Working with Difficult Leaders
The Best Practice Institute
Terry Real
September 30, 2009
Agenda
Intro
: What makes a leader difficult?
Part 1
: You
 Tool #1
: The Relationship Grid as Diagnosis
 Tool #2
: The Relationship Grid as Intervention
Part 2
: Your client
 Intro
: Understanding Grandiosity
 Tool #3
: Using Leverage
 Tool #4
: Joining Through the Truth
 Case Pres. : A Rancher's Son
:
Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
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The Relationship Grid™
Grandiosity
(condescending personality)
Walled off and one up
Boundaryless and one up
Indifferent
Controlling
"Passive-aggressive"
Angry
"You're not worthy"
Walled Off
Boundaryless
Health
(distancer)
Walled off and one down
Resigned
Withdrawn
(pursuer)
Boundaryless and one down
Desperate
Manipulative
Depressed
Shame
(professional victim)
Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real
Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
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The Relationship Grid™ in the Workplace
Grandiosity
(condescending personality)
Walled off and one up
Boundaryless and one up
Prone to SNUB others
(snob)
Walled Off
Prone to being
disrespectful
Boundaryless
Health
(evader
(pursuer)
Walled off and one down
Prone to disengage
Boundaryless and one down
Prone to exaggerate
facts/bend truth to
achieve agenda
Shame
(professional victim)
Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real
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OPTIONAL
Use of Grid
What you need to do with
yourself
 Identify where you are
 Bring yourself to the circle
of health
What you need to do with
your client
 Empower them to do what
you just did
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People don't have problems
They are problems
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OPTIONAL
Grandiosity vs. Shame
Grandiosity impairs
judgment
Grandiosity feels good
Therefore
 Not much lucidity
 Little motivation to
change
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6
OPTIONAL
Not Alliance – Leverage!
"Goodwill" is a weak basis
for change
Leverage means
 You have something the
client wants
 You stand between the
client and negative
consequences
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Joining Through the Truth
2 parts
1 Telling the truth
2 Telling it in a way that joins to the
person you're telling the truth to
Most coaching is imbalanced
 There isn't enough truth being told, or
 It's "Flat Footed" – so it's not heard
The art is telling the truth in a way that
brings the person along with you
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Joining Through the Truth, continued …
Help the client see what he's doing
Always use specific data
 From reports
 From your own reactions
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Joining Through the Truth, continued …
Separate "I" of client and her grandiosity
 Grandiosity is oppressive
 "You are a decent person who's been
behaving indecently"
 Help client develop an allergy to his or
her own grandiosity
Form an alliance with the best part of the
client, a coalition against his grandiosity
Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
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A Rancher's Son
Tools for Work with Grandiose Leaders
Get their attention
 Leverage, negative consequences
Separate person from obnoxious behavior
 Form a coalition with the mature leader against
the grandiosity
Help them see what they're doing
 Use specific data
 Shift affect
Unearth Cognitive Distortion
 Their faulty relational map
Give them concrete alternatives
 Show them what more relational words and
actions would look like under these circumstance
Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute
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