USE TIME OUTS TO HELP YOUNG CHILDREN
MANAGE THEIR BEHAVIOR
by Dean Garrison, M.S.
Many parents use time outs as part of their behavior management strategy with young
children. Time outs help many children who get “caught up” in their defiant behavior or
upset feelings by giving them time to calm down, think about what they are doing and get
control of their behavior. Time outs are preferred over physical punishment, which does
not seem to help children think and often leads to other problems.
Benefits of Using Time outs
Time outs are a proven, effective and appropriate consequence for many
misbehaviors. Time outs have several benefits: they remove children temporarily from a
difficult situation; they provide children an opportunity to think about the situation and
their behavior; they provide children an opportunity to calm down and get control of
themselves; they avoid the disadvantages and risks of hitting or spanking children;
parents can administer time outs in a calm and respectful manner; and they can be used
almost anywhere, even in a supermarket!
Time outs are a preferable alternative to spanking your children. Spanking is popular
as a disciplinary strategy among many parents who believe that if you “spare the rod, you
spoil the child.” But research has revealed that children who are spanked tend to be more
aggressive, particularly with peers, and also learn that hitting is an appropriate way to
deal with feelings of anger and frustration. These are not outcomes most parents desire.
There is also the risk of physical punishment becoming abusive. The good news is that
time outs have proven to be more effective than spanking as a form of discipline for
young children while avoiding the negative consequences of physical punishment.
The right attitude is important. Many parents use time outs as punishments for
misbehavior and have a punishing attitude when they administer the time out. But
research shows an angry or punitive parental attitude does not seem necessary or even
helpful in achieving the desired results when using time outs. The experience of the time
out itself is really all the children need.
Although time outs are used as a consequence for misbehavior, their value goes far
beyond punishing the child. Specifically, time outs are used to help children improve
their behavior: they help children get control of themselves and they provide children
time to think about their behavior. Parents typically find they will have much better
outcomes when they have a helpful, rather than punitive, attitude when administering
time outs.
Dean Garrison, M.S. www.hasslefreeparenting.net
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Appropriate and inappropriate ages. Time outs are most appropriate for children from
infancy through elementary school age. Time outs should usually be replaced with the
loss of other privileges and freedoms for middle school and high school children, who
tend to be too old to be given time outs and too old to benefit from them.
Steps to Implementing a Time Out Program
1.
Review the program with your children
a. Discuss the use of time outs.
Important points to make:
1) It is normal for children to make mistakes and receiving time outs is not a sign that
children are bad or that something is wrong;
2) Receiving time outs is a normal part of being a kid and growing up;
3) You will be using time outs not to punish your children, but as a way to help them
think through their problems, gain control of themselves, make better decisions, and
avoid getting into bigger trouble;
4) Parents may administer time outs, and children can also time themselves out if they
feel they need one.
b. Explain the types of misbehavior that will result in time outs.
This may include: hitting, name-calling, arguing, refusing to cooperate, poor table
manners, throwing temper tantrums.
c. Designate an appropriate time out area.
The most effective place for time outs is having children sit or stand facing a boring
corner or wall, usually somewhere in the living room or kitchen. Many parents send their
kids to their bedrooms for a time out. But children’s bedrooms are usually not an
effective place for a time out. Once children have been sent to their rooms, they usually
become distracted by all their belongings, toys and other items. Once children become
distracted with fun activities, they no longer take time to think about why the behavior
that led to the time out. Thus, when children are sent to their bedrooms for a time out, the
benefit of creating a situation where children will reflect on their behavior is lost. That is
why having children take a time out in a boring corner is typically more desirable than
sending children to their rooms.
But it is important to appreciate that children do not need to spend a long time in a boring
corner for a time out to achieve its purposes. Five minutes spent thinking in a boring
corner is often more effective than an hour spent in a bedroom full of distracting
activities. So a time out in a boring corner can, and should, end much sooner than the
time parents usually require children to stay in their rooms. That’s good news for
everyone.
Dean Garrison, M.S. www.hasslefreeparenting.net
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d. Review and rehearse proper time out behavior.
Most children know how to do a proper time out even if they have never demonstrated
this ability at home. Therefore, it is often helpful to ask your child if he or she can show
you how to do a proper time out.
Have your child explain what behaviors are required to do a time out properly (in other
words, the time out "rules"). Go over the "Time Out Rules" found on the following
pages. Make sure it is clear to your child exactly what behaviors you expect while he or
she is in time out. Next, have your child demonstrate appropriate time out behavior by
asking him or her to show you how to do an excellent time out. Give your child feedback
on how well he or she did during the demonstration. Compliment and praise your child
for demonstrating appropriate time out behavior, reaffirming this is the behavior you
expect whenever your child receives a time out.
e. Make sure to explain the "Time Out Routine" (found on the following pages), so
your child will know how the time out program works.
f. For pre-school children, it can be helpful to establish a "star" or sticker chart for
good time outs.
Young children often develop a more positive attitude and interest in taking good time
outs when parents reinforce responsible time out behavior. Create a chart on which your
child will put a sticker each time he or she does a good time out. Make this a ritual
immediately after each good time out. Thanking and praising your child after each time
out done properly will also help them have a positive attitude about taking time outs as
well as foster a more positive relationship between you and your child when it comes to
time outs.
2.
Administering a timeout
a. Whenever possible, provide your children with a warning or choice before administering a time out.
Avoid saying: "Do you want a time out?" when your child is misbehaving. Instead say:
"You have a choice, you can either cooperate beginning right now (or by the time I count
to 3) or you will need to take a time out." If your child becomes cooperative, the time out
will not be necessary. If your child continues misbehaving, follow through immediately
with the time out by simply saying: "You will need to take your time out now."
b. Use a timer. It is important that the time out period last no longer than it is intended to
last. The best way to ensure a time out ends on time is to use a timer that is set for the
number of appropriate minutes. Many parents use the timer on the microwave for time
outs. However, inexpensive egg timers are also a good option. It is often helpful to place
the timer in the time out area for easy access when a child is given a time out. It is also
helps reduce children’s anxiety and impatience if they are able to see the minutes clicking
down on the timer as their time out proceeds.
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c. If children argue or procrastinate about beginning their time outs, tell them they
have until the count of "3" to become cooperative and begin their time out, or their
time out period will be extended. Immediately begin counting to 3, ignoring any
attempts your child may make to argue with you.
Resist the urge to slow down the count for a child choosing to take his sweet time
beginning his or her time out. (Slowing down the count does not hold children
accountable for following the time out rules and only encourages irresponsible behavior.)
Your child should be expected to have begun his time out by the count of three, not be on
his way there.
If your child has not begun his or her time out and sitting quietly by the count of three,
immediately inform your child that his or her time out has been extended an extra five
minutes. (It is important that parents are consistent and firm with holding their kids
accountable for being time outs cooperatively and on time by following through
immediately with extending the time out period if they choose not to be cooperative.
Otherwise, problems with uncooperative behavior will continue.) Inform your child that
any arguing about having the time out extended will result in further consequences.
d. Parents are discouraged from trying to physically force school-age children to do
a time out if they refuse to do so, as this usually creates bigger problems.
Instead of forcing an uncooperative child to take a time out, warn your child that they will
lose valued privileges if they do not cooperate. These privileges may include such things
as possession of an important toy, watching t.v., playing games on the computer, story
time, etc.).
If your child persists in being unwilling to take a time out, you should cease demanding
your child take a time out and instead calmly follow through with the consequences you
have designated for being uncooperative. Your child will now have a chance to learn
from the new consequence.
Exceptions for children of pre-school ages:
It is often preferable for parents to continue insisting for as long as it takes to get their
pre-school children insistence to do a time out rather than imposing other consequences
instead. This is because developmentally the brains of most children of pre-school ages
are not yet at the stage where the children can associate consequences they receive later
with misbehavior that happened earlier. This ability improves as children reach school
age.
It is important that parents teach their young children that the expectation to take time
outs is not optional. Sticking with your expectation they complete a time out, no matter
how long it takes, is often essential to teach pre-school children the importance of taking
time outs and respecting their parents.
Getting your oppositional young child to take a time out may require you to physically
intervene to get your child to begin the time out. However, such physical intervention
should not involve hitting or spanking, nor using physical force that your child
experiences as aggressive, intimidating, threatening or hurtful. This means you should be
firm but calm when physically intervening to get your young child to complete a time out,
Dean Garrison, M.S. www.hasslefreeparenting.net
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which may involve physically returning your child to the time out area and holding your
child there until he or she is ready to do a time out properly.
Pre-school children typically learn to take time outs cooperatively within a short period of
time when parents are consistent with insisting they do so. Again, once children arrive at
school age, taking away important privileges for being uncooperative with time outs
should replace physical efforts to get them to do a time out properly.
e. If your child begins moving around excessively, testing limits, becoming
disruptive or talking during the time out, immediately extend the time out period
(but no more than five additional minutes maximum).
Parents often begin reminding their children to do the time out correctly or warning them
that the time out will be extended if they do not begin doing their time out properly. But
this can easily get into a repetitive cycle and not lead to behaving responsibly when in
time out. The best way to motivate children to do a time out properly is not by constantly
reminding them to do so. Rather, it is to hold children accountable for their misbehavior
by immediately extending the time out period an additional five minutes and informing
them that the time out period will be extended again (or they will receive other
consequences) if they choose not to cooperate immediately. Being held accountable with
consequences often motivates children to behave cooperatively much better than nagging,
reasoning or reminding.
f. Use time outs when away from home with your children.
Many parents have felt at a major disadvantage dealing effectively with their children’s
acting out behavior when they are away from home. But there is no reason you cannot
give misbehaving young children a time out almost anywhere. The time out method is
highly portable, which enables parents to manage their young children’s acting-out
behavior and emotional needs almost anywhere they may find themselves with their
children.
Parents can designate areas of grocery stores, shopping malls, waiting rooms, parks and
homes of friends or relatives for their kids for times out if the need arises. Many parents
have had no hesitation with even using an out-of-the-way area in the produce section of
the supermarket to administer a time out for a child acting out during a shopping trip.
4.
When the time out is over
Your child has completed his or her time out when they have behaved appropriately
during the entire time out period.
It may be helpful to clarify what behavior or activity is expected of your child when the
time out has been completed satisfactorily. Would it be appropriate for your child to make
an apology to a sibling, or to begin or finish an expected task? Ask your child if he or she
is ready to be cooperative and do what is expected when the time out is completed.
Compliment your child for managing their behavior and making good decisions during
the time out.
Dean Garrison, M.S. www.hasslefreeparenting.net
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5.
Parents should model time out behavior.
Parents can help children learn the value of giving themselves a time out when stressed or
overwhelmed by parents doing so themselves when they feel stressed, angry or upset.
Dean Garrison, M.S. www.hasslefreeparenting.net
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TIME OUT ROUTINE
1.
Kids are expected to cooperate with time outs. Your child is to quietly and
cooperatively go to the time out area and begin his or her time out. (The recommended
rule of thumb for the length of a time out is one minute for each year of age up to five
minutes maximum).
2.
The time out begins when cooperation begins. The time out does not begin until your
child is showing appropriate time-out behavior (as defined below).
3.
Set a timer. The time out should last exactly five minutes and no longer (less for
preschool-age children). It is important to set a timer when your child has properly begun
the time out.
4.
Uncooperative behavior will extend the time out. Your child is expected to
demonstrate the appropriate time out behaviors for the entire time out period. If your
child begins talking, asking questions, making noises, moving around, kicking or other
uncooperative behavior, the time out period would be extended an additional five
minutes. This is not to punish your child, but to provide your child with the additional
time needed to gain self-control and to learn the importance of taking your limits
seriously.
5.
Time outs should be extended no more than once, for a maximum of 10 minutes.
Continued lack of cooperation during a time out would result in other consequences
(except with pre-school aged children). There is little benefit to continue to extend the
time out period if the child does not show a readiness to cooperate after one extension. If
your child is uncooperative during the extension of a time out period, the time out should
be discontinued immediately and other consequences be administered instead, such as the
loss of valued privileges for a specific period of time. However, with pre-school children
it is typically recommended to stick with the time out for as long as it takes.
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TIME OUT RULES
1.
Sit quietly.
Feet and hands quiet.
Hands in your lap.
Feet flat on the floor.
2.
Body still.
Head and body facing straight ahead.
3.
Lips are zipped.
Absolutely no talking, questions, comments, noises.
Optional (depending on the needs, age and capacities of the child to sit
quietly):
During your time out, you may draw or write about your thoughts or
feelings about the problem or what you could have done differently.
Note: It can be helpful to post the Time Out Rules in the area your
children will typically take time outs.
Dean Garrison, M.S. www.hasslefreeparenting.net
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