INTRO – MANHOOD ON THE GURNEY
This morning we’re going to talk about manhood. Manhood has fallen on hard times. And with it lying
motionless on a gurney, I’m not going to piddle around in the sermon today.
Karen’s first pregnancy was with Ann. Ann didn’t come on her own time, she came a week early because
Karen came down with a serious case of preeclampsia, a condition that can lead to coma or death for the
mother. But because Karen had never felt contractions before, she mistook the epi-gastric pain for the
onset of labor. We rushed off to the hospital expecting it was time to have our first child. Now Karen and I
were prepared for this – we’d taken the classes, put together our birthing plan, packed our bags
accordingly – we were set. So when I arrived in our hospital room, I started on the plan. “O nurse, we’ve
selected some music to play during labor – could you show me how to use the stereo?” “Excuse me, nurse,
we’d like to have a birthing ball in the room – could you see that we get one?” Much to my chagrin, my
concerns were completely ignored. They were ignored because the nurses realized that they had a life
and death situation on their hands, and keeping my wife alive was much more important to them than a
birthing ball.
Good move, James. Start a talk about manhood with a story about childbirth. This isn’t a mother’s day
sermon, eh? I tell the story to make this point: my tone in this sermon is going to be the same tone the
nurses took with my wife. I realize that manhood is on the gurney.
So you’re not going to hear a bunch of cute stories from me this morning. This won’t be a chicken soup for
the daddy’s soul kind of morning. I’m not going to dispense a bunch of feel-good wisdom about love
languages, dating your wife, or damsels in distress.
Sociologists say that the crisis of our day is the absence of men. Deadbeat dads, absentee fathers,
workaholics, broken homes, single mothers, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse . . . the list
could go on. Yet almost everywhere you look you see deficient views of manhood:
 Mainstream media portrays men as a bumbling buffoon, set in his ways, loving his tools, sexcrazed, but out of touch and good for a laugh.
 Commercials suggest that what it means to be a man is to love beer, sex, and sports – preferably in
that order.
 The cultural elites who engineered this social revolution 50 years ago offer us another vision of
manhood. They prize a man who is in touch with his feelings, wears a cardigan and writes poetry,
is sensitive and deeply aware of inter-personal dynamics, and loves salad and tofu. Now I’m not
saying that any of those things are wrong – in fact many of them are healthy traits for a man to
develop – but they miss the essence of what it means to be a man and leave many men feeling like
they can’t fit that mold.
 But perhaps the greatest lapse is in how many of us men have chosen to respond to these
declining expectations. We’ve indulged our flesh and allowed ourselves to wallow in our
adolescence, refusing to grow up and take responsibility. Instead of working hard, taking
responsibility, and serving and leading – we spend our time and money on video games, sports
and microbrews. We live in a fantasy world – be it via Final Fantasy, Fantasy Football, or cybersex. We’re living with our parents longer, delaying getting married longer, delaying having
children longer – and all to serve our own flesh.
But God created society to thrive when men are men. God created the family to thrive when men are men.
So where do we look for a picture of manhood? Where do we learn what it means to be a husband and a
father?
Aside from those fortunate few who had a wonderful dad to model things for you, society offers no good
picture.
But God does. God’s Word offers a clear picture of what it means to be a husband and a father. And that is
what we’re going to look at in the rest of our time.
HEAD
If you’ve closed your Bible, open them back up to Ephesians 5. Look there at what it says in verse 23. “The
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.”
As much as a few renegade contemporary interpreters have tried to twist the meaning of “head,” the
context leaves no room for creative wiggle. Note the comparison to Christ and the link to the call for
wives to submit.
Just as Christ is the authority charged with giving direction to the church, the husband is the authority
charged with giving direction to the home.
 The heads of state are those who are uniquely responsible for their country.
 The head office is the office uniquely responsible for the company.
 And the head of the family is the one who is uniquely responsible for what happens in the family.
This morning I’m going to give you two pictures that I want to stick in your mind. These two pictures, I
think, capture what it means to be a godly man. Here’s the first:
Picture 1 – Answering to God
Christ has returned to judge the living and the dead. He summons each family forward – tribe by tribe,
clan by clan, family by family. Finally it is time for your family to give a reckoning for the course it took.
He doesn’t call the children forward. You look at your wife, who was by your side every step of the way,
laboring shoulder-to-shoulder with you as your equal. But he doesn’t call her forward. He calls you
forward. And He asks you to explain the course taken by your family.
Are you prepared to stand before God and answer for how you have lead your family as its head?
Because you will someday, and so will I. I don’t know exactly how it will look – the Bible is not clear on
that point. But as the head, you answer to God for what happens in your family.
What doesn’t it mean?
At this point, I think it’s important that I clarify a few things this does NOT mean:
1. This does not mean you make all the decisions for your home. As any good head of state or head
office will illustrate, being the head doesn’t mean making all the decisions – it just means being
responsible for all the decisions that are made.
2. This does not mean that you are the best thinker or decisions maker in the home. In fact, its
probably best not to even try to rank yourself. The reality is that God has given you a helpmate,
and your collective wisdom will be better than your individual wisdom. So swallow your pride,
acknowledge God’s providence in giving you the wife he has, and lean on her wisdom – at times
defer to it.
3. This does not mean that you demand allegiance from your family. If you have to demand your
family’s allegiance, 999 out 1000 it’s because you’ve failed as a head. But since your failure
probably has a lot to do with your pride, you’re probably thinking you’re the 1 in the 1000.
4. It does not mean you domineer or force your own way. God told Eve that one of the consequences
of sin staining the world is that, “Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you.”
If you use manipulation, cajoling or threatening – be it passive aggressive or forceful – to exert
your will on your family, you’ve missed the boat.
So what does it mean?
For that, I will tell you a story.
What does it mean? Adam & Eve
Genesis 2 tells us that before Eve was created, God gave a command to Adam. He told him, And the LORD
God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the
knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die." Genesis
2:16-17. Shortly after that, God creates Eve. It’s clear that this makes creation complete. But in the next
scene, Satan comes in disguised as a serpent and speaks to Eve. He says, “Did God really say, ‘You must
not eat from any tree in the garden’?” Only that’s not what God said. He’s twisting God’s words.
Now Eve, who had not heard what God had said first-hand, responds and says, And the woman said to the
serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of
the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.' Genesis 3:2-3. Do you see?
She gets it wrong, too. Well-intentioned as it may be, she misquotes God. God did not forbid touching the
tree.
And then the serpent speaks again, issuing an outright challenge of God’s words. But the serpent said to
the woman, "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you
will be like God, knowing good and evil." Genesis 3:4-5.
Then read with me verse 6. “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and
pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.” Now catch what is
says next, because this is the shocking part. “She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he
ate it.” The whole time this conversation is going on, Adam is standing there watching it all silently. The
one who had heard the exact words from God stands there and says nothing as God is misrepresented,
misquoted and challenged.
What does it mean that God’s calling you to be the head? He’s calling you to succeed where Adam failed.
He’s calling on you to humbly and lovingly hold out God’s Word to your family as the path to follow.
Live your life so they can see God’s Word transforming you, and faithfully hold it out as the path for them.
In a way, your task is much like a pastor’s task. You intuitively get what a pastor should be.
I can have all my doctrine lined up and hold a firm line on the Word – but if I browbeat the people, if I
convey a sense of arrogance, if my life suggests that the Word isn’t convicting and transforming me – I
will do this church little good. But if I’m milquetoast – glibly smiling and nodding at anyone and everyone,
all the while stepping back and letting others lead this church from the backseat – I will do this church no
good.
So picture 1 is of you standing before God, answering for the course your family has taken. You are the
head of your home; the pastor, so to speak.
Let me say one more thing on this. Headship is not something claimed or granted; it is a reality
established by God in the Garden of Eden. That’s why the Bible doesn’t call on men to claim their
headship or wield it. Whether you like it or not, you are the head. The question is not whether you will be
the head of your family – you are the head. The question is what kind of head are you?
And that’s why the first picture is incomplete without the second.
TREE OF REFUGE
Look back at Ephesians 5. After instructing the wife to submit to her husband because he is the head, Paul
addresses the husband. We might expect him to say: husbands lead your wives. But that’s not what he
says, is it? Look there in verse 25. What does it say? (“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her,” Ephesians 5:25)
Men – tell me – what does it say?
I was asking my wife for input on this sermon. She said two things:
1) It is harder for a man to love his wife as Scripture commands than it is for a wife to submit to her
husband; and
2) Tell the men that chocolate covers over a multitude of sins.
Men, he tells us to love our wives – he doesn’t place any conditions on it. We are to love our wives
“irrespective of merit” (Hoehner 747).
And what does love mean? We see the example of Christ. He gave himself sacrificially for the good of the
church.
Your call is to love your wife such that it costs you, dying to yourself so that you can help meet her needs.
I still remember the wife of my pastor in college. She was speaking at an event about family and she said
this: “I know Dave loves me. You want to know how I know he loves me? I see him on his hands and
knees, scrubbing the floors.” Now I don’t scrub the floors, and that’s not the point. The point is that we
need to be doing things that we don’t want to do but that we know are ways we can help our wives.
Verse 29 expands on how this love should look with two words, translate in the NIV as “feeds and cares”
but more commonly translated “nourishes and cherishes.” The first word, “feed/nourish,” describes the
kind of loving attention a parent gives a child. I’ve seen some dads who do a great job and nourishing
their children but who treat their wives like the hired help.
The second word, “care/cherish,” has warmth at its root. If your wife is coming in from the cold, you
should be the warmth of the hearth to her.
So what does it mean to be the head of your home? Love, nourish and cherish your wife.
Not what you were expecting, eh? But the Bible is rarely what you are expecting.
“So I can see why Paul wouldn’t want me to flex my proverbial headship muscles with my wife – but at
least he’s gonna give me a bit of ammo with my kids, right?” Look at Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not
provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Yes, I’m called to instruct and train them in the way of the Lord. But look at how I’m to do it – the lead
command – don’t exasperate your children. Again, a word about the warmth and love, the humility and
gentleness with which we should approach our children.
“Ah, but Ephesians is probably an exception. Surely the Bible has lots of commands about how I am to
lead, take the bull by the horns, and quit abdicating my positions as head, right?”
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they
become discouraged.” Colossians 3:19, 21
“Well that was just Paul. He must have had some axe to grind on that.”
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the
weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
1 Peter 3:7
Are you sensing a common strand of counsel? Whenever husbands are addressed – and in the context of
their positions as head – the command is not to lead, it is to love and serve.
You are the head. It’s a fact, not a command. But how are we to be the head? By loving our wives,
nourishing and cherishing them and not embittering them. By helping our children grow up in the Lord,
but doing so with gentleness so as not to provoke or embitter them.
Picture 2 – The Tree (Song of Songs 2:3)
So that leads me to the second picture I want to give you, the picture that makes the first one complete.
It’s a picture I draw from the Song of Songs, 2:3 – “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my
lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.”
You are a tree, with your boughs spread and your fruit hanging low. You must be the safe place for your
wife, the place she finds comfort, rest, nourishment and peace. I must be that steady, faithful, deep-rooted
tree for Karen – a refuge, a joy, a rest for her.
And we must be that for our children, too. And if we are not that for our children, as soon as they hit
adolescences, they will run after the first thing that smells of it.
That is what it means to be the head of our wife. That is what it means to be the heads of our family. We
must be the stable tree that is place of comfort, peace and rest for them.
How do I become that tree? Psalm 1:1-3. “Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the
wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit at the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its
fruit in season and whose leaf does not whither. Whatever he does prospers.”
But let me say some ways to undercut your ability to be such a man real fast:
 Words spoken in anger
 Raising your voice
 Anything close to using your strength to intimidate (punching things, slamming fists, squeezing
her arm, etc.).
 Not upholding her in public
 Abandoning her in public
 Demeaning or insulting her, talking down to her
 Making her feel that you are more loyal to your family than you are to her
Some of the best advice I ever received was this: be careful what you say in an argument, because once
you speak a word, you can never have it back.
Two pictures conjoined
Now let me bring these two pictures together for you. It is as you are the tree for your wife and children
that you will be able to nourish them with God’s Word and lead them in healthy paths.
If you plan on saying to God: “Look, I tried to tell them what the Bible said, but they wouldn’t listen to
me.” Be ready to answer if God asks, “Well did you love them, cherish them, nourish them, not embitter
them, not provoke them and not discourage them?”
The two pictures go together.
GRACE FOR THE OVER-WHELMED
Can I just say how hard it is to preach this sermon. This whole week I’ve been noticing every little way I
fall short of God’s call. I stand up and preach this, but I’m overwhelmed at the task.
Maybe you feel the same way, too.
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You came to Christ later in life and you’ve already blown it – with your wife (maybe with your exwife), with your kids. And all you feel is a great weight of guilt.
Or maybe you didn’t have a dad who modeled these things. The only model you have is a broken
one. So you want to do better, but you keep getting drawn into old patterns. And so this sermon is
encouraging but also discouraging.
Or maybe you’ve just established some passive or unhealthy ruts. You’re happy to let mom be that
tree, you just bring home the paycheck and cut the grass. And God is giving you a wake up call this
morning, but it seems like too much.
Let me say to you what Paul said to a bunch of sinners turned Christians in Corinth: “If anyone is in Christ,
behold he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come!”
This is the hope of the gospel. God is offering something better than the old, broken-down system this
world offers. In Christ, you can find strength and hope to be something different, to break a cycle of
dysfunction.
I can be the kind of husband God wants me to be to Karen because the gospel of Jesus Christ is constantly
working its transforming power on my life.
By God’s grace – by God’s grace alone – I can be the father God wants me to be to Charlie, and Ann, and
Jonathan, and Eva, and Mercy.
And as his gospel transforms us into the kind of men we are called to be, we have a heavenly Father who
is gracious and merciful with us when we fail.
A word to others
I know I’ve addressed this sermon to husbands and dads. For the men in this room who are not husbands
or dads, let this word still challenge you to the kind of men He wants you to be. Be this kind of man in
how you treat your mom, your sister or your extended family. Be this kind of man in how you serve and
interact at the church.
And for the women in here who are married to men, I don’t want you to walk out of here thinking, “I wish
my husband were more like that” and growing more embittered. Or perhaps your father isn’t or wasn’t
this kind of man. Instead of growing bitter or holding these teachings over their heads, step back and be
moved by the great weight on their shoulders. And resolve to pray for them, that the gospel would so
shape them, that they could carry the weighty burden God has placed on their shoulders. If they aren’t
believers, pray that God would bring them to know the gospel. If they profess to be Christians, pray that
the gospel would take root in their souls.
And for all of us, let us look to our heavenly Father, who is gracious and merciful to us – even when we
fail.