CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE
DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM IN YOUR CHILD
THROUGH ENCOURAGEMENT
A graduate project submitted in partial satisfaction of
the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts in
Education, Educational Psychology,
Counseling and Guidance
by
Suzanne Pietropaolo Miller
May, 1987
The Graduate Project of Suzanne Pietropaolo Miller is
approved:
California State University, Northridge
ii
,,
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Abstract
iv
Chapter
1.
Page
INTRODUCTION
1
Rationale
2.
1
PHILOSOPHY
3
Encouragement
3.
SCRIPT
4
13
REFERENCES
33
iii
'
(l
ABSTRACT
DEVELOPING SELF-ESTEEM IN YOUR CHILD
THROUGH ENCOURAGEMENT
by
Suzanne Pietropaolo Miller
Master of Arts in Education, Educational Psychology
Counseling and Guidance
A twenty-three minute video based on Adlerian
concepts aimed at helping parents develop self-esteem
in their young children through the process of encouragement is presented.
The video includes examples of appro-
priate and inappropriate parental behavior with preschool
and elementary school-age children.
Interview selections
with Dr. Loren Grey, a prominent Adlerian psychologist,
offer guidance principles for parents.
The twelve
principles discussed in the video are:
1)
Give children quiet time each day so they may
learn how to entertain themselves.
2)
Help children feel useful by letting them experiment with different skills.
3)
Be patient with children when they are attempting
new skills.
4)
Avoid judging children according to a parent's
high standards.
5)
Separate the deed from the doer.
iv
Focus on the
'
behavior and not on the child as a person.
6)
Avoid humiliating children.
Take them aside when
parents needs to speak to them about their misbehaving.
7)
Let children make decisions appropriate for their
age.
8)
Avoid comparing children.
9)
Look for
the positive in each situation.
10)
Notice effort and improvement.
11)
Avoid overprotecting.
12)
Acknowledge children's feelings.
v
Chapter l
INTRODUCTION
The purpose of this project is to illustrate several
ways for parents to use encouragement in developing
positive self-esteem in young children.
Adlerian psychological approach,
Based upon the
it is the contention of
this author that encouragement techniques lead to confidence and courage in children.
The remainder of this
paper is composed of two major components:
Chapter 2 deals
with basic Adlerian concepts, and Chapter 3 is the script
of the accompanying video-tape.
The script can be used
independently or in conjunction with the video-tape.
Rationale
Today's parents are faced with the tremendous task of
raising their children in a culture that has changed
dramatically in the last century.
The changes of the past
few decades have improved the quality of life.
as a result of technological advancements,
mobility and changing values,
of the traditional family.
However,
increased
there has been a disruption
An increasing number of
children are being raised in households where the responsibility for both parenting and financial support are
assumed by a single parent.
The demands of such responsi-
bilities can be overwhelming.
One advancement which has virtually changed our
society is the development of television and related video
technology.
With the current emphasis on video
1
2
entertainment,
parents and children have put aside books
as a source of recreation and relaxation and have taken to
sitting mesmerized by television's repetitious,
programming.
However,
commercial
this same medium also provides the
opportunity for learning through the presentation of ideas
and practical demonstrations.
It is through television and the use of video cassette recorders that the author hopes to educate parents.
A video is presented based upon Adlerian philosophy to
offer help to parents who are struggling to raise their
children in this technological age.
The video attempts to
show how self-confidence and self-worth can be developed
in a child through the use of encouragement.
In the proposed video,
the author hopes to reach
parents through different modalities -- by listening,
seeing and reading.
By seeing examples demonstrated,
parents can effectively recreate these examples in their
family environments.
Research has indicated that many
behaviors are learned through observing (Bandura,
1965,
1977).
In the past,
parenting videos have been marketed to
professionals and a select number of professional groups.
The author hopes to make this video available to the
general public to inform parents who either do not have
the time to read parenting books or who prefer to watch
and learn through example.
3
Chapter 2
PHILOSOPHY
The psychological approach which is used in the video
is that of Alfred Adler.
One of Adler's basic principles
is that man is a social being.
Adler (1957,
1963) defines
Geimeinschaftsgefuhl, or social interest, as the cooperation with people and the feeling of belonging ahd participating with others for the common good.
Man's survival
is based upon this cooperation with others.
Because of
this necessity to interact with others, man needs to be
accepted.
This concept is the basis for human motivation
(Dreikurs,
1958).
Adler's philosophy is based upon the developing
uniqueness of each individual.
as a
He refers to the human not
"being" but as a "becoming" (Adler,
1957).
constantly striving toward an ideal form.
Man is
VJhile an indi-
vidual's actions are directed toward a specific goal,
the
goal is not always evident because each person's interpretation of reality is different.
Therefore,
a particular individual's behavior,
to understand
one must examine
this person's background and past experiences and how
these are uniquely perceived.
The pattern which develops
as a result of a person's experiences with family and
environment and the individual's interpretation of these
experiences is known as a "life style" (Dinkmeyer,
In our society,
1963).
the family has changed from an
autocratic system of submission to a democratic system of
4
equality (Dreikurs
& Grey,
Equality means that
1968).
people have an equal right to dignity and respect
(Dreikurs
& Saltz,
1964).
of the Western culture.
The desire for equality is part
This desire has affected the
relationship between parents and children in that children
now expect to be treated as equals.
Parents need to teach
their children how to use their right to equality.
Once
children realize that every act has a consequence for
which they are responsible,
they have a
better chance to
learn the meaning of equality.
According to Dreikurs and Saltz (1964),
there are
three factors which affect the development of the child's
personality;
1.
The family atmosphere -
family's values and mores.
The child absorbs the
A child's attitudes develop
based upon the relationships with family members.
2.
The family constellation -
The relationship of
each member of the family to one another will determine
the role the child takes based upon his or her interpretation of the situation.
3.
Methods of training -
The basic strategies that
parents use in raising children are methods of training
(i.e.
the use of natural and logical consequences,
avoidance of punishment and reward,
the
respect for the child,
respect for the rights of others, and most importantly
encouragement).
project.
Encouragement is the focus of this
5
Encouragement
Encouragement,
the process whereby you focus on the
assets and strengths of children to build their selfconfidence (Dinkmeyer
& McKay,
1982), is one of the most
important aspects of child rearing.
It is important to
~re
convey to children that you accept them as they
not how you would like them to be.
and Soltz,
According to Dreikurs
"Each child needs continuous encouragement
just as a plant needs water.
He cannot grow and develop
and gain a sense of belonging without it" (1964,
To the small child,
place.
capable,
and
p.
36).
the world can be a discouraging
Adults are not only physically larger and more
but also more intelligent.
children are extremely courageous,
Nonetheless,
small
considering the
mistakes and inadequacies they face each day.
They
continually try to master skills such as talking and
walking despite their numerous failures.
~vhat
gives them
the ability to persist is their courage.
Courage is the ability to make decisions without fear
after having evaluated the consequences of the act.
Being
able to act with confidence and self-assurance in whatever
situations arise is the basis for courage (Dinkmeyer,
1963).
Discouraged individuals are ones who lack confi-
dence in their ability to deal with situations that arise.
This leads to feelings of inadequacy.
Dreikurs and Soltz (1964) believe that encouragement
6
(1
should begin at a very early age in a child's life.
The
mother or primary caretaker is the child's first
relationship with society.
this primary caretaker,
As children learn to trust
they become confident in expanding
their relationships to include other family members,
neighborhood,
their
their community and ultimately the world.
It is therefore important that this first contact with
society be one of love,
trust and acceptance.
Parents can begin the teaching of encouragement by
setting aside a small amount of time each day for their
children to learn to amuse themselves by using the
Children learn to become free from
resources available.
the need for constant attention while at the same time
learning to play on their own.
By playing independently,
children are learning to become self-sufficient,
satisfying a primary goal of child rearing.
thereby
If children
rely constantly on being entertained by their parents,
they become accustomed to having their own way (Adler,
1956).
Frustration results,
controls the parents'
as the "spoiled" child now
time and attention.
Another way of encouraging children is to let them
attempt skills on their own.
their parents,
world.
Children are happy emulating
and it helps them feel in control of their
Too often parents become impatient with their
children's slow and imperfect methods of performing
routine tasks (i.e.
etc.).
getting dressed,
As a result,
cleaning their room,
parents tend to complete the tasks
'
7
themselves denying children a valuable learning
By completing the child's tasks,
experience.
parents
relay the message that they are doubting the child's
ability.
For example,
themselves,
when children attempt to dress
parents often in haste will step in and finish
dressing the child in order to save time.
ConsequentlY.',
parents unknowingly discourage'their children by making
them feel inadequate.
A preferred method would be to
allow children to attempt to put on their clothes, while
offering encouraging statements such as,
"I like the way
you're trying to put on your clothes," or "Look at my big
boy putting on his own clothes." Children need to learn to
take care of themselves in order to develop independence.
In addition to encouraging children's attempts to
learn new skills on their own,
it is the parents'
job to
allow children to explore their capabilities without
constantly judging them by their own prejudices and high
expectations.
Parents can learn to lower their standards
and accept children's efforts despite their inadequacies.
Redoing a child's task also shows that the parent doubts
his or her ability.
Instead of criticizing children,
parents could offer subtle suggestions such as "What would
happen if ..• ?" or "How do you think i t would look if .•. "
Parents must learn to be realistic in their expectations of their children.
Overambitious parents are often
concerned with children being the best while overlooking
the unique potential of each child.
Parents often set
8
standards that are unattainable.
This can cause discour-
agement by making children feel as if they are not
worthwhile unless they are the best.
Parents need to
accept children's efforts and failures as well as
successes (Dinkmeyer and McKay,
more important than the results.
The efforts are
1982).
By being positive and
pointing out children's strengths rather than weaknesses,
parents are encouraging their children.
It is also important to separate the deed from the
doer
(Dreikurs
&
Soltz,
1964).
A distinction should be
made between the behavior as opposed to the personality or
character of the child.
misbehaving,
For example,
if a child is
a parent might comment on the fact that he or
she is not behaving nicely as opposed to referring to the
child as a "bad boy" or "bad girl." Children come to
understand that it is their behavior that is not
appropriate,
and should not be made to feel as though they
are a failure as a
person.
Likewise,
the parent should
comment on the behavior or task in positive situations.
For example,
"I like the way you're playing," as opposed
to "You're a good girl."
Dinkmeyer and McKay (1982) believe that it is
important to look for the positive in each situation.
If
children bring home school work that makes them unhappy,
parents should first comment on the positive aspects.
By
pointing out that it is the children who are unhappy with
the grades and not the parents,
children realize that they
9
are loved for who they are and not for what they have
attained.
After the positive aspects have been discussed,
parents can focus on areas that need improvement.
One mistake parents often make is constant interfering when their children become involved in disagreements with other children.
Children need to learn how to
solve problems on their own.
Parents who continually rush
in to appease screaming children are denying them the
opportunity to work out their own problems.
Once children
realize that their parents will not come rushing to their
rescue every moment,
there is a better chance that the
demand for the parents'
attention will stop.
Naturally,
there are times when a parent needs to intervene (such as
when their child is in physical danger).
Another common mistake that leads to discouragement
is when parents embarrass their children in the presence
of their friends.
Yelling or spanking a child in front of
others is a humiliating experience for the child.
It
takes a few extra seconds to talk privately to children
about their misbehavior.
By taking them aside,
children
are spared from a discouraging experience.
Discouraged children are ones who no longer try to
seek approval through positive contributions because they
now doubt their self-worth.
They have lost confidence in
themselves and in their ability.
As a result,
these
children seek attention through negative behavior because
it is better to be noticed through misbehaving rather than
10
not at all.
A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
& Saltz,
(Dreikurs
1964).
Discouragement can also arise when parents promote
Children who do
competition between siblings or friends.
not perform as well as the older or smarter siblings often
consider themselves failures and come to see situations as
In these cases,
hopeless.
parents should refrain from
using a sibling as an example because the goals may be
unrealistic from one child to the next.
Parents should
concentrate on each child's positive attributes to build
confidence.
It is important to avoid discouraging remarks such
as,
"Be a good girl \vhile Nommy's gone."
This lack of
faith reinforces expectations that the child might behave
poorly.
The parent should not anticipate the child's bad
behavior.
However,
if the child is misbehaving the parent
might say,
"It looks like you're having trouble behaving."
Statements such as "You've been a naughty boy," focus on
the child instead of the behavior.
Encouragement is aimed at motivating children through
internal means (Dinkmeyer and McKay,
1982).
Encouraged
children will often behave in an appropriate manner
through their own accord.
Unlike encouragement,
focuses on external rewards.
according to their parent's
When children perform
expectations,
they are often
praised for the result instead of the effort.
the child receives is,
praise
The message
"I am only worthwhile when I
please
11
others" (Dinkmeyer and HcKay,
1982).
given for effort and improvement,
Encouragement is
not just for the final
result.
Encouragement is an attitude that is expressed
throughout a child's life, whereas discipline techniques
such as reward and punishment often result in short-term
effects that need to be repeated constantly.
Children
often come to expect rewards for any and all appropriate
behavior.
(Dreikurs
Encouragement is needed when a child fails
&
Grey,
1968).
Children usually sense when parents feel inadequate
and hopeless in dealing with them.
A vicious cycle of
discouragement will result in both the parent and child
(Dreikurs
&
Soltz,
1964).
In order to break this cycle,
parents need to learn to cope more effectively through
encouragement.
Once the parents'
confidence returns,
they
are able to encourage their children successfully and with
greater sincerity.
Encouragement is the process of building self-esteem
in your children by accepting them as they are.
The
process of encouragement begins early in childhood and is
aimed at helping the child become independent.
ing children have usually become discouraged.
ment can arise from high expectations,
tion and negative remarks.
for
MisbehavDiscourage-
promoting competi-
Encouragement involves looking
the positive in situations and helping children work
toward their potential by giving unconditional support and
12
love.
The remainder of this paper is composed of a
tran-
script of the accompanying video tape which illustrates
the concept of encouragement.
" .
Chapter 3
SCRIPT
INT.
CHILD Is NUH.SERY
A mother is rocking and talking to her newborn baby.
NARRATOR
To small children, the world can
be a discouraging place.
They are
born helpless, surrounded by adults
who are more capable and efficient
than they are.
A mother is diapering her baby.
NARRATOR
Young children are not able to
feed or dress themselves.
EXT.
BACKYARD
A child is attempting to walk.
NARRATOR
Yet, children continues to try over
and over again to master their world.
What gives children the ability to
persist is their courage.
This natural
desire to succeed is very fragile and
it needs to be nourished throughout their
lives.
INT.
Dr.
FAMILY ROON
Loren Grey speaking with sound under.
NARRATOR
Dr. Loren Grey, an author and psychologist specializing in child rearing,
believes that encouragement should
begin very early in the child's life.
DR. GREY
Dreikurs used to say that children
need encouragement like a plant needs
water and I think i t ' s ~ very true
statement.
INT.
CHILD'S BEDROOM
A mother is playing basketball with her son.
13
14
NARRATOR
The ultimate goal in child rearing is
to help the child become a welladjusted, self-sufficient person.
This task begins at infancy.
The
parent begins teaching independence
by setting aside a small amount of
time each day for the children to
learn how to entertain themselves
using the resources available.
MOTHER
Brett, you know what?
Mommy's
going to have to go into the other
room for just a little bit. O.K?
SON
No.
MOTHER
Yeah.
And you're going to stay
and play by yourself. O.K?
Here
are some toys.
All right.
Here's
your Pound Puppy.
O.K.
You play
in the basket and I ' l l be back.
NARRATOR
While this child is learning how to
amuse himself, he is becoming independent of the need for constant
attention.
INT. KITCHEN
A father is preparing their dog's dinner.
Can I
CHILD
help you feed the dog?
No,
FATHER
sweetie, you're too young.
No,
I'm not!
CHILD
I'm not too young.
FATHER
When you get older.
CHILD
I'm old enough.
NARRATOR
This child has been reminded how
15
small and inadequate she is.
Parents
should ask themselves are a few
spills more important than damaging
a child's self-esteem.
Spills can
be cleaned, but a child's courage
is not as easily repaired.
INT. KITCHEN
A mother is preparing dinner
NARRATOR
Here is a better example of how
you can build confidence in your
children by allowing them to feel
useful.
Mommy,
CHILD
can I help you ?
MOTHER
You want to help me?
Sure.
Come
on.
Do you want to stir if for me?
CHILD
Yeah.
MOTHER
Thanks.
Let me just pour these
in.
O.K.
You stir it ever so
gently.
O.K?
Thanks.
Boy, won't
daddy be proud when he hears that
you helped make dinner
Child nods.
INT.
CHILD'S BEDROOM
A child is playing with his train set.
NARRATOR
Children are happy emulating their
parents and it helps them feel in
control of their world.
As parents,
it is important to be patient
with your children.
Let them
attempt skills on their own.
FATHER
Danny, i t ' s time to go to the
party.
Let's get your shoes on
so you won't be late.
16
The child puts his sock on.
FATHER
Well, look at my big boy putting
his own socks.
NARRATOR
Try to remember that a few extra
seconds being patient with your
children when they are attempting
a new skill is more important
in the long run than rushing off
to an engagement.
CLOSE:
THE FATHER'S FACE
FATHER
That's good!
You're growing up
so fast.
What a big guy!
Look
at him putting on his socks all
by himself!
The child putting on his shoes.
FATHER
I ' l l tie it up for you.
Well,
I'm glad we left some extra time
so you could show me what a big
boy you are by putting those on
by yourself.
Come on.
Let's
go to the party.
INT. CHILD'S BEDROOM
A child is making her bed.
NARRATOR
One mistake parents often make
is judging their children based
upon their own high standards.
After this child made her bed,
the mother was dissatisfied with
the results.
MOTHER
Look at this!
Look at these wrinkles.
And you know I don't like the pillows
here.
I can't believe it.
How many
times have I told you to do your best?
CLOSE:
CHILD'S UNHAPPY FACE
17
NARRATOR
This parent is doubting the child's
ability.
The child in turn will
believe that she is incapable of
doing things and become discouraged.
The same child attempting to make her bed.
NARRATOR
Let's watch as this same mother
encourages her child by appreciating
the effort.
Without redoing the
bed, the mother offers a subtle
suggestion.
HOTHER
You know what?
Look how these
hearts go that way and these hearts
go this way.
How do you think
it would look if you turned it
around?
The child turns a
pillow over.
HOTHER
Do you like that a little bit
better?
Huh, Barbie?
Perfect.
You did such a good job.
The
bed looks beautiful.
Thank you
for helping me.
CHILD
You're welcome.
The mother and child hug.
EXT.
BACK YARD
Two children are playing beside a swing set.
NARRATOR
One way of helping our children
grow toward independence is by
letting them work out problems
with their friends on their own.
Please could I
It's my turn.
No!
BOY
play with the ball?
GIRL
I'm still playing with it!
18
BOY
You've had the ball a long time
and I haven't had it at all.
GIRL
O.K.
The two children play harmoniously.
NARRATOR
Dr. Loren Grey.
DR. GREY
Children have to be left to their
own resources particularly in
social situations to try to solve
their own problems.
EXT.
PLAYGROUND
A group of children are playing in the sandbox.
NARRATOR
At other times, it may be necessary
for the parent to intervene.
Let's watch this situation unfold
where two common mistakes are made
when intervening in children's
disagreements.
One child throws sand on another child.
Danny,
MOTHER
stop throwing that sand.
The child ignores his mother and continues to throw sand.
The mother yells at her child and spanks him.
MOTHER
Do not ever throw sand.
The child cries after he is spanked.
MOTHER
You've been a very bad boy!
CLOSE:
THE CHILD CRYING
NARRATOR
This mother has made no distinction
between her child's behavior and
the child himself.
She has
reinforced the child's image of
19
himself as a "bad boy".
Instead
of calling her child a bad boy,
this mother should have spoken to
her child about his behavior.
This lets the child know that it
is his behavior that is not acceptable and not the child himself.
In addition, this child is further
discouraged when his mother embarrasses him in front of his friends.
The same group of children playing in the sandbox.
NARRATOR
Let's watch another mother handle
the same situation in a more
positive way.
A different child throws sand and his mother quietly leads
him away from the other children.
MOTHER
Johnny, come here.
It looks like
you're have trouble playing nicely.
You're going to have to stay here
until you play nicely.
The child playing alone in the sand,
NARRATOR
By taking her child aside, this
mother spared her child from humiliation.
It's much easier to
yell, but by taking the few extra
seconds to talk to your child
quietly away from others, spares
the child from a discouraging
moment.
This mother also focused
on the fact that her child was
not playing nicely as opposed to
making him feel as if he is a
bad person.
The child goes over to where the mother is sitting.
CHILD
I'm going to play nicely.
NOTHER
O.K.
You're going to play nicely?
The child returns to the other children.
20
NARRATOR
Making decisions is important in
developing self-esteem.
By allowing children the opportunity to
decide on their own as to when
they're ready to behave gives
children a feeling of control of
their world.
EXT.
FRONT YARD
Two children are walking home from school.
NARRATOR
In this situation, the mother will
unknowingly discourage her children
by comparing one child to the
other.
DR. GREY
A parent should never compare one
child with another one on anything
that is apt to cause one child to
feel that he's less than another.
I think that's very important.
The children walk in the front door.
BOY
Mom, we're home!
The children greet the mother in the living room.
Hi kids,
school?
Good.
today.
MOTHER
how was your day at
BOY
We got our report cards
Look at mine.
MOTHER
Patrick, this is a terrific
report card!
You got almost all
A's.
Mathematics, Science, English.
This is great!
I'm glad you're
so smart.
You're dad's going to
be very proud of you.
You know,
why don't we put this on the
refrigerator for everybody to see.
This is a great report card.
Carolyn, what about your report
card?
21
GIRL
It's not very good and i t ' s not
my fault either.
fviOTHER
No, i t ' s not a good report card.
It's a terrible, terrible
report card.
I'm very disappointed in you.
Why can't
you be as smart as your
brother?
Your father is going
to be furious when he sees
this.
This is no good at all!
CLOSE:
CHILD'S FACE
NARRATOR
This child is discouraged.
One
reason is because she is being
compared to her younger brother.
The message this child is
receiving is "I'm not worthy of
my mom's love because I'm not
smart enough."
Remember that no
two children are alike and each
should be recognized for their
own potential.
Promoting competition is never encouraging.
DR. GREY
If a child feels that he's not
performing well enough in a particular area, and let's say his
brother or sister is performing
better, he may think that there's
no use in trying, so he just
quits.
The two children sitting on the couch.
GIRL
I'm
I quit!
I hate school!
never going to be as smart as
him.
Ever.
CLOSE:
INT.
The boy smirking at his sister.
KITCHEN AND DINING AREA
A mother is preparing snacks for her children.
NARRATOR
Let's see how a parent can provide
22
encouragement to this same
situation.
The children walk in.
MOTHER
Are you hungry?
School was O.K?
BOY
Yeah.
We got our report cards
today and I got almost all A's
and B's.
MOTHER
All right.
Let me see this.
It
looks like you're really enjoying
school!
The mother kisses her son.
Mommy, can I
my grades?
BOY
go call Daddy about
MOTHER
That's a good idea.
Why don't
you go do that.
We'll talk more
about them later.
BOY
All right.
The mother sits down with her daughter.
Hi,
MOTHER
how was school today?
GIRL
Fine,
I
guess.
MOTHER
Fine, you guess.
You don't sound
very happy.
Where's my cheerful
girl?
GIRL
I
don't know.
HOTHER
Did you get your report card
today?
23
GIRL
Yeah.
Here it is.
very good grades.
I
didn't get
HOTHER
You're not very happy with these?
Anything in particular that you're
not happy with?
GIRL
Science.
HOTHER
Science?
You usually like science.
You're reading grade is real good.
You did a nice job with reading.
They're not so bad.
Maybe they
need some work.
School takes a
lot of work some times.
Doesn't
it?
GIRL
Yeah.
HOTHER
Science?
You'd like to work on
your science grade.
We could do
that.
You are terrific.
I have
an idea.
You know there's that
marine biology museum.
Do you
want to go on Saturday?
GIRL
Yeah!
HOTHER
Yeah, you'd like that.
Haybe
we could work together on your
report for Science that goes in
next week on humpback whales.
GIRL
Can Julie come too?
HOTHER
Sure, Julie can come too.
But
we're going to have to work together
on getting some information on
that report.
GIRL
O.K.
24
NARRATOR
A parent's love and acceptance
should not be based upon a child's
performance.
This mother mentio~ed
that it was her child and not herself that was disappointed.
She
was also careful not to embarrass
her daughter in front on her younger
brother.
No comparisons were made
between them.
Also, the mother
looked for the positive point in
the report card first.
INT.
DINING AREA
A child is working on her homework.
NARRATOR
Here is another example of how
a parent can look for the positive
in a situation.
HOTHER
Kristen, how are you doing with
your homework?
Fine.
Mom,
CHILD
I'm practicing my B's.
HOTHER
Let me see.
That's a great B,
Kristen.
Look, the top bump is
smaller than the bottom one and
they touch the top line and the
bottom line.
That's great!
Let
me see you make a line of those,
just like that.
NARRATOR
This mother found the one letter
that was printed correctly and
pointed i t out to her child while
ignoring the letters that were
less than perfett.
CHILD
Like that, mom?
MOTHER
That's great.
Keep up the good
work.
Do some more.
25
DR. GREY
I think you should always focus
on the positive as much as you
can and avoid the negative.
CLOSE:
CHILD'S FACE
NARRATOR
When focusing on the positive, it
is important to make the distinction between praise and encouragement.
Praise is given at the
conclusion of a given task if it
is performed to satisfaction.
Encouragement, on the other hand,
recognizes effort and improvement.
Let's look at some differences
between praise and encouragement.
INT.
DINING AREA
A child is looking at a
test paper.
HOTHER
Hey, Eric.
I see that you got
an A on your spelling test.
That's really terrific.
CHILD
Yeah, but guess what?
Only five
people got an A on their spelling
test including me, but Brad got
it wrong.
MOTHER
Well, that's too bad for Brad.
But now that I know that you
can get an A on your paper, I ' l l
expect you to bring home A's
on all of your papers.
CHILD
You really think that?
Mother nods
CLOSE:
CHILD'S FACE
NARRATOR
Praise often encourages competitive
behavior thereby making the children
feel worthwhile only if they are
the best or top scorer.
Dr. Loren
0
•
26
Grey reminds us that setting standards that are too high can only
lead to discouragement.
INT.
DR. GREY
What I think you should do is set
a standard for each child that is
separate from that of any other
child and one that you know he
can perform and then you just kind
of expect he can perform it and
encourage him and most of the
time he will.
DINING AREA
A child is looking over her test paper.
NARRATOR
Encouragement focuses on the positive and recognizes effort and
improvement.
Hi, Daina.
hun?
MOTHER
How was school today,
CHILD
Fine.
MOTHER
What's the matter?
CHILD
Mom, remember my math test today?
I got a D on it.
I think I'm
never going to understand this.
MOTHER
Well, let me see.
Look at this
one.
You got this one right.
If you figured out how to do
this one, I'm sure we can figure
out how to do the other sets.
CHILD
I still don't think I'm going
to understand it.
MOTHER
Well, sure you can.
Remember how
you didn't think you'd ever understand subtraction and we worked
ort it and figured it out and now
Q •
27
i t ' s a snap.
do that.
So let's try and
CHILD
I thought I'd never understand
subtraction, but now I do.
I
think I ' l l understand this.
Well,
MOTHER
let's give it a try.
CHILD
O.K.
NOTHER
Well, how about let's have a yummy
dinner and then we'll get back
to it.
Relax and have a nice
dinner.
CHILD
0. K.
CLOSE:
EXT.
CHILD'S FACE
PLAYGROUND
A mother is watching her child climb a slide.
NARRATOR
Another way of discouraging a
child is through overprotection.
MOTHER
Hold on now.
Watch your step.
No, be very careful up there
now.
It's too high.
Hold on.
Corne on down.
Corne on down.
I don't like this at all.
Get
down right now.
It's too high.
Come back down.
Don't go down
that slide.
I mean it.
Careful
now.
Watch your step.
Now
you be careful.
Hold on tight.
Dr.
NARRATOR
Loren Grey
DR GREY
We're going to go through life
with bumps and bruises and negative things, but if the mother
is always around to protect the
28
child and keep him from facing
these things, then when he grows
up, he's not able to face them
at all on his own.
INT.
CHILD'S BEDROOM
A child is lying in bed.
NARRATOR
If your child is hurt, either
emotionally or physically, it is
important to adknowledge their
feelings.
Yes, it hurts or I
know that you are feeling angry
are words that let your child
know that your understand how
they feel.
The child's father sits down on the bed with his daughter.
Oh, dear.
doing?
FATHER
How's my little girl
CHILD
These chicken pox itch.
FATHER
They're pretty uncomfortI bet.
able, I bet.
I remember mine
sure were.
CHILD
Dad, I wish I could go to school.
I'm tired of being in bed.
FATHER
I ' l l bet you're really tired of
being in bed.
It gets boring
after about a week.
Well, listen.
You'll be going back to school
in about two or three days once
you get a little bit better.
You
sure wouldn't want the other kids
to get your chicken pox, would
you?
No.
Well, I think you're
just about over them.
I think
in about two or three days you'll
be able to go back to school.
See Tricia again and all of your
friends.
Would that make you
happy?
29
Child nods.
FATHER
Good.
Well, you can look forward
to that then.
How about a kiss
for dad?
The father and child kiss.
CLOSE;
The father exits the room.
CHILD'S FACE
NARRATOR
Let's go back and review some of
the important points mentioned.
INT.
CHILD'S BEDROOM
A child is playing with his train set.
GRAPHIC:
1.
Allow quiet time daily.
NARRATOR
Give children quiet time each
day so they may learn how to
entertain themselves.
INT.
KITCHEN
A child is stirring noodles.
GRAPHIC:
skills.
2.
Let children experiment with different
NARRATOR
Help children feel useful by
letting them experiment with
different skills.
INT.
CHILD'S BEDROOM
A child is preparing to put on his shoes and socks.
GRAPHIC:
3.
Be patient.
NARRATOR
Be patient with children when
they are attempting new skills.
INT.
CHILD'S BEDROOM
A mother is remaking a child's bed.
30
GRAPHIC:
4.
Don't judge by your own high standards.
NARRATOR
Don't judge children according
to your own high standards.
Remember that they are children
and are in the process of learning
how to master their world.
EXT.
PLAYGROUND
A mother is talking to her child.
GRAPHIC:
5.
Separate the deed from the doer.
NARRATOR
Separate the deed from the doer.
Focus on the behavior and not
on the child as a person.
EXT.
PLAYGROUND
A mother is spanking her child.
GRAPHIC:
6.
Avoid humiliation.
NARRATOR
Avoid humiliating your children.
Take them aside and speak to them
quietly when you need to speak
about their misbehaving.
EXT.
PLAYGROUND
A mother and child are talking.
GRAPHIC:
7.
Let children make decisions.
NARRATOR
Let children make decisions
appropriate for their age.
When
removing a child from a misbehaving situation, let them decide
as to when they are ready to
cooperate.
INT.
LIVING ROOH
A brother and sister are sitting beside each other.
GRAPHIC:
8.
Don't compare children.
31
NARRATOR
Never compare one child to another.
Remember that no two children are
alike.
INT.
DINING ROOH
A mother is pointing to her daughter's homework.
GRAPHIC:
0./
.
Look for the positive.
NARRATOR
Look for the positive in each
situation.
INT.
DINING ROOH
A mother is pointing to her daughter's test paper.
GRAPHIC:
EXT.
10.
Notice effort and improvement.
NARRATOR
Notice effort and improvements
not just accomplishments.
PLAYGROUND
A child is coming down a slide.
GRAPHIC:
11.
Don't overprotect.
NARRATOR
Let children experiment with new
skills without overprotecting.
INT.
CHILD'S DEDROON
A father is talking to his sick daughter.
GRAPHIC:
12 •
Acknowledge children's feelings.
NARRATOR
Acknowledge children's feelings.
INT.
AND EXT.
A mother hugging her daughter.
NARRATOR
Most importantly, let your children
know how much you love them.
A mother pushing her son on a swing.
32
NARRATOR
Don't become discouraged if you
as parents sometimes feel as if
you are doing things all wrong.
Just stop and ask yourself what
you can do to make thingi better.
A father
playing with his son.
NARRATOR
Our job as parents is to take
our dependent children and in
the course of a few years, help
them develop into independent,
well-adjusted adults who feel
confident in themselves.
A mother taking to her daughter.
NARRATOR
This is done through the process
of encouragement, whereby, we
show our faith and confidence
in our children at every moment.
A mother holding her two children in a rocking_ chair.
NARRATOR
Our children's courage will be
nourished and grow in this environment of love and acceptance.
,, .
Q '
REFERENCES
Adler, A.
(1956).
The individual psychology of Alfred
Adler.
New York:
Basic Book.
Adler, A.
(1957).
Understanding human nature.
York:
Fawcett Premier.
New
Bandura, A.
(1965).
Behavioral modification through
modeling procedures.
In L. Drasher & L. P. Ullman
(Eds.),Research in behavior modification.
New York:
Holt, Rinehart and Winston.
Bandura, A.
(1977).
Social learning theorv.
Cliffs, N.J.:
Prentice-Hall.
Englewood
Dinkmeyer, D.
(1963).
Encouraging children to learn.
Englewood Cliffs, N.J.:
Prentice-Hall.
Dinkmeyer, D. & McKay, G. D.
(1982).
The parent's
handbook STEP:
Systematic training for effective
parenting.
Circle Pines, Minn.:
American Guidance
Service.
Dreikurs, R.
(1958).
The challenge of parenthood. New
York:
Sloan and Pearce.
Dreikurs, R. & Grey, L. (1968).
A new approach!£ discipline:
Logical consequences.
New York:
Hawthorn
Books, Inc.
Dreikurs, R.
challenge.
Dreikurs, R.
psychology.
& Soltz,
V.
New York:
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Children:
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The
(1950).
Fundamentals of Adlerian
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33