Common Nouns *
(stage play)
* Playwright’s Note: This play should have certain
abstract elements in performance; spare, non-realistic,
indicated sets, scene-blending, transparent set changes, no
intermission. The same actor should play MAN in all three
scenes, and the same actor should play WOMAN in the
first and third scenes. The choice to emphasize the generalabstract rather than particular-realistic nature of the
characters should be further heightened by having the
audience view costume changes between scenes, marked by
the word Change in the script.
Scene 1
Setting: Evening. A room with a window and a
chair, at least.
Characters:
Man – 55-60
Woman – 55-60
2
(MAN sitting near window, close enough to easily touch the
glass. WOMAN sitting nearby, on floor, editing a journal
from a stack of identical journals. She reads and marks
journal with a pen or highlighter.)
MAN
A woman was suing her landlord for negligence, lead paint
dust in the window wells, because she’d seen an ad on TV
and hired the TV attorney who knew a jury would award
such and such for brain damage to her boy child and that
his percentage would be such and such, a nice, from his
point of view, redistribution of the wealth all around. I was
surprised the case had reached my courtroom. Such cases
are usually settled out in the hallway since juries are known
to be very generous, whether negligence is proved or not,
especially when the poor child is sitting there stunned the
whole time, and the landlord, well, he was a roughspeaking, barrel-chested man without much hair on his
head. No contest. We were in the expert phase, hearing
from a doctor I’ve heard testify many times before, a
professional witness, no longer practicing actual medicine,
a real smooth, handsome and likable sleaze-ball, and I was
thinking idly about the general nature of man which a judge
isn’t supposed to do, because a judge is involved with the
law and the law takes for granted the general nature of
man; the law is designed to curb and direct the given
crummy general nature of man…when I slammed my gavel
and said very loudly, much too loudly, “What do you
want?” An action which surprised everyone in the
courtroom, but no one more than me since I hadn’t planned
it, since it just burst out of me and had nothing to do with
the proceedings or the general nature of man. Now counsel
for the plaintiff, short, energetic red-haired guy, very good,
saved me by saying, “Just recompense for my client’s
injuries, Your Honor.” And I said, “Ten minute recess.
Counsel approach the bench.” (He touches the
windowpane.) Nobody’s fault. Nobody’s negligence.
Sealing the child in a lifetime of mental fog. Glazed look,
halting speech, odd stillness for a ten year old. Though all
that can be coached.
WOMAN
Let me do this.
MAN
Not even eight, and I’m dead tired.
3
WOMAN
So go to bed.
MAN
Right. I will. (He looks out window.) Have you noticed
anything strange about our new neighbor?
WOMAN
No.
MAN
Nothing?
WOMAN
Just that he seems nice.
MAN
Everyone around here seems nice until you park in the
parking spot they’ve come to think of as theirs.
WOMAN
So?
MAN
So that he seems nice isn’t strange, Dear.
WOMAN
Go to bed.
MAN
I’m sure he’s nice but, the three times we’ve talked, he’s
looked into my eyes with a kind of mute appeal, pleading
and sad, and I felt like he was going to tell me something
personal I didn’t want to hear, that he was going to spill.
What is he, recently divorced or something?
WOMAN
We’ve only just nodded in passing, from our cars.
MAN
Is there a woman over there?
WOMAN
Not that I’ve seen.
4
MAN
He’s going to spill I tell you. Talking to him is like
watching a river rise in the spring. I used to be interested in
people. I used to like to talk to them and to listen. Talking
was one of the things I really enjoyed, but it feels creepy
these days, like they should all go to a doctor to do it.
WOMAN
They have names for doctors like that, Dear.
MAN
Keep him away from me. He’s smart, good looking and
well spoken. Don’t you know someone we can introduce
him to?
WOMAN
Look, I’m really into doing this now.
MAN
Talk about spilling. Publishing those things.
WOMAN
Uh huh.
MAN
You have some nerve, you know, becoming famous?
Some nerve. Me, I wouldn’t have the stomach for it. Not
driven. Not tough-minded like you. (He touches the
windowpane again.) The parking spot’s not theirs but
they’ve come to think of it as theirs because it’s in front of
their house. Like you, they’re confused about what’s
private and what’s public? Is it me?
WOMAN
Did you take your pill this morning?
MAN
No.
WOMAN
Well, then, there you go.
5
MAN
I’ve been taking your pill, for the last week, Darling. For
the heck of it. I hit a plateau with mine so I figured what
the heck. And it’s been getting interesting since I don’t so
much see you or hear you or feel you anymore as I do feel
you feeling me, like I’m a ghost. You’re so alive compared
to me, it’s scary. That’s why I’ve been bumping into
things. Have you noticed? Me? Bumping into things?
Because part of me thinks I can actually pass through the
furniture. And why do I have all these mysterious cuts on
my hands? Self inflicted, I do believe.
WOMAN
The pills aren’t interchangeable. They all work by different
mechanisms and chemicals.
MAN
You’re not draining me, are you, Darling? Like a
succubus? Or is it incubus? The monster that sits on your
chest in the middle of the night and whispers nightmares
into your ear while it gnaws the flesh off your hands?
(MAN looks at his hands, touches thee windowpane again.)
I don’t have enough life force in me to get up and go to
bed.
(WOMAN closes journal.)
WOMAN
Let me see your hands.
MAN
No. (She goes back to journal.) Now here’s the answer:
You start taking my pills so we can be ghosts for each
other. I’ll be a street and you’ll be dead leaves blowing
down me. You’ll be a house and I’ll be a face in your
window. Together we’ll be, I don’t know... A ghost town.
Nice? (Touches windowpane.) I was always attracted to
the exuberant animal life in you but, now, like everything
else, that too has turned and will have its revenge. (Yawns.)
Not even eight yet. It must be your pills.
WOMAN
So go to bed.
6
MAN
Sleep is a beautiful woman. She may want you, but
probably not. (Touches windowpane.) If I can find just the
right angle, my hand will pass right through the glass
without breaking it, that angle by which ghosts enter and
leave. Still working on our first years?
WOMAN
More or less, give or take a few rampages, wild chase
scenes and the downstairs neighbor coming up and
knocking on the door to see if I was all right.
MAN
We did have a time. Why did she wear a wig? The
downstairs neighbor lady? We never learned why she wore
a wig. She wasn’t sick. She wasn’t bald. She had this
demonic energy like an imp in a dream. The whole thing’s
like a dream, the downstairs neighbor wears a wig and you
don’t know why. And her husband never seems to move.
Doesn’t work. Sits in a chair in a cloud of cigar smoke, TV
down low, and never moves. Life is arranged around
images like a dream is, clues to the mystery everywhere.
WOMAN
What mystery is that?
MAN
Or clues everywhere but no mystery at all, clues adding up
to nothing. A busybody in a wig, a man sunk and smoking
in a chair, a boy lost in a mental fog. I think I’ll dare to eat
a peach, like what’s his name, T.S. Eliot. Fucking uptight.
WOMAN
She was sick. You just don’t remember. We could smell
her sickness in the airshaft.
MAN
Jesus. Really? All I remember is the cigar smoke
WOMAN
She died not long after we moved out.
MAN
Oh, really? Jesus. I wish you hadn’t told me that. I liked
her, the way she protected her animal territory. And I think
she was fond of you.
7
WOMAN
It’s right here in the journal. She was a nice woman who
took care of her husband until the very end.
MAN
Little was known, much was said, nothing was done.
WOMAN
Again.
MAN
People talked a lot. They didn’t say much. They lived in
fear of the truth.
WOMAN
No, the first way.
MAN
I forget. Dead? It’s sad. And him all alone down there, in
a cloud of smoke.
WOMAN
Little was known, much was said…
MAN
…nothing was done. They heard our lovemaking through
the airshaft. We smelled them through the airshaft. It’s
like we were animals. People are animals, feeling each
other like animals. The new neighbor next door about to
burst into tears. What sad animals we are, like today in
court. (Touches windowpane.) I wonder what happened
to her husband, the poor bastard. How could a guy like that
make it on his own? Read to me? Please?
WOMAN
No.
MAN
That’s my life too you’re holding in your hands.
WOMAN
It’s my experience.
MAN
Is our honeymoon in that one?
8
WOMAN
As a matter of fact, I’m just at the section where you took
me from behind on the hilltop overlooking the lake,
propped me over a boulder and just took me...
MAN
Now that’s something I’d like to hear.
WOMAN
I don’t think so.
MAN
I don’t remember any boulder.
WOMAN
That’s because you weren’t the one getting your face
scraped by it.
MAN
I remember we were on the down slope and that there was a
space between the trees so I could see all the way down to
the lake.
WOMAN
Uh huh.
MAN
And that the lake looked very blue from up there. Power
boats carving white gouges in the water. The distant sound
of the engines. Cloud shadows on the lake, blue and darker
blue. Put that in, why don’t you?
WOMAN
That wasn’t my experience.
MAN
Should put it in. Round it out. Give the details you
weren’t in any position to notice.
WOMAN
I know what position I was in.
MAN
Give the full perspective.
9
WOMAN
I don’t want the full perspective. Only my limited
perspective can make my experience feel authentic to the
reader.
MAN
Ah, the flawed narrator.
WOMAN
I didn’t say flawed. I said limited.
MAN
Let’s reenact that scene, over the back of the couch, right
now. Flawed narrator. Pawed narrator. Sawed narrator.
Awed narrator.
WOMAN
You flatter yourself.
MAN
I don’t think so, Darling.
WOMAN
Not as a lover, your cleverness.
MAN
You’re tired of me?
WOMAN
If I decide to be.
MAN
Decide?
WOMAN
Yes. I made the decision to be pleased with you. I made
the decision to marry you. I made the decision to let you
have your way with me in a national park. So I can make
the decision to be tired of you.
MAN
I would think that would be more of a reaction than a
decision.
10
WOMAN
That’s not my experience. You’re often very tiring, but
I’ve learned not to get carried away by my reactions to you
one way or the other.
MAN
Wait a minute: You made the decision to be pleased with
me?
WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
I don’t like the cold sound of that.
WOMAN
Believe me, it’s better that way.
MAN
You’re putting that in too I suppose: That you weren’t
driven wild by passion for me.
WOMAN
It’s a major theme of the memoir: The decisions I was able
to make consciously while still living through my passion,
the still place I was able to achieve like a rock in the rapids.
MAN
Nice. (Touches windowpane.) How about quoting me
then? To let me have my two cents. Blue and darker blue.
That’s nice too.
WOMAN
Nice, and true?
MAN
Sure. Why not?
WOMAN
You and what’s true go together, hand and shoe.
MAN
I’m tired of the truth, so called, that I have to listen to all
day in court. The very act of speaking has been corrupted
for me, like everything’s a sales pitch. And we always
made things up before.
11
WOMAN
That’s why you’re not getting near my memoir. You’ll
read it when it’s published like everyone else.
MAN
Blue and darker blue. As a matter of fact I think it is true.
It’s all coming back to me now.
WOMAN
I’m surprised you were able to notice so much detail.
MAN
Why?
WOMAN
I’d have thought you’d be concentrating on my ultimate
submission to you in a national park of the United States of
America.
MAN
I don’t think it was that ultimate.
WOMAN
The place was full of hikers.
MAN
Ah.
WOMAN
I submitted to your need to have me submit, the ultimate
submission.
MAN
Ultimate?
WOMAN
It was your need to have me submit, not my preference.
There were park rangers around too.
MAN
Rangers too? I could’ve been disbarred.
WOMAN
Sometimes you have to submit to the other person’s need.
12
MAN
And other times?
WOMAN
They submit to yours.
MAN
Now we’re getting somewhere. Okay, okay. Keep the
hikers in, if they were on your mind, and the rangers. Keep
them all in there. I can’t see the harm in it, if it helps you
think while you’re in the rapids.
WOMAN
There’s more, Dear. I submitted to your need to have me
submit, yes, but truthfully I was more concerned with
missing the rainbow trout they were serving for lunch up at
the lodge.
MAN
Does it say that in there?
WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
That you were actually thinking about lunch while I
was…God. You wrote that down?
WOMAN
Digging my heels in, braced for your thrusts, my face
scraped, worrying about getting arrested on my honeymoon
in a national park, I was thinking about the trout they were
serving for lunch. Mountain stream trout. Best fish I’ve
ever had in my life.
MAN
It’s in?
WOMAN
It’s true and it’s about food.
MAN
Not the food, the thinking about food.
13
WOMAN
In. People love reading about food.
MAN
Makes me look damn foolish.
WOMAN
Don’t ask then.
MAN
Up until this moment, the image of us on that mountain has
helped me fall asleep at night, when all else fails.
WOMAN
Blue and darker blue.
MAN
...but now that the fish has been inserted, now that I know
what was really on your mind...
WOMAN
Blue and darker blue was on your mind and it’s not going
in my memoir.
MAN
But the trout is.
WOMAN
Absolutely.
MAN
Ultimate submission always leads to ultimate revolt.
Ultimate submission always leads to ultimate revolt.
(Touches windowpane.) Today, after trying and failing to
convince counsel to settle, I went to my chambers and
actually wept for that dull boy child sitting there and for the
innocent, rough-speaking, bald landlord who was going to
have to sell the house to pay his attorney. I’ve had it. I just
feel sorry for people, for the landlord, for the boy, for
myself, for everyone. I’ve seen enough and heard enough
truth.
WOMAN
So quit the bench.
MAN
And justify my existence, how?
14
WOMAN
Sit with me while I’m working. I always like that.
(MAN, furious at this suggestion, smashes his hand through
windowpane and brings it back in bleeding. WOMAN
leaves the room.)
MAN
Damn childish thing to do, damn childish.
(WOMAN returns with peroxide and bandages.)
MAN (cont’d.)
(As WOMAN tends to his bleeding hand.) You know when
you’re outside yourself, observing yourself like a judge,
how the part that’s being observed never gets a say in the
matter, that dull, injured child just sits there stunned,
stunted and silent? If I must defend myself, I want that part
to defend me, the silent part. I’ve made a lot of noise but
that part has never said anything. And if you are going to
judge me like my observing self, Darling, without love or
sympathy, I will say nothing. So go ahead: Publish what
you want. I will let my silence defend me.
WOMAN
Very eloquent.
MAN
Ultimate submission always leads to ultimate revolt. It’s a
flawed perspective.
WOMAN
I didn’t say flawed, you did. I said limited. I don’t mind
being limited. In fact, I like it. You can’t choose
everything, you must choose something. You can’t choose
everyone, you must choose someone like I chose you.
Choosing everyone is like choosing between mere twodimensional beings. like photos of people but, choosing
someone, that once two-dimensional person suddenly takes
on a third dimension, depth, tremendous depth. It’s like
you’re falling, falling through the sudden, tremendous
depth of another person, falling in love.
MAN
That’s nice. Is that in there?
15
WOMAN
That’s a quote from you and you know it.
MAN
Is it in there?
WOMAN
Yes, it’s in here. Your words are all through here.
MAN
They are.
WOMAN
(Reading from journal.)As a very young wife, I lived his
words and wisdom like a set of instructions.
MAN
As a very young wife, only?
WOMAN
At first, you were my rock in the rapids, Dear.
MAN
At first?
WOMAN
Yes. Thanks for that. It’s why I’m dedicating the memoir
to you. (Pause.) Your hand should heal nicely.
MAN
That’s what happens. It will heal and then get torn open
again. Like a person.
WOMAN
Nice. Can I put that in?
MAN
Sure, put it in. Put it all in. I’m eating a peach and going
to bed.
WOMAN
There are no more peaches, Dear. I had the last one this
morning. And as I ate it, I didn’t think of you at all.
16
MAN
Good?
WOMAN
Sweet. Very, very sweet. ‘Night now.
(MAN exits. WOMAN works. End of Scene. Change.)
17
Scene 2
Setting: Early afternoon. At a bank.
Characters:
Jennifer – a bank teller, early 20’s
Tommy – a bank guard, mid 20’s, in uniform. Tommy is a
black man, very tall and quite thin. He speaks English with
a beautiful and rich African accent.
Man – 60’s
18
(StageLeft: JENNIFER, a bank teller at her window, helps
an unseen customer. StageRight: TOMMY, a guard in
uniform and holster with pistol, stands near unseen patrons
on line for the next available teller. MAN, walking by
outside, sees TOMMY, observes him for a bit, then enters
bank and line.)
MAN
Hello.
TOMMY
Hello, Sir.
MAN
Nice day, isn’t it?
TOMMY
Yes it is, Sir. Outside, it is a very nice day indeed. Please
step up, Sir, if you don’t mind.
MAN
I was just passing by.
TOMMY
Please step up, Sir. We don’t want the line going out the
door. Bad for business.
(MAN moves a bit forward on the line.)
MAN
This isn’t my bank.
TOMMY
Perhaps we should be your bank, Sir. We are happy to
provide information about our services to potential new
customers.
MAN
I don’t have any banking to do really.
TOMMY
Perhaps we can be your new bank, Sir.
19
MAN
Yes, I’d like that…but I was wondering: How do you keep
your mind occupied through all the hours just standing
here?
TOMMY
Pardon me. Ah, yes, but I am protecting the money, Sir.
(TOMMY smiles widely revealing several missing teeth.)
MAN
Right. But I tell you: It would drive me crazy.
(Pause. TOMMY looks MAN up and down, deciding
something about him, then speaks in a lowered voice while
indicating JENNIFER with his eyes.)
TOMMY
Do you see that angel’s face surrounded by golden light?
MAN
The blonde teller in the blue sweater?
TOMMY
Yes. Jennifer. To pass the time, I watch her sweet angel’s
face hover over the money drawer.
MAN
Yes, she’s very pretty. If you don’t mind my asking: What
happened to your teeth?
TOMMY
Childhood in the republic of the Sudan happened to my
teeth, Sir.
MAN
Oh. Geez. Sorry about that.
TOMMY
Did you personally ruin my teeth, Sir? No, you did not
personally ruin my teeth. My teeth were ruined by the way
things are in the republic of the Sudan.
MAN
I know a very good dentist…
20
TOMMY
First, I must earn food. Only later, will I worry about
chewing it. (He smiles again, showing his teeth.)
Please step up, Sir.
(MAN gestures to let the unseen person behind him go
ahead of him.)
MAN
I’m curious: Have you ever sort of fantasized…I
mean…with all the money so close and you the only one
with a gun…
TOMMY
I am a trusted employee of the bank, Sir.
MAN
I only meant…in a daydream…in all your moments with
nothing to do…I thought you might have fantasized…
TOMMY
Let me tell you, my friend: A rich man and a poor man are
as equal as the man who holds a gun and the one at whom
he is pointing it. This little boy here though (TOMMY pats
pistol) pulls down on my hips. He’s heavy and makes me
sink to the floor. He swells up with my thoughts about
Jennifer over there and my feet swell up too from not
walking. I have been told to stand, not walk. I have been
told I must be a presence, an unmoving, visible and vigilant
presence in the bank. Four times an hour, I am allowed to
change my position, Sir.
MAN
Why don’t you ask Jennifer to go out with you?
TOMMY
Three skinny Africans sleep in my room across two single
beds pushed together. One, a Somali, talks in his sleep in a
language that sounds like crying. Or perhaps the Somali is
crying. Who knows? The other, a countryman of mine,
roams the bed on all fours like a stalking, wild animal. And
my feet dangle, Sir. Dangle. And the crack between the
beds is like a stone in the shoe of my sleep. And the green
light from the pornographic video shop below our room
buzzes all night.
21
MAN
It sounds awful.
TOMMY
When poverty goes on day after day, it can wear a man
down.
MAN
I’m sure obstacles like that have made a person like you
even more determined…Because you’re here in America,
after all.
TOMMY
I was booted out and am here now in America but my
parents and sisters are not.
MAN
Oh. That must be terrible. Well, if it’s any consolation, my
wife booted me out of the house for the afternoon.
TOMMY
A joke that isn’t funny is a poor joke.
MAN
Though I did nothing, for all intents and purposes I’m
booted out. No, it’s because I do nothing that I’m booted
out. I did nothing, she said nothing, but I couldn’t stay
there any longer today. Or yesterday. By the loud and
angry sound of her stacking the dishes or furiously
brushing her teeth, I could tell she wanted me out. And this
after forty two years of marriage.
TOMMY
Wives in the republic of the Sudan have no such boot. The
boot belongs to the State Police of the republic of the
Sudan and so I am here. That is the way things are. And
now I am a guard employed to protect the way things are.
Things, as you know, have to be the way they are and so
people like myself, refugees from the way things are, must
be employed to guard and keep them the way they are. It is
a poor joke.
MAN
The money is very close.
22
TOMMY
If the money were any closer, my friend, we could smell its
stinking breath. This is what we say of our close
encounters with lions in the republic of the Sudan.
MAN
Oh right, you have lions there.
TOMMY
A mean and dirty thing, a lion, that often kills for no
reason.
MAN
I can picture you in a long white gown instead of that
uniform, striding regally to take your place among the
chiefs of your tribe.
TOMMY
This uniform I have to pay for, how do you Americans say?
Out of pocket. Not the uniform’s pocket, my pocket. Not
America’s pocket, Africa’s pocket. So I can send no
money home yet, but the uniform will be mine one day, if
I’m lucky.
MAN
Do you want me to talk to Jennifer for you?
TOMMY
Certainly, you must do no such thing. Please step up, Sir.
MAN
I was wondering: Have you been in a bank robbery before?
(TOMMY places his hand on pistol) Not that you’re in one
now I mean…God that was stupid, like talking about
bombs at the Airline Counter…(Pause) I’m stupid, you
know, stupid. It’s why I’m booted out. I used to practice
medicine but I didn’t think. I was a doctor but I never gave
my life a thought. I just lived it as it was, as I thought it
was meant to be lived. I did what had to be done for each
of my patients but my wife, Tina, did all the thinking in our
lives. She made the decisions and I went along because to
tell the truth I would never have known what to do. About
the kids, about the money, about the house or vacations.
But since I’m retired she wants me to think about what I
23
MAN(cont’d)
want to do with myself. By that she means to get myself
out of the house. And so she angrily stacks the dishes or
furiously brushes her teeth until I can’t stand it anymore.
And that was how I discovered I don’t know how to think,
when I couldn’t think of anything to do. Golf? Please. So
what do I do now? I wander. Basically I’m kicked out of
the house and I wander asking questions of strangers
because that is what a doctor does, ask questions. He
doesn’t think, a doctor, he doesn’t know how.
TOMMY
Please step up, Sir. I am not supposed to converse with the
patrons of the bank and it is time for me to change
positions.
(TOMMY steps away but never stops watching MAN.)
MAN
(To the unseen customer behind him.) I don’t know how to
think. I would think if I could think, but once you
surrender thinking to someone else, there’s no power on
Earth that can get it back for you. You become like a ward
of her state. Oh please, please Tina, take me under your
wing again, tell me what to do with myself. It’s pathetic.
But then she boots you out suddenly. Suddenly you get on
her nerves. Furiously brushing her teeth. That’s funny,
isn’t it? But maybe not, maybe not, because of the hours
you know, the long hours at my medical practice, I was
hardly ever at home so she never really got used to me. My
kids treated me like some famous person there for a
surprise visit. And then when we went on vacations I slept
feverishly most of the time, a stranger in a strange fever.
All the fevers I cured over the year would come down on
me like clockwork during vacations. (Beat) Those money
sacks look heavy. Why don’t you go ahead? (Beat) Are
you Mario? I just have to ask, because you’re shirt says
Mario’s Pizza and here you are in line at the bank with two
heavy sacks of coins like one of those Chinese water
carriers with buckets on their shoulders so I figured you
were the owner Mario here with the receipts…What do you
have, pin ball machines in your store? How’s business?…I
bet you inherited it from your father because pizza parlors
24
MAN (cont’d)
often run in families. And that would make you Mario Jr. I
guess you don’t like questions. You know how I can tell?
Because you didn’t say ‘thank you’ when I let you ahead in
line. That mole on your neck: I’d get it checked out if I
were you. What’s that? Oh, the merchant’s window. So
Mario Jr. gets to go ahead of us. (To the next person
behind him in line) Do I seem odd to you? Because I tell
you I feel pretty odd. (Beat) God this line’s slow. But I
have nothing if not time, time on my hands, nothing but
time. No banking to do, just time. So why don’t you go
ahead of me?
(MAN waits in line then signals TOMMY to come over.)
TOMMY
Is there another problem, Sir?
MAN
You see that old woman at the front of the line, in the
heavy black coat?
TOMMY
Yes, Sir.
MAN
It’s much too hot out today for a heavy coat like that.
TOMMY
Is there a problem, Sir? I am not supposed to converse…
MAN
That old woman is nothing if she isn’t a creature of habit.
Like me. She and her black coat are like one being. Now
here’s what I think: I think that that old woman is going to
have very complicated banking business, that there are
going to be many problems and that she is going to be very
careful to understand what’s happening to her money.
That’s what I think. And do you know why I think this?
Because I must learn how to think. And because of her too
heavy coat and her cane and her shopping bag and the ace
bandages wrapped around what must be extremely varicose
legs and her wheezing breath and the many papers in her
hand.
25
TOMMY
So now you are Sherlock Holmes, all of a sudden?
MAN
I can also smell her all the way from here. She smells of
very ripe peaches.
TOMMY
So now all of a sudden you have learned to think?
MAN
Yes, and I also think that, if Jennifer turns out to be that old
woman’s teller, I will be on this line a very long time
because Jennifer is the one I want to help me with my
banking today.
TOMMY
You must never do that, Sir. So I am thinking, Sir, that
thinking is still a very difficult activity for you.
MAN
I know. You don’t have to tell me. And I have ceased to
blend in. I have begun to make a spectacle of myself.
TOMMY
Yes, Sir. People like you are mentioned in our employee’s
manual as people who should be watched. You are a C-4.
MAN
A C-4. Some sort of code, huh? Usually you just blend in
and people are as unaware of you as you are of them. They
just tune you out unless they sense you are dangerous. A
C-4. I’m not dangerous though. I’m not a danger to
anyone. Nobody should be afraid of me or interested in
me. I suppose I could ask this nice young woman behind
me if my behavior strikes her as dangerous but I won’t
because I know that would seem really dangerous. Now
look at that: The old woman does get Jennifer as her teller.
Now we’re really in for it, my friend.
TOMMY
Please, Sir, I’m begging you, not to talk to Jennifer.
26
MAN
By her walk, I’d say that along with varicose legs the old
woman has an arthritic condition of the hips. Poor thing.
See how she has to tilt her body with each step like
climbing an invisible flight of stairs. I have spent my
whole life helping other people. That is what I did. I was
known for my bedside manner. I couldn’t think but people
got better under my care. Because, you know, they will or
they won’t. In ninety percent of the cases, you need only
do no harm like the oath says. And I intend to do no harm
to you, my Sudanese friend.
TOMMY
You see this face, Sir? This face sees you.
(TOMMY smiles at MAN again and steps away. TOMMY
watches MAN as he lets various people go ahead of him in
line so he can have JENNIFER as his teller. Finally MAN
arrives at JENNIFER’s window.)
MAN
Hello.
JENNIFER
Hello, Sir. How are you today?
MAN
Fine. And yourself?
JENNIFER
I’m fine. How can I help you today?
(MAN leans in close breaking the imaginary plane of the
window between himself and JENNIFER.)
MAN
I’d like to cash this check and ask you a question.
(MAN takes check from wallet and slides it to JENNIFER.)
JENNIFER
This isn’t one of ours.
MAN
I know. I was just passing by your bank when I
remembered it. So is it all right? Just this once, Jennifer.
27
JENNIFER
Sure, Mr…(Reading name on check)….Denby..
MAN
It’s Doctor.
JENNIFER
Oh…Sorry Dr. Denby…I said Mr.…you know…because I
always say Mr. They drill it into you. We watch
instructional videos about it. Always say Mr. or Mrs. or
whatever…you know …the personal touch…
MAN
It doesn’t matter to me if you call me Dr. A lot of doctors
insist on it, especially the retired ones like me, but I don’t.
I don’t know why I corrected you…I’m feeling a bit odd
today.
JENNIFER
If you can just let me see some ID please.
(MAN shows ID and JENNIFER counts out his cash.)
MAN
Now for my question.
JENNIFER
I’ll answer it if I can.
MAN
That old woman you just helped what was her problem, her
banking problem, I mean?
JENNIFER
Excuse me.
MAN
The old woman who was just here at your window, ripe
peaches, what did you help her with?
JENNIFER
I can’t tell you that. The banks holds to a strict
confidentialness or whatever for its customers. Not that it’s
any big secret.
28
MAN
Was she suspicious as if the bank was trying to cheat her
out of her life savings?
JENNIFER
No. Not at all. What a strange idea. I’ve helped her
before. Like a lot of our older customers, she doesn’t trust
the ATM.
MAN
Also her coat was much too heavy for the weather.
JENNIFER
That’s right, isn’t it?
MAN
That old woman and her black coat are like one being.
JENNIFER
Oh. You know what I think: I think she’s lonely and just
comes in to talk. Hard to talk to an ATM, you know.
MAN
I didn’t mean to pry. She took so long, I had to let five
people go ahead of me in line so you could be the one to
help me.
JENNIFER
You waited for me?
MAN
You didn’t notice, did you? Me? What I was doing?
JENNIFER
No. But what did you need me for especially?
MAN
A question. A banking question.
JENNIFER
I’ll answer it if I can.
MAN
I was wondering if handling money all the time had
changed you in any way.
29
JENNIFER
I get a lot more colds.
MAN
No, I mean has it changed the way you feel about your own
personal money?
JENNIFER
I still spend every cent I get my hands on. No, that isn’t
really true. I spend a lot more than I get my hands on. My
car loan, my student loan, the credit cards. You know how
it is.
MAN
No I mean…(MAN leans in even closer to JENNIFER)
You see the guard over there, watching us?
(MAN and JENNIFER look at TOMMY who he is looking
at them. TOMMY begins to slowly move in their direction.)
JENNIFER
Tommy? Sure. Did he send you over here?
MAN
No, he didn’t. I was just wondering, an attractive girl like
you, do you think you could love him?
JENNIFER
I’m not prejudice, if that’s what you mean.
MAN
No, it’s just that I was curious how a woman loved,
decided, gradually or all at once…if a woman decided right
away in the first ten seconds by a man’s looks or type if
you know…she could or would…
JENNIFER
He’s only been working here a few months.
MAN
I know, from the republic of the Sudan. He was an
important person in his tribe, a leader, a chief.
JENNIFER
Really? Tommy? He never said anything about that. I
know he’s a real gentleman.
30
MAN
And smart. And very well spoken.
JENNIFER
Yeah. I love the way he talks. But you know I’m
already…like…taken.
MAN
Married?
JENNIFER
No. Not yet.
MAN
Living together then.
JENNIFER
No, my boyfriend’s like…we should wait…
MAN
So, are you really taken? Chosen?
JENNIFER
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
MAN
Now here’s how you can tell if you’re chosen or not:
Suppose he collapsed, fell apart, had a health crisis or
emotional crisis, became a hollow shell of himself, would
you stay with him?
(TOMMY has arrived at JENNIFER’s station.)
JENNIFER
(Looking up at TOMMY, half cry, half question) Tommy?!
MAN
Give him a chance.
(MAN turns to find TOMMY behind him.)
JENNIFER
It’s a…He’s a C-4 or whatever in the manual, you know.
31
TOMMY
I’m afraid I’m going to have to escort you from the bank,
Sir.
(TOMMY takes MAN a little roughly by the arm and begins
to lead him out.)
MAN
Sure, sure, go ahead. I’ll leave. You’re not going to have
any more trouble from me. (To the unseen people on line)
That’s all right. Turn away. Whatever you do; keep
looking at the floor, not at me, not at another human being.
(TOMMY and MAN exit bank proper into quiet of the bank
lobby.)
TOMMY
You are a stupid old man who doesn’t know how to behave
or mind his own business. Because of you, Jennifer will
think things she shouldn’t think about me.
MAN
Yes. You’re right. I’m very sorry. I was only trying to
help. It’s what I do. Help.
TOMMY
Help? Help? Old man. Stupid old man. You who have
been booted out…you who have been booted out…have
forced me who has been booted out to boot you out again.
It is my job. I did not want to boot you out like this, old
man, to have to escort you out in front of all the blank faces
in the line. But it is the way things are. You are a C-4, a
disorientated elderly person mentioned in the manual. A
person who must be booted out. That is the way things are.
We do not like the way things are, you and me, but there is
no helping it. So go home, old man, and take up painting
or wood carving or golf. Go home, while you still can.
(Beat. Beat. Beat. MAN reaches into his pocket, takes out
the money JENNIFER gave him and holds it out to
TOMMY.)
MAN
Here. Take it. Send it to your family in the Sudan. Please.
Take the money. For helping me out, I want to help you
out. Please. I want you to take it.
32
(TOMMY takes cash but doesn’t let go of MAN’s hand.)
TOMMY
Can you feel how close the lion is, Sir? The lion, she is
very close.
(MAN and TOMMY, hands still clasped, feel the lion. Slow
fade to black. End of scene. Change.)
33
Scene 3
Setting: Evening. A room with a window and a
chair, at least.
Characters:
Woman– very elderly, white-haired, blind
Man– very elderly, white-haired
34
WOMAN
(Sitting) Kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty,
kitty. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
(MAN enters, observes her a while.)
WOMAN (cont’d)
Kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
MAN
Not here.
WOMAN
Still…not…here? Oh my poor, old, sweet kitty. It’s been
at least five days, hasn’t it? Or has it?
MAN
Or so. I guess.
WOMAN
What’s his name again?
MAN
You don’t remember his name?
WOMAN
Well, no. Just now, no. It’s very silly. Tell me, won’t
you?
MAN
Hmmm. (He thinks.) Hmmm.
WOMAN
You remember it, don’t you?
MAN
Maybe.
WOMAN
You remember it. You’re the one who’s good with names
and faces.
35
MAN
I never say his name. You’re the one always calling him
but I never have to call him because he’s always on my
heels to be fed or let out whenever I get up. Otherwise he
ignores me.
WOMAN
But you must’ve heard me say it a thousand times, calling
him to come over and sit in my lap. Here…Here… you
know.
MAN
Well…
WOMAN
Yes.
MAN
I seem to have forgotten too.
WOMAN
How silly it is.
MAN
And I’m usually spot on with the proper ones. It’s the
other ones, the regular ones that have started to get me into
trouble.
WOMAN
The common one.
MAN
The common ones, yes, thank you, the common nouns. I
must be blocking his name because, a few weeks ago, when
I didn’t let him out fast enough to his liking, he slashed the
back of my hand with those razor-like things on the ends of
his paws.
WOMAN
Now what will we do?
MAN
About what?
36
WOMAN
We have to do something about finding the poor old boy.
He’s a boy, that’s a start.
MAN
Of course he’s a boy and a slasher when he doesn’t get his
way.
WOMAN
So he must have a boy’s name.
MAN
I don’t remember.
WOMAN
A boy’s name, come on.
MAN
I don’t know.
WOMAN
Remembering his name would make me feel a little better,
at least.
MAN
You can’t force it; I’ve learned that.
WOMAN
What?
MAN
The name. You can’t force it. The name may come on its
own or it may not come at all. Just like that vicious cat
may or may not come home again. Nothing to do about
wandering cats or wandering names, nothing to do but wait.
And wait we will for the cat and for its name.
WOMAN
And wait we will for the cat and for its name.
MAN
That’s what I said.
WOMAN
Very nicely put together.
37
MAN
What?
WOMAN
The words.
MAN
Thank you.
WOMAN
You’ve always been articulate.
MAN
One of the few pleasures I’ve got left.
WOMAN
And a pleasure of mine has always been to listen to the way
you put words together.
MAN
It’s not the saying of things that gets me into trouble these
days. It’s only the terrible effort to think of the names of
things that gets me into trouble now.
WOMAN
For me, it’s the proper ones. Like our poor kitty’s name.
Here…Here…Oh well.
MAN
It’s the regular ones that have started to stump me.
WOMAN
The common nouns.
MAN
Exactly. Otherwise, I’m fine.
WOMAN
I know.
MAN
When I’m just talking like this, I’m perfectly fine.
WOMAN
You’re still very articulate.
38
MAN
It’s only when I have to stop in the middle of talking to
think of what to call something that I get into trouble.
WOMAN
By the time you’ve stopped, Dear, you’re already in
trouble.
MAN
What?
WOMAN
By the time you’ve stopped, I said, you’re already in
trouble.
MAN
What?
WOMAN
You said it’s the stopping that gets you into trouble and I
said…Nevermind.
MAN
I’ve always been the kind of person who learned what he
thought by saying it, that was me, never thought things out
beforehand. Why bother wracking your…your…
WOMAN
Brains.
MAN
Exactly. When the other things can do a much better job.
WOMAN
The mouth. The tongue. The lips.
MAN
Exactly. It is very unnatural for someone like me to have
to struggle for the names of things. Words just always
came barreling out of my mouth. Like little barrels full of
thought.
WOMAN
That is not only articulate but clever, Dear.
39
MAN
See. I haven’t lost it yet.
WOMAN
It’s been at least five days though, hasn’t it, since the old
boy’s been home? Maybe that’s why I can’t remember his
name because… because…I’m so distraught.
MAN
Did you know that the sheer force of an emotional shock or
blow, not over a cat, but a big blow, has been known to
cause spontaneous blindness? I read it in an article. The
lights go out because the person simply revolts and refuses
to see the world anymore. I find that amazing. And it can’t
be faked, you know that.
WOMAN
If I wasn’t blind already, I would go blind now.
MAN
He always turns up and he’ll turn up this time when he gets
hungry.
WOMAN
But has he ever stayed away this long? He’s so old now,
I’m afraid something’s happened to him out there. The
poor, sweet old boy.
MAN
He’s a selfish little fiend and you know it.
WOMAN
He’s grown old with us, Dear.
MAN
So why does he persist in going out? You don’t see us
going out.
WOMAN
The old boy can’t help it. For him, it’s just plain, you
know…
MAN
Instinct. There it was. Right there on the platter when I
needed it. Instinct. A common noun. Abstract, I’ll grant
you that, but still a common noun.
40
WOMAN
Very good.
MAN
Instinct or not, that cat never had the sense to help
anything.
WOMAN
You really can’t blame him for wanting to tom around out
there. Just because he can’t hold his own anymore doesn’t
mean he stops wanting to. You should know.
MAN
Just can’t resist the old stab, can you?
WOMAN
I wouldn’t mind, Dear, really.
MAN
One of us would…break...in two. What’s that adage?
WOMAN
What?
MAN
That old adage about being old? I’ve said it a million
times.
WOMAN
What’s an adage?
MAN
An…An…Stop asking questions, please.
WOMAN
Why?
MAN
The nouns. The nouns. The thinking. The thinking. Let’s
just talk.
WOMAN
Okay, let’s. About what we have to do now about kitty.
MAN
Anyway, you don’t see us going out.
41
WOMAN
I think we should go out looking for him.
MAN
Going out would be the end of us. First, there’s the whatdo-you-call-them to negotiate.
WOMAN
What?
MAN
They go down and up.
WOMAN
The stairs.
MAN
The stairs, the stairs. Damn it. We might make it down but
we’d never make it up again.
WOMAN
Like our poor old tom.
MAN
There you go. His name.
WOMAN
No. That wasn’t it. Tom, that’s any male cat.
MAN
Whatever his name was, he was always a bit dim-witted,
even for a cat.
WOMAN
It’s how I like my cats; a little stupid but affectionate and
always hopping on me like you once did, Dear.
MAN
Just can’t resist the stab.
WOMAN
It’s nice to remember. Two old boys who could never get
enough of my lap.
42
MAN
What that cat needs is to have an ear chewed off by one of
the young toms in the park out there.
WOMAN
That’s a horrible thing to say.
MAN
Or it would probably take two chewed-off ears to teach
him, he’s such a stupid idiot.
WOMAN
I just hope he comes home soon. I miss him here. The
warmth of him, the weight of him, his purring.
(WOMAN makes a purring sound.)
MAN
The very sound of selfishness. It’s maddening to me the
way he laps you up without a care in the world. Using you.
What I’d really like to do is cram the idea into his little
head that at fourteen years of age he hasn’t got long left to
live. He’s so stupid he probably doesn’t even know he’s
old.
WOMAN
He’s a cat.
MAN
Exactly.
WOMAN
I hear the city’s been under a persistent fog these last five
days.
MAN
Where did you hear that?
WOMAN
On the radio, I think.
MAN
I’ve heard no such thing and I’ve been listening.
WOMAN
Well, the other radio.
43
MAN
You are, perhaps, making things up. Perhaps, in your
blindness, the new acuity of your hearing has penetrated
into imaginary realms.
WOMAN
Oh, be a dear and look out the window, please. Because a
persistent fog might be what’s confusing our lost kitty.
MAN
Out the window, sure, out the window, do you know what
you see out the window anymore? Not people. No. You
hardly see a soul. You just see those things rolling down
the street.
WOMAN
Cars.
MAN
Exactly. Cars.
WOMAN
Cars kill cats. Cars kill cats especially in the fog.
MAN
Cars. Nothing but cars. And when there’s a fog, you
know what the cars with their lights on look like? They
look like that those flying things …rrrrrrrrr… with wings...
WOMAN
Airplanes.
MAN
Exactly. Cars with their lights on in the fog look just like
airplanes going through the…
WOMAN
Clouds.
MAN
I knew that. Damn it. Give me a chance. How could I
forget clouds?
WOMAN
I don’t know, Dear. How do you manage to forget the
other ones?
44
MAN
What about getting a new kitten?
WOMAN
Don’t say that. He’ll be home. He’s coming home.
MAN
You’re right. We couldn’t handle a new kitten. They so
like to play. Everything’s a game to a kitten. Playing to a
kitten is like sleeping in your lap was to our selfish fiend of
a cat.
WOMAN
Stop it. And don’t say was. You’re not funny anymore.
MAN
Our lives have swallowed our last cat.
WOMAN
Why are you being so cruel over this?
MAN
Well, he hates me.
WOMAN
You could try being nice once in a while.
MAN
(Loudly.) Spontaneous!
WOMAN
My god, you gave me a start.
MAN
Spontaneous whiteness of the hair.
WOMAN
What?
MAN
That’s it. Not only spontaneous blindness but spontaneous
whiteness of the hair.
WOMAN
What are you talking about?
45
MAN
They’ve studied that too. It’s not the stuff of gothic tales.
It happens and has been scientifically studied.
WOMAN
You’re not losing your mind, are you?
MAN
Spontaneous whiteness of the hair due to an emotional
shock or blow has been scientifically studied. I read it in
that article. The sheer force of an emotional shock can turn
one’s hair spontaneously white. Not a hair, the hair, the
whole shooting match. There are things, whatever, at the
bottom of the hair that give way, the color drains out and is
swallowed up by people’s, you know…you know…
WOMAN
Scalps.
MAN
No.
WOMAN
Brains.
MAN
No.
WOMAN
Blood.
MAN
Anguish. There. Got it. Swallowed up by people’s
anguish. Never to return.
WOMAN
I am in anguish now.
MAN
So, the whiteness on my head isn’t whiteness at all, but a
failure of the color to remain in place.
WOMAN
Your hair is white?
46
MAN
Totally white. Has been for years.
WOMAN
And mine?
MAN
As snow. (He smiles at having remembered the word.)
WOMAN
Really? Oh well.
MAN
Snow. There it was when I needed it. Snow.
WOMAN
If my hair wasn’t white already, it would turn white now.
MAN
It’s all happened to us very gradually. We’ve had some
shocks, sure, who hasn’t, but none of the big blinding ones.
We are intact basically, still getting around, no children to
outlive and there wasn’t too much…you know…big
countries fighting. We only beat up little countries after a
while, if I remember it right.
WOMAN
Here…Here…Kitty…Oh well.
MAN
Lost lots of friends, of course, but by the time they died
they weren’t our friends anymore, we hardly recognized
each other. Remember our long haired friend, Sammy,
the…you know…the…come on…long hair…?
WOMAN
Hippie.
MAN
No. Noise. Noise. Lots of noise.
WOMAN
Rock musician.
MAN
Right.
47
WOMAN
Sammy? Are you sure? I’m so bad with the proper names.
MAN
Sammy. Played the things with the things…
WOMAN
Drums.
MAN
Played the drums like a fiend. Completely devoted to his
drumming way into his fifties. Never had a real job.
Dressed like a drummer. Remember? He’s over for dinner
one night and out he comes with these you know …flip…
flip… It was so strange. Remember?
WOMAN
Charts.
MAN
Actuarial charts.
WOMAN
Wow, where did that come from?
MAN
Don’t know. There it was, on the platter. Sammy, old
Sammy, trying to sell us that stuff.
WOMAN
Insurance. I remember, he told you to stop smoking.
MAN
That was the end of that friendship, very quick that one, but
mostly it’s all been very, very gradual with people and then
they were gone. Strange.
WOMAN
Oh my aching, empty lap. How very sad that cats don’t
live very long compared to people.
MAN
Our lives have swallowed six or seven cats. He was our
final cat.
48
WOMAN
Don’t say was.
MAN
You should have known, when that selfish little fiend
barged into our lives, that he might die under our care.
WOMAN
Your friend with the charts said that, if you didn’t stop
smoking, I’d outlive you by seven years. I thought I knew
that too, but here you are.
MAN
Seven years or half a stupid cat.
WOMAN
Stop it. You’re not clever anymore.
MAN
No one’s outlived anyone around here except us our stupid
cat.
WOMAN
Stop it, I said.
MAN
We have watched ourselves age hair by hair, noun by noun,
friend by friend and cat by cat.
(WOMAN stands, totters and starts to exit.)
WOMAN
That’s it. I’ve had it. You just have to say whatever comes
into your head, don’t you? You don’t know when to stop
and never have. I’m leaving. I’m going out to look for
him in the park.
MAN
May I remind you that you’re blind.
WOMAN
I don’t care.
MAN
The up and down things.
49
WOMAN
I don’t care.
MAN
The rolling things.
WOMAN
I don’t care. I’m going.
MAN
You’re going?
WOMAN
I’m going out to find the poor, sweet boy.
MAN
You’ll die out there.
WOMAN
I don’t care.
(WOMAN shuffles out. MAN looks around the room,
distressed. He moves to window, looks out, tries to say a
word. No good. Distress: A high-pitched whine. He sits in
WOMAN’s chair, tries to come up with a word. No good.
Distress: Another whine. WOMAN re-enters in her coat.
MAN approaches her.)
WOMAN
Touch me and I’ll scream.
MAN
I’m going out with you, Darling.
WOMAN
And you’ll be nice.
MAN
Yes, I’ll be nice.
WOMAN
Fine, fine. Give me your arm.
(He does. She takes it.)
50
MAN
But we don’t know what to call him. We can’t… we
can’t…remember his name.
WOMAN
It doesn’t matter. We’ll go out arm in arm into the fog,
talking, and he’ll come to us, when he hears our voices.
MAN
He will?
WOMAN
Sure, he will.
MAN
Oh.
WOMAN
Our cat will come to us when he hears our voices in the
fog.
(Lights fade to black as MAN and WOMAN slowly exit,
arm in arm. End of play.)
51