Strike Dice! Betting on my Father - Transcript
00:48 Dad
Natalie, it’s dad. This guy’s gonna throw me out of here…I’m in a death panic. I can’t live
any cheaper then I’m living here. I’m doing what I know how to do. How to try to earn a
living. Something’s going to break for me. I can’t go to the street. I need your help. I gotta
pay this guy $270. But I don’t know what the hell to do. I’m in a dead panic. All I gotta do
is scratch in one of these tournaments comin’ up at the Bellagio next week. And it’s clear
sailing for me. I can pay everybody I owe… I just need some kind of help. I cannot got to
the street. I wouldn’t bother you with this if there was any other option, I just don’t know
what to do.
2:22 Dad
Natalie, this is your dad. You never sent me any money. I’m not talking about any big
money. I need a few hundred bucks or something. I need a little help. Thank you very
much. Goodbye.
2:38 Natalie
You seen a Mike Picow around here?
2:41 Hotel person
I know that he was here a couple of years ago…
2:43 Natalie
I’m his daughter actually. I live in New York. I’m sort of trying to find him.
2:49 Hotel person
Tall, thin…glasses beard.
2:54 Natalie
He had a beard? Ok, and
2:59 Hotel person
He was evicted. We wouldn’t let him come back.
3:00 Natalie
Ok. And why was he evicted?
3:04 Hotel person
Oh as a tenant, he wasn’t any problem. He just wouldn’t let us or anybody else clean his
room.
3:11 Natalie
Ok.
1
3:12 Hotel person
That’s the last time I saw him.
3:14 Natalie
Ok. Thank you very much. Take care.
3:44 Natalie
Mike Picow… P, I, C, O, W.
3:51 Hotel person 2
No.
3:52 Natalie
He hasn’t been here for at least the last 6 months. Thank you.
4:08 NATALIE NARRATION V.O.
I like to remember my dad like this: smiling and full of life. His name is Mike Picow.
He and my mom grew up in Columbia South Carolina and dad worked as a salesman.
Dad was always ready to horse around and have fun.
My parents divorced after 10 years together.
Dad then left his life in South Carolina behind and moved to Las Vegas to make it as a
poker player
He was winning sometimes. He even came in 8th place one year in the World Series of
Poker tournament.
I was 6 when he left and my sister Rene was 8
From then on we rarely saw our father. Gambling became his all consuming passion
In spite of dad’s absence I always felt that we were alike in some ways. My dad left for the
fast pace of Las Vegas and I left home for New York City to become an actress.
CLIP:
NAT:
Detective! Are you listening to me
DETECTIVE: You see that kid around again, just give me a buzz
NAT:
Okay
Unlike my family, I had a glamorous image of my father – living the high-life and playing
by his own rules.
2
6:11
Back when I was 16 my dad invited me out to Las Vegas for a week. We spent most of our
time in the casinos where dad knew people who could give us comps so we could get free
meals. He let me play the slot machines and I won $150 dollars. Dad took the money. He
said he wanted it to pay off some debts and if I had any compassion at all I’d give it to him.
I went back to his apt alone while he stayed at the casino to gamble. The refrigerator was
empty except for left over Chinese. There were old newspapers everywhere. He didn’t come
home till late, and except for one brief visit 12 years later, I didn’t see my father again.
7:42 Natalie
You seen a Mike Picow around here? Is Mike Picow…?
Officer
Mike who?
Natalie
Picow, Meyer Picow?
7:51 Officer
We got a Meyer.
Natalie
That’s it
Officer
He stayed here on the 18th. That’s last night. He last stayed here.
7:58 Natalie
Oh! He’s here.
8:17 Dad
How did you have the name of the Las Vegas club?
8:19 Natalie
Someone told me that you might be hanging out there. I figured it was some downtown
joint. Now how do you get money to gamble? What do you do, you go there and just watch
people?
8:32 Dad
I was betting 5-dollar baseball parlay
8:36 Natalie
Well how do you get 5$
8:38 Dad
3
A…A friend of mine…I was on the street, a friend of mine came to town, David Baxter
8:44 Natalie
Yea, and he gave you some money
8:46 Dad
He gave me 100 bucks .
8:47 Natalie
And then you went out and gambled it?
8:49 Dad
I didn’t gamble it in a classic sense. Natalie I was eating a McDonald’s hamburger one
night, sleeping outside. I had to do something to stay there. Betting a 5$ baseball parlay, I
finally hit one. Paid 305$ for 5$. 312.30$.
9:06 Natalie
That’s good.
9:07 Dad
Well I wasn’t going up huckedy buckedy against…
9:09 Natalie
I know, because you were trying to get out of the weather.
9:13 Dad
Going huckedy buckedy against the machines.
9:14 Natalie
What’s huckedy buckedy?
9:15 Dad
I mean just go like you do, when I had plenty of money, like tourists do go stick 20$ in a
Video machine. I didn’t do any of that. I made a baseball parlay. They’re hard to hit. I
finally hit one.
Natalie
Whats a parlay?
Dad
Like three teams going off at the same time. And you bet one to the other to the other to the
other.
Natalie
Okay.
4
Dad
I made a six teamer out of it. Three sides and a total. Three baseball teams and three totals.
And I finally hit one.
9:44 Dad
I had to borrow sixty cents from a guy and I had a dime in case, and would go get spaghetti
down the street for a dollar forty nine. We’d get the spaghetti for a dollar forty nine and
then I’d come back and get ice cream sandwiches out of the coffee shop, I mean out of the
snack bar, out of the gift shop and go upstairs and just watch the basketball. And did the
same thing over for three weeks till we ran out of money. Then we stayed up for ten days at
Vacation Village. Ten days we stayed up.
10:16
It’s just.
Natalie
It’s not ideal of course. It’s upsetting.
Dad
You don’t understand that I will not be able….they don’t just give you that SSI. It’s not just
me you can ask any of the people that know about the Salvation Army. It’s all for them. It’s
all to rip the poor off. I signed my food stamps over to ‘em when I got in that program. I
couldn’t work, I can’t take the regimentation. I just couldn’t do it.
Natalie
What did they make you do? You just have to trust them a little bit.
Dad
To be or not to be, that’s what Julius…
Natalie
Hamlet…
Dad
Hamlet. That’s what Shakespeare was saying, to live or not to live, right? To be or not to
be? I didn’t know it meant that. But….it’s hard to take your own life.
11:08
I read this somewhere. I don’t know if I can quote it as good. “Death….Everyone dies, we
can prolong life but we cannot eradicate death. It’s part of living.” But I left out one
sentence.
I didn’t want you to go through this. I’m so happy to see you but yet I don’t…..aw, shit.
5
NATALIE NARRATION:
I took Dad to see several doctor’s and a social worker, and then to a transitional housing
program. He refused to accept any help.
12:05 Counselor
I’ll talk to a dietician. We can sit down and talk to her together. But the rest is gonna be up
to you. And you know that. And we’ll help you do whatever you need to do.
NAT NARRATION
He refused to accept any help.
12:44 Natalie
Why don’t you let the Salvation Army get you an income coming in?
Dad
Natalie. You know what’s gonna happen to me. I’m gonna die. And and and….
You remember how on the ball I used to be.
Natalie
Yeah.
Dad
I mean I wore golf clothes and stuff but I…
Natalie
You gotta help me help you. And I’d really like to do that.
Dad
You don’t know what I’m talking about.
Dad
Prettiest girl.
14:10 Natalie
You know I guess this is really going to be the story about you know, how I was paralyzed
to stop my father from killing himself. In a passive way. You know. Because, that’s what, it
takes a lot….the thing is, what he doesn’t understand is that it takes a long time to go that
way. Maybe not. You know, maybe he’ll be dead in six months. But it’s like, you know,
you can live for a long time on the streets. And you can live for a long time suffering. Okay
you got it.
6
15:01 Robert Hunter
To have to tell someone that you love or that you want to love “I can’t watch you do this. I
can’t be a part of your demise. If you’re going to do this you’ll do it without me.” That’s a
bitter pill to swallow. Sometimes that’s what saves lives though. The actual recognition that
they’ve hit a wall that’s impenetrable. That there’s no more hustle to run is what it takes to
get them into treatment. I can’t say that’ll happen with your Dad.
NATALIE NARRATION
I don’t know why dad wouldn’t accept my help. He’d had a life at one time. What
happened?
16:335 Sara Picow
There’s no use in rehashing all this old stuff, Natalie. It’s not going to help you any, in any
way. What good is it gonna do to you, but tear you down mentally? We had three maids in
the house. I had a cook. Someone to take care of the kids and I had someone to clean the
house. Our business was big and I was in New York as much as I was at home. I made as
many as ten trips a year to NY.
He was a wonderful little boy. We had the big Bar Mitzvah and he was wonderful as far as
giving his speech and knowing the Hebrew and everything. It was a tremendous party. It
was one of the biggest they ever had in Columbia. Gifts and everything.
His father played cards and he loved to gamble and all that but he new when to quit. He
took care of business first. I think Mike watched him.
18:05 Natalie
Did Dad ever ask you for money?
18:08 Sara Picow
Natalie I don’t think you should go into that.
18:11 Natalie
Why not?
18:13 Sara Picow
I don’t like to talk about it.
Natalie
Why?
Sara
I don’t have to give you a reason why. I’m 86 and I don’t have to answer questions I don’t
want to answer. That’s for sure. Only if you want to talk about the good things.
7
18:45 Linda Ackerman
We were married for ten years. We grew up together. I was always a shy child and he was
always wilder than hell. So I guess it was opposites attract and he did all the things I never
knew people could get away with doing. He was even then a little outrageous. And fun!
Course there’s lots of things I won’t say.
19:14 Natalie
Like?
19:15
Like we cut school. We used to go to school and then he’d say things like “well let’s drive
down to Charleston.” And we’d just take off and go. It was fun. It was exciting. So we
started talking about marriage. And in due time I was pregnant, it was hotter than Hades
and we found this little house off of Trenholm Road.
19:49 Ab Jeffcoat
Your Dad was a pistol. Always funny…Excellent salesperson.
Natalie
Was he?
Ab Jeffcoat
Did a great job with us. He was quick. He was knowledgeable. Mike was a likable person.
Just extremely likeable. Mike could have risen to the top in whatever he wanted to rise in
because he would apply himself, and he was competitive, and he wanted to win.
20:14 Linda Ackerman
He was a never-met-a-stranger type of person. But what should have been paying for the
house and the food and the heat and everything went to gambling. When it would be time
to pay the bills, the checks would bounce.
20:32 David Picow
You wouldn’t leave your purse laying there. You wouldn’t leave your checkbook laying
there. You wouldn’t leave your credit cards laying there. Anything like that. He sold my
childhood home out from under me. Mike goes and forges your mother’s signature and
sells the house and serves me with eviction papers. He made out with 95% of the money.
Mom got nothing.
20:57 Sara Picow
I think he just was…wanted money, that’s all. I don’t know what for.
21:05 Rene Dunlop
So many people have tried to help him that I don’t feel bad that I’m not down on my knees
begging or searching or trying to help. People have tried to help and it hasn’t worked. He
8
hasn’t followed through with anything to try and help himself or to continue the road to any
sort of recovery. So I, I don’t feel guilty about anything.
21:33 Linda Ackerman
Most people have a part of themselves that says “Enough!” He didn’t have that. There was
nothing that said “Stop.” You know he’d say “Well, remember me to the girls.” and I’d tell
him that “you’re gonna have to do that for yourself.”
21:56 Rene Dunlop
He didn’t destroy our childhoods. He just walked out of it.
NATALIE NARRATION
Dad meant different things to everybody. I wasn’t sure what he meant for me. Everyone has
their own idea of him they can hang on to; I’m faced with the reality. I’d had to leave dad
in Las vegas, with plans to go back with more resources. But he’d stopped calling me, and
I had no idea where he was. I was back to square one.
23:11 Natalie
Hey! Oh it’s not you. Have you seen a Mike Picow around here. No?
23:19 Voice OS”
I don’t know a Mike Picow.
23:21 Natalie
No? Alright. He’s around here somewhere. We’ll find him.
NATALIE NARRATION
I got in touch with my dad’s old girlfriend, Ruth. She gave me the few belongings my dad
had saved. They were all reminders of his family, and the life he once had
23:54 Ruth
One day he came in I remember, he stood in my bedroom door and he said “I love what I
am when I’m with you.” And I could tell he’d memorized it. By that time I knew him well
enough that….I know I have no idea how long it had taken him to think it through and get
it written down. “I love what I am when I’m with you. I love what you want me to be.”
He had been leaving the Tropicana and some kid was going too fast and ran a light. Hit
your father’s side of the car and knocked your father through the passenger side. And I
think all these beliefs that he’d been reiterating all this time were suddenly shattered in that
instant. I think it brought him a sense of his own mortality he’d never come to grips with.
Then he decided he was impotent, and I said “how do you know you’re impotent?”
Because we were still having sexual relations at that point. Well, I mean up until he
decided he was impotent we were, obviously. He already was very very thin. Had the long
beard. Wasn’t bathing enough. Wasn’t washing his clothes. That’s when I said “you’re
9
gonna have to find another place to live. If you’re not gonna get help and you seem to
refuse to. You won’t believe what the doctors tell you, you’re just going to have to go
somewhere else.”
25:53 Natalie
What do you want to do Dad? I mean I was thinking of trying to get you into a hospital for
a couple days.
26:00 Dad
You just can’t believe what I went through…
Natalie
You know to walk away from Medicaid and Social Security and an apartment…
Dad
Yeah, yeah..
Natalie
…And all that to live on the street.
Dad
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Natalie
Dad! Dad let ‘em help you, okay? I’m telling you Dad you’re running out of options.
Dad
Oh shit..
Natalie
And I don’t know if that’s what you want. But….
Dad
Natalie….
Natalie
…It sounds like that’s what you want. And that’s what we don’t want.
26:25 Dad
Look what finally came out.
Natalie
Eww! What is that?
Dad
A tooth.
10
Natalie
That’s gross.
Dad
It was loose for a long time.
Natalie
And you carry it around.
Dad
I carry it so they can help identify me when I finally do myself in.
Natalie
Oh God. I’m glad this place is air-conditioned. It’s nice. It’s not a pad-on-the-floor type of
thing anymore?
Dad
No.
Natalie
That’s good. That’s better.
Dad
But I don’t have a permanent place.
Natalie
Yes, but you could. You could Dad. I know. Your teeth are terrible. Do you brush your
teeth?
Dad
No.
Natalie
Why not? See I don’t understand that.
Dad
I used to be so fastidious. I think about you all the time.
Natalie
It doesn’t have to be this way. You know. But if you don’t go to your meetings….if you
don’t talk to the people that can help you. Let’s just at least get you in a more comfortable
situation and let you feel like shit there. But at least you’ll be safer. You know.
Dad
If Grandpa could appear right now….
11
Natalie
Yeah?
Dad
What do you think he’d think of this little girl?
Natalie
I think he’d think I was great!
Dad
Huh? Huh?
Natalie
I think he’d think I was great.
27:43 Dad
You still smoke occasionally?
Natalie
Occasionally.
Dad
How often?
Natalie
Every once in awhile. Why you got one?
Dad
When Meg was alive I took you to that steakhouse downstairs.
Natalie
Yeah now where is that? Steakhouse at Binions and it’s what? A $6.99 special now?
Dad
No. no, no.
Natalie
$3.99?
Dad
Andrew Agassi was right in front of us in that booth.
Natalie
Oh yeah! I remember that. I remember that. Yeah yeah.
12
Dad
And then the other time we went to eat that, that….I’m completely withdrawn from those
people now because I don’t associate. We ate real good downstairs.
28:27 Dad
I slept right here. Right here.
Natalie
Did it ever rain?
Dad
One time. But not very hard.
Natalie
It doesn’t rain that much in…
Dad
Not very hard. But…I mean, you never know.
Natalie
It doesn’t rain that much in Nevada does it?
Dad
This is my toilet paper. No. Those are some of my Handi-Wipes. This was exactly where I
slept. And this was mine. Like a thick comforter.
Natalie
That was yours?
Dad
Yeah.
Natalie
You left it?
Dad
This was mine. It’s fucking disgusting.
Natalie
You’re not here anymore thank God. We don’t want you back here. So let’s go. Come on.
Okay.
29:22 Natalie
So things went down pretty far, huh Dad? Its gotten pretty bad.
13
Dad
Yeah. It’s not going to get any better either with this condition I got.
Natalie
Well, not if you feel that way. And the thing is, is that you gotta try. And it could get better.
29:40 Dad
I see what you’re doing. I’m part of the Great Experiment.
Natalie
What Great Experiment? Give me a cigarette.
Dad
We’ll share it.
Natalie
I don’t want to share it. I don’t like sharing. You don’t have one? I’ll get you more. What
Great Experiment?
Dad
I’m part of the Great Documentary Experience. You must have seen….you ever see the one
the gal did on HBO about her Dad?
Natalie
You’re part of the Great Documentary Experience?!
Dad
Back when I was living at the motel the Down Towner so it had to between ’97….and it
was later than that between 97 and June of 99. When I got thrown out of there for not
letting them clean my room.
Natalie
Why didn’t you let em clean….?
Dad
Because the tub and stuff had gotten all messed up and I had hundreds of washcloths where
I had to take my finger….
Natalie
Oh I don’t want to hear this.
Dad
Oh you don’t want to hear it.
Natalie
Alright go ahead..
14
Dad
I’m part of the great Experience but she doesn’t want to hear it about how her father used
to have to try to defecate.
Natalie
Why didn’t you go to a doctor?
Dad
Give you the general BS (bullshit) and then refer you to the outpatient clinic.
Natalie
Well that’s what they have to do Dad.
Dad
I had the lice real bad. I was just covered with stuff from the lice, from the body lice.
31:08
Back then, I bought toothpaste and flossed.
Natalie
Why don’t you do that now?
Dad
Cause I can’t, I can’t carry that shit around like these people do, toothpaste in one pocket. I
just cannot live like that!
Natalie
Well you don’t have to.
Dad
I was so proud of you. In my own little way. I remember I did things. I told people about
you. I had you meet that agent that time in ’91, that gave you the marijuana cookies.
Natalie
Browns.. Browns..
Dad
With the hairlip
Natalie
Marijuana brownies.
Dad
Yeah. You got it. He had some big stars at one time. He had Farrah Fawcett, had Stacey
Keach.
15
Natalie
Why am I doing this? Why did I decide to do this? You know at the time Dad no one had
heard from you. I mean, you were A.W.O.L.
Dad
Yeah.
Natalie
Okay, I’ll tell you though. I’ll tell you what I did. I decided that I was gonna come out here
and find you and that if I, if somehow if I found you and talked to you that I would be able
to help you and you would be able to accept the help and you’d get better. And that I
would, you know, I was hoping for a happy ending. That was the story I was trying to
make.
Dad
Yeah.
Natalie
And that’s what I’m still trying to make. I’m trying to make this into a happy ending.
33:00 Johnny
How you doing?
Dad
You don’t remember me, Johnny? Mike. Used to work for Billy.
Johnny
Yeah Mike, how are you? What do you look like..what the…..look at you dude!
Dad
I haven’t been around.
Johnny
How you doing Mike?
Dad
All right. So so.
Johnny
Where’ve you been in town?
Dad
Yeah.
Johnny
Well you haven’t been out. What’d you….Do you remember Mike?
16
Chuck
Yeah I remember him?
Dad
Is Helen still living?
Johnny
Yeah, she’s….she’ll never recognize you.
Dad
She’s still living?
Johnny
Yeah she’s still here. She’s still working.
Dad
Is she?
33:35 Dad
Hi Helen? Helen I don’t think we gonna make it me and you. I know I’m not. How’re you
baby?
Helen
Your voice. Let me think.
Dad
I used to work for Billy, remember.
Helen
Billy in the card room?
Chuck
Yeah.
Helen
It’s not Mike Picow?
Chuck
What do you think? There you go.
Helen
Yeah! Long time ago.
Dad
Yeah.
17
Helen
Well how you doing?
Dad
So-so sweetie.
Natalie
Can you give him a wash?
Helen
I was off. I fell. But it wasn’t bad. I healed real quick. Therapy (on hand). I had a hard
time.
Dad
Yeah.
Helen
Where is Ruth now?
Dad
She’s still here.
Chuck
She is?
Johnny
Hey Mike, you looking presentable now?
Natalie
Not yet.
Johnny
You’re looking like your old self again, for God’s sake. Look at you. You came in you
looked like Howard Hughes.
Chuck
I didn’t recognize him.
Johnny
I didn’t recognize him. I mean, I could see once he said who he was. I could see underneath
all that hair and stuff.
34:52 Dad
To be or not to be. That is the question. I look like an old cocker (altecacker in Yiddish).
18
Chuck
How do you like the back there Mike?
35:37 Dad
Strike Dice!!
Natalie
What does that mean?
36:15 Natalie
Tomorrow’s gonna be my last day. So we’ll hang out for a couple hours. Then I’ll bring
you back. Say goodbye. Okay?
Dad
I have to sit in there listening about Jesus.
Natalie
Nice Jewish boy like you?
Dad
in Hebrew: “Baruch atah adonai” Is he Jewish?
Natalie
Yeah.
Dad
“Eloheinu melech ha’olam” Natalie…Natanya Baruchas…Natanya Baruchas. That’s her
Jewish name. I have to listen about Jesus in there. Everytime they say “Jesus” I say
“Bingo.”
Natalie
That’s funny.
Dad
What about….didn’t you kids do this? Jesus loves me, yes I know, Rabbi Gruber told me
so.
Natalie
No.
Dad
You don’t remember Rabbi Gruber?
Natalie.
No. I do remember him.
19
Dad
Yeah?
Natalie
He was really old.
Dad
He was really old.
NATALIE NARRATION
Finally it looked like we were on the right track. Dad even let me take him to a compulsive
gambler’s support group. But just when I thought everything was going to be all right…
37:26
I’ve never…I’ve never had a compulsive gambling problem. I don’t have any means to do
anything so I have to do a little light gambling to try to survive. But I don’t have a job. I’m
not capable of working.
Natalie
So you gambled 21 dollars today, huh?
Dad
Yeah.
Natalie
But you didn’t have enough to buy yourself some food?
Dad
I wasn’t gambling high at all. I wasn’t I don’t have much money. I wasn’t gambling high. I
was betting real small and I tried to hit a “TRI” and I would have hit it……I’ll be long
gone. You’ll get a call from the coroner.
Natalie
All right fine. I just don’t want to talk about this, do you mind? It’s really depressing and
morbid. Maybe this accident rankled you so much that it caused something loose to go in
your brain a little bit and you need some drug therapy for your psyche.
Dad
I’ll tell you something baby. When I’m gone, I guess you’ll just say “well I went there and
I did everything I could to help him.”
Natalie
Don’t guilt me Dad! You had 21 dollars in your pocket that you gambled with today. You
couldn’t get a toothbrush and toothpaste? I’m sorry but….
20
Dad
I don’t have anywhere to keep that stuff…
Natalie
That’s not true.
Dad
I have no place to live.
Natalie
All right well you had a place to live and you weren’t doing it so explain that to me.
Dad
I did brush my teeth when I stayed at the Downtowner Motel. I did brush my teeth.
Natalie
All right. You just didn’t take a shower.
Dad
Right.
Natalie
Alright. Well, now you’re taking a shower now you just need to brush your teeth. You get,
you see Dad you got two….you got one thing going but not the other. Now you need to get
both things going, all right? You just, you have to take care of yourself!
Dad
I’m not one of your suitors.
Natalie
Suitors? What the fuck are you talking about? You’re my father!! You gotta go. We’ll see
you tomorrow. We’ll see you tomorrow! You better go before it’s too late. Is this yours?
Dad
It’s not too late. We got ten minutes.
Natalie
Okay.
39:42 Natalie
All right, can we just have a truce? Gimme a cigarette. I’m glad you came to that meeting
with me tonight. I’m glad you met that guy. He’s a nice guy. Helps a lot of people.
Dad
But sweetheart….
21
Natalie
Maybe he can help you. Maybe. It’s worth a shot.
Dad
Will you listen a second?!
Natalie
I’m right here.
Dad
Help me with what?
Natalie
I don’t know. You know. He’s got services. They do shit.
Dad
I know but I’m not a victim of that. I’m a victim of a bowel that won’t work right. Of a
colon. Of spitting after …
Natalie
How do you know this when the doctors say that’s not the case. You have, you know, you
definitely have some physical problems, but that doesn’t keep you on the street. Okay? So
let’s get one thing straight.
Dad
I guess everybody’s gonna be better off when I’m, I’m…
Natalie
Yeah, I guess so.
Dad
…when I’m gone.
Natalie
Yeah I guess so. Probably
41:01 Dad
I don’t think you should ever marry.
Natalie
Thanks Dad. I’ll go with your blessing. Probably, Probably…why should I never marry?
Dad
Because you think I am…What am I conning you out of?
22
Natalie
Why should I never marry?
Dad
You bought me a few meals and…
Natalie
Why should I never marry because you want to say something to hurt me?
Dad
No. No! Listen, remember when I called you and said “Listen Natalie it’s just as easy to
marry…” when I was sane and healthy “….it’s just as easy to marry a rich guy?” Cause I
know you have a talent and you’re pretty and you have a lot to offer.
Natalie
Watch it.
Dad
I wasn’t like those people with the machines and stuff like that. What, who, what am I
conning somebody out of? My own flesh and blood, what am I conning…..
Natalie
Would you get back?
Dad
What am I conning you out of?
Natalie
I didn’t say you were conning me out of….I just don’t believe it. I just don’t believe…you
know this just doesn’t make any sense, and neither does anyone else, and I’m the last one.
You’ve used me up.
Dad
Who…when you refer to anyone else who are you talking about?
Natalie
Everyone. Everyone that’s been in your life is no longer here and why do you think that is?
Because they can’t tolerate it. They can’t put up with it. You see anyone around here? It’s
Just me.
Dad
You make me feel bad because I’m trying to explain what my physical is.
23
Natalie
No. Yes, because I don’t believe you, that that is the problem. Yes it is a problem, but it
doesn’t cause this! It doesn’t cause you to be on the street.
Dad
What causes me to be on the street?
Natalie
It’s your depression. It’s your head. All right?
Dad
The fact that you think that I can pull myself up by my bootstraps…
Natalie
Well we can help you. Okay? And that’s what we’re here to do.
Alright Dad
43:23 Dad
You kiss me. Okay.
Natalie
Try to sleep well, okay.
Dad
Yeah.
Natalie
Well. It’s a nice thing to say.
Dad
Take a shower then I gotta make the bed.
Natalie
Well that’s a good thing. Before you didn’t have to.
43:51 Kevin Donovan
It’s like it’s all in the turn-on, in a sense. It really is. I mean just reading that racing form
and then being prepared. You go down there and you really do get kind of pumped up
when that first race comes around. My goodness! You gotta make it where it means
something. Just as you and I, if we bet a dollar a game that’s just play, in a sense, you
know it’s nothing. You have to make it an amount where, you know, you’re shaking a little
bit. When you start to win a little you don’t think you’re gonna lose. I mean that’s the way
it is, you know. And then when you start losing you say “where am I gonna find a winning
bet?” And then it starts to snowball and snowball.
24
44:31 Robert Hunter
I’ve had women go into labor in front of machines. I’ve had people have…there’s a patient
in our current therapy group tonight who has been treated by emergency medical
technicians three separate times just prior to coming into therapy, literally keeled over in
front of a slot machine and when they revived him….in once case literally resuscitated him,
brought him back from death, he signed the waivers but wouldn’t leave. He continued to
stay in the casino. What’s driving late stage gambling is “if I could just get
another…blank…dollars” and it doesn’t matter if that’s ten dollars or ten thousand dollars.
This is not a disease of money by the way. The number of zeros at the end is absolutely
immaterial. The ten dollar stories are identical to the million dollar stories, essentially.
45:18 Kevin Donovan
It’s your high, you know, it’s your turn on in a sense. So it is an attachment, I guess for
people who do drugs or whatever…I don’t know. I mean, it’s the same kind of thing. It’s a
rush or something, you know?
NATALIE NARRATION
Now I understand. Dad had bet all of his chips on being a player, a winner. But he kept
loosing. And after his car accident, he just gave up on himself.
I was back home in New York when I got a phone call from my father
Dad had gotten himself in a better situation. He was now living week to week in a casino
hotel. A fellow gambler had won complementary room vouchers, and was giving them
away.
46:09 Dad
….the buffet is good for any night and on Friday night they’ve got the seafood night. And I
like the seafood…..this is the way the prices work here….they give you these cards…..
46:30 Dad
If I could just hit, like this five dollar card I put in, on this teaser card….if I could just hit
one of those one weekend, for fifteen hundred or a ten dollar card for three thousand, I will
make it playing poker.
Natalie
Dad. Did you ever think about, like getting a job.
Dad
Sweetheart let me tell you something….
Natalie
I mean you spend a lot of time doing this thing that you’re doing…
Dad
I know but let me explain something to you.
25
Natalie
You could spend some of that time working somewhere and getting a paycheck.
Dad
You don’t understand.
Natalie
No I don’t.
Dad
All I need is to get on some type of streak where, if I get enough bankroll that’s where my
“earn” is. My “earn” is playing poker. I need to try to win. I’ve got to win.
Natalie
What kind of advice would you give to young girls whose fathers left them? And they
missed them?
Dad
I don’t know what to say?
Natalie
You don’t have anything to say?
Dad
Well I don’t know exactly what you’re referring to. Boy it’s getting hot in here.
Natalie
You know, you divorced my mom, Dad, but in a sense it’s like you divorced me and my
sister. You stopped being a Dad.
Dad
Well it’s rather difficult to be a father.
Natalie
Where were you when I graduated from high school?
Dad
I don’t know. I was there when your sister graduated from high school.
Natalie
Where were you when I graduated from college?
26
Dad
You’re reading from this little script and it’s all wonderful and everything but you see, you
cannot be physically there when you’re three thousand miles away. I had Jerry Buss call
you. The owner of the Lakers!
Natalie
Dad. Dad….
Dad
How many people….
Natalie
I’m talking about the significant events in my life Dad. Where were you?
Dad
I didn’t know a goddamned thing about them.
Natalie
Why not? You’re the Dad.
Dad
What the fuck is it with you?
Natalie
I want to know why you weren’t there.
Dad
I can’t do anything about it.
Natalie
Dad in a sense, you know what? It’s like, it’s almost like you gambled with my life and my
sister’s life. And you know what? It wasn’t yours to gamble with.
Dad
Maybe I didn’t live up to your expectations of being a father, but yet I always cared about
you. You know that a February 6th never went by without me knowing…I always used to
comment about my daughter and Ronald Reagan having the same birthday. And you
should understand that because I didn’t, that I wasn’t demonstrative enough, that you were
never out of my heart. Never!
Natalie
We didn’t know that.
27
Dad
Jesus Christ, never! You know you should put this in your heart, that I missed having you. I
just didn’t act like I should have.
If I could do it, I probably would have tried to change and stay with your mother and raise
you two.
Natalie
So what do you want your epitaph to say?
Dad
What should it say?
Natalie
I don’t know.
Dad
Strike Dice!
Natalie
What does that mean? What does Strike Dice mean?
Dad
Oh, it’s just an expression…let me win this hand. Let me catch that card I need or
something. Just like, gee whiz let’s be lucky for this moment or something, you know.
Natalie
You want to be buried at Hebrew Benevolent.
Dad
That would be nice.
Natalie
And you want your epitaph to say “Strike Dice!”
50:08 Dad
He tried….whatever you think…
Natalie
He tried and he lost. You know what, you could say that on everyone’s.
Dad
You don’t get out of this world alive anyway.
Natalie
No you don’t do you?
28
50:33 Dad
We’re out.
Natalie
We’re out?
Dad
Strike Dice!
50:48 Dad
You can make a royal. You can catch a pair. You can make two pair. You can make a full
house. You can make a straight flush.
NATALIE NARRATION
Back home in New York, I felt hopeful again. I even wound up meeting great guy. And I
got married.
52:15 Dad
Natalie it’s Daddy. Oh boy, I just wish the cards would break even for like one day around
here or two days. I could get on my feet. I got real close to the money and got drawn out
on. Awww, it was so frustrating. Anyway I was just checking. I saw the weather and I was
thinking about you so, let me know something. Talk to you later sweetheart. Love you. Bye
bye.
52:48 Natalie
Hey Dad it’s Natalie. I’m just calling to say hello. I got your message. Sorry you didn’t
win. And good luck. Better luck next time and thanks for calling. Happy Hanukkah Dad.
Okay? I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
53:08 Dad
Hi Natalie it’s Dad. It’s the night before Christmas Eve and I thought I’d call and say hello.
Have a Merry Merry Christmas, talk to you later. Get back in touch with me tomorrow.
NATALIE NARRATION
Dad eventually left Las Vegas, and moved to Dallas, Texas. He’s now collecting Social
Security benefits.
53:35 Dad
Hi Natalie, this is your Dad. I moved into my new apartment. I’m delighted. The grounds
are lovely, the place is lovely. $209 a month, all bills paid, I’m right behind the Jewish
Home for the Aged. I’m going to volunteer a day a week over there. It’s really lovely….
I couldn’t be happier. It is so nice. I mean, it is really a nice place. So, I stepped in a barrel
of shit and came out wearing a brown suit. All my housing needs are taken care of now.
29
Anyway, give me a call. I want to talk to you about it. Bye.
NATALIE NARRATION
Dad still gambles, mostly on the internet.
END TEXT: Sometimes I bail him out.
30