Games People Play
Mary Anne Trotman
The MAT Consultancy
What is a Game?
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Repetitive pattern of behaviour
Played out of Adult awareness by 2 or more players
Can be over in minutes or last for years
Played at different degrees
Follows a set pattern
Involves discounting
Involve hidden agenda & unspoken messages beneath overt
behaviour
• Meets a need for both players
Think of a recent situation when…
• You and the other person both ended up feeling bad
• You ended up saying something like:
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Why does this always happen to me?
How did that happen again?
I thought they were different
Typical…
You were surprised or confused by the outcome
It somehow felt familiar
Felt like something happening / being said “between the lines”
How did you feel and think at the end?
Ego States
Parent ego-state
Behaviours, thoughts &
feelings copied from
parental figures
P
Critical/Controlling
Parent
CP NP
Nurturing
Parent
Adult ego-state
Behaviours, thoughts &
feelings which are direct
responses to the hereand-now
A
Child ego-state
Behaviours, thoughts &
feelings replayed from
childhood
C
A
Rebellious
Child
Adapted
Child
RC
FC
AC
Adult
Free
Child
Transactions
• We communicate from one of our ego states to an ego state
of the other person (transactions)
• Different ego states will give different responses
• We can shift between our own, or target specific ego states of
another person, to influence the outcome of our
communications
• We communicate at a social and psychological level
• People respond to the psychological level message
Transactions
Social Level
Transaction
(What’s actually
said)
P
P
Where are my keys?
A
A
On the hall table
C
C
Transactions
Ulterior
Transaction
P
(Psychological /
Unspoken
Message)
A
You’re always
moving my
stuff!
Where are my keys?
P
A
On the hall table
C
You’re always
criticising me!
C
Why we play Games
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Prospect of meeting mutual needs
Receive recognition / attention (strokes)
A way of passing time
Affirm Life Position – reinforce script beliefs
Avoid intimacy / attempt to gain intimacy
To make people predictable
Why Don’t you… Yes But…
Oh stop pushing
me I’ll do it
when I’m ready
I don’t know what
to try next…
Oh now I’ve
gone and upset
them again
Why don’t you ask
Jim, he's done it
before
Oh Yes but he’s
always so busy
Yes but it’s not
really specific
enough for my
problem
Yes but that will be
too expensive
Why don’t you do
that webinar
Well why don’t you
call that coach you
met last month
Game Formula
• Structured exchange between 2 or more players
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Invitation & Response
Series of parallel (social & ulterior) transactions
Switch (Ego State/Drama Triangle position)
Confusion/Surprise – uncomfortable emotional response
Payoff (reinforce Life Position/Script)
Initiator
Invitation/Response
Ulterior motive for playing
Social Transactions (Ego States)
Ulterior Transactions (Ego States)
Switch
Uncomfortable Emotion
Payoff
Responder
Initiator
Responder
Invitation/Response
Appears to want help
Offers help/support
Ulterior motive for playing
Wants attention & to justify
inactivity
Meets need to help others
Social Transactions (Ego States)
Adult
Adult
Ulterior Transactions (Ego States)
Child – Parent
(from helpless Victim-y Child)
Parent – Child
(from Rescuing Parent)
Switch
Switch to CP
Switch to Child
Uncomfortable Emotion
Self-righteous Anger
Deskilled and foolish
Payoff
Confirms belief that they will
never succeed
Confirms I’m Not OK position
I NEED
HELP
I WANT
ATTENTION
You get the Games you “need”…
I must be …
Will attract games that …
Reasonable
Provoke you
Helpful
Deskill you
Strong
Make you feel weak
Perfect
Expose your flaws
Win
Make you fail
Please others
Threaten disapproval
The 6 advantages of Games
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Biological advantage: gaining attention and stimulation, which are
essential for our well being.
Existential advantage: Confirming the life position.
Internal psychological advantage: Defending against internal fears
and old unwanted feelings.
External psychological advantage: the avoidance of a feared
situation by playing the game.
Internal social advantage: Providing players with pseudo-intimacy.
External social advantage: This is relating to the opportunity to
talk with others, outside of the game about the game.
Drama Triangle
P
Persecutor
Rescuer
Victim
V
R
Games & Discounting
I’m OK
You’re Not OK
P
R
Belittle / Put others down
I’m OK
You’re Not OK
I must help, others not
able to help themselves
Discount Other
Discount Other
I’m Not OK
You’re OK
I can’t cope on my own
Discount Self
V
Healthy Triangle
Potent
Respond
Vulnerable
Recognising & Stepping out of Games
• Familiarise yourself with how games work
– Who starts them, with whom do you play, what need in you gets
hooked…
• Stop discounting yourself and others
– Don’t blame self / others or do more than your fair share
• Share your awareness with the other player
• Respond from Adult
– “what do you think you will do about it?”
Know how Games meet your needs
• Identify your need, e.g. I must be reasonable, helpful …
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What are we really after?
What is our imagined ideal outcome?
Are we seeking to gain or avoid something?
Are we seeking to confirm some status / image?
What do you want to see happen to other player?
• Think your way out
– Question flawed assumptions, universal rules, faulty definitions/roles
• Act your way out
– Take control of your needs rather than let others control them
What is a Game?
• A process of doing something with an ulterior motive
that:
– Is outside of Adult awareness
– Does not become explicit until the participants switch the way
they are behaving
– Results in everyone feeling confused, misunderstood and
wanting to blame the other person
Mary Anne Trotman
“
I help businesses & individuals enhance their
performance and fulfil their potential by
developing their Emotional Intelligence.
Contact me :
07880 972774
[email protected]
www.matconsultancy.co.uk
”
M a r y A n n e Tro t m a n
T h e M AT C o n s u l t a n c y
@MATconsultancy
matconsultancy