Appendix A
Obsessive-compulsive personality:
These individuals:
o
o
o
o
o
o
Are over controlled in decision making and relationships;
Overuse intellectual logic;
Underuse feelings and intuition;
Can be perfectionistic;
Are generally inflexible about their view of the world and their ideas;
Can become very self-righteous or indignant when their point of view is
not accepted;
o Can pay an inordinate amount of attention to rules and to schedules, such
that they loose sight of the big picture.
In order to deal with them:
o There will be times when it is necessary to interrupt their insistence on
details;
o Bring their focus back to the big picture;
o Point out that others may have different, but valid and legally applicable
views.

Histrionic personality:
These individuals:
o Are the reverse of the obsessive compulsive, because they rely almost
exclusively on feelings and intuition rather than intellectual logic;
o Will make dramatic presentations about the way they have been wronged
and assume the role of the victim;
o Can unconsciously make believe something that does not exist or is not
important;
o Will often not follow through.
In order to deal with them:
o They must be encouraged to look at objective data and use their
intellectual logic;
o Check out the information that they provide and ask for verifiable data that
can corroborate their hunches, feelings, and intuition.

Dependent personality:
These individuals:
o Are generally passive and show excessive clinging and submissive
behavior;
o Are left feeling vulnerable, helpless, and often depressed with the loss of a
spouse;
o Will not take much initiative;
o Can seem to have clouded thinking;
o May have difficulty finding words to express themselves;
o Have difficulty completing tasks independently;
o Have particular trouble expressing anger or resentment in a direct way
because they fear rejection and disapproval;
o Can develop what are called passive-aggressive traits;
o Are very difficult to deal with because they will smile, nod their heads, and
appear to be cooperating, but later show their lack of compliance in
various ways;
o May be late or not show up for appointments;
o Bring up information late in the legal process and claim that they had told
you this before;
o Sometimes sabotage the children’s visitation schedule by being late, not
showing up, and not calling to cancel.
In order to deal with them:
o They must be encouraged to finish the work of the separation before
entering into another significant relationship;
o Take an authoritative and directive role;
o Ensure that they are not feeling overwhelmed by requests;
o Give them written schedules and copies of agreements;
o Monitor compliance.

Narcissistic personality:
These individuals:
o Are subject to the major themes of grandiosity, self-importance, a sense of
entitlement, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy;
o May be either overbearing or charming and seductive;
o Assume that others will accept their point of view;
o Tend to blame others for any relationship problems and attempt to avoid
looking at their own contribution;
o May find it difficult to understand another person’s point of view or need;
o Take any experience of defeat as humiliating and may express rage and
want retaliation;
o Will react negatively to anything they perceive as criticism.
In order to deal with them:
o Ask them to use their “good intelligence” and skills to work with you to
bring about a satisfactory resolution;
o Avoid or minimize the concept of win-loose;
o Be aware of the vulnerability and poor sense of self-worth that lies
underneath their confident surface;
o Start by minimizing the extent to which you can achieve their idealized and
expected goals.

Antisocial personality:
These individuals:
o Are very self-centered, with a “me first and only” attitude, but have little
regard for the needs or feelings of others;
o Are cynical about the possibility of any type of healthy relationship and do
not trust others to care for them;
o Seek self-satisfaction;
o Have little or no respect for personal ethics or values;
o Can be very charming and quite manipulative;
o Are skilled at being very chameleon-like and can shift in attitude and
behavior as the situation demands;
o Can withhold, exaggerate, distort, and lie about information with absolutely
no regret.
In order to deal with them:
o Do not expect optimal cooperation;
o Inform them that withholding, lying, or exaggerating information will lead to
embarrassment and an unsatisfactory resolution;
o Look for inconsistency between their own self-descriptions and other
people’s reports of them, documents, or any objective data;
o Set firm standards for working together;
o Emphasize that it is in their best interest to work with you;
o Outline their responsibilities and monitor to see whether they follow
through.

Borderline personality:
These individuals:
o Have a shaky ego structure, which means they have very little solid sense
of self;
o Tend to react based on what happens to them on any particular day;
o Are among the most difficult to treat;
o Are usually frightened people who grow up with little parental consistency;
o Have a way of influencing others to care for them by their unconscious
neediness, but respond to the rescuer\caring manner with a shift to
mistrust;
o Are truly inconsistent in their functioning, which may appear as a
manipulative play, but it is not;
o Can be fickle in their interests, allegiances, and relationships;
o Can be expected to have difficulty being consistent in providing data and
may even change descriptions of major events;
o The range in their attitude can be severe – from arrogance,
suspiciousness, and control to passivity, dependence, and fear;
o Will seek out new relationships while in a divorce process to ameliorate
the pain of anxiety and separation.
In order to deal with them:
o Be very matter of fact about your role and function and try not to give them
extra attention;
o Be wary of profuse compliments, because they have a tendency to
idealize the other person and then experience great disappointment when
their unconscious hopes are not fully realized;
o Set limits early on in the relationship;
o Be aware that they may either make extra demands on your time and
energy or ignore you;
o Request discipline, and insist on compliance and promptness with
appointments and requested information;
o Caution them about the effects on their children of serial relationships and
new affairs;
o Do not be surprised if they experience any of your limit-setting as a
rejection and may act out in some impulsive way;
o Try not to overreact to their swift and extreme moods;
o Try to represent a factor of practical stability in their chaotic functioning.

Paranoid personality:
These individuals:
o Distrust others and scrutinize words and behavior for evidence of
suspected exploitation and deception;
o Will exacerbate and reinforce their intrinsic suspiciousness with the
trauma of divorce\separation;
o May develop and put forth extensive elaborations of how their spouses
have been planning the divorce\separation for a long time and how others
have been colluding against them;
o Need a direct, robust, intelligent, yet gentle, therapist who can
appropriately clarify and confront their defenses;
o Will be reluctant to provide information about themselves;
o Do not like surprises.
In order to deal with them:
o Challenge their exaggerations that do not appear to fit with reality;
o Point out that it is healthier for them to focus on the underlying feelings
rather than on their mental suspicions or on trying to blame others;
o You may want to recommend that they find a therapist with whom they
can express and explore their feelings of pain and sadness, while
recognizing particularly with paranoid individuals that the
psychotherapeutic relationship is very special and requires trust,
confidence, and comfort to be effective;
o Be honest in pointing out which conclusions seem logical and reasonable,
and which do not seem substantiated based on information from them or
other sources;
o Suggest that they again look at their conclusions to see whether these
suspicions are a way of avoiding sadness and pain;
o Be careful not to humiliate them because they are hypersensitive to
others’ attitudes;
o Explain why you need vital information and how it will be used;
o Alert them that certain information may be used in court;
o Never lie or cover up significant information, and admit a mistake,
acknowledge an oversight, and own up to a misunderstanding.

Avoidant personality:
These individuals:
o
o
o
o
o
Are frightened of new experiences;
Lack self-confidence and cling to the known and familiar;
Have dependent and passive traits;
Are socially inhibited, and have difficulty forming new relationships;
Fear failure, disappointment, negative judgment from others, and
rejection;
o Are exquisitely sensitive to feeling embarrassed and exposed in unfamiliar
situations;
o Feel overwhelmed with the challenge of divorce because their familiar
structure is gone;
o Will take time before they can open up and be candid and complete in
providing and sharing information.
In order to deal with them:
o It is important to give them reassurance and to believe in them;
o Do not deny their shortcomings and fear, but try to help them with ways of
dealing with them;
o They may need extra coaching and guidance to help them do their part in
the divorce process;
o Be available by phone, because you will be a lifeline to them.

Schizoid/Introverted personality:
These individuals:
o Function more on an intellectual and logical basis, and have limited
emotional contact with the world;
o Do not fully emotionally or socially engage with life;
o Basically have underdeveloped emotional and social skills.
In order to deal with them:
o Time is a significant factor, and they go at a very slow pace;
o Tell them clearly what information to gather, and give them a reasonable
time schedule in which to accomplish this;
o They may need constant reminders and written instructions;
o Be active, assertive, friendly, and advise and follow up as a concerned
relative might do.