A
husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the
husband
said, "I'll bet you can't tell me something which will make me
happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "How much you're
willing to bet?"
"One hundred dollars!" said the boisterous husband.
"That's all?" inquired the wife.
"OK, two hundred."
"Not too sure of yourself, are you?" teased the wife.
Felling pretty good, the hubby announced,
"Five hundred!"
The wife twinkled her nose and calmly said, "Your pecker is bigger
than your buddy Ed Jones’s”.
H
CTRL and click HERE for nice
sight and sound
old down
A
lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she
took it back to the dealer, complaining that the radio was not
working.
"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is
completely automatic, voice commanded. All you need to do is tell it
what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.
She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded,
"Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the
sounds of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted
Beethoven; that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got
it.
Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled
out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small
sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly
missed a terrible collision. "Asshole", she muttered. And, from the
radio....... ....."Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United
States, George Dubya Bush...."
O
ne Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the
pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink
envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched
as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the
pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; What does he
do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian, " she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno ."
A
farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads
with him that he is graduating from school and would really like
to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and
points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on
the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a
car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation
and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a
new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that
tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging
him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted
with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and
promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that?
He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey,
nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
A
n old nun who was living in a convent next to a
Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the
workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich
in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where
the men were eating. She walked up to the group
and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and
yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?
The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."
M
aurie was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked
him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie. " As you know, she's
taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's
cut my sex down to once a week".
"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his
partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether
W
hen I was a little boy, my family was so poor that if I hadn't
been born a boy, I wouldn't have had any toy to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield.
T
he other day I came home and saw a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home unexpectedly early."
--Rodney Dangerfield.
A
sked little Mary's mother: "What did your father say when you
told him you're pregnant?"
Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied.
"Nothing."
S
cott was lamenting to the bartender that last night he happened
to meet his wife working in a
brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said,
"It's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well,
I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was
bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money
back and refused to give me another girl."
A
young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group
of
hookers.
Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say, "Hi there little boy!"
One day the boy stops
and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their
pinkies. She replies, "Well, that is what size we imagine your willy
to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI
THERE LADIES!
A
lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes
the physical she says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I
couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to
compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds
of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her private
area so clean and fresh." The patient says, "Well, there's a
perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a lady cleaner come in
three times a week."
A
man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you
how much I benefited from your treatment. The doctor replied;
but you are not one of my patients. The man said: I know. But
my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.
H
A
old down CTRL and click THIS (A Cool Machine, huh?)
die-hard fisherman called his guide on his cell
phone to make arrangements for the following day.
"I'm going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe," he said.
“Done”
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking
women waiting for him at the fishing lodge.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he asked his guide.
"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I
was in the bar and there was a great deal of
noise on the line. I managed to get a couple of
the local ladies, but what in the hell is a “panoe?"
A
husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife
looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "
WIFE: -- silence -HUSBAND: "Oh. Shit."
can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year
Q: How
old husband?
A
: Tell him you're pregnant.
A
Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are sitting in a
restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but
the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage."
The Texan asks, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian asks, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker asks, "What does 'excuse me' mean?"
A
huge Texan went up to the airline check-in counter
and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown,
spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas.
Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th'
top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I
hate the Irish."
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she
took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He
sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow
next to him, "howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled
B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot
3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head
to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
The little fellow turned to him, "well now, how d'ye
do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from
Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm
white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes,
except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled
B-R-O-W-N."
S
itting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their
habits partially blocking the view),
three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to
move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy says, "I think I'm going to move to
Utah , there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy speaks up also and says, "I want to go to
Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy says, " I want to go to
Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turns around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet
calm voice replies. . . . . . .
"Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any nuns there."
____________ ___
A
n old man and woman were married for many years, even
though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
heard deep into the night The old man would shout,
"When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back
and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,
because of the many strange occurrences
that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that
he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party,
as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and
out of the grave and
come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......."
IN THE NEWS:
I
n Austria, there is indeed a hamlet in a township called 'Fucking'
[48' 03"N 13' 51"E].
Pronounced "fooking," the little hamlet of Fucking is named after
the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.)
British tourists have left the residents of one charming Austrian
village offing and blinding by constantly stealing the signs for their
oddly named village.
While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of
Fucking are failing to see the funny side.
Only one kind of criminal stalks the sleepy 32-house village near
Salzburg on the German border - cheeky British tourists armed with a
sense of humor and a screwdriver.
But the local authorities are hitting back with the signs now set in
concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout.
"We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed," the officer
said.
"It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking
to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile."
Local tourist guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only the British
that had a fixation with Fucking. (And not the Italians?)
"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he
explained. "Every American seems to care only about 'The Sound of
Music' (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese
wants to see Hilter's birthplace in Braunau."
"But for the British, it's all about Fucking."
Guesthouse manager Augustina Lindelbauer described the village's
breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas. "Yet still there is this
obsession with Fucking," she said. "Just this morning I had to tell an
English lady that there were no Fucking postcards." Perhaps they will
leave our village signs alone if we issue our Fucking village postcards.”
O
n a hot summer day in Pennsylvania, a redneck came into town
with
his dog.
He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a
cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who
owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck
replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'ER tied
under the shade of the tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be
bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she's not hungry,
cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to
understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog!"!!!!
B
ob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was
looking really down in the dumps.
"What’s the matter?" Bill asked.
"I don’t get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so
confusing. There are so many dam people you have to
please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom
liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was
this other woman, both of her parents really liked
me, but SHE didn’t like me. And then there was this
woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her
parents seemed to really like me too, BUT her husband
couldn’t stand me!".
C
harlie, the Chinese Laundry-owner would go into Nick the
Greek's
restaurant every day for breakfast. Charlie always ordered the
same thing, "Two flied eggs."
After months of the same order, Nick said, "Charlie, you have
to honor the country you are living in. You have to learn to speak
the way American's do. I've only been here in the USA for a little
over four years and you can not tell my English from a native-born
American."
Well, Charlie got all sorts of mad at Nick and stormed out.
He didn't come back to Nick's place for almost a month.
When he finally did, Nick went over to Charlie saying, "I'm
glad to see you back Charlie. What will you have breakfast?"
To which Charlie answered, in very impeccable English, "Two
fried eggs." -- Then added, "You Gleek Plick."
A
t a U2 concert in Ireland to raise fund for Africa , Bono (the lead
singer) asks the audience
for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding
the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want
you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in
Africa dies."
A voice shouted from the back of the audience yells out...."Then stop
clapping, ya fooking U2 asshole!"
B
ubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The
morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done
everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him
over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought
Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and
said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to
town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
A
man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very
emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those
who'd been moved by the Lord to come forward.
The man had really been taken by the sermon and came
forward to shake hands with Graham.
When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands
up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and
waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes
on your body?"
The man replied, "The Lord did!"
"AMEN" shouted the congregation.
"My good man, who put food on your table?"
"The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted.
"AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response.
"My good fellow, who put that smile on your face
and a rosey look to your cheeks?"
"Reverend, it was the Lord!"
"PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered.
Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called
for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil
ever do for you?"
The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Screw him."
A
Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen.
He doesn't report it for 7 days.
When he finally goes to the police station to report,
the officer in charge says that since the loss occurred
over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border
and stripped for parts.
The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . .
. . . " Damn Canadians".
Click: SPEAKING.DEUTCH?
T
hree men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into
Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only
admit
33% of applicants today. The admission standard: Who died
the worst death? So St. Peter takes each of the three men aside
in turn and asks them about how they died.
FIRST MAN: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife
was
cheating on me. So, I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act.
When I got back to my apartment, I heard water running. My wife
Was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that anyone had been there. But the
last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard
hanging from the edge, trying to get back in!!"
"So, I started jumping up and down on his hands, he yelled,
but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed
his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming inagony. But the fall didn't kill the Son of a Bitch - he
landed in some bushes! So, I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen
(it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him."
"But then, I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
SECOND MAN: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.
Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another
balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull
myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his
balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I
screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally
stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this
hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was
dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my
second stroke of luck, but it didn't last long - the last thing I saw
was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down
on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and went to the third man.
THIRD MAN: "Picture this. You're hiding - naked - in a
refrigerator. ..."
A
marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a cofirmed
bachelor
for many years.
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one
you
need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and
be married
in no time!" says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who
look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world
cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!"
D
id you hear a terrible thing that happened to Henry?
one man in the country club locker room asked his partner.
"What?"
"He had a great round on Thursday, finished early, showered,
drove home, found his wife in bed with another man, and shot
them both!"
"Could have been worse."
"What do you mean?"
"If he'd finished early on Wednesday, he would have shot me!
A
plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant
and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he
summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked
pleasantly,
"how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because
I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like
a veritable bum ?"
"I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter.
"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "But I'm afraid
I'll have to trouble you again."
L
ittle Pauly comes home with a note from the teacher
and shows it to his mother. The note reads:
"Pauly is an intelligent little boy but spends too
much time with girls."
The following day Pauly goes to school with a note from
his mother to the teacher that reads,
"If you find a solution, please let me know. I have the
same problem with his father."
A
big fat woman on her way home from the market was carrying
a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey! where'd ja
get that pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no
pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the
duck."
A
substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard
she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest
tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks
up at the blackboard and written on it, it says,
"PAYS to ADVERTISE."
A
squad of Marines were driving up the highway between Basra
and
Baghdad.They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and
unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an
American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was
conscious and alert.
As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had
happened. The Marine reported; "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi
soldier."
"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of Shit,
and he yelled back: George Bush miserable piece of Shit'. "We were
standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
A
n older couple was lying in bed one night...
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt
romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to
hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a
second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used
to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck
on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to
nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
A
psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young
mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, let's get outa here."
F
ifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I
stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next
day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I
stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning I
stopped reading.
Y
oung Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go
down over the western hills, Bill spied his prize bull humping one of his
cows.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the
omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do
what that bull is doing."
Mabel leaned toward him and whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your
cow!"
A
man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to
see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a
laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."
"Hah, you fortune tellers are a sham," said the man scornfully.
"I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what *you* think..."
A
5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their
bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5-year-old,
"I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm going to say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old
what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern
voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass
it won't be Cheerios!"
A
over.
woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off
the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette.
Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend saying he's coming
She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs
the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage,
and gets back into bed.
>From under cover, the parrot mutters,
"Well that was a short ass day!"
A
drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how
long the
trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork
and Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours,
laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New
Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and
Christmas!"
____________ ___
A
well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses
that
showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed
the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for
sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising
it."
___________
M
ike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in
a cage hanging outside.
As he approached, the parrot said, "Hello. What's your name?"
"Mike," responded the young man.
Several days later, Mike again approached the pet shop.
"Hello, Mike." said the parrot.
Mike was amazed, and decided to go inside and buy the bird.
The clerk told him the parrot was not for sale.
"I really want that parrot," said Mike. "Name your own price."
The clerk saw an opportunity to make some money, so he told Mike,
"I can't sell Polly because she belongs to the owner. But I can
get you some of her eggs. They're $100 each, and you'll have
to come back after hours so I can sneak them out to you."
Mike orders 1/2 dozen eggs and agrees to come back later that night.
The clerk decides to gather a mixture of different eggs to increase the
likelihood of having
some of them hatch, and when Mike comes back that night - he sells
him the 6 eggs.
A couple weeks later the eggs hatch - but instead of parrots,
Mike has a baby chicken, turkey, duck, goose, owl, and a robin.
The following week he once again approaches the pet shop.
"Hello, Mike," says the parrot.
"Don't you talk to me, you slut." responds Mike. "You'd sleep with
anything."
____________ ______
A
loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding
anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of
champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the
husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully,
have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I
have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was
back when we were first married. You needed open heart
surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed
with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I
should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you
desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you
over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the
President and he gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then
again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third
time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to
become president of the Golf Club, and you were shorting 53 votes..."
____________ _____
"M
iss Johnson. I see under 'Experience' you only have clerical
type work listed," said the executive. "Why exactly do you
feel you're qualified to manage a department store such as
ours?"
"Easy..." the pert lil' blonde replied. "At least twice a
week, my former boss would call me into his private office
and give me the business."
L
ate at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of
water
from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a
second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to
speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've
got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with
the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right
back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?"
the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I
nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the
landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the
woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right
down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he
shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he
asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my
wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't
realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says to the cop, "Neither did I till you
switched on that damned light."
A
n elderly couple is watching Jim Bakker, the
preacher, on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera
and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone
watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the
other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will
heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she
places one hand on the television and the other hand on her
stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one
hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his crotch.
With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing
the sick, not raising the dead."
S
ean got home in the early hours of the morning after a
night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into
the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that
he woke up the Mrs.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down
from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't
waken the neighbors."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.
"I can't" he said "It’s in my belly!"
A
n Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food
exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. In
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,
he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nuttin," said the Paddy. "Back home in Dublin there's
O'Driscoll's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you
a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all
on the house."
"What," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister."
G
randpa had just told them the news - he was getting engaged to
a twenty five year old nymphomaniac.
The family was very concerned.
His eldest daughter spoke confidentially to him.
"Dad, we're most concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove
fatal."
"So what?" said Grandpa. "If she dies, she dies."
A
husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife.
Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her
fortieth,
and he wanted to get something special. At the store he
spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing
"Happy Birthday."
Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it giftwrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it.
When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to
"The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"
J
ack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the
evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted
to her. After some really passionate embracing, he said,
"Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed.
"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
I
t was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was
packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge,
although
there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the
beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all
the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
------------ --------- ---------
A
blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a
healing
spring. The blind man washed his eyes with water from the
spring and
exclaimed "I can see! I can see!"
The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and
exclaimed
"I can hear! I can hear!"
The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the
other side yelling "I got new tires! I got new tires!"
------------ --------- ---------
A
t a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor
was
telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he
concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife
but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue,
He said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter:
"What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable. "
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered
deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining
triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable! "
A
fter the wedding night, the new Mrs. Gates says to Bill “Now I
know why you named your company Micro Soft”.
A
guy was known among his friends to be very brief and
to the point - he really never said too much.
One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door and
asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there
for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked,
"May I ask where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming back?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven
years now!"
A
woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large beautiful parrot.
The
sign on the cage said $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
He looked at her and said, "Look. I should tell you that this bird used
to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this and decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in the living
room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the
room, then at her and said "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked by the implication, but then thought,
"That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and their mother were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation.
Shortly after, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The
Bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
R
ichard Dawson the “Family Feud game show host boarded an
Alaska Airlines flight in Anchorage,
Alaska bound for Dallas Fort Worth (DFW), Texas with a box
Of king crabs for friends and family. A female crew member
took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
Dawson advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and
proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if
she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire
cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
Anchorage, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate
them herself!
O
n a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He
tied
the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a
cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who
owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat---she's cool ‘kawse I got
'ER tied unner the shade tree.
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to be
bred."
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry,
‘kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't
seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go
'head. I always wanted a police dog!"
A
guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain
restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always
looked and sounded very sour.
One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and
Jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders,
"Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"
The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man,
"I certainly do not!"
With a great big grin, the man asked, "Well, Darlin', in this case, how
much do you charge?.."
A
lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead"
O
ne night after his evening service, a priest decided
to take a walk. A wrong turn led him into the red light
district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed
in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamp post.
Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said,
"My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."
"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm
here every night. You can have me any time you want."
A
traveling buyer for Wal-Mart had been on a trip for three
months. Every few
weeks he'd send a telegram to his wife saying: "Can't come
home. Still buying."
The wife stood it for a while, but when the fourth month started and
her husband still had no idea of returning, she decided to do
something.
She sent him a telegram. "Better come home. I'm selling what you're
buying."
A
man came home from work one day to find his wife
sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied,
"I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make
$400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
A
redneck fisherman was stopped by a game warden recently with
two ice chests
full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim'
round for a while.
Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take
'em home."
"That's not right! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After
several minutes,
the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
T
here is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees
an ad in the paper
for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get
his dog trained.
The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are
you a good trainer?"
The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a
demonstration of how good I am."
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.
The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones.
"Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's
dog," said the trainer.
Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room.
That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog
is that?"
"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in.
That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away.
"Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man. "That's a lawyer's
dog!"
A
t church, Joe was in charge of taking up
the offerings. One Sunday after the services,
the priest counted the cash and found it was
smaller than anticipated. So he questioned
Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough
for the size of the congregation. Joe said that
he did not take any of the offering. The priest
again questioned him and again he said that
he did not take any of the offering. So the priest
said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.
Then the priest asked Joe, "Did you take any
of the offering?" and this time Joe said, "I can't
hear you."
Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any
of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't
hear you."
This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE
ANY OF THE OFFERING?!?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry
so he came out of the confessional and said,
"Joe trade places with me and you can ask me
a question."
So they traded places and Joe asked. "I hear
that you and Mrs. Smith are having an affair. Is
that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By golly, you
can't hear in here!"
A
n Arkansas couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They
went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The
doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what
finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would
they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one
out of every ten children being born in the United States was
Latino, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Latino
baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
M
y husband was leaving for Europe for six weeks and I wasn't
looking
forward to it. As his departure day approached, I exclaimed: "I just
don't know what I'm
going to do with you gone for so long! Who's going to laugh with me,
go for walks with me? Who's going to talk to me in bed late at night?"
He sat in silence just staring at me.
As I turned to leave the room, he said, "Nobody, I hope."
I
magine, said Margaret, "your husband drowned and left you ten
million dollars. And he couldn't even read or write."
Jill smiled, "He couldn't swim either."
A
pproaching the counter at a local post office, I said to the
stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the Postmistress?
""No!" she replied testily, "I'm the Postmaster - Uncle Sam doesn't
pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."
A
man was brought before judge Ito in LA and charged with
necrophilia -- Having physical with a dead woman....... .
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never
heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up
and throw away the key!"
The man replied, "You want one, I'll give you THREE good reasons:
#1, It's none of your damn business;
#2, She was my wife; and.....
#3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!
W
aking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her husband
and
frowned. "I can't believe it! All night long in sleep you kept cursing me
with all bad words in the book”.
The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"
H
ey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty
dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you
what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over
the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash all my socks today.'"
O
n Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting in his
cruiser at
a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
he cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a
tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00
bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick
underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A
s the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight
attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding
seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy
your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take
you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her
right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch
and soda."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think of all those women up there in
the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer
call it the cock pit. It’s the flight deck, not dick, or rather flight cabin"
T
wo alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't
git it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp
Near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus
And wait fer one to open the car door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg,
Shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator,
"I think I see your problem.
You ain't getting' any real nourishment. "
"See, by the time you get done shakin'
The shit out of a Politician,
There ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
T
wo cows, Daisy and Buttercup, were catching up with the latest
Longview farm gossip.
Daisy told Dixie “Farmer Mark artificially inseminated me this
morning"
Dixie replied " No way, I don’t believe it"
"Well its absolutely true " said Daisy, " NO BULL"
M
ary and Thelma are old friends. They have both been
Married to their husbands for a long time; Thelma is upset
Because she thinks her husband doesn't find her Attractive
anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary Cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I
Get more beautiful every day." replies Thelma.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
A
senior citizen goes to his doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have sex only once a week."
The doctor asks, "How old are you ?"
The patient replies "Seventy-five. "
Wait now. You're 75 and have sex once a week. I think that's
wonderful.
What are you complaining about ?"
"My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says
he has sex three times a week, every week."
The doctor smiled and said, "I can easily solve your problem.
From now on, you say the same thing
A
n old country preacher had a teenage son,
and it was getting time that the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession. Like many young men,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school,
his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
four objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when
he comes home from school this afternoon,
I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me
and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,
he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,
and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all,
if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as
he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the
room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink
while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
"he's gonna run for Congress!"
T
here are two statues in a park in Paris; one of a nude man and
one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years
when, one day, a fairy godmother comes down from the sky and, with
a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The fairy godmother tells them, "As a reward for being so patient
through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have
been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the
most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The fairy godmother waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and
laughing.
The fairy godmother tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left.
Would you care to do it again?"
He asks her,"Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh!t on it's head."
T
he woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor Cohen asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be
a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you
that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much is your discount for all
night?"
A
guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a
flamboyant outfit. Lime colored trousers, a puff sleeved,
lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "what in
the world is wrong with you?"
"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.
"Your wife?"
"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper at Cox's Men's Store. They were having
a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me
one of those seersucker suits.
So what does she do?
Instead of going to Cox, she goes to Sears to buy me a suit."
T
wo elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry
didn't show up.
Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or
something.
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got
worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what
had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry,
but one day,
Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry!
Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he
said,
"For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for ?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
A
three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while
waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"
R
ecently a young woman came into my father's insurance
office with her newborn twins.
Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't
had any problem. This is Gary, and his sister, Elizabeth."
T
he Seattle Daily Mirror dispatches a female reporter to conduct
an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the
disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the
relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's
interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but
only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
A
mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York
City. The
mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed
several
wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The
mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point
the daughter asks her mother,
"Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?," to
which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands
to
come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,
"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying
out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy,
do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where do you think cabbies
come from?"
A
Mallee farmer got into his ute, drove to a neighbouring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door. A polite bright young boy about
9 opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he isn't." the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your Mum here?"
"No sir, she isn't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could
take a message for Dad?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
your Dad. It's about your elder brother Howard getting my daughter
Kellie pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You'd have to talk to Dad about
that," he finally conceded. "If it's any help to you, I know that Dad
charges $150 for the bull and $75 for the boar, but I really don't know
how much he gets for Howard."
T
he fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for
a few
minutes. When she returned, she found the
children in perfect
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've
never seen
anything like this before. This is wonderful. But,
please tell
me, what came over all of you? Why are you so
well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said,
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found
us quiet, you would drop dead."
F
ather: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her
this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is
the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support.
Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter: "OK"
Later....
Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He
said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST
child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now
I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your
face."
Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after
18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your
father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."
T
wo elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health,
one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right
there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
A
man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he
went. Unfortunately, he broke his last good one. Looking at
the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand, he decided to
take them all in and have them repaired.
On the bus on the way home, he picked up the umbrella that
belonged to the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit.
She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the
umbrella. Very embarrassed, he quickly got off the bus.
The next week he picked up his repaired umbrellas.
When he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his
arm, he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman.
She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"
Y
ou may have heard about a new bride who was a bit
embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she
asked him if there was any way that they could make it
appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
A
wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you
like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say,".
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Oh Lord, why in
the Hell did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A
minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do
you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day in my sermon
I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the
devil is the father of lawyers,'... so I let it go...."
A
very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman comes barreling
into K-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at
them all the way through the entrance.
The K-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart ....
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The nasty woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they
ain't,the oldest one,he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins?...... . Do you really think they look
alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
S
eated next to a self inflated egotist at a United Nations dinner
was
an Asian fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Southeastern
countries. The jerk, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and
said: "You like soupee?"
The Oriental fellow nodded his head.
"You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, he was the guest speaker at the dinner. Our Oriental
friend got up and delivered a beautiful 50 minute address on the
United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by
underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in
Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down and
turned to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
A
woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint
that he
leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my
clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself
comfortable on my best furniture."
A
t the height of a political corruption trial, the
prosecuting
attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that
you accepted
five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window day dreaming, as
though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise
this case?" The lawyer repeated.
The witness still, unconcerned, day dreaming, did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "sir, please answer the
question."
"Oh, your honor" the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking
to you."
T
he Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate
Computer
Company's production line. At which point the guided tour
eventually
arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he
said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to
any question you may care to ask it".
A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked,
"Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task.
Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser
printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."
The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick
question."
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry
the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was
precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's
husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the
room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life.
The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."
A
woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company
training session. Her husband drives her to the
airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like
me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and
asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." she replies
"And, what happened to my present?" he asks
"Which present?" she replied, forgetting about what
they had said before she left.
"What I asked for: the English girl?!" he reminded her
"Oh, that!" She said, suddenly remembering what they'd
talked about "Well, I did what I could, now we have to
wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!"
A
n atheist professor was teaching a college class and
he told the class that he was going to prove that there
is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want
you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I
am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple
of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and
newly registered in the class walked up to the professor,
hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from
the platform.
The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled,
"What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
Life is good. Simper Fidelis
A
woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the
carriage
when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering
into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks
JUST like his father."
"I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my
husband!"
U
pon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his
sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before
he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist
and demand an apology Before he could say more than a word , the
druggist said to him, "Now, just a minute and listen to my side of what
happened."
"This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I
went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to
break a window to get my keys. "
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people. All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and
the phone was still ringing."
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and when I finally
got back to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to
use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
A
man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces
away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair
and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but
I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No
he didn't. He just walked in the door."
T
hree men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial
flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in
the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud
voice, 'Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both
surgeons.'
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
lipped smile, ' Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired.
Married, two sons, both Judges.'
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ' Master Gunnery
Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two
sons, both Admirals.
D
uring training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?'
asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,' replied the
colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, 'Yours is.'
H
aving just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel
was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, General, I'll be
seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he
had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do
you
want?' 'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to
hook up your telephone.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
O
fficer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it
again! Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
A
n Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in
the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their
shaves, when
the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The general shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will
think I've been in a whorehouse!'
The sergeant turned to his barber and said,
'Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- 'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, 'I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.'
'Not me, Chief!' the seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm
never going to stand in line again!'
he new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed
to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the
T addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was
only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the
minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was
a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a
rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,
"Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and
snow are Acts of God, too, and that’s why we wear raincoats!"
Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an
unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the
A Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must
help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all
bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath....
Doctor, I'm scarred!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said:
"Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time,
especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me,
when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old geezer's response was: "Well... three times last
night, and twice again this morning!"
ake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!"
J Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
and so it does ..." A f r i c a n Elephant "
took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
I sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours:
green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would
look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response, 'Yeah. Got drunk once and had sex with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat
tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he
A struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna
screw, driver? " He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this
freaking hubcap off."
n airlines reservation clerk was really getting sleepy at 4 AM when
she took a call that turned out to be a "heavy breather." She
A listened quietly for a couple of minutes of his lewd descriptions of
what he wanted to do to her... finally, she couldn't take anymore and
said, "Sir, call Delta, they're ready when you are..."
Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son
riding a brand new bike. "Where did you get the money for that?" he
A asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!" "I earned it hiking,"
replied the boy. "Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth.
Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get
the cash from?" "It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were
gone, Mr. Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give
me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"
n old and favoured servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently
reprimanded by them for his free behavior with the female servants.
A Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their
presence, and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did
not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him--his
next escapade would be his last. He promised amendment and matters
went on very well for a time. One evening, he was not to be found
when wanted, and, on a search being made, was discovered in the beerceller, buggering the page boy. "How now," he was asked, "is this
your amendment? You promised to turn over a new leaf." "So I have"
said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!' " History
does not give the conclusion of the matter. (ThePearl: 19th Century)
woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey,
A pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out of my house.'
M
arriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other
is a husband.
Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of
course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
A with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the
optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'That’s his name. I know the guy.'
other Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something.
M We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of Chardonay.
wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!
A Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my
gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
******
ifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him
F a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a
jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
T
he rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for
an
apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it
was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of
the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what
symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the
heart attack. The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love
and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting,
and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
D
riving into a small town Sunday, as the church bells rang out, I
was
reminded of my dear old grandmother, since passed. A few years ago
upon hearing that my elderly grandfather had just passed away, I
went
straight to my grandparent' s house to visit and try and comfort my 95
year old grandmother. When I asked how my grandfather had died,
my
gram replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex Sunday
morning." Horrified I told my grandmother that I just couldn't
picture two people nearly 100 years old having sex and it surely had
to be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, I love it !" replied
granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age was gonna be a
hindrance, I figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday when
the church bells would start to ring. It was just right rhythm for
your granddad. Nice and slow and even and worked just fine. Nothing
too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." As I
looked on slightly stupefied at the revelation of my diminutive,
saintly, Irish grandmother' s penchant for sex, she paused to wipe
away a tear, and continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck
hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
I
t was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the police had
rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them
before the judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same
corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The
woman was irate. "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm
a college student doing research for a term paper." The judge sighed
and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough
'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions.
Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and
requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said,
"Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my
husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the judge
shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that
he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes. Thirty
days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her
occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her
honesty, the judge laughed and said, "How's business?" She sneered
and replied, "Terrible judge, with all these students and housewives
around, I can't turn a single trick."
D
o you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that
said, ? If
you build it, they will come?
W
hat did the fargot say to the job interviewer?
"Well, I was born in Chicago but reared in San Francisco."
D
uring a lull in the rehearsal, the groom and best man, the two
long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom,
looking
out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for
my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've slept with every
woman in this room."
To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us
we've had them all!"
A
fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You
know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, " BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!," the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!," they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
"Roll out more hose," she replied. " You're nowhere near the fire."
A
young Kiwi lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking
for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience ?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Wellington."
The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got
through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,
"OK, so how many sales did you make today ?"
The Kiwi said "One !"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one ? Our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for ?"
The Kiwi answered "�124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237:64 POUNDS !!
What the hell did you sell him ?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish
hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he
would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I
sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold
him the 4 x 4 Suzuki"
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy
came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4 ?"
"No no......he originally came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
lady friend and I said........ .
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing."
W
hen the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one
morning,
he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to
be a beautiful day."
"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The
weather forecast is for snow."
"It's not going to snow," contradicted
the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one."
I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."
D
addy," the little girl said. "I didn't know Mommy is a magician."
"What do you mean, Honey?" asked the daddy.
"Well," replied the
girl. "I heard her on the phone saying she was going to turn a
couple of tricks for you tonight."
cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a
Acouple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled
by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently
taps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh,
yes, Officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man
says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the
young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she
doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a
pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple,
alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is
happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young
man
says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The
young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes."
lice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they
Amake love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she
flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a
cucumber in his hand. "What is this?" she asked, pointing to the
vegetable, "What you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed.
"You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly
interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."
grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm.
Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin
Aand corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over
the
doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse
shoe
over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to
pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that is a
whore's shoe."
athy and I went to the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for our
35th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of
CBourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 AM
the first night there. As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a
skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me. "Would you like to
sleep with me for $100," she called down to me. I told her, "Making
love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the
money."
job seeker is interested, so he goes to learn more - 'Can you give
Ame some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is
:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist
examination.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully
wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently
shave off
all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for
the gynecologist’s examination.
There's an annual salary of $95,000, but you're going to have to go to
Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'
'No sir - that's the end of the lineup!'
he young doctor was taking his wife out one evening, when a pretty
girl smiled and spoke to him. The wife scenting an earlier love
Taffair, inquired: "Who is the lady, dear?" "Oh, just a girl I have
met professionally. " "No doubt," meowed the wife, "but whose
profession? Yours or hers?"
fter a test match between Australia & the West Indies which was
played in Jamaica at Subina Park a little six year old boy quite
Aemulated by Bryan Lara went up to him and said "Bryan could you
please sign your autograph on my shirt?" Bryan said, "Oh yes, nice
Dog you have beside you, what's its name?" Well, the little boy said
I use to call it Manley but, my Dad said I can't because it would be
disrespectful to the greatest prime minister this country has ever
seen", So Bryan ask, "what's its name now", "I call it Bryan Lara
but, my Dad say I can't". "Oh good thinking by your Dad" Bryan said.
At this time Bryan finish signing his autograph but was still
curious, so he ask the boy why his Father didn't let him name the dog
Bryan, The little boy said, "Oh well he said, it would be
disrespectful to the Dog".......
newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison
Alife and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch
much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're
locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice
that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of
the punishment."
country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
AEventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
allow women on the course during the week. The ladies were
satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club and
became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from
the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on the
golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding
them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation they sent the women club a letter advising
them that they had been granted equal privileges!
s the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
Athe passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, floatation
devices, etc... Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your
destination. "
Old Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
"Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is
the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, the entire crew for this flight is
female."
"My God," said ol' Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit, or flight deck. Now it's the 'box office'."
n English major was being released from prison. The nice looking
Afemale clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all
released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for
a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would
have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back
into
jail. Why??? Everyone knows you should never end a sentence with a
proposition.
here was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked
Ta guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that
I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her
out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing
because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a
lawyer?" He said, "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place. When
they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only
been
a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
aury was catching a lot of his ribbing from his buddies in the bar:
M"You got 17 kids?" exclaimed Pauly, "why you otta hold back a little
bit and think of your poor wife."
"But I DO think of her, but it's
really her fault we got so many kids. She's hard of hearing!"
"Pardon me," harrumphed Pauly, "but what does her deafness have to
do with
this outrageous number of kids?"
"Well," says Maury, "we get in bed at night, and I whisper, 'You
wanna sleep or what?' And she always answers, 'WHAT?' "
wo prostitutes were riding around town with a
Tsign on top of their car which
said: 'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'
A policeman, seeing the sign,
stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign
or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'
& lt; /SPAN>'Well, that's a little different,'
the officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'
So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer
in the area when he noticed the two ladies
driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest,
he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:
'Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.
t is election time and Barack Osama decided to go out
Ito the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".
Osama was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was
encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native
Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, Osama was touring the Reservation, and
saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised in Hawaii and
Indonesia,
and knew a little about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get
closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."
fter having failed his exam in "Logic and Organization" , a student
goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
AStudent: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you
can give me
the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however
do not
know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical,
nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot
give the student an
answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the
same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a
35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25
year old lover,
which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's
lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor
logical
athy and I went to the Mardi Gras festivals to New Orleans for our
35th Anniversary. They had a nice room in a hotel just outside of
CBourbon Street. I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk at 1 AM
the first night there. As I was cruising down Bourbon Street, I saw a
skimpily dressed woman on a balcony above me. "Would you like to
sleep with me for $100," she called down to me. I told her, "Making
love at my age is always a real effort. But I could sure use the
money."
. ....
A
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided
to
stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar
came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk
together." "How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your
cheap
pickups!" "Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my
bed?"
A
woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes
the first glass and pours it down the back of her skirt. The
bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it
down her skirt. Finally, the bartender says: "Why are you pouring
your drinks down your skirt?" "Well," the woman replies, "I've just
won the lottery and this is the only assehole I'm sharing it with!"
T
hen there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over
to
begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says,
"Madam,
TI
believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes.
Now,
we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
A
fter deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live
alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she'll be well
cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed
her
a
tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a
lovely
flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to
lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush
up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but
after a
while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the
family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
A
A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and
he
observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing
passengers,
"Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!"
He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the
man
and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife
was
a great lay?"
The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said,
"but I don't want to hurt his feelings."
STORY OF TWO GEEZERS
van is 85 years old.
A He's played golf every day
E
since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has got so bad that once
I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went!
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you
and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Evan.
"Your brother's a ninety three.
He can't help."
"He may be ninety three",
says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Evan heads off to the golf course
with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing
and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law.
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" Asks Evan.
"I can't remember."
THIS IS A GOOD STORY
n old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling
the
A
mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could
stand it no longer looking at the man, so he pointed to the heckler
and said,
"Will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has
ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in
the last election."
man was walking in the street when he heard a voice, "Stop! Stand
A still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was
going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will
die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening
around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man
asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked, "And where were you guardian angel when
I got married?"
PLEASE.CLICK.ME.THANKS
n the middle of nowhere, a billboard Reads:
I
"Motorists: Need help? Call Jesus." 1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
remember this time that I took Lewis to a celebratory dinner at a
really
posh restaurant. We walked in, were ushered to a table by a
I
formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were
displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from
the solid silver napkin ring, Lewis unfolded it, put it around his
neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will
you have a shave or a haircut?"
man was brought up on charges of bigamy.
A
The judge looked at the docket and said, "Good God, man! You're
charged with marrying six women. How could you do such a thing?"
"Hey, judge, gimme a break," the man replied. "I was only trying to
find a good one."
young uneducated Latino man applied for a job in an office. After
the
interview, he left and hooked up with his homies outside.
A
One asked, "How'd it go?"
The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted
to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went
da job."
y wife caught a neighbor Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have
M killed him if
we hadn't stopped her."
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?"
"No, that's not what made her the maddest."
"It's not?"
"No, she got mad when he reached his window and closed his
curtains."
n evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the
A rafters of the mission. "Listen to me, all you cigarette puffers," he
thundered, "all you grass inhalers, all you bottle suckers -"
Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't
forget us!"
uring my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never
D to
recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who
had
available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me
conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff
always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you
think I
should see?"
Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to
sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't
recommend any of our doctors."
"Well, are they all bad?!" she said, heading for the door.
ohnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"J "It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a very low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my
paranoia'?"
mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines to Austin. The
A son who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and
asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why
don't Big planes have baby planes?". The mother who couldn't think
of
an answer told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the
stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time. Have your mother
explain
that to you."
he manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
T received this testimonial from a little old lady who lived on a farm
in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the woman wrote, "I was
too
tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton. But after only two
bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become the best cottonpicking hoer in the county.
ne waitress asks another, "Do ya know da difference between a West
Virginian and a canoe?"
O"No, I don't,"
"A canoe will sometimes tip,"
ll of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic
A considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.
~~~~~~~
sergeant in a parachute regiment regularly took part in night-time
exercises.
One night he was seated next to a lieutenant, fresh from
A
Jump School. He was quiet, sad, and looked a bit pale, so the
sergeant struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?" , he asked.
"No, just a bit apprehensive, " said the lieutenant.
The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"
The Lieutenant replied, "That means I'm too chicken to admit that I
am scared!"
S
he married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
Again she remarried, and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for
this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they 're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
" Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? "
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
F
our guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted
to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it
wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that
Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to bre akfast bright
eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two
couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked,
"Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted
his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all
night."
A
lthough born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always
wanted
to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge
and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all
semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete
the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to
begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It's $500."
"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How
about $50?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
T
he prof was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the
best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a
deep
breath of air, and then finish with a cold shower. Then I feel rosy
all over."
A sleepy voice from the back of the room said, "Tell us
more about Rosy!"
A
man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed
and yelled at the man "Holy Molly, That must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he
jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the
ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he
could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, "But I AM your husband!!!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"
And that folks....... .....is how the fight started.
V
isiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had
a
huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these
hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the
enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his cods a squeeze. The
animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down
the path. A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up
to the woman, said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his giant nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she
wailed.
"Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine,
'cause I have to catch that sucker!"
M
y Dad said to my Mother, "You should go bra-less."
She says, "Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?"
He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull some wrinkles out of your
face."
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