Matthew 18.15-24
How Best to Unpack
unpacking FORGIVEness #4
[ 13 July 2017 8:56 PM ]
 08.09.2015 – First UMC St. Cloud
(NIV) Matthew 18.15-24 – 15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their
fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter
may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’17 If they still
refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church,
treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
18 “Truly
I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and
whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
19 “Again,
truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they
ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three
gather in my name, there am I with them.”
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Introduction: Gotta Go to the Instructions
1. We are continuing with our seven week series Unpacking
Forgiveness. I want us to review where we have been each week
so that you and I can connect each message to an overall
understanding of forgiveness.
a. We began by acknowledging that to begin unpacking
forgiveness we need to "yoke" or connect our lives with Jesus in
ways that allow us to learn day by day how God wants us to
live.
b. Then, we said that unpacking forgiveness is defined by God's forgiveness
made possible through the death of Jesus on the cross and is the place
you and I will begin to learn from Jesus to forgive.
c. Last week, we reflected on what Jesus says about the urgency in
unpacking forgiveness.
d. This morning, we are in Matthew 18.15-24 looking at the instructions Jesus
gives us on how best to unpack forgiveness.
2. My son grew up with Lego's. Not the simple Lego's objects I had as a child,
like my little helicopter, but large, intricate and complicated machines.
(SHOW CALEB's GUN SHIP.) These amazing creations, though, start of as a pile
of Lego pieces (SHOW PILE OF LEGO PIECES.) that boggles your mind. It
actually looks like a huge mess and challenges your patience. Yet, these piles
of pieces, that look nothing like the picture on the box, also come with
directions that take you step by step through the building process. To have
the best chance for success, you gotta go to the instructions. Two things to
keep in mind if you ever find yourself in front of such a pile:
a. Even halfway through the building process, you might still wonder how all
those pieces are ever going to come together to look like the picture. But,
you have to trust that they do. (Unlike many marketing pictures, what you
get looks just like the cover of the box!)
b. Then, you gotta go to the instructions, following the directs rather carefully
or you end up with some strange looking structures that will be very
disappointing to the kid who trusted you to bring something wonderful out
of this mess.
3. How best to unpack forgiveness can be like building a Lego project. Like
building a Lego project, forgiving someone for the wrong or sin they have
committed against you can look like a huge mess. Like building a Lego
project, Jesus has given us guidelines for offering forgiveness and seeking
reconciliation. Like building a Lego project, you and I gotta go to the
instructions, follow his directions if we are to have any chance of success in
forgiving. Like building a Lego project, even if we are following the directions
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there will be times when we cannot see how this will work out to something
even close to resembling forgiving someone.
a. Unlike building a Lego project, though, there are no guarantees that our
following the directions of Jesus will lead to reconciliation. Yet we hear in
Matthew 18.21-22 − 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how
many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to
seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventyseven times.
4. Last week we were upfront that there are people and situation where the
ideal of forgiveness will likely never be fully reached. For most of us, though,
life if full of people and situations that are simply part of relationships where,
intentionally and unintentionally (and every place in-between), we hurt each
other and sin against each other. In most instances, even very tough and
messy instances, these are wrongs and sins that can be forgiven and
relationships that can be reconciled.
The “Big Idea” – How best to unpack forgiving someone is to go directly to that
person.
A. You Gotta Go
In our text from Matthew 18.15-24, Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is about
relationship and reconciliation between real people so to offer the gift of
forgiveness, "You gotta go!"
1. Our text from Matthew 18.15-24, again this week, is a part of the instructions
Jesus gives to his followers concerning the kind of relationships that will
characterize their life together. This community, the church, is to be a witness
in words and deeds to the presence of God's Kingdom or God's Rule in the
world.
2. Jesus tells them, Matthew 18.15 – 15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point
out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won
them over. "Brother or sister" harks back to when Jesus claimed that those
who love and obey him are his brothers and sisters, pointing to the close
relationship these verses assume exists between believers - Christians. These
verses are to be worked out as if the church community is a family. To begin
with, it relates to sin or wrongs committed against "you."
a. This is not a warrant to get involved in every aspect of a person's life
looking for fault or to insert yourself in their relationship with others. Though,
these words of Jesus remind us that my actions and my sin does affect
other believers and Jesus takes our leading other believers into sin and loss
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of faith very seriously. We saw that clearly in last week's message. Also, we
are at times called to point out sin in fellow Christians lives.
b. Jesus is right up front with what one must do if a fellow Christian has
wronged them or sinned against them. "You gotta go!" and let the person
know what they have done to hurt or wrong you. "You gotta go" alone so
as not to draw others into the conflict and so not to bring shame to the
person or on yourself. "You gotta go" seeking reconciliation. If the person
listens and repents then that is the end of it.
3. Jesus knows that will not always be the case. He continues Matthew 18.16 –
16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter
may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’" Saying, "If
the person will not listen," seems to be Jesus' way of speaking about the
person who either refuses to repent or to work out the conflict in a
satisfactory manner. "What then?" You got it, ""You gotta go!," this time, with
two or three other people (note: NOT four or five or all your friends or posse).
a. Here, I believe, Jesus intends us to involve two or three mature believers,
who have not only our best interest at heart but also the best interest of
the other person and the community. This will provide the wisdom
necessary to resolve the wrong. One or two witnesses was necessary in
the Old Testament to hold people accountable for their actions
(Deuteronomy 19.15). Here the assumption is that the two or three
witnesses can accurately assess the situation and hold both parties to their
part in working it out or hold them accountable for failing to work it out.
4. Finally, Matthew 18.17 – 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if
they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or
a tax collector. So, if you are not able to get your own way or prove yourself
right, then go tell everyone in the church about how horrible the other person
has acted. (LOL) Not at all. There are situations and people, in what I believe
are rare instances, where a believer's behavior is such that it threatens the
safety of the church community. Involvement in an evil such as aggressive
racism or a criminal activity or some real or threatened violence or emotional
manipulation. Most likely this is reserved for believers who have wronged
another believer or church community and have no intention of repenting
which means they will continue to hurt the person and community.
a. In my estimation, Jesus is speaking about involving the appropriate church
leaders (not every person in the church) to bring some resolution to this
situation.
b. Pointing to "pagans and tax collectors" are a way of speaking of not
simply non-believers but non-believers who are openly and persistently
hostile to God and God's people. There are rare instances when church
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leaders must separate a person from the community, yet always hoping
and working for some reconciliation.
B. When You Don't Go
Though not specifically mentioned in our text, you can imagine (and no doubt
have seen and experienced) the damage to people's lives that occurs when
you don't go to offer forgiveness as Jesus instructs.
1. When we do not go to the person who has wronged us or sinned against us
we often either shout or shut-out. When you don't go, we shout, we explode,
saying things that are more hurtful than helpful. We forcefully express our
view of the situation where we are the 'victim" and the other person the
"villain." Far too often we do not tell the full and accurate story or even not
the whole truth. This also draws others into the conflict. Here, we are not
listening to the one who has wronged or sinned against us. If we did listen to
them we might lead us to see the situation more clearly or even see that we
are no all together right in our feeling wronged.
2. On the other hand, when you don't go, we often shut-out from our lives the
person who has wronged us or sinned against us. We ignore the person to
distance ourselves from the hurt or to hurt or get even with the person. Many
times we do this with such intentionality and flair that everyone around us
knows that there is a problem and who we are mad at them. At the same
time, we involve other people in the conflict. Here, we never have to face up
to our own part in the conflict or even our own sins that we might have to
face if we spoke to the person who has wronged us.
3. To shout and to shut-out do not resolve the conflict or hope for repentance
or work to bring about reconciliation.
C. When You Go.....
I want to offer some suggestions to help when you go to offer someone
forgiveness. So, when you go....
1. Keep the circle small. Our natural tendency is to talk with other people about
the person who has wronged us or sinned against us. We need resist this with
great effort. If you feel that you need prayer and guidance in how best to go
speak to the person, then chose wisely who you go to for advice and for
prayer. The damage that results from speaking to others about the situation
and the persons involved can be immense. Our words, even if we are justified
in feeling hurt or betrayed, can ruin friendships, unnecessarily destroy
reputations even destroy church families. Proverbs 25.9-10 −
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2. Be gracious. Go to the other person, even if you are going for the second or
more time, with a willing heart to offer the gift of forgiveness. Do not go
expecting to make the person pay a price for your forgiveness. Remember
Ephesians 4.32 – 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving
[offering grace to] each other, just as in Christ God forgave [offered grace to]
you and Colossians 3.13 – 13 Bear with each other and forgive [offer grace to]
one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive [offer
grace] as the Lord forgave [offered grace to] you. We are not doing ourselves
a favor when we forgive. We are following Christ's work of overcoming evil
(which hurts) with forgiveness. Forgiveness and reconciliation are the heart of
God's grace.
3. Do not seek revenge. Forgiveness is the end of retribution. We will speak more
on this in a few weeks on Sunday August 23rd.
4. Listen first and be ready to ask for forgiveness yourself. There are many times
when in going to a person to confront them about a wrong or a sin against
us will reveal some wrong or sin on our own part. Be willing to repent yourself if
this occurs. You can see why so many people like to define forgiveness as an
event that occurs inside yourself. In this way we are freed from ever having to
do the hard work of facing and dealing with our own sins and shortcomings.
5. Take the other person at their word. Avoid trying to figure out the motives of
the person's explanations or repentance. "I am sorry" should be taken for
what it is, an apology. Remember, we are going in love which means
according to 1 Corinthians 13.7 −
6. Chose your words carefully. Think about how difficult it is to be confronted
with something you have done wrong or that has hurt another person. Think
about how reactionary we become when we feel attacked. You might do
well to write your words down beforehand so you are very cautious and clear
on the words you chose. We are going in love and expecting reconciliation.
We are not going to get retribution or to hurt while pretending to offer
forgiveness.
a. Affirm why you are thankful for the other person.
b. Explain how you have been hurt. Focus on actions not on the person’s
character.
c. Avoid using inflammatory words such as always and never.
d. Avoid conveying harshness and melodrama.
7. Be patient and have modest expectations. Seeking to forgive does not
always work out perfectly or at all. Give people time to really come to grips
with your words. You are being obedient to God in offering forgiveness. You
must leave much of the outcome to God's work in the other person's life. This
might take time.
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8. Be willing to listen to wise advise from wise people. You might find it
necessary to involve two or three others in confronting a person if together
you were unable to work out the issue or if the other person refuses to deal
with their actions against you.
a. Be prepared to heed their advise. After considering your conflict with the
other person, those you have involved may tell you to let the matter go.
Colossians 3.14 − . 1 Peter 4.8 −
b. Again, listen first. In listening to the other person, those you have involved
may be able to offer a clearer perspective on the situation. Proverbs 18.17
−
c. Use gentle and helpful words. Think how you would feel being confronted
by a group of people. It might well lead you to be rather defensive. You
and those you involve must chose words that are honest but as important,
are gently and well chosen. Proverbs 15.1 − . Always keep in mind that
you are going to offer the gift of forgiveness and hoping for reconciliation.
All to easily, this can slip into offering only condemnation and hoping for
retribution.
D. Go Now!
I want to end with a few comments and a story about the connection between
forgiveness and repentance. Go now knowing that we are often able to
genuinely repent only when forgiveness has first been extended to us.
1. Repentance may be one of the hardest things a human being can do. That
it is difficult to repent genuinely will not come as a surprise to those who have
pondered the gravity and power of human sin. One of sin's most notable
features is that it unfailingly refuses to acknowledge itself as sin. We usually
not only refuse to admit the wrongdoing and to accept guilt, but seem
neither to detest the sin committed nor feel very sorry about it. Instead, we
hide our sin behind multiple walls of denial, cover-up, mitigating
explanations, and claims to comparative innocence.
2. The accusations of others reinforce our propensity to hide sin. We usually do
all we can to justify ourselves, and that reaction is understandable. We fear
the consequences of sin. We may lose a good reputation or be punished.
We cannot bear to face ourselves as wrongdoers. We fear that the integrity
of our very selves might crumble under the weight of our offense. That's why
we are often able to repent only when we are assured that our guilt will be
lifted and charges will not be pressed against us. In other words, we are able
to genuinely repent only when forgiveness has first been extended to us.
MIROSLAV VOLF in FREE OF CHARGE: GIVING AND FORGIVING IN A CULTURE
STRIPED OF GRACE writes: A friend of mine - I'll call her Esther here - was
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abandoned by her alcoholic mother when she was nine years old. The family
never spoke about the mother and rarely heard from her. When she reached
her midtwenties, Esther decided she needed to see her mother again. Though
she had been deeply hurt, most of all Esther felt very guilty that she hadn't done
more for her mother, that she hadn't even wanted to contact her over the
years. Finally, in the little Iowa town where she had said good-bye to her mother
seventeen years earlier, Esther knocked on her mother's door. It was an
emotional reunion, and Esther could barely speak all afternoon as they walked
around town meeting all the people who were important to Esther's mother. As
they sat in the living room after dinner, Esther pulled herself together and took
command of the conversation. She spoke briefly of the intervening years and
then asked her mother to forgive her for not writing or calling. Esther confessed
that she had broken the promise she made as a little girl never to love her
mother. She told her mother how sorry she was and begged her mother's
forgiveness for having neglected her for so long.
"Of course. Of course I forgive you, Esther." They both were crying now, and
there was a long silence. Esther was waiting for her mother to reciprocate. Surely
she would ask forgiveness for abandoning her, for all those alcoholic scenes, for
the many broken promises. And Esther waited. But nothing came. Slowly Esther
got up from her chair and went to sit at her mother's feet. Taking her mother's
hands she said, "Mommy, I was really hurt as a little girl, and I was really, really
sad. But I want you to know that I forgive you. I know that you didn't mean to
hurt me. I know you loved me then and that you still love me now. And I love
you. I'm okay, Mommy. My life has turned out okay, and I forgive you for
everything."
"Oh, Esther! I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry." She kept repeating it over
and over, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down her face. With sudden
insight Esther had realized that her mother's shame and guilt were so
overwhelming, far too ugly and too painful for her to face and to bring into the
open on her own. She could not even conceive of being loved and forgiven by
the child she had abandoned. But hearing that indeed her daughter loved and
forgave her for what she could never forgive herself, she was able to repent.
And finally she was able to receive forgiveness.
3. Caught in the snare of a misdeed, offenders often seem unable to redeem
themselves on their own. They need help from the victims of their misdeeds.
By forgiving, victims enact a divine kind of love toward their enemies - and
help overcome evil by the power of good. But both parties must participate
in the process for it to be complete.
a. Though it is important to celebrate the power of forgiveness to lead
offenders to repentance, it would be imprudent to overstate it. We often
don't repent even when we are forgiven. We may continue to reject the
claim that we've done anything wrong. We may rejoice at the gift of
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forgiveness without weeping over our offenses. Forgiveness does not cause
repentance, but it does help make repentance possible.
“Action Point” – A specific person is able to genuinely repent only when we first
extended to them the gift of forgiveness.
Specific NAME Goes Here: ________________
“When It’s Hard to Unpack” (NEXT SUNDAY)
Sunday August 16th, 2015
(Chapter 6) The Way Up Is Down
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Matthew 18:1-4
Proverbs 15:33, 18:12, 22:4, 29:23
Isaiah 40:12-15
(Chapter 10) What If I Won’t Forgive?
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Matthew 6:12-15
Matthew 18:23-35
Prayer for Sunday August 9th, 2015 (TODAY)
Lord Jesus,
You have been telling me that offering the forgiveness is about seeking
reconciliation—a restoration of relationship. Give me your courage to go and
speak to the person who I feel has wronged me or sinned against me. Help
me to chose wise and helpful words to explain the situation. Captivate my
mind and my heart with a desire to participate in your work to overcome evil
with good even as you drive out my desires for retribution.
There are times that I cannot do this and there are times when even my best
efforts do not seem to resolve this struggle. Even in these uncomfortable
moments remind me to not involve others unnecessarily in this issue. If
necessary, show me a two or three wise men and women who you will use to
guide me through to offering the gift of forgiveness.
Finally, if I have sinned or wronged this person in any way, give me your power
to repent.
Amen