MANIFESTO
The Urinal Etiquette Manifesto
Ryan Thomson
I attended a minor league baseball game last night. It
was just as I expected; hot dogs, peanuts, beer, frenzied
mascots, and some mildly excited fans. I had the urge to
urinate and decided to visit the stadium's facilities. A man
came up to the stall adjacent to the one I was occupying. This
startled me. At least five other urinals were unoccupied.
Evidently, this man did not understand urinal etiquette. The
man forced me to discontinue my urine flow, and sadly, I was
unable to enjoy the rest of the game because of the uneasy
feeling in my bladder. Urinal etiquette should be second
nature and a natural reflex for men. I am a Proper Urinal
Utilizer. Though the lack of urinal decorum is a growing
epidemic, plaguing men universally, many Proper Urinal
Utilizers remain. We, Proper Urinal Utilizers, believe that
there are certain axioms of urinal propriety by which all men
should abide. These principles should be followed at all times
and should never be ignored or abandoned.
The problem that we seek to eliminate reaches far
beyond the stalls. It is an issue that goes to the heart of the
manner in which we, men, interact with each other. We, the
Proper Urinal Utilizers, are protective of our individual space;
we value our privacy. We do not wish to impose our own set
of beliefs and values on each other. We strive for
individualism and the right to express ourselves without
impeding another's right to do the same. Our whole moral
and social code can be irretrievably broken if we ignore urinal
decorum. If we cannot solve this problem, then we, the Proper
Urinal Utilizers, will be vanquished and anarchy will surely
follow.
The history of urinal etiquette is rooted in the
Harappan civilization of Pakistan and north-western India
around 2500 BC. The Harappan people created water flushing
toilets in each Harappan home that were connected by drains
covered with burnt clay bricks. Soon after the Harappan's
innovation of this toilet device, others caught on. Egyptians, in
the time of the Pharaohs, installed toilets in several homes,
and Roman civilization included toilets as part of their public
bath houses. With the installation and creation of the toilet
came the many precepts and foundations for bathroom
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etiquette. Now people were faced with the formidable
decisions as to where and how to urinate in public. When the
urinal was put in public male restrooms, these decisions
became even more crucial. Though there was no legislative
mandate, men working together did unanimously adopt the ten
the commandments of urinal decorum. These rules spread by
father to son, and were acknowledged and accepted by all men
thereafter.
The Ten Commandments of Urinal Etiquette:
IL
III.
IV.
V.
VI.
VII.
VIII.
IX.
X.
Thou shall not urinate directly next to thy
neighbor. There shall be a one urinal space
between thou and thy fellow urinater. (Follow
the "1-3-5" rule)
Thou shall not drop pants and underwear
completely .Respect thy fellow man.
Thou shall not peek at thy fellow urinater. Any
glances to the side or ground are suspect.
Thou shall not talk.
Thou shall not shoot for distance. Thou must
remain close to the urinal.
Thou shall not sing.
Thou shall not use the urinal for target practice.
Thou shall not leave feces or any other solid
object in the urinal. (cigarette butts, chewing
gum, etc.)
Thou shall not give handshake to thy neighbor
after urinal usage.
Thou shall not sigh or groan while urinating.
The protections against the invasion of privacy as set
forth in Commandments 1,3, and 4 relates to several other
historical and modern day occurences where individuals were
dehumanized and stripped of their innate and unalienable
rights of privacy and sequestration. A modern day example is
the USA Patriot Act passed by United States legislature
shortly after the terrorist attacks on 9/11. Although the Act
was passed by wide margins in both houses of Congress, it has
been criticized since its inception for weakening protection of
civil liberties. The act's allowance of "sneak and peek"
searches through homes by law enforcement is quite similar to
the "sneak and peek" tactics used by an Improper Urinal
Utilizer. These men infringe upon the Proper Urinal Utilizer's
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right to expose his male hardware in a setting that maximizes
his privacy and comfort. If the United States government
continues to pass acts like this, they will erode all of the
advances made by Proper Urinal Utilizers over the last
centuries, thereby rewarding the ubiquitous "sneak and
peekers."
One must look no further than the pre-Revolutionary
War to find a historical example of citizens' privacy being
breached. The Quartering Act was passed in 1765, and it was
designed to help Great Britain restore and retain imperial
control over the colonies. The Act provided that Great Britain
would house their soldiers in barracks, colonists' homes, and
public houses. The colonists were required to provide the
soldiers with food, alcohol and shelter, and the soldiers were
not expected to pay anything. The soldiers were imposing
themselves on the colonists just as an Improper Urinal Utilizer
imposes himself upon an unassuming Urinater. When an
Improper Urinal Utilizer decides to use the urinal directly next
to the urinal another person is occupying, they are not only
violating the first Commandment of Urinal Etiquette, but they
are also encroahing that individual's rights of privacy.
Infringements of this sort have undoubtedly become forms of
"Urinal Imperialism."
Many people might say that Commandments 4, 6, and
10 violate our freedom of speech, but the 14 Amendment
implicitly grants us all rights of privacy as well. Violations of
Commandments 4, 6, and 10 infringe on these rights of
privacy. The American Civil Liberties Union needs to address
these violations. Hopefully we will soon hear of the first piece
of litigation being filed in the Supreme Court works to protect
the civil rights of Proper Urinal Utilizers. The ACLU would
probably see a huge increase in donations if it took on such a
challenge that impacts all men in the United States. I am sure
that once we establish our own lobby group and retain
professional lobbyists, the ACLU will hear our cries and
swiftly act to protect our interest on these essential political
issues.
A federal law must be passed requiring all men to
obey and adhere to the 10 Commandments of Urinal Etiquette
as well. Violators of these commandments should be banned
from all public restrooms and required to do community
service. The first Commandment of Urinal Etiquette mandates
that men employ different urinal tactics. Where urinals are
more closely arranged, men can follow the so-called "1-3-5
th
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rule," under which they can only occupy the odd-numbered
urinals, thus leaving the even ones to serve as barriers. Of
course, this rule can be followed only when the facility's
instantaneous usage is low enough to permit using only every
other urinal. Partitions for privacy could obviate such a rule so
men need not be observant of the structural makeup of the
facility they are using. Hopefully, when our proposed
legislation does pass, urinals will be spaced far enough apart
to create an air of comfort. This would allow each man to
have his own "buffer zone." Proper Urinal Utilizers would not
be subjugated under the sphere of influence of another man.
We can not let this become the Cold War of Urinal Etiquette.
No man should be able to impose himself on another in a way
that resembles the Soviet Union's chokehold on Eastern
Europe, North Korea, Cuba and Vietnam. If we separate the
urinals farther apart, no Improper Urinal Utilizer will be able
to gain this kind of leverage. This would also help prevent
Commandments 1, 3, and 5 from being transgressed.
These rules must be adopted worldwide. The
Commandments should be framed to every restroom wall
around the world. This would be used as a tool to educate an
Improper Urinal Utilizer, and give them the opportunity to
correct their flawed urinal usage techniques. If these Improper
Urinal Utilizers continue to disregard these Commandments
even after reading them, then they shall be punished. One
would think that in the Middle-East the punishment for such
violations would be death. Considering the magnitude of such
a transgression, I would have to say this result is not too harsh.
Each urinal should at least have a sensor on it that detects a
contravention of these Commandments. When the sensor
identifies the violation, a built-in taser will shock the man,
further enstilling the necessity of urinal propriety.
We, Proper Urinal Utilizers, must stand together. If
we do not act, then our breed may forever become extinct. No
man should be subjected to the malevolent mannerisms of the
Improper Urinal Utilizer. It is these mannerisms that will
cause the pillars of society to crumble and destroy the social
fiber of our world. Cultural and societal progression depends
on the prompt resolution of this problem. These seemingly
simple incidents are not just crippling one's enjoyment at a
ball game. They are crippling society at large.
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