Death and Grief: Helping in
Congregations
Helen Harris, LCSW, DCSW
Center for Family and Community
Ministries: May 21, 2009
Loss and Grief…everyone is an
expert
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Kinds of losses
Own experiences
Theory
Practice
Take Aways for Today
Some Definitions
• Loss
• Bereavement
• Grief
• Mourning
Challenges: Societal Attitudes….
• Medicine should have an answer for every
problem….especially the enemy of death
• If it doesn’t involve death of a person, it isn’t
loss.
• Dependence on others is a burden………
Supported by church processes….
• The Prayer List
• Food in crisis
• Celebration and
Pollyanna
• Out of sight, out of
mind
• Defining needs
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For example….Loss of Health and
Independence…Needs of the
Dying…
Presence
Honesty
Hope
Symptom Management
Value
Opportunity to complete unfinished
business
Sometimes, it happens badly
• When we judge
• When we prescribe
• When we
“celebrate”only
• When we excuse
• When we abandon
• When we think we
know just how
someone feels
We know………….
• Each person’s grief is unique.
• Each person’s experience is his or hers
alone.
• Each experience is unlike any other.
• So, I can never know exactly how
someone else feels.
“Though united in that we are grieving, we grieve
differently. As each death has its own character, so each
grief over a death has its own character, its own inscape.”
Nick Wolterstorff
Lament for a Son
We also know….
• There are some commonalities in loss and
grief
• It helps not to walk the path alone
• Plethora of books of person’s experiences
• The development of theory
– Kubler-Ross
– Worden
First: Grief is Normative
• Consider the age of the bereaved
• Consider the relationship with the lost
person or object
• Consider the circumstances of the loss
• Consider the degree of change in day to
day life experienced by the bereaved
• Consider the support available
• Consider the bereaved’s history with crisis
EK Ross Model and Keys
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Shock/Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Despair
Acceptance
Grief impacts us holistically…
Social, Physical, Cognitive, Emotional, Spiritual
These five needs overlap.
Grief Takes Time
• Whole first year is one loss after another
• Beware of special occasions and holidays all
year
• Uncomplicated mourning is normally 2-3 years
• Complicated mourning may be a 5-7 year
process.
• Grief continues for a lifetime through major life
milestones.
Grief is Work:
Worden’s Four Tasks
• Experience the reality of the loss
• Experience the pain of the loss
• Adjust to an environment without the
deceased
• Withdraw emotional energy from the
deceased and invest it in new
relationship(s)
We CAN help…………
Tangibles
• Be present
• Mark your calendar for the entire year of
difficult days
• Call and send cards
• Do concrete tasks….lawn, meals, errands
• Assess and refer when needed
• Memorialize
• Don’t be afraid of tears
Self Care for Ministers
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The Jesus Model: Get away
The Jesus Model: Say No
The Jesus Model: Name it
The Jesus Model: Cry
The Jesus Model: Spend time with friends
The Jesus Model: Pray
Why do this work?
• Calling….
• The blessing of being invited into people’s
lives when they are most vulnerable
• The opportunity to see courage and
strength
• The richness of life intersecting with
eternity
The beginning….
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This is the church.
This is the steeple.
Open it up…
And see all the
people.