Sibling Rivalry
BEST FRIENDS AND WORST ENEMIES
BERNIE LES, PH.D.
PSYCHOLOGIST
248-310-2346
[email protected]
Overview of Program
 Conditions that foster rivalry
 Sidebar on Aggression
 Strategies used to prevent rivalry
 Strategies used to address rivalry when it happens
Conditions that Foster Rivalry
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Limited resources
Preferential treatment and promotion
Zero-sum philosophy
Family scapegoating
Bully Atmosphere
Limited Resources
 Attention and Approval are valuable commodities
 Children’s jobs are to obtain these
 Vulnerable infants = need for protection and
resources
 Attention is paid to one over the other
Preferential Treatment and Promotion
 Preferential Treatment
 Family Heroes get it!
Achiever
 Good at reading adults
 Good at making adults feel efficacious

Promotion


Children achieve a status that is not warranted by their age
These children become “Parental”
In charge of fairness
 Righteous anger


Promotion feels good for the promoted but it’s a set up
Failure at the role
 Resentment by other siblings

Zero-Sum Philosophy
 There is a right and wrong party
 The more one is right, the more the other is wrong
 Sets up competition subliminally
Family Scapegoating
 A family member is selected to diffuse the tension in
the marital conflict
 Conflict between eldest and parent is acted out
through the eldest and younger sibling
Bully Atmosphere
 Winning = Value
 Triumph is celebrated
 Focus on outcomes is apparent
 Power through coercion
 Passivity is weakness, not a strategy for conflict
resolution
 Power struggles are abundant
Aggression
 Secondary to…
 Humiliation
 Embarrassment
 Depression
Aggression
 Comes From…
 Unclear boundaries
 Lack of fairness
 Fear
 Someone’s getting away with it!!!
 Instrumental Aggression
 Vying for limited resources
Prevention
 Limited Resources
 Preferential Treatment and Promotion
 Zero-sum Philosophy
 Scapegoating
 Bullying atmosphere
Prevention (Limited Resources)
 Follow law of abundance
 Love with discipline
 Not what you think!!!
 How much do you love your children?
Prevention (Preferential Treatment)
 Assign a different reputation to each child
 Understand why this child is easier for you
 Makes you laugh
 Doesn’t challenge you
 Makes you feel powerful
 Makes you feel effective
Prevention (Zero-sum Philosophy)
 Differences don’t equal deficits
 Develop a win-win attitude
 Value different perspectives
 4 blind men describing an elephant
 Model this in your communication within the
parental unit

They’re listening!!
Prevention (Scapegoating)
 Increase healthy conflict resolution in the family
 Change target’s reputation for a day, a week.
Prevention (Bullying Atmosphere)
 Show the other sibling(s) that he should be valued
 Don’t be passive about bullying
 Be careful not to facilitate bullying unconsciously
through voice tone, laughing, etc.
 Reinforce incompatible behaviors (collaborative
behaviors)
 Use in-group and out-group dynamics
When it’s happening, you should…
 Stop the momentum
 Stay calm
 Listen to each child separately
Listening
 For feelings
 Don’t argue the logic that brought the child to the
conclusion
 Just connect the conclusion and the feeling
 Don’t feel like you have to agree

You Probably wont!!
Conclusion
 Addressing Sibling Rivalry is mostly PREVENTION