Arbor Seminare
Shift Happens:
Using Mindfulness and Compassion to Cope with
Disappointment, Difficulty, even Disaster
September 24 2016
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
Who We Are and How We Cope…
Not our Fault…Is our Responsibility
Evolutionary legacy
Genetic templates
Family of origin conditioning
Norms-expectations of culture-society
Who we are and how we cope….…is not our fault.
Given neuroplasticity…and choices of self-directed neuroplasticity
Who we are and how we cope……is our responsibility
- Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Compassion Focused Therapy
Neuroplasticity
 Greatest discovery of modern neuroscience
 Growing new neurons
 Strengthening synaptic connections
 Myelinating pathways – faster processing
 Creating and altering brain structure and circuitry
 Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain
structures
 The brain changes itself - lifelong
The Brain Learns from Experience
 New experiences, little and often
 Incremental changes in brain circuitry
 Lasting changes in behavior
Mechanisms of Brain Change
 Conditioning – what the brain does all the time on
its own
 New Conditioning – new experiences to create
new circuitry
 Re-Conditioning – juxtaposing positive and
negative to rewire old pattern
 De-Conditioning – default network, the brain
plays, generates new insights on its own
Conditioning
 Experience causes neurons to fire
 Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings
 Neurons that fire together wire together
 Strengthen synaptic connections
 Connections stabilize into neural pathways
 Without intervention, is what the brain does
 Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and negative
New Conditioning
 Choose new experiences
 Gratitude practice, listening skills, focusing
attention, self-compassion, self-acceptance
 Create new learning, new memory
 Encode new wiring
 Install new pattern of response, new habits,
new ways of being
Re-conditioning
 Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation
 “Light up” neural networks
 Juxtapose old negative with new positive
 Neurons fall apart, rewire
 New rewires old
De-Conditioning
 Default network – brain “plays,” makes new links,
new associations, connects dots in news ways
 Reverie, daydreams
 Imagination
 Guided visualizations, meditations
 Can drop into worry, rumination
 Can drop into plane of open possibilities
 New insights, new behaviors
Intelligences in the Brain
 Somatic: return to body-based equilibrium
 Emotional: using emotions to shift functioning
of brain; manage emotions, attune-empathize
to self and other
 Relational: connections as resources
 Reflective: mindfulness, monitor and modify
Hand on the Heart
 Touch – oxytocin – hormone of safety and trust
 Deep breathing – parasympathetic
 Breathing ease into heart center
 Brakes on survival responses
 Being loved and cherished
 Oxytocin – direct and immediate antidote to stress
hormone cortisol; repairs damage from cortisol
 Pre-empt stress response
Rewiring through Movement
 Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40
seconds
 Body moves into opposite posture (40
seconds)
 Body returns to first posture (20 seconds)
 Body returns to second posture (20 seconds)
 Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds
 Reflect on experience
Friendly Body Scan
 Kind, friendly awareness
 Scan slowly through entire body
 Hello! Gratitude and well-wishing to every part
 Compassionate acceptance of aches and pains
Physical, psychological
 Awareness of body as a whole
Emotional Intelligence
 Negativity bias – automatic reactivity
 Positive emotions shift functioning of brain
into openness, receptivity, neuroplasticity,
learning
 Direct outcome of positive emotion practice =
resilience
Sharing Kindness
Kindness is more important than wisdom,
And the recognition of that is the beginning of
wisdom.
- Theodore Rubin
Doing a kindness produces the single most
reliable momentary increase in well-being of
any exercise we have tested.
- Martin Seligman
Mindful Self-Compassion
Activate Caregiving System
Awareness of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Acceptance of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
 Two most powerful agents of brain change known to
science; both foster response flexibility
 Activates caregiving system
 Shift from reactivity and contraction to openness,
engagement
Self-Compassion Break
 Notice moment of suffering
 Ouch! This hurts! This is painful.
 Soothing touch (hand on heart, cheek, hug)
* Kindness toward experiencer
 May I be kind to myself in this moment
 May I accept this moment exactly as it is
 May I accept myself exactly as I am in this moment
 May I give myself all the compassion I need to
respond to this moment wisely
Compassionate Friend
 Sit comfortably; hand on heart for loving awareness
 Imagine safe place
 Imagine warm, compassionate figure –
Compassionate Friend
 Sit-walk-talk with compassionate friend
 Discuss difficulties; listen for exactly what you need
to hear from compassionate friend
 Reflect-savor intuitive wisdom
Connections
The moment we cease to hold one another, the sea
engulfs us and the light goes out.
- James Baldwin
Increasing the social connections in our lives is probably
the single easiest way to enhance our well-being.
- Matthew Lieberman, UCLA
Positivity Portfolio
 Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails
expressing appreciation of you
 Assemble phrases on piece of paper
 Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor,
carry in wallet or purse
 Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days
 Savor and appreciate

Barbara Fredrickson - Positivity
Wished for Outcome
 Evoke memory of what did happen
 Imagine new behaviors, new players, new
resolution
 Hold network of new outcome in awareness,
toggle back and forth between positive and
negative, let go of negative
 Notice shift in perspective of experience, of
self
Befriending Yourself by Accepting
the Many Parts of Yourself
 Wiser Self welcomes to the “party”
 characters that embody positive and negative
parts of the self
 with curiosity and acceptance of the message
or gift of each part and
 honors each part of the “inner committee”
Noticing…
 Increasingly complex objects of awareness:
 Sensations as sensations
 Emotions as emotions
 Cascades of emotions as cascades
 Moods, states of being
 Thoughts as thoughts
 Patterns of thoughts as patterns
 Identities, belief systems and identities as
 Self – ever-changing, flow of existence
Soles of the Feet
 Stand up; feel soles of feet on the floor
 Rock back and forth, rock side to side
 Make little circles with your knees
 Lift each foot and place back down
 Notice sensations
 Offer gratitude to your feet that support your
entire body, all day long
Noticing shifts in patterns of response
 Imagine walking down the street
 Notice someone you know walking toward you
 Wave “hello!” There’s no response. Notice
your response to the lack of response
 The person notices you and waves “hello!”
 Notice your response to the response
 Notice any differences in your responses
Written reflection
 Brain operates differently remembering or
imagining, talking, writing
 Journaling effective when
 Focus on recovery and growth
 Place event in timeline of life
 Create a coherent narrative
Coherent Narrative
 This is what happened; these were the consequences.
 These were the resources, practices, tools and coping
strategies I used.
 These are the resources, etc. I would use now if I could
do this over.
 These were the lessons I learned, growth I experienced,
positive meanings I found.
 This is how I re-entered the world and helped others.
 This is what I now appreciate because of the event.
Arbor Seminare
Shift Happens:
Using Mindfulness and Compassion to Cope with
Disappointment, Difficulty, even Disaster
September 24 2016
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net