8
THE ALGORITHM
By Julian Sheppard
Scene 2:
(Doug is shaking hands with Richard. They’re in a nondescript office.)
RICHARD
We are so thrilled you’re here!
DOUG
Not half as thrilled as I am.
RICHARD
And enthusiasm! Looking forward to finally getting started. Settled in? Apartment in order?
DOUG
It’s terrific. Very New York.
RICHARD
Terrific. In what way?
DOUG
Well, one of my windows looks out on a brick wall that’s barely a foot away. At first I was –
discouraged? But then I realized, No! Are you kidding? This is the way things are here, and
really, it’s how I always pictured New York, small, and a little dark, and - gritty. A brick wall?
This is the real thing.
RICHARD
I envy you. First few weeks in New York. Everything’s remarkable.
DOUG
Where are you from?
RICHARD
Far away. Feels like – two lifetimes ago. I don’t even know who I was back then anymore.
DOUG
That sounds –
RICHARD
Freeing. Yes? We received 8,796 applicants for your position.
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DOUG
Holy moly.
RICHARD
Mind you, 5,411 were instant deletions: terrible resume, spelling errors, criminal records.
DOUG
Understandable.
RICHARD
Indeed. That left us with 3,385 potential choices. 2,684 were weeded out due to incompatibility
with the specific requirements of the position. How many applicants does that leave?
DOUG
...701.
RICHARD
I like you. 482 didn’t pass the background check. Of the 219 remaining, seventeen were
eliminated strictly on failure of the smell test. All our 202 finalists were interviewed and tested –
DOUG
That exam was something –
RICHARD
You were our third choice.
DOUG
I’m number three!
RICHARD
We’re just so pleased we can finally begin.
DOUG
The both of us.
(beat)
RICHARD
I suppose you’re curious what the position entails.
DOUG
Well – sure.
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RICHARD
I know, the description is inscrutable. Necessarily so. Have to be careful, you understand.
DOUG
I understand.
RICHARD
How could you understand, you don’t know what the job is yet.
DOUG
Oh, I – I just imagine –
RICHARD
Don’t.
DOUG
I’m sorry?
RICHARD
Imagine. You were not hired for your imagination.
DOUG
Okay…
RICHARD
That sounded much harsher than I intended.
DOUG
No no it’s okay –
RICHARD
A key ingredient in your hiring was your clear lack of imagination. For you to develop one at
this juncture would be… unnecessary. Frankly, verging on breach of contract. Don’t take this as
a negative:.You wouldn’t be here today if you had an imagination. Capeesh?
DOUG
Yes?
RICHARD
It’s Italian for You got it, buddy?
DOUG
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Capeesh!
RICHARD
Any questions so far?
DOUG
...Where’s my office?
(Richard turns. A booth is revealed. Inside the booth are a wall of computer
screens. We may or may not actually see the wall. It is very impressive.
There are a constant stream of numbers running down the screens. The shape
of a man inside the room, back to us.)
DOUG
Whoa…
RICHARD
I know. First time I saw it…
DOUG
Is it always like this?
RICHARD
It is always like this.
(Enjoying this together, on a wavelength.)
RICHARD
Punctuality is crucial. You must always be on time.
DOUG
Always.
RICHARD
We unfortunately can’t do much about the occasional illness, but some helpful tips:
Always wear a scarf, scrub your hands with vigor, and avoid out-of-season fish.
DOUG
Excellent advice.
RICHARD
When you arrive in the booth, you will insert the earbuds and prepare to receive
instructions. The only voice you will respond to is mine.
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DOUG
What happens if you miss work?
RICHARD
I’ve been here 17 years, five months and twenty-four days. I’ve missed three days.
DOUG
Amazing.
RICJARD
Thank you.
(quick beat. Doug focuses on the numbers.)
DOUG
Richard, what are the numbers?
RICHARD
Doesn’t matter.
DOUG
No, I mean, what do they represent –
RICHARD
Doesn’t matter.
DOUG
I’m sorry, I’m – confused –
RICHARD
Doug. Don’t work yourself up. Knowing is like sprinkles – totally unnecessary and
costs you extra.
DOUG
But –
RICHARD
On your test. There was a question about how many boats you could see in an image.
(Richard waits for Doug to remember. Doug nods.)
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RICHARD
Which one do you think people missed?
DOUG
It’s – been a while –
RICHARD
Focus.
DOUG
…There was one in the lower right-hand corner. It was shaded so it blended into the
waves.
RICHARD
And this is why I have so much confidence in you. You’re not alone here. You’re
walking into a situation where every dilemma has been worked through for you.
DOUG
That’s impressive.
RICHARD
The company always takes care of its assets.
DOUG
Oh good –
RICHARD
We need you to be the best possible consumer you can be.
DOUG
Oh – okay - I was just/ curious –
RICHARD
/Remember the next question? “How does the image help you discern which of the
boats will reach its destination?”
DOUG
It doesn’t.
RICHARD
Exactly. D. The image is… irrelevant.
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(beat. Doug turns back to the numbers.)
DOUG
They are kind of. Beautiful.
(Richard puts his hand on Doug’s shoulder in agreement. LIGHTS SHIFT.)