NEXT DOOR GAY-BORS
A Full-Length Play in 100 Scenes
By Kathy Anderson & Bill Felty
Contact:
Kathy Anderson
215.681.7127
[email protected]
Bill Felty
212.300.3540
[email protected]
©All rights reserved. 2013
2.
SYNOPSIS
Buddy (average-looking gay man) and Honey (average-looking
lesbian) share a common wall in an average-looking apartment
building in an average American city. Lately both Buddy and Honey
have been spending a lot of time pretending to be beautiful
straight women.
Armed with her Ph.D. in Victorian Literature and Women’s Latent
Sexuality, Honey works from home on a Victorian-themed phone
sex line, her own business. Buddy works from home doing
computer programming but also doing online dating, talking to
straight guys, pretending to be his beautiful, but ditzy sister, trying
to find her a stable Mr. Right (as opposed to all the losers she
dates.) He’s afraid of lots of things, including the gay bar scene and
carnivorous predators of the city, so he can’t quite get up the
nerve to go outside anymore. Honey stays home because she’s
terrified of the academic loan sharks she thinks are outside waiting
for her.
Puss and Boots are Honey's friends since college. Both are gay and
lead fabulous gay lifestyles. They visit her lots, trying to get her to
leave the apartment. Sissy, Buddy's sister, visits him lots, trying to
get him to leave the apartment and seeking refuge from her lonely
and crisis-filled life. Beau is the beautiful man Buddy meets online,
gets to know as "his sister,” and eventually sets up a date. Buddy
falls hard for Beau and has to watch him leave for his first date
with Sissy.
Honey finally lands an academic professorship via phone interview
and leaves for her new job in Dildo, Newfoundland. Facing the fact
that Beau is not his man, Buddy shuts down his online dating
accounts and readies to leave his apartment, inviting Boots in to
share a sumptuous feast that he had prepared for Beau.
3.
CHARACTERS
BUDDY - 30s, average looking, fearful, gay man, computer
programmer and gourmet cook, pretending to be his sister for
online dating with straight men.
SISSY - 20s, BUDDY’s sister, beautiful, blonde, dumb, and selfabsorbed straight woman with bad dating history. Can double as
FAITH (president of the chastity alliance at Jesus on High Christian
University in Dung, Alabama).
PUSS – 30s, glamorous lesbian, can double as DESTINY (human
resources temp worker in New York City, NY).
HONEY - 30s, BUDDY’s neighbor, average looking, lesbian Ph.D.
pretending to be a beautiful straight woman while working on a
Victorian phone sex line.
BOOTS - 30s, fabulous gay male, can double as SMOKEY (911
phone operator).
BEAU – 30s, straight man, can double as JUNIOR (student body
president at Jesus on High University in Dung, Alabama).
DIRECTORS’ NOTE: FAITH, DESTINY, SMOKEY, and JUNIOR
Suggested doubling is listed in character breakdowns, but these
characters can also be voice only or video projections.
4.
SETTING AND TIME
Two neighboring apartments in a small apartment building in an
American city. The time is the present.
STAGING NOTES
Lights always come up on whole stage, on both apartments. When
lights are up, both sides of the set reflect time passing. If an action
needs to take place during a scene, it will be indicated. If no
specific action is indicated, the director may insert actions that
indicate time passing.
Honey and Buddy never leave the stage (or their apartments) and
the scenes move fluidly back and forth between their lives. Their
front doors are upstage and show that they share a common
hallway. BUDDY often talks to Hardy Boys action figures on his
desk. BUDDY is extremely frightened of his door; HONEY is
frightened of what is outside her window.
There are 100 scenes ranging from 15-20 minutes to only 10
seconds. Scenes move backward and forward in time, playing with
our sense of linear time.
5.
SCENE 1
In both apartments. BUDDY and
HONEY are working.
HONEY
You’re very forward, sir, reaching right under my skirt like that. I
can feel your hand - oh my - right on my . . . Oh sir, you’ll make a
bob tail of me yet, won’t you.
BUDDY
I’m getting a positive acknowledgment.
HONEY
What’s that monstrous thing? Oh my. You are a very bad man, Sir.
Is that your willy? It’s too big for me. What a big fat hard willy you
have sir. Look how red and thick it is, you’ll never get in me.
BUDDY
OH NO. Now I got a promiscuous reading.
HONEY
Oh sir. Oh sir. SIR SIR SIR. You’re in my Cock Lane, aren’t you, all
the way up. You slipped it right in there, you bad man, didn’t you.
BUDDY
Normal response mode. Yeah baby.
HONEY
That feels lovely, Sir. I’m all wet. You made me all slippy inside. I
can’t wait to feel your warm spunk inside.
BUDDY
Open shortest path first. Beautiful. Yeah. Oh Yeah.
HONEY
Oh Sir, your John Thomas is giving me such a ride, your bawbels
are slapping against my muff, I feel you all the way up my notch.
OH OH.
BUDDY
PING PING PING
6.
HONEY
My cunny wants more of you. Plow me harder.
BUDDY
Spooling beautifully. Go go go.
HONEY
Go on, pour your spunk into me now. Ballocks spunk spunk
ballocks twiddle-diddle spunk spunk spunk Oh SIR oh SIR.
BUDDY
SPIKING. Awesome spiking.
HONEY
That will be one hundred and fifty, sir. Yes, 1.5.0. Same card as last
time? No receipt to your email? Okey dokey. Have a lovely
weekend. Bye bye now.
BUDDY
Mission accomplished. You’re welcome. That’s what I do. That’s
why you pay me the big bucks, Boss.
7.
SCENE 2
BUDDY is lecturing SISSY.
BUDDY
If he belches when he introduces himself
If he calls you for bail money
If he belches at any time
If he gets high before noon
If he has more than 3 tattoos . . . On his penis
If he takes calls from other women while you’re in bed with him
If he gets up from bed with you to go meet other women
If he forgets your name
If he calls you Babe because he forgets your name
This man is a loser.
How to recognize a loser is the topic of our lecture today.
Or to be kinder
A lost soul who will never be a good partner to you
It’s very simple. Listen and learn.
Does he smile?
Do his eyes reflect a beautiful person inside who cares about you
and other people?
Does he listen to you?
Is he nice to you all the time not just when he wants something?
If you say no to any one of these things, this is a loser.
You are done with losers, right?
Now and forever, right?
SISSY
You make it sound so easy. But it’s not easy. It’s super hard.
Everything starts out sparkly and ends up nasty.
BUDDY
You can do this. You can. I will help you. What’s a big brother for if
he can’t help his sister out when she really really needs it. So
desperately.
SISSY
Okay. If you say so.
8.
SCENE 3
HONEY wears sweat pants and a
corset. She opens door to PUSS who
is wearing a bikini and carrying a
champagne bottle.
HONEY
You go out dressed like that?
PUSS
You stay in dressed like that?
HONEY
I’m working.
PUSS
Same here, my friend. I just came from the costume shop.
Emergency bikini delivery.
HONEY
Used?
PUSS
I got panty shields in. Hey, they should pay extra for my perfume.
HONEY
Crazy girl.
PUSS
Crazy fun. My next delivery is a Star Wars costume, I can’t wait to
hit the streets in that little number.
9.
SCENE 4
BEAU
It’s really tough sometimes. I don’t get out much. Hard to meet
women that way.
BUDDY
I hear you.
BEAU
I really can’t. You know?
BUDDY
I know. I do know. But you’re here now. Yay.
(offers BEAU a plate)
Oyster Fritter?
10.
SCENE 5
HONEY, PUSS, and BOOTS are playing
Scrabble. Every time HONEY gets up
to pour drinks or look outside, PUSS
and BOOTS cheat.
HONEY
Fuckmeister is not a word.
BOOTS (to HONEY)
Have you forgotten everything we learned in German 301?
Professor Titz would be extremely disappointed.
PUSS
I aced that class. As I did all my classes in my meteoric climb to the
top, suckers.
BOOTS
Hold on, sister. You were a lowly fashion design major just like us.
PUSS
A fashion design major who landed the best job in the world. That
is all.
HONEY
Delivering costumes?
PUSS
Hell yeah.
BOOTS
And all I do with my degree is critique my customers in the bank.
The outfits I see, you would not believe. There was this woman in
today in this purple and yellow —
11.
SCENE 6
BUDDY is playing Bingo against
himself.
BUDDY
B 19!
(crosses room to fill out card, then returns to
pull number out of Bingo cage)
G 42!
(crosses room to fill out card, returns to cage
again)
O 69!
(remembers sex, with longing)
Oh. 69. OH 69. Ohhhhhhhh 69.
12.
SCENE 7
BUDDY
I have two words for you. Hardy Boys.
SISSY
Who’s that?
BUDDY
If anybody asks you, you love the Hardy Boys. You used to read
them. You love their TV show, watch it all the time on reruns. Your
favorite book is The Mystery at Devil’s Paw. Or The Haunted Fort.
Or Dude Ranch o’ Death. Oh hell, just saw you adore them all. If
anybody asks you if you love Frank Hardy or Joe Hardy the best,
you say it’s impossible to pick, you love them both so much.
SISSY
Have you been snorting paprika again?
13.
SCENE 8
HONEY is peeking out the window.
PUSS is sprawled on the couch
reading celebrity gossip magazine.
PUSS
Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow would want to have sex with me? I
can’t decide if I’d say yes or no.
HONEY
I SAID I need you over here.
PUSS
I do like her hair and she has really white teeth.
HONEY
Please?
PUSS
She looks so hot in leather. I say . . .YES!
BOOTS enters.
HONEY
SHHH. Boots. Come here. Quick.
BOOTS
I cannot hurry anywhere. My job was so crazy today, rush rush
rush. I felt like going inside that bank vault, taking all the money for
myself, and then I’d never have to work again.
HONEY
(not listening)
Uh huh. Quick. See that guy?
BOOTS
The goodlooking blond with the Uggs? That guy?
HONEY
No. That OTHER guy.
14.
BOOTS
That cute little hipster? Or the hunky runner with those funny
flipper looking shoes. How the hell they run in those things I’ll
never know.
HONEY
No no no no no. That other guy. That big guy all dressed in black
who keeps staring up here.
BOOTS
Where?
HONEY
That guy right there. Was that guy standing right there the last
time you were here? Do you think that guy is watching my building
or something? I think I keep seeing that guy.
BOOTS
Probably a smoker banished to the sidewalk. Is he smoking?
HONEY
I feel like I’m being watched.
BOOTS
I love being watched.
15.
SCENE 9
BUDDY
(reading what he’s about to email BEAU)
You know what’s the most wonderful thing you do to me? You
accept me. That’s it. I keep tossing you these little weird things
about me and you keep accepting them. Every time you do
that, it’s like you pour warm honey all over me.
I honestly think everything I do is okay with you. If I told you
something really bizarre - like I haven’t been outside of my
apartment for months and I don’t exactly know why or what to do
about it - I think you’d listen to me then you’d think it was really
okay. You wouldn’t just say it’s okay. It would really be okay with
you because you don’t judge me and find me lacking. You
don’t measure me. You don’t compare me. You just accept me. I
swear I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I found you.
Send.
(waits for response)
(reading BEAU’s email response)
You have no idea what you do to me, girl. I haven’t apologized to
you once. Because you don’t make me feel like I have anything to
apologize for.
It took me a while to get used to being a guy who is not sorry for
something all the time.
I can’t stop smiling. I have this big permanent smile plastered on
my face. Wish I could see you. Wish you could see what you do to
me. Soon, I hope.
16.
SCENE 10
SISSY is sharing a book with HONEY
and PUSS.
SISSY
You ever read this? The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories? It’s
super good. You don’t have to be a lesbian to read it. But maybe
you’ll like it even more because you are lesbians!
PUSS
Does it have pictures?
HONEY
Where’d you find that book, Sissy?
SISSY
On the bus. Shoved under the seat.
PUSS
Ewwwww.
HONEY
I used to love to ride horses.
SISSY
My favorite story is the one where —
17.
SCENE 11
In both apartments
SISSY
Can I borrow a condom?
BUDDY
I cannot believe you asked me that.
SISSY
What?
BUDDY
You really don’t know what is oh so wrong about that question?
SISSY
What?
BUDDY
We had this discussion a million times. You have got to stop
borrowing things from me.
SISSY
I don’t borrow things from you.
BUDDY
(hears timer go off in kitchen and exits)
You wait right here, Sissy. This discussion is not over.
SISSY looks for condoms.
BOOTS
I really don’t like it that much.
HONEY
You’re kidding me.
BOOTS
Messy. Very messy. I don’t like to get so untidy.
18.
HONEY
I love getting messy. God. So much.
BOOTS
So that’s why.
HONEY
So that’s why. You break up with them before —
BOOTS
What else am I going to do?
HONEY
So how long has it been since you . . .?
BOOTS
Let me think about that.
BUDDY enters.
BUDDY
My red scarf. My 5-inch saucepan. One entire place setting of my
special dress-up dinnerware.
BOOTS
Not since Junior Year.
SISSY
It’s only one condom.
HONEY
That’s terrible.
BUDDY
It’s not only one condom. I can go on. The list goes on. In fact I
have a list here someplace.
BUDDY looks for his list.
19.
BOOTS
It’s no big deal. Everyone makes such a big deal. What’s the big
deal? I don’t see the big deal. If people were honest, I bet a lot of
people you think are doing it aren’t even doing it. So what’s the big
deal? Tell me what the big deal is.
HONEY
Skin.
BUDDY
(finds list)
My Little Pony lunchbox
HONEY
The smell of a woman’s skin.
BUDDY
My first boyfriend Scott. You borrowed him one weekend.
HONEY
That first kiss where her mouth opens slightly
BUDDY
My eyelash curler
HONEY
The slickery wetness
BUDDY
My fish tank
HONEY
Being inside. Being part of her and she is part of me.
BUDDY
You borrowed my Hardy Boys Action Figures and lost them. I will
never forgive you for that. It cost me a fortune to replace them.
HONEY
Being covered by her, everywhere.
BUDDY
My brand new Walkman. Which you never even listened to.
20.
HONEY
The beautiful sounds of her satisfaction.
BUDDY
The more I think about it, the more I demand satisfaction.
HONEY
Boots, you need to do something about this. You are missing one
of the most beautiful parts of life. You can’t keep breaking up with
guys because you don’t want to—
BOOTS
What do you want me to do?
SISSY
What do you want me to do?
BOOTS
That’s just who I am.
SISSY
I can’t help it.
BOOTS
I can’t help it.
SISSY
I don’t even remember any of that stuff.
BOOTS
I don’t even remember what it was like.
BUDDY
It’s my stuff. It’s important to me.
HONEY
Oh Bootsie. What am I going to do with you?
SISSY
I’ll bring it back. Don’t be mad at me.
BOOTS
Don’t be sad for me. I’m good. Really. I’m doing good.
21.
SCENE 12
HONEY is peering out her window,
seeing something that she is very
afraid of.
22.
SCENE 13
BUDDY hands BEAU a Hardy Boys
Action figure.
BEAU (to Action Figure)
Hello my old friend. Never thought I’d see you again.
BUDDY
Do you want to be Frank or Joe?
BEAU
I can swing either way.
BUDDY
(thrilled)
Oh?
BEAU
I mean like Frank is smarter, since he’s the oldest. I like that. But
then Joe is so fun and so good at sports.
BUDDY
(disappointed)
Oh.
23.
SCENE 14
HONEY and SISSY are staring out the
window.
HONEY
Right there.
SISSY
Who?
HONEY
You don’t see her?
SISSY
You mean that woman eating a banana? I see a woman eating a
banana.
HONEY
I don’t care about fruit. I want to know if they’re stalking me.
SISSY
Maybe she’s trying to lose weight. Maybe she usually eats donuts
and she’s having fruit instead. You should care about fruit.
Everyone should.
HONEY
But she is waiting, right? You see her out there waiting to pounce.
SISSY
I dunno. I guess maybe.
HONEY
You’re not just humoring me are you?
SISSY
I don’t even know what that means.
24.
SCENE 15
HONEY
One moment please, just waiting for your credit card to clear for
your budget special speed session. Okay then, here we go. Ready
set go.
(quickly)
I am going to spank you very hard for all the bad things you did this
week. Making a wet mess in your bed linens. Pulling up the
parlormaid’s skirt, you dirty boy. Hold your bare bottom very
still now. Stop wiggling all over me. Do not touch yourself in any
way. I’m the only one allowed to touch . . .
(makes spanking sounds)
(listens)
Yes, record time. No, no refund for making it under the limit. Five
minute minimum. Bye bye now.
25.
SCENE 16
BUDDY
I swear to god, Sissy. If you don’t like this one, I give up. This guy is
perfect for you. I’m pulling out all the stops on this guy. You hit the
online dating jackpot here.
SISSY
(from bathroom)
Buddy, wouldn’t it be funny if his name was Jack Pot?
26.
SCENE 17
BUDDY
(imagines introducing Beau to an unseen friend)
This is my husband Beau. And our dog Lucky. Down, Lucky. Don’t
jump up on the nice lady.
Yes, Lucky has two Daddies. He’s a lucky dog, aren’t you, boy.
Lucky lucky dog. We’re so happy. Blissful really.
27.
SCENE 18
In both apartments. BEAU and BUDDY are
armwrestling. HONEY is on the phone.
HONEY
You’re calling from Newfoundland? Really? Yes, I did apply for the
job.
(listens)
Excuse me. You said Newfoundland, right?
BEAU
(pocketing a phone)
My Dad. Again. I’m sorry.
BUDDY
I understand.
BEAU
Your Dad’s a pain too?
BUDDY
No, just her.
BEAU
Bro. Big bro.
BUDDY
(handing BEAU a plate)
Hot nuts?
28.
SCENE 19
HONEY
(in her own voice, not sexy)
Yes, we do have a Saucy Housemaid special running right now. And
you can be that evil ne’er do well Lord John, up to no good. Why
yes, I’m dying to fondle your large . . . in just a sec.
But first, I want to ask you - by any chance, do know any real life
bad guys I can hire? I have a situation. Hello? Hello? Hello?
29.
SCENE 20
In both apartments
BUDDY is watching a movie, the
funniest movie he’s ever seen. He is
laughing hysterically.
HONEY is watching a movie, the
saddest movie she’s ever seen. She is
sobbing.
30.
SCENE 21
SISSY is reading a bedtime story to
PUSS and HONEY from The Big Book
of Lesbian Horse Stories.
HONEY
I’m so happy you guys are here. I get so lonely.
SISSY
It’s fun. A sleepover with no sex for a change! Yay.
PUSS
Big yay.
HONEY (to SISSY)
Go on.
SISSY
So there’s this Mounted Policewoman named Midge. She has this
horse named Chopper and all this stuff happens and in the end
Midge and her girlfriend mount Chopper and ride away and all
the lesbians live happily ever after.
PUSS
When you say “mount” . . .
HONEY
How romantic. I love a happy ending.
31.
SCENE 22
BUDDY
Cheese puff?
BEAU
Wow. Yeah. Like wow, man. You got good chow.
32.
SCENE 23
SISSY (to BUDDY)
What can you do to find me a guy that I can’t do all by myself? I’m
pretty good at finding guys, you know.
33.
SCENE 24
BUDDY
Come here.
BEAU
Why?
BUDDY
Get over here. I’ll teach you.
BEAU
What if she comes out? She’ll see us.
BUDDY
Trust me. We’ve got time.
BEAU
But you’re a guy.
BUDDY
Not right this minute. I’m a girl with happy feet who wants to
dance with her fella. Get over here.
BUDDY teaches BEAU to slow dance.
34.
SCENE 25
In both apartments
BUDDY’s doorbell rings. BUDDY
screams. HONEY hears scream, not
sure of source, looks out window and
peers out in hall.
35.
SCENE 26
HONEY, PUSS, and BOOTS are playing
Scrabble.
PUSS
Can I please have enough letters to spell cunnilingus?
HONEY
You have to earn cunnilingus. You don’t just get handed
cunnilingus.
PUSS
You ought to know. Queen of the players. Leader of our girl gang.
HONEY
A million years ago. Before graduate school. Before my Ph.D.
program.
PUSS
We left you alone while you were in school like you asked us to,
didn’t we? But those days are over. You’ve got to get out there
again. We want you back out there with us. Having you around
makes me look even more incredible.
BOOTS (to HONEY)
Running around the city is no fun without you, Honey.
PUSS (to BOOTS)
Hey. Puss equals epic fun any time, any place. Got that?
BOOTS
Send help. Ego out of control.
HONEY
I want you to go to that new club. The one with underwear
Twister.
PUSS and BOOTS
I’m in.
HONEY
Don’t forget to wear your best knickers, boys and girls.
36.
SCENE 27
BUDDY is talking on the phone to a
friend.
BUDDY
You don't even know what's out there, man. The predators of the
night, that's what. Foxes and raccoons ravaging and scavenging
anything that moves. There’s a crisis out there. I saw a video
on TV where this hawk swooped down and picked a guy’s eyeball
right out of his head. All you have to do is stumble, falter just a tiny
bit and they’re on you. Yeah, well look at the meat on my body. I'm
prime. You don’t have to worry, with your body. Carnivorous
predators don't want guys like you. Everybody else wants you. But
me, I'd get a fox springing on me from a dark corner, a raccoon
grabbing ahold of my fat calves and taking a bite, a hawk swooping
down for a snack. Crazy? I just watch the news, man. You’re still
going out? Nah, not me. Not tonight. Yeah, okay, bye.
37.
SCENE 28
BEAU
Geez, I’m so nervous.
BUDDY
A Hardy Boy is never nervous.
BEAU
How’d you know about that?
BUDDY
I love them too. Sissy told me you were an aficionado.
BEAU
(He doesn’t know that word.)
Huh?
BUDDY
In the fan club.
BEAU
Don’t spread that around, man.
BUDDY
Our little secret. Our secret pleasure.
BEAU
Do you still BUDDY
A whole collection, right in my bedroom . . . I’ll be happy to whip it
out and show you.
38.
SCENE 29
PUSS, BOOTS, and HONEY are
playing Scrabble.
PUSS
This is so boring. Let’s play with all sex words.
HONEY
I’m sick of sex words.
PUSS
Since when?
BOOTS
The language of love. Hey they should make an all sex Scrabble.
You can only put down sex words and sex slang.
PUSS
Remember when Honey used to say she got her muffin buttered
after a hot date?
BOOTS
Only all the time. That always made me so hungry.
39.
SCENE 30
BUDDY
(emailing BEAU)
I am kissing your lips, handsome Beau. My body is pressed up
against you, my breasts . . . Uh my breasts uhhhh what would my
breasts be doing exactly. I have no earthly idea. Deleting.
(reading BEAU’s email)
Where do you want me? He says where do you want me.
(answering BEAU)
On your knees, big boy . . . Delete.
40.
SCENE 31
HONEY is peering out windows with
binoculars, talking on speakerphone.
SMOKEY
911. Please hold.
HONEY
Jesus Christ.
SMOKEY
Your call is very important to us. When you hear the beep, please
state the nature of your emergency in 10 words or less. GO.
HONEY
Academic loan sharks outside my building circling for my blood.
SMOKEY
You got to be kidding me.
HONEY
It's really true. First there was this big huge guy, just waiting and
waiting. Then he finally left and a woman was out there eating a
banana, all casual, like I was fooled by that. Then there was a
skateboarding kid. I caught him looking up at my window and
watching my door while he skated up and down this ramp, over
and over again. It’s outrageous. It’s continuous surveillance. I
didn't believe it. I thought it was an urban myth.
SMOKEY
Urban Miss? What’s she doing there?
HONEY
Urban myth - that once your student loans topped the magic one
million dollar mark, they stop sending online payment requests,
they stop calling, and they send thugs to break kneecaps and
chop off fingers.
SMOKEY
You’re telling me a bank sends thugs to collect student loans.
These people watching you are thugs. All kinda thugs. Men,
women, and children thugs.
41.
HONEY
Well it’s a million dollars in student loans, to be fair. And I started
with banks but after they cut me off, I found this guy. He used to
be a bookie but now he’s an academic loan shark. Loan sharking is
against the law right? Threatening people is against the law, right?
SMOKEY
Did he threaten you, ma’am?
HONEY
I’m not giving him the chance. I’m staying inside until these people
leave for good. They’re scary, I’m telling you. They’re just waiting
to break my kneecaps. I really love my kneecaps. Thank god I live in
a security building. They have to wait for me to come out. And I'm
not gonna. So how soon can you send a squad car full of cops with
tasers?
SMOKEY
What was your major? Mine was Forestry with a minor in Golf
Course Management.
HONEY
Mine is my dream custom designed combo - a Ph.D. in Victorian
Literature and Women's Latent Sexuality with a minor in Erotic
Pottery. I loved every minute of it, even if it did cost one million
bucks. So how fast can you send someone? This is driving me
insane.
SMOKEY
We’re not sending anyone. We don’t handle academic disputes of
a nebulous nature.
HONEY
What is your name?
SMOKEY
Smokey.
42.
HONEY
Well, Smokey, that’s not fair. You have to help me. Listen, Smokey,
I’m doing the best I can. I’m trying to pay the loan shark off. I
started my own business and everything, since I’m stuck inside
here. A Victorian phone sex line. You might have seen my ad in
Journal of Victorian Erotic Foreplay? I get all the smart horny guys,
the guys turned on by PBS shows, the ones who snuck their
parents’ Victorian erotica under the covers. Basically any guy who
gets all excited looking at a woman in a bustier.
SMOKEY
Can I have that number please.
43.
SCENE 32
BEAU
I feel like I met you before. Like I know you.
BUDDY
Yeah?
BEAU
Did you wrestle in high school?
BUDDY
Armwrestled.
44.
SCENE 33
In both apartments
BEAU and BUDDY are armwrestling
and laughing.
HONEY and PUSS are doing yoga.
45.
SCENE 34
In HONEY’s apartment. BOOTS opens
door to PUSS.
PUSS
Where’s Honey? She must be here somewhere, she hasn’t left this
dump in months.
BOOTS
Shower. Getting all sweet-smelling for us.
PUSS
Well that’s a waste. She ought to be aiming it at somebody who
can help her out down there.
BOOTS
Everything is not about sex.
PUSS
Yes it is. The entire universe revolves around sex, as a matter of
fact.
BOOTS
God, that’s a depressing thought.
PUSS
I don’t know how I could go on if I didn’t get it regularly. It’s such a
good way to get to know a woman. Forget talking, people talk too
much. Anybody can sound good while they’re talking. But when a
woman takes off her clothes, you can see if she truly loves her
body, if she knows how to enjoy herself – is it really hot in here?
Whew, I’m getting all worked up just thinking about it.
BOOTS
Take it easy. Don’t point that (meaning her body) at me.
PUSS
It’s so messed up that I’m the only one of us having a real sex life not on the phone, not on the dance floor.
46.
SCENE 35
HONEY is interviewing via Skype.
HONEY
Hello. I am deeply honored to be interviewing with such a
distinguished panel.
DESTINY
Oh honey, relax. I'm just the HR temp.
HONEY
Great to meet you. I didn’t catch your name?
DESTINY
I didn’t throw it. Ha. I’m Destiny. But don’t get all excited. This
ain't no interview. You think you just send in a resume and get an
interview? Is that how you think job hunting works these days? Oh
nooooo. This is the pre-pre-pre-pre-pre interview.
This is the call where I'm supposed to look you over and see if you
are visibly insane or in jail or if you fall into any of these anatomical
categories. I got a checklist. Can you hold up both hands and wave
your legs at the screen one at a time please? Not an amputee.
Sorry, you lose a mess of points for that.
Now, are you from the Aleutian Islands? Chocktaw Nation?
Samoan? Haitian Thai mix?
HONEY
No but I’m on the Dean’s List.
DESTINY
Girl, you are losing points with every breath you take. Were you at
least born into another gender's body and had to have something
whacked off or added on?
47.
HONEY
Destiny, I'm fully prepared to speak about my dissertation, The
Lusty Victorian Female in Literature: Ripping of the Bodice as
Revolutionary Transcendent Precursor to the Spice Girls and Their
Ilk and The Post-Modern Butch Post-Feminist Revolution Twice
Removed.
DESTINY
Ilk? That's what you got? Ilk? Ilk? I have to go, I've got 323 more
calls to make today on this one job. Honey, take my advice. Go out
there and learn a trade. My 14-year-old went to that charter
school for electric. She dropped out coz she had so many
customers she had to choose – school or raking it in. Now she’s
making all kind of cash as an electric wiring specialist and she
learned all she needed in one high school class, can you beat that.
Always need electric. Bye now.
48.
SCENE 36
In both apartments. BUDDY and
HONEY are both sitting on their
toilets.
BUDDY is furiously working on his
laptop.
HONEY has a headset phone and is
making encouraging sounds to her
client.
49.
SCENE 37
BUDDY is online dating, wearing
Amish women's bonnet and apron.
BUDDY
Who even knew there was an Amish dating site?
YourAmishMan.com. I thought they didn't even use the internet.
Must be there's a loophole and these interesting-looking
gentlemen slithered through it. Look they all have the exact same
bowl-over-the-head haircut, so cute. Suspenders hold the look
together, yes they do.
Hello Samuel, Jacob, Issac, Mervin. Why yes, I am proficient at
butter churning and have more than a passing acquaintance with
cows.
Oh who am I kidding? They'll take one look at her and . . . but they
look so dern nice and wholesome and manly. They look like they'd
be fun in the haystack and not care if their lover was skinny or had
six pack abs or buns of steel. They look like they know how to live,
out all day with their shirts off under the sun, getting all tan and
hard muscles and smelling so dern good and they work hard
plowing and hoeing then they strip everything off to plunge naked
into the lake when they get too hot . . .
50.
SCENE 38
SISSY is cleaning BUDDY'S teeth.
BUDDY
mmmm arghargh argh mmm gagagagag
SISSY
I did not steal them. (meaning dental instruments)
BUDDY
ARGH MMM GAGGAGAGGAG
SISSY
He gave them to me. Well, he would have gave them to me if I
asked him. He gives me everything I ask for. Except a divorce from
his wife. He said that's the one thing he can't give me. He can give
me a job in his dental office, he can give me a pretend dental
hygienist certificate, he can give me my very own mouths of
people to practice on, but he can't give me a divorce from his wife.
So I said that's it. We're through. I didn't know he was married. He
sprung that on me. So he can take his old job and shove it. I can get
another one. I always do.
BUDDY
Stop stop you're hurting me.
SISSY
Don't be such a big faggy baby. I have to practice for my job
interview. How hard can it be to scrape people's teeth off? How
hard can it be to jab this little pickaxe spear knife thing into
gums? I don't know what I'm looking for in here but . . .
BUDDY
STOP STOP OW OW OW
SISSY
Be a man. Be a good big brother. Let me practice on you. Come on.
51.
SCENE 39
In both apartments
SISSY (to BUDDY)
You’re so pale.
BOOTS (to HONEY)
You’re so pale.
SISSY (to BUDDY)
Look at my arm compared to yours.
BOOTS (to HONEY)
You need some sun.
SISSY (to BUDDY)
Tan is in, you know.
BOOTS (to HONEY)
Let me see your leg.
HONEY shows him her leg. BOOTS screams at
its paleness.
SISSY (to BUDDY)
Let me see your leg.
(pulls up BUDDY’s pantleg)
Tan fat looks better than pale fat. It’s a proven fact.
52.
SCENE 40
In both apartments
BUDDY and BEAU are waiting for
SISSY to come out of the bathroom.
HONEY is talking on the phone to a
Help Line counselor.
HONEY
I’ve never called a Crisis Help Line before so yes, I do need to know
your name. Please. This is so personal. I’m Honey and you’re . . .
Cleopatra. Thank you. Cleopatra, I can’t believe I’m calling you. But
I feel so bad I can’t stand it. It’s my debt. It’s like a load of cement
was poured on my head. A million dollars in student loans and I
can’t get a job. I feel like I’m going crazy, like I need to fake my own
death, run far away.
BEAU
Sometimes I want to run far away.
BUDDY
I’ll go with you. I mean, yeah. Been there.
HONEY
Have you been there? Messed up like me?
BEAU
I’m sorry to bother you with this, man.
HONEY
I’m sorry to bother you with this. You probably get calls from
people with way worse problems than mine, right? But I don’t have
anyone to talk to really. I don’t want my friends to know how much
trouble I’m in.
BEAU
He’s trouble all right. But he’s my dad. If he needs me, he needs
me. What can you do? Family is family.
HONEY
My friends are my family.
53.
BUDDY
Troubles. You know what makes them all better?
BEAU
Yeah. But it’s only a first date. I don’t know if she’ll go that far.
BUDDY
Weenie tart.
BUDDY and BEAU eat.
HONEY
Puss, she’s my best friend since freshman year in college. She loves
me, in her own crazy way. And Boots, he’s like my brother. But I
was the leader, I was the one who was supposed to succeed. I feel
so ashamed. I went on for all these degrees but I’m the loser. I
can’t tell my friends, they will be so worried about me.
BEAU
(phone rings, he answers it)
Hi Dad. What’s the matter?
(listens)
No. I don’t know where your tapioca is.
(listens)
I didn’t know we had tapioca. Doesn’t matter. I’ll find it when I get
home. I have to go. I’m on a date.
(hangs up)
BEAU (cont.) to BUDDY
Right? I’m on a date.
BUDDY
Right.
HONEY
Right.
(hangs up)
54.
SCENE 41
BUDDY is watching a Julia Child
cooking program, imitating her and
attempting to make the recipe.
BUDDY
Oh Julia, ma chère amie. I’ll never be as good as you are. Why oh
why does my Boeuf Bourguignon have this icky purple tinge when
yours is that lovely deep brown?
55.
SCENE 42
HONEY
I am sick of pricks. I am so tired of all these peckers in my life. I
want to stomp on the next penis I see . . .
BOOTS enters from bathroom.
HONEY (cont.)
Why are you always in my bathroom? Don’t you have one of your
own? I don’t want your penis in my bathroom.
BOOTS
My penis is free range, Honey. You can’t fence me in.
HONEY
I have no interest in your penis yet you continually wave it around
here.
BOOTS
I do not. I never bring it out where it’s not wanted.
HONEY
Out, in. What’s the difference. I know it’s there stuck on you. It’s
one too many penises in my space.
BOOTS
But you love me and all my wondrous parts.
HONEY
How did it come to this? A life-long card-carrying bona fide lesbian
my whole life. I hear men coming in my dreams. I can’t stand their
panting, moaning selves. I hate that they pay me to get them off.
Haven’t they ever heard of internet porn? Why why why do they
throw money at me so they can hear a fake British accent of a
Victorian sex worker? What is wrong with these men? Go look at a
swimsuit issue like a normal person. Stop tormenting me.
BOOTS
It can do tricks.
56.
HONEY
What?
BOOTS
Sit up. Roll over. Play dead. Shake hands.
HONEY
Eww.
BOOTS
What can yours do? Huh?
HONEY
Shut up. I’m telling you that if all the penises on all the men in all
the world shriveled up and disappeared, I would be so so happy.
No more ding dongs. No more baloney ponies. No more salamis.
No more meat popsicles.
BOOTS
I love salami. And baloney. Why are penises so often called forms
of lunchmeat anyway? Someone should research that.
HONEY
I need a job. I need to get off this phone. I am a Ph.D. and that
does not stand for Phone Dominatrix.
BOOTS
What about –
HONEY
(sternly)
- raise your hand to ask a question in my classroom please.
BOOTS
Professor, what exactly do you have against the innocent funloving penis?
57.
SCENE 43
In both apartments
HONEY opens door to unseen
delivery person. One small bag of
takeout food is delivered and she sits
and eats.
BUDDY opens door to unseen
delivery person. Many, many, many
bags of groceries are delivered.
58.
SCENE 44
BOOTS
Last night I met the man of my dreams, Trevor. We danced all
night. Picture this, our shirts off, rubbing up against each other on
the dance floor, sweaty but not stinky sweaty, our nipples
sending electric shocks to each other, all leading up to the
magnificent climax when our lips almost meet HONEY
- wait, what happened to Chuck?
BOOTS
Who now?
59.
SCENE 45
In both apartments
BUDDY hands SISSY giant bags of
garbage. She struggles with them
while exiting.
HONEY hands BOOTS small bag of
garbage which he takes while exiting.
60.
SCENE 46
BUDDY
Spin the magic wheel of dating sites and where does it land
tonight. Our lucky bachelors are coming live from . . . JDate.
Sounds easy: answer a few questions, describe yourself, and post
up to four fabulous photos. Within minutes, you're on the scene!
I’m a wee tad nervous about the questions. I bet this is where they
weed the Jews from the Jewannabees, the Jew Lites from the real
deals.
The fabulous photos of her I can get. The credentials to go with not so much.
Oh My God, they have a Matzah Ball. Fabulous, how fun is that. I
want to go. I want to go. I mean I want her to go.
61.
SCENE 47
In both apartments
BUDDY (to SISSY)
(Indicating food)
Covered in chocolate!
BOOTS (to HONEY)
(Indicating his body)
Covered in chocolate!
62.
SCENE 48
HONEY
Non-Tenure Track Literature Professor. Requirements: Ph.D. in
English Literature; extensive teaching experience required in a
collaborative environment; outstanding research skills; second
Ph.D. preferred; ability to deliver a lecture in five languages
without translator; have published at least 3 top selling textbooks
with movie rights. AND must be able to lift at least 76.5 pounds
from a squatting position.
63.
SCENE 49
HONEY opens the door to find PUSS
and BOOTS dressed in Halloween
costumes. BOOTS wears skimpy
leather thong.
PUSS and BOOTS
Come to the parade, Trick or Treat.
HONEY
Smell my feet.
(slams door)
64.
SCENE 50
SISSY is in BUDDY’s bathroom.
BUDDY
(knocking on bathroom door)
Trick or treat. Smell my feet.
SISSY
Why do they say that anyway?
BUDDY
Get out of my bathroom, will you please? You’ve been in there for
an hour. Why don’t you use your own bathroom?
SISSY
I need you to zip up my costume after I finish my makeup. Then I
need you to come with me.
BUDDY
Stay home with me. I have homemade s’mores for the trick-ortreaters. Much more fun than that stupid Gay Halloweenie Parade
with all those half naked boys with their perfect little bodies
shaking their tiny little booties in leather thongs. Right here is the
true spirit of Halloween, innocent little children dressed up like
serial killers, panhandling for sweets like professional beggars.
SISSY enters. BUDDY zips her up.
SISSY
I love those leather thongs so much. If you won’t come, that’s
more eye candy for me.
BUDDY
You couldn’t pay me to go out there where the twinkies do that
thing they do, that up and down glance and instant grading of your
body. You fail. You are not worthy of my eye contact, I will look
past you, you chubby loser. Who needs that. This is my kind of fun.
Loud knock on door.
BUDDY screams. SISSY is not afraid.
65.
SCENE 51
BUDDY is online dating, wearing her
blouse and a wig similar to SISSY’s
hair.
BUDDY
A girlie girl on a man hunt, am I. Not like a scary man hunt. Not like
one where guys move quickly away like you smell bad, which I do
not. This man will be happy to be captured. He will come willingly
when I — she — taps him.
Skype preferred? No way, Mister. I am so not Skyping in this getup.
Email only. No IM, no chat, I need time.
BUDDY clicks through online dating
photos.
Sad eyes.
Sure, you’re a doctor.
Why would you go online with a frown on your face? What is that
supposed to show a gal? Don’t expect a good time?
You’re so gay. Please, a cocked beret.
Excuse me, did you forget something? Wedding band.
Too smart.
Your Mom helps screen your applicants? There are no words.
Too smart.
Way too smart.
You’re cute but your room is ugly beyond belief.
Tie.Me.Down142. No.
66.
Too perfect. You are not real.
You are holding up a bong. What the fuck is wrong with you? A
bong on the first date. Even before the first date? What’s that, a
signal to bring your own drugs? See she might pick him. She might
think he looks fun. He’s honest, tells you right up front he’s a
stoner loser. She’s a magnet for those kind of guys. Alcoholism, jail
time, drug use, chronic unemployment, married, big fat liars - she
has the worst taste in the world. So I’m going to do the initial
intake for her and only present her with the good guys.
Where are the good guys. The happy regular guys. The ones who
like to cook and laugh and eat. The ones who talk and listen. A guy
who’s happy to wake up in the morning. A guy who looks on the
inside, for all the special beautiful qualities, not only at how tight a
guy’s jeans are. Where’s that guy?
BOOTS knocks on door. BUDDY
opens it.
BOOTS
Remember me? Boots? You fed me bacon last week?
BUDDY
Can I help you?
BOOTS
I’m so hungry.
BUDDY
You can look in my fridge.
BOOTS
You’re the dreamiest.
BUDDY remembers he has women’s
blouse on and starts to take it off.
67.
BOOTS (cont.)
Whoa, slow down, dude. I wasn’t making any overtures. When I
said hungry, I meant literally hungry as in I danced all night and
haven’t eaten since yesterday morning. I’m very flattered but --BUDDY
I wasn’t.
BOOTS
My friend is waiting for me next door. The foodless house. Thanks
for the snackie.
BOOTS exits.
BUDDY
I haven’t been outside in months and I still manage to get a
personal rejection from a guy. It’s a gift.
68.
SCENE 52
HONEY is watching PUSS and BOOTS
tell a story like it's a soap opera on
TV. She's eating popcorn.
BOOTS
And then that big queen Ralph came over . . .
PUSS
Then Ralph went to pour the pitcher of martinis but he went
(mimes falling)
And it landed right on top of the Drag King during the floor show.
His fake mustache came flying off, he got drenched, it was like a
wet T-shirt contest but he really didn’t want his boobs to show, he
was all
(mimes)
and then Ralph was all
(mimes)
it was hysterical.
BOOTS
Then the Drag King pushed Ralph right over onto the Mayor's lap.
PUSS
Who was laughing so hard he wet his pants. I swear to god.
BOOTS
He kept screaming I wet my pants, Stop making me laugh, I wet my
pants.
PUSS
His bodyguards were giggling like little girls.
BOOTS
What a night.
PUSS
Then I met Isabel in her leather pants and enjoyed getting her out
of them back at her place afterwards.
HONEY
Wow. I am so glad you guys went. I knew you’d love it.
69.
BOOTS
You should have been there.
PUSS
Should have been there.
70.
SCENE 53
In both apartments
HONEY is cleaning and dusting while
talking to a client.
BUDDY is comforting SISSY who is
the bathroom crying.
BUDDY
There there.
HONEY
There. There. Right there. Sir Rupert, you’re such a fine horseman.
I’m loving the ride. Bouncy bouncy.
BUDDY
Don’t cry.
HONEY
Faster. Don’t stop.
BUDDY
Please stop.
HONEY
Come. On.
BUDDY
Come on.
HONEY
You’re almost there.
BUDDY
I’m right here.
HONEY
I’ll help you.
(makes orgasm-y sounds)
71.
BUDDY
I’ll help you.
HONEY
OK!
BUDDY
It’s going to be okay.
72.
SCENE 54
BUDDY
(tentatively)
Big Lou, that’s a good alias for me. Get in there for me, Big Lou.
Spread your big Lou self all over GayManDate.com. Comparative
research, that’s all I’m doing. I’m good at being a woman. Am I
good at being a man? In and out. In and out. In and out, I tell you.
WHAT? Seventeen matches for me? Within .2 miles of my exact
location?
(furtively clicking on matches)
Oh. Oh my. You look good enough to eat.
I recognize you. Ah HAH. The universal match. You come up on all
the straight sites, now here you are on GayManDate.com. You liar.
I’m reporting you . . . somewhere.
Are you my man?
Are YOU my man?
Oh please, say you’re my man, number 12.
73.
SCENE 55
HONEY
Puss, I can’t. I can’t date anyone right now. My brain is exploding.
My life is on hold. I don’t even know my own name. I’ve been on
129 pre-interviews, 29 first interviews, 2 second interviews, ½ of a
3rd interview. All by phone or Skype. I’ve had my suitcase packed
for six months just in case. But no one even wants to see me in the
flesh. No offers. No one wants me. Why should she want me? I
don’t care how great she is . . .
How great is she?
PUSS
Three little words. Podiatrist. Gorgeous. Fun.
HONEY
She sounds so great.
PUSS
I can have her over here in a flash and let the games begin. Can
you imagine the foot action you’re going to get?
HONEY
No don’t you dare. Please Puss, I’m begging you. I’m so fucked up. I
have to stay focused. I have to get myself together.
(crying)
I have to. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
PUSS hugs HONEY.
74.
SCENE 56
SISSY
I'm worried about you. When's the last time you left this
apartment? What's wrong with you? Are you becoming an
agricultaphobic or something?
BUDDY
Farm cults? You think I'm afraid of farm cults?
SISSY
Farms and cities and people and everything in between. I think
you're afraid of everything.
BUDDY
Am not.
SISSY
Are too.
BUDDY
I'm not agoraphobic. I'm only afraid of one thing. THE VORACIOUS
CARNIVOROUS PREDATORS in this city. It's all over the news. Didn't
you see the video of the hawk that swooped down right in the
middle of Market Street and ripped a live pigeon apart, ate it live
on the air. It's a nature crisis out there, we got foxes swimming
down the river and wolf dogs roaming the city parks, we got bears
breaking into grocery stores and walking right down the aisles.
SISSY
You worry about every little thing. You have to get out there.
BUDDY
A hawk snatching my eyeball out of my head is not a little thing. A
pack of wolves chasing me down the street is not a little thing.
SISSY
They make glass eyeballs you know. And why would wolves chase
you anyway.
75.
BUDDY
Because I'm a tasty morsel, that's why.
SISSY
Only if you put bacon in your pocket.
BUDDY
You're worried about me, you don't have to worry about me. I'm
sitting pretty right here. I've got everything I need. I'm worried
about you. You need to meet a good guy for a change. You need to
stop dating losers and chumps and jerks. I can’t stand to see your
heart broken one more time. I can’t stand to watch you crying. You
need to date a guy who knows how special you are.
SISSY
You need to date. Period.
BUDDY
I know what I need. Aren’t you late for work? When you leave,
take the trash with you.
SISSY
See that's what I mean, you don't even go down the hall to put the
trash in the garbage chute, do you?
BUDDY
Why should I? I have my little sissy to do that for me.
SISSY
I'm not doing it any more. GET OUT THERE.
BUDDY
You have to. You promised.
SISSY
I did not.
BUDDY
Did to.
76.
SISSY
DID NOT.
BUDDY
I hate you.
SISSY
I hate you more.
BUDDY
I'm telling.
SISSY
You tell on me, I tell on you.
BUDDY
Except there's no one to tell anymore.
77.
SCENE 57
HONEY is opens the door to PUSS
who is dressed as a Victorian sexpot.
HONEY
You go out dressed like that?
PUSS
I thought you'd LOVE this!
HONEY
I thought you got paid to deliver costumes, not dress up in them.
PUSS
You should pay me for this one. I’m like a walking billboard for your
business. Hey, want me to hand out flyers or anything? Your
business card?
78.
SCENE 58
BUDDY is cooking, bacon draped
everywhere.
BUDDY
It's Bacon Fest! Happy times. 101 new uses for bacon. A bacon
cake decorated with bacon strips. A bacon breakfast shake. Bacon,
you are my sun, moon, and stars. Bacon, I am your humble subject.
BOOTS knocks on door.
BOOTS
Please sir, may I have some bacon?
79.
SCENE 59
BEAU
You’re a computer guy, right?
BUDDY
That’s me.
BEAU
I’m a hardware guy myself.
BUDDY
Nuts and bolts . . .
BEAU
There’s a lot more to it than that.
BUDDY
Tell me all about it.
BEAU
Keys. That alone . . . geez. I could tell you key stories you would not
believe. People act crazy with their keys. Some people have to
have like 25 extra keys. Can you believe that? What the hell do you
do with 25 extra keys?
BUDDY
Beats me.
BEAU
Oh God. This is why I never . . . I go on and on about stupid shit like
keys. Who wants to hear about keys? I am a fucking moron.
BUDDY
You are not.
BEAU
Keys. Jesus Christ.
80.
SCENE 60
In both apartments
HONEY
Associate Professor of Victorian Literature. Must speak fluid
Icelandic. Dammit.
BUDDY
Desperately seeking skilled skateboarder for long term . . . Dammit.
HONEY
Instructor of English Literature. Must enjoy prison atmosphere.
BUDDY
Looking for marathon runner mate for the long race we call life.
HONEY
Adjunct instructor to teach the Victorian novel. This course is
conducted on horseback. Must be certified at dressage and have
demonstrated equestrian skills.
BUDDY
Wanted: polyamorous AND glamourous.
HONEY and BUDDY throw or kick
something in their apartments.
81.
SCENE 61
HONEY wears sweat pants and a
corset. She opens door to PUSS who
wears a crazy snow hat.
PUSS
Still dressed for success, I see.
HONEY
You go out dressed like that?
PUSS
Have you even noticed it’s winter out here? How long have you
been holed up in here? Anyway, I look superb.
HONEY
If you say so.
PUSS
Sweat pants. You are a bad bad lesbian.
82.
SCENE 62
BOOTS
So Heinrich and I went to the Club last night . . .
HONEY
Wait, I thought you were dating Jud the Stud.
BOOTS
I do NOT know who you are talking about.
83.
SCENE 63
HONEY is interviewing with a panel of
students for the Jesus on High
Christian University job in Dung,
Alabama.
HONEY
Hey to you too, Jesus on High Christian University. Uhh, I guess,
yes, you can call me Honey. If that’s okay with school protocol. If
all the other professors go by their first names. Do you students
call the other professors by their first names?
JUNIOR
Honey, I’m home. Ha ha ha.
HONEY
Dr. Honey. Let’s start with Dr. Honey at least until I have the job.
And may I have your name please?
JUNIOR
I’m Junior. I’m the president of the student body and I have a
question for you. Have you accepted Our Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ as your personal best friend in the sky?
HONEY
Junior, I believe that religion is a deeply personal, deeply deeply
deeply private ecstatic experience.
JUNIOR
But have you accepted Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as the love
of your life, maker of the stars in the sky and the grains of sand on
the beach and Jello shots and joints as big as cigars and choco chip
cookies and Starbucks triple espressos?
HONEY
There’s a lot of static. I can’t hear a word you’re saying. Let me talk
for a while. Maybe you can hear me better than I can hear you. I
have a passion and I want to share it with you students. I have a
passion for literature. I have a burning desire to excite
84.
HONEY (cont.)
students about how people lived in other times, to bring literature
and the classics alive, to change lives through reading and
experiencing literature.
JUNIOR
Yeah, we don’t like that.
HONEY
Don’t you have interview questions that your hiring committee
chair gave you? Don’t you want to ask me my teaching style and
my areas of research?
JUNIOR
Dude, I don’t even know why I’m here. When you’re student body
president, you get hauled out all the time to do all kind of things. I
got homework too. They don’t even care. I got this job because I’m
very pious and popular. But you know I have things to do. I have to
keep a C-minus average or else.
HONEY
Is there anyone else there I can talk to?
FAITH
I’m here. Miss Faith, president of the Chastity Alliance.
JUNIOR
Ha ha ha.
HONEY
Very pleased to meet you, Miss Faith. I look forward to your
questions and getting to know your student body and what they’re
all about.
JUNIOR
She’s got quite a bodacious student body, that’s for sure.
FAITH
Ignore him. Shut up, you moron.
85.
JUNIOR
I saw you with Chuckie Amoroso last night. Are you sure you’re still
qualified to be the president of the Chastity Alliance?
FAITH
I’m going to punch you in the face if you don’t shut up this minute.
Please excuse Junior here, he don’t know how to act. Even though
he thinks he’s so cool and sophisticated wearing clothes he orders
from Bulgaria or something just because nobody here even knows
where Bulgaria is.
HONEY
Excuse me? You were just about to interview me.
FAITH
I know. I’m doing it.
Our primary concern here at Jesus on High is the spiritual guidance
we get from the adults who surround us. We are looking not for
intellectual fervor but for Godly fervor, a passion for the Lord’s
Way and like that kind of stuff.
HONEY
I’m fucked.
FAITH
Beg your pardon.
HONEY
I’m fucked big time.
FAITH
What’s it like?
HONEY
Being fucked?
FAITH
Yes, what’s that like anyway.
JUNIOR
Like you didn’t find out last night.
86.
HONEY
Take my advice, never get started with sex, Ms. Chastity Alliance,
because once you do, you won’t be able to get it out of your mind.
You want to touch, kiss, roll around, feel her whole smooth
gorgeous skin against yours, take her in your mouth. You won’t be
able to stand the weeks and months that go by without it.
JUNIOR
Her?
HONEY
I blew it.
JUNIOR
What, you blew her?
FAITH
Oh my.
HONEY
What are you going to tell the hiring committee about me?
FAITH
You said the F word. You are not so chaste.
JUNIOR
Pot calling the kettle black if you ask me.
FAITH
Nobody asked you nothing, Junior. And my first time is not going to
be with the likes of Chuckie Amoroso.
HONEY
But if you get to know my scholarship, my teaching ability, my
research. And I can throw a vase like nobody’s business. Oh what’s
the use. I wouldn’t last two minutes there even if I did get the job.
FAITH
Sorry.
HONEY
Yeah, sorry is my middle name. Good bye.
87.
JUNIOR
Bye Honey.
88.
SCENE 64
BUDDY is dressing to go out, trying
on and discarding many clothing
items and accessories.
Too fat.
Too bald.
Capris. That’s right. Show off your fat calves in a gay bar.
No can zip.
No can button.
The last time I wore this, Clinton was President.
I need a muumuu to cover this fat ass.
That’s it. I look like Frump of the Month in this.
BUDDY gives up and sits down.
89.
SCENE 65
HONEY opens the door to PUSS who
is dressed like a cowgirl. PUSS tries to
lasso HONEY out the door.
PUSS
Come on, cowgirl. Let’s go rustle up a perty woman for you.
HONEY
What about you?
PUSS
I already got me one on the way over. Yahoo!
90.
SCENE 66
BEAU
I can’t.
BUDDY
You have to.
BEAU
I’ll take her there but I can’t do more.
BUDDY
You’re just going to stand there and what - watch her dance with
other guys on our date? I mean your date.
BEAU
Best I can do.
BUDDY
No. That won’t work, man.
BEAU
What am I supposed to do? She’s going to come out of that
bathroom any minute and we’re going dancing. But I can’t dance.
At all. So what am I supposed to do?
91.
SCENE 67
BUDDY is wearing the mask of a
female comic book character.
BUDDY
Comic-Con Speed Dating. God help me. I’m going in.
92.
SCENE 68
HONEY
Assistant Professor, Tenure Track, Victorian Literature and
Women's Sexuality. Supervises pottery studio. YES. It's got my
name written in giant capital letters all over it. Where is it?
Where is my new home? Dildo, Newfoundland. No one would ever
find me there. I bet Dildo's lovely this time of year. I'm going for
the Dildo.
93.
SCENE 69
SISSY enters from bathroom.
BUDDY
I had to pee in a red Solo cup.
SISSY
That’s disgusting. Why didn’t you just knock on the door and tell
me you had to go?
BUDDY
I’ve been knocking for hours.
SISSY
Isn’t that funny. I didn’t hear a thing.
BUDDY
Hilarious. Why don’t you go camp out in someone else’s
bathroom?
SISSY
There is no one else and you know it.
(crying, exits to bathroom and slams the
door.)
94.
SCENE 70
PUSS and BOOTS are ending a story
to HONEY.
PUSS
Remember? That’s how we became known as Puss and Boots.
BOOTS
And we lived happily ever after.
95.
SCENE 71
BUDDY
What do we think about Christian Singles Mingle? My sister and a
Christian single man. A Christian single straight man. Let’s face it.
Real Christian single straight men are all snapped up
by 21. Then for the few older ones that got away from the first
round, those church ladies fix them right up right quick with their
nieces or cousins. So I’m betting the only Christian singles
left to online dating are really Christian closet cases.
(imitates Christian closet cases)
I try. I go out on date after date. But I can’t find me a good
Christian wife. So I’ll keep going to bachelor parties and having a
great time, trying to keep my spirits up. You know I don’t drink, so
when the bachelors start to lose consciousness, I’m right there
holding on to them for dear life so they don’t fall out of bed in that
hotel room far far from home. I undress them, put them under the
covers. I handle everything, every beautiful part of them, my
buddies. Yes I do.
(stops imitating)
No Christian singles. She wouldn’t know what to do with one
anyhow, if there was a real one.
eHarmony. No. They hate gay people.
How about Cupid Come and Get Me. The best dating site on earth.
The Google of online dating. FREE. That’s good. Let’s get started. I
am female, straight, single. Here we go.
Age, height, weight, build . . .thank god they don’t ask IQ.
SISSY enters.
BUDDY
Ooh, I'm glad you're here. I need some information from you.
SISSY
Okay, sure.
96.
BUDDY
How much do you weigh?
SISSY
Who wants to know?
BUDDY
Insurance company.
SISSY
Make up a number.
BUDDY
Build?
SISSY
Build what?
BUDDY
Your build.
SISSY
6th floor.
BUDDY
Job title?
SISSY
Relaxing Specialist.
BUDDY
That’s new. What do you do exactly?
SISSY
Put lavender oil on people at the spa and scream BREATHE
BREATHE BREATHE at them.
BUDDY
You scream BREATHE at them.
SISSY
Scream or whisper. It's up to me.
97.
BUDDY
A lot of power.
SISSY
And a little toga to wear.
BUDDY
Dream vacation?
SISSY
Why?
BUDDY
In case I die and you get all my money
SISSY
Planet of the Apes.
BUDDY
What?
SISSY
Don't you just love how ape moms pick fleas off the babies and eat
them? I want to be shot up in a rocket and land on The Planet of
the Apes.
BUDDY
It’s a movie. It’s not a real planet.
SISSY
It is so. Where do you think apes come from anyway?
BUDDY
AFRICA, they come from AFRICA. The Planet of the Apes is just a
movie.
SISSY
Are you sure? I thought it was like up near the moon. That’s real,
right?
BUDDY
Oh god. Favorite movie?
98.
SISSY
Planet of the Apes.
BUDDY
Favorite book?
SISSY
The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories.
BUDDY
You aren't a lesbian.
SISSY
There’s a beautiful horse on the cover.
BUDDY (aside)
Hobby: avid horsewoman.
SISSY
You’re talking very funny today. You need to get up from those
computers.
BUDDY
Favorite song?
SISSY
All My Exes Live in Texas.
BUDDY
Favorite TV show?
SISSY
What is all this? Are you losing it? Is your boss making you work
24/7 again? Just because you are stuck here inside that doesn’t
mean you are at his beck and call all night long, anytime he has a
thought. It’s crazy. If you figured out how much you make and
multiply that by how many hours a day you work, you’d see you
hardly make any money at all.
BUDDY
Divide, not multiply.
99.
SISSY
No matter how you slice it up, you come out the loser in that deal.
BUDDY
Who inspires you?
SISSY
Hey, I know this girl named Inspire.
BUDDY
Quick - name 3 short term goals.
SISSY
Your head might explode if you keep this up.
BUDDY
One goal.
SISSY
To knock on your door and have you not be in here to answer it.
100.
SCENE 72
BUDDY is looking at online dating site
picture.
BUDDY
Do you really think you're going to meet someone with a picture
like that, PoodleLover618? Holding your dogs up to your ears like
they're earmuffs? Boy, you look like you're the meat in a poodle
dog sandwich.
101.
SCENE 73
HONEY
Go on. I want to hear everything about it.
PUSS
So there were all these lesbo yoga girls there who think it’s healthy
for mind, body, and spirit to have like a dozen orgasms every day.
You can’t even imagine, girlfriend. I saw things last night I couldn’t
have made up. A yoga orgy. They are very twisty bendy people,
those yogis with their yonis.
More yonis than you could shake a stick at. They were like the
Vulva is Sacred. Oooh, bow down to the sacred Vulva. Here a yoni,
there a yoni, everywhere a yoni yoni.
HONEY
I think I’m going to pass out.
PUSS
I’m keeping up the pressure until you get the hell out of here.
HONEY
I can’t. I can’t. I really really can’t.
PUSS
I don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with you. Get up. Fling
open the door. Come on. Come out with me.
HONEY
So many vulvas . . .
PUSS
Low hanging fruit. Yours for the taking.
HONEY
I really wish I was more like you. But I made a vow. I’m not leaving
here until I have a job. A real job. A professorship. A salary.
Benefits. An office on a campus. Students sexually harassing me.
I’m going to be a great teacher. I don’t care where it is. I’m going
for the gold. If I can just hold on.
102.
SCENE 74
BUDDY is talking on the phone.
BUDDY
Hey, my man. Yeah, I'm coming out. Man Dance. For sure. Uh can
you pick me up? Drop me off after? Come on. I know it's only four
blocks to the Man Dance. I want a ride. What time are you
leaving? No. No, my leg isn't broken. No, I don't plan to drink until I
fall down. I just need a frigging ride. Yeah, there and back. Stop
with the questions. Give me a ride please.
(pause)
No. Too late. Forget it. I'm not going. Okay, bye.
103.
SCENE 75
PUSS and BOOTS are now a team
playing Scrabble against HONEY.
PUSS
(putting down many letters on Scrabble
board)
SupercalifragilisticSEXpialidocious
BOOTS
That will be 285 points for the win.
HONEY
You cheaters.
PUSS
We want to go out. We’re not cheating, we’re expediting.
HONEY
Why are we friends?
PUSS
Because you are extremely fortunate.
104.
SCENE 76
SISSY is teaching relaxation skills to
BUDDY.
SISSY
Relax. Relax. Reeeeelaaaaaaax. All you have to do is pinch one
nostril closed, breathe all the bad air out of you like this
(makes strange breathing sounds)
Now do all that but put your right leg over your neck at the same
time. Very relaxing, right?
BUDDY
(makes strange breathing sounds, tries and
fails to put leg over neck)
huhhhhhhhh
SISSY
That’s it. We’ll get you all relaxed, then send you out there.
If you can’t put your right leg over your neck, I have another
stretching and relaxing game you can do. I do it all the time at the
spa.
(sings and demos child’s game I’m a Little
Teapot)
I’m a little teapot short and stout, tip me over and pour me out.
BUDDY
That’s like a death sentence to a gay man, saying I’m short and
stout. You’re asking me to play a death game of humiliation and
horror.
SISSY
But don’t you want a great guy to tip you over and pour you out?
105.
SCENE 77
BOOTS
You’ll never guess.
HONEY
Uh - you met a guy?
BOOTS
Did Puss tell you?
HONEY
Nobody had to tell me. I’ve known you for ten years. That’s what
you do. You meet guys. It’s your avocation.
BOOTS
That’s not all I do.
HONEY
What else.
BOOTS
Oh I don’t know.
HONEY
You’re fabulous and you know it.
BOOTS
You got me there.
HONEY
So what’s his name?
BOOTS
Guess. He’s pretty famous. He’s pretty cute.
HONEY
One of the Jonas brothers
That Olympian who just came out
That guy who sat on the Mayor’s lap that time
TOM CRUISE!
106.
SCENE 78
BUDDY
(emailing BEAU)
Here’s a Google map to my apartment. I’ll buzz you in. So it’s a
date. 8 p.m. Saturday night. Finally, you’ll see that I really am the
beautiful blonde you met online.
Can’t wait to meet you in person, Beau. It’s been super getting to
know you virtually but there’s nothing like face-to-face, is there?
P.S. My fabulous brother Buddy might be there too.
107.
SCENE 79
HONEY is being interviewed by phone
by the university in Newfoundland. It
is the quickest interview in history.
HONEY
Yes, if hired, I agree to teach four undergraduate classes including
one evening class and to keep the pottery kiln fired up, night and
day.
I would totally be willing to eat codfish for breakfast, lunch, dinner
and snacks. No problem!
No, I do not require an additional snowmobile, one will be fine.
Yes, I absolutely CAN immediately relocate to Newfoundland, if
hired.
(listens)
Wait, what did you say? When’s the interview? What, this WAS the
interview?
108.
SCENE 80
BUDDY
(emailing BEAU)
Beau, I think it’s great that you live with your Dad and work in his
hardware store and take care of him, now that he’s lost his
marbles. Delete. I think you are so fabulously wonderful and a
warm caring human being. Delete.
I think you’d make a great husband, Beau. Delete. Delete delete.
Oh what the hell.
Beau, do you have any idea how special you are? Taking care of
your 80-year-old Dad adds to how amazing and wonderful you are,
it doesn’t take anything away. I’m so glad you told me. I’m
totally crazy about you and I can’t wait to meet you. I don’t care
that you can’t get out of the house much because he might burn it
down or fall down the basement steps. I get it. I don’t care. I want
to meet you and tell you in person how special you are. Yours,
Buddy. DELETE. Yours, Sissy
109.
SCENE 81
HONEY cautiously opens the door to
SISSY.
SISSY
Oh I'm sorry, I guess I knocked on the wrong door. My hat fell right
down over my eyes so I just knocked at the door I thought was my
brother’s. But you’re not in my brother’s apartment, right? You
can’t be. He never has company, just me. He lives somewhere
around here.
HONEY
That's all right. I’ve seen you go next door before. He lives right
there. Wow, you smell so good.
SISSY
I'm a relaxing specialist, that's why. One of my jobs anyway. I have
lavender slathered all over me. Do you want me to relax you?
HONEY
I can use it. I'm job hunting and my nerves are a mess.
SISSY
Let me sit on your lap.
SISSY sits on HONEY’s lap.
HONEY
Will your brother be looking for you any time soon?
SISSY
He doesn't know what time it is or what day it is. He lives and
breathes on those stupid computers. He hasn't been outside in
forever. I don't know what I'm going do about him. How do you
like my relaxing technique?
HONEY
I like it fine.
110.
SISSY
Now
(screams)
BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE.
111.
SCENE 82
BUDDY opens door slightly, chain is
still on it. BOOTS peers in, sniffing for
food. BUDDY slams door.
112.
SCENE 83
HONEY is reading The Big Book of
Lesbian Horse Stories. She is scantily
dressed and is humping the sofa like
she’s riding a horse.
PUSS enters.
PUSS
Excuse me. Would you like some privacy so you can finish up?
HONEY
(standing up)
I’m just . . . reading.
PUSS
I know a party in your pants when I see one. Carry on.
PUSS exits.
113.
SCENE 84
BUDDY
I can’t say that. That sounds stupid. I’m taking too long. He’s going
to think I’m stupid.
She’s stupid, I mean. I don’t want him to think she’s stupid.
I’m spelling too well. I can’t not spell well. She can’t spell worth
shit but let’s cross that bridge when we come to their first love
letters.
God, I’m sweating like a pig. Answer the question. He’s patiently
waiting.
Beau, I have been single and very desperately - delete - very alone
for five years now. I know you’re not supposed to be that honest
when you meet someone - you’re not supposed to say
things like how lonely you are, how cozy and comfortable and
deadening it is to be alone all the time, how you have always been
a loner and you guess you’ll die alone in a room like this,
talking in virtual land to people who may or may not be who they
seem. But I am what I seem and I’m ready to bust out of here,
that’s why I’m doing this very hard thing, reaching out my hand to
you through a cold computer screen and hoping you reach yours
out to me too.
Delete delete delete delete delete delete delete
Beau, I haven’t been dating lately so I’m a little out of practice.
Nothing tragic, just took a little break. How about you?
114.
SCENE 85
In both apartments
It is the middle of the night. BUDDY
and HONEY have insomnia. They
roam around their apartments
restlessly, trying to read, watching
TV, getting snacks and drinks, looking
out the window. Their actions reflect
a growing anxiety.
HONEY
FUCKING
BUDDY
INSOMNIA
115.
SCENE 86
BUDDY
Oh Mama, get a load of him. I believe we have a winner. Her
dream beau. And his name is Beau for real. It’s an omen. Hello
Beau. You look like her high school boyfriend Victor. Her sun,
moon, and stars. Her Planet of the Apes. Her world revolved
around him. The last nice guy she dated. He was marriage material.
He was the real deal. Then his stupid parents moved the family to
Costa Rica and she never saw or heard from him again. Maybe this
is a do-over. Beau, let’s get this party started.
First, I wink at him. Then we wait.
OMG OMG OMG he’s winking right back.
How am I? (Easy question, you can do this. Think like a girl. Think
like a straight girl.) Super! How about you?
What did I do today? Made homemade chocolate cupcakes with
fudge icing. (Men love cupcakes. Right now he’s smelling imaginary
cake and smiling.)
Do I like animals? Apes, I like apes. (I wonder if he thinks that
means super hairy men. Too late.)
So you have a dog named Lucky. (I love it.)
You work in a hardware store. (So perfect. You really are a regular
guy. A guy who knows about screws and lubricants. A guy who
knows how to handle his tools. You’re a good sized guy too. You
might even have a little poochy tummy. God I would love that so
much.)
Where do I work? A health spa. I’m a relaxation specialist. Former
illegal dental hygienist. (Don’t ask. Please don’t ask for details.)
Tell me about your family. (I am my sister. I am my sister.) I have
one brother, Buddy. He’s awesome beyond belief. Smart, some
116.
BUDDY (cont.)
say brilliant. Computer programmer to the stars. And handsome,
wow is he handsome. But that’s not important as what a great
brother he is. He’s all I have left of a family really. Such a great guy,
you would love him.
Beau, you have smiling eyes. You look like a happy man. (oh god I
hope it’s not because he’s high or he’s found the Lord.)
(We’ve been emailing for an hour. I have to gently detach. I don’t
want him to think I’m a loser with nothing else to do. What’s my
excuse?)
Beau, I’m hosting a dinner party tonight for 20 friends so I need to
go peel asparagus stems, scoop out the insides of 100 cherry
tomatoes, marinate the steaks, and rub soft butter all over the
baked potatoes.
Oops, I need to put some clothes on before my company comes.
(That ought to hold him.) Nighty night.
(signs off email)
I have met the man of my dreams. I love this man. Beau Beau
Beau. You’re perfect for . . . my sister.
117.
SCENE 87
HONEY
(talking on phone)
Thank you very much. I just faxed my signed contract over to you.
I’m looking forward to meeting you too. I’ll let you know my arrival
date after I book my flight. Thank you so much. Goodbye.
(hangs up phone)
PUSS enters.
HONEY
I got a job! A freaking assistant professorship! In Dildo,
Newfoundland.
PUSS
We have got to celebrate that big time. Dr. Honey of Dildo. Hey,
you got what you wanted. Now we can go out.
HONEY
I want to so bad.
PUSS
Let’s go. There’s this woman I know who owns the new lesbian bar
uptown and she’s dying to show me a good time. I’ll get you in.
HONEY
There’s just one thing.
PUSS
What?
HONEY
(looking out window)
There’s this little Japanese woman who’s been lurking outside all
day. Can we celebrate here, one last time? Please?
118.
SCENE 88
BUDDY makes out with BEAU’s
profile on computer screen, kissing
and caressing it.
BUDDY
Oh, Beau. My Beau.
Next, BUDDY sets up an elaborate
table for two pretending it’s their
first date.
BUDDY
Hope you like Boeuf Bourguignon and triple whipped potatoes.
And what have we here? Shrimp cocktail to start us off. For
dessert? Chocolate mousse par excellance. What?
(pretend listens)
Yes, I will marry you, Beau.
119.
SCENE 89
BUDDY
I told you. You’re going dancing.
SISSY
Where? What kind of dancing?
BUDDY
It doesn’t matter. You get to dance with the man.
SISSY
You’re being weird. Stop being so weird.
BUDDY
What? What am I doing?
SISSY
You’re all . . . excited. Stop it.
120.
SCENE 90
HONEY is unwrapping a present
BOOTS has given her. It’s a large
dildo.
BOOTS
I had to look all over to find one in the national colors of
Newfoundland.
121.
SCENE 91
BUDDY is answering BEAU’s online
question.
BUDDY
Did I love the Hardy Boys when I was a kid? Do I love the Hardy
Boys? Do you want to see my Hardy Boys tattoo? How about the
complete seasons of the TV show 1-3? How about my first edition
hardback?
(clutches book)
Be still, my heart. Beau, that clinches it. We are soul mates, bound
by the love of Frank and Joe Hardy, boy detectives.
122.
SCENE 92
BUDDY
Sissy, come out of the bathroom. He’s on his way up.
SISSY (from bathroom)
In a sec.
BUDDY
Do you really want to be coming out of a bathroom when he gets
here? What kind of a first impression is that?
SISSY
Very clean.
BUDDY
You’re not trying very hard to impress him. Well I am. I have 3
kinds of wine and a very special appetizer buffet for him. I couldn’t
decide so I made everything! Cheese puffs, hot nuts, weenie tart,
bacon-wrapped bacon, oyster fritters.
123.
SCENE 93
HONEY
Thank you for staying to celebrate my new job with me. I love you,
Puss.
PUSS
Love you too.
HONEY
It’s so late. I’ll watch out for you until a cab comes.
PUSS
Ciao ciao, Professor. Rest assured I will be visiting Dildo very very
soon.
HONEY watches out the window.
HONEY
Who’s on duty tonight? Big guy? Skateboarder? Fruit-eating
woman?
(doesn’t see anyone there)
There’s no one out there. That can’t be right. It must be some kind
of trick.
(still doesn’t see anyone there)
I don’t see anyone. OH MY GOD. Maybe the coast is clear. Can I
leave now? I can leave now. I can get the hell out of here.
HONEY pulls out her suitcase, already
packed and ready to go.
Goodbye captivity. Goodbye Victorian sex worker. Hello
Newfoundland and my whole new life.
124.
SCENE 94
BEAU enters.
BEAU
Hello, I’m Beau.
BUDDY
You take my breath away. I mean, I’m out of breath.
125.
SCENE 95
BUDDY is closing all his online dating
accounts.
BUDDY
Goodbye J-Date. Goodbye YourAmishMan.com. And the fondest of
farewells to you, Comic-Con Speed Dating.
126.
SCENE 96
HONEY has suitcase in hand, dressed
in coat and hat. She looks around the
apartment, stuffing a few last minute
small items in her handbag, then
exits.
BOOTS enters from HONEY’s
bathroom.
BOOTS
Honey? Puss? I go to the bathroom and they leave without me.
Honey never leaves. I can’t believe it. I was only in there a couple
minutes. Where is everyone?
127.
SCENE 97
BUDDY
(staring at a photograph of BEAU that he’s printed
out)
No, I love you more, you wonderful man. I love your dog Lucky too.
I love your hardware store and all its magical little drawers full of
nuts and bolts. I love your key stories. I love how you put
a key in that key machine and I love that sound it makes grinding
away until it’s perfect and you hold it up with such pride. I love
your butch shoes and your callused hands that have never seen a
manicure in their lives. I love your wrinkly old shirts. I love your five
o’clock shadow. I love your $10 haircut from a barber you’ve been
going to since you were 5. Oh I can tell. I know my man.
128.
SCENE 98
SISSY enters from bathroom,
interrupting BUDDY and BEAU who
are practicing dancing.
BUDDY
Sissy, this is Beau.
SISSY
Hi can you wait a minute? I have to go to the bathroom.
SISSY returns to bathroom.
BEAU
Do you think she likes me?
BUDDY
Who wouldn’t?
BEAU
I don’t mean to be a jerk. I know you’re her brother but man, I
gotta say she’s hot. Whoa. She knocks my socks off. If you know
what I mean.
BUDDY
She has many wonderful qualities.
BEAU
Yeah, I see two of them right up front.
BUDDY
Hey.
BEAU
I could have never gotten a date with a girl who looks like that in
real life. This online dating junk is awesome, dude.
129.
SISSY enters.
SISSY
OK let’s get out of here. I want to dance. Now that you got him all
warmed up for me.
SISSY and BEAU exit.
BUDDY watches them go, leaves door
open.
HONEY walks past him, suitcase in
hand.
BUDDY (to HONEY)
Hi, are you moving in?
HONEY shakes her head and hurries
by.
130.
SCENE 99
BUDDY dances alone in his
apartment, pretending that he is slow
dancing with BEAU.
131.
SCENE 100
In both apartments
BOOTS
Honey? Puss? You guys, you’re not playing hide and seek, are you?
I always hated that stupid game. I never find anybody. Honey?
Puss? Come out, come out, wherever you are.
BOOTS exits, is seen in the hallway
through BUDDY’s open door. BUDDY
holds the door open.
BUDDY
Boots. Hey, are you hungry? I’ve got hot nuts, cheese puffs, and a
bunch of other good stuff. Want to hang out?
BUDDY opens door widely.
BOOTS
For what?
BUDDY
Come on in. The water’s fine. The wine is extraordinary. The
appetizers superb.
BOOTS
Are you asking me out?
BUDDY
(beat)
Yes . . . I’m asking you in.
BOOTS
What do you mean? Is this a trick question?
132.
BUDDY
The trickiest.
BOOTS
I’m so hungry. My friends left me.
BUDDY
Oh yeah?
BOOTS
This always happens to me. I end up alone and hungry. Is this my
life?
BUDDY
You’re allowed to eat. You can have as much as you want.
BOOTS
You mean I can eat that, and that, and that? I can eat until I have
to unbutton my pants? I can sit there on your couch and stuff
myself and feel my stomach pop right out?
BUDDY
Oh yeah.
BOOTS
I don’t know.
BUDDY
Come on. I have all this food. Help me eat it.
BOOTS
(groans)
Sooooo tempting . . .
BOOTS stands in doorway, hesitating.
BUDDY
(almost to himself)
Come on. Take a chance.
133.
BUDDY leaves front door wide open,
sits down, waits.
END OF PLAY