THE SUCCESS
OF FAILURE
How Great Adults Let Kids Fail
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@AskDoctorG
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Debrah Gilboa, MD
www.AskDrG.com
If you could
wave a
magic
wand...
What do you
want kids to
learn?
hap·pi·
ness:
noun
good fortune; pleasure;
contentment; joy
INGREDIENTS:
1. Confidence
2. Competence
3. Relationships
Wait…
You DO have
a magic
wand!
WHAT DO THEY
LEARN AT CAMP?
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Get in the water
Get on stage
Touch nature
Meet someone new
Answer questions
about themselves
Ask about others
Be honest
Try something new
Climb something
• Go where
they’ve never been
• Read a map
• Make fire
• Cook something
• Write a skit
• Teach a lesson
• Learn a lesson
• ___________
CULTURE OF
“SUCCESSFUL”
FAMILIES
The Myth:
“Getting involved will
make us both feel
better!”
The Truth:
Stepping back helps
kids become adults.
WHY WOULD WE
LET THEM TRY?
Proves independence
Leads to competence
Builds relationship
Teaches resilience.
7
STATS
• US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age 25-34
living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil
• >2/3 parents give their adult children $$$
support (doubled in 20 yrs)
• Sallie Mae study of undergrads:
average credit card balance is
$3,173
SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013
THE COST
“Students who reported having overcontrolling parents reported significantly
higher levels of depression and less
satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the
negative effects of helicopter parenting on
college students’ well-being were largely
explained by the perceived violation of
students’ basic psychological needs for
autonomy and competence.”
WHAT
CAMPS KNOW
Childhood is for learning:
• Independence
• Competence
• How to build relationships
Stepping back a little strengthens kids.
Independence →RESILIENCE
But why, exactly?
Love
•
•
•
•
•
•
Empathy
Helpfulness
Greater resources
Experience
Habit
Genuine enjoyment
Fear
•
•
•
•
•
Responsibility
Overwhelming
Deteriorating
Future consequences
Risking the
relationship
GUILT.
RESILIENCE
CHALLENGES







Mistakes
Accidents
Pain
Social consequences
Judgment from other parents
Haters
11:00 News…
WHAT ADULTS NEED TO
REMEMBER
Adult involvement supports
•Safety
•Growth
•Learning
Adult intervention harms
•Confidence
•Competence
•Relationships
GUIDE THEIR PLAN
•
•
•
•
•
•
Let life teach the lesson!
Praise the process.
Play “What if?”
Read a book or watch a show.
What would you tell a friend?
MISSION STATEMENT/CONTRACT
“I’ll be really interested to
see what you do!”
PARENT
PARTNERING
• Focus on the child
• Favorite song?
Their child’s name!
• What do you know? What do you like?
• GOAL SHARING!
• Recognize the parent as
that child’s expert
• Share
decision-making
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