Good morning everyone!
If you know me (DR) at all, you know I’m a pretty simple guy. I have a
lot of different things that I have some interest in, but I can easily get
either bored or overwhelmed when a bunch of opinions are being
thrown at me. That’s why there is a guy in the Bible that I am so
grateful for, I don’t know much about the guy, in fact, I don’t even
know his name, all I really know about him is a question that he asked
of Jesus. Here is the question: ““Teacher, which is the most important
commandment in the law of Moses?” Matt 22:36 I love this question,
not so much because of who asked it, but because of Jesus answer,
here is what Jesus said, ““‘You must love the LORD your God with all
your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and
greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your
neighbor as yourself.’[f] 40 The entire law and all the demands of the
prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matt 22:37-40
Basically Jesus is saying that everything in the Bible, all the
commands, the whole story of God and our interaction with Him is
based on and driven by love, it is based on a loving relationship
between us and God and us and others.
 Do you wonder what God was up to when he created us? It was
driven by love.
 In the midst of the chaos and confusion of your life today, what is
God up to? He is driven by love for you.
 And for us to live lives that honor Him? It is about loving Him
and loving others.
Simple. Not simple to live out, not simple to commit to, but it is simple
to understand – are the choices I am making today about love? Are
they about doing something for God from a place of love? Am I being
driven by a love for someone else? If I am, then I am following Jesus.
This is critical, foundational piece for us to understand - a Christ
following life is a relational life. And I think most of us would agree
that our relationships are the most important part of our life – our
relationships with our friends, our spouse, our kids, our relationship
with God are more important than what we make, are more important
than what we own – and yet in the day to day of life, these most
important relationships can get lost, or ignored. But I think when we
all slow down a bit, and have a moment of clarity we realize that we
don’t want our most important relationships to take a back seat.
So through this new series that we are starting today, we want to
spend the next few weeks focusing on strengthening these
relationships. Bob Goff, author of the book “Love Does” says that
when it comes to our relationships with God and others that we
should have this as our mission statement: “Be awesome!” In fact he
suggest that you should get a t-shirt with “Be awesome!” printed on it
and wear it as an under shirt to remind you of how you want to show
up in your relationships every single day.
So in this series, we are going to take a page out of Bob Goff’s
playbook and turn to God’s word to help us learn what it means to be
awesome in some of our most critical relationships. We are going to
look at what it means to have Awesome Families, Awesome Friends,
how to Find an Awesome Mate, and how to Build an Awesome
Friendship with God… but before we get to those, today, we are going
to start here, we are going to look at how to have an Awesome
Marriage. Whether you are currently married or if you desire to
married someday, today will equip you with Biblical principles that
can help you grow an Awesome Marriage.
Because let’s face it, marriage isn’t always awesome:
Video (need edits - swearing at :33 , 1:34 innuendo)
Oh man, for those of us that are married that hits close to home
doesn’t it? Were the elbows flying?
The truth is, if you’re married, conflict happens. You didn’t marry a
carbon copy of yourself, you married someone who has a different
personality, comes from a different family and has struggles that are
different than yours. Pastor Rick Warren has this great quote about
marriage, he said ““Marriage doesn’t solve your problems. Marriage
does not create your problems. Marriage reveals problems.” And as
these problems are revealed, conflict is inevitable.
But conflict isn’t bad, in fact, Steve Call a professor of counseling
psychology at the Seattle school of theology said “Conflict in marriage
is not only normal, it is desirable – because any marriage without
conflict cannot be a growing marriage” And I know that some of you
are thinking, “wow! Our marriage is REALLY growing then ”…But
it’s true, for us to grow closer in intimacy and love, there are going to
be times where our views, our upbringings, our prejudices, our sin –
clashes with our spouse.
And research has shown that, on top of the things shown in that video,
there are 4 things that lead to 70% of our conflict: “in-laws, money,
sex, and children” and research also shows that 70% of the time, there
isn’t going to be a resolution to these conflicts. How you parent
versus how your spouse parents , 70% of the time it won’t be that one
is right or one is wrong, it will be just a difference of opinion. And I
know what some of you are thinking, you’re thinking, “That’s weird,
because I am right a 100% of the time”. How do I know that is what
you are thinking? Because that’s what Heather thinks.
And when people hear that 70% of the time there is no
resolution, many times it just reinforces the idea that appeasement is
the answer – that really there is no use in working through our
conflict, so let’s just avoid it at all costs. And while it may feel like a
win that you avoided the conflict, the danger is that in it’s place,
instead of talking through whatever issue you are having, resentment
and bitterness can take root, destroying the closeness and intimacy
that God desires for us.
So how do we deal with conflict in a way that will lead to an awesome
marriage? For the next few minutes I want to take a look at a few
things we can do to have healthy conflict, and I think it starts here:
#1 – When conflict is happening, be spiritually aware of what is going
on in your marriage. This is going to be hard for some of you to grasp,
some of you here today are going to think this sounds like hocus
pocus, mumbo jumbo – but I think this is super critical for us to
understand as we begin to talk about conflict in your marriage.
In John 10:10 Jesus laid it out like this, he said “The thief comes to
steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that you may have life, an
abundant life.” In our attempts to have awesome relationships,
including an awesome marriage, we need to understand that we have
an enemy who is out to steal from us, to destroy us and ultimately
who is trying to kill our relationships.
In the midst of ongoing conflict in our marriages, it can be so easy to
think our enemy is our spouse, but he or she is not the enemy. Paul, in
wrapping up his letter to the church in Ephesus says this: “we are not
fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and
authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark
world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.” Eph 6:12
So many times when our marriage feels like it is being stolen
from, that something is destroying it, killing it – we can think that it is
actually our spouse that is doing this, but Jesus in John 10 and Paul in
Ephesians 6 are clear that there is an outside force that is directly
opposed to you loving your spouse. There is an enemy that wants to
destroy your marriage. There is a darkness that is dead set against
you having an awesome marriage.
And I will tell you, an incredibly important aspect of dealing with
conflict is both of you realizing that you have a common enemy.
With this enemy you and your spouse can join together and fight
him in your marriage. How do you do that? Well let’s go back a few
chapters in Ephesians and see what Paul says, and as I say this, picture
how you treat your spouse: “31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger,
harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.
32 Instead,
be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
You have an enemy, a thief, the evil one, the devil who wants to
destroy your marriage, who wants to bring rage, anger, bitterness,
and harshness into your relationship – and Paul says – get rid of it and
in it’s place show kindness, be tender with each other forgive, just as
you have been forgiven. Join together with your spouse, realize the
true enemy and commit to fighting Him as you fight for each other.
Starting here will go a long way in helping you deal with conflict.
So step one in dealing with conflict is to be aware of what is going on
around you spiritually.
Step #2 in dealing with conflict in a healthy way: Be self aware.
Here’s what I mean: be aware of what you are bringing into the
conflict, be aware of your own brokenness, your own heartache, your
own rage.
You see a lot of our conflict in our marriages can be around what we
bring into the marriage, our own lust or anger.
When it comes to lust, I’m not primarily talking about sexual lust, but
I’m talking about our desires gone mad. Our desires, which are good,
our desires to be close, to be cared for, to be loved, can turn into this
lust which happens when our desire starts to demand, dominate and
control. And if we are honest, we can see where we bring that into
our marriages.
But we also can bring anger, and our anger is basically saying: “I’m
hurt and I will make you pay” and we can make our spouse pay by
being direct and verbal, or passive and withdrawing.
And as I talk about this, it is so easy to see this in our spouse isn’t it?
But here’s the thing about step 2 – the way to having healthy conflict
isn’t about seeing this in your spouse, it’s about understanding what
you are bringing to the marriage that is harmful– it’s about realizing
the pain, the brokenness, the heartache you are bringing to your
relationship.
Author and psychologist, Dan Allender, says “In every conflict, no
matter how obviously wrong my spouse is, I bear the log and my
spouse has the speck” What does he mean? Well he’s referring to a
famous statement that Jesus said, “why worry about the speck in your
friends eye when you have a log in your own?” Matthew 7:3
To handle conflict well in my marriage, I need to realize that I am
bearing the log, I am bringing my anger and my broken desires to this
relationship. To be self aware means I realize that the issue is my
heart, and when it submits itself to the goodness of God and allows
Him to do His work in me, it will totally change the trajectory of any
conflict you have with your spouse.
So, in dealing with conflict,
 be aware of the spiritual war raging around you
 and be aware of the brokenness inside of you that you are
bringing to the relationship
 and finally, I want to encourage you to be relationally aware.
What does that mean?
Harsh vs. Soft Start Up
Dr. John Gottman, the foremost expert on marriage research, has
done a lot of insightful research on what makes relationships work.
One of the things his research discovered is that you will have more
success working through conflict when you use what he calls a “soft
start-up” rather than a “harsh start-up.”
Harsh start-ups often begin with criticism, contempt, and
defensiveness. They begin with statements like, “You always,
You never, Why do you have to be such a jerk?” Most likely each of
us has been on the receiving end of a harsh start-up at some time,
and you probably know that they typically make us feel defensive
rather than open to resolving conflict.
Soft start-ups, on the other hand, tend to keep us open to hearing
the other person and working toward resolution. Soft start-ups
begin with statements like, “This is how I feel about this situation,
This is what I need in this situation…” Sharing your feelings shows
you are taking some ownership in the issue, and not just making it
an attack on the other person. Also, focusing on and sharing what
you need, instead of what you don’t need, is a positive way to
address a situation.
For example at our house there are times when I (Sue) don’t “feel”
like I am getting enough help around the house. If I say, “I need
more help around the house” rather than “ You never help around
the house,” I am more likely to create an opportunity to resolve this
rather than cause my spouse to feel defensive. (obviously each
speaker will need to create their own example)
Gottman goes on to say it’s okay to “complain” about a situation,
but not “blame.” Blaming makes the other person feel defensive or
closes them off. So saying, “This house is a mess and I need
some help,” is ok – it’s an acceptable soft start-up. Saying, “You
are leaving a trail everywhere you go and you never pick up your
things,” is a harsh start-up that is going to make the other person
feel defensive, and you are not going to get the results you want.
Once again, the “research” just confirms what the Bible has already
told us to be true. In Proverbs 15, verse 1, it says this, “ A gentle
answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
When conflict arises choose a soft start-up rather than a harsh one
to avoid a defensive and angry response. Anger will not get us the
results we want.
To be relationally aware, also we need to remember and apply this
truth from James 1, verse 19, “My dear brothers and sisters, take
note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and
slow to become angry.”
The Team Win
Another aspect of being relationally aware is to remember as a
couple, that we are on the same team. When we remember that we
are on the same team, we can work toward a “team win” A team
win means sometimes I “give in” to your way or desire or
sometimes you “give in” to my way or desire and in either case we
still win because we are on the same team.
In our marriage we see this play out in the car a lot. I (Sue) always
know the fastest way to get anywhere.  If we are in a hurry – I
feel very strongly about going “my way”. Often to go for the “team
win” Dave will literally turn the car around and go “my way.”
Sometimes he will even preemptively ask, “What way would you
like to go?” Yay! Score one for the home team! Sometimes
(Dave doesn’t always know this) I know Dave is NOT going the
fastest way, but I let it go and “give in” to his way because our team
still wins …even if it does take us a few minutes longer to get to
where we’re going. 
Remembering that we are on the same team and finding places we
can compromise and give in, or give to – instead of getting stuck on
things being all “my way” will help create a team win.
The Apostle Paul gives us some further instructions on being
relationally aware and working toward a team win in the 2nd chapter
of the book of Philippians. He writes, “…then make my joy
complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in
spirit and of one mind. (same team!) Do nothing out of selfish
ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above
yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the
interests of the others.”
Friendship
And perhaps the most important part of being relationally aware is
remembering that the foundation of any awesome marriage is
friendship!
In his research on marriage – Dr. Gottman suggests that all
marriages need to “make friendship a top priority.” Even if your
relationship is in trouble or crisis, there is great hope in focusing on
the friendship aspect of it. Gottman states, “So whatever the
current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you
support, reinvigorate, or if necessary resuscitate your friendship.”
One idea for reinvigorating the friendship aspect of your marriage is
to focus on what you are grateful for in your marriage.
A lot of research has been done on the impact of gratitude. In a
Harvard Health newsletter they included this finding “…gratitude is
strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.
Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good
experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build
strong relationships.”
Harvard also included this finding, “A study of couples found that
individuals who took time to express gratitude for their partner not
only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more
comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship.”
Notice it didn’t say that gratitude eliminates conflict – but that a
person becomes more comfortable expressing their concerns.
Gratitude makes us more relationally aware!
Once again, recent research has confirmed the importance of what
the Bible has taught us. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is
true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy--think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 (NIV)
Many people keep gratitude journals about general blessings in life.
If you’re married, how might your marriage benefit from you
keeping a gratitude journal about your spouse? Focusing on and
writing down what’s good or praiseworthy instead of what’s missing.
Dr. Gottman’s research validates this idea as well. He has found
that if a couple will spend 5 mins a day sharing admiration and
appreciation it will play a major role in getting their marriage back
on track.
“The more you can imbue (saturate) your relationship with the spirit
of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more
profound and fulfilling your lives together will be.” Dr. John Gottman
Investing in the friendship aspect of your marriage is one of the
best things you can do to create an AWESOME marriage.
Closing
We know in a room this size, couples walked in here with their
marriages in various stages of health. If you are feeling like your
marriage is going really well, you can take it to AWESOME by
remembering the truth shared here today. If you walked in here
feeling hopeless about your marriage – we want you to know that
there is always hope. God is the God of hope and miracles. He
promises to walk with us through challenges and pain. He wants
each couple here to have an awesome marriage.
Let’s take a moment to invite God to help us take our marriages to
awesome. If you are here with your spouse – would you join hands
right now and pray this prayer with me?
“God we invite you to help us create an awesome marriage. Help
us to remember to keep the enemy the enemy, help us to each
become more self aware about what we bring into the marriage
from our own places of pain, fear, and needs, And help us to work
through our conflicts in a relationally aware manner that focuses on
a team win. Thank you for the friendship we share. Help us to
focus on what is good, true, and admirable in each other. With your
help, God we commit to creating an awesome marriage.”
–