TheSelf-LoveGame
Self-loveisatermthathasbeendoingtheroundsforsomeyears.Iusedtoshrinkfromit.It
camewiththebaggageofmyadolescencewhenacommonmaliciousphrasewas“Theyfully
lovethemself”meaningthepersonbeingbitchedaboutwasanegotisticalswellhead.But
morethanthisconnotation,thewords‘self-love’triggeredtheknowledgethatIactually
reallystruggledtolovemyself.
TodayIcansay‘Ilovemyself’andfeelthetruthofthisstatementbothasastateandasan
ongoingpractice.Sowhat’schanged?
Letmetellyoualittleaboutmyself-lovestory.
SittingintheCircle
Ayoungboyandgirlplayedinthecentreofthespace,oblivioustotheadultsmeditating
aroundthem.AsmymindrelaxedandemptiedIenteredintoadeepeningstillnessandcalm.
Forawhile,timestoodstilluntiltheringoftheTibetanbellscutthroughthescouthall.Eyes
blinkedopenundertheflurolights.Ourgroup,asrandomlycomposedasanyinnercity
crowd,satcircledaroundashinydomed,Morpheus-likecharacter–ourteacherandfriend
Sonny.
Dressedinhishabitualturquoiseandcrimsonrobestheself-describedBaldBlackBarbarian,
waswearingatantalizingsmile.Hewasabouttobeginandheseemedalittletooexcited.
Lookingaroundslowlyhesaid,‘Doyouloveyourself?’
Ifeltpricklingstardustspreadupmybackandacrossmybrow.Secondspassedandthe
silencethickened.NoonewantedtomakethefirstresponseandpeoplesquirmedasSonny
satcalmlywaiting.
Inourteacher’seyesshonenothingbutkindness…andagooddoseofmischief!Amongthe
restofthegroupIhearditchingandshufflingfeet,andperipherallysensedthecrossingof
arms.Itfeltasifacommonshamefulsecrethadjustbeensnuffedout.
Thegroup’sunspokenresponseseemedtobe:‘No,Idon’tlovemyself.’Whilemanyofus
wentontosharethatwelovedthingsaboutourselves,didthingstocareforourselves,
pursuedpassionsandsoon,mostofusacknowledgedourstrugglesinthisprimary
relationshipofselftoself.Wespokeofinsistentnegativeself-talkandthemagnificationof
ourownshortcomings,ofthestickinessofourfailurescomparedwiththeminimizationof
oursuccessesandoftheinternalfireworksthatweresetoffbythequestionitself.
© 2016 Self Craft
TheWholehearted
Thisshameful‘secret’ofstrugglingwithself-loveisactuallyremarkablycommon.Inour
timesofescalatingdepressionandincreasingdependenceonuppersanddowners,it’sreally
notmuchofasecretatall.Infact,theworkofperhapstheworld’smostprominent
contemporarysocialresearcher,BreneBrown,isfocusedspecificallyonthatwhichnurtures
andnegatesself-love.
Brownlikestoshockheraudiencesbydeclaringforthrightlythatsheisashameresearcher.
Theveryutteranceoftheword‘shame’tendstogetavisceralresponsefrommostpeople.
Mostofusdonotwanttoacknowledgeanyrelationshiptothewordshamebecauseit’sjust
so…shameful!Yetweallexperienceshametovariousdegrees.Itcanbehelpfultothinkof
shameastheantithesisofself-love.Itisthedarkbroodingcloudofunworthiness,theblack
holethatswallowsuppositivepossibilities.Shamepointsthefingerwithindeclaringthereis
somethingintrinsicallywrongwithyou.
Whileresearchingtheemergingfieldofshameresiliencethrough‘groundedresearch
methodology’,anapproachthatuncoverspsychosocialpatternsratherthanimposingand
testinghypotheses,Brownfoundshewasactuallyinvestigatingself-loveor,more
commonly,theabsenceofit.Acrossthousandsofparticipantsshefoundalargemajorityof
peoplelivewithapersistentlackofself-worthwhilecommonlyexperiencingunderlying
currentsofshame.However,shealsofoundasignificantminorityofpeoplewhoexhibiteda
habituallylovingrelationshiptothemselves,dubbingthisgroupthe‘wholehearted’.
Wholeheartedpeoplehavesomecorecharacteristicsincommonincludingcourage,the
consistentpracticeofcompassion(includingself-compassion),andtheinclinationtoconnect
withotherswhentheyneedsupport.Shereferstothesequalitiesofthe3Csandurgesusto
doourbesttopracticethemonadailybasis.Shefoundthatthecommittedpracticeof
courage,compassionandconnectionwerethecoreantidotetoshame.Eachofthemallows
ustonamewhatisgoingonforusthusflushingshameoutfromtheshadowswhereitis
inclinedtothrive.
InmyownexperienceIhavefoundthatthe3Csprovideamanageableandpowerful
frameworkforwholeheartedliving.Itisimportanttorecognisetheyarenotstatictraitsthat
youdoordon’thave.Courage,compassionandconnectionareactuallyskillsthatwe
alreadyallhavebutthatwecanalsohoneandinsogoingtheyprovideyouwithapractice
ofself-lovethatpromotesfeelinginlovewithyourself.
Practicingthe3Cs
Let’sbeginwithagutchecktoseehowrelevantthe3Csaretoyou.Withthefollowing
questionspleasetakenoteofbothyourreflexiveresponseaswellastakingafewmoments
tocontemplationoseewhat.
1. Courage:Doyoutrytopretendthateverythingisokwhenyouareinfactfeeling
vulnerableandafraid?
2. Connection:Wheninneedofsupportdoyoutendtopullawayfromthosewhocould
lendahand?
3. Compassion:Whenyoubelieveyouhavefailed(inarelationship,creativelyorat
work)doyouthenfallintoharshself-criticism?
© 2016 Self Craft
Ifyouanswered‘Yes’toanyoftheabovequestionsyoumayhaveidentifiedwhereyoucan
practicegreaterself-love.Itisuptoeachofustochoosehowweinvitethesequalitiesinto
ourlivesasacourageousactformemaybeanactionofhabitualeaseforyouandvice
versa.SoIleaveittoyoutoanswerthefollowingquestionsifyouwishtoembracethe3Cs
asapersonalpractice:
1. Courage:WhatisacourageousactionIcantakethatIwillcommittooverthisnext
day?
2. Connection:Whowoulditbegoodformetoconnectwithoverthisnextday?How
andwhenwillIconnectwiththem?
ButwhatofthethirdC–Compassion?We’lltakealittlemoretimelookingathowwecan
cultivatethisandwe’llbeginbyansweringthefollowingprovocativequestion:
3. Compassion:Whatisonethingthatiswrongwithme?
Keepyouranswertotheabovetojustonethingastemptingasitmaybetothinkofa
bunch.Gotitclear?Ifsojustputittothesideforaminute.We’llcomebacktoitsoonas
meansforpracticingself-compassion.Butfornowlet’sgobacktotheteachingcirclewith
theSonnytheBoldandBeautifulBarbarian.
2020VisionandTheWork
Acommonthemehademergedinthecirclethatnight.Throughoursharingwerecognized
therolethatjudgmentplaysinerodingandthwartingself-love.Towardstheendofthe
eveningSonnystoodupandbeganpacing.“Icanseewhatisgoingonforyou.Ithinkyouall
believewhatyouthink.Youthinkyouknowwhoyouare.Thatyouactuallyareallthese
judgmentsthatyou’vebeentalkingabout.Let’sfixthat!”
TotacklethisheleftuswithatoolthatheandIhadrecentlydevelopedtogetherfor
homework.AlthoughI’dhelpedcreateitIhadyettoputittouse.Overthecomingweeks
this2020VisionToolwouldtransformmysenseofselfandmakeitnexttoimpossibleto
takeanyofself-judgmentsseriously.
ThefollowingdayIjudgedmyself.Isat,identifiedandwrotedown10positiveand10
negativepersonaltraits.AtthispointIalsorecordedtheiropposites.ForinstanceIidentified
myselfasGeneroussoIincludedtheopposite–Stingy.OnthenegativesideI’dsaidIwas
ScatteredsoIalsorecordedthepossibilitythatIamCentered.ThenforthenexttwoweeksI
lookedforevidenceofeachofthesequalities.
IfoundthatIjustasoftenthe‘opposite’traitsastheinitialonesI’dchosen.Inotherwords,
myhabitualideaofmyselfhadnogreatercredencethanalternate,‘opposite’perspectives!
Thisdiligentprocessledmetocommonlysmilingorevenlaughingatthejudgmentsmyown
mindwouldthrowatmeastheirlackofvalidityhadcometoseemquitecomic.
Togiveyouatasteofthisprocesslet’sexploreaprocessfromapioneerinthefieldofSelfLove,ByronKatie.Katie’scoreprocessknownas‘TheWork’isassimpleasitisprofoundand
canbeusedasapowerfultoolforpracticingcompassion.TodayIinviteyoutouseitsfirst
fourstepsasalightningpathtocompassionatelylettinggoofharmfulself-judgment.
Nowlet’stakethatjudgmentyoumadeofyourselfearlierbackoftheshelf.Whatdidyou
saywaswrongwithyou?Sayittoyourselfasastatement.Nowaskyourselfthefollowing:
© 2016 Self Craft
•
Isthattrue?
•
Isthatabsolutelytrue?Atalltimes,inallcircumstancesandfromallperspectives?
Thisstepshouldloosenthegripoftheoriginalthought.
•
HowdoIfeelwhenIbelievethisthought?Clearlyarticulatehowyoufeeling.
•
WhowouldIbewithoutthisthought?Letgooftheoriginalthought,breatheintothe
spaceanddescribehowyoufeelminusthethought.
Beforelong,thispracticetendstoendthemomentyouaskyourself,‘Isthattrue?’The
momentyouaskthisyouhavealreadyquestionedthevalidityofyourthoughtsandstepped
outoftheirgrip.Lettinggoofself-judgmentweareabletohavecompassionforourselves.
Andwhenwejudgeourselvesharshlyonceagainwecanletgoofmakingthiswrongand
havecompassionforjudgewithin!
Self-Love:thesourceofalllove
Todaywe’veexploredacoupleofmentalprocessesbuttherearecountlesswaystoengage
inself-lovepractice.Younodoubtalreadyhaveyourownwaysofactivelycaringforyourself
whetheritisthroughcaringforyourhealth,foryourfriendshipsorinvestingtimeinthings
youholddear.Intermsoflovingourselvesthroughactsofself-caremywifeandIusethe
tongueincheekguideSPERMStoensureweareasholisticinourapproachaspossible.This
slightlysqueamish(buthighlymemorable)mnemonicguidesusinhavingalifepracticethat
honorsour:
•
Spirituality
•
Physicalbeing
•
Emotionalneeds
•
Relationships
•
Mentalstate
•
Sexuality
OurSPERMSframeworkcamefromthatphaseofinnerworkwithSonny.Overtheensuing
timeafterourfirstawkwardSelf-Lovecirclethegroupkeptcomingbackwithreportsof
differentwaystoactivelyloveourselves.Amoreplayful,inquisitiveandexploratory
relationshiptoourselveswasevolving.WhenSonnyoriginallyaskedus‘Doyoulove
yourself?’manyofushadfixatedonoursnapjudgmentsasthemeasureofourself-love.
Now,wehadbeguntoengageinSelf-Loveasagame.
AnotherCircle
Onanothernightsomemonthslaterwesatagaininmeditation.Weopenedoureyesasthe
Tibetanbellspeeled.Asusual,atthecenterofthecircle,childrenplayedcontentedly.
LookingaroundIcouldseeweadultsweredoingjustthesame.
CairoRha
© 2016 Self Craft