How OCD Can Rupture Your
Relationship
and 3 Vital Strategies For
Staying Close
International Obsessive Compulsive Foundation Conference 2017
Heidi Hartston, PhD
www.HeidiHartstonPhD.com
Secure Attachment
(Across the LifeSpan)
Secure Base
Slow to warm
Caregiver
inconsistent
Little emotional
sharing
Risk and
Comfort are
mixed
Benefits of a Secure Attachment
• Better emotional health
• Higher cancer recovery rates
• Reduces anxiety/depression
• More quickly calm fear
• Better distress tolerance
• Cortisol buffering (hold onto wise mind)
• Happier
• Better response flexibility
• Higher self-esteem
• Better attunement with others
• Better behavioral control
• Fight/Flight regulation
• Stronger immune system
• More able to delay gratification
• Better concentration/sleep
• Better pain tolerance
• Better school/work performance
• Better wound/surgical healing
Dan Siegel on
“Flipping Your Lid”
Vital Strategy #1
 Cool Down Before You Talk
 Adrenaline blocks empathy
 Pause
 Switch from “low road” to “high road”
We Need Them
We Can Make Them
(Secure Attachments)
 A supportive relationship is a HUGE advantage in
fighting OCD.
 NOT a fixer, rescuer or OCD rule follower
 An empathetic listener
 Anyone can develop a secure attachment
 even if you’ve never had one
 Partner, parent, teacher, friend, coach, spouse
A.R.E. Questions
from Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
 Is your partner accessible to you?
 Can I get his attention easily?
 Is he easy to connect with emotionally?
 Will he listen to my deepest feelings? Can I trust him?
 Is your partner responsive to you?
 If I need comfort will he be there for me?
 Does he respond to my distress signals?
 Even when we fight do I know I’m important to him?
 Are you emotionally engaged with each other?
 Can I trust him and confide anything?
 Even when we’re apart do I know we’re connected?
 I know he cares about my joys, sorrows, fears.
A.R.E. Questions
*Switched Around
 Am I accessible to him?
 Can he get my attention easily?
 Am I easy to connect with emotionally?
 Will I listen to his deepest feelings? Can he trust me?
 Am I responsive to him?
 If he needs comfort will I be there for him?
 Do I respond to his distress signals?
 *Even when we fight do I let him know he’s important to me?
 Am I emotionally engaged with him?
 Can he trust me and confide anything?
 Even when we’re apart he knows we’re connected.
 I let him know I care about his joys, sorrows, fears.
Eye-Openers
 Adrenaline blocks empathy.
 Blame instead of attune to the other
 Attachment Protest
 A desperate reach actually chases them away
 You get out what you put in.
 All Relationships Rupture and Repair
Interaction Cycle Map
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
Ruptures
Withdraw in Anxiety
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
Ruptures
Mult. Texts to check where you are
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
Ruptures
Asks partner to do OCD rules
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
Ruptures
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Refuse to do OCD rules
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
“Inner Child”
From Burning Man 2015
Map Out The Repair
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Vital Strategy #2
 Drop Down To Your Vulnerable Stuff
 This changes the conversation
 “Take the elevator down”
 What do you really feel?
 scared, hurt, lonely…
Map Out The Repair
You’re never there for me!
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Map Out The Repair
Withdraws in fear
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Vital Strategy #3
 Read Distress Signals Instead of
Villainizing
 There are softer feelings under anger
 Attachment protest
Map Out The Repair
Behaviors
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary)
Refuses to do OCD rules
Interpretations
Feelings
(secondary
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Feelings
(primary)
Attachment Need
Ex: Map Out Your Fight
What I said
My Interp.
My Feelings
My Feelings (Deeper)
What they said
Their Interp.
Their Feelings
Their Feelings (Deeper)
What I really needed to hear
What they really needed to hear
Three Vital Strategies
 Cool down before you talk
 Adrenaline blocks empathy
 Drop down to YOUR vulnerable stuff
 This is when the conversation really changes
 Read distress signals instead of villainizing
 There are softer feelings under that anger
 “Attachment Protest”
Email List for Worksheets
 Sign In to my Email List:
https://HelpforOCD.Lpages.co/worksheets/
 Website: www.HeidiHartstonPhD.com
 Email: [email protected]