Reaching the goal line
BY STEVE SAUCERMAN
Lately, I’ve been thinking about
goals. Not my goals, of course; I’m
pretty much perfect. (It’s a curse.) I
have noticed, however, that you (everyone, collectively, except me) seem
to need a lot of help, so it’s a good thing
I’m here. The goals to which I refer are
those nagging, nebulous life objectives
that latch on to your subconscious much
the same way the slimy, squid-like thing
attached itself to that poor sap’s face in
the movie “Alien,” except setting goals
isn’t as much fun.
Actually – to be fair – that bursting-out-of-the-chest-thing probably felt
a little below average, so maybe it did
all even out in the end.
But I digress.....
Goals: A scientific perspective
Goals can be broken down into two
basic categories: personal and professional. Common personal goals include
losing weight, stopping smoking, finishing the time machine, writing fewer
love letters to Jody Foster, that sorta’
thing.
Professionally, goals are less obvious. They can range from short-term
and readily definable (i.e., finishing that
killer proposal for Mr. Windbag by Friday) to something more big-picture
such as being present at the precise moment in time Mr. Windbag actually enters through the gates of hell — so you
can hold the door open.
Details aside, it’s clear that the
goal-setting exercise (GSE) is vital to
achieving personal and professional
success. Or is it??
(Long, pregnant pause....)
The problem
You see, I have a problem. (Many
of our sharper readers have already figured that out via the sub-heading of this
paragraph, “The problem.”) Currently
there are scads of goal-spewing pun-
dits riding a highly-lucrative and exponentially ascending wave of GSE
seminars sweeping across our fair nation. The problem is: I’m not cashing
in on it!
This, of course, is horrifying and
unacceptable. I’m sure you agree.
But change doesn’t come easy. We
have to act quickly if we’re going to
make things right. We have to band together (like only we God-fearing Americans can do in times of crisis) and set
bold, new priorities.
We need to embrace the Era of
Steve. (Cue dramatic thundering
music.) We (meaning you) have to unselfishly set aside our (your) petty, personal needs (i.e., food, shelter, spare
cash, etc.) and put Steve first!
Only then can we (I) be truly free.
To start you on your way, take a moment and ask the following questions:
• Isn’t my message – the Gospel of
Steve – (thundering music plays) as
vital and pivotal to the tired, down-trodden, huddled masses (that would be
you) as that of all those higher paid
GSE pedagogues? If you prick me, do
I not bleed? (Ouch! Stop it!
Ooowwww! I mean it! Quit it!)
• If there’s easy money out there,
shouldn’t I have it?
• Won’t my Playboy channel be cut
off if don’t cough up on my past due
cable bill?
You see? The logic is flawless. I
think you know where to send your donations.
But beyond this blindingly obvious shortfall, GSE is fraught with even
greater peril. In the office, the act of
setting goals has become bandied about
so willy-nilly that nowadays the practice holds little tangible meaning to the
average Joe.
Once a managerial panacea, the
originally intended exercise has mutated into a grotesque, unrecognizable
version of its former self.
The act has become more important than the goal. The goal itself – no
matter how vague and PolyAnna – is
irrelevant. The important thing is to
look like you care.
Throughout time, the target of all
good office strategies was to dazzle the
next higher level of administration. Your
boss knows this. Veiled in the ultimate
managerial smokescreen, GSE provides
your immediate supervisor with something he can pull out of his (mmmmmm
... let’s see .... I’m searching for a word
here and I can’t use my first choice ...
how about “hat”) when he has nothing
better.
But maybe I’m being harsh. Perhaps there’s more to it. Maybe there’s
a reason your boss acts the way he does.
And I think I’ve found it. Through exhaustive research, I believe I’ve stumbled upon the five most prominent reasons your boss continues to thrust GSE
on you, the unsuspecting employee:
He hates you.
He really, really hates you.
He’s using GSE to hypnotize his
bosses just long enough for him to polish his resume so he can blow out of
this hellhole. Or if he lacks the creative
skills to lie convincingly on his resume,
GSE then provides him with an avenue
to tread water until the day he gets
transferred to another department or
dies. (See employee handbook definition: Win-win situation.)
They can look at you without losing their cookies, but still, the whole
naggy, bothersome concept of actually
interacting with employees really grates
on their nerves. To them, the employee/animals interfere with golf, fantasy football, and downloading porn off
the Internet.
GSE offers protection against these
rude interruptions. Clobber an employee just once with GSE and he’s
Copyright © 2006 • reprinted from World Fence News January 2006 issue • www.worldfencenews.com
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guaranteed to stay away forever.
GSE is quick, easy, inherently and
completely vague, and is sure to render any employee – regardless of enthusiasm, drive, and ability – completely numb. And that’s how you want
them. Even better, when applied properly, GSE closely resembles torture,
thus providing hours of giddy pleasure
for your boss.
The problem (ha, suckeeerrrs!)
Office goals are lucid in concept
and fuzzy in detail. This is how they
were designed. Through years of apathy and self-deceit, your boss has
evolved an innate ability to convince
himself that he’s able to visualize goals
with crystal clear perspective and clarity, even though he can’t explain them.
And it doesn’t matter whether
you’re large or small (I’m talking about
office goals here, not body size.)
Even Fortune 500 CEOs with really good hair and a direct bloodline to
the board of directors don’t have a clue,
and haven’t fooled anyone in quite
some time. The employees are on to
them. In fact, most figured out they
weren’t exactly working for a visionary genius the first time they walked in
on their boss with his tie caught in the
paper shredder.
But the insurgence of GSE continues. According to latest U.S. Census
information, the typical office manager
(who according to this same report is
99.2 percent of the time the owner’s
most ignorant, unemployable son), GSE
is now used to cure virtually all office
woes. When sales are down, set goals.
When office morale drops, set goals.
When there’s no other solution (and
you can’t come right out and say your
product and service suck), set goals.
And finally, when USC nips NotreDame in the final seconds of the game
and thousands of drunken USC fans
rush the field and rip down the goal
posts, it’s time to — you know what!
(God, I crack me up!)
The problem (Let me know when this
gets irritating ... )
Another troubling aspect of GSE,
particularly when paired with humans,
lies in the fact that goals have always
had an inherent flexibility. Goals are
often modified during the course of the
journey. Here’s one common example:
• Original goal – Lose 15 pounds.
• Modified goal – Consume bodyweight in Twinkies and Jack Daniels at
one sitting.
You see – flexibility. This natural
inclination by people to alter their goals
was something the original GSE Nostradamuses never counted on.
They never in their wildest dreams
imagined GSE would inspire anything
but complete and efficient transformation of virtually any sluggish, stagnant
office atmosphere into a new, emboldened, and enlivened synergist office environment that would rocket along like
a hummingbird shot from a howitzer. I
mean, after all – they surmised – what
could possibly go wrong with a theory
premised solely on the three most solid
of human attributes:
1. Our laser-like, long-range vision
and acute planning skills.
2. Our innate ability to apply selfdiscipline and provide honest assessment of our own faults.
3. Our ability to relentlessly pursue the drive to unselfishly correct those
faults (once discovered) in the selfless
goal to perpetuate our company and
provide our owners with greater profits and larger cars.
Oh, wait. I think I may have spotted a few potential problem areas.
Conclusion
(Whaddya mean, “Thank God?”)
We all need to step back for a moment and examine GSE. We must view
goals for what they are: An office exercise that is a way to fill time when
there are no fires to put out. This is a
good place for goals. They should exist
in servitude; ride in coach. They should
be relegated to a level of importance
equivalent to repairing that piece of trim
way up on the rear gable of your house;
something you’ll get to (someday,
maybe) once you get this whole nasty
poverty thing under control.
In addition, it should be tactily accepted that achieving any goal will take
time; perhaps several lifetimes. I’m still
working on personal/professional targets I set for myself when I was seven
years old. Yes, some of these have
changed over the years. Some have
even faded altogether. For instance, I
no longer want to be Batman (most of
the time) and I’m now fairly certain that
I won’t be batting cleanup for the Yankees. And Cheryl Tiegs never did call.
But not all goals fail. I still fully expect
to have my death-ray up and operational
by Christmas. Have a nice day!
Steve Saucerman is a full time commercial construction project manager,
who also teaches building construction
technology at Rock Valley College in
Rockford, Ill. Since 1976, his career
has included building material sales,
architectural drafting, home building
and design, and commercial construction project management. He has authored articles for a number of construction trade journals and periodicals, including World Fence News.
Copyright © 2006 • reprinted from World Fence News January 2006 issue • www.worldfencenews.com
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