MAYHEM
Issue Two – November 2014
ISSN 2382-0322
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Karl Guethert
8 Simple Rules
People often ask how I became such a successful author. I laugh, and tell them it was inevitable.
But then they ask: “Well, how did you do it?” I simply stare at them. Wild eyed. Really make
them squirm. It’s best when I don’t blink. If that fails to scare them off, I’ll be forced to sigh and
actually offer them advice. Something along the lines of:
Step 1: Get plenty of rest before you start writing. About 18 hours straight should suffice. If you
have trouble getting to sleep, a few glasses of bourbon are likely to be beneficial.
Step 2: Use your dreams as inspiration. However, be careful how you word the story. Don’t
outright state that you rode down the street on the back of a giant hotdog, for example.
Especially leave out that your mother (in a bikini) was throwing handfuls of coins at you.
Instead, be creative. Suggest that the person riding the hotdog was your nemesis. Strongly imply
that this happened in real life. Deny that it was a dream. Fabricate photos if you have to.
Step 3: Pick up a pen and paper. You’ll want to glare at these for a long time. Keep glaring. Then
throw them away and get out your laptop you Stone Age idiot.
Step 4: Set the mood. Some people suggest playing soft, non-intrusive music in the background.
Others prefer sitting alone, in peace, listening to the ‘universe to guide them’. Those writers are
nothing more than stupid hippies. They need to get their heads out of their arses and actually
learn how to write. All you need is to crank some heavy metal and headbang your story onto the
keyboard.
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© Copyright remains with the individual author
MAYHEM
Issue Two – November 2014
ISSN 2382-0322
______________________________________________________________________________
Step 5: Throw away your first draft. Everyone knows that those are always shit. Always. Don’t
be fooled into thinking that you can salvage parts of it for later use. Never even try to tuck the
draft away somewhere for ‘safe keeping’. No good will ever come of it. If possible, set fire to
your laptop and throw it off a bridge.
Step 6: Re-write the whole thing from scratch. This time, do it properly. If you’re as talented an
author as you think, you won’t need to do any editing. If you need to edit, you’re not trying hard
enough, and should repeat Step 5.
Step 7: Get published. Take your finished masterpiece into the nearest publishing house and get
yourself into print. If they tell you to bugger off explain to them that they’re missing out on the
profit-maker of the century. Preferably via insightful hand gestures and profanity. Where viable,
utilize flaming dog poo.
Step 8: Rest on your laurels. I like to recommend this step for any endeavour – especially if you
have a large ego like myself. If you are not so ego-endowed, writing isn’t for you. Get back to
hugging those trees. If you’ve followed Steps 1 through 7 with precise care, your bank should
start calling you (repeatedly) to ask if you’d like to move all your money to a larger facility.
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© Copyright remains with the individual author