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‘MISS’ BEHAVING
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into
trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred
in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a Pastor in town
had been successful in disciplining children, so
she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The Pastor agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old
first, in the morning, with the older boy to see
the Pastor in the afternoon. The Pastor, a
huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
The boy made no response, sitting there with his mouth
hanging open, wide-eyed. So the Pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the
boy made no attempt to answer.
So the Pastor raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD!?"
At that, the boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dove into his closet,
slamming the door behind him. When his older
brother found him he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We’re in BIG trouble this time! GOD IS MISSING and they think WE took Him!"
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ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS
SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
ALWAYS RESPOND TO EVERY IMPULSE TO PRAY
THAT’S IT! I’VE OFFICIALLY RUN OUT OF EXCUSES
I OFTEN WORRY ABOUT THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN, ESPECIALLY THE ONE THAT IS ROLLING HIS EYES AT ME RIGHT NOW
GOLF’S A FUNNY GAME
●
Once when I was golfing in Georgia I hooked the ball into
the swamp. I went in after it and found an
alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a
little golfer on it.
● I’m hitting the woods just great,
but I’m having a terrible time getting out
of them. - Anon
● It’s still embarrassing. I asked my caddy
for a sand wedge and ten minutes later he
came back with a ham on rye. -Chi Chi Rodriguez, answering reporters questions
about his strong accent.
●
I shot a wild elephant in Africa 30 yards from me, and it
didn’t hit the ground until it was right at my feet. I wasn’t
a bit scared. But a 3-foot putt scares
me to death. Sam Snead
●
I find it to be the hole-in-one. Groucho Marx, when asked what
the most difficult shot in golf is.
●
Rail-splitting produced an immortal president in Abraham
Lincoln; but golf, with 29,000
courses hasn’t even given us
one good congressman. - Will
Rogers
WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE QUITTING REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED
MY FAVORITE CO-WORKER IS THE COFFEE MACHINE
I JUST WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE LAUGHING
MY KID IS JUST AS WEIRD AND TWISTED AS I AM...I’M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD BE PROUD OR SCARED
IT IS JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY ADD THE WORD ‘SYNDROME’ AFTER MY LAST NAME
¥ On April 25, 1719, Daniel Defoe's fictional
work "The Life and Strange Adventures of
Robinson Crusoe" is published. The book,
about a shipwrecked sailor who spends 28
years on a deserted island, is based on the experiences of Alexander Selkirk, a Scottish sailor who
spent four years on a small island off the
coast of South America in the early 1700s.
¥ On April 21, 1816, Charlotte Bronte, the only one of three
novelist Bronte sisters to live past age 31, is born. Charlotte's two older sisters died of illness while at Clergy
Daughter's School. The grim institution found its way into
her masterpiece "Jane Eyre" (1847).
¥ On April 24, 1940, bestselling mystery novelist Sue Grafton, creator of private eye Kinsey
Millhone, is born. Starting with "A Is for
Alibi" in 1982 and titling each of her books
with letters of the alphabet in order, Grafton is currently up to W, for "Wasted."
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD WHEN YOU FLEX YOUR FOOT WRONG AND IT CRAMPS, YOU THINK, “THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW IT ENDS.’
IF GOD DOESN’T WANT SOMETHING FOR ME, THE I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T WANT IT EITHER
¥ On April 22, 1934, George "Baby Face" Nelson
kills Special Agent W. Carter Baum during an FBI
raid in northern Wisconsin. The famed
gangster was born Lester Gillis but wanted to be known as Big George Nelson.
Unfortunately for him, his youthful looks
led everyone to call him "Baby Face."
¥ On April 26, 1913, 13-year-old Mary Phagan is
found molested and murdered in the Atlanta pencil factory where she worked. Her murder led to one of the
most disgraceful episodes of bigotry, injustice and mob
violence in American history -- the lynching of her innocent Jewish boss, Leo Frank.
¥ On April 23, 1967, Soviet cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov is killed when his parachute
lines tangle during his spacecraft's landing.
Komarov plunged to the ground from
23,000 feet.
¥ On April 20, 1980, the Castro regime
announces that all Cubans wishing to
emigrate to the U.S. are free to board
boats at the port of Mariel west of
Havana, launching the Mariel Boatlift. The first of 125,000 Cuban refugees from Mariel reached Florida
the next day.
(c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.
“COME TO ME, ALL YOU WHO LABOR AND ARE HEAVY LADEN, AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST.” MATTHEW 11:28
IT IS BOTH A PRIVILEDGE AND A DUTY TO BE HAPPY ABOUT GOD’S EXISTENCE
DON’T GROW UP - IT’S A TRAP!
FOR EVERY ITEM I CLEAR OFF THE KITCHEN COUNTER, TWO MORE TAKE ITS PLACE. I’M GOING TO START TRYING THIS WITH MONEY
THE GARDEN OF EDEN
God created a paradise for humanity
called the garden of Eden. In this place,
where lions and sheep lay down together, there was no hurt or suffering. It
was a beautiful garden filled with trees
that bore the most magnificent fruit. It
is where Adam and Eve, were created
by God.
WE CAN DO NOTHING WITHOUT PRAYER
In this place that God made for us, the grass was like a fine
carpet, the water sweet and pure, the temperature always ideal
with just the right amount of shade and sunshine. It didn’t get
any better than this.
God loved humanity. We were his creation and we were created in his image. He wanted to be with us and He walked
with us in the cool of the evening.
And just as God made Adam, He formed every beast of the
field and every bird of the sky and then He brought them to
man to see what he would call them. Whatever Adam called
them, that was their name.
But of all of creation there was not a helper
suitable for Adam so God put Adam into a deep sleep, took one
of his ribs, and made woman.
Woman was man’s crown.
CLONES ARE PEOPLE TOO
I don’t know about you, but I
want to walk in the garden with
God again. I want Him to hold my
hand and talk with me as we walk in
the ‘cool of the evening’ through paradise
together.
Brothers and sisters, let’s get there together.
I SIGNED UP FOR AN EXERCISE CLASS AND WAS TOLD TO WEAR LOOSE CLOTHING, AS IF I HAD ANY LOOSE CLOTHING TO WEAR
I JUST BOUGHT A HEAD OF LETTUCE. I’M TORN. SHOULD I THROW IT AWAY NOW OR WAIT TWO WEEKS LIKE I USUALLY DO?
I WANT TIME TO SIT, READ, TAKE A NAP AND SNACK. BASICALLY I WANT TO BE IN KINDERGARTEN
THE WEIRDER YOU ARE THE MORE FUN YOU ARE
¥
It was 19th-century French historian Edgar Quinet who
made the following sage observation: "Time is the fairest
and toughest judge."
¥
The Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland, has a 9,000-year
lease on the property -- and the rent is a mere 45
Irish pounds per year.
¥
Researchers at Yale University have determined that the most recognizable scent to
American adults is coffee, followed by
peanut butter in the No. 2 spot.
¥
In 1941, the British entered World War II, much to the relief of the USSR. One Soviet admiral was so grateful for
the help that when a British naval captain on the submarine
HMS Trident commented that his wife had a hard time
pushing the baby carriage through the snow in Britain, the
admiral declared, "You need a reindeer!" -- and presented
the sub's crew with one. Dubbed Pollyanna, the reindeer
spent six weeks aboard the sub, where it reportedly liked to
sleep under the captain's bed. Pollyanna eventually ended
up at the Regents Park Zoo.
¥
The state of Mississippi takes its name (unsurprisingly)
from the river. But how did the river get its name? Etymologists say that the modern pronunciation is from a French
variant of "meshi-ziibi," which in Algonquian Ojibwa
means "big river."
¥
Those who study such things say that 20 percent of modern relationships that end in marriage begin online.
¥
The red panda is a vulnerable mammal
species found in parts of Asia. It's about
the size of a house cat, but its tail can grow up to 19 inches
long.
¥
When the Crayola company was approaching a production
milestone, executives asked Mister Rogers to come to the
factory to pour the wax for the one billionth crayon.
Thought for the Day: "Imitation is the
sincerest form of television."-- Fred Allen
(c) 2015 King Features Synd., Inc.