Proven Tips, Tools and Tactics To Speak
Up and Confront Project Problems
Effectively
In a recent on-line poll
We asked people what they thought
was the biggest communication
problem.
 17% said cynicism and mistrust
 46% said poor communication skills
 14% said absence of communication
 23% said stubborn refusal to entertain other
perspectives
2
Five crucial conversations
Most problems get solved fairly quickly. Smart people
work together to put the problem behind them. But
when problems have become chronic, have resisted lots
of smart people and smart solutions, then the cause is
usually self-defeating patterns of behavior.
The research found that there are five crucial
conversations that are critical to the
success of most projects, and yet are
consistently avoided (flight) or done in
overly enthusiastic manner (fight or
violence)

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Self-defeating behaviors
Many people were raised to sweep conflict
under the carpet
 Some people's families do a lot of shouting
 Blow Up or Say Nothing: The NO-WIN
Formula –either way you loose

4
We need to ask ourselves
These are all important and yet difficult
conversations to have.
1. Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor?
2. Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and
inadequate resources?
3. Do we confront individuals (power mongers)
who are inappropriately influencing priorities?
4. Do we deal with ineffective or absent team
members?
5. Do we openly discuss problems before they
cause failure?
5
Take the conflict challenge test
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Is there tension in the air between you and another
person?
Are you very angry with someone but want to avoid a
fight?
Do you want to discuss issues with a colleague or family
member who is very reluctant to talk about problems?
Have you tried everything and have come to the point
where you want to give up on someone and write them
off as uncooperative?
Would you like to have a way of solving problems and
improving your relationship with someone, even if they
are difficult to deal with?
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How would you like to




Know when NOT to
pick a fight
Identify an issue worth
solving
Get ready to tackle a
conflict
Create common goals
worth pursuing



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Elegantly overcome
resistance and noncooperation
Calm negative
emotions quickly
Get what you need
and avoid the 2
Extremes Trap (fight or
flight)
You can win when you
Manage or neutralize your emotions
 Find out what is important to you and the
other person
 Solve the differences that divide you
 Reach a solution that you both want

8
Consider an easy to use process
1.
2.
3.
4.
9
Own feelings, notice – 1st
position
& Identify what reaction is
trying to tell you
Guess what’s motivating the
other person – 2nd position
Make a decision – 3rd
position (What are benefits,
risks, etc.?)
Follow a process of
managing the confrontation
conversation – 3rd position
First, Second, and Third Position
3rd:
1st:
Your Own
Point of
View
2nd:
The
Other’s
Point of
View
10
An Observer,
or the Fly on
the Wall View
Consider an easy to use process
1.
2.
3.
4.
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Own reactions, notice – 1st
position & Identify what
reaction is trying to tell you
Guess what’s motivating the
other person – 2nd position
Make a decision – 3rd
position (What are benefits,
risks, etc.?)
Follow a process of
managing the confrontation
conversation – 3rd position
Step 1: Own reactions, notice
1.
2.
3.
Start in 1st position
Notice your own internal
signals
Process of determining
what it is you want
If you don’t have an intention
or goal for a conflict
resolutions or fight it’s
very difficult for you to
achieve anything at all.
How do you figure out
what you WANT?
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Identify what’s important to you

Identify what is important and what you
want; once you’ve honored your
reactions the more likely it is that you’ll be
able to come up with a goal that’s equitable.
Once you’ve honor the reaction…you’ll
notice that you feel calmer inside and are
more able to deal with the situation.
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To figure out what you WANT…
What to ask your reactions
If Anger (also rage and fury)
What must be protected?
What must be restored?
Fear (Anxiety and Worry)
What action must be taken?
Confusion
What’s my intention?
Sadness
What must be released?
What must be renewed?
What must be mourned?
Grief
Depression
Why has my energy gone?
Where is it now?
Suicidal
What can no longer be
tolerated in my soul?
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What else to ask your reactions








Ask: What will happen if I do nothing about it?
Ask: What do I want? What do I want instead?
Why is that important?
Ask: What does it mean?
Ask: What do you what me to know?
Ask: Why is that important?
Ask: What do I want instead?
Ask: Why is that important?
Ask: What does having that do for you?
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Consider an easy to use process
1.
2.
3.
4.
16
Own reactions, notice – 1st
position & Identify what
reaction is trying to tell you
Guess what’s motivating the
other person – 2nd position
Make a decision – 3rd
position (What are benefits,
risks, etc.?)
Follow a process of
managing the confrontation
conversation – 3rd position
Step 2: Guess what’s motivating
them
3rd:
1st:
Your Own
Point of
View
2nd:
The
Other’s
Point of
View
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An Observer,
or the Fly on
the Wall View
Step 2: Move to
guessing what
might be
motivating the
other person.
Questions to consider









What might they be feeling?
What do they believe to be true?
If person is behaving like that what is it that they believe
that is causing them to act like that?
What would they need?
Why would that be important?
What do I have to offer them?
What might they be able to offer me?
What is important to me about the future of this
relationship?
Is this relationship important to me?
18
Consider an easy to use process
1.
2.
3.
4.
19
Own reactions, notice – 1st
position & Identify what
reaction is trying to tell you
Guess what’s motivating the
other person – 2nd position
Make a decision – 3rd
position (What are benefits,
risks, etc.?)
Follow a process of
managing the confrontation
conversation – 3rd position
Step 3: Decide whether or not to
have a conversation
3rd:
1st:
Your Own
Point of
View
2nd:
The
Other’s
Point of
View
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An Observer,
or the Fly on
the Wall View
Step 3: Move to
analyzing
whether or not
you really want to
talk to this
person
Questions to consider




What are the risks of talking to them? (“If I don’t
handle this properly…etc.”)
What are the benefits?
Check in with yourself…what do you really want?
It’s important to be clear on what it is you want?
Or, what is it that’s important to me?
21
Consider an easy to use process
1.
2.
3.
4.
22
Own reactions, notice – 1st
position & Identify what
reaction is trying to tell you
Guess what’s motivating the
other person – 2nd position
Make a decision – 3rd
position (What are benefits,
risks, etc.?)
Follow a process of
managing the confrontation
conversation – 3rd position
Step 4: Managing the conversation
1. Establish rapport
2. Make request
3. State benefit/problems solved
4. Summarize their response (need)
5. Restate your need (your needs are equal)
6. What can we do to meet these needs
7. Together, brainstorm & choose ways to implement
8. Select how you’ll both evaluate how’s it’s working
23
The Macho Test
Have I stated or implied in anything I’ve said or
done (or written) that…
1.
2.
3.
I know…something
you don’t know?…more than you do?
You are not completely perfect in everything you
do?
Someone else (like you, the messenger) is more
important than you are?
24
What to do if someone blames you
Let them vent
 Match their tone, not their intent
 Then, respond, putting it in the past…



…you think I haven’t been reasonable…
Then, ask: “Well, what is it that you need?”
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We need to ask ourselves
These are all important and yet difficult
conversations to have.
1. Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor?
2. Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and
inadequate resources?
3. Do we confront individuals (power mongers)
who are inappropriately influencing priorities?
4. Do we deal with ineffective or absent team
members?
5. Do we openly discuss problems before they
cause failure?
26
Consider an easy to use process
1.
2.
3.
4.
27
Own reactions, notice – 1st
position & Identify what
reaction is trying to tell you
Guess what’s motivating the
other person – 2nd position
Make a decision – 3rd
position (What are benefits,
risks, etc.?)
Follow a process of
managing the confrontation
conversation – 3rd position
An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions
by practicing for a week or more:
1. Monday lunch: other position, friend/spouse
2. Tuesday family: observer position
3. Wednesday alone: step into self
4. Thursday conversation: self, other, observer
5. Friday night public: who is in self, other, observer
6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow?
7. Sunday integration: maps of reality
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An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
1. Monday lunch: other
position, friend/spouse
Take on the attributes of this person. What
would they eat? What would they see,
hear, and feel?
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An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
2. Tuesday family: observer position
In an interaction with your family, note from
observer position the specifics of the
interaction. Notice your contribution.
What did you learn?
30
An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
3. Wednesday alone: step into self
Really notice what you see, hear, and feel,
and record what you learn
31
An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
4. Thursday conversation: self, other,
observer
During a conversation, shift between all 3
positions. What did you sense? What did
you learn?
32
An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
5. Friday night public: who is in self, other,
observer
In a shopping mall, for example, notice who is
in which perceptual position. How can
you tell. What is your position during this
activity?
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An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow?
How will you challenge yourself to grow in
these 3 different areas?
34
An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual
positions by practicing for a week or
more:
7. Sunday integration: maps of reality
People respond to their maps, not to reality.
How does this help you?
Many thanks to NLP Comprehensive
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An Action Plan for the Week
Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions
by practicing for a week or more:
1. Monday lunch: other position, friend/spouse
2. Tuesday family: observer position
3. Wednesday alone: step into self
4. Thursday conversation: self, other, observer
5. Friday night public: who is in self, other, observer
6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow?
7. Sunday integration: maps of reality
36