CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE
INEXPRESSIVENESS IN MALES
l\
.Causes and Effects
A thesis submitted in partial satisfaction of the
requirements for the degree of r.1aster of Arts in
Education,
Educational Psychology,
Counseling and Guidance
by
Nachmia Nadivi
June, 1979
The Thesis of Nachmia Nadivi is approved:
mt.
Joanne Cooper
Dr. Bernard Nisenholz
Dr.(Efzra Wyeth
Cow~ttee Chairperson
California State University, Northridge
ii
To Joe, Sophie, Guy, Shira and Netalie
Whose love, patience and support inspired me.
iii
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Page
ABSTRACT
~
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
e
•
v
Chapter
I.
II.
. III.
IV.
V.
VI.
VII.
INTRODUCTION
1
Purpose of the Study .
4
INEXPRESSIVENESS IN MALES
6
TRADITIONAL SEX ROLES
9
THE RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN MALE'S
INEXPRESSIVENESS AND RELUCTANCE
TO SEEK COUNSELING • . . • . .
28
EFFECTS OF MALE INEXPRESSIVENESS
ON HIS RELATIONSHIPS . • . •
34
Relationships With Same Sex
34
Relationships with Opposite Sex
39
THE HAZARDS OF BEH:JG INEXPRESSIVE
46
Effects on Physical Well Being .
48
Effects on Emotional Well Being
50
CONCLUSION
BIBLIOGRAPHY .
.
53
58
.
iv
ABSTRACT
INEXPRESSIVENESS IN MALES
· Causes and Effects
by
Nachmia Nadivi
Master of Arts in Education,
Educational Psychology,
Counseling and Guidance
Inexpressiveness has been part of the male's value
system for a long time.
A revie-v1 of relevant literature
reveals that male's inexpressiveness is promoted by
cultural expectations and is. associated with sex role
stereotyping.
Examination of the literature also makes it quite
obvious that inexpressiveness has a negative influence on
the emotional and physical well being of males.
Inexpres-
sivenss has been part of role conformity and recent literature claims that boredom, neurosis, psychosis, untimely
death and various diseases all seem to be the results of
the transactions between men and their interpersonal
v
·' environment.
Investigation of the effects of inexpressiveness
points out the fact that in light of present day emphasis
on the quality of relationships and the importance put
upon companionship and intimacy, inexpressiveness is
crippling a man's relationships with other men as well
as with women.
The position taken in this paper is that with the
change in women's sex role, it ls essential for men to
break the barriers of traditional sex roles or else their
unhappiness will increase and their emotional and physical
well being will deteriorate.
vi.
Chapter I
INTRODUCTION
Inexpressive, unemotional, instrumental, indepedent, rough and aggressive are only a few of the
adjectives used to describe the male in western society.
Women, on the other hand, are said to possess the exactly
opposite traits.
Cross cultural (Mead, 1961) and early
child developmental studies (Kohlberg, 1966) make it
obvious that the difference in traits between the sexes
originates from different cultural expectations rather
than natural differences.
Society manipulates the gender
role behavior by a system of rewards and punishments so
they can satisfy the needs of society (Mead, 1961) •
This paper deals with the issue of inexpressiveness which is recognized as a male's trait.
In the process of assigning sex roles according
to gender, society transmits explicit and implicit
expectations.
In order to be considered as a "real man,''
one should not seem weak, nor express fear, cry be
vulnerable, show empathy or dependency.
A "real man"
should be successful, rational, competitive, strong,
independent and dominant.
qualify for the title of
In general, in order to
11
a True Masculine Man, .. one
should be careful not to possess any of the so-called
1
2
feminine traits.
When it comes to the mental health profession,
there is evidence that clinicians have also a stereotypical image of a male, which influences their clinical
judgment (Braverman, 1970).
According to this judgment,
"True Masculine Traits" are perceived as socially desirable more often than the stereotypical traits that are
associated with women.
This stereotypical dichotomy
perceives a "Mentally Healthy" individual as a person
who does not question or deviate from his sex role.
As
such, any deviation on the part of the male toward the
traits assumed to be feminine would be considered
abnormal or maladjusted.
The stereotypical image of a male has persisted
for a long time.
However, society is beaming increas-
ingly mechanized and depersonalized.
The basic male's
identity as a "breadwinner" is under a constant pressure
and is associated with feelings of incompetence, isolation, self-estrangement and meaningless (Blauner 1 1964).
On the other hand, being dissatisfied with their sex
roles, women start to question them and make some
changes.
More than ever, women demand meaningful and
equal relationships with men.
They seek out jobs, and
as sex is freer today, women are becoming the initiators
of the relationship rather than the recipient of it.
Men face
a conflict which reflects society's ambiguity
3
in defining sex roles.
They see the loss of their sexual
dominance, power, status and job opportunities (Franks,
1974).
Men encounter distressful situations, but they
have to save face, to act like a man.
ignore their needs.
As such, men
They would not allow themselves to
express despair, inability to cope, existence of a problem and, on top of all, would not seek help.
This atti-
tude causes misery, unhappiness, and brings up the number
of physical and mental health casualties among males.
Rosenfeld (1975) refers to men as the "Endangered
Species," claiming that men die younger than women and
pointing a blaming finger toward cultural expectations.
Jourard (1971, p. 36) says:
Trying to seem manly is a kind of work, and
work imposes stress and consumes energy. Manliness then, seems to carry with it a chronic
burden of stress and energy expenditure which
could be a factor related to man's relatively
shorter life span.
Various studies (Jourard, 1971; Jomarovsky, 1974;
Balswick, 1977) found women to be more expressive of
love, happiness and sadness.
Taking self-disclosure or
expressiveness as a measure of openness (assuming tha·t
openness is a factor in mental health), suggests that
because men keep their selves to themselves they are
imposing on themselves an unnecessary burden of stress
(Jourard, 1971}.
This is the opposite of what women do;
they express themselves.
4
Purpose of the Study
I became interested in the subject of male
inexpressiveness after reading an article titled,
"Why Men Won't Seek Help"
(Collier, 1975).
Researching
further found very little material readily available.
It became clear to me that further investigation of the
subject is needed.
I felt that new awareness would be
beneficial to everyone; to the layman in his/her personal
life, to the professionals in the field of education, to
psychotherapists and to physicians.
Also I was present
at a workshop given by Herb Goldberg (1979) titled,
"Beyond Sex Roles."
In addition, I have had the chance
to hear at first hand, confessions of men who wanted to
show dependency and emotionality and did not know how.
Gathering information about the subject, I came
upon a confession made by a male student:
A 20th century American male feels trapped,
suppressed, suffocated by an uncaring stereotyping society. My individuality is labeled
queer and my interests unnatural because the
idea of seeing a baseball game . • . does not
send me into euphoric ecstasy.
I feel bitterness for the conforming role nature has forced
me to bear. Then again, nature is not to blame,
it is our society.
(Chafetz, 1974, pp. 59-60)
I became convinced that the problem of male's
inexpressiveness is of considerable interest to many
professional and lay people.
The purpose of this study is to aid those in the
mental health profession realize that by forming
5
stereotypical judgments on males they aid society in
blocking and trapping man's expressiveness.
By doing
this, they are becoming partially responsible for man's
unhappiness and their reluctance to seek medical and
psychological help.
Another purpose is to point out to
mothers, fathers, teachers, media authorities and writers
of
children'~
books that presenting the traditional male
sex role, or by advocating to children that "big boys
do not cry and big boys can do i t all by t.hemselves, 11
.'~··
, they do not help to produce heal thy, happy adults.
This paper is a literature review on the subject
of male's inexpressiveness.
Also, i t contains a review
of ideas presented in a recent workshop (Goldberg, 1979).
Chapters II through VI discuss sex role stereotyping of
the male child and the effect it has on his emotional and
physical well being as an adult.
Chapter VII will review
the options of the contemporary male.
Chapter II
INEXPRESSIVENESS IN HALES
In accord with his sex role expectations of being
tough .. unsentimental and emo·tionaLLy inexpressive,
research shows that the male reveals less personal
information about himself to others than women do.
study conducted by Jourard and Laskow (1971)
facto.rs in self disclosure, reveals t.ha·t
A
concerning
womE~n
are more
willing to disclose information about themselves than are
men.
In fact, men do not view positively other men that
are too open about their feelings.
Komarovsky (1964), in a study of couples observed
t.hat t.he women in the sample had a greater
numbc~r
of
closf:~
relat.ionships with rela"tives and friends than the
men.
"Hard to ·talk about such things,
11
was rated by men
as the second and for women the sixth most frequent
reason given for reserve in the area of self disclosure.
l~J.10ther
oJ:-;servat.ion in th0.; same sh1<.'ly ·v1as ·that v,rhile
women seek relief from frustration by expressing themselves verbally, men cope with frustration through
act. ions.
b
related study on the issue of self dlsclosure
( Komar0\7:.
1967) reveals that husbands are happier than
their wi:
3n marriages that do not require a high level
6·
7
of self disclosure.
Millet (1975) expresses the differ-
ence between males and females by saying that "men
repress while women express."
In an attempt to analyze the difference in norms
affecting self disclosure in men and women, Derlega and
Chaikin (1976)
disclosed information that there is a
double standard in judgment. about the relationships
betvJeen ment.al health and self disclosure.
Expressive
males and non-expressive females were seen as less
adjusted than males v;ho were silent and women who
disclosed.
Intimacy which is measured by the closeness,
openness and familiarity in relationships, was measured
and studied by Lowenthal and Haven (1968).
'I'hey found
·tha·t:. in the aqe group over sixt:y years ~vomen sJcri ve for
mo:n~
in t.imcwy
t:han men.
In addi t.ion, \vomen shovJ a
greater need for a close confidant.
Balswick (1977)
tested the hypothesis that
females ·will be more expressive of love, happiness a11d
sadness
~han
males.
He found his hypothesis to be
correct, suggesting that expressiveness is affected by
one's gene>:; c.
E::.:;•ressi veness was seen as related to gender in
a group r:, · ·iy conducted by StrodH:;eck and I"iarm (1956).
In a sinw.·
adopt
th~
· .•d trial, the group lilenbe:cs were GSked to
· es of the jurors.
Results showed that
8
there
exi~".t.ed
a clear split along the sex lines.
Women
in the group made comments which fell in t.he expressive
category.
Men, however, made conunents which Wf?re low on
emo-t:ionali t:y and rather took in consideration prac·ticality and outcome benefits.
The same patterns were found
in a later study (Piliavin, Martin, 1970).
All these
studies arrived at the same conclusion that there is a
strong sex difference in the area of self disclosure or
expres;:;i veness.
None of the studies has claimed 'chat the male
Jourard (1971) makes the point that men
does not feel.
have 'the same feelings as women"
However, he found men to
be more secretive and reserved in
interpc~rsonal
ShJ_ps"
relat:ion·-
Derlega (1978)_, in a study concerning self
disclosure claims that male-female differences in self
disclosure are a function of sex stereotyping of t.opic
cont:ent..
Men were found ·to disclose less t-:han worncn on
feminin.e ·topicE; which 2n1pha.sLzc,d pe:r::3onal con.cernro
senE:;i-ti vi ties
disclos
"l
•
..,
v:tn:: .Lf.c
men
differ-in
on masculine topics which emphasized
asser·tivc:ness.
<).nd
Chapter III
TRADITIONAL SEX ROLES
What started as a very innocent and practical
division of labor in primitive times became a complex
issue because of two differing strictly upheld set.s of
values---one appropriate for
lT\t~n,
issue, of course, is sex roles.
one for women.
·The
In primitive time.s 1
certain functions required greater mobility and body
strength.
\
Based on the male's greater physical strength
and the female's inability to be mobile because of preg-nancies, females assumed roles around t.he house while
the males worked in the outside world.
With the increase in the level of
intelligencE~
and efficiency, it seemed necessary to ensure that no
changes vmuld occur.
After all,
€\-V--€l-l-"---.'f--~LLL-gent;____per.son
could see how reversible and inconsistent was the original division of labor. It had some very serious loopholes.
A woman who did not bear children and was not
restricted by pregnancy had no clear-cut role in the
society.
Sol
society very wisely took precautions to
preserve -the status quo.
It developed an evaluation
system for each role and definite, explicit expectations.
It was !:.-mmrnarized in a form of a ::;c:t::ipt_, with scc:L:.:Jl
sanctions
rewards and punishments and it demandc:_: that,
0_,
10
throughou:: ·their lives, men and women do their best in
acting their appropriate, designated roles.
A.s soon as ·the anat.omy of the child comes into
light, a role is assigned, male or female.
The role
specifies what names, colors, clothes, t.oys, games and
behavior are expected.
What would be considered appro-
priate and what would be condemned.
'.l'he more the child
matures, the more res·tric-t:i ve and demanding the code of
behavior becomes.
Only certain feelings are allowed
expression; certain professions may be followed while
others may no·t.
This lis·t of
11
shou.lds" and "should nots"
is put on the shoulders of the youngster early in the
process of socializa-tion.
Even before children have the
chance t.o realize the anat.ornical di:Efe:t'ence betwc.en the
sexesr they havr3 already assumed th<-:.: roles cast upon. t:hem
by socie·ty.
If the young· boy has a sis·t:er the sanl.e age
and if he has the ability to observe differences, he
pe·tt.ed, he is thrown in t.he air and is expect:ed t:o show
no ft';;ar.
He' 11 notice that his mother com:munica·tes
verbally with his sL3ter more of·ten than vJith him.
Being surrounded by females
1
his mother, grand·-
mother and teacher, the little boy vlill show the begin·ning of identification with his mother, but will be very
harshly discouraged and scolded for any display of
femininity.
By age three, he will be expected to switch
11
iden·t:i. t:y :Eollowinq some obscure and abs trac·t image of
something he should be.
Why abstract image?
Because
most boys have fathers preoccu.pied wi °Ch ·their own careers,
or the fa·ther does not live in the same house.
does the little boy become masculine?
So, how
Goldberg (1979)
says thai: the little boy becomes masculine by reaction
formation, by denying the femininity in him, by exaggerating-..
•rhe more his inner self will seem to the child
or the adult as leaning toward femininity,
the harder he
\vill try t:o expose the opposi t_e.
Hart.ly ( 19 72)
ization
<-:lS
vim-.ts ·the process of gend.er social·-
being delivered by four
communication.
di.ffE~rent
agents of
Through manipulation, canalization,
·verbal appellat:ion (a name or a ·tl.t Le to
idE·ntify a person)
and activi·ty exp1sure.
de~JcrJ.be
and
I ·t is done so
well that by the age of four children have a sex identity
and do perceive differences in g·cnder roles.
(1950)
Rabban
found th.at, by age fom:·, cbildren iden·tified their
ov:tr: sex correctly and many reached the hundred percent
correctness in seJecting toys considered appropriate to
each sex.
An idea of how extensive and influential is the
learning of gender role can be realized from a study
clone wi-t:h hermaphrodites
(Money, Hampson, 1965).
Two
pai.:ientE; ;;.,rho had fema.le .i. nter.rH1 organs, but. ma.sculinizPd
exh::.rna:L n:cgans.
Both oui:::vlard:Ly ap-peared males r even
12
though in t.he sense of chromosomed sex, they were
sidered females.
con~
One was reared as a girl and as such
believed himself to be female.
The other had a gender
identity of a male and was convinced he was a male.
Clinical experience shows that changes in sex rearing
can be successful if done before the age of two years.
After four years of age, any change will cause maladjustmen-t.
Since people are concerned with t.he male sex
role 1 i·t is important to note that any deviaLLon on the
part of the boy from his sex role is viewed as much more
grave than the deviation of the girl from her sex role.
A study (Los --~ngele~Times, 19 74, p. 4)
indicates ·tha·t
i t is still a matter of "pity the poor sissy 11 for the boy
who shows interest in a female type activi>cy.
Where tom-
boys are viewed with a smile, a sisr.-:;y is marked for
rejec·t:ion.
'rhe relatively modera·te aJct.i t,ude l:ovJard girls
who act as boys and the negat.ive
at'ci.t.ud.::~
toward boys who
exhibit feminine quali tie~c~ can be explained in
t~nrts
of
the evaluative scale ·that society applies t:o the sexeE>.
Males' qualities are considered to be more socially
acceptable.
It seems that for a male to show feminine
qualities means attraction to an inferior or less desirable s-t.a.t•' (Braverman, 196Bi Braverman, 19/0).
(1974)
t.c\:
society :!:..
.~s
Chafetz
this idea even further and clauns that
a.
more critical of hcrnosexuals and sissies
13
than Lesbians and tomboys because the male sex role is
considered to be more prest.igious and superior.
Any
deviation from the male role is considered a betrayal of
the masculine rights, while an attempt by the girl to
assume masculinized traits would be understandable.
Also as Goldberg (1979)
claims, the female knows she is
all female, her behavior is never under question.
She
can do something traditional, as cooking, or nontraditional, as hikirig.
Her behavior is fluid, she can
move back and forth and s·till be accepted by society.
A boy, on the other hand, carries with him, unconsciously,
all the insecurities associat:ed with the fears of homo··sexuality.
The unanswered question of how well he
learned his role and how successful was the shift of
iden'cification from primary caretaker-female to some
imaginative idea of a true male.
Wha·t does this ·true male look like?
( 19 70)
Broverman
confirmed that masculine ch.aracteris·ticn are
believed by both sexes to be more desirable than feminine
charact.er:i
~3·ti.cs.
profiles
:::>he found ·the following traits to be charac·ter-
1
In a st.udy of masculine and feminine
isti.c of the sexes:
U:c .,
Braverman and her co-workers
than 6 0 C r ··n and 380 women,
in age f.·.
marric~d
surveyt-~d
more
and single, rang·ing
:5eventeen to sixty, and includinq members of
\igions.
The data were tabulated separately
14
for groups based on each of these characteristics with
statistically identical results.
Regardless of age, sex,
religion, education, and marital status, Americans agree
that, in comparison to each other, men and women typically displayed the following differences in behavior:
Men
Very aggressive
Very independent
Not at all emotional
Almost always hide emotions
Very objective
Not at all easily
influenced
Very dominan·t
Like math and science
very much
Not at all excitable in a
minor crisis
Very active
Very cornpet.itive
Very logical
Very worldly
Very skilled in business
Very direct
Know the way of the world
Feelings not easily hurt
Very adventurous
Can make decisions easily
Never cry·
Almost <J.Iways act as a
leader
Very seJf confident.
No·t at u.l1 uncomfort.able
about being aggressive
Very ambi ous
Easily abJ0 to separate
feelin~;c
. rom ideas
Not at al: .[~:pendent
Never cor:, •
~:ed abou·t
appear<•.
.. always
Think mer·
superi(. ·
women
Women
Not at all aggressive
Not at: all independen-t
Very emotional
Do not hide emotions at all
Very subjectivE:
Very easily influenced
Very submissive
Dislike math and science
very· much
Very excitable in a minor
crisis
Very passive
Not at all competitive
Very illogical
Very horne oriented
Not at all skilled in
business
Very sneaky
·Do not know t.he way of the
world
Feelings easily hurt
Not at all adventurous
Have difficulty making
decisions
Cry very easily
Almost never act as a
leader
Not at all self confident
Very uncomfortable about
being aggressive
Not at all ambi t.ious
Unable to separate feelings
from ideas
Very dependent
Very concei. ted about appearance
'rhink vmmen a.re always
. superior t:o men
15
Hen
Women
Talk freely about sex to
men
Not at all talkative
Very blunt:
Very rough
Not at all aware of
feelings of others
Not at all religious
Not at all interested in
their own appearance
Very sloppy in habits
Very loud
Very little need for
security ·
Do not enjoy art and
literature at all
Do not express tender
feeling·s easily
Use very harsh language
Don't talk freely about sex
to men
Very talkative
Very tactful
Very gentle
Very much aware of
feelings of others
Very religious
Very much interested in
their own appearance
Very neat in habi ·ts
Very quie·t
Very strong need for
sec1..1.ri·ty
Enjoy art and literature
very much
Easily express tender
feelings
Don't use harsh language
at all
AnoU1er view of sex role stereotypical t.rai t.s
taken from Chafetz (1974, p. 35) indicates similarity
to Braverman's (19 70) :findings, thus emphasizing the
different sex role scripts for both sexes.
_?ex
l~ole
?tereo!=ype T_rai t:s
(from Chafetz, 1974)
Characteris·tics
Masculine
Tr~i.ts
Feminine Traits
I. Physical
Virile, athletic,
strong*
Sloppy, worry less
abou·t appearance
and aging
Brave
Weak, helpless 1
dainty, nonathletic*
Worry about
appearance and
aging*
Sensual
GraceftJ.l
II. Functional
Breadwinner,
provider*
Domestic*
Maternal, involved
with children~"
Church···going
16
_ _ _Sex Role S!:ereotype_ 'I'rai ts (continued)
Characteristics
Masculine Traits
Feminine 'l,rai ts
III. Sexual
Sexually agressive,
experienced*
Single status acceptable; male
"caught" by
spouse
Virginal, inexperienced;
double standard*
Must be married,
female "catches"
spouse
Sexually passive,
uninterested
Responsible for
birt.h control
Seductive,
flii·ta tious
IV. Emotional
Unemotional, stoic,
don't cry*
Emotional, sentimental,
roman·tic*
Can cry
Expressive
Compassionat:.e
Nervous, insecure,
fearful
V. Intellect.ual
Logical, intellectual, rai.:ional,
objective,
scientific*
Practical
Mechanical
Public awareness,
activi-ty, con-tributor i:o
society
Dogmatic
Sea t·tc;rbrained,
frivolous r shal·lm·l, inconsis~
tent., in tu.i ti ve *
Impract.ical
Perceptive, sensitive
"Arty"
Idealist:ic, humanistic*
VI. In terpersonal
Leader, domi-
Petty, flirty, coy,
gossipy, catty,
sneaky, fickle*
Dependent, overprotected1
responsive*
Status conscious
and competitive,
refined, adept
in social graces*
F'o11ower, subservi·en t., submi ssi.ve
nating~'
Disciplinarian*
Independent, free,
individualistic*
Demanding
17
Sex Role Stereotype Traits (continued)
Characteristics
VII. Other
Personal
;~.·Attribute
Masculine Traits
Feminine Traits
Aggressive*
Success oriented,
ambitious*
Proud, egotisti~
cal, confident
Moral, trustworthy
Decisive
Competitive
Uninhibited,
adventurous
Self-conscious,
· easily intimidated, modest,
shy, sweet*
Patient.*
Vain*
Affectionate,
gentle , tender,
soft
Not aggressive,
quie·t 1 passive
Tardy
Innocent
Noncompetitive
listed by five or more of the groups.
Not too many women hold positions in prestigious
The reason
occupational roles.
seE~ms
to origina'ce from
the stereotypical traits associated with the sexes.
following table, taken from Chafetz (1974, p. 61)
The
seems
to pu·t men on a pedestal 1 to ma.ke a "super man" out of
them; beings wi·th no access to any human mistakes or
weaknesse~.>.
It also shows how very strenuous and demand-
ing is the male role.
Sex Role T:caits Helpful and Harmful in Acquiring and Performil2_SL~!'::.!J in Prestigious_ O_s::_c~pa·tional RC?le~_:_ _________ _
Stereot:.yped
Trait.s
Harmful
Helpful
----------------------~-------------------
Masculine
Sloppy
DC?gmatic
Breadwinner, provider
Stoic,· unemotional
Logical, rational,
objecl-::i. ve,
::;d.entific
18
Sex Role 'l':r<>i ts Helpful and Harmful in Acquiring and Performing t~el_~- in Prestigious Occ_upational Roles* (continued)
Stereotyped
Trai t.s
Harmful
Helpful
-----------------------------------------·------------------------------Practical
Mechanical (for scien-tist and physician)
Public awareness
Leader
Disciplinarian
Independent
Demanding
Aggressive
Ambitious
Proud, confident
Moral, trustworthy
Decisive
Compe ti b. ve
Adventurous
Feminine
"'~I'rai ts
about appear-ance and age
Sensual
Domestic
Seductive,
flirt.a tious
Emotional,
sentimental
Nervous, insecure,
fearful
Scatterbrained,
frivolous
Impractical
Petty, coy,
gossipy
Dependent, overprot.ected
Follower,
subrnissi ve
Self--conscious,
easily intimidated
Not aggressive,
passive
Tardy
Noncompetitive
\t~orry
no:
are omitL
Compassionate
Intuitive
Humanistic
Perceptive
Idealistic
Patient
Gentle
: assifiable as either "he1pful 11 or
11
hannful"
19
Specific societal expectations from the sexes are
illustrated in another study (Chafetz, 1974) where three
toy catalogs were analyzed to see whet.her or not they were
involved in sex stereotyping-.
The findings were as
follows (Chafetz, 1974, p. 81):
% Male
Children
Pictured
% Female
Children
Pictured
Physically active
18
14
Physically passive
17
23
~l[echani
23
17
Competitive
6
5
Vocational
8
6
27
34
132
64
Characteristic
zed or manipulative
Emot:ionally expressive
Number of children pictured
-------·---·--Farrell (1974, p. 218)
talks about the masculine
value system which is supposed to be superior ·to the
feminine value system.
He says that the difference in
the value system can be
summarizc~d
as follows:
Female
I'-1ale
Good talker
Good listener
Logical
Emotional
Self
confidc~nce
Humili ·ty and desire
Quick dec:i.i- :. on making
Thoughtful pondering
Active stl:< ·ing for power
General desire to achieve
20
Ivtale
Female
Politics or business as
an end
Human concern as an end
Touch, aggressive approach
Soft, persuasive approach
Responsiveness to external
rewards (money, trophies,
votes)
Seeking internal rewards
Sexuality
Sensuality
The list goes on and on.
Farrell indicates that
the goal of the male socialization is to make him better
than other men and certainly all women.
hand down the Ten Commandments of
If Moses was to
ma~~culinity,
they would
read as follows:
l.
Thou shalt not cry or in other ways
display fear, weakness, sympathy,
empathy or involvement befoTe thy
neighbor.
2.
Thou shalt not be vulnerable but shalt
honor and res.pect the "logical,"
"practical" or "intellectual" --as ·thou
defines·!:: them.
3.
Thou shalt not listen for the sake of
listening--it is a waste of time.
4.
'I'hou shal·t not commit in ·trospection.
5.
·rhou shalt be condescending to \·lOrnen
in every way.
21
6.
Thou shalt control thy wife's body.
7.
Thou shalt have no other breadwinners
before thee.
8.
Thou shalt not be responsible for housework or child care.
9.
Thou shalt honor and obey the straight
and narrow path to success: job special.ization.
Thou shalt have an answer to all problems
10.
at all times.
(p.
224)
Komarovsky (1976) says that the traditional sex
role calls for the male to be superior to female in
aggressiveness, self assura.nce, decisiveness, independence and s·tability in the face of stress.
1\re
the social values of masculini·ty obtainable,
or desirable?
Pleck (1976) claims that they are so
idealized tha·t only a small number of people really come
close to it; the majority are failures.
Lester (1973),in an essay about the pressure he
felt as a boy, states:
I t.ried to believe my parents when they told
me I \·las a boy .
. I thought of thE~ girls sitting in the shades of porches, playing with their
dolls, toy refrigerators and stoves.
There was
the life, I thought, no constant pressure to
prove ()c.eself, no necessi-ty alwctys ·to be com~
peting,
Flhile I humiliat.ed myse.lf on foot.ball
and bas bali fields, the girls stood on the
22
sidelines laughing at me, because they didn't
have to do anything, except be girls.
(Lester,
1973)
Brannon (1976, p. 49)
talks about the pressure of
being a male and conforming to the sex role stereotyping.
One of the basic "should nots" is no "sissy stuff.
11
Being caught doing something sissy, like showing warmth,
tendernessf emotionality and vulnerability is inexcusable.
Men should n9t display any emotions in public except for
anger or aggressiveness.
Brannon claims that the winner
who sheds tears in public is still accepted and perceived
as a real man.
The loser, however, is not entitled to
this privilege.
Remembering a previous statement by
Pleck (1976) that only a small number of people really
come close to the "ideal of masculinity" and the majority
are failures, one could clearly see hov.r the majority of
males are being forced ·to play an inexpressive role.
Playing an inexpressive role usually becomes a
way of being.
Unemotionali ty and ra tionali •cy become a
must, a survival kit in t.he male's world.
Tears and
emotionality are vievmd as signs of instability and weakness, often projecting a sense of the male's incapacity.
How does Brannon view the masculine values?
He claims,
"The masculine mystique is the masculine mistake"
( pp . 5 2- 5 3 ) .
tives.
In U.S. society there are only two alterna-
Thc:y are to be categorized as "emot:.ion2lly
incompeh~n-:-.'
(unable to handle emotions) or "erno·t:ionally
23
constipated"
(unable to express emotions).
Goldberg ( 19 76)
says that word<T like "chicken
shit," "scaredy cat," "coward," "gutless," "no balls" and
"sissy" ring in the male's ear and often drive him into
senseless self destructive behavior.
the exposure of feelings, are the
{Goldberg, 1976) .
11
Feelings or rather
real male terror.
11
The male hero image that American
culture adopted, constitutes an image of a man who is
cool, emotionally mute, lacks transparency and does not
show emot.ional vulnerability.
Balswick {1971) talks a.boui.:
the ideal images or heroes in American societ.y.
They are
the cowboy image of J·ohn \!Jayne and the playboy image of
James Bond.
In a study of eight and eleven-year old boys
concerning sex role pressure on the male child, Hartley
{1974)
found that these boys believed that adults
expecJced t.hem to be noisy, ge·t dirty; mess up t.he house,
be naughJcy, be outside more than girls, not to be crybabies, not to be softies, not to be behind like girls
are and to get in·to trouble more than girls do.
Therapists were asked to respond to an adjectives
check list describing sex roles characteristic of females
and males (Franks, 1976, p. 91).
There was statistically
significant agreement between male and female therapists
describing males_ as:
aggressive! asseri:i ve
f
bo1d, bread-
winners, chivalrous, crude, independent and virile.
24
Specific characteristics added by male therapists were:
achiever, animalistic, attacker, competent., intellectual,
onmipotent, powerful and rational.
added the following:
Female therapists
exploiter, ruthless, strong,
unemotional and victor.
In assigning roles to females, there was an agreement between male and female therapists on the following:
chatterer, decorat.ive, dependent, dizzy, domestic, fearful, fragile, generous, irrat.ional, nurturing, overwhelmed, passive, subordinate, and temperamental.
thereapists added the following:
plexing.
Hale
manipulative and per-
Female therapists added: devoted, empathetic,
In a
gentle, kind, sentimental, slave and yielding.
second st.age of this study, the adjectives were grouped
and put into two criteria, positive and negative.
Results
show that male therapists rated 70 percent of female words
as
nc~gative,
while 71 percent of male words as posit:ive.
Female therapists rated 68 percent of female words as
negative, while 67 percent of male words as positi_ve.
The implications are clear and suggest that there is a
definite sex role bias and expectation on the part of
cliniciai1s.
This confirms Braverman's (1976)
findings
tha·t a greater number of the charact.eristics stereotypically associated with masculinity are more socially
desirable than those associated with femininity.
Biased expectations are not the only way by which
25
clinicians con tribu:t:e to inexpressiveness in males.
Goldberg, in a recent workshop titled "Beyond Sex Roles"
(1979), claimed that the medical profession and sex
therapists are reinforcing the male's inability to tune
to his body messages.
Goldberg says that "the market is
flooded with manuals concerning sex," "how to do it,
where and when to touch."
manuals."
11
He calls them "plumbing
All these manuals have one.thing in common;
they all assume that there is some kind of a missing
ingredient.
Goldberg claims ·that there is no such thing
as a sexual response apart from t.he person and every
sexual response is a body message or a body statement.
Men, says Goldberg, are especially reluctant to assume
responsibility for their sexual responses since they are
under constant pressure to perform.
They have the "not
me" prtenomenon, which means that if their performance
• c.•
LQ
•
unlik.e what they expected it to be, they will disown
responsibility for it.
They. treat their sexual organ as
a piece of plumbing, ei t.her it works or it does not.
If
it does not work, the idea is to get it fixed as soon as
possible.
The hardest thing for them to realize is that
their sexual response is actually an expression of how
they feel toward the person and toward the relationship.
Men in general feel victimized by t.heir sexual
organ if it does not "perform well.
11
When these men s,<;ek
help, they don't find it very helpful because clinicians
26
have developed a language of sexual symptoms which is very
devastating to males.
Phrases like "premature ejacula-·
tion" and "retarded ejaculation" do a lot of harm; they
are nice medical names for body responses, preventing
men from listening and dealing with what their body says.
These medical words are negative because they imply performance measures that a "normal adult male" should be
able to perform in a certain way, not reflecting any
relation nor feelings toward the person he is with.
Goldberg claims that these terms actually can be considered as masculine intimidation, and sexist.
They prevent
him from getting in touch with his inner feelings.
offers his own translation.
He
"Impotence 11 which means
body resist.ance or "my body says no" or "I do not. want
to make love to you."
to get out fast."
Early ejaculation means "I want
It is important. to mention that:
Goldberg's translation excludes males who were severely
traumatized in childhood and freeze in every sexual
encounter.
The doctor or sex therapist reinforces what the
male wants to believe, that "he is here and his sexual
responses are somewhere there."
The male in American
society is brought up on a certain image of a sexual
performance like the statistic which specifies how many
times a week he should have sex if he is a rwrmal male.
·When he falls behind, he starts to feel anxiet::>:.
All the
27
ingredients that contribute to good sexual relationship
are repressed in him earlier.
Host of the time he does
not know where his feelings are, and definitely not
where his partner's feelings are.
The implications here are quite clear.
The
early socialization of the male imposes strain and anxiety
in a form of preset standards concerning feelings and
levels of performance.
The male who comes in con tac·t
with the professionals does not receive help and curef
but rather a reinforcement of society's standards.
Chapter IV
'rHE RELATIONSHIPS BE'TWEEN MALE'S INEXPRESSIVENESS
AND RELUCTANCE '1 0 SEEK COUl'iiSELING
1
Data concerning differen-t utilization of mental
health facilities by men and women clearly shows that
more women t.han men are hospitalized for psychiatric
treatment, or receive outpatient trea-tment (Braverman,
1970; Cannon, Redick, 1973; Chesler, 1971).
Should
people assume that women have more problems, are sicker?
Should t.hey use ·these numbers to just.ify the low partici-pation of men and assume
t~hat
or, that they are healthier?
11
Definitely, no."
~::erious
they have less problems,
Lewis (1976)
says,
Males have problems; in fac-t, very
ones, such that involve a radical change of
personality.
'l'he reason for the difference in the
utilization of mental health facilities seems to origirlah>. from the fact: t.ha t.------where i t is acceptable for a
wornan ·to express feelings,
for a man to adrni t
the -exist-
ence of feelings seems to be a real terror, and seeking
help means expressing \•leakness.
Chesler (1972) made an observation concerning
males' and females'
symptoms.
follows:
28
The results were as
29
Symptoms
Nervous
Breakdown
3.2
6.4
Males
Females
Symptoms
Impending
Nervous
Break-
Nervousness
Inertia
45.1
70.6
16.8
32.5
7.7
17.5
Trembling
Hands
7.9
10.9
Males
Females
dmvn
Nig_?tmares
7.6
12.4
Perspiring
Hands
Insonmia
-
2 3. 5
40.4
__F aj. n t.ii_?:SI
17.0
21.4
16.9
29.1
?Xl'(lpt:orns ____!iea~ache_s_ _ Dizziness._ _ _H_~.art: Palpitation
13.7
27.8
M<dt?S
Fem;:,les
7.1
10.9
3.7
5.8
There are b1o ways of looking at this data.
Either females are more prone to these symptoms 1 or males
are less tuned to their physical and emot.ional discom·forts and are reluctant to admit them.
Collier (1975) claims that problems are different
and every man has a unique problem, but: the refusal to
get help is
. absolutely ·typical of mos>c t.roubled
men.
They are plain scared of taking "cheir
tro·u.bles to a marriage counselor, psychologist,
minis t:er, or family doct.or.
A man will consult
. wit.h a mechanic about his car, or get advice
from a neighbor about: his lawn, butr vJhen it
comes to the things at the absolute center of
his existence, like his meni::.al and emotional
healt:h, four times out of five he will refuse
to consult experts for help.
(p. 138)
30
I
Collier interviewed some authorities in the
field and their evaluations were that:
Although males in 'chis university [S.U.N.Y.]
consist of fifty-five percent of all studeni.:s,
more than sixty percent who come for consultation
are women.
or,
Over two-thirds of applican-ts for treatment.
are women.
(V.A. Hospital)
or,
Four out of five times, i t is the wife who
comes to see the counselor firs·t.
(Jewish
Family Service)
They explain that the American male feels that he on,:;r,":
to be able to l1andle all
s~i. tua tions
a11d to adrni t
thc1 ·t ::JTJ::::
has a problem is the same as admi ·tting failure.
Johnson (1968) makes the observation that
abo~t
nine women for every man come to get help.
According to
him, "Men just can.'t a.dmit they need help.
Men are
reluctant to admit to failure.
They of·ten pret.end thc'c
all is well in the palace, when in fact the walls are
crumbling about them."
Fasteau (1.974)
claims i.:ha·t a very negatb.re st:gma
is associated with men who t.alk to others about their
personal problems.
They are considered to be those tt.a. t
·the problems got the best of ..
Komarovsky (1976)
says ·that "'I'he need ·to maintain
a manly facader the fear of acknowledging feminine
traits--all generate in the male a constant vigilance
'
31
against spontaneous expression of feelings"
(p. 152).
She brings up an account of a young man who exemplifies
the male's approach to being in therapy.
A young male
patient revealed that after his girl friend told him she
was in therapy, he could not tell her he was too, since
telling her would sho\>1 her hmv unsure and confused he
was.
He felt that a girl wants a strong man, and telling
her would
m~an
lowering his image in her eyes.
Goldberg (1976, 1979) claims that men are reluct·ant ·to seek help and, if they do, they will stay in
therapy a very short time.
view t.he si tuat:ion is tha·t
He claims that the way males
11
Self--destruction is mascu-
line-·-gei:t.ing better is feminine.
11
He says that men
will be reluctant to seek help because:
1.
Asking for heJp and acknowledging that one
cannot do i t by himself is basica.lly unrnar;culine.
2.
Asking for help means exposing one's '\'leak
side, and i t might: be dangerous since t.he male, who
is in constant. compet.i t.ion believes that others
might use it against him or take advantage of him.
3.
Asking for help means showing dependence.
The male believes that dependency is unmasculine.
4.
Getting involved in therapy means dealing
on the level of emotions rather than rationality;
othfcrwise r ·the therapeu·tic process cannot proceed.
32
5.
Spending rnoney on something which is intangi-
ble, Which he cannot. see or touch, which does not
give him advice; with no definite length of time,
where he usually is required to make all the deci-··
sions~~does
hot seem to him worth the money.
Only
\-lomen· can spend money so foolishly.
6.
Most therapists until novl were males.
The
therapevtic process requires getting close to the
therapist.
This brings up a fear of latent homo-
sexuality.
7.
Males were brought up ·to be competitive.
In
a therapeutic process, the male cannot compete with
his therapist, or he will defeat the purpose for
which he originally went into therapy.
GG:>ldbe.tg claims that, from his experience as a
t.herapist, he can ·teLL the
office;
rno~ent
a man walks into his
how long he will stay in therapy.
The more
maG:ho he is, the more rational he i.f3, the more he neech;
to be in coht:ro1 1 the more he will aE;k for quick, easy
a:hs\o:ers,
the faster he \vill get ou-t.
usually he will
§tay long enough to help reduce his anxiety levelr but
hot ehotigh titne ·to help resolve the problem.
Derek {1972), ih
s:YiTrpt.oms and
s~x
a study concerning psychiatric
differences, found that women more
freqLmn tly reported physical and psychological symptoms,
thus reflecting men's reluctance to admit to unpleasant
33
feelings axtd sensations, since they are aware of cultural
expectations regarding expressive control.
Keeping up a manly facade prevents men from
expressing themselves, thus forcing them to keep their
problems to themselves.
\~hat
a terrible misconcept:ion
to carry throughout life, ·that they can handle everything
by themselves successfully and that weaknesses are
unmanly.
Chapter V
THE EFFECTS OF BALE'S INEXPRESSIVENESS
ON HIS RELATIONSHIPS
Relation::;hips With Same Sex
Fasteau (MS, 1972) expresses the difference in
the degree of personal communication between men and
women.
He says:
There is nothing among men that resembles the
personal communication that women have developed
among themselves.
We do not know very much about
ourselves, and we know even less about each other .
Getting
. we· always needed an excuse to talk.
toge·ther for its own sake would have been fright-·
ening.
. The most painful thing in retrospec-t
is that we thought we were the best: of friends.
Why are most: men reluctant to establish deep
relationships with other males?
I·t may be because they
are taught t.ha·t i t is unmanly to show emotions; besides,
their role
encouragE~s
tors (Chafetz, 1974).
them to view each other as compet.i-·
Also, there exists the fear of
discovering a latent homosexu.ality.
'I'his
fc~ar
is very
strong among men and much more prevalent. than among
women.
The male sex role prohibits the exposure of
cert:ain feelings t::oward members of the same sex.
As
such, rela-tionships hardly ever reach higher level than
a basic superficial one. Physical contact among men
U3
a taboo, t.he mos·t which is accept-:.ed is a pat on the
shoulder, or a-hand shake.
Males will gather for soTie
activity 2u1d when they are talking it will be on a ligh'c
34
35
subject, impersonal, approached in an intellectualized
manner.
Very rarely will they engage in intimate talk,
like revealing their needs or insecurities.
Chafetz (1974) claims that:
Sexual prowess is acceptable conversation,
emotional commitment is no·t1 the former grants
prestige, the latter, if anything, takes i t
away.
. Thus many are left with unmet
emotional needs which, as we have seen, are
not easily satisfied in their long term relationships with females, either.
(p. 183)
Clark (1972) talks about male groups.
He claims
tha·t expressions of positive affect, like affection
beh·.reen males is inhibi tE.~d in our sociei.:y.
On t.he o·ther
It is acceptable
hand, negative affect is acceptable.
for men to argue, to fight, to curse, or to injure one
another in public, but i t is not acceptable for them to
kiss, embrace or hold hands in public.
In Clark's all-male groups, one theme kept
repeat:ing itself 1 the fear of homosexuality.
The mnn in
·the group confessed ·that t:h.is fear preven·t:ed ·them from
geti::.ing to know ot.her men like they would have liked to,
like the man vJho says,
11
Now I'm lonely for other men and
don't know how t.o find what I vJant with ·them"
(p. 92).
Anot.her barrier in male's relationships with
other males is the st:ate of competition among men.
It
seems that the male sex role is a system of rules which
defeats its own purpose.
Abiding by
the~
rules supposed
t_D make men part of the Male Group, an equal, yet the
36
inner content of this sex role package really throws
:men apart., because i t stresses and encourages the competitive character, whether the man is a member of a
sport group, intellectual one, student, political
candidate, employee or a member of a social group.
Early in the game, he learns that in order for one to be
a winner, one or more have to lose.
This is the game of
survival; the better he plays it, the less he is con· cerned with values like friendship and equali t.y.
P leek
(1974) says that this game of survival is very aggressive:
To be a man with other men means to always
fear being attacked, victimized, exploited and
in an ultimate sense murdered by other men.
My
fear of this violence has been the most paralyzing inhibitor of my relationships with other
men.
(p. 262)
Pleck introduces the term
tion."
J>~ccording
11
patriarchal
comp;::.~ti~
to him, this is the means by which men
in U.S. socie>cy encounter other men.
'J'he "patriarchal
cornpet.i tion 11 bJ:.·eeds hatred t.o1.-vard the self and violence
tovmrd others.
Vinacke ( 1959) investiga·ted sex differences in
interaction strategies.
The basic situation in his
experiment is t.hree people playing Pachisi.
that v.rhen the
three~
He found
players were all males they played
compe·titively, with a strong motive to win.
Groups made
of vJOmen only played differently.
Thc'.'!y tried to achieve
the best Ol.J.tcome for all players.
An interesting finding
37
"
r~lated
to this study was that, even though women used
O.ifferent strategies, they did as well as the men.
Another study nvicker and Bushweiler I
19 70)
attempted to find different patterns operating in
dividing rewards.
Women were found to be operating by
different norms than men.
Men in general use st.rategies
which i:lre concerned with winning the prize and gaining
the money.
Women, on the other hand, were found to be
more concerned with the interpersonal aspect of these
situations and the social rewards, rather than the
monetary gain.
'l,he implications of these studies are quite clear
and support the idea that the value syst.em of the male
in the United States lacks the most impor··tant ingredient
which could enhance deep meaningful relationships with
othe:c men.
Brannon ( 19 76)
says that: in the list of sex
role expectations, the man confronts the need to prove
hifuself as successful, gain· status, and be such that
others can look up ·to him.
There is only one way to
ensure t:he achievement of success and sta·tus, and t:he
secret of success lies in how aggressive one is in competing with others.
One cannot be emotionally warm and
supportive and at the same time be a winner.
One has ·to
trade, to exchange one for the other.
Goldberg (1979)
have friends.
says that
n~ost
adult men do not
They may have somebody t.o play golf with,
'
.38
9~
a business associate; or somebody to play poker with.
According to him, it is not uncommon for men not to have
~v~n
tb.~
one friend, and to invest all their resources in
macho relationships with women.
He feels that the
taot that the male does not have friends is considered
q loss and stands ih his way of growth.
Only by reinte-
grating these lost ahd repressed parts of his personality can he experience grow-t:h.
Also, men, because
they do not develop strong friendships, are deprived of
q support system.
b1an in crisis does not have anybody,
or .;myt.hing, to hotd onto.
Being deprived of acknowledg-
ing weakness and lacking a support system causes men
high mort.ali-ty.
~n
In the same workshop (Goldberg, 1979)
exercise was given ih order to establish whether· or
not men do have close relationships with other men.
'J.'here were twenJcy-eigh·t males in the group and about the
s~me number of females.
All participants were required
to disclose how many friends they had.
A friend was
defined as anyone who caits at least once in a whilt~ to
~sk
"How are you?", 6il.e who cares, one with whom rela-
tionships are on an ihtifuate basis.
as expected.
men.
The responses were
1ilomen had repor-ted more friends than the
Some men said that they were lonely for a male
friend but did not kno0 how to establish such a relationship.
Some confessed that they did not feel t:he need
because t.hey did not trust other men.
Some said t.hat
39
women were their best friends and they liked it this
way.
Goldberg feels that just the macho relat.ionships
with women is not nourishing enough, and man needs at
least one good friend.
Rela·tior!._~hips
With Opposite Sex
Fasteau (1972) claims that when a man feels the
need to talk to a woman he is actually looking for
comfort and'reassurance.
. of course comfort and reassurance are
legitimate demands of every human being, but i t is
significan-t tha·t there is rareJ.y any real discus-sion of t..:he feelings involved.
That kind of analysin
requires more insight and \tlillingness to probe than
most men feel they can afford.
.It also can place
the woman, at least temporarily, in the dreaded
position of being the stronger one instead of the
passive supporter.
(p. 16)
J·ourard ( 19 71)
sees the lack of self disclosure
among men as threatening ·to themselves and causing in competence at loving.
knm·m 'tc.1 others..
By disclosing, one makes oneself
Blocking disclosure, the man is unknown
to his wife and i t is very likely that unknown needs v1ill
go on being unmet and love will be impotent.
s·taying
cool is one of tl1e conunandments of masculinity.
'rhe
effect of emo·tional construci:.:ion is that _it prevents the
experience of a full pleasure and energy 1nen derive from
sex (Lond·.m, 19 7 4) .
Sex is
consid~~red
as one means of
comnrunicz: :·_:on. · Empty of emotional con t:enJc, i t cannot be
as fulfil. .·ng as i t should<
Ivlen in. Am.er:Lcc-,, says London
40
(1973), are trained to be emotionally sterile, required to
adapt a "Machismo" image.
It so happens that Machismo and
aggressiveness are in direct contradiction to sensi ti vi ·ty
and intimacy (p. 42) .
Bartolome (1972) conducted a study of forty young
execut.i ves and their wives in regard to the question,
"How
does the executive relate to himself and to others?".
He
found the executive husband t.o be a limited person who is
caugh·t up in his
stereo~cypical
role.
His role, says
Bartolome, would not allow him the freedom of feelings,
tenderness, and dependency.
In short, he cannot exper-
ience the total spectrum of feelings which make v1hat a
human being is.
The executives were found to be obsessed
with the fear of rejections, and fear of losing respect.
'I'hey Tationalized their inexpressiveness by saying ·that it
promo·tes and helps in keeping t:heir authority in a stab.1s
quo.
One executive revealed that,
. You are always trying to have some
authori t.y at home and there is often competition with the wife about who wears the
pants, and you can't afford to show depend~
ence or tenderness when t.hese other things
are going on.
Other executives excused their inexpressiveness by
claiming that feelings like dependency, a need to be cared
for, tenderness or enjoyment of passive things, as unmasculine.
They believe that "these feelings" are leading·
to failure, and only those who have not made it spend
41
time talking to their wives about their problems.
The risk involved in revealing certain feelings
expres;:;ed by one executive:
It is much riskier to express tenderness and
dependence when you are married because you can't
interrupt the relationship.
Therefore, if your
needs are not satisfied, or your tenderness is
rejected, if the other person does not accept
what you have to give, or does not fulfill your
needs, or does not understand you and rejects you
--there is very little-you can do about it. You
are rejected and yet you cannot abandon the boat
you share' with the o-ther person.
(Bartolome, 19 72)
As pointed out earlier by Goldberg, Brannon and
Jourard, the male has to appear independent, a tower of
strength, competent, a superman.
Manville (1969) c1aims
that out of the process of socializa-tion two basic types
of inexpressive males emerge.
represented by cTohn Wayne.
One is the cowboy type as
This type likes women, has
some feelings toward themr but is very reserved and inex·pressive.
The other type is. t:he playboy t.ype as repre-
sented by James Bond.
The playboy interacts with women
but keeps himself emot.ionally detacr.ted from them.
dead inside, has no feelings.
man comes in two types.
He is
So the inexpressive single
The inexpressive feeling man (The
Cowboy) and ·the inexpressive non--feeling one ('rhe Playboy).
As such, when t11e inexpressive male enters marriage he has
very li t·tle to offer to the relationship.
His inexpres-
siveness becomes dysfunctional on two levels.
He is pie-
venting himself from experiencing deep meaningful rela.tion·-
42
ships with \·mmen and he also hurts his wife and children
who could feel so much better hearing him say, "I love
you" (Balswick, 1974). Forisha (1978)
claims that because
society does not approve of expressiveness and self disclosure among men, men transfer these feelings to a strong
motivation to succeed at work.
As such, "Many suffer from
the disadvantages and effects of the pressure to work
harder"
(p. ],79).
She talks about a man named Leonard who
claims that because of his sex role he cannot be the man
he would like to be, and t.ha t when he wants to be expressive, ·to show emotions, he finds himself at a loss for
words as if he freezes up.
Chafetz (1974), questionirig sex role stereotypes
and types of relationships, dist.ingu:Lshes between primary
and secondary relationships.
ships fall under the primary
Intimate loving relationr~lationships.
Considering
male--female relationships, Chafetz poE;tulaJces the "Exchange
Theo:cy" which s·ta·tes that in any. relationship participants
receive "rewards" and pay "costs."
In order for a member
to stay on, in a relationship, the rewards must be higher
than the costs, or at least equal to the:: costs.
words, they must profit from the relationship.
In other
Females in
U.S. society are taught that the greatest reward is to
receive love, warmth, and caring.
Males, on the other
hand, are taught: that displaying feelings
lS
a cost and
the real reward in life is success,dominance and prestige.
43
Trying to live up to society's expectations and sex role
scripts means ·that the male and female who are involved
in a relationship are incompatible by their nature.
gain causes others to lose.
One's
Chafetz claims that male and
female roles being what they are, different and unequal,
prevent the relationship from ever reaching the state of
a true love (p. 166).
The power of sex role stereotypes is so much
rooted in that for any member to attempt to deviate
means a threat.
So, the result is either a resolution
of the relationship or meaningless relationship.
Instead of experiencing a true love, they'll become
experts in play acting, manipulating one another and
suppressing their real selves.
'I'hey become strangers to
one another instead of close intimates.
Brenton (1967)
claims that the more the man is obsessed with his sex
role and manhood, the less he can perform sexually,
because any expression of warmth and affection seem to
him as feminirie.
Komarovsky (1976), in interviewing
college students, found that some of the st:rain and
pressure on males is coming from women who reject relationships of equality and prefer more dominant males,
such that will tell them what to do.
The pressure from
female friends reinforces their feelings of lack of adequacy.
They were asked to list changes their female
friends would like to make in them: "more dominant," "more
44
decisive,
'·'-~"appear
more frequently than less bossy"
(p. 129). ·Men felt conflicting ambivalent forces--one
to conform to the sex role; another, the lack of psychological asser-tiveness to do so.
She found ·that som:.;
males avoid dating as a result, and some developed
mistrust £or women.
Yet others looked for a weaker
mate, hoping to have a type of relationship which t·::ey
felt they could handle.
Komarovsky (1964) describes husbands as ine;;;:pressi ve people, as people who lack psychological a;.rare--·
ness and have low interpersonal competence.
result of this, these husbands (?lue Collar
As a
Marria~e,
1964) are unable to cope with marital conflicts or
receive and give emotional support.
~o
Brenton (1966)
suggests that the increase in homosexuality is anot.\er
way by which the con Jcemporary man reveals his fear a.nd
feeling of inadequacies in regard to sex life.
Goldberg (1.979)
refers to the traditional r::a.n and
v.roman relationships as the relationship between Hac:w
and Earth Mother, claiming that both are locked in a.
mutually reinforced dance.
behavior.
One reinforces t.he othe::'s
He says that Macho and Eart.h Mother are ;oing
·to hate one another for the same reason they were o:::iginally attracted to each other.
Both of them, says
Goldberg, are in a double bind--so the n·:olat:ionship
becomes frustrated.
They desire each oi:her' s growtl'::
but reinforce each other's pattern.
He will feel
drained, under pressure to always be the strong one,
the independent one, always to perform.
Yet, when she
starts to assert herself and takes over, he feels
threatened, and insecure.
The traditional model of
relationship is the actor-reactor; he is the actor, she
is the reactor.
His role is based on denial, her role
is based on repression, and there is no happy ending to
this relationship.
Chapter VI
THE HAZARDS OF BEING INEXPRESSIVE
In previous chapters, effects of inexpressiveness in males was discussed in regard ·to the outer world
of man--his relationships with others.
This chapter,
however, will discuss the effects of inexpressiveness
on the inner world of the male, his physical ·and mental
well-being.
Jourard ( 1971) claims thai: being expressive
with o·thers promotes understanding of the self.
Only
by assuming an existence of authentic being can one be
in touch ·with reali t.y and keep growing.
Wearing a facade,
conforming 1:o a personna ( Jung, 19 33) , or putting on a
neuromuscular "armor" {Reich, 1948) causes man an extra
burden and stress that affect-his mental and physical
health.
Lowen (1972) claims that if a person is inex-
pressive in respect to his ideas and feelings, it is
caused by internal forces like inhibitions and muscular
armor.
The result is that his capacity for pleasure is
reduced.
Rogers {1961)
needs.
speaks about denial of organismic
According to him, there is a conflict betvleen
organismi.c needs and social needs.
The person has to
choose Hhe·ther to act in an authentic way in accordance
46
47
with his organismic experience, or with those which can
earn him the positive regard.
Since the need for posi-
tive regard (social need) is stronger than the organismic
needs, the individual starts to believe that his organismic needs are bad.
In other words, he estranges him-
self from his organismic needs, they become denied 1 do
not reach the level of awareness, and the individual
develops rigid perceptions and puts into action various
defense mechanisms.
If the male has to conform to his
rigid sex roles which views expressiveness as negative,
and if this need is stronger than his organismic need,
the result will be that man will estrange himself from
his self, and be subjected to serious harm.
Jourard (1971), in a chapter titled "An Invitation t.o l\uthenticity," proposed a hypothesis that,
. . while simple honesi:y with others (and
thus to oneself) may prod~ce scars, it is likely
·to be an effective and preventive of both mental
illness and certain kinds of physical sickness.
Honesty can literally be a health insurance
policy.
(p. 133).
Goldberg ( 19 79) claims that the masculine scrip·t
which contains all the
ll
should nots" represents a sick·-
ness, and that heavy dues were paid by males.
He says
that the original blueprint of masculinity calls for
denial of internal experience and is associated with
self destruction.
48
In the United States there are about a hundred
and five male babies for every one hundred
(Rosenfeld, 1972).
fe~.:ale
babies
But, with the years, theiT number
subsides quite a lot.
By the age of 65 - 74, there are
only seventy-nine males for every htmdred fem::.les.
Ir'l
addition, an elderly man is far more likely tc· die
within two years after his wife's death than ::woman in
a reverse loss.
The odds of a man dying
his wife are t'vlO-and··a-half times greater
wife loses her husband.
afte~
tha:::·.~
he loses
when a
For divorced males, ::he death
rate is 3.16 times greater than for divorced •..-omen.
Rosenfeld explains male's mortality in terms cf a
paradox inherited in what was always consider-o:-.1 man's
biological superiority.
'The larger body, the heavier
weight requires the rnale to use more energy,
~:se
his
heart and lungs more excessively, and, in sho::t, burn up
faster.
On top of all that, \vhen he becomes :.11, when
his body sends out signals of warning, man tr:.es to
ignore t.hem.
Goldberg ( 19 76) says, "Women exhibit g·:::ea ter
tolerance of and long adaptability to stress ::nd frustration and women as a group show a great.er cc:ncern with
physical <·nd mental health"
states~
(p. 186).
49
\-Jhei::.her you experiment with animals in the
laboni\:ory or simply observe everyday life,
males invariably go to pieces faster than
females.
Their endocrine and central nervous
system just don 1 ·t stand up well under the
strain.
Uhlenhuth (1974) conducted a series of studies
investigating the hypothesis that if given the same life
stresses, women would report more symptoms than males.
He noted that female patients reported
symp~com
.in·tensi-
ties about 25 percent higher than those reported by men
under the same amount of stress.
Garai
(1970), in his report about sex differences
in breakdown of mental heal·th, found that men are more
likely to suffer from peptic ulcers and skin disorders,
psychosomatic patterns which are Bympt:oma·tic of ·the
redirection of hostile and aggressive impulses against
one 1 s own internal and extern.al bodily organs.
When i 1.-:
comes t:o t.he ma.jor killer diseases 1 like cancer and heart
circulating diseases, one should keep in mind how crucial
is the early detection and trea·tment of the diseases.
Early detection means being aware, being tuned to body
messages.
But this is a foreign concep·t for the male.
Goldberg (1979)
claims that masculinity blueprint holds
tha·t the more pain a man can tolerate, the more masculine
he is.
As such, instead of pain being a signal, it
becomes a challenge.
macho he is.
The more he can repress, the more
Men in general, says Goldberg, do every-
50
thing possible against their health.
They do not rest
enough because resting--sleeping--means being passive
and passivity is associated wi·th femininity.
Men, when
they feel bad, \vill not go to the doctor because asking
for help is feminine.
And men, says Goldberg, will
indulge Ln food which is traditionally manly, like large
amounts of meat and beer.
Characteristically, men ignore the inside and,
says Goldberg, the less one feels from the inside, tile
more he'll need outside stimulus to give him a sense of
living.
Goldberg distinguishes between recorded suicides
and unrecorded suicides; it is true that women attemp·t
suicide more often than men, but men are more successful
at tha·t because men are afraid to fail.
suicide means contempt, and humiliation.
To fail in
Unrecorded
suicides are considered all those fatalities from "heroic"
acts like trying to cross the ocean in a sailing boat,
or accidents as results of high speeding.
Goldberg calls
it Macho Psychotic behavior and claims that they
di~guises
~re
for self destruction, and states that it happens
when a man's compulsion to live.up to a masculine image
surpasses his instinct for self survival.
Effects on Emotional Well Being
Goldberg (1979) claim.s t.hat all men·tal disorders
reflect the macho blueprint and that chiJ.d guidance
51
clinics are actually little boys' clinics.
Most of the
emotional disorders like stuttering, schizophrenia and
autism are attacking males.
Chafetz (1974) says that
"basically, sex roles stereotyping affects people's
heads," "that is to say, a good many of the costs are
mental, ar1d other problems, medical and behavioral,
result from the psychological effects"
(p. 62).
Most teenage and adult crimes are committed by
males.
Brenton (1966) claims that it is part of "estab-
lishing their masculine prowess and independence"
(p. 64).
Young male children outnwnber females in mental insti tutions, at a rate of two to one.
They encounter more
problems in school, both in learning and discipline.
It
could be that this is .caused by the discrepancy between
what society tells boys about masculinity and what schools
demand from them as students.
The fact that more women than men seek psychot.herapy indica·tes women's very positive attitude toward
growth.
This reflects women's greater sensitivity and
awareness of her feelings and her capacity to ask for
help.
Men, on the other hand, so much obsessed by the
image of masculinity and living up to it, ignore warning
signals and wait until their emotional problems become
so severe that they do require institutionalization.
More men than women use alcohpl and drugs
(Redick, 1973) .
One should wonder whether the excessive
52
use of alcohol originates from the sense of failure to
live up t.o societal expectations, or from the blueprint
of masculinity which calls for self destruction.
Or,
maybe the "under the influence state" of alcohol or
drugs provides the permission to be oneself, to cry, to
laugh, to be dependent and irrational, a.ll those feelings
that are guarded and blocked off from men's daily
experience.
r
· Chapter VII
. CONCLUSION
This paper has attempted to describe the traditional roles played by males in American society, concentrating on the issue of males' inexpressiveness.
Inexpressiveness among males has been promoted
by cultural expectations, leading males to believe that
the honorable title of a "True Masculine Man" is granted
only_ to those who are careful not to display any feminine
traits.·
Expressiveness, admittance to weakness and
vulnerability have been considered some of the most
typical female traits.
For generationi, society as a whole has been
viewing males as superior to £emales, encouraging the
feinale to envy the masculine role.
Extremes of this
attitude are expressed in the morning prayer of the
orthodox Jew, who says
·Blessed art thou, the Eternal our God,
King of the Universe who hath not
made-me a woman
(Siddur, p. 9)
_... The benefits of masculinity have been ahvays
quite obvious; what was overlooked and unquestioned
until now were the costs ar1d disadvantages of stereo·typed masculinity.
53
54
This paper has discussed some of the problems
created by sex stereotyping,
poi~ting
to the fact that
a great number of American males are leading very
unhappy,_ unhealthy and emotionally costly lives.
It
has also pointed out that following the male stereotype
hasled many men to refuse to ssek help from therapists,
or from anyone else, for that
~a~ter.
Valid affirmation
of this unhappiness is reflected in the confession of a
young man who says:
By far the most tragic f:::.ct of the role
playing which most American ::-en portray is
the fact that we lose sight of our true
beings. .
. \'vhy is it that r,.re can't know
ourselves. We block our facets of personal
experience that could make 12-fe worth living.
What is going to be the dest=uction of man?
His war or his Psyche?
(Chafetz, 1974, p. 60)
· This plea does not sound like the traditional
man.
Conservatives might eve.n view it as an at·tempt to
break away from familiar and comfortable existence,
rejecting the possibility of upsetting the status quo.
At this point, society
f~1.ces
a dilemma:
rein-
forcing the status quo of males conforming to emo"tional
muteness, letting males pay the penalty for trying to
seem manly enough,. or relieving the pressure of males.
New evidence points to the fact that the male's higher
mortality rate, untimely death, ~umerous diseases and
iri~uth~ntic
existence, are the results associated with
the traditional male sex role which requires the male to
55
appear "tough, objective, striving, achieving, unsentimental, and emotionally unexpressive"
p.
(,Jourardr 1971,
35).
Among the disadvantages of the traditional masculinity is the inability of the traditional macho male
to form and sustain a long-teEn relationship with the
modern, liberated female.
Because the new assertive,
liberated woman is often a threat to the traditional
man, he will feel that his masculinity is under a constant undermining and attack.
The new liberated female
has been going through a process of growth, her self
image and sense of identity have been changed.
She is
n6t afraid to upset the balance of the relationship,
she goes after what she wants, she dares to demand, and
most importantly, she dares to be the one to terminate
the relationship.
Males are caught off guard; for
generations they have been told that part of the advantage of their role is that they hold the control over
the rela·tionships, starting them as well as terminating
them.
As such, the promises and benefits that the tra-
ditional male sex
~ole
offered, no longer exist.
The
male painfully starts to realize that his role does not
serve his-best interests. ·seeking an alternative to the
;tradi tion:Cll: male's sex role seems almost unavoidable.
There ·are r.:ome signs that some males do seek a new
identitY1
,
n identity which will permit them t.o live as
56
humans rather than masculine images.
They are trying to
develop an identity which does not approve of
violenc:~,
competition and toughness, and basically one which is
nbt blocked by the barriers of the traditional sex iole.
Also, on the ballot of the 1978 elections in CalifornLa
was a proposition that attempted to bar admitted homosexuals from teaching in public schools.
A great oppJ-
sition was shown against this proposition, reflecting
the public change of mood toward more accept.ance of
males and females who do no'c conform to traditional s.:::x
roles.
Some men are becoming invOlved in consciousnessraising groups, trying to get in touch with their fee=.ings and beyond the sex role.
Others join them beca1::5e
they feel that. they have been dehumanized and they 'lv2.:rt
to be able to find what it means to be a male human
being rather than just a male.
However, the majori t::::· of
the males' population is still conforming to all the
"should nots" and is suffering the consequences. _
If the goal is helping to better the lives o=
the males in American society, a major change is neeo=d.
Society as a whole needs to change its value structu:.·2
if we truly believe -that the expressive male stands : : .
better chance of having a healthier, happier and lon::::::r
life than the inexpressive male.
The change should
start with the recognition that people have created
57
images that are inhtooan and have imposed values that do
not enhance human fulfillment.
\ve need to open our eyes
to the fact that books, television, movies, parents and
educators, all have been promoting and encouraging an
unre<.".listic notion of how males should feel and act.
Doing so, they all have been ignoring the fact that men
are as complex as women, equally sensitive, and as much
in need of attention, affection and acceptance.
After correcting its misconceptions about men,
society must change the messages that we are sending
out.
Relieving the strains of sexist upbringing should
start with opening more role options to both sexes,
refor:'l.ing our educational system and revising reading
mateiial and the image of the male as portrayed by the
.
-
mass :nedia.
Pogrelin (MS 1972, p. 10)
says:
If-we win, human liberation is the prize.CtJ..tr daughters and sons gain the freedom to
C.evelop as persons, not role players.
Relations:tips between the sexes can flourish without
-force and phoniness, and digni t.y can be the
birthright of every child.
Training males to tune in to their feelings and
expressing them openly, teaching them to share their
joys, pains, fears and love, will be beneficial to
indi•?idual males as well as to females and to the
soci~ty
as-a whole.
..__ -;,
~,
-
;,.-.--
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