Core values
To help you explore and share your common core values, I have extracted
from the work of Dr. Daniel Shapiro his Core Concerns in a relationship.
Spending time to develop you own core of values, will help to strengthen the
relationship now, but also serve to remind and ground you in your
commitment when you are having a distressing conflict. During this time, we
need to shift to the rational mode, rather than stay in our feelings, and to
recall our core concerns.
These five core concerns represent strongly-held principles and beliefs. Take
this opportunity to read and discuss these values, whether or not you have
already discussed, so that you might find areas of compatibility, as well as
differing needs:
Appreciation. Appreciation encompasses the desire to be understood and
valued. Expressing appreciation involves finding the merit in another
person’s point of view. Research has shown that couples in stable marriages
expressed about five positive emotions, such as, showing interest, affection,
or humor, during the discussion for every one negative emotion, such as
defensiveness, contempt, or anger. (John Gottman) Showing appreciation,
particularly as a conflict is about to emerge, can help prevent a conflict from
escalating, and help to resolve a dispute while strengthening a relationship.
Affiliation. Conflict puts us in an adversarial position with our partner and
can be offset by building an emotional connection so that the partner
becomes an ally. When we seek affiliation, couples learn to cooperate to
solve a problem. Building affiliation entails approaching substantive
differences as shared problems to be worked out together. Think
collaboration and cooperation.
Autonomy. Each person has his/her own personal power. This is seen when
a person expresses what is truly important to him or her. Conflicts often
develop when people feel that they were not adequately involved in a
decision that directly affected them. To foster autonomy, Dr. Shapiro
recommends the “ACBD” approach: “Always Consult Before Deciding.” That
means actively involving the other in a decision-making process when the
outcome affects him or her in some way.
Status. In the heat of a conflict, adversaries may compete in terms of
standing or expertise. One might say, “I’ve got more experience on this
issue,” or use body language that conveys superior status, such as looming
over another person. Not surprisingly, this may make the other person feel
diminished and, therefore, resentful. However, status can also be used
positively. You can begin a discussion by asking your spouse for advice,
showing the spouse that he/she has status in your eyes.
Role. People have many roles in life. An individual may be a spouse, a
parent, a homeowner, and a company manager. But when it comes to
resolving a conflict, the roles people play tend to be temporary and
transient. They act variously as listeners, mediators, or advocates. In Dr.
Miller’s 2-Step Model to conflict management, each person takes turn being
the one having a problem to share, while the other listens intently to what
that problem is like for the partner. For many couples, often one person
automatically assumes a certain role.
For example, there’s often one person who plays the primary role of the
“listener.” So, the couple needs to learn how to switch this role around. For
example, a wife wants to discuss a frustrating work situation when she gets
home. Her husband interrupts, offering advice about how to fix the problem.
The advice may be good, but his wife gets angry and chews him out for
interrupting. She wants him to listen to her, because she can’t speak as
freely at work. So the husband needs to shift roles from the “fixer” to the
“listener.”
(For more information, see Daniel Shapiro & Roger Fisher, Beyond Reason:
Using Emotions as You Negotiate.)
©2015 All Right Reserved, Dr. Richard H. Miller, Whole Health Education & Counseling.