FOSTERING THE DEVELOPMENT OF
FREELY-GIVEN RELATIONSHIPS
PRESENTED BY
TOM DOODY
OUTLINE OF TOPIC AREAS
• The Problem—Why Don’t People Have Friends?
• A Definition—Relationships For Today’s Presentation
• Obstacles to Freely-Given Relationships
• Setting the Stage
• Agency Based Strategies
• Studying the Ordinary
• Roles and Qualities of Effective Supporters
THE PROBLEM IS DEVALUATION
•
•
•
•
•
Different in Ways Seen as Significant
Person or Group Defined by Difference
Differentness is Valued Negatively
Person or Group is Valued Negatively
Leads to Negative Responses from Others
DEVALUATION, NOT DISABILITY,
IS THE PROBLEM
WHAT “WORKS” FOR PEOPLE
What works best for people in general also works
best for people with disabilities. For example, it
works best when disabled people:
• Live in real homes – homes like those where most
non-disabled people live.
• Live, work, volunteer, learn, shop, contribute, and
play in community.
• Spend most time with non-disabled people—
family, friends, and age peers.
• Keep medical and other specialized services in
the background.
SOME ELEMENTS OF FRIENDSHIP
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Freely-Given/Unpaid
Presence/Sufficient Contact
Enduring
Flexible
Caring/Heartfelt
Trust
Help in Times of Need
Mutually Rewarding—Perhaps Not Equal
ALL KINDS OF GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
ARE PART OF THE GOOD LIFE
• Enduring, Good, Loving, Supportive Families
Are Wonderful
• Enduring, Good, Loving, Supportive Staff Are
Wonderful
• Enduring, Good, Loving, Supportive Disabled
Friends are Wonderful
ALL ARE IMPORTANT, BUT EVEN IF ALL ARE
PRESENT, THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH
FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT, BUT…
• Focus on More Prevalent, and Easier to Support,
Relationships Drives Out Efforts to Foster FreelyGiven Relationships
• Need Not Seen or Addressed
• If Need Known, Not Seen as Important Priority
• Usually Not an Explicit Part of Staff Role
• Possibilities of Other Relationships Not Seen
• Little or No Action to Foster and Support
Freely-Given Relationships
SOME MAJOR ELEMENTS
OF CURRENT SITUATION
• Societal Values Mediate Against Freely-Given
Relationships—Negative Attitudes
• Devaluation Continues—Rejection is Real
• Long History of Segregation—Little Experience
• Great Dependence on Paid, Expert Services
• Lack of Consciousness of Natural Ways
Relationships Begin and Develop
• Lack of Experience Supporting Others’
Relationships in Background Roles
SETTING THE STAGE
Convenience of Contact
•
•
•
•
Close to Others’ Home and Jobs
Close to Places People Meet
Good Transportation
Good Access
SETTING THE STAGE
Making Impressions That
Invites Contact and Interaction
• Image Enhancing Physical Settings
• Positively Valued Personal Associations
*Staff
*Others Served
*Other People
• Image Enhancing, Inviting Activities
• Positively Valued Appearance & Mannerisms
• Image Enhancing Language and Stories
SETTING THE STAGE
Activities Inviting Contact
•
•
•
•
Others Actually Present
Interaction Natural
Repeated Contacts Possible
Good Match for the Person
*Interests *Competence *Contribution
• Opportunity for Shared Participation
• Opportunity for Valued Roles
AGENCY-BASED STRATEGIES
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Change the Person
Stimulate Existing/Potential Network
Involve Person in New Groups
Agency-Based Volunteer Program
Workers’ Personal Networks
Urge Others to Reach Out
Broker Through Specially Committed
Other Person
• Semi-Independent Program
• Independent Program
CONSIDERATIONS FOR DESIGNING &
EVALUATING AGENCY APPROACHES
Likely Effectiveness and Convenience of:
• Recruitment
• Orientation
• Naturalness
• Relationship Growth/Value
• Support
• Independence
• Further Integration
• Duration of Relationships
CULTURALLY-VALUED ANALOGUE
LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARY
“A societal practice (a) which can be
encountered with at least reasonable frequency
in the valued sector of society, (b) with which
most members of the society would be familiar,
(c) of which most members of the society would
hold positive expectations and images, (d) which
constitutes a valued parallel to a practice
performed by or with devalued people.”—
PASSING: Wolf Wolfensberger & Susan Thomas
BRINGING ORDINARY LESSONS ABOUT
RELATIONSHIPS TO CONSCIOUSNESS
•
•
•
•
•
For People in General
For Different Age-Groups
For Different Subcultures
For Different Situations
For Different Kinds of Relationships
Asking Ourselves—Interrogating Our Experience
Asking Others—Interrogating Their Experience
LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARY
WHAT DO SISTERS DO?
•
•
•
•
•
•
Shop
Meals and Coffee—Home and Out
Entertainment—Movies, Plays, Concerts, Etc.
Support Other Family Members--Children
Discuss (Complain About) Others in Family
Family Celebrations and Traditions
LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARY
DEEPENING ROLES & RELATIONSHIPS
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
School—Classmate and School Friend
Work—Coworker and Work Friend
Home—Neighbor and Neighbor Friend
Church—Fellow Parishioner and Church Friend
Formal Group—Member and Colleague
Informal Group—Presence and “Regular”
Family—Weddings/Funerals and Closest Ally
INTEROGATING THE ORDINARY
• What Do: Neighbors, Church Members,
Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and
Others Do Together?
• How Do: Neighbors, Church Members,
Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and
Others Meet?
• How Do: Neighbors, Church Members,
Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and
Others Get to Know Each Other?
INTEROGATING (CONTINUED)
• How Do Neighbors, Church Members,
Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and
Others Grow Closer?
• How Do Neighbors, Church Members,
Coworkers, Students, Club Members, and
Others Become Friends?
• How Do Friends Become Close Friends—Even
Enduring and Intimate Friends?
LESSONS FROM THE ORDINARY:
FROM FRIEND TO CLOSE FRIEND
• Making Time for Each Other
• Openness and Sharing
• Genuineness and Mutual Vulnerability
• Honesty and Trust
• Profound Understanding and Acceptance
• There for Each Other—Presence High Priority
How? Time Passing, Responding in Hard Times,
Making Sacrifices, Forgiveness, Acknowledging Each
Other, Proving the Caring
INDIVIDUALIZED SUPPORT PLANS
LEVELS OF SUPPORT
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
None—Get Out of the Way
Minimal—Suggestions and Encouragement
Guidance—Ideas and Coaching
Behind—Background Presence and Help
With—Presence and Active Assistance
For—Inviting, Arranging and Doing
To—Create and Structure Good Opportunity
PRINCIPLES OF THE SUPPORTER ROLE
PREPARING ONESELF
• Maintain Clarity of Purpose
• High Expectations and Positive Assumptions
for All Involved Parties
• Consciousness of Obstacles and Facilitators
• Truly Respecting and Valuing People
• Modeling Desirable Patterns of Interaction
• Plan and Prepare Thoughtfully for One Person
PRINCIPLES OF THE SUPPORTER ROLE
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
ENGAGING WITH OTHERS
Follow Image Enhancing Practices
Use Natural and Typical Means as Much as
Possible
Act and Adapt with and for Individuals
Welcome and Engage Openness
Encourage Interaction
Explore Possibilities for Repeat Contact
Adequate Support and Minimal Presence
PRINCIPLES OF THE SUPPORTER ROLE
ONGOING EFFORTS
•
•
•
•
•
Openness to Opportunities
Persisting Through Inevitable Rejection
Avoiding Paralysis
Sacrificing Ones Own Opportunities
Learning—Always—From Experiences in Own
Relationships and Supporting Others in Theirs
• Maintain Consistent and Persistent Effort
CONCLUSION—GETTING STARTED
• Embrace Importance of Friendship &
Belonging
• Know Community Belonging and Freely-Given
Relationships are Possible for Everyone
• Know That Each of Us—No Matter Our
Current Role—Can Take Positive Action
• Live Inclusive Friendship & Belonging in Your
Own Life First—Legitimate Invitation to Others
Contact Information
North Quabbin Citizen Advocacy
PO Box 362, Orange, MA 01364, USA
978-544-7794 [email protected]
The Doodys
94 Michael Lane, Orange, MA 01364, USA
978-575-0152 [email protected]