CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE
SELF-ESTEEM ENHANCEMENT
WITH A HANDBOOK CONTAINING
A PROGRAM FOR SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT
A graduate project submitted in partial satisfaction of
the requirements for the degree of Master of Arts Ln:
Educational Psychology, Counseling and Guidance
by
Shirley J. Mangini
August 1985
The Graduate Project of Shirley J. Mangini is approved:
STANLEY 7HARNOFSKY, ~d,D. •,/hair
California State University, Northridge
ii
DEDICATED TO JUDY- WHO SHOWED ME THE VALUE OF THIS
PROGRAM IN OVERCOMING THE EFFECTS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM
PARENTING, AND IN OVERCOMING ADDICTIONS.
AND
TO MY ADULT CHILDREN - JOHN, CAROLYN, KAREN AND SUSANWHO HAVE HAD THE CHALLENGE OF OVERCOMING LOW SELFESTEEM PARENTING.
iii
SELF-ESTEEM ENHANCEMENT
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE
DEDICATION
iii
ABSTRACT
vi
CHAPTER I - INTRODUCTION
1
A.
BACKGROUND AND PURPOSE
1
B.
DEFINITION OF TERMS
6
CHAPTER II - LITERATURE REVIE\V
12
A.
SELF CONCEPT - \VHAT IS IT?
12
B.
\VHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
14
C.
ANTECEDENTS AND DEVELOPMENT OF SELF-ESTEEM
15
D.
INFLUENCING SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDREN
24
E.
HELPLESSNESS, HOPELESSNESS, DEPRESSION
32
F.
PO\VER AND SELF -ESTEEM
40
G.
MANIPULATION, PASSIVE-AGGRESSION, CRAZYMAKING
47
H.
ASSERTIVENESS AND SELF-ESTEEM
57
I.
ALCOHOL, DRUGS, AND LO\V SELF-ESTEEM
64
J.
STRESS, DISTRESS, HEALTH, AND SELF-ESTEEH
74
K.
IRRATIONAL, ILLOGICAL, PESSIMISTIC THINKING
82
L.
REALITY THERAPY
94
M.
LOSS, HOURNING, AND SELF-ESTEEM
99
N.
SKIN HUNGER AND ATTACHHENT HUNGER
105
0.
DIFFERENTIATION - BREAKING FREE AND HAKING
PEACE
114
P.
GOALS
123
iv
,,
Q.
AFFIRMATIONS
127
R.
HABITS
133
CHAPTER III - HANDBOOK, "SECRETS OF SELF-ESTEEM"
136
INTRODUCTION
141
PART A - SELF-ESTEEM SECRETS
145
PART B - SECRETS ABOUT HOW SELF-ESTEEM IS DAMAGED
154
PART C - KNOWING YOURSELF
213
PART D - YOUR 30-DAY PROGRAM FOR SELF-ESTEEM
DEVELOPMENT
260
CHAPTER IV - LIMITATIONS, CONCLUSIONS, REMAINING
CONCERNS
324
BIBLIOGRAPHY
327
APPENDIX A
334
APPENDIX B
335
v
ABSTRACT
SELF-ESTEEM ENHANCEMENT
WITH A HANDBOOK CONTAINING
A PROGRAM FOR SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT
by
J. Mangini
Shirley
Master of Arts in Educational Psychology,
Counseling and Guidance
The
topic
of
this
When
enhancement.
graduate
Dr.
Timothy
project
Leary
was
is
a
self-esteem
professor
Harvard University he is reported to have said,
only
two
conditions
therapists
treat
at
''There are
anxiety
and
low
self-esteem - and they are probably the same thing.''
The
that
graduate
covers,
topics,
each ·of
parts:
a
also
Part
A,
How
Yourself;
very
which
It
esteem.
About
in
project
public,
is
and
can
add
a
Self-Esteem
and Part D,
It
limited
includes
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem.
includes
will
is
way,
to
or
literature
a
handbook
Secrets;
counseling.
vi
Part
Part
and
valuable
from
of
self-
of
four
B,
Secrets
C,
Knowing
Developing
available
for
review
number
composed
30-Day Program for
published
especially
large
detract
Damaged;
Your
be
a
to
the
clients
in
The
is
to
of
the
substantiate
and
handbook.
purpose
enhancing
caring,
validate
The program for
D of the handbook,
contain
literature
elements
one's
review
the
information
project
in
the
self-esteem development in Part
and the preliminary exercises in Part C
which
own
I
believe
self-esteem:
are
and
a
liberal
necessary
Self-knowledge,
self-responsibility,
differentiation,
in this
for
self-
inner-directedness,
use
of
self-affirmations,
with the repetition necessary for making habits of all the
above.
vii
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTION
A.
BACKGROUND AND PURPOSE
As
have
gained
a
counseling
invaluable
intern
for
experience
several
years,
counseling
a
I
wide
variety of clients with many different kinds of problems.
I
believe
of
the
from
that
the
iceberg.
which
presenting
Beneath
all
others
child
abuse,
adolescents,
career
are a
and
result of
problems
very
job
(or
existence)
"line."
And
and
really
people
in
the
only
the
tip
basic problem,
self-esteem deficiency.
acting-out
low
sometimes
children
Substance
abuse
seeking confidence to
from
a
of
self-esteem problems,
difficulties.
escape
is
are
such as marital conflicts, spousal
abuse,
are
the surface,
ensue,
Relationship problems,
problems
seeing
the
bottle,
pi.ll,
their
problems
do
as
are
problems
solve their
futility
"joint,
and
of
11
their
"fix,
end -
as
11
or
their
lives end.
Some
counseling
responsibility for
They
the
work
hard
point of
whose
their own
progress
closure.
problems
significant,
and
often
move
clients
assume
therapy rapidly
This is very
appear
through
l
to
therapy
be
much
for
therapy
satisfying.
like
the
getting well.
through
fewer
of
Others,
and/or
snails,
to
less
making
2
little
or
no
frustrating,
is
the
progress
from
discouraging,
difference?
I
week
sometimes
believe
the
client's level of self-esteem and low for the snails.
self-esteem
before
to
week.
even
factor
the
is
What
boring.
primary
high for
This
is
the
fast-movers
The snails need first to develop
they
can
really
resolve
their
problems.
I
sometimes do cognitive work with clients,
them
communication
With
the
movers
fast-movers
I
doesn't.
solve
sounding
skills
also
do
their
a
problem-solving
''takes,''
lot
problems
Snails
board.
primary job as
it
and
of
a therapist is
with
Active
fairly
take
teaching
much
the
skills.
snails
Listening.
quickly
with
longer.
I
it
Fastme as
believe
to help clients first
a
my
find
self-acceptance and self-esteem, which of course involves
knowing
and
understanding
themselves,
what they want out of life.
and
recognizing
The problems will then take
care of themselves with just a little effort.
One of my biggest challenges was Judy,
sexually abused
age of 3.
by
an
by various relatives and
One of five children,
alcoholic
grossly
neglected
herself
and
her
bedroom apartment.
father
by
when
her
children
others from
the
the family was deserted
Judy
alcoholic
with
who had been
was
4,
mother
and
who
prostitution
she
was
supported
in
a
one-
3
Judy
teens.
had
She
abused
had
husband was
alcohol
married
murdered a
in
few
and
her
early
years
two small children at age 25.
drugs
her
twenties
later,
The
from
early
but
her
leaving her with
therapist she went to
for help took advantage of her vulnerability and ''helped''
her
go
through
for
their
a
drugs,
money was gone,
When
cocaine
course,
first
lost
e.g.,
is
not
person;
settlement
hotel
rooms,
Judy
still
she
was
grieving
a
say
"bad"
Alanon
panicked
nurturing
therapists
11
yes"
30,
her
and
When
scared she
addicted
husband,
She
but
an
just
also
was,
(even
took
for
Adult
Children
of
She
liked
three-year-old
self-reparenting,
herself
and
rocking
her)
Judy,
herself
as
e. g.,
herself;
well
to
and
like a
she
and abused
A.A.,
Cocaine
Alcoholics,
the
taught
but
idea
me
of
some
when she was sad
wrapping her
and
Parent Effectiveness Training so she
to
of
etc.
her
groups.
to
to be "nice";
unparented
began comforting herself by
parent
the
people in general.
to everyone
person,
with
the
things about
paid
cocaine and alcohol are both addicting;
directed
Anonymous,
good
etc.
lover-and-ex-therapist.
she can ''reparent'' herself,
I
which
brilliant mind and absorbed information
doesn't have to
around
met
distrustful of
sponge,
she
bills,
alcohol,
her
She had a
she
bar
insurance
so was he.
I
and
grieving
large
as
she
to
arms
enrolled
could learn to
her
or
in
be a
children.
4
I
believe she
parent,
although
adopted me as
this
was
never
a
temporary
substitute
I
discussed.
sometimes
awakened in the morning to hear her voice on my answering
''I just needed to hear your voice - I ' l l be O.K.
machine,
now
11
thanks,
or
sometimes
just
a
I always knew it was Judy,
message.
struggling
with her
pain
and
whimper
without
a
haunted by her past,
fear,
working
hard to
stay
off drugs and avoid abusive people.
I
felt
guidance,
specific
ways
of
her
and
her
overload
and
taking
herself
negative
of
the
theories about
contained
B)
and
gave
how it does
thirty
this
Journal
understand
its
said
they
liked
Some
made
no
to
to
it
barrage
to
I
pages
of
one
at
it
helped,
all,
to
herself
erase
Many
devised
and
of
my
a Self-
had done about what
page
I
futile effort, and forgot about it.
and some
The Journal
exercises
clients.
thought
it
learn
Judy;
or doesn't develop,
several
and
comments
of
to
introduction (Appendix A)
complete
purpose
to
was
building self-esteem.
identical
instructions
to
So
which was a summary of the research I
self-esteem is,
addition
messages.
things.
one-page
in
care
about
same
Esteem Journal with a
acceptance,
and
of
these
needed,
family;
messages
clients needed
Judy
loving
from
positive
replace
what
education,
differentiate
with
that
(Appendix
every
Some
day.
couldn't
was
"silly."
but
it
decided
it
I
was
had
Some
boring.
been
a
5
At this
time I was not seeing Judy regularly because
R.N. program and was too busy for
she had enrolled in an
regular
When I
counseling appointments.
did see her
two
months later she was standing taller, had a quieter inner
confidence
had
I
never
seen
before,
something complementary about
her
also
completed
told
Journal,
She
me
that
even
"I
said
though
felt
on
After
forcing
the
had
it
had
phony
been
saying
even
said
intelligence.
the
Self-Esteem
painfully
those
She
difficult.
affirmations
and
but you had not steered me wrong yet so I
wanted to stop,
kept
she
own
and
myself
second
to
I
week
things about myself.''
do
the
started
exercises
every
day.
believing
those
good
She told me that the Journal was a
turning point for her.
Judy has now moved to northern California to be near
her
deceased
nursing
husband's
training,
parents.
tells
me
has even stopped
smoking.
losses
there,
has
is
still
eased
the pain,
somewhat
D of
project
Self-Esteem
handbook
clean
Although the
and
she
is
is
probably
has
faced
completing
her
and
and
sober,
pain of her many
always
the
will
grief
be,
it
and
felt
in
this
no longer anesthetized by chemicals.
Part
graduate
as
she
She
are
introduction,
the
is
Journal.
an
and
handbook
a
that
revised
All
expansion
the
of
is
included
version
other
the
condensations
of
the
chapters
original
of
my
original
in
the
one-page
literature
,,
6
research,
perhaps
have
plus
some
original
work
that
from
various
absorbed .subliminally
chosen
to
keep
the
handbook
I
short
conceived
(or
sources).
and
I
succinct,
simple and non-technical as much as possible.
I
am excited about
publisher
has
registering
given
it,
etc.
for
therapists
my
who
own
me
If
to publish the book,
scale
this handbook on self-esteem.
I
advice
this
it
does not
choose
intend to do so myself on a small
clients.
want
publisher
it,
titling
about
A
I
for
have
their
a
waiting
clients,
and
list
I
of
have
a
built-in mailing list of over 800 former students from my
Effectiveness
Training
Effectiveness
classes
Training
Parent
for
Effectiveness,
and
Women,
Youth
Effectiveness.
B.
DEFINITION OF TERMS
Following are very
terms
used
in
this
brief
definitions of some of
project,
More
detailed
the
definitions
and descriptions will be found in the text:
~Section
Chapter
Self
and
concept
unconscious,
self.
self.
A:
all
that
of
the
qualities,
contribute
The self concept may,
to
both
one's
or may not,
conscious
perception
of
match one's real
7
JlL
Chapter
~
Section
Self-esteem -
the
evaluative
component
of
the
self
concept.
One may have a level of self-esteem that ranges
from
to
loH
ample,
high.
It
may
be
deficient,
adequate,
or
but it is never non-existent.
JlL
Chapter
~
Section
Antecedents
(of
projected
qualities
takers
a
of
child
self-esteem)
in
the
are
parents
Hhich contribute
the
innate
and/or
to
and
other
and
care-
determine
the
child's level of self-esteem.
The
unfold
development
gradually
stronger,
JlL
Chapter
To
sway,
higher,
affect,
JlL
Chapter
to
its
highest
is
to
alloH
potential
it
to
to
a
-
to
Q
is
to
impress,
Section
Helplessness
self-esteem)
more active state.
Section
influence
(of
cause
a
change
in
another
or inspire.
~
and
hopelessness
impotence and despair -
are
feelings
of
lacking the ability to change the
course of events in one's life.
Depression
apathy
that
is
a
feeling
results from
and
affect
of
sadness
anu
a condition of helplessness
and
hopelessness.
Chapter
JlL
Section F:
Power has both a negative and a
Positive
po~<er
is
the
ability
or
positive definition.
capacity
to
act
or
8
perform
effectively;
negative
power
is
the
ability
to
exercise control and forcefulness over others.
Chapter
IlL
~
Section
Nanipulation
is
the
management for one's own
act
of
shrewd
or
devious
advantage~
Passive-aggression is a style of relating to others
in non-direct, non-assertive ways.
Passive-aggressi.on is
almost synonymous with manipulation, and is the conscious
or unconscious use of indirect means to achieve a desired
goal.
Crazymaking is the behavior of passive-aggressive or
manipulative people that makes others literally feel like
they are going insane.
Chapter
IlL
~
Section
Assertiveness is behavior which enables a person to
act
in
his/her
her/himself
feelings
own
without
best
interests,
undue
anxiety,
comfortably,
and
to
to
to
exercise
stand
up
I
l
for
express
honest
personal
rights
j
without denying the rights of others.
Chapter
IlL
j
1£
Section
Drugs are chemicals or substances which may have an
effect on,
or alter
the functioning
of,
j
the body and/or
the brain.
Alcohol
j
is
a
drug
which affects
both
the
body and
j
the brain, but is often not thought of as a ''drug.''
j
j
9
Chapter
~
Section J:
Stress
made
upon
is
it,
unpleasant
the
response
and
can
be
experiences.
of
the
body
associated
Conditions
to
with
any
demand
pleasant
which
cause
or
stress
are stressors.
Distress
is
the
body's
response
to
disagreeable
or
unpleasant experiences.
Health
is
a
condition
health is connected with
of
the
body
or
mind.
Good
physical and mental well-being.
Poor health is connected with illness or sickness.
Chapter
~
Section K:
Irrational
thinking
is
nonsensical
or
senseless
thinking.
Illogical
thinking
is
farfetched
is
the
or
unsound
thinking.
Pessimistic
thinking
tendency
to
always
expect the worst.
Chapter
~
Section L:
Reality Therapy is therapy
irresponsible
behavior
to
that
focuses
on changing
reality-oriented,
responsible
behavior.
Chapter
~
Loss
Section M:
is
something
which
you
once
had,
longer.
Mourning is a sorrowing or grieving.
but
have
no
10
Chapter
IlL
Skin
Section N:
Hunger
is
a
need
for
touching
contact with others,
without which
or
which
even
survive
and
is
for
bodily
infants cannot thrive
important
for
all
people.
Attachment Hunger is also a deep biological need for
affiliation with others,
infancy
and/or
which,
childhood,
compulsive
drive
''neurosis''
or
activities,
or substances.
Chapter
IlL
to
meet
addictions
if not adequately met
in
even
a
a
causes
the
to
need
strong,
through
people,-
attachment
places,
things,
Section 0:
Differentiation is the state or recognition of being
different.
In psychological terms there are two types of
(1)
differentiation:
from
logical
uniqueness,
Separation of
thoughts,
separate
and
from
(2)
feelings
and
Acknowledging
others,
especially
emotions
one's
own
one 1 s
own
family.
Chapter
IlL
Goals
Section P:
are
aims,
purposes,
or
end
results
toward
which one strives.
Chapter
IlL
Section
Affirmations
self, desires,
~
are
goals,
positive
etc.
declarations
about
one's
ll
Chapter
~
Section
Habits
hence,
are
~
behaviors
or
actions
done
often
easily and without intense concentration.
and,
CHAPTER II
LITERATURE REVIEW
A.
Self
These
that
iden ti. ty
Jackson
is
IT?
include
of
(1972)
that
one's
both
of
are
percepti.on
up
has
an
combination
self.
conscious
Horrocks
i.nfinite
of
of
individual's
to
almost
of
and
the
According
us
a
organization
unconscious
make
1971).
each
identities
to
which
self
(Gergen,
collecti.ve
a
contri.bute
qualities
perceptions
~
WHAT
concept
qualities
of
~
SELF CONCEPT
self
and
number
concepts
in
various roles.
(1977)
Samuels
dimensions
includes
self
of
the
which
the
physical
religious self;
process
meaning
(d)
self
includes
by
(c)
which
concept
and
the
The
are
concept.
Maher
comprised
of
the
(1966)
two
self,
become
in
factors
social
cultural,
and
cognition being a
aware
sector
that
the
The
which
of
and
gain
their environment;
evaluative
feels
image
(b)
ethnic,
cooni.tive
important
~
self;
racial,
from objects and events
the
(a)
sexual
individuals
Self-esteem,
that
proposes
the
of
self
the
and
self
concept
cognitive
or
is
thinking
factor and the affective or feeling factor.
The
all
our
concept
has
way
i.n
actions.
of
both
reality
a
self
which
we
conceive
ourselves
our
conduct
is
than
on
reality
itself.
and
a
self
Yet
12
based
concept.
influences
more
Every
One's
on
our
person
concept
13
of
se 1 f
may
learned
from
concept
is
can
shaped,
be
the
childhood
is
concepts
for
are
or
self
not
(Briggs,
for
interacts
period
(Gergen,
inherited,
others
experience
better
critical
real
with
teachers
slowly,
child
a
one 1 s
rna tch
self
and
formed
whom
not
interactions
peers,
parents,
with
may
Children's
1971).
are
or
primarily
1970).
by
but
Self
experience,
worse,
by
the
and
people
(Briggs,
1970).
for
development
the
Early
of
self concept.
We are not what we think we are
.
We are not even what others think we are
We are what we think others think we are
(Gergen,
The
because
self
it
determines
experiences,
depending
concept
them.
self
their
It
and
significant
how
they
seeing them as
upon
whether
or incompetent.
way
is
These
peers,
also
significant
The
self
and
evaluate
themselves
the
and
child
concept
as
negative,
competent
turn influence
adults,
how
children
positive or
perceptions in
determines
others.
see
young
perceive
either
they
to
1971)
is
others
behaves
clearly
the
view
toward
a
very
important part of children's learning and development.
14
B. WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?
-----
Self-esteem is the
concept.
Branden
evaluative
(1969)
component
describes
of the
self
self-esteem as having
two interrelated aspects -
self-confidence, or a sense of
personal
self-respect,
efficacy;
personal worth,
and worthy.
has
self-esteem
worthy,
belonging"
esteem
as
self-worth.
you're you"
\Vhen
sense
you
of
have
it
compassion,
the world
and
and
has
( 1970)
deep
a
sense
inside,
a
of
self-
feeling
you're
of
glad
says "Integrity, honesty,
love
is a
considers
describes
self-respect,
the person whose (self-esteem)
that
herself
Briggs
(p.3). Satir (1972)
responsibility,
matters,
of
sense
that ''An individual who
competent,
34).
quiet
says
respects
feels
(pp. 33
"A
the
the conviction that one is both competent
Samuels (1977)
high
herself
and
all
flow
is high.
better
easily
He feels
from
that he
place because
he
is
each individual has
an
here" (p.22).
Maslow
urge
to
(1968)
theorizes
grow toward
self-esteem
must
actualizing
person.
questions
"\Vhat
actualizing?"
hypothesis
was
self-actualization,
be
and
that
met
before
Nas low's
makes
"What
that
one
makes
neurosis
can
research
people
a
the need
become
a
was
based
healthy
and
people
is
and
selfon
the
self-
neurotic?"
deficiency
for
His
disease,
born out of being deprived of certain satisfactions which
15
he
called
"needs."
His
therapy
showed
replacement
were
eliminated,
considered
that
sicknesses
self-esteem
for
humans,
research
to
health
good
the
these
to
an
intrinsic
and
optimum
empty hole which must be filled
individual
heal thy
has
effects
of
deficiencies
disappear.
Maslow
need
of
all
growth
If self-esteem does not exist,
development.
each
when
tended
be
on
and
then it is an
up for health 1 s sake,
an
intrinsic
and
motivation
to
continually grow toward self-esteem.
It is important for parents,
care
for
children,
children,
to
how
and
know
to
how
inspire
teachers, and others who
to
foster
the
self-esteem
momentum
in
self-
of
motivation.
C. ANTECEDENTS --AND DEVELOPMENT -OF SELF-ESTEEM
According
to Maslow
( 1968)
the
need
for
self-esteem
does not emerge into consciousness until other, more basic
needs have been met safety
and
the needs for physical survival;
and
security;
for
love,
acceptance,
for
and
satisfying relationships with others.
Therefore,
a
child
who is hungry,
and unloved,
would
be
neglected,
less motivated
to
uncared-for,
achieve and
accomplish
who is loved, cherished, and well-cared for.
say
that
for
a
child
to
develop
self-esteem
than a
child
Maslow would
she/he
must
16
first
have good health and the necessities of life,
and security,
and abundant nurturing love and care.
Swayze
(Yawkey,
treated
determines
valued,
and
\~hen
children
are
understanding,
development of
domination,
Satir
genes
her/his
with
feels
love,
trust,
some
child
is
she/he
is
of
self.
respect,
and
worth
and
human
common
causes
for
the
a negative self concept are overprotection,
(1972)
says
the
"I
am
feeling
convinced
of worth.
Coopersmith
the
determined
specific
that
to
the
value
antecedents
family
self
and
of
are
no
And
regard
research
to
self-esteem.
conditions
to
there
24).
extensive
did
(1967)
that
It is learned.
-
the family is where it is learned" (p.
individual
how
perceptions
their
that
of
a
neglect.
to carry
determine
how
perceptions
realize
they
that
her/his
treated
Swayze
says
1980)
consequently
potential.
safety
that
self
as
He
lead
an
an
object
of worth are:
(1)
warmth,
Parental
with
total
or
nearly
total
acceptance of the child by parents.
(2)
of
Clearly
the
defined
child.
Such
and
enforced
limits
must
and appropriate to the age of
and inflexible.
limits
be
.£.I:!. the
reasonable,
the child,
behavior
rational,
and not arbitrary
17
(3)
Respectful
latitude
.2.f
treatment
for
individual
the
child
action
by
parents,
and
within
the
existing
defined limits.
(4)
High self-esteem
Coopersmith
these
one
(1967)
conditions
self-esteem
of
in
them
.2.f
also
are
any
His
given
In addition,
he
to
to
produce
suggest
that
the
individual,
studies
conditions are required four.
determined
essential
sufficient
enhancement.
the parents themselves.
not
development
nor
is
any
marked
that
all
of
of
single
self-esteem
combinations
of
more than one but less than the
felt
it likely that
a
minimum of
devaluating conditions, such as rejection, ambiguity, and
disrespect,
attained.
is
required
if
high
self-esteem
is
to
be
The four antecedents will now be examined more
thoroughly:
Parental warmth and acceptance:
Such
welfare,
behalf,
parents
are
and
They express
expressions
are
willing
are
loyal
to
concerned
exert
sources
for
themselves
of
their
child's
on
child's
affection
the
and
their acceptance in a variety of
of
interest
and
concern
being
support.
ways,
perhaps
with
the
major underlying feature of their attitude and behaviors.
(Coopersmith,
1967)
Briggs (1970) believes that acceptance is too mild a
word.
than
She believes that children need something stronger
acceptance-
they
need
cherishing.
They
must
feel
18
valued and
She
precious and
defines
service
to,
just
cherishing
n.ot
as
something
but
the
feeling
"It
child.
dear.
In
to
open
special
is
sensing
spite
the
rather
his
wonder
of
him"
one
on
it.
The
personal worth
the
child
li.kely
to
to
child's
is not
choose
and
finding
irritations,
89).
When
they are
errors
as
being
goals
She
and
that
successes
mistakes
for
that
they do
is
not
that
this permits
is
more
increase
are
growth
it
remain
feels
she/he
not
less overwhelming,
areas
you
cherished
behavior,
resulting
self-respect.
see
of
to
the
uniqueness
realistic
The
reach.
personal worth
can
tied
lip
toward
(p.
benefit
gives
has
although children can survive on acceptance,
blossom
exist.
one
intermittent
of
~
because
and
the
tied
the
rather
to
child
than
as
personal catastrophes.
Limits .£.!!. behavi.or:
Coopersmith
definite and
associated
greater
and
families
clear
high
and
freer
without
limits
punishment;
self-esteem
than
on
and
such
exert
the
clearly
less
the
that
utilize
families
greater
studies
that
child's behavior are
that
deviation
limits;
his
families
defined
individual
behavior
that
from
self-esteem;
maintain
rather
behavior,
determined
enforced limits on
with
establish
(1967)
limits
from
that
permit
conventional
expression,
than
families who
maintain
less
of
drastic
children
demands
for
do
forms
with
of
high
academic
19
performance
limits
and
and
excellence.
rules
are
facilitating
effects,
such
is
limits
definite
regard
values,
as
willing
and
to
be
whose
equal,
enhancing
performance
moderate,
have
a
clear
behavior,
and
within
tolerant,
and
enforce
values
and
of
limits
idea
and
of
who
their
rear children who value
parents
have
being
and
This suggests that parents who have
who
present
to
things
parental
to
appropriate
likely to
are
likely
likely
generally civilized.
Other
what
are
they
able
beliefs,
and
are
more
themselves highly
than
standards
are
vague
and
unclear.
The
imposition
define
the
expectations
of
group,
and
the
which
likely
to
child
a
evoke
sense
contributes
likelihood
to
that
point
at
action;
that
on
others,
the
deviation
enforcement
norms
are
child
will
of
serves
norms
of
from
them
limits
real
self-definition,
the
behavior
and
and
believe
to
the
gives
is
the
significant,
the
increases
that
a
sense
of
reality is attainable.
Coopersmith's studies
(1967)
further
indicated that
children reared within definite limits are more likely to
be
socially
associates
accepted
and
also
as
more
peers
and
leaders
capable
of
expressing
by
their
opinions
and accepting criticism. Parents who are less certain and
attentive of
who
are
more
their standards are likely
compliant
to
the
will
of
to have children
their
peers
and
20
less likely to perceive alternatives -
as well as lower in
self-esteem.
The
are
distinctive
clearly
defined
and cues it
enables
has
a
her/his
is
child
a
to
judge
desired
judgments
consequences;
the
the
the
home
in
which
standards,
for
goal,
world
and
locus
This clarity
him/herself
made
whether
she/he
progress,
or
deviated.
she/he learns
to
rely
interpretations
is
limits
information,
cognitively clear.
cognitively clear
own
of
that
provides are
attained
In the
feature
internal
and
of
upon
events
personal
and
rather
than external and social.
(1970)
Briggs
standards
that
youngster
feel
cautions
are
either
she/he
is
parents
too
a
high,
constant
about
setting
which
could
failure,
or
make
too
a
low,
which indicates lack of faith in the child and wipes out a
feeling
of
value.
line if
they are based on
keen
observation,
and
present
expectations
causes
Expectations
and
the
to
damage
run
the
facts
consideration
pressures.
that
are
If
more
of
of
likely
to
be
in
child development,
the
child's
past
the
child
submits
to
to
his/her
nature,
it
contrary
self-esteem,
A child's
belief
in
him/herself is the core that allows the child to flourish.
When she/he
that
buckles under to fit
disregard
respect
is
the
maimed,
child's
preconceived expectations
essential
Briggs
also
nature,
cautions
the
self-
against
conditional approval (''Fit my blueprints or go unloved'')
21
(p.
49).
The
expectations
fine
line
seems
coupled with a warm
to
lie
belief
in
realistic
in the
child and
positive regard for the child as a person.
The core of limits and expectations seems to be that
they be
and
rational,
reasonable,
capacities
the
of
and appropriate
child,
and
not
to the
arbitrary
age
and
inflexible.
Respectful treatment:
Parents
what
they
able
and
have
definite
regard
as
appropriate
behavior,
willing
to
present
and
enforce
to
treat
apparently
less
have
need
Coopersmith
harshly.
that
who
parents
these
attention they
gave
(1967)
a
for
idea
and
who
their
that
their
and their
clear
calm,
of
are
beliefs,
their
observed
showed
them,
values,
children
the
concern
children,
the
realistic,
and
assured demeanor would lead one to believe that they were
unlikely
behave
to
in
impose
a
harsh
or
extreme
restrictions,
Firm,
manner.
capricious
or
clear,
to
but
extensive limits appeared to be much more consistent with
their
personalities.
Coopersmith's
There
studies
that
vindictive, emotional,
believed
and
strongly
values,
accordingly,
and
yet
in
were
these
no
parents
or power seeking.
the
guided
at the
validity
the
of
lives
same time
indications
were
in
harsh,
They apparently
their
of
perceptions
their
children
accepted and
tolerated
dissent within the limits that they had established.
In
22
theory,
concert
firm
limit
definition
respect
with
for
i.s
likely
to
individual
be
found
expression
in
and
respectful treatment of the child.
Parental self-esteem:
The
high
parents in Coopersmith's studies
self-esteem
relatively
good
children,
terms
with
established clear
lines
Both
mother
father
and
generally
of
one
(1967) who had
appeared
another
authority and
led
active
to
and
be
to
on
have
responsibility.
lives
outside
the
family and apparently did not rely upon their families as
their sole
He found
or major
accepting
lead
active
success
are
gratification and
esteem.
that parents with high self-esteem are generally
more
powers.
sources of
of
others,
personal
are
lives,
decisive,
and
are
convinced
inclined
of
their
to
own
They presumably have less need to gain vicarious
from
able
to
the
accomplishments
provide
their
of
children
their
with
a
children,
and
definite
idea
of what they expect and desire.
Briggs
confirm
to
too
their
confirm
(1970)
children
says
hinges
themselves.
particularly our children attitudes,
a
that
parents'
largely
Because
we
on
see
ability
their
to
capacity
others
and
in the light of our own self-
necessary check on the mirroring we
provide
involves looking at our own self-esteem.
Samuels
( 1977)
ci.tes
six
empirical
have supported the theories of Adler,
studies
Fromm, Murphy,
which
and
23
Rogers,
that
those
who
accept
themselves
tend
to
accept
others.
It
seems
inextricably
accept
come
then
bound
ourselves,
to
terms
threatened
by
that
by
we
with
attitudes
attitudes
can
accept
our
own
hostility
parental
self-esteem
is
another
antecedent
of
toward
likely
others
self.
others.
When
hostilities
from
the
toward
we
without.
to
be
I
feel good because she loves me.
I am good because I
I
feel good.
feel good because I am good,
My mother loves me because I am good.
My mother does not love me.
I
feel bad.
I
feel bad because she does not love me.
I
am bad because I
feel bad.
I feel bad because I am bad.
I
have
are
less
am bad because she does not love me.
She does not love me because I am bad.
(R.D. Laing, Knots,
high
with
self-esteem
My mother loves me.
feel good.
we
we
associated
acceptance.
I
If
Thus,
child's
are
1970)
24
D.
INFLUENCING SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDREN
"Helping
children
build
to successful parenthood"
high
self-esteem
1970,
(Briggs,
p.
is
the
key
6).
Conveying acceptance .!_Q_ children:
He
have
through
are
learned
positive
loving
believe
and
that
criticize
catch
accepting.
way
unwanted
yet
behavior
when
whi.ch
the
to
with
Many
improve
to
they
significant
parents
a
child's
are
unacceptable
i.n
fail
self-esteem
Parents
behavior.
c hi.ld
action,
children's
interactions
the
their
is
that
"catch 11
could
cornerstone
the
convey
of
in
is
people
our
often
child
is
to
quick
to
and
in
who
society
behavior
behavior
take
acceptable
acceptance.
self-esteem,
bui.lt
Acceptance,
might
be
called
the greatest deficit that exists in child-rearing.
One way
to
give
and
at
to convey
complete
positive
verbally
to
love and acceptance
attention
times,
the
child
to
to
her/him
communicate
that
we
care,
person
say
''Hhen
feeling
greater depth
bei.ng,
endorse
strokes
good,
they
his
alive,
is
alert,
and
one
of
positive
ways,
and
non-
expressions
of
they
leave
the
At a
signi.ficant.
individual's sense of well-
intelligence,
(p.
child is
James and Jongward
positive,
enhance the
OK, You're OK position"
Listening
are
the
verbally
with
affectionate or appreciative feelings.
(1973)
in
to
and
convey
the
I'm
47).
the
finest
"strokes"
one
person
25
can give another, and is especially effective in conveying
acceptance
to
a
child.
encounter
knowing
It causes
that
the
her/his
chi.ld
to
feelings,
leave
ideas
opinions have been really heard and understood,
the
and
and she/he
as a person has been validated.
Carl
used by
he
Rogers
developed
a
listening
technique
many therapists in the mental health field,
called
19 7 2)
( 1951)
"reflective
Gordon
and
listening."
(1970,
Ginott
1974,
1976)
(1965,
which
1969,
brought
these
listening skills to the attention of parents and teachers,
and
developed
which
Gordon
attention
and
courses
calls
to
the
reflecting
to
them
the
verbal
total
and
cautioned
that
experiencing
when
giving
moralizing,
criticizing,
and
diverting.
Such
messages,
be Active Listeners,
they
to
a
should
child
"roadblocks"
certain
praising,
reassuri.ng,
cause
a
is
threateni.ng,
lecturing,
analyzing,
who
avoid
such as ordering,
solutions,
ridiculing,
sensitive
In
they
communication ''roadblocks,''
skills,
empathically.
listening
problem,
such
non-verbal
message
teaching parents and teachers to
are
learn
Listening"
''Active
child 1 s
back
help
probing,
troubled
child
to feel misunderstood, alone, and inadequate.
Parents and
teachers
praise,
evaluative
are
taught
judgments,
the
and
difference
positive
between
or
appreciative
Messages, which are positive strokes for the child.
or
''I''
26
Briggs
genuine
is
says
encounters
simply
special
(p.
(19 70)
with his
focused
born
of
child
parents.
attention.
intensity
64).
''Every
It
periodic
Genuine
encounter
is
direct,
In such encounters,
needs
attention
personal
end,
the child concludes,
a
involvement"
the parent says,
"It is important to me to be with you."
with
in effect,
On the receiving
''I must matter because my folks
take time to be involved with my person.''
Satir
(1972),
designed
to
in
offering
"Communication
is
one
(self-esteem)
tool
another's
by
which
that
variety
communication
improve
the
a
gauge
level
by
which
level,
can
be
of
exercises
skills,
two
and
people
it
changed
is
for
says
measure
also
them
the
both"
(p. 30).
Acceptance,
can
best
and
by
be
an
important
conveyed
effective
to
Active
antecedent
children
by
Listening:
of
self-esteem,
positive
attention
''Acceptance
is
like
the fertile soil that permits a tiny seed to develop into
the
lovely
enables
flower
it
is
child
to
actualize
the
1970, p.
capable
of
his
becoming
it
potential"
(Gordon,
31).
Setting limits on behavior:
Gordon
needs,
to
they
derive
existence,
(1970)
have
addresses
their
own
enjoyment
and
he
offers
and
the
lives
fact
to
that
live,
satisfaction
parents
skills
to
parents
and
the
have
right
from
their
assert
their
27
needs
and
wants
confrontive
clear,
in
skills
that
unacceptable behavior.
down
devastating effects
and
"I"
messages
description
behavior
of
on
the
on
feelings,
and
clothes
on
the
outside
the
clothes
for
and
limits
Such
the
me
for
independent,
are
them
will
worthless,
child's
consist
a
modify
of
a
self
clear,
the
can
concept,
non-blameful
effect
congruent
have
of
that
statement
about
"I resent your leaving towels
bathroom
hamper,
my
which
developing
behavior;
and
e.g.
floor
and
because
time
modifying
responsible
bombarded
to
and
to
it
relax
in
the
causes
and
hallway,
extra
enjoy
work
myself."
"I" messages place responsibility within
confrontive
child
a
parent;
parent's
child
messages,
child's
the
the
language,
Gordon differentiates between put-
which
the
motivate
"you"
or
messages,
congruent
with
learn
to
lazy,
behavior,
behavior.
messages
look
at
that
which
Whereas,
deprecate
themselves
thoughtless,
leads
as
to
more
children
and
who
devalue
no-good,
bad,
inconsiderate,
dumb,
inadequate, unacceptable, etc.
Ginott
(1965)
suggests
a
four-step
sequence
defining limits, while preserving a child's self-esteem:
(1) Parent recognizes the child's wish and puts it in
simple words:
(2)
"
"You wish you could
Parent states clearly the limits on a specific act:
''But the rule in our house is .
"
(3) Parent points out ways in which the wish can be at
least partially fulfilled:
''Although you may not
.'
for
28
"
you may
(4)
Parent
helps
the
resentment
that
restrictions
are
don't
like the
rule,
etc."
child
imposed:
rule.
discipline,
saying:
discipline"
(p.
peaceful family
express
likely
is
(1970)
Briggs
to
''It
"The
is
the
arise
obvious
limits,
goal
of
"Limits
living.
to
of
when
that
you
You wish there weren't such a
addresses
226).
some
discipline
are
The number
and
rules,
is
needed
to
and kind
selfensure
established
must consider individual needs and stages of growth.
strongest
determinant
as
to
whether
rules
work
against self-esteem li.es in how they are made"
The
for
(pp.
or
229,
230).
Briggs
a
( 1970),
democratic
11
shared,
kept"
as
and
Parents
approach
opposed
to
to
have
as Gordon
( 1970),
discipline,
recommends
which
is
authoritarianism which
permissiveness
who
need to use
as well
which
adequate
is
"poHer
self-esteem
their power to control.
do
is
given
not
"power
11
power
away. 11
have
the
Sharing power comes
easier for those who like themselves.
Bodenhamer
families have
the
(1983)
two kinds of
children
Discretionary
permission
to
says
must
Rules
set
for
that
rules:
obey
which
well-functioning
Mandatory Rules which
(non-negotiable);
children
themselves,
have
depending
on
and
parental
the
age,
29
maturity, and experience of
the children involved.
Hhen
parents are not in control of Mandatory and Discretionary
Rules, the rules then become Optional Rules.
Rule
is one
find
\<ays
that
to
or
stated,
to
haven't
been
sure
sounds
as
you
( p.
follow
to
through
obeyed,
and
stated
rule.
recommends
that
that
powerful words
"be
that
issue").
the
mean
\<hat
you
demonstrate
that
be
rule,
it
may,"
say,
child
and
giving
that
tell
them
and
parents
the
in
and
argues
deflect
effectively
rules
"nonetheless,
11
(or
11
11
given an option,
must
enforcing
complains,
arguments
nevertheless 11
Bodenhamer's Law i.s:
and
all
voice
with
their
thnt
be
the
he
t"o
The \<ords
synonyms,
is
not
the
''Human beings (including
children) prefer doing things in their o\<n \<ay,
own time,
or
rewards
resolute
consistent
parent
11
parents
.is.. and how often it is to be
that
and
followed
the
that cut through the argument.
"regardless 11
clearly
He gives guidelines for
and
the
or
advocate
recommends
the
are
as
obeyed,
firm
they
If
not
\<asn' t
effectively
a
to .!2_
He
24).
is
but that children
rule
applying
does
"Use
though
i.t
in
or threats.
what ..!:.£ .!!2...,_ when
done"
that
Bodenhamer
the
haven't
consistent
directions:
obeyed,
Either
parents
make
punishments,
clear
evade.
the
through
three.
parents \<ant
An Optional
will sometimes
in their
do as they
please" (p. 15).
Bodenhamer
concludes
his
book
\<ith
a
chapter
on
"Sharing Your Love," in which he recommends beginning and
30
ending
each
belonging;
day
Hith
spending
Hords
time
expressing
love,
together as a
caring
and
doing
fun
family
things to make the home a loving, caring place to be; not
alloHing children to isolate themselves excessively;
and
liberal expressions of appreciation, Hith hugs and kisses
and Harm, gentle touching.
Respectful treatment:
\Jebster
(1976)
quality
the
regard;
Respectful
courtesy,
defines
treatment
regard
for
respect
or
state
means
to
as
high
being
of
treat
another's
or
esteemed.
with
Hishes;
to
speci.al
deference,
refrain
from
interfering Hith another's privacy.
If
He
child,
consistently
the
her/himself.
child
If
give
esteem
learns
parents
to
have
and
respect
esteem
respect
and
for
to
a
respect
themselves,
they are likely to have respect for people generally, and
are likely to treat their children with respect.
When
parents
accept
their
children
and
convey
acceptance Hith both verbal and non-verbal language, they
are
demonstrating
respectful
complete
attentiveness
verbally
and
adult
who
when
non-verbally,
places
treatment.
Listening
a
communicating,
is
him/herself
child
an
at
is
act
the
of
respect.
child's
eye
with
An
level
when communi.cating is showing respect.
Understanding
letting
the
demonstrating
the
child
respect,
child 1 s
know
feelings
that
you
Sharing
your
and
needs,
and
understand
is
own
needs
and
31
feelings
with
the
child
is
showing
the
child
that
you
trust and respect her/him.
Setting
and
limits
enforcing
which
take
consideration the age and maturity of the child,
which
are
arbitrary
not
and
inflexible,
and
into
limits
which
consider the health and safety of the child and the needs
and
rights of
all
family
members
and of
society,
is an
act of love, concern and respect.
If parents respect the child they will treat her/him
as
a
seperate,
of
the
parent,
autonomous
not
as
a
person -
means
of
not
as
meeting
an
extension
the
parents'
needs, and not as property that is "owned" by the parent.
A CHILD'S PLEA FOR AUTONOMY
(Author unknown)
Please let me grow as I be,
And please do understand
Why I want to grow like me.
Not like my mother
\vants
me to be,
Nor like my father hOQeS I'll be,
Or like my teacher thinks I should be.
Please understand and help me grow,
Just
like
me!
Parents' self-esteem:
A number of psychologists, headed by Eric Fromm and
Carl Rogers (as reported in Samuels,
is
a
close
connection
bet\veen
self and feelings for others.
c
1977) believe there
?erson' s
evaluation
of
32
Samuels
indicated
reported
that
on
parents
a
who
large
had
number
high
of
self-esteem
expressed warmth and acceptance toward their
than parents with low self concepts,
were
likely
to
have
attitude
toward
their
etc. -
that resembled that of their own parent.
treatment
have
by
significant
self-esteem.
accepting
warmth,
already
of
love,
others
him/herself
and
respect
is
parents
A
handbook
is
is
to work
to
only a
capable
submissive,
of
to
supporting
to
emitting
nurture
their
positive
parent who is
So it seems a
on improving
encourage
or
conducive
required
and
children
accepting,
Based on these studies,
esteem development of a child.
of
dominating
seen,
felt
and that such parents
accepting
we
rejecting,
that
children more
either
As
or
an
studies
the
the
self-
primary task
own self-esteem.
development
self-esteem
or
enhancement in one's self is included in this project.
E
HELPLESSNESS,
HOPELESSNESS,
DEPRESSION,
AND
LOW
SELF-ESTEEM
Significant
"learned
(1975,
studies on
helplessness"
1980).
The
have
theory
the effects
been
of
made
of
by
learned
what he
Martin
termed
Seligman
helplessness
is:
33
"The
and
perception
the
onset or
and Seligman,
what I
of
do,
independence
between
one's
responses,
termination of aversive events''
1980 p.
198).
or don't do,
I
In simpler terms,
can't
stop any of
(Garber
"No matter
the
negative
things that are happening to me.''
Chanowitz
and
powerlessness
power)
and
exercise
Langer
(the
(1980)
failure
helplessness
of
of
an
Their
powerlessness
leads
to
the
failures)
while
helplessness
the
self),
which
rage
leads
to
studies
(blaming
a
of
the
leads
to
generalized
between
exercise
attempted
failure
(the
control).
differentiated
an
of
attempted
indicate
that
environment
for
apathy
(blaming
hopelessness,
to
lowered self-esteem, and eventually to depression.
Garber,
between
and
When
the
the
kind
kind
one
of
feels
negative
or
experiences
control
Miller,
of
and
helplessness
helplessness
helpless
positive
only
them,
this
and depression,
Abramson
to
it
negative
leads
(1980)
which
that
leads
an
to
outcomes
to
leads
leads
control
differentiated
to
to
depression.
outcome
either
anxiety,
and
When
feels
depression.
the ''self" is at risk,
anxiety
In
unable
both
one
to
anxiety
but the self-esteem
is more at risk with depression.
Seligman's
Depression,
extensive
earlier
Development,
studies
of
book
and
animals
"Helplessness:
Death''
placed
(1975)
in
On
reported
on
positions
of
helplessness, which resulted in apathy and premature
34
death,
same
and
theorized
experiments
A later
same.
Applications"
that
with
book,
(1980)
if
it were
possible
humans
the
"Human
Helplessness:
which
is
a
results
to
do
the
be
the
Theory
and
would
compendium
of
many
experimental research studies on human subjects,
non-
seems to
validate his theory.
Seligman (1975)
ability
to
produces
learn,
found
saps
emotional
that helplessness disrupts
motivation
the
brain,
lowers the
body's immune
disease,
asthma,
initiate
alters
disturbances,
make-up of
to
system and
pneumonia,
acti.on,
the
and causes ulcers and
the
chemical
stress which
contributes to
heart
cancer,
infection,
a
of
malnutrition, etc.
Seligman
(1975)
resulting
from
humans:
among
''hex''
placed
such
had
on
no
died
death
or
prisoners
previous
suddenly
or
mourning,
who
Other
of
or
due
to
of
war
who
deaths
animals
were
and
in
otherwise
loss
anniversary
themselves
given
~<ere
or
a
loved
mourning;
had
been
helpless
over
of
persons
disease,
psychological
of
of
curses
\vhere
illness
apparently
or
but
causes,
one;
acute
sudden
who
1<ho
e.g.,
grief,
loss
of
He feels that death in old age is
helplessness
and the environment.
in
deaths
examples
status or self-esteem.
often
both
of
believed
evidence
threatened
number
people who believed they were doomed,
''voodoo''
people
curses.
on
hopelessness,
relatively healthy;
e.g.,
reported
or
loss
of
control
Seligman states that:
over
self
35
only
Assigning
necessarily
psychological
a
consign
a
phenomenon
is
enough.
real
to
a
not
does
metaphysical
Death from helpless-
or para-psychological status.
ness
cause
its
Understanding
psychological basis may allow us to prevent some of
these
deaths
the lives of
by
building
instrumental
control
those who are vulnerable.
into
(p. 188)
He speculates that early (childhood) experience with
uncontrollable
depression
may
events
(make
one
predispose
vulnerable)
more
person
a
while
to
early
experiences with mastery may immuni.ze one.
Treatment:
Seligman (1975) found that major symptoms of learned
helplessness
parallel
the
symptoms
of
depression.
He
says:
This suggests that
learned
that
helplessness,
valued
central
is
goal
the
has
outcomes
of
patient's
therapy
the
belief
are
uncontrollable.
The
for
depression,
regaining
its
roots
as well as
his
in
belief
therefore,
that
control events important to him.
(p.105)
Garber
that
and
helplessness,
Seli.gman
leads
(1980)
intellectual
stress increases,
which
reactive depression,
to
an
found
achievement
he
can
with learned
is
lessened,
and expectation of success is lessened,
attitude
of
failure-expectancy,
depression, and less motivation to initiate action.
more
36
Hollon and Garber
The
most
(1980) concur,
efficient
point
of
which
stands
depression)
is
than
beginning,
at
the
Specifically,
on
impact
that
those
of
intervention
the
at
beliefs,
rather
presumed causal
chain.
that
rather
or
values,
by
them
Albert
to
be a
Ellis'
behavioral
both
effective therapeutic
combination
Rational
(p.
experiences,
that
and
to
produce
183)
intervention was
Therapy,
ensuring
directly
perceptions,
ought
cognitive
Emotive
treatment
pleasurable
of
most
than
the most rapid and powerful change.
The most
the
(treating
end,
interventions
expectations,
attributions,
proposing that:
found
treatment,
and
i.e.,
enactive,
clients
or
experienced
mastery,
or
success-
producing experiences.
Lederer
(1981,
pp.
56,
57)
describes
"The
Law
of
Expectations'' very clearly:
The
Law
of
The
way
you
expect
it
Expectations
think
to
is
about
turn out)
both
a
will
clear
situation
and
(the
determine how
simple:
way
you
you behave
vis-a-vis that situation.
As
of
the
sociologist
"a
expectations,
psychologically
George
Kelly
the
processes
person's
channelized
defined
by
the
law
are
way
he
event
will
anticipates events.''
turn
If,
for
out
well
certitude
example,
for
and
you,
you
you
optimism.
expect
that
an
probably will
Even
behave with
your
facial
37
expressions,
stature,
and
speech
will
reflect
your
attitude of positive expectation.
Other
people who are
involved
,;ill
perceive
your
that
you
behaving
as
concluded,
and
are
successfully
to
take
others
confidence.
positive
to
reflect
your
willing to cooperate.
you think)
out
the
the
that
It
event
notice
will
be
you appear willing
is
attitude
Therefore
will
natural
and
for
the
therefore
be
(because of the way
the event has a greater chance of turning
way
positive
They
if
risks.
in the situation
you
want
it
expectations,
to.
your
(Because
behavior
you
have
assists
the
if you expect an event to
be a
event to turn out successfully.)
On the other hand,
disaster,
you
behave
may
a\vkwardness,
and neg a ti veness.
if
fail.
you
may
positive risks.
You
Other
will
discomfort,
You are
be
behaving as
reluctant
to
take
people who are involved will
react similarly. Thus your negative expectations may
push
you
the event
think
toward
failure.
influences
which in turn,
your
pushes the
(The pessimistic way
behavior
to
be
negative,
event in the direction of
failure.)
A.
Brain 11
explains
T.
lv.
(1961)
the
Simeons,
provides
damaging
H. D. ,
a
in
''Han's
physiological
influence
of
Presumptuous
theory
negative
which
thinking,
,,
38
although
he
Chanowitz
which
seems
and
leads
leads
to
rage,
than
which
brain
it
is
is
When
danger,
it
flee,
an
It
information.
is
of
what
"powerlessness,''
''helplessness,''
As
which
condensed
and
the
first-developed
part
instinctive
unable
receives.
fight,
rather
outcome
as
depression.
stem
Therefore
of
define
the
it states:
the
it
describing
(1980)
and
apathy
brain
of
be
Langer
to
paraphrased,
The
to
to
only
the
organ.
process
information
reacts
directly
brain
automatically
submit,
working
stem
the
to
receives
stimulates
which
a
the
signal
body
to
or to perform whatever survival
behavior is appropriate.
The
from
the
which
handle
cortex,
take
them,
desirable.
to.
which
developed
censor,
or
signals
conscious.
responds
whether
and
an
the
The
The cortex will
cortex
is
is
the
of
can
are
for
us
to
censor
signal
brain
how
to
dangerous
if we allow it
known
stem,
come
reason,
decide
they
this
the
is
to
danger
part
and
do
brain
unable
receives
what
possible
apparent
authentic danger.
is
stem
cortex
whether
decide
unlike
and
is
signals
incoming
It
cortex
which
brain
later.
the
Using
the
as
being
control
which
or
the
simply
determine
represents
an
39
You may have the
such
persist,
thoughts
message
danger
from
of
thought,
the
stem
the
brain
analyze
the
message.
signals
throughout
increases,
perhaps
shallow,
brain
real,
a
because
pulse
brain
which
The
indicates
signal
the
cortex
failure.''
"I'll probably fail."
may
is
stem reacts
unable
As
your
breathing
your
muscles
a
is
a
as
if
assess
sends
a
the
danger
to
therefore
body.
get
"There
says,
threatening
It
the
stem
becomes
or
danger
result,
your
faster
tense.
If
You
and
exhibit
signs of fear and perhaps hostility and aggression.
Summary:
Lack
of
aversive
control,
events
or
perceived
a
causes
helplessness'' and
hopelessness,
alters
chemistry,
the
system,
brain
of
control,
condition
which
suppresses
"learned
of
leads
to
the
over
depression,
body's
immune
and can cause premature death.
Children
can
by
experiences
with
choice
outcomes,
in
be
immunized
making
depression
of
lack
situations
and/or
allowed
that
sure
mastery,
against
e.g.,
which
to
they
given
are
make
suscepti.bility
have
adequate
appropriate
likely
to
decisions
have
for
to
freedom
positive
actions
in
which they are likely to succeed.
The
for
type
both
learned
combination of
the
client
of
treatment
helplessness
cognitive and
can
which
develop
holds
and
the
most
promise
depression
is
a
enactive/behavior therapy,
so
experiences
of
success
and
40
success-expectations.
POWER AND SELf-ESTEEM
f.
Power
evil.
is
Power
a
force
to
be,
high
self-esteem
high
self-esteem
Power
to
poHers,
that
and
exploit
because
power
po~<ers
and
can
~;hi
ch
foster
and
to
they
be
to
used
love
come
high
from
and
good
be
from
a
and
lo~<
are
or
for
loved,
are
position
self-esteem
manipulate
come
for
in
of
others.
self-esteem
lo~<
perpetuate
self-
esteem.
Rollo May (1972)
oroposed that
there are five
levels
of power present as potentialities in every human being's
(l)
life:
the
power
self-assertion,
The
evil,
be
lived
(2)
be,
(4) aggression,
power
but
to
(3)
self-affirmation,
and
(5)
described
as
to
be
is
is
prior
to
them.
It is not
out
or
neurosis,
psychosis,
violence.
neither
good
It must
neutral.
or
nor
violence
will
result.
Self-affirmation is a need of
self-esteem
need
are
family,
child
the
attention
blocked,
to
it
granted
the
you
other
if
destructive
and selling
a
a
matter
If the
obey
aspects
of
them
lihen
compulsive
life.
you
If
assumes
things.
becomes
2.El:L
as
simply
person all his/her
love
humans.
for
recognition
every being,
us,"
and
is a
significance
and
of
course
and
turns
which
parents'
child
the world.
drives
is
the
pattern is "we
gets
competitiveness
of him/herself and
the
his/her
self-affirmation
need
the
in
-
caught
the
in
buying
iiis/her self-
41
affirmation
them,
is
taken
by
others
to
be
a
diminishing
of
and she/he is diminished in turn by theirs.
Self-assertion
results
when
necessary
is
stronger
self-affi.rmation
than
self-affirmati.on,
1.1eets
resistance
to state what we are and what we
opposition:
"Here I
Aggression
I
am;
develops
over a period of
time
demand
when
it
11
that you notice me!
has
is
believe against
self-assertion
as it
-
and
and
been for
is
blocked
every minority
people.
Violence
\Yhen
erupts
all
efforts
five
kinds
aooression
toward
0~
are ineffective.
i'iay
all
\'i i t h
(1072)
be
present
the
believes
to use
describes
in
the
exception
that
the
of
same
the
goal
for
of
person
these different kinds of
different
Ex p 1 o i tat i. v e
f i rst ,
human
at
which
pov1er
development
power
can
times.
power ,
is
to
he
learn
in ways adequate
to
the given situation:
(1) Exploitative
power
power
to
subject
another
for one's own needs and use.
(2) Manipulative power (3) Competitive power -
The
goal
o£
power
high
power against another.
power!_~
(4) Nutrient power (5) Integrative
power over another person.
power
the other.
with
self-esteem
power
growth and health in self and in others.
self-esteem
power
is
to
invoke
fear
the
in
is
other
to
promote
The goal
others
person.
of
and
low
thus
42
control
the
Overstreet
them.
power !Q.
perversion of
disguised
as
productive
(1951)
strength
strength,
over)
can
attitudes and behaviors,
that
~
power
is
He states that whenever fear
(power
we
says
is
expect
substituted
certain
for
symptomatic
all of which perpetuate low self-
esteem:
(1) The depreciation of uniqueness and individuality.
(2) An incapacity to relax and savor achievement.
(3) A
depreciation
self-renewel:
intimacy
play,
with
the
of
our
social
natural
major
life,
human
privacy
world,
resources
and
of
silence,
conversation
that
is
genuine give-and-take.
(4) The
conversion
understanding
oneself
of
knowledge
and
from
a
means
to
to
a
means
of
the
world
the
nurturing
overcoming others,
(5) The
such as
depreciation
mothering
and
of
teaching
-
by
the
enterprises
public
at
large,
and by many of the individuals engaged in them.
(6) The substitution of philanthropy for compassion.
(7) A readiness for prejudice and persecution.
Control vs.
influence:
Persons
managers,
and
in
and
motivate,
self-esteem
authority,
supervisors,
or
to
people
rule,
don't
such
have
as
the
dominate,
know
parents,
option
and
they
to
teachers,
influence
intimidate.
have
because they are ruling from their own fear.
this
Low
option
43
(1977)
Gordon
coercive
or
punishment,
lose
add,
threats,
and
over
self-esteem)
a
Gordon
effect,
power,
that
the
such
intimi.dation,
group
experience,
influence.
i.n
controlling
influence
knowledge,
says,
members.
use
rewards,
as
causes
a
leader
Conversely,
expertise,
training
of
the
(and
I
to
more
would
leader has,
the more she/he is able to
defines
word
the
"authori.ty"
in
three
different ways:
( 1) Authority-of-i.nfluence
experience,
deri.ved
expertise
from
(Leader
knowledge,
self-
high
esteem).
(2) Authority-by-control
reward
and
punish
(Ruler- low
derived
in
from
order
to
from
power
enforce
to
obedience
self-esteem).
(3) Authori.ty-by-·job-defini.tion,
authority,
the
or
which is
"legitimate"
expectati.ons
of
the
"sanctioned"
authority
roles
that
people
stems
have
been
assigned.
With
high
definition
while
the
coerce,
self-esteem,
will
model,
latter,
motivate,
authority-by-job-
influence,
and
lead,
low self-esteem authority-by-job-definition
intimi.date,
Woman and power
Today,
have
the
our
dependent
power and men:
of
learning
lives
on
and rule.
control,
because
been
having
~
will
changes
in
what
want
we
controlled
others,
from
by
our
soci.ety,
freedom
others,
being
from
from
treated
(women)
as
-
from
bei.ng
so
second-
44
class citizens
aspirations,
politically and
socially,
yet
statement
for
all.
above
It
is
is
true
pp. 1 & 2)
1979,
for
understood
And for many women -
all.
limited
from rigid sex-role stereotypes.
(Adams,
The
from
many
by
some
women,
men,
but
but
not
not
and for many men as well -
by
this
new freedom is frightening and threatening.
Miller
(1976)
addresses
women have held the
the
position of
fact
that
historically,
inequality with men.
The
valued aspects of any society are closely associated with,
and
limited
to,
the
subordinates
(in
this
case
generally less-valued tasks
do
not
wish
to
group 1 s
dominant
women)
domain,
have
been
that the dominant
perform
usually
tasks
while
assigned
groups
which
(men)
involve
providing bodily needs and comforts.
Because
of
slaves
(e.g.,
throughout
indirect
honest
ways
of
the
deprived
having
others.
have
acting
to
to
be
and
do
reacting
often
about
inferior,
protected
as
resorted
devaluing
self-knowledge
been
structure,
America,
often
subordinates
dominants
of
power
colonial
reactions
themselves
of
in
history)
consequence,
than
unequal
and
from
well
to
as
avoiding
the
yet
dominant
their
a
dominants
believe
group
self-understanding
knowing
and
direct,
As
more about
themselves,
women
disguised
treatment.
know
while
subordinates
is
because
impact
on
45
Because
pleasing,
in
the
their
power
basis
has
and manipulating others,
are
1980's
directed
and
strength
is
unaware
of
can
often
be
terrifying,
hidden
inside
and
attachment
to
themselves
as
important
on 1 y
\ie
us.
of
the
husband,
all
Boys
people
have
life
been
deeply
existence and are rewarded
of
themselves,
in
this
of
living,
to
be
As
over"
11
symbiotic
11
people
into
valuing of
to
for
move
part
good wife , "
the
move
to
move
weakness,
often
see
in
the
attached
out
people
of
around
this
state
developing other aspects
been
more
of
encouraged
toward
someone
from
the
creative,
to,"
of
are
and
potential
reflected
they
self-
to
remain
affiliated
ways
than themselves
else
a
"good
good mother , '' etc .
away
more
"power
11
being
\•lomen
dependent on someone "stronger"
a
daughter ,
even
even today
women's
attached
girls have
to
serving,
etc.
of
state
-
impotence
facade
as
whom
encouraged
while
but
the
of
of
others.
to
children,
begin
value
Feelings
dependency,
importance
covert
many women -
the
self-responsible.
ineffectiveness
parents,
been
it
is
idealization
productive,
of
"power
and
authenti.c
some
to accept
difficult
for
from
control
the changes.
For
they
have
women,
made
the
more
freedom
powerful
the
and/or
more
of
someone
important
than
themselves means more demands:
.that
patronage
we
of
grow
up
someone
and
we
stop
choose
hiding
to
behind
think
of
the
as
46
"stronger 11
our
own
some
that
;
teacher's.
true
gets difficult,
a
men
too,
to
11
this
or
change
When
become
it
the only
to
be
of
have
reclai.ming
have
delegated
the
challenge
themselves,
be
able
fully
to
to
Yet
parts
to
of
women,
the
enlarge
parents',
or
we
is
become
where
it
longer get by
daughter,"
etc.
of
similar
for
autonomoust
and
women
reasons.
similarly
not having had
as
men
their
and
face
own
as
and
women
themselves,
their
as
is
they
challenge
experience
both
that
others
weak,
the
the
believe
having control over
vulnerable,
self-
ant!
forces
cooperation,
i.s
of
that
they
men
face
ant!
understanding
real
strengths,
they
will
thei.r
emotional
experience
and
more
real
potential
for
their
on
status
even
knowing
of
ant! acting
discover
in
Many men,
not
powerless,
women.
the
"good
facilitates
alternative
viewed
this
a
authentic,
authenticity
totally
And
on
that
demands
enough,
liberating influence on men.
experience
or
based
p. 14)
surprisingly
responsible,
decisions
husbands',
ourselves.
frightening,
women
our
Freedom
wife,
"good
making
suddenly when we can no
(Dowling, 1981,
For
begin
not
values
authentic,
as
we
autonomy,
self-
responsibility, cooperation, ant! creativity.
Summary:
To
scale,
esteem:
summarize
ranging
this
from
section,
highest
I
~<oult!
self-esteem
propose
to
a
power
lowest
self-
47
(Po~;er
High
-
to be
(
to think, feel, and act
(Fo;;er to love and to be loved
Self-esteem
(
(po~<er
(Po~<er to motivate self and others for
(positive action
for)
(
(Po~<er to intimidate (invoke fear in
(others)
(
(Po~<er
to manipulate (incite anxiety
(in others)
Self-esteem
(
(Po~<er to exoloi t and destroy (self
(and/or othe~s
( i'o\1er against)
.\s
shown
on
the
esteem people are,
They
g r o \.,r t h
and
use
use
first of all,
po;ver
power
constructively,
of
people
other-oriented
power
are
them s e 1 v e s
destructively,
h:i:~h
scale,
self-
self-oriented in positive
s e .l f- e s tee r:J.
self-esteem
·i'hey
foregoing
and
and
and
enhance
the
o tilers •
neontive
in
'"
destroy
L
o \''
\>Jays.
motivation
and
sel£-estee1n in others.
G. i!,UIPULATIOi;,
PASSIV£-AGGR::ISSION,
involves
indirect
or
to
methods
behave
manipulator's
to
in
particularly
induce
someone
certain
a
objective,
A:i0 CizAZ'LiAKING
devious
to
do
something,
The
manner
conscious or
or
unconscious,
is
to get the victim to do something for her/him Hithout
being
honest
about
ivha t
she/he
\-/ants
done,
and
48
taking
~<ithout
~lanipulators
actions.
acting
out
result of
of
~<ith
1975,
p. 93)
and
"Indirect,
un~;itting)
they
Wyden
caring
that
(Phelps
it
seems
involves hostility,
result
is
both
that
the
likely
and
manipulator
to
be
~;hat
Neither
and
or
(p.
may
from
Bach
and
lo~<
manipulators
invariably
leaving one feeling
nor
Smith
as
and neither
fertile
Both
ground
to
and
be~;ildering
~<ith
and
passive-
confusing,
to comprehend,
o~;n
not to be able to
is going on.
(1975)
manipulation
call
passive-
that something is lacking in one's
or in one's ability
~<hat
( 1979)
the
self-esteem.
~<ith
are
either
individuals.
so~<
Encounters
have
Deutsch
manipulation
self-esteem
high
the seeds of
368).
passive-aggression,
passive-aggression make
understand
as
either conscious or unconscious.
manipulation and
self,
Austin,
hostility
aggression is direct and honest communication,
aggressors
end
while passive-aggression always
manipulation
"crazymaking."
emanates
The
reduces intimacy and increases alienation
loving or unloving intent,
With
are
passive-aggression
more destructively than overt dirty fighti.ng"
Thus,
they
is usually painful for
define
camouflaged
covert,
her/his
feelings.
interact.
(1968)
for
believe
ho~<ever,
love,
~<hom
~;hich
often
loving,
their
those
Bach
responsibility
any
describes
the
feelings
primarily" anxious,
that
ignorant,
evolve
or
from
guilty."
49
He believes that these feelings are conditioned or learned
variations of our basic survival emotion of fear;
parents
ideas
and
behave
and
accomplish
beliefs
that
They
variations
of
these
do
and
feelings
this
with
of
subtle,
and
ways
or
by
people
ignorance,
not-so-subtle
"should' s,"
children's
control
others,
teaching us
anxiety,
As adults, we perpetuate
manipulating
by
the
intimidations,
which
etc. ,
training
ourselves
threats,
assertiveness.
by
emotional
about
produce
guilt.
good,"
this
and that
"badnatural
this conditioning
others
to
people
who
satisfactions
of
allowing
manipulate us.
Manipulators
and
passive-aggressors
are
either:
(a)
have
experienced
not
the
direct, honest communication;
(b)
are
afraid
of
assertiveness,
.feeling
threatened
by either their own or another's directness; or
(c)
don't
feel
that
they
have
either in this particular situation,
so
they
resort
to
devious
legitimate
power
or in any situation -
methods
of
controlling
and
communicating.
( 196 7)
Shostrom
manipulator.
that
makes
manipulate
is
Instead,
him
player
whether
(p.4).
with life,
(who)
"Man
that
it is what
troubled
others,
developed"
says
He
or
it
calls
strives
born
a
he learns along the way
sick,
be
not
is
and
just
the
a
the
tendency
little
manipulator
constantly
or
a
a
to
lot,
"poker
to conceal
his
so
hole
card"
(p.
each
of
~<hich
dog.
us
11
Top-dog
energetic,
is
5).
he
is
submissive.
actualizing
and
and
feelings
find
that
that
and
in
it
each
of
it
The
is
sides
the
that
or
in
"underis
more
under-dog
compliant
these
manipulative
targets
( 1975)
compassionate
ahead
manipulated and
ideal
Austin
overly
for
"top-dog"
side
t~<o
the
authoritative.
in
a
of
sides
and
can
be
creative,
a
~<ay.
Phelps
guilty
the
and
either
speaks
active
believes
danipulators
"llecause
the
side
He
in
expressed
,;hat
calls
commanding,
passive
the
Shostrom
of
exploited,
thinking
of
call
1;omen
thei.r
and
their
in
the
o,;n
are
Compassion
place
o1;n,
can
1;omen 1;ho
others'
they
easily
feelings
and
Trap.
Hi shes
are
be made
in
easily
to
feel
needs"
(p.
9 7) •
Whether the means of
is
manipulative
or
controlling and/or coinmunicating
passive-aggressive,
at best confusion on the part of
real crazymaking -
psychosis.
the
en<i
the victim,
result
is
and at Horst,
An additional direct effect
is loH self-esteem for the victim.
Ho\.J
manipulation,
passive-aggression,
and
crazymaking
are
accomplished:
Shostrom
(1967)
describes
four
basic
types
of
attempt
to
manipulations or "games":
(l) The
active manipulators
control others by active methods.
(top-dogs) ,;ho
They avoid facing
o,;n ,;eaknesses by assuming the role of the
po~<erful
their
one in
51
a
relationship,
capitalizing
on
others'
of
feelings
powerlessness to gain control over them.
( 2)
passive
The
reverse
of
the
control
life,
control
them.
manipulators
active.
that
They
they
They
will
feign
(under-dogs)
decide,
give
since
up and
helplessness
they
allow
and
the
cannot
others
stupidity
to
and
win by losing.
(3)
The
competitive
constant game
manipulators
of winning and losing
be the vigilant fighters.
To them,
all
or
others are
They
competitors
alternate
between
life
in which they
life
enemies,
top-dog
see
and
is a
as
a
have
to
battle,
real or
under-dog
and
potential.
methods
and
so may be seen as somewhat of a mixture between the active
and passive manipulator.
(4)
The
indifferent
to,
and
Their
another.
treat
indifferent
the
other
withdrawing
stock
as
if
lost the capacity for
both
active
Bitch,
still
or
and
Martyr,
care
and
manipulators
phrase
they
have
is
were
don 1 t
dead
-
change.
sometimes
Helpless.
not
their
"I
growth and
passive,
or
from,
a
up,
care."
puppet
with
They
who
has
The methods are
secret
or
hopeless,
contact
playing
The
given
play
the
is
they
Nagger,
that
they
would
not
continue to play the manipulative game.
Shostrom
(1967)
points
out
that
the
manipulator
always regards her/himself and others as objects:
The
basic philosophy
maintain
control
at
of
the
all
active manipulator is
costs;
of
the
to
passive
52
manipulator,
never
manipulator,
to
to
offend;
win
at
the
costs;
can never be himself,
relax
his
because
requires
that
he
himself.
(p.
20)
crazymaking
as
system
al~;ays
messages
one
opposite,
message
the
use
message
is
competitive
and
to deny cari.ng.
the manipulator
a
double
spoken,
non-spoken,
maneuvers
rather
than
be
principal aspect
message,"',
and
the
Obviously,
and
role
describe the
of
of
nor can he ever
games
of
play
Bach and Deutsch (1979)
of
all
manipulator,
indifferent
of
the
other,
inferred,
or
"mi. xed 11
or
directly
conveyed
in
aspect
of
body language or actions.
(1975)
Smith
manipulation
is
believes
the
use
of
boy/girl ~;hen
you
and you are a
bad boy/girl
inconsiderate,
these
tapes
manipulate us,
Phelps
used
by
disguised
The
ans~;er,
One
II
or
responsibility
argument.
asking
is
you
and
you
You
should
(disobey,
~<e
thus
are
a
do,
good
etc.),
are naughty,
continually
allo\ving
carry
others
to
(1975) speak of several techniques
Austi.n
statements
but
11
and us to manipulate others.
especially
person
~<hen
heads,
manipulators.
questions,
evades
and
important
~;hat
do
etc.),"
our
an
judgments:
(obey me,
lazy,
in
that
the
really
\Vhy
is
II
the
manipulative
q U8 S t iOnS
accusations.
for
the
"~;hy"
trying
that
A
statement
question
to corner
"~;hy
or
are
11
of
really
question
accusation.
already
you or
use
kno1;s
to
the
start an
53
Another
(1975)
technique
is the use of
described
by
manipulator
to
and
Austin
particular phrases that actually mean
the opposite of what they sound the
Phelps
avoid
again,
taking
designed to allow
responsibility,
e.g.,
"I
can't" meaning "I won't;" "I'll try" meaning "I won't;" "I
should"
meaning
meaning
''I
"I
don't
really
do
want
know
to;"
but
I
or
"I
don't
don't
want
know,"
to
take
responsibility.''
A third
mentioned
manipulative
is
"word
identify your
try
to
get
sensitive
"weight"
your
loading."
to
you
by
your
button by
about
calling
your
"intelli<>ence"
0
and
Austin
manipulator
is
( 1975)
able
to
or your ''buttons," and will
pushing
weight,
Phelps
The
vulnerabilities,
about
sensitive
tactic
your
a
button.
manipulator
you
a
"fat
can
slob."
intellect,
the
button
calling
by
If
you
push
If
manipulator
are
your
you are
can
push
"ignorant,"
you
"brainy," etc.
(1967)
Shostrom
feelings
-
their
their anger
hate
basic
in
own
they
suffering,''
as
they
how
and others'
to intimidate and
others;
confidence
describes
are
to
create
display
to
-
hurt,
instill
manipulators
control.
fear
or
guilt;
"conning"
you;
and
the
use
They
/or
instill
"technique
trust
love,
use
to
of
create
which
makes
a
other
the other person feel guilty and obligated.
Taubman
manipulative
(1976)
ploys
discusses
that
the
involve
above,
emotions:
and
few
Guilt,
anger,
54
criticism,
obligati.on,
helplessness,
teasing,
Counteracting
aggression,
both
and
Bach
manipulation
the victims,
to
and questions.
neutralizing
(1976)
manipulation and
is to
manipulation,
and
and
Deutsch
passive-
impact
assertiveness
in
out
of
cycle.
out
counter-
the part of
The alternative
such relationship styles -
them
yourself
point
foster
counter-passive-aggression on
which perpetuates the
the
(1979)
crazymaking
counteract and neutralize
take
inadequacy,
and crazymaking:
Smith
that
and
insecurity,
and
and
in
make
a
others,
demand
rather
for
than
indirect attempts to control.
The
first
happening.
step,
The
vaguely
feels
without
stupid,
are
happening.
next
step
manipulate
are
is
to
your
or
1975,
Austin
to
it's
be
you
p.
the
or
is
victim
confused,
(1976)
says
when
they
easy.
You
feel
141).
people
feel
aware
behavior
vrhat
recognize
certain
make
consciously
(Smith,
and
hard
that
that
Taubman
and used" (p.
frequently
emotions
be
anxious,
l<hy.
Afterward,
recognizing
it to happen"
Phelps
exactly
exploited,
or
recognizing
guilty,
"mani.pulations.
consistently
is
clues seem to
that
After
course,
cues and
understanding
uncomfortable,
of
this
that
if
you
"no
do
seem
to
way,
the
one
can
not
allow
26).
(1975)
outline
some
techniques to deal with specific manipulations:
specific
55
( l)
An
effective
reply
to
"~<hy"
the
question
or
deceptive question i s "\1 h y do you ask? 11
best
~<ho
For the manipulator
(2)
protection
"buttons" are,
is
to
be
pushes your
able
to
buttons,
identify
what
the
your
and practice "deactivating your buttons" by
learning not to react,
so that the manipulator can't catch
you off balance.
Another
(3)
technique
passive-aggression
you
~<hat
Sti 11
between
honest
to
neutralize
respond
to
manipulation
what
is
said,
or
not
to
to
be
is meant.
kno~<
( 4)
is
to
technique
another
the
lines"
and
about
what
she/he
involves
the
getting
really
manipulator
wants,
11
by
parroting,
11
11
''summarizing," and Hreflecting.
Both Smith (1975) and Bach and Deutsch (lY79)
believe
that it is important to first of all understand what one's
human ri3hts are.
For Bach and Deutsch these rigl1ts are:
The right to
or
right
to
kno~<,
feel
all
have assurance
difference
some
it;
our
the
feelings;
that we exi.st
to the
110
the right to space For
judge
our
take
the
Smith
o~<n
consequences
right
(1975)
right
and that our
to
impact
the
to
existence makes
the
people in
to a territory of one's own.
these
responsibility
or excuses for
the
r 1 d and to some of
behavior,
upon
to clear i.nformation;
ourself;
rights
thoughts,
for
the
are:
and
their
right
to
justifying our behavior;
The
emotions,
right
to
and
to
initiation
offer
no
and
reasons
the right to judge
56
if
we
are
people's
responsible
proble:ns;
right
to
r.lake
r:i ght
to
say
of
the
right
say
''I
care.
''I
be
1
don
of
and
to
be
know'';
t
others
illogical
don't
finding
right
ti1e
mistakes-
goodwill
to
for
responsible
the
right
making
understand'';
and
be
right
to
the
ti1em;
the
independent
with
deci.si ens;
other
rninds;
for
to
coping
the
to
our
cl1ange
before
in
solutions
them;
the
the
right
say
;'I
to
don 1 t
11
Bach and Deutsch (1979) advise us to "use our keys of
sanity
to
sanity 0
the
lock
of
crazymnking.
Those
;r
"keys of
are:
(1)
Be alert -
(2)
Be
people
are
change;
people
total
turn
aware
denied
when
feel
stop,
of
an
people
that
rejcection;
look,
crazyr.1aking
thG
open
expression
fceel
open
listen, and feel.
a
sense
demands
for
Hhen people do
as the agent of change;
and
of
of
11hen
conditions:
their
Hishes
poHerlessness;
chanf.;e
not Hant
to
may
for
whcen
result
in
be identified
when crazymaki.ng has become a
continuum - a part of the style of the relationship.
(3)
Don't react blindly to the sting of crazymaking.
(4)
Respect others'
(5)
\·/hen
in
richts to sanity.
doubt,
ask
for
the
clear
information
that you want.
(6)
In
asking
for
yourself to matters that are
(7)
feelings,
To
obtain
clear
share your o11n.
clear
opa11
information,
confine
and immediate.
information
about
another's
57
(B)
Check out your
assumptions -
don't
behave as
if
they were true.
Sumuary:
passive-aggression,
:·ianipulation,
seem to
be
facets
of
the
same
and
problem
crazymaking
indi.rect
efforts
to communicate with and/or control other people.
All
which
from
t!1ree
comes
low
esteem
They
honesty,
from
a
stem
basis
self-esteem.
in
ignorant,
styles
others
by
anxious,
of
All
making
a
fear
feeling
three
them
o£
poHer1essness,
styles
feel
directness,
diminish
guilty,
and
self-
stupj d
or
confused or crazy.
be
can
from
directness,
neutralized
and
and
assertivenes:3,
de-activated
and
b·f
a
with
demand
for honesty and directness from ottters.
li.
ASS~RTIVE~ESS
In
this
A~D
S~LF-~STEE1t
section
I
will
discuss
Assertiveness
a
self-esteem enhancing alternative to:
(a)
the use of power and control over others;
(b)
manipula ti.on,
passive-aggression,
and
crazymaking; and
(c)
submission
or
non-assertiveness,
i.e.,
being
victim of either (a) or (b) above.
Fensterheim and Baer (1975) propose a basic equation:
a
58
"Assertion
serves
Self-esteem"
=
~
concept.
John
Legislature,
about
Vasconcellos,
in
his
Alberti and Emmons,
concept
structures
(or
and
repression
education,
and
1970,
to
says
better,
assertiveness,
member
Fore1;ard
of
"Your
"~<hen
I
authority
come
and
the
self-
California
Perfect
Right,"
by
radically change my
self-esteem),
relationships
The
25).
be your self-esteem" ( p.
In 1;riting
vii).
self
do
the
self
your
..Y.Q..!!.
stand up for yourself and act in a manner you respect,
esteem,
for
"\1hat
you
~;ill
basis
saying
more
higher
the
25),
(p.
built
then
upon
sharply
all
social
self-denial,
into
question"
(p.
He elaborates:
Schools
should
be
~;here
places
human
beings
encouraged to be open and express themselves than
~;here
places
about
themselves,
pursue studies
they
to
are
take
~<ithout
conditioned
to
orders
fit
and
questioning,
and to
are
rather
feel
bad
in,
to
perpetuate
the old system and its stereotypes.
Education ought to be a
right
not
of
to
a
child
be
not
afraid
to
to
• Education
~;ants.
be
process that affirms the
ashamed
declare
ought
of
his/her
to
him/her
o1m
self,
needs
reaffirm and
and
respect
the 1;hole child.
Learning
living,
much
for
more
human too.
be
to
being
human
(p. ix)
assertive
human,
~;ays,
and
for
for
i.s
becoming
making
education
for
ourselves
society
in
more
59
In
an
on self
(as
between
were
effects
between
indicated
female
correlation
groups
and
Alberti
to
and
the
substantial
positive
Research
increases
significant
has
shown
that
relationships.
for
yourself
can
reduce
situations,
or
in
Developing
and
do
and
a
the
on
your
strong
anxiety
that
in
the
training
and
in anxiety
self-
relative
p.2) state:
to
make
or
anxiety
interpersonal
ability
your
assertive
the
weaken
anxiety
increase
and
specifi.c
things
appreciably
and
assertiveness
learni.ng
experienced
relationship
indicated
decreases
p.
Pre-test
assertiveness
in
inhibit
responses
previously
anxiety.
self-acceptance,
receiving
[ 1978,
relationships
and
and
training
of General
Emmons
test
Alberti and Emmons (1978,
to controls.
person.
the Archives
Post-testing
significant
acceptance,
assertive
bet1;een assertiveness
subjects.
experimental
of
self-esteem,
a
assertiveness
negative
by
from
conducted
assertiveness,
findings
the
"the
reported
studies
showed
on
concept and anxiety"
Psychiatry
161])
article
to
own
stand
initiative,
tenseness
sense
of
up
in
1;orth
key
as
a
This same sense of worth is often lacking in
person
who
uses
aggressiveness
to
mask
self-
doubts and guilt.
Definitions:
Alberti
fi.ve
and
Emmons
dimensions:
( 1978)
believe
that
Behavior
which
enables
assertiveness
a
person
( 1)
has
to
60
act
in
her/his
her/himself
feelings
own
without
best
interests,
undue
anxiety,
comfortably,
to
(4)
to
(2)
(3)
exercise
to
stand
up
express
personal
for
honest
rights
(5)
to do all the above without denying the rights of others.
Adams (1979) states that:
Assertive
want,
behavior
means
knowing
what
making this clear to others,
directed
way
to
get
your
you
need
and
working in a self-
needs
met
while
showing
respect for others.
You will know you
experience
feeli.ngs
satisfaction,
when
more
Also,
you,
of
11
aggressive.
mentions
"hostile
your
will
and some
satisfying.
often
when you
increased
self-confidence;
needs
respond
are
more
and
being
met.
positively
relationships will
become
to
more
24)
(p.
11
aggression,
"assertive 11
interchange
word
and
anxiety and
and
George Bach (1968,
the
aggression,"
reduced
important
of your
often
11
of
behaving assertively
self-esteem,
others
People
are
11
asserti.,.re,
"passive
"creative
1970,
11
1974,
but
1979)
rather
aggression,"
aggression,
11
the
with
seldom
speaks
of
"constructive
latter
being
also a book title which he subtitled "The Art of Assertive
Living"
(1974).
So
for
Bach
and
his co-authors,
assertion
is synonymous with constructive or creative aggression.
For other authors and assertive training experts,
three
primary
Assertiveness,
categories
and
are
Aggressiveness.
Assertiveness,
People
who
are
the
Nonnot
61
about
knowledgable
ramifications
methods
assertive
of assertiveness,
all
and
the
often interpret aggressive
behavior as "assertiveness".
In
describing
Coburn,
"The
Nature
of
Assertiveness,"
Bloom,
and Pearlman (1975) state that:
Assertive
mean"
behavior
between
is,
of
to
be
directly.
The
dominate,
to
The
intent
conflict
When
we are
are
don't
to
intent
of
get
we
at
one
11
to
your way
at
the
non-assertive
which
The
are
honestly
expense
of
is
to
those
is
and
to
others.
to
means
is
intent
behavior
usually
and
Assertive 11
behavior
wishes
"golden
extreme,
communicate
aggressive
your
the
avoid
that
you
of
others.
insensitive to
others'
and we express ourselves in ways that demean,
or coerce them.
tell
others
it,
"aggressive."
aggressive we
natural
get
When
is
subordinate
humiliate,
we
see
other.
with
altogether,
to
the
behavior
of
have
rights,
at
confused
assertive
we
aggressiveness,
non-assertiveness,
never
as
victims for
others
what
we
choose
are
what
want
for
we
When we are non-assertive
the aggressor.
want
through
us
assertive
and
we
and
think,
devious
infringe
make
He either
or
means.
on
choices
our
for
without harming or being harmed by others.
we
try
\ve
let
rights.
ourselves
(p.
16)
Assertive methods of communicating;
The
person
pr i.mary
(living
an
prerequisite
assertive
for
being
li.festyle)
is
an
to
assertive
know
one's
62
self
to
needs,
be
aHare
,.,ants,
of
your
abilities,
feelings,
limitations,
beliefs,
values,
thoughts,
goals,
etc,
(the power to be).
The
care
second
about
prerequisite
yourself
and
is
the
about
ability
others
and
(the
desire
power
to
to
love
and to be loved),
Thirdly,
express
needs
it
yourself
met
is
necessary
in ways
and
that
least
to
are
likely
have
most
to
the
likely
hurt
skills
to
get
others
to
your
either
physically or psychologically.
For
have
some,
been
all
raised
of
in
D.
assertiveness.
backgrounds
of
reported
Alberti
"a
in
sense
capacity
of
for
this
an
1'lummery,
assertive
security
naturally
environment
V.
and
comes
and
in
researching
1978,
p.
adequacy
assertiveness
and
the
they
self-esteem
non-assertive
Emmons,
and
of
because
and
family
children
162)
found
underlies
ability
(as
that
both
to
the
determine
methods of assertiveness whi.ch show concern for others,"
Other
people,
environment,
competent
learning
who
can
have
learn
using
been
owning
because
and
has
found
assertive
responsibility
states that:
for
one's
and
feelings,
such
self
feelings.
an
through
that
by
skills
it
needs,
techniques
one's
own
been
techniques
assertive
expressing
in
skills
necessitates getting in touch with
etc. ,
raised
assertive
It
training.
and
not
wants
require
and
taking
Adams
(1979)
63
The
to
most
others
touch
important
is
that
wi. th
it
of
disclosing
enables
you
yourself
opinions,
your
something
aloud
experience
benefit
of
to
your
The
ideas.
transforms
(p.
in
close
needs,
act
it.
self-disclosure
know yourself intimately.
keep
yourself
your
of
saying
Through
to
others
you
the
get
to
environment
of
25)
Summary:
Persons
who
have
security and adequacy
been
exposed
behavior,
to
esteem themselves.
of
reared
in
an
(high self-esteem environment),
assertive
and are
self-esteem
been
communication
naturally assertive
and
and
have
assertive
have high
self-
These people are likely to enhance the
other
people
with
whom
they
come
into
contact.
People
be
raised
non-assertive,
manipulative.
assert
By
themselves
techniques
in
environments
aggressive,
learning
verbally,
and skills,
these
to
of
lo~<
self-esteem may
passive-aggressive,
behave
i.e.,
people
by
can
assertively
learning
enhance
or
and
to
assertive
their
own
self-esteem and the self-esteem of others in their lives.
64
I. DRUGS, ALCOHOL, AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM
In
and
this section
abuse
of
I
will discuss
licit
(including alcohol)
and
how
illicit
relate
the
use,
misuse,
drugs
mood-altering
to low self-esteem in the
user
and in the user's family,
Def ini ti.ons:
Licit
drugs
are
those
prescribed
by
physicians
chemicals,
and
substances
and alcohol.
chemicals,
permitted
and
substances
law,
are
caffeine,
legal
which
are
or
used,
lack
of
knowledge
user
as
to
side
and
sometimes
effects,
adverse
on
drugs,
drugs,
misused,
or
Licit drugs are
innocently,
understanding
drugs
nicotine,
illegal
abused in an improper or unlawful manner.
often misused or abused,
i.e.,
over-the-counter
including
Illicit drugs
and
by
the
due to
part
reactions,
of
the
the
interactions
with other medicines, etc.
Why people
~
There
is,
mood-altering
drugs:
perhaps,
drugs:
to
National
Institute
"psychic
dependence,"
satisfaction and a
only
on
make
Drug
psychic drive
or to avoid discomfort.
powerful
of
all
physical addiction)" (p. 24).
one
for
feel
(1979)
"There
that
the drug
Indeed,
the
reason
Abuse
states:
continuous administration of
most
one
is
the
use
better.
in
a
of
The
describing
feeling
of
require periodic or
to
produce pleasure
this mental state is the
factors
involved
(including
65
A
person
who
feels
optimally
physically and psychologically,
use
a
substance
discomfort.
deterrant
I
or
chemical
believe
to
the
substances.
Sidney Cohen
to
a
low
identity
estimate
could
of
be
feel
abuse
(1981)
says
their
better
of
or
both
to
strong
who
become
low self-esteem
worth.
If
feelings
avoid
mood-altering
"people
to have a
own
enhanced,
good,
self-esteem is a
and
overinvolved in drugs are found
and
and
does not have the need to
that high
misuse
well
of
their
self-
worthlessness
might be reduced'' (p. 285).
Clinebell (1968) speaks of ten psychological problems
and attributes typical of alcoholics,
repeatedly
in
reports
alcoholism.
One
Others
a
are:
high
relationships;
authority;
feelings
of
these
of
is
immaturity;
isolation,
in
tolerance;
elaborates
of
interpersonal
ambivalence
perfectionism,
Clinebell
studies
low self-esteem.
anxiety
frustration
low
compulsiveness.
psychological
conditions
level
emotional
of
of
which are mentioned
on
toward
grandiosity;
guilt,
each
of
and
these
conditions or qualities, pointing out that all are related
in some way to (1) immaturity,
low self-esteem.
(2)
self-punishment, or (3)
Clinebell says:
The grandiosity of the alcoholic is a defense against
his
own
real
alcoholic's
feelings
outwardly
of
low
self-enamored
mask for his shaky self-regard.
low
self-esteem
the
self-esteem.
alcoholic
behavior
The
is
a
Because of his
is
hypersensitive
to
66
criticism and will often misinterpret the behavior of
others
as
rejection.
Low
self-esteem gives
rise
to
anxiety in interpersonal relationships. (p. 55)
Perhaps
the
all
characteristics
of
immature
alcoholics
as
abusers - either contribute to,
and
self-punishing
well
as
other
drug
or emanate from, low self-
esteem, or both.
There are many cases of completely innocent misuse of
prescribed
people
medications
who
seek
CJ.uick
which
and
lead
easy
to
drug
relief
psychological pain and discomfort,
dependence
from
rather
physical
than
of
anti-depressants
or
anti-anxiety
or
long-range
treatment to overcome the underlying problems.
use
in
While
agents
the
on
a
temporary basis may sometimes be deemed necessary, lack of
communication
and/or
understanding
patient
often
leads
needed,
for
longer
Gordon
a
relates
her
the
time
own
prescribed medications
patient
in
than
to
is
personal
her
between
use
more
necessary.
experiences
moving
doctor
than
and
is
Barbara
with
such
autobiography,
"I 1 m
Dancing as Fast as I Can" (1979).
"Uppers," Downers," and "Outers":
"Outers" is a word of my own invention for the drugs
which take one out-of-this-world into a supposedly higher
plane
of
insight
and
pleasure,
e. g.,
LSD
and
marijuana.
The 1970 Interim Report of Canada's Commission of Inctuiry
into the Non-Medical Use of Drugs states that:
67
In
case
the
points
of
which
following:
cannabis
(marijuana),
claimed
are
it is a relaxant;
increases
self-confidence
for
the
it
positive
include
the
it is disinhibiting;
it
and
of
the
feeling
creativity (whether justified by objective results or
it
not);
increases
appreciation;
one
a
it
facilitates
greater
facilitates
sensual
sense
of
the
acceptance,
concentration and
gives
over
time;
it
self-acceptance and in this way makes it
" (p. 156).
it would seem that
feeling
and
control
easier to accept others;
Thus,
awareness
of
creativity,
if one has
awareness,
self-confidence,
control,
and
self-
then one has high self-esteem, and no need for
"outer" drugs.
"Uppers"
nicotine,
some
the
are
anti-depressants,
prescribed,
some
same purpose -
depressions
counseling
"uppers"
stimulating
or
self-prescribed,
were
psychology,
would
not
be
such
amphetamines,
to lift the
themselves
drugs,
but
as
caffeine,
and
cocaine,
all
used
spirits and mood.
to
be
long-term
necessary.
dealt
with
dependence
The
paradox
for
If the
through
on
such
is
that
while such artificial mood-elevators do indeed bring one's
spirits "up",
create
discontinuance of their use tends to either
anxiety,
or
when they were first
dependence.
to
bring
used,
one
"down"
even
thus creating a
lower
than
strong psychic
68
In
(1982)
discussing
state
critical,
anti-depressants,
that
''Depressed
self-deprecating,
of extreme helplessness.
from
personal
Silverman
people
tend
brooding;
they
and
Simon
be
self-
to
have a
Loss of self-esteem,
relationships,
and
feeling
withdrawal
inhibition
of
normal
aggressive activity may result." (p. 574)
So
it seems
some kind of
esteem.
that
people who
stimulating
And
people
drug,
with
are
are
low
depressed,
and
people with low
self-esteem
need
self-
tend
to
be
depressed and to use drugs to relieve the depression.
"Downers"
are
depressive
anxiety and tension.
people
taken
to
relieve
They include tranquilizers, sleeping
Cohen (1981) says:
pills, and alcohol.
When
drugs,
are
asked
response is "Because I
why
feel
they
drink,
better,
I
a
feel
common
relaxed."
. One can visualize that the definite relief from
frustration
and
anxiety,
which
is
often
modest amounts of alcoholic beverages,
its
excessive
Feelings
use
of
depression,
and
in
guilt,
chronically
shame,
loneliness
noted
from
could lead to
distraught
poor
people.
self-esteem,
are
soluble
in
and
depression
ethanol.
(p. 191)
Just
alcoholism,
as
low
self-esteem
conversely,
alcoholism
leads
to
lead
low
to
self-
esteem and depression, e.g.:
Despite great individual differences,
alcoholics
experience
remorse,
practically all
guilt,
shame,
and
69
self-hatred.
Their
self-esteem
alienation
are
of hopelessness,
Depression
common.
futility,
very
Feelings of
often is shattered entirely.
and
sinks
low,
and
loneliness
and
feelings
and a sense of meaningless
in their lives are characteristic of alcoholics.
depression
is,
of
course,
only
augmented
by
The
alcohol
(Royce, 1981, p. 92).
Some people misuse or abuse tranquilizers in the same
way and
the
for
the same reasons, with Valium currently being
most-abused
tranquilizer
by
both
physicians
and
About Valium, Cohen (1981) says:
patients.
Valium
suffers
from
generally effective
success.
that
It
physicians
safe
and
prescribe it
for
is
so
lesser indications without adequate supervision.
example,
mild
tension
appropriate
or
anxiety is not an indication for
The
patient
should
unpleasant
learn
states
how
by
any
to
For
situational
psychochemical.
deal
with
such
appropriate
learning
psychological maneuvers (p. 133).
What Royce (1981) says about drinking and self-esteem
can
undoubtedly
be
said
also
for
other
drugs
and
self-
esteem, in this drug-oriented society:
One
of
make
the
big
their
own
letting
lack a
the
reasons
choices
crowd
sway
why
about
their
sense of self-worth.
that they are
people
somebody who
find
drinking
behavior
is
it
hard
to
instead
of
that
they
If they have confidence
deserves respect,
who can
70
live their own lives and not worry about what others
think,
they
can
say,
"No
thank
you"
with
poise
self-assurance.
We have to like ourselves.
to
are
know
there
that
is
we
nobody
each
in
a
the
whole
others do or think becomes
too much
for
We have
individual,
world
quite
Children need to be taught that.
ourself.
is
unique
the
norm,
that
like
Then what
less important.
you becomes
and
Whatever
regardless
of
others.
Secondly,
enhancing
one's
sense
of
self-esteem
removes a reason for excessive drinking.
Some people
develop alcoholism by using alcohol to compensate for
poor feelings about themselves.
(p. 193)
Alcoholism and the family:
"Not every
alcoholic
family
family
in stress
is
in
is
alcoholic,
stress
but
severe
every
stress"
(Wegscheider, 1981, p. 55).
Considerable
relating
to
research has
families
of
been
done
alcoholics,
in
and
recent
how
years
alcoholism
affects spouse, children, the family system generally.
Whereas,
in
the
past,
it
was
believed
"personal
maladjustment was seen as the cause of being married to an
alcoholic,"
because
(Royce,.
their
of
encouraged
their
1981,
own
husband's
p.
120)
and
unconscious,
alcoholism,
that
some
neurotic
this
theory
women,
needs,
of
a
predisposing personality has largely given way to the view
that
living
with
an
alcoholic
generates
instability,
71
indecisiveness,
of
other
guilt
feelings,
reactions
in
an
hopelessness,
otherwise
and
normal
a
host
personality
(Paolino, 1977).
It has been found that families of alc6holics tend to
deny
the
existence
of
the
disease,
extent of its effects in the family
is
so
obvious
Alanon's
no
''Alcoholism
in addition
"rescuer,"
in
is
the
often
a
''helping
or
counselor
alcohol
and
alcoholism,
alcoholic,
do
usually
be
minimize
the
1981) until it
denied
or
minimized.
Merry-Go-Round
and
Named
"enabler,"
relative,
sometimes
professions''
and
they
up
spouse
or
The
have
who
clergy,
little
repeatedly
character
for
the
is
the
or
parent
all
the
or
they
the
who
trouble
the
will
"victim"
employee -
alcoholic.
"adjuster''
of
rescue
insist
is
doctor,
knowledge
continually
business partner,
covers
despite
friend
Another
character
the
alcoholic.
who
though
the employer,
principal
together
even
so again.
protects
usually
(Royce,
A
to the
lawyer,
never
longer
to
(1969) describes a play enacted by three principal
characters,
people
can
pamphlet
Denial''
or
it
or
The
or
third
"provoker"
holds
caused
who
the
by
family
drinking.
These three characters together protect the alcoholic from
the
consequences
of
drinking
and
permit
continue drinking as a way to solve her/his
him/her
to
problems.
As
the dependency is increased, everyone around the alcoholic
suffers,
while
responsibility
the
for
alcoholic
her/his
own
is
allowed
actions.
The
to
avoid
play
is
72
repeated
new
over and
roles
and
over until
begin
these
acting
three characters
in
an
entirely
learn
different
fashion.
Perhaps
those
alcoholics,
other
who
people
themselves
-
suffer
who
grow
up
especially
they
become
own identities.
most
feeling
children
isolated,
authority
"people
are
uneasy
figures.
pleasers"
To
and
of
with
protect
lose
their
As self-described in literature from Adult
Children of Alcoholics (anAl-Anon off-shoot):
We
lived
Having
life
an
to
ourselves.
We
up
others.
be
standpoint
the
over-developed
preferred
stood
from
sense
concerned
somehow
for
ourselves
Thus,
we became
of
with
got
responsibility,
others
guilt
rather
victims.
of
rather
feelings
than
we
than
when
we
in
to
giving
reactors rather than actors,
letting others take the initiative.
We
were
dependent
personalities
-
willing
to
do
relationship
in
order
abandonment
on
to
a
Yet
emotionally.
because
relationships
we
almost
kept
they
terrified
anything
not
to
to
of
hold
be
abandoned
choosing
insecure
matched
our
childhood
relationship with alcoholic parents.
We learned
love and
to stuff our feelings.
pity,
tending to
love
. This is a description,
A.C.A.
those we
We
confused
could
not an indictment.
literature titled ''The Problem'').
rescue
(from
73
Wegscheider
children
of
(1981)
describes several
alcoholics.
If
the
roles
family
is
played
not
treated,
through competent counseling, and/or through A.A.,
and
Ala-Teen,
adulthood.
who
is
an
having
roles
overachiever,
of
family,
who
is hurt,
possibly
self-destructive
Child,"
to
is
positive
and
in
negative
socially
isolated
with
the
hyperactive
one,
paying
their
"Hero,"
but
"Scapegoat,"
the
addiction
or
attention;
and
other
"Lost
escapes
feeling
and "Mascot,'' who acts out of fear,
the
into
who becomes the delinquent
indulging
solitariness and shyness,
Al-Anon
attention
guilt;
for
acts
extend
describes are:
receiving
inadequacy
primary feeling
the
tend
The roles Wegscheider
feelings
whose
of
these
by
of
into
loneliness;
who is the "clown,'' or
price
with
immaturity
or
emotional illness.
In the alcoholic family we see the continuum of selfesteem
constantly
spiraling
low
self-esteem
cycle
continues
help
they
until
need
as
low
self-esteem
and alcoholism continually reinforces
leads to alcoholism,
the
downward,
to
of
every
all
family
members
rebuild
Anonymous,
Al-Anon,
Ala-Teen,
Alcoholics
can
accomplish
help
competent counseling.
member.
of
the
family
self-esteem.
and
Adult
this,
And
with
get
this
the
Alcoholics
Children
or
of
without
74
Summary and conclusions:
Persons with low self-esteem
tend
to
depend
upon
alcohol
and other drugs more than do those with high self-esteem.
Conversely,
wreaks
havoc
dependent,
-
alcohol
the
self-esteem
on
other
drug
and
individual
h
on
and
Alcoholism
on
aependence
and/or
of
the
family
dependency
other
person
members
are
not
who
diseases
of
the
they are family diseases.
STRESS, DISTRESS, HEALTH AND SELF-ESTEEM
nonspecific
~
is
well.
as
as "the
Stress has been defined by Hans Selye (1974)
't"
drugs
( p.
response
of
the
body
Nonspecific
14) •
to
demand made
any
response
means
the
upon
body's
adaptation to a situation -
either pleasant or unpleasant.
Stressors are what
stress.
produce
Distress
is harmful,
avoided,
as
unpleasant stress.
Stress
is
freedom
from
harmful
stress
experiments
not
stress
can
showed
something
to
is
death.
be
damaging
that
be
Conversely,
to
exposure
an
complete
excess
of
the
body.
Selye's
to
stress
can
be
beneficial, harmful, or indifferent.
With
regard
to
human
"In interpersonal stress,
to
be)
his
own
philosophy
of
person
the
has
doctor,
conduct"
capacity
relations,
anyone
with
(p.
to
can
Selye
be
of
(1974)
states
(and usually
the
help
a
sound
67).
He
choose
attitudes and
believes
has
natural
that
each
feelings
which can lead to either negative or positive stress,
and
75
it
is
to
one's
benefit
to
choose
positive
attitudes
and
feelings which create pleasant stress.
Positive
feelings
sense
broadest
appreciation.
ultimate
aim
described
gratitude,
Love
in
life itself -
are
in
this
life
the
as
"love"
respect,
general
sense
maintenance
in
its
trust,
and
can become
the
and
enjoyment
of
pure positive stress.
People of high self-esteem, who love themselves,
find
it easier to love others.
Negative feelings
hostility,
jealousy,
include hatred,
and
the
urge
every drive likely to endanger
or
Selye
distress.
frustrations,
(1974)
insecurity,
most damaging stressors,
ulcers,
heart
for
leads
states
and
revenge;
disdain,
in
one's security by
This
aggressiveness in others.
distrust,
inciting
to damaging
that
mental
aimlessness
are
stress,
tensions,
among
causing migraine headache,
attacks,
hypertension,
short,
mental
the
peptic
disease,
suicide, or just plain hopeless unhappiness.
People
with low
self-esteem
their relationships and in their
suffer
more
distress
lives than do
in
those with
high self-esteem.
Indifferent feelings at
of
tolerance
and
make
best can lead to an attitude
peaceful
coexistence
possible,
but
no more.
Selye's
frustration
disease
than
findings
is
much
(1974)
more
the ·stress
are
likely
of
that
to
excessive
stress
of
distress
and
the
produce
muscular
work.
In
76
physical
fact,
exercise
can
even
relax
and
help
one
withstand mental frustration.
Lack
of
motivation
causes
(work)
(1974)
between work,
the
to
body
stresses
believes
positive stress.
is
tolerate
few
how
physical
distress does so
must
have
intense,
scars
of
through the
censure,
other
for
that
is
stressor
(p. 99)
Selye
"altruistic
speaks
and that people
recognition;
frustrating and harmful.
( 1974)
during a
among the jobs you are capable of
constant
any
the sum of all
matter
the one you really like best Man
relationship
has been exposed
no
of
Selye says:
The art is to find,
appreciate.
activity
distress
close
(which
comparatively
frustration of failure.
than
a
activity,
Work which causes
doing,
is
the body
with
one
there
to which
leaves
the
results in
and aging
Successful
distress.
suffer
stress,
lifetime).
in meaningful
engage
Satisfying work
deprivation.
Selye
the
to
of
he
what
cannot
-
more
makes
work
egotism,"
saying
"egotism" is an inherent and unavoidable characteristic of
Yet
life.
pure egotism necessarily leads to conflict and
insecurity within the community .
Altruistic egotism
• is the only way to preserve teamwork, whose value is
ever increasing in modern society'' (p. 135).
The
to
be
"altruistic
what
persons
egotism"
with
high
that
Selye
self-esteem
describes
possess
power to be, and the power to love and be loved.
seems
the
77
Simonton
(1978)
has
done
cancer patients.
He found
and
link
illness
a
so
research
there
on
stress
with
is a link between stress
strong
that
it
is
possible
to
predict illness based on the amount of stress in people's
lives.
Chronic
system which
alien
of
how
is
negative
stress
responsible
for
micro-organisms.
emotional
the
stress
His
caused
individual
suppresses
engulfing
findings
by
are
external
interprets
or
the
and
destroying
that
the
events
copes
with
immune
amount
depends
that
on
event.
The ways in which one responds to the stresses of life are
habitual,
is,
dictated
who one
by
"should"
unconscious
be,
and
people are and should be.
beliefs
the way
about
who
one
the world and other
These patterns of behavior form
a total orientation, or stance toward life.
Simonton
(1978)
noted
the life
histories of more
of
fundamental
the
individuals
about
felt
than
typical
or
angry,
events
components
500 of his
characteristics
hurt,
situations
several
in
patients,
being
that
hostile,
and
their
lives,
in
one
these
despairing
but
the
feelings had been "bottled up" and they were unable to let
other people know how they felt.
the
patients
Often
those
as
unusually
Others frequently viewed
wonderful,
patients who most
good,
kind
steadfastly and responsibly
attempted to live up to cultural rules developed
serious
trying
illnesses.
to
overcoming
prove
They were
their
obstacles.
worth
He
people.
also
people
by
who
pleasing
found
that
were
the most
constantly
others
the
or
by
amount
of
78
stress
and
the
hopeless
and
attaches
to
degree
to
helpless
the
significance
of
which
life
the
result
are
experience.
events,
and
events make
of
One
can
can
create
of
the
natural
vital
defenses
failure
or
a
force
to
that
normal
defeat
changed
can
a
one
determine
the
meanings
thus releasing the
restore
potency,
to
feel
meaning
positive
where negative meanings existed before,
flow
the
one
the
a
e •g•'
challenge;
a
body's
sign
sign
of
that
life is unfair changed to a chance to start out fresh.
Simonton
accept the
all
have
(1978)
contends
responsibility for
the
power
to
disease,
that
our
of
through a
changing
self-destructive
of
own health,
participate
recovery
each
in
should
and
that we
prevention
process
beliefs and
us
and
in
of recognizing and
habit
patterns.
He
suggests a five-step process:
1. List the five greatest stresses in your life right
now.
2. Examine
ways
you
may
be
participating
in
maintaining the stresses.
3. Consider ways for
removing
the
stresses
from
your
life.
4. If
there
consider
or
whether
nurturing
accepting
a
is no
point
reasonable
you
are
elements
giving
to
remove
creating
in
support of close
of
way
yourself
your
other
life.
friends?
Are
pleasurable
a
stress,
supportive
Are
you
you making
experiences
79
during
stressful
times?
Are
you
permitting yourself
to express your feelings about stressful situations?
5.
Consider whether
or
balance
needs
first
them
in
more
often.
consider what your
find
to
you
ways
to
could
your
greatest
stressing process,
relatively
processes
negative
or
that
feelings,
imagined)
medicine.
thing
may
them
If
you
you
must
are
Simonton
suggests
resentments,
completely;
you
her;
the
which
situation
view.
the
might
other
look
a
is
are
one
of
the
resentment,
major
part
that
you
of
your
real
preventive
the
first
the
other
own
for
of
happening
stress.
releasing
yourself
the
to
person
him
or
role you may have played
and how you might
person's
that
express
relaxing
picture
things
the
of
not
process
first
the
re-
(whether
resentments
source
good
from
feel
believes
wrongs
harboring
getting an awareness of
from
He
clear mental
visualizing
you
long-term
a
past
includes
a
to
anger which is a single,
release
be
as
being
five-step
a
in the stressful scene;
event
resentment
ultimate
getting
resent;
are
yourself
104)
emotion.
acknowledge
person
despite what
forgive
well
own
Have you attempted
people
and
your
are?
as opposed to
help
put
own needs
resentment
short-lived
you
permit
sees
stressors
if
stresses
you
meet
(1978)
life
these
Do
the needs of others? (p.
Simonton
remove
behavior
other
reinterpret the
and
person's
how
point
the
of
80
Simonton (1978)
yourself
as
well
stresses the
as
forgiving
importance of
others,
to
forgiving
free
the
body
from stress and to allow the energy tied up in resentment
to be redirected toward leading the kind of life you want
to live.
Benson
(1975)
brought
together
and
synchronized
recent scientific data about stress and distress with ageold
Eastern
existence
and
of an
Relaxation
Western
innate
a
meditation
established
the
which he calls
the
technique
that
he
be better than biofeedback because it can be
done at any time,
any
place,
and without costly equipment
which must be monitored.
He
Relaxation
be
Response
hypertension
effective
and
human capacity
Response
considers to
writings,
and
in
can
other
presented
used
not
stress-induced
combatting
abuse,
drug
evidence
only
that
to
illnesses,
the
combat
but
alcoholism,
is
and
cigarette smoking.
The
technique
devise;
position.
four
are:
(3)
a
components
(1)
a
passive
of
quiet
the
Relaxation
environment;
atti'tude;
and
(4)
(2)
a
Response
a
mental
comfortable
The six points which he considers essential to
the Relaxation Response are:
1. Sit quietly in a comfortable position.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Deeply
relax
feet
progressing
and
relaxed.
all
your
up
muscles,
beginning at
your
to
face.
them
your
Keep
81
4, Breathe
through
your
breathing,
As
silently to
yourself,
OUT,
IN
"ONE";
nose.
you breathe
Become
out,
of
say the word,
For example,
• OUT,
aware
"ONE,"
breathe IN
etc.
"ONE";
your
Breathe easily
and naturally.
5. Continue for 10 to
eyes
to
When
you finish,
first
check
with
opened,
6. Do
the
not
do
not
for
use
an
your
alarm.
several minutes,
your eyes closed and later with
worry
a
about
deep
attitude
its
pace.
own
ignore
them
by
after
seem
to
any
or
Relaxation Response.
you
at
your eyes
With
upon
daily,
since
occur
occur,
the
not
at
try
response
within
digestive
a
return
Practice
but
the
the
to
them and
effort.
in
Maintain
thoughts
practice,
little
with
successful
relaxation
dwelling
twice
are
relaxation.
distracting
meal,
interfere
of
permit
not
with
once
hours
and
"ONE."
come
technique
whether
level
When
repeating
should
but
sit quietly
passive
to
time,
You may open
Do not stand up for a few minutes.
achieving
to
20 minutes.
the
two
processes
elicitation
of
the
(pp. 162' 163)
Summary:
Stress
harmful
and
affects
the
can
be
either
unhealthy.
body
beneficial
Harmful
adversely,
and
stress,
lowering
system and causing illness and disease.
the
healthy,
or
or
distress,
body's
immune
82
Persons
with
high
self-esteem
feelings which lead to healthy,
self
and
love
of
These
appreciation.
and
others,
feelings
from
have
positive stress -
gratitude,
qualities
others,
attitudes
respect,
foster
which
the
and
love of
trust,
and
same
attitudes
and
increases
reinforces
self-esteem even more.
Persons
with
low
attitudes
and
disdain,
hostility,
self-esteem
feelings
tend
hatred,
jealousy,
to
have
resentment,
revenge,
negative
distrust,
These
etc.
attitudes and feelings create harmful stress,
or distress,
and
resulting
elicit
the
same
attitudes
from
others,
in
conflicts, insecurities, and even lower self-esteem.
Human
attitudes,
tension.
one 1 s
the
beings
have
release
resentments,
With
this
capacity
awareness,
health and increase one 1 s
techniques
which
reduce
and
it
is
alter
to
reduce
distress
stress
possible to
self-esteem,
and
their
improve
by using
lead
and
to
the
more
beneficial, or positive, stress.
K. IRRATIONAL,
ILLOGICAL,
PESSIMISTIC
THINKING
AND
LOW
SELF-ESTEEM
Ellis and Harper (1961) developed a theory that human
emotions and feelings do not magically appear, or exist in
their
own
right,
and
do
not
mysteriously
unconscious or repressed needs and desires.
flow
Rather,
from
they
83
theorized,
feelings and emotions stem directly from ideas,
thoughts,
well
as
attitudes,
neurotic
or
beliefs,
behavior,
and
can
be
these
feelings,
as
changed
by
radically
modifying the thinking processes that create them.
Rational
teaches
Emotive
that
Therapy
irrational
(Ellis
and
lead
ideas
to
feelings such as anxiety, anger,
guilt,
hurt,
negative
and depression,
and these
self-defeating,
neurotic,
''man
the
can
live
emotionally
behavior.
most
satisfying
and disciplining his
Harper,
1961)
self-damaging
frustration,
fear,
feelings lead to
Their
thesis is
that
self-fulfilling,
creative,
and
life
by
thinking"
intelligently
(p.
organizing
Ellis and Harper
13).
were not the first to project such a philosophy:
The
principle
ancient
best
was
Greek
stated
originally
and
by
Roman
the
realized
philosophers,
famous
stoic,
by
several
and
perhaps
Epictetus,
who
the first century A.D. wrote in The Enchiridion,
are
disturbed
they
take
centuries
''There's
not
of
by
them."
later,
either
irrational
early
ideas
inability
this
good
or
by
the
"Men
views
which
Shakespeare,
many
thought
bad
in
but
Hamlet:
thinking
(p. 33, Ellis and Harper).
Ellis and Harper (1961)
and
but
William
rephrases
nothing
makes it so.''
things,
in
to
believe that neurotic behavior
stem from
think
childhood,
straight
from
(a)
(particularly
one's
the
childish insistence on immediate gratification rather than
on
future
gains,
and
on
being
unable
to
accurately
84
distinguish
real
dependence
others;
as
(c)
parents;
from
a
imagined
child
on
the
dangers);
planning
(d)
thinking
of
the indoctrinations of the mass media of
the society in which one was reared.
human
beings
differ
them positive contentment,
They state that:
enormously
worked
with
many
in
what
brings
they are remarkably alike in
what makes them miserable, and we,
have
and
one's
the superstitions and prejudices inculcated by
and
While
(b)
miserable
as psychologists who
people,
can
tell
you
almost to a T just what
you are doing to make yourself
unhappy
stop
and
unhappiness,
seems
to
sorrow,
how
or
to
at
consist
least
of
irritation,
is:
doing
acute
(a)
What
unhappiness,
a
annoyance,
it.
feeling
actually
of
sadness,
or regret at not getting
what one wants or at getting what one does not want; and
(b)
a
second
and
injustice
or
what
wants
one
sadness,
more
great
anxiety
and
sorrow,
important
has
because
and
irritation,
unhappiness
irrational
are
Harper
and
and
(1961)
emotional
illogical
exceptionally
of
terrible
has
not
feelings
annoyance,
got
(i.e.,
regret)
in
(pp. 69, 70)
propose
that
disturbances
thoughts
powerful
one
experienced
connection with not getting it.
Ellis
feeling
and
because.
ideas.
all
human
stem
from
Such
"biologically,
ideas
humans
tend to think in these particular silly ways; and because,
socially,
they
live
in
the
kind
of
communities
encourage them to think irrationally" (p. 72).
that
85
These
theories espoused by Ellis and Harper have been
adopted into what is known as ''cognitive" therapy.
(1981)
writes
depression
about
by
cognitive
changing
one's
therapy
belief
women more often suffer depression
because
women
and
the
at
tend
to
same
system,
overcoming
stating
than do men,
overestimate
time
in
their
underestimate
Emery
that
primarily
responsibility
their
ability
to
control and/or change the situation (irrational thinking).
His
research
found
that
depressed
patients
showed
more
improvement over a longer period of time and with half as
many
relapses,
compared
with
when
those
comparing
cognitive
cognitive
therapy
that
cognitive
treated
treated
therapy
plus
drugs
therapy
with
with
drugs.
alone
with
with
alone
cognitive
did
Another
one
another
just
therapy,
group,
group,
as
test
well
and
showed
as
the
cognitive therapy with drugs.
Emery
(1981)
questioned
self-defeating ways
answer
was
themselves
found
and
should
not
me,
depression
Thus,
he
set back
stress,
their
world
on
always
I'm
have
generally,
believes
the
me"
job,
of
that
these
stress,
ac ti va tes
and
"I
negative
The
about
should
be
I'm nothing"
who
someone
are
self-defeating
such
in
not.
beliefs
"If
People
respond
do
(e.g.,
the best,
like
people
while others
unlovable").
many
some
assumptions
"If I'm not
"Everyone
like
in
the
the best"
to
why
as
a
prone
to
beliefs.
loss,
beliefs
does
or
a
that
lead
to distorted thinking and the symptoms of depression.
The
86
symptoms
then
feed
the
negative
beliefs
and
keep
them
alive.
Emery
(1981)
believes
negative view of self
that
low
(irrational
self-esteem,
belief)
is at
or
a
the heart
of depression:
If
you're
yourself
Your
depressed,
is
you
worthless
depression
past,
symptoms
can
basic underlying notion this
If
were
all
depression would
aren't
depressed.
the rub:
and
act
party''),
would
However,
("I
feel
good'').
traced
is
future.
back
Just
list
presto,
this
it,
to
to
this
overcoming
the
you're
doesn 1 t
work.
too
bad
to
go
to
ways
you
no
longer
And
here's
When
your
you
in
become
such
a
Morn's
depressed,
way
birthday
(''A good daughter
but how you think as well
experiences
reaffirms
and
about
depression muddles up not only how you feel
go").
your
present,
be
snap.
and
everything
''I'm a loser.''
there
be a
loser,
a
believe
that
negative opinion of
you
distort
your
thinking
yourself
("I'm no
(p. 35)
Burns (1980) agrees with Emery that there is actually
a
formal
thinking
depressed
disturbance
patients,
distortion to
saying
look out for
in
low
"The
self-esteem
most
usual
and/or
mental
when you are feeling worthless
is all-or-nothing thinking'' (p. 55).
Other
enlarge
on
cognitive
Ellis
and
therapists
Harper's
who
works
concur
are
Beck
with,
and
(1967)
and
87
Mahoney (1974),
both of whom were forerunners of cognitive
therapy.
and
Cognitive
therapists
treat
emotions
(anxiety,
guilt,
problems,
alcohol
relationship
they do depression self-defeating
neuroses,
drug
and
problems
neurotic
shame,
behaviors
anger,
dependency,
stresses)
and
in
as
the
weight
well
as
way
same
as
by helping the patient determine what
thought
and
other
helping
patterns
the
are
patient
maintaining
to
change
or
their
overcome
such illogical ideas and thoughts.
Following
are
Ellis
and
Harper's
(1975)
ten
irrational beliefs:
1. It is
~
dire
everything
others
as
I
necessity that
do.
a
(Instead
desirable
but
l
of
not
~
loved
holding
necessary
~
everyone for
the
approval
goal;
of
instead
of
concentrating on loving, rather than on being loved.)
2.1
should
achieving,
myself
be
thoroughly
adequate,
in all possible respects.
with
human
limitations,
and
competent,
and
(Instead of accepting
"doing"
rather
than
trying to always "do perfectly''.)
3. Certain
people
should
severely
be
(Instead of
are
bad,
blamed
blaming and
basis of behavior,
good
people
inappropriately.)
and
or
punished
judging people,
on the
sometimes
wicked,
rather
make
villainous,
for
their
and
sins.
including myself,
than realizing
mistakes
and
that even
behave
88
4. It
is
terrible,
l.
do .!!.£!. .&.£ the way
to
change
horrible,
things
and
catastrophic when
(Instead of (a) working
want them to.
for
the
things
better
or
(b)
accepting
what
cannot be changed.)
5. Human
unhappiness
caused,
our
and
people
sorrows
(Instead of
or
.!!!.!.
(and
have
unhappiness)
little
or
ourselves
rid
no
of
is
externally
to
ability
negative
control
feelings.
realizing that most
of human misery is caused
by our
own irrational thinking,
and we can eliminate most
of
despair or
our
anger
by
changing our
thinking
and our
self-talk.)
6. If
something
terribly
worried
accepting
certain
with living,
dangerous
is
and
upset
inevitable
facing
or
fearsome
about
dangers
the dangers,
I
it.
and
should
be
(Instead
of
risks
changing what I
that
can,
go
and
accepting or avoiding what I cannot change.)
7.
~is
easier to avoid,
self-responsibilities,
disciplining
myself
responsibility
for
and
to
life difficulties,
self-discipline.
face
myself
instant
postponing
than!£ face,
(Instead
problems
head-on,
and
own
my
gratification
accepting
actions,
for
of
and
long-range
satisfactions.)
8. The
past
strongly
(Instead
is
all-important,
affected .!!!.!. life,
of
considering
my
it
and
because
should
past
learning valuable lessons from it,
do
so
history
something
once
indefinitely.
seriously
and
while working to change
the present and setting realistic goals for my future.)
89
9. People
and
things
than,
the
~
they are,
solutions
to
immediately
the
should
different
realities
(Instead
of
way I am, and the way I think,
can accept compromises and
than
always
looking
for
of
or
better
but I
believe,
reasonable
perfect
~
life
realizing
control other people and all things,
I
from,
and it is catastrophic if perfect
grim
found,
be
that
I
not
cannot
can control the
feel,
and act; and
solutions,
solutions
rather
to
life
problems.)
10, .!_
~
inaction,
achieve
or
myself".
lY.
maximum
happiness
passively
(Instead
of
and
lY.
inertia
uncommittedly
realizing
that
humans
and
"enjoying
tend
to
be
happiest when they are vitally and committedly absorbed in
creative pursuits,)
Mahoney
( 1974)
added
three
irrational
beliefs
to
those
ten:
11, .!_ need
someone
stronger
on which to rely.
QE_ ~
imp or tan t
(Instead of knowing
than myself
that it is better
to take the risks of thinking and acting independently and
autonomously.)
12, .!_
~
(Instead
have
of
certain
realizing
and
perfect
that
the
control
over
world
is
things.
full
of
probability and chance, and I can still enjoy life despite
this.)
13, .!_ have
~
control
~ ~
feeling certain things,
emotions,
and .!_ cannot help
(Instead of knowing that I
have
90
enormous control over my destructive emotions if I
choose
to work at changing my beliefs and my assumptions.)
Burns
(1980)
defined
ten
types
of
cognitive
things
in
black-and-
distortions:
1. All-or-nothing
white
Thinking:
categories.
perfect,
If
Seeing
your
performance
falls
short
of
you see yourself as a total failure.
2. Overgeneralization:
Seeing a
single negative event as
a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. Mental Filter:
dwelling
reality
on
it
becomes
Picking out a single negative detail and
exclusively
so
darkened,
like
that
your
the
vision
drop
of
of
ink
all
that
discolors the entire beaker of water.
4. Disqualifying
the
Positive:
Rejecting
experiences by insisting they "don't count".
positive
In this way
you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by
your everyday experiences.
Conclusions:
5. Jumping
interpretation
that
negatively
out
though
there
are
no
arbitrarily concluding
to
you,
without
Fortune-telling badly,
and
feeling
to
anticipating that
convinced
an already-established fact.
e.g.,
that someone
bothering
that
negative
a
definite
convincingly support your conclusion,
reading -
(b)
even
Making
(a)
facts
Mind
is reacting
check
this
out.
things will turn
your
prediction
is
91
6. Magnification
Exaggerating
the
(Catastrophizing)
importance
of
Minimization:
££
something
(such
as
your
goof-up or someone else's achievement); or inappropriately
shrinking
until
things
they
appear
tiny
(your
own
desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections).
7. Emotional
emotions
e.g.,
8.
Reasoning:
necessarily
"I feel it,
"Should,"
motivate
guilt.
reflect
yourself
Such
The
and
or
way
"Must"
others
emotional
statements
feel angry, frustrated,
9. Labeling
the
that
your
things
really
Statements:
with
such
consequence
directed
toward
This
for
makes
extreme
to
involves
is
you
form
Instead of describing your error,
label
to
and
yourself
others
''I'm a loser.''
someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way,
Mislabeling
Trying
''shoulds''
is an
attach a negative label to yourself:
negative
are,
and resentful.
and Mislabeling:
overgeneralization.
a
negative
therefore it must be true."
"Ought,"
"shouldn' ts".
Assuming
him:
describing
of
you
When
you attach
"He's
a
god dam
louse."
an
event
with
language
that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
10. Personalization:
negative
external
Seeing yourself as the cause of some
event
which
in
fact
you
were
not
primarily responsible for.
Pessimistic thinking:
Included
in
irrational
beliefs
distortions is pessimistic thinking.
and
in
cognitive
Pessimism is defined
92
by
Webster,
1976,
as
"the
tendency
to
always
expect
the
worst."
According
pessimism,
to
which
Beck
(1967)
results
from
depression
three
results
interrelated
from
patterns
of thought which distort the depressed person's perception
of
reality.
consists
This
"primary
of negative
views
triad"
of
(1)
(Beck,
self
1967,
p.
255)
(low self-esteem),
(2) or present experiences, and (3) of the future.
Beck
commits
(1967)
four
logical
environmental
future.
as
that
input
The
drawing
is
first
a
not
selective
supported
only
one
process
self,
the
of
a
inference,
the
the
she/he
or
a
fourth
faulty
gross
detail
logical
inaccuracies
the
while
situation.
The
error
of
conclusion
worth
Magnification,
second,
whereby
logical
draws
the
experience
The
one
multifaceted
and
is defined
or
process
only
distorting
world,
evidence.
on
individual
of
situation
the
performance,
makes
the
a
is
incident.
constitutes the
person
from
by
when
depressed
arbitrary
commits
person
ability,
in
focuses
details
overgeneralization
her /his
error,
individual
depressed
the
regarding
conclusion
other
that
errors
abstraction,
depressed
ignoring
believes
on
the
about
basis
of
minimization,
or
process whereby
in
judging
the
the
significance of events and/or her/his performance.
Beck
thought
(196 7)
patterns
attitudes:
(1)
found
that
One
that
consist
cluster
of
depressed
of
a
persons
network
attitudes
of
learn
negative
centers
around
93
supposed
to be
personal deficiencies,
dumb."
(2)
the
her/his
deficiencies.
getting
example,
"It is awful
Another set revolves around self-blame,
whereby
individual
expectations,
for
holds
himself
(3)
A
responsible
third
better.
constellation
of
An
individual
attitudes
is
who
possesses
predisposed
to
Depression is precipitated either by exposure
environmental
stressors.
negative
set,
reflects the person's pessimism about things
any
stressful
for
Vulnerability
events,
or
to
specific
these
to
this
depression.
to generally
idiosyncratic
stressors
is
determined by the individual's past learning history.
Beck
(1967)
individual
hypothesizes
acquires
these
that
negative
the
depression
patterns
of
prone
thought
during childhood and adolescent developmental periods from
interactions
of her/him,
with
the
environment,
from
others'
opinions
and by identification with significant figures
such as parents.
Summary:
Persons
rationally
with
and
irrational
defeating
those
with
self-esteem
logically,
and less stress,
Persons
high
low
beliefs
emotions,
pessimistically.
and have more
to
think
more
positive feelings
than those with low self-esteem.
with
high
tend
self-esteem
and
cognitive
stress,
and
self-esteem.
When
pessimism
are
is
prone
distortions,
neurotic
They
more
also
behavior
tend
repeatedly
to
to
selfthan
think
projected
94
to
others
it
tends
to
lower
their
self-esteem
and
cause
them to become pessimistic also.
People
beliefs,
grow up
cognitive
pessimism,
such
who
will
self-esteem in
the
distortions,
have
irrational
with
low
and
unrealistic
own
of
unrealistic
self-esteem
beliefs,
their
influence
lives and
in
irrational
thinking,
will
and
perpetuate
thinking,
and
the
of
lives
low
those
close to them.
People can change,
locked into
needed
although sometimes
self-defeating
to
about
bring
patterns
such
by
conscientiously
processes,
people
to
become
increase
physically
their
own
is
By
change
eliminate
neurotic emotions and behavior.
stress,
psychotherapy
consciously
illogical thought patterns,
working
can
so
changes.
recognizing their unrealistic,
and
that
they may be
and
their
thinking
self-defeating
and
They will experience less
psychologically
self-esteem,
and
healthier,
enhance
the
self-
esteem of others.
L. REALITY THERAPY
Reality
(1965)
-
Therapy,
developed
by
William
Glasser
is based on a psychiatric version of the three R's
reality,
responsibility,
and
right-and-wrong.
Glasser
says:
To
be
worthwhile
standard
correct
ourselves
of
we
must
behavior.
ourselves
when
we
when
do
maintain
To
do
so
we
do
wrong
right.
If
we
we
a
satisfactory
must
and
do
learn
to
not
to
credit
evaluate
95
our
own
behavior
or,
having
evaluated
it,
if
we
do
not act to improve our conduct where it is below our
standards,
we
will
not
fulfill
our
needs
to
be
worthwhile and will suffer as acutely as when we fail
to
love or
right
to
be
and
the
loved.
wrong
behavior
fulfillment
(are)
Morals,
a
of
standards,
are
our
all
intimately
needs
necessary
part
values,
for
or
related
self-worth
and
of
Reality
Therapy.
to
Reality
Therapy,
(p. ix)
About responsibility Glasser says:
Responsibility,
a
concept
basic
is defined as the ability to fulfill one's needs, and
~ ~
to do so in
that does not deprive others of the
ability !Q fulfill
person
also
self-worth
does
and
others.
He
a
is
their needs.
that
which
feeling
A responsible
gives
that
motivated
him
he
to
a
is
feeling
of
worth1;hile
to
strive
and
perhaps
endure privation to attain self-worth. (p. xi)
The
concept
approach,
of
realism
and is
perhaps
is
crucial
the
most
to
Dr.
difficult
Glasser's
to
pin
down.
Specifically, about realism, Glasser says:
In their
no
matter
have
a
reality
law,
unsuccessful effort
what
behavior
to fulfill
they
choose,
common
characteristic:
of
world
the
denying
neighbors
are
the
around
rules
plotting
of
their
They
them.
society;
against
all
all
Some
some
them,
needs,
patients
deny
the
break
the
claim
denying
their
the
96
improbability
crowded
such
places,
elevators,
their
of
Some
behavior.
close
quarters,
Millions
inadequacy they feel
drink
but that
airplanes,
their
of
or
blotting
back-ward
it
is
of
all
out
patient
in
the
out
by
a
too
the
if they
many people
the reality that they
problems
Whether
behavior.
blot
and far
choose suicide rather than face
solve
to
need not exist
could learn to be different;
total
afraid
yet they freely admit the irrationality of
fears.
could
are
more
partial
denial
reality
state
responsible
of
or
the
hospital,
the
chronic
the
denial
of some or all of reality
is common to all patients.
Therapy will be successful
wheh~l:hey
up
to
denying
the
only
exists
not
needs
within
accepts
patient
or
on
world
but
its
excuses,
and
that
that
recognize
they
must
reality,
reality
their
fulfill
The
framework.
ignores
are able to give
therapist
or
allows
to blame his present unhappiness on a
an emotional
disturbance
can
usually
who
the
parent
make
his
patient feel good temporarily at the price of evading
responsibility.
He
"psychiatric kicks,"
is
only
which are
giving
the
patient
no different from
brief kicks he may have obtained from alcohol,
or
sympathetic
psychiatrist.
patient
with
psychiatry.
friends
before
When they fade,
good
(xiii)
reason
pills,
consulting
as they soon must,
becomes
the
disillusioned
the
the
with
97
Glasser 1 s
approach
is
optimistic
than cynical and pessimistic.
He
and
hopeful,
rather
does not say that people
are responsible for what has occurred in the past;
he
says
that
they
responsibly.
have
not
been,
and
are
not
instead
now,
living
He says:
We must all realize that while we may be a product of
our
history,
us.
We
our
to
of
to
at
we
for
us
our
way
of
we
better
or
the
need
for
We
Therapy
choices
( 1965)
first
both
to
other,
love
feel
is
ourselves
are separate,
that
a
not
year
and
cry
time,
change
basis
is
excuse
of
what
that
we
Although it is
and
do
so
we
can
in
most
much more satisfying life.
basic needs.
is
are
hard
choose our misery and we make
life.
Reality
Glasser
it
same
on the
to
and if we can become more responsible most
to admit,
through
one
the
can
happened
that
after
ourselves
All
has
fact
trouble will clear.
our
make
what
year
and,
help
misfortune.
the
around
misfortunes
doi.ng now,
change
accept
sit
our inability
same
cannot
must
profitable
about
we
believes
out
(p.
of
gain
weakness,
the
but
strength
instances
to
the
both.
need
and
to
to
all
Equal
others.
a
xxii)
that
feel
to
lead
people
have
two
is the need to love and be loved but
it
in
that
importance
we
are
Although
the
to
not
the
worthwhile
two
needs
person who loves and is loved will usually
she/he
is
a
worthwhile
person,
and
one
who
is
98
worthwhile
is
usually
someone
who
is
loved
and
who
can
give love in return.
Glasser
facing
maintains
and
reality
that
high
living
self-esteem
responsibly,
satisfactory standard of behavior.
act responsi.bly,
Cognitive
feel
from
maintaining
In other words,
a
if you
you will feel responsible and worthwhile.
therapy
good about
comes
says
if
you
yourself and
think
will
act
rati.onally
in
you
will
self-responsible
ways.
A
Comparison
of
Reality
Therapy
with
Cognitive
Therapy and with Conventional Psychiatry:
Reality Therapy
Rational E'rrotive or
O?gnitive Therapy
Conventional Psychiatry
a) Individuals have
problEmS because
their rerformance
is too low.
a) Indi.viduals have
problEmS because
their thinking is
distorted and irrational.
a) Patient 1 s moral standards are unrealistically
high.
b) Failure is at
the interpersonal,
social level of
functioning.
b) Failure is intrapersonal and cogni.tive.
b) The instinctive,
biological needs are
culturally interfered
wi.th.
c) People are ill
because they act
irresponsibly.
c) People act irresponsibly because their
beliefs are irrational.
c) Patients act irresponsibly because they are
ill.
d) Glient has a lack
of responsibility,
consistency, accountability.
d) Client lacks a logical
belief system.
d) Patient has lack of
insight.
e) People are ill
because they deny the
reality of the world
around them.
e) People deny reality
because of cognitive
distortions.
e) Patients deny reality
because they are ill.
99
f) Therapist is
involved as teacher
and mx!el.
f) Therapist is involved
prirrarily as teacher.
f) Psychiatrist is
remote and tminvolved.
g) Focus on the individual's need to act
responsibly.
g) Focus on the individual's need to think
logically and ·rationally.
g) Focus on what happened
to the patient in the ~
to influence the present.
M. LOSS, MOURNING,
Loss
without
is
a
AND SELF-ESTEEM
part
of
living.
experiencing losses
losses
such
as
losing
a
Human
from
coin
time
in
a
beings
to
don't
exist
from
small
time,
vending
machine,
to
major losses such as death of a loved one.
Every loss,
a
whether
large or small,
is accompanied by
period of mourning or grieving which may last from a few
minutes to many years,
loss
the
and
the
Loss
loss.
losses,
with
Don't
it.
of
especially
strength
of
self-esteem
if
Colgrove,
avoided.
state,
coping
depending on the seriousness of the
the
the
often
grieving
Bloomfield,
person
accompanies
process
and
experiencing
is
other
denied
or
(1976)
McWilliams
''It is important to the healing process that you be
the
pain,
deny
it
experience
or
cover
the
it
or
20).
desolation,
run
away
feel
from
it.
the
hurt.
Be
with
Hurt for awhile"
(p.
Stearns (1983) says:
The more fully a
person grieves in the early months,
the more relief the person will feel as time goes on
• Mourning remains a process we must all go
through.
It simply isn't possible to go around it
without jeopardizing recovery and healing.
100
Hurtful,
angry,
deny
stay
what
we
or
with
feel,
guilty
feelings
us
for
years
we
continue
and
that
years.
to
have
If
our
doesn't
resisted,
or
go
a1;ay
just
denied.
we
to
resist
(p. 75)
because
Resisting
try
troublesome
feelings and we have them for years.
Grief
we
it
the
is
loss
ignored,
experience
and one's feelings about it only sends these feelings
underground,
These
unsettling
surface unexpectedly at any time.
Healing
order
involves
being
to hurt much less.
Grief
is
not
a
might
consider
grief
a
can
then
(p. 77)
willing
to
hurt
more
or
a
weakness,
or
something
It is a necessary process.
path
in
(p. 76)
disease,
to hide and be ashamed of.
feelings
which
must
be
traveled
You
from
the first shock of the loss to the rebuilding of your life
and your self-esteem.
Kubler-Ross
and
dying
mourning
her
which
Isolation,
A dying
(1969)
life's
a
Anger,
person is
who
work,
dying
has
defines
person
goes
Bargaining,
facing
made
the
five
study
major
through:
Depression,
the
ultimate
of
death
stages
Denial
and
loss -
of
and
Acceptance.
the
loss of
self.
Colgrove,
three
stages
Bloomfield,
of
recovery
anger/depression,
and
Brog
these
state
(1983)
call
and
McWilliams
from
losses:
(1976)
shock/ denial,
understanding/acceptance.
stages
that when grief follows
the
this
"grief
cite
Hafen
and
syndrome"
and
ordered sequence,
then
101
mourning
has
served
purpose
On the other
spontaneously.
necessary
its
grief
process
hand,
they
and
will
end
when people avoid this
develop
psychopathological
problems that require treatment.
Stearns (1983)
the
root
of
includes another stage which may be at
prolonged
grief
at
the
loss
of
a
loved
one.
She calls this idealization of the loved one, or "positive
projection,"
which
strengths to
others to such an excessive extent
the
loved
unable
person
to
means
is
that
lost
continue.
we
we
sometimes
are
Stearns
left
quotes
attribute
feeling
our
that when
empty
Lily
Pincus'
has
been
and
(1975)
description of positive projection:
People
whose
undermined,
self-confidence
perhaps
from
earliest
childhood,
severely
find
it
difficult to believe in, and hold onto, anything good
in
themselves,
love.
such
beauty,
talent,
kindness
or
• Such people may choose partners whom they
can
idealize
and
adorn
with
everything
characteristics,
beautiful,
touch
When
as
with
such a
hoping
that
what
might
partner
they
be
dies,
away with him and leaves
with
can
good
he
that
cannot
to
continue
he
live.
that
put
is
all
good
themselves
inside
takes
desirable
and
in
themselves.
the
goodness
the survivor emptied of all
that makes life worth living.
so impoverished
all
The bereaved may feel
becomes deeply depressed
He
may
not
even
want
and
to
live, for only the dead have value. (p. 136, Stearns)
102
Stearns
dealt
(1983)
with
in
order
completed -
guilt.
the
"If
phrase
feelings
are
cites
to
are
separate
How could you
the
have
obstacle
grieving
n
with
She
prolonging
realistic
know
The
a
from
grief
be
be
by
guilty
self-blame
is
questions
to
with guilt,
in
unrealistic
this would
to
that
list of
their
must
characterized
states
loss.
and she gives
which
process
in mourning is
only
inevitable
people who
order
for
Guilt
usually unrealistic,
ask
another
(2)
happen?
(1)
guilt:
Are
you
expecting yourself to have known things that couldn't have
been
with
known
yourself
person
thoughts
with
had
no
(3)
certainty?
choice
of
or
Are
self-blame,
you
as
responsibility
tormenting
if
the
all
at
other
for
the
events that happened?
If the guilt is realistic and the person experiencing
the
loss
is actually
remorse,
assistance
him/herself.
to
or
Without
hold
themselves,
months
blame
health,
Children
have
a
some way,
on
and
even
a
to
accident
loss,
may
and
their
guilt
They
often
such as
experience
act
as
a
person
out
is
deep
help
way
unburden
people
of
engage
in a
excessive
carelessness
are
punishing
depression may engulf
proneness,
may
the
professional
or self-sabotage in love
too,
there
This often requires
such
state of
years.
help
to
self-destructive behaviors
eating,
in
and this must be dealt with,
professional
likely
to
them for
variety of
drinking
toward
and
one's
relationships or at work.
feelings
their
of
guilt
troublesome
when
they
feelings
103
Stearns
behaviorally.
event
of any
persists
kind,
for
a
more
( 1983)
says
significant
than
several
that
following
change
weeks
a
loss
in behavior
that
often
signals
that
the child is having difficulty.
Stearns
process
relive
(1983)
has
been
states that
successfully
sorrowful
experience
also
feelings
intense
completed,
at
emotions,
even when a
later
either
people
times,
joyful
grieving
often
when
or
they
sorrowful.
So it seems that the scars of deep losses remain,
and the
pain gets less but may never go completely away.
Losses defined:
Although all
losses cannot
possibly be covered here,
there are a few major categories of losses:
1.
Loss
of
people
through
death,
divorce,
separation,
lost loves and friendships.
2.
Loss
of
disasters,
places
i.e.,
earthquake,
because
homes
etc,,
or
of
natural
due
lost
of
because
to
or
man-made
fire,
moving
flood,
to
another
residence or relocation to another city, etc.
3.
Loss of things from theft, misplacement, etc.
4.
Loss
~
health because of illness,
disease,
accident,
surgery, or aging.
5.
Loss
of
freedom
because
of
war,
confinement
in
a
hospital or prison, etc.
6.
Loss~
for
many
.i2E..t.
occupation, £I. "role."
reasons.
Even
if
we
move
Jobs may be lost
up
to
a
better
104
position,
we still
left
the lesser
position
behind,
Retirement is often as much the loss of a
loss.
it is the loss of a
career;
feel
loss
strongly
the
as
a
role as
and middle-aged parents often
of
their
parenting
role
when
children leave home.
7.
Loss
of
dreams.
Often
accompanying
and
magnifying
other losses is the additional loss of hopes and dreams of
what
might
have been or
should
have
been.
Also
in
this
category is the loss of what may never have existed, i.e.,
loving
and
responsible
parents,
a
childhood
free
from
abuse, a happy marriage, a satisfying career, etc.
Other losses which don't fit
(loss of the "single" life);
classmates, teachers,
of childhood,
a category are marriage
graduation (loss of routine,
etc.); a birthday may
loss of
youth,
etc.
mean the loss
Almost any
change you
might make could mean also a loss which must be dealt with
for optimum mental health and self-esteem.
Summary:
Experiencing
any
change
losses
also
requires
that
one
ordered
sequence:
is
a
involves
go
part
of
a
loss.
through
the
shock/ denial,
living,
because
Recovery
mourning
almost
from
process
anger/ depression,
loss
in
an
and
understanding/acceptance.
Idealization and guilt are complications of grief and
may delay or prolong the mourning process.
105
Loss
esteem,
from
can
and
loss
cause
people
more
a
temporary
with
high
quickly and
lowering
self-esteem
with
fewer
of
the
tend
to
selfrecover
complications
than
peo-·ple with low self-esteem.
Emotional
experiences,
either
sorrowful
can trigger the pain of previous losses.
or
joyful,
Time does heal,
but there are always scars.
N. SKIN HUNGER, ATTACHMENT HUNGER, AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM
People
parental
of
deprived
physical
in
attachment
closeness,
infancy
may
touching,
suffer
and
from
the
deprivation all their lives.
Infants raised in the deprived environment of certain
institutions
suffer
Seligman
survive at all.
of
R.
raised
(1946)
Spitz
in
out,
with
Thirty-four
such
called anaclitic
These
morasmus.
( 1975)
of
children
only
the
as
minimal,
on
foundling
their
homes.
day
reported:
and
idiocy
resulted
in
or
and
human
contact.
foundling-home
infants
observed by Spitz died in the first three years;
depression
The
hospitalism,
backs
mechanical
ninety-one
they
occurring in children
depression,
lay
if
reported on observations
phenomenon
of a
institutions
condition is
day
severe psychological damage -
in
other
stuporous
cases.
Spitz
106
In the
second half of the first
year,
infants developed a weepy behavior
contrast
to
behavior.
their
After
withdrawal.
their
in
previously
a
The
time
life
approached
insistent
of
in
them
their
we
enough,
case,
screaming
these
children
personnel
question
All
refusing
would
ensue
During
some
a
showed
way
to
would
lie
in
to
take
this
greater
we
If
we
were
and,
in
some
period
suffered
part
When
weight
that
outgoing
gave
ignored.
weeping
reported
and
surroundings.
were
lost
that was in marked
weepiness
cots with averted faces,
the
few of these
happy
this
children
a
some
of
the
nursing
from
insomnia
susceptibility
to
intercurrent colds or eczema.
This
behavior
syndrome
lasted
three
months.
Then
the weeping subsided,
and stronger provocation became
necessary
it.
to
provoke
A sort
of expression appeared instead.
lie
or
frozen
in a
their
sit
daze,
environment.
by
This
who
screaming
1975)
was
rigidity
These children would
expressionless
faraway
behavior
eyes,
expression as
and
was
in
at
this
finally
elicited.
if
on in
some
activities.
arrived
difficult
frozen
perceiving what went
autoerotic
children
Seligman,
and a
apparently not
increasingly
best,
wide-open,
immobile face,
accompanied
with
with
of
cases
Contact
stage
became
impossible.
( p p.
143,
At
144,
107
Seligman (1975)
theorized that "an infant deprived of
stimulation is an infant thereby deprived of control
over
stimulation.
when
There
can
there is no partner.''
The
dance
the
of
mother
partner.
hug
of
a
you
not
no
when
of
is
development
impoverished
available
mother,
you
to
there
hug.
Your
staff
too
control.
busy
to
Food,
be
indeed,
the
is
often
coos
and
Cries and shrieks fall
nursery
with
dance
He further states:
is
unreturned.
no
development
with
back
be
respond
diaper
primary
no
one
smiles
on the
if
to
are
deaf ears
and
provide
changing,
and
cuddling are not usually provided in response to your
demands,
but
in
response
to
the
demands
of a
effect
of
clock.
(p. 145)
Seligman's
deprivation
are
Harlow reported
1970.
theories
about
based
the
in 1962, and
However,
Seligman
effects are caused,
lack
of
an
on
not
enriched
the
studies
by G.P.
theorized
just by
nurturing
environment,
infant's
caretaker
demands
development"),
is
(Seligman
and
when
the
monkeys
Sackett,
that
the
by
H.F.
reported in
deprivation
lack of mother's love and
but
over the mother and the environment.
a
of
maternal
present
calls
by
lack
of
control
In other words, when
and
this
environment
responds
the
to
"dance
contains
the
of
objects
that the infant can interact with and thereby control, the
infant
is
not
subject
to
the
marasmus, or anaclitic depression.
devastating
effects
of
108
Skin Hunger and Touching:
When
the
deprivation
of
touch
exists
to
a
lesser
degree than the cases described by Spitz, it could cause a
subclinical effect
an
unrecognized
could drive
in
a
need
people
never-ending
and childhood.
In
his
which
to
for
touching
search for
study
of
what
"Body
(in
studies
convinced
called
"skin hunger"
and
closeness
which
compulsive behavior and addictions,
they missed in
W.
those
the
and
the
Futurist",
James
and
"that
Pleasure
"The
neuropsychologist
his
be
infancy
Simon (1976) states:
Violence"
on
could
April,
Prescott
of
other
deprivation
body movement which differ from
Origins
says
1975),
that
scientists
of
body
of
based
he
touch
is
and
the senses of sight,
hearing, smell, and taste is the cause of a number of
emotional
disturbances,
autistic behaviors,
drug abuse,
which
include
hyperactivity,
violence,
and
depressive
and
sexual aberration,
aggression."
(Simon,
1976,
p. 20)
Simon
(1976)
believes,
as
do
many
in
the
helping
profession, that some children deliberately misbehave just
for a chance at establishing a skin contact, even if it is
a painful spanking. He says:
Young people from homes which are conscious of skinhunger
needs
tend
to
be
definitely less frenetic.
of
the
scale,
more
open
and
warm
and
Children at the other end
those who have
rarely
been touched
at
109
home,
often
living
seem to
in
fantasy
a
I
hostile.
diminished
be more withdrawn,
am
convinced
sense
of
or
world,
that
their
prone to
definitely
they
own
more
tend
worth
and
to
more
have
beauty.
a
(p.
26)
Simon
(1976)
alcoholism,
adequate
in to
and
that
non-sexual
premature
intercourse.
drug-abuse
adults,
theorizes
problems
can
smoking,
touching
(p.
less
vulnerability
"You
apt
petting
find
97).
less
and,
eating
peer-group
sexual
and
children,
and
that adequate
junk
and
pushed
drinking
later,
of
pressure,
get
and
He also believes
thumbsucking
cure
experienced
to
skin-educated
compulsive
to
will
can
have
less
heavy
among
prevent
back-rubs
who
are
of
says
as well"
touching
children
bouts
He
that
cigarette
foods,
can
even
less
result
in more restful sleep habits.
Attachment Hunger:
"Attachment
to
Break
it
as
Your
an
Hunger"
Addiction
adult's
is
to
term
a
reaction
Person",
to
He
unmet
need,
to
things:
(1) Keeps the infant alive and well;
like
situation;
symbiotic
that
illusion of
merger
the infant
and
with
nurturing
needs
being
(3)
in
in a
Gives
this
a
person
way
safe,
powerful
person,
powerful.
as
an
should
does
three
(2) Gives the
satisfying,
infant,
("How
defines
who
that
the
is enormously
Halpern
1982).
respond
infant 1 s
a
his/her
by
for
the
to
used
infant,
infant the
closeness
a
womb-
through
the
the
illusion
Gratification of
110
these
Attachment
makes
it
needs
easier
child.
Good
for
results
the
launching
their
confidence,
their
own,
parents
gives
teaches
take
some
in
a
to
healthier
child,
and
eventually
launch
the
children
them
that
risks,
backing
they
and
can
builds
stand
and
find
new
that
the
extent
up
on
relationships
with people other than parents.
Halpern
adult
experiences
extent
on
what
Launching
greater
may
(1982)
lack
infant's
Attachment
happened
phases
for
of
some
the
theorizes
Attachment
this
that
felt
"he
than
early
for
needs,
causing
a
Some
capability
to
the
quoting
always
umbilical cord in his hand, looking for
are
parents
meet
the
individual
what
walking
and
needs
one
to
Halpern
Attachment in adult life.
by
great
Attachment
others.
or
was
to
Attachment
energy,
compulsion
he
depends
the
development.
compulsively search for
describes
during
infants
time,
Hunger
to which an
man
around
said,
with
his
someone to plug it
into" (p. 248).
Some
child
parents
to
seem
separate
at
individual
may
become
her /him
seek
and
to
unable
an
or
appropriate
timid
cling
unwilling
to
and
to
allow
the
and
the
age,
compelling
fearful,
relationships
addictive
in
ways.
M.
in
an
Scott Peck
atmosphere
given
with
·
1nner
sense
in
gross
of
(1978)
says
which
love
inconsistency
1· n se c ur 1' t y,
a
that
and
children
care
enter
feel1' ng
are
who
grow
up
lacking
or
adulthood
of
"I
with
don 1 t
an
have
111
enough"
and
ungiving,
a
as
and
that
well
questionably
then,
sense
as
lovable
that they feel
a
cling
believes
that
to
is
of
unpredictable
themselves
valuable.
"It
is
they
can find
it,
wonder,
love,
(p.
and
being
care,
and once
desperation"
people have
as
no
the need to scramble for
it with
such
world
sense
and
attention wherever
found. it,
the
having
104).
Peck
an "addictive personality"
which he describes thus:
They
are
addicted
gobbling
to
be
bottle
them
up,
sucked
and
or
the
is a
in
perpetuates
to
to
It
they
works
the
person.
someone
ungiving
may
not
to
turn
a
appear
to
to
the
peoplebe
love
people to fiercely
But
in
actuality
It has its
failure
to
It
to receive
trap
and
available
as
another.
seeks
nourishes
love
and
it
rather
infantilism rather
and
than
constrict rather
than
Ultimately
it
destroys
rather
than
and
it
destroys
rather
than
many
people
says
more
another
pill
them
( p. lOS)
(1982)
are
are
it is a form of antilove.
It
builds people.
that
one
on
often
that causes
relationships,
Halpern
they
or
the failure.
liberate.
builds
to
sucking
people
gobbled,
parental
a
give.
growth.
when
force
themselves
it is not love;
than
and
Dependency
because it
genesis
people,
needle
substitute.
attach
to
valuable
''For
or
that
many,
when
being
destructive
to
they
tend
are
attached
their
to
feel
attached
to
even
to
self-esteem
112
makes
them
without
feel
that
words,
the
or
low
more
(p.
to
If
to
influence
is
being
so,
he
feelings
realize
the
than
this
underlying
self-esteem,
continue
worthwhile
60)
one's
exploring
insecurity
not
they are
attachment''
recommends
need
that
that
present.
of
the
"In
past
other
the aim of this self-exploration is to help you put
past
in
the
past
and
the
present
in
the
present"
(p.
break
such
64).
He
proposes
addictions,
that
it
is
possible
first with this awareness and understanding of
''the way feelings and needs from
depended
attach
on
to
others
yourself
for
to
that early time when you
everything have
another
person"
(p.
now
caused
you
to
245), Secondly,
by
learning self-sustenance and self-parenting:
You must learn to listen to the demands of that inner
infant and
become,
for
parent you can be had.
Being
nurturance
child,
love
him things
tell
him
berate
can,
best
possible
good
guidance.
parent
You
do
must
nice
involves
be
good
things for
both
to
that
him,
tell
that build his self-esteem and confidence,
you
will
for
without
always
being
besides,
your life.)
him,
a
him deeply,
him
help it;
the
a better parent than you actually
such
and
him or her,
hate
a
be
there
baby.
he's only one
or
anger,
Though you may
for
(After
him
all,
and
he
can't
part of you that
prevent
from
not
you
tyrannizing
in many ways even pamper
when you stop him from tyrannizing your actions,
113
you are offering parental guidance.
give him such
guidance
needs must not
by
And you can also
teaching
him
that all
be gratified immediately,
his
that he can
cope with the pain of not being gratified,
that being
alone
and
not
can
be
seek
to
okay,
and
attach
that
he
himself
to
need
one
not
particular
person to get his needs met.
(pp 247, 248)
A
addictions
third
making
step
rational,
in
breaking
rather
should
than
emotional,
that
you
is
other
to
begin
choices
when
purge
your
forming relationships:
While
it
is
Attachment
come
to
meet
and
Hunger
stop
decisions
example,
true
yourself
on
stop
many of
security
level
the
basis
needs,
from
of
cannot
you
can
making
increasingly
important
them.
You
life
can,
for
yourself from marrying someone who may
your Attachment Hunger
but
who
is
otherwise
needs for
fusion
inappropriate
and
wrong for you. (p. 251)
(1982)
Halpern
capacity
Hunger
to
get
needs
further
one's
reasonably
recommends
particular
well
developing
packet
gratified
in
of
that
are
destructive
and
limiting,
Attachment
ways
constructive and enhance one's growth rather
and
the
that
are
than in ways
he
offers
guidelines for doing this.
Summary:
A total
lack of "mothering",
touching,
and nurturing
by a care-taking person can have devastating effects on an
114
from
ranging
infant,
irreversible
mental
illness
and
retardation to early death.
Inadequate
"launching"
esteem
and
person
or
at
a
an
a
destructive.
the
(and
age
drive
substance,
If
one
touching,
appropriate
compulsive
to
nourishing
nurturing,
can
for
lead
to
attachment
either
of
addictive
such
loving
which
low
to
can
relationship
relationships
and/or
self-
another
be
self-
is
seldom
not
are)
a
this
further damages one's self-esteem.
Such addictions can be broken,
increased,
with self-exploration and self-awareness;
sustenance and
self-parenting;
than
choices
the
and self-esteem can be
emotional
need for
touching
and
by
making rational,
decisions;
is satisfied
and
by
by
selfrather
making
giving and
sure
getting
lots of daily hugs.
0. DIFFERENTIATION
= BREAKING
''Differentiation"
psychological
emotions
one's
meanings:
FREE AND MAKING PEACE
has
(1)
Separation
from logical thinking,
own
uniqueness,
interconnected
two
separate
and
(2)
from
of
feelings
and
Acknowledgment of
others,
especially
from one's own family.
Differentiation functioning:
separation of feelings from intellectual
115
Murray Bowen (as reported in Goldenberg,
Guerin,
to
1976)
studied
distinguish
intellectual
other,
and
and
proposed
the
although
fused
a
greatest
100
is
people
process
themselves.
in
or
the
from
between
degree
hypothetical
He
ways
of
0
to
and in
are
able
and
the
observed
feeling
differentiated
scale
fusion
to which
feeling
people
either
greatest degree of
0
the
within
between
are
degree
between
process
differences
intellect
the
1980,
and
from
100,
each
with
the
feeling and intellect at
differentiation
inasmuch
at
as
few
the
greatest
100,
people
ever
reach this level of functionin3.
Bowen
function
they
the
are
Their
those
illness,
much
course
by
less
about
are
difficult
thi.s
poorest.
than
flexible,
that
dominated
life
rather
on
concluded
lowest
energy
keeping the
Their
by
i.s
the
with
thinking
automatic
determined
beliefs
and
by
is
emotional
11
\.Jhat
opinions.
They
more
emotionally
them.
are
more
prone
them
level
stressed
recover
to
are
goes
totally
into
into
from
to
seeking
are
love
and
11
less
dependent
kinds
and
dysfunction.
relationshi.p
right,
all
dysfunction,
and
system.
fee:L.:
and
They
fusion
submerged
adaptable,
easily
for
people
of
it
is
People
at
oriented.
So
approval
and
relationship in some kind of harmony,
th~re
is
no energy for life-directed goals.
At
feelings
whose
the
higher
and
intellect
intellectual
end
of
are
the
scale
are
differentiated.
functioning
can
those
These
retain
whose
people,
relative
116
autonomy
adaptable,
them.
p~riods
in
of
and more
They are
stress
independent of
able
to
function
or alone,
as the situation may
to
successfully
cope
situations.
They
are
with
cope
the
flexible,
well with other
people,
and they are able
broad
with
more
emotionality about
require,
a
better
more
range
life
of
human
stresses,
their
life courses are more orderly and successful, and they are
remarkably free of human problems.
Because
Bowen's
concept
eliminates
the
concept
of
"normal," it has no direct connection with the presence or
absence
have
of
symptoms.
most
of
the
differentiation
But
human
the
people
problems
fewest.
with
and
There
the
most
those
can
with
be
intense fusion who manage to keep their lives
who
are
develop
life
never
subjected
symptoms,
and
adjustments
into
are
dysfunction,
permanent.
people
who
can
who
appear
and
if
also
fairly
stressed
into
most
people
with
in balance,
who
never
However,
their
they
can
are
be
well
do
the
stress,
normal.
impairment
are
be
severe
tenuous,
the
There
to
fusion
stressed
chronic
or
differentiated
dysfunction,
but
they
recover more rapidly.
Bowen did not
cold,
distant,
differentiated
mean that
rigid,
sphere,
reasoning
for
differentiated person is
and nonfeeling,
person
emotional
the
but
decisions
can
is
participate
free
that
but
to
shift
rather that
the
freely
the
in
to
calm,
logical
govern her /his
life,
whereas
the person with the most fusion is ruled by emotions.
117
Differentiation- emotional separation from one's family:
Murray
Bowen
speaks
of
the
"Undifferentiated
Family
Ego Mass''
(Goldenberg,
1980) which refers to the emotional
system
the
family
This
in
nuclear
concept
conveys
the
father,
idea
of
mother,
a
family
children.
emotionally
stuck together,
one where a conglomerate emotional oneness
exists.
undifferentiated
An
autonomy
in
individual
family
members.
doesn't
Roman
and
foster
Raley
( 1980)
state that:
In
healthy
the
rest
families,
of
autonomy,
the
the
the
family
world.
family
In
gathers
not
raise
Lack
world.
of
one's
is
of power and lack of trust.
An
unwilling
or
appropriate
to
unable
(See
age.
of
to
have
no
in
and
competence
closely
locks
previous
in
related
the
to
lack
12)
appears
"launch"
the
bridge
Staying close to home
(p.
undifferentiated family
a
who
everyone
sense
autonomy
as
families
the door to the outside world.
does
acts
to
the
be
one that
children
section,
at
is
an
Section
N,
page 110)
Children
emotionally
parents,
This
can
from
undifferentiated
"stuck,"
even
after
cause
all
or
emotionally
becoming
sorts
of
an
families
fused
adult
problems
and
in
often
to
one
remain
or
leaving
all
her/his life, and prevents optimum functioning.
both
home.
areas
of
118
Breaking Free:
Whether
parents
a
who
person
did
not
undifferentiated
autonomy,
one
family
remedy
for
Free"
gaining
choices,
had
fulfill
which
This
(1981).
to
It
not
be
the
is
and
or
nurturing
did
is
self-awareness
abusive
their
seems
"self-reparenting."
"Breaking
has
tasks,
permit
or
of
selection
an
individual
''self-parenting"
topic
a
neglectful
or
James'
of
book
exercises
self-understanding,
making
and acting on those choices.
Making Peace With Parents:
Many
of
the
here-and-now
their spouses,
are
children
happened
in
ex-lovers,
part
feelings
suppressed
when
unresolved
always
lovers,
were
they
to
they
become
the
a
belief
fulfilled
issues
parents.
in
In
necessary
life
is
that
order
to
hate,
annoyance,
desire
to
punish,
move on
forgiveness,
for
one's
self,
not
for
their
reappear
person
and
the
peace
p. 10)
one's
one
age,
must
parents,
sake
to
of
mind,
with
it
for
is
anger,
blame,
the
to
resolve
relationships
need
of
same
affect
resentments,
the
that
parents
to
1981,
with
contempt,
of
The
whatever
peace
for
partners or
incidents
with
from
with
reenactments
(Bloomfield,
derive
up
to
had
that
make
have
children.
creative
give
but
to
and
bosses,
from
''mysteriously''
their adult relationship.
Bloomfield's
people
emotional
stored
conflicts
seem
conflicts
and
parents,
better
119
relationships
in
and
life,
for
more
moment-to-moment
aliveness.
appears
It
parents
that
(resentments
emotional
from
the
undifferentiation
past
or
present
with
which
are
constantly being activated and reactivated and which cause
problems in the here-and-now)
Bowen
(Goldenberg,
emotions
rule
the
1980)
is closely allied with what
calls
intellect.
''fusion,''
Until
one
in
can
which
the
differentiate
from parents, one's mind and body are subjected to harmful
physical and emotional symptoms of
become
and
clouded,
blood
stress
muscles
pressure
of
unresolved
health
serious
may
may
stress.
become
rise,
tense,
heart
and eventually
emotional
problems
Thinking
hurts
(such
can
as
problems
and reduced
"the
chronic
to
ulcers,
cancer,
vitality"
race
contribute
hypertension and heart disease), career and
marital
may
may
job conflicts,
(Bloomfield,
1983,
p. 23).
Bloomfield
practical
anger,
whether
exercise
is
listing
your
the parent's
go
of
living
the
offers
a
large
variety
of
very
information and exercises to help one move from
resentment,
mind,
(1983)
and
the
to
parents
write
own
parents
a
regrets
lifetime,
"if
guilt,
only's."
and
how
to forgiveness
are
living
letter
to
for
what
in order
Other
to
and other difficult parents.
deal
or
the
you
and peace of
deceased.
deceased
did
not
do
One
parent
during
to overcome guilt and let
exercises
with
have
martyrs,
to
do
with
dictators,
120
Bloomfield's
differentiation
hidden
actual
exercises
resentments
freedom
and
differentiation
peace
in
of
release
to
order
to
involves
resentments
regain
These
mi.nd.
process
one's
exercises
and
emotional
can
be
used
whether the parent is living or dead:
(1) Make a list of all resentments you feel
toward each of
your
hurt
parents,
\dth
each
painful
memory
or
described
as specifically and detailed as possible.
(2) Visualize
resentments,
your
parents
acknowledging
hearing
your
pain,
your
and
list
of
accepting
your
feelings.
(3) Write
a
letter
to
each
of
the
parent,
as
it
is
for your own benefit,
(4) Verbalize
someone
you
willing
to
can
sit
you
left-hand
still
in
forgiving,
"No
I
to
written
for
and/or
be
listen
feel
two
the
read
parent,
your
supportive
to
but
letter
someone
without
you
Then
resistance
columns
first
column,
(mom/dad),"
get
all
and to gain release.
trust
suggests making
and
not
feelings
and
relating
to
who
is
interrupting
or
This person should not be one of your parents.
judging.
( 5) I f
these
parents,
This letter is not to be sent
your resentments and hurts.
to
your
write
touch with
and write
don't,
because
writing ''I forgive
on
a
the
forgive
your
this in
gut
of
Bloomfield
In
paper.
salutation,
you,"
response
the
still
forgiving,
sheet
write
"I
I'm
to
close
of
your
of
"Dear
eyes
resistance
right-hand column,
afraid
the
you."
to
e.g.,
Continue
you,'' and follow with other reasons for
121
your
resistance
to
forgiving
until
you
have
run
out
of
responses, and you have written three ''I forgive you's" in
a
row
and can honestly say
there are no
contradictory or
resentful comments in response.
(6) As
a
sit
completion,
visualize
parent
your
way,
understanding
down,
close
accepting
and
your
your
forgiveness
with
responding
eyes,
and
in
empathy
an
and
kindness.
Parenting Yourself:
Crucial
to
peace
making
discovering
that
health
happiness.
and
you
with
are
responsible
As
an
parents
your
adult,
is
for
your
own
you
have
the
opportunity to become your own best nurturer, coach and
guide
the
elsewhere.
parents
learn
one
may
have
been
looking
for
Instead of complaining about the ways your
didn't
to
you
live
give
up
to
yourself
your
what
expectations,
you've
been
you
can
missing.
(Bloomfield, 1983, p. 194)
Bloomfield advises ''parenting" yourself with a balance
of
acceptance
and
self-discipline,
yourself and your own uniqueness;
your
own
rather
happiness;
than
in
a
talking
critical
to
by
appreciating
becoming responsible for
yourself
way;
in
setting
a
loving
limits
on
way
your
behavior by saying "no" to self-destructive habits such as
procrastination,
criticism;
of
your
drug
forgiving
own life
and
abuse,
yourself
seeing
alcoholism
for
that
or
mistakes;
your
chronic
taking
personal
selfcharge
needs get
122
met rather
and
take
than expecting or waiting for
care
of
you;
treating
others
yourself
to rescue
with
respect.
Other principles of self-parenting include seeing problems
as
opportunities;
expectations
and
for
progress;
children,
affirming
yourself;
learning
as
you
learn
yourself;
setting
acknowledging
realistic
your
to
be
a
good
parent
to
be
a
good
parent
successes
to
your
to
own
yourself.
Bloomfield concludes his book by saying:
Making peace with your
parents is at
the very core of
the
an
of
human
love and
and
experience:
be loved,
our
families
adventure
the
heart,
to
We must make peace with ourselves
if
we
(Bloomfield, 1983, p.
are
to
make
peace
on
Earth.
218)
Summary:
Persons with a
feelings
easily
and
are
and
differentiation
generally
are
more
remarkably
between
stable,
free
of
less
human
Differentiation from one's family of origin and
recognition
a
degree of
intellect
stressed,
problems.
fosters
high
of
one's
own
high degree of
and intellect.
personal
value
and
uniqueness
differentiation between feelings
These are people with high self-esteem who
are not apt to have an undifferentiated family ego mass in
their
own
nuclear
family
when
they
marry
and
have
children.
People with
a
high
degree
of
fusion
and intellect are ruled by their emotions,
dependent on others,
between
feelings
are emotionally
are easily stressed into dysfunction,
123
and
they
have
most
of
the
human
problems.
They
tend
come from undifferentiated parents who have a high
of fusion,
the
same
and tend to form
also
people
with
poor
They
do
have
a
image
not
tends
to
who
are
undifferentiated
self-concept
solid
degree
their own nuclear families in
People
pat terns.
to
sense
fluctuate,
of
and
low
self,
depending
on
self-esteem.
and
the
are
their
self-
persons
with
whom they have emotional involvement.
P. GOALS
You have to take life as it happens,
but you should try to make i t happen
the way you
I< ant
to take it.
(An old German Saying quoted by Campbell, 1974, p. 5)
An
and
getting
in
future
our
essential
-
in
taking
personal
needs
step
setting
lives
by
reasonable
choice
rather
and
charge
met
of
is
to
reachable
than
by
own
one's
for
plan
goals.
chance
life
can
the
Living
greatly
increase the quality of life.
It is impossible to
we want out of life,
wants,
needs,
and
set any goals
unless we
know what
and our goals should reflect our own
values
not
those
imposed
on
us
by
anyone else.
Scott
( 1980) says
that
the first
is to make a "Wants Inventory."
lists:
''What I
step
in making
goals
She recommends making two
Want More Of,'' and ''What I Want Less Of,''
124
thinking
in
terms
personal
life,
and
accomplishments
1wrk,
recreation,
including
ideas
of
and
lifestyle.
that
Scott
with
something
twenty
items
"Hore
listed
in
Of,"
and
each
column.
you want
central
11eek,
most,
to your
then
Next,
my
be.
help
life.
compare
most often,
making
to
clarify
and
Make such
a
the
lists
and
until
have
looking
back
circle those
that
update
list
see
balance
you
Then
over the items in "\.Jant Hore Of" column,
to
recommends
"Less Of,"
continue
and
relate
further
that each time you list something under
it
business,
what
is
every day
which
really
for
items
one
appear
and which items are circled more often.
she
recommends
lists
of:
lifetime,
(2)
\.Jha t
(l )
\vhat
By seeing what
answeri.ng
I
I
most
v;ant
you want
two
my
in
want
big
questions
by
to
accomplish
in
lifestyle
to
long-term
this
big picture,
it will
be easy to set short-term goals and objectives.
If you do
something
and
toward
long-term
your
lifetime
every
lifestyle
accomplishments
day
it
makes
your
your
work
meaningful and satisfying, and make you feel great.
One person who was having trouble deciding what choices
to
make
among
many
things
she
set her priorities after using
wanted
to
do,
was
able
to
the "One Hundredth Birthday
Technique":
Imagine
that
you
are
on
your
one
reporter
name
your
most
being
hundredth
important
you like to answer
interviewed
by
birthday
accomplishments.
this question?
a
and
newspaper
asked
How
Be specific.
to
would
Would
125
you
li.ke
to
say
Made
foundation?
seller?
Become
children?
Campbell
rna k e
a
a
( 1974)
kinds
of
a
successful
1980,
pp 77,
says "If
113).
goals:
( 1)
These
changes
will
flexible.
next
should
occur.
(2)
five
years or
life
de~~iled,
be
The
long-range
so.
(3)
about
one month
Short-range goals
to
one
year
from
or
not
you
covering
more
are
from
about
control
goals.
(5)
minutes
you
to
have
well,
reaching
over
one
them.
day
these
Hicro-goals
an
hour.
direct
and then
to
goals
are
These
make
should
remain
the
of
or the next step in
cover the period from
You can
tell fairly
Hini-goals
one
month.
than
over
are
You
these
only
goals
If
you
plan
your
those
much
long-range
the
the
them,
have
the
covering
toward
set
soon whether
(4)
goals
progress
many
covering
are
control.
too
to
particular kind
now.
goals quite realistically and can
those
you wish
because
the
training or education you are seeking,
your career.
that
goals
They cover
making
goals
goals
goals
happen,
recommends
Lonc;-range
not
Hedium-ranoe
healthy
something to
He
concerned with the overall style of
li.ve.
two
best-
78)
you want
(p.
chari.table
\hitten a
Reared
astronaut?
l·.t"
f or
started
million dollars?
an
(Scott,
space
different
you'd
next
over
15
,;hich
mi.cro-goals
your
long-range
goals will take care of themselves.
Adams (1979)
for
personal
reasonable
recommends a
effectiveness.
and
reachable
six-step process in
~
goal
1.
that
involves
planning
selecting
accurately
a
reflects
126
what ..Y.£.1! want
what
-
not
someone
else
brainstormi.ng
step,
of
ideas,
your
what
wants
to
even
thi.nk you
for
and
the
~
longest
resources
includi.ng
should want
you.
develop
alternatives,
goal,
you
fantasy
to
II
or
is
a
possible
help you
and
-
"far
list
achieve
out"
ideas.
Step III
is evaluating each of the alternatives listed in
Step II,
and choosing one idea (or a combination of ideas)
that
fits
attaining
action,
your
situation,
and
your
goal.
~
listing
your
step.
carrying
~
plans
for
out
your
could
IV
you
what
~
be met.
that your goal will
action
In
that
be
a
prepare
you will
do
means
to
to
of
take
assure
'!_ is actually taking the
Action
Plan
of
'!_l is to evaluate your results -
the
to
previous
determine
if your plans are feasible and are being carried out,
what
changes
your
are
needed
in
your
planning,
or
even
in
goals.
Planning
for
personal
thought,
patience,
responsibility
for
actions
important
needs,
1979, p.
takes
and persistence.
assertive
(Adams,
effectiveness
our
life,
achieve
the
But when you
and
goals
rewards
time,
through
that
can
your
fulfill
be
take
own
your
significant.
204)
Summary:
Naking
plans for
chance,
improves
increase
your
yourself
is
your
the
quality
self-esteem.
one
way
own life
of
removes
of
Setting
taking
your
the element
life,
reasonable
responsibility
of
and
can
goals
for
for
your
127
life.
the most
goals
is
important factor
self-awareness -
value.
Self-awareness
in making life
knowing what
is
a
necessary
plans and
you want,
need and
factor
building
in
self-esteem.
Q.
AFFIRMATIONS
Webster's
(1976)
definition
of
affirm
is
''to
state
positively or with confidence," and affirmation means "the
act
of
affirming,
asserting
as
true,
or
confirming;
and
handbook,
a
positive assertion.''
In
the
context
is
affirmation
one's self,
a
of
this
positive
desires,
project
thought
goals,
of
Religious
affirmations
whatever
one
reinforced
beliefs
as
a
form
the
into
the
or
prayer.
is
first
subconscious
Fillmore
of
liberal
theory
thought
Or,
mind
the
The
a
word.
speaking
mind eventually accepts,
Charles
advocate
of
spoken
thinking
about
such as Science of the Mind,
etc.,
accomplishes
by
conscious
Science,
declaration
etc.
The New Thought religions,
Unity,
or
an
or
is
an
use
that
idea,
conversely,
the
affirmations
which
the
puts
conscious
believes, and acts on.
(1949),
a
assurance
is
respected
Unity
teacher
states:
To
decree
ideal
in
invisible,
time;
but
with
substance.
like
i.t
who makes it.
a
binds
The
promise
with
(p. 50)
to
establish
force
behind
to
fulfi.lled
its
be
invisible
the
and
fix
an
decree
is
at
chains
a
later
the
one
128
Although
religions,
such
they
psychological
concepts
have
found
forty-five
including
men
forty-five
a
volunteers
in
roots
and
Prayer
in
modern
confirmation
Therapy
at
in
the
Subjects of the first experiments
and
agnostics,
their
validity
experiments
University of Redlands.
were
have
women
from
minister,
were
many
and
walks
an
interviewed
of
life,
atheist.
The
and
divided
into
three equal groups of fifteen individuals each.
Group
l ::.
Psychotherapy.
psychological
treatment
counseling,
to
bring
disorders.
No
mention
fifteen
selected
definite
This
preference
specifically
possible,
to
for
group
in
light
of
was
offered the
weekly
and
was
this
category
for
psychotherapy
recommended
for
this
individual
remove
religion
type
emotional
made
either
best
and
the
expressed
or
of
had
a
been
treatment
by
their physicians.
Group II ::. Random Pray-ers.
all
faithful,
confidence
in
emotional
and
practicing
prayer
adjunct,
to
They
retiring
their
for
definite
ills,
and
nine
people in this group were
Christians,
a
felt
agreed
the
present
as
physical
unnecessary
pray.
The
to
do
concept
of
they
this
of
expressed
solution
believed
that
months
Each
prayer,
her /his
psychology
already
every
the
to
knew how
night
before
experiment,
with
the
an
using
specific
objective of overcoming their problems.
Group
III
two-hour
-
Prayer
class
in
Therapy.
Prayer
This
group
Therapy,
met
weekly
beginning
''the
for
a
first
129
investigation
result
to
ever
rigid
requirements
(Parker,
groups
three
prayer
the
searchlight"
The
in
women
were
whose
nervous
breakdowns
groups;
three
different
into
arthritics
and
p.
matched
physicians
were
three
had
and
the
as
its
academic
possible,
told
in
men
who
were
victims
them
each
were
groups,
asthmatics,
itself
of
nearly
placed
Others,
the
submit
12).
as
"ineffectual"
group.
possible
1957,
to
they
faced
the
three
of
each
i.e.,
placed
divided
as
in
nearly
were
ulcer
of
migraine
a
as
sufferers,
headache,
etc.
Five different psychological tests were given privately
to
each
individual
project by a skilled
the
experiment:
Apperception
Association
pre-tests
The
at
and
beginning
and
the
end
of
the
psychometrist who was not involved in
P-orschach Test,
Sentence
Test,
Tests.
the
At
the
post-tests
end
Szondi Test,
Completion,
of
nine
and
months,
were
analyzed,
the
65/;
improvement
in
Thematic
when
the
following
results were found:
Group
I
(Psychotherapy)
both
tests
and symptoms.
Group
II
(Random Pray-ers -
No
improvement in
symptoms or
tests.
Group
III
(Prayer
symptoms and tests,
The
methods
four points:
used
Therapy)
72%
improvement
in
both
including some dramatic healings.
in
the
Prayer
Therapy
group
i.ncluded
130
(1)
Praying
retiring
an
regularly,
and
the
emphasis
French
on
author
from
1651
life
because
first
he
Parker
a
Roman
1715,
last
thing
thing in
Love.
and
to
the
who
"quietism,"
a
with
Fenelon,
archbishop
influence
before
always
Francois
Catholic
his
night
morning,
quotes
lost
favored
the
at
who
in
a
lived
religious
religious
movement
that denied the value of conventional religious practices:
"Accustom yourself gradually to carry prayer into all your
daily occupations.
Speak,
move,
work
were in prayer" (Parker, 1957, p.
( 2)
Making
theory
.1!..!1
prayer
behind
act
complete
seeming
faith.
trust
One
lovingly,
Therapy
were
already
group was
given
but
were
to
outer
taught
waiting
(Parker,
1957,
taught
to
use
for
stop blaming
as
condition.
"What
ignorance,
therefore
attitude there will
honesty.
well
known
one
if
may
they
have
surrender
to
to
p.
a
requires
God
fill
122).
you
can
the
vacuum
The
Prayer
self-knowledge
,,.as
themselves,
were
been
all blame will
be no time for
and
self-
allowed.
They
other people,
and
not
responsible
done
was
cease.
for
done
their
through
With this
new
regret and we can turn
up a new path immediately and start afresh" (Parker,
p. 126).
The
rigorous self-honesty and
self-condemnation
conditions
a
and
"presupposes
there
questionnaires
evaluation,
is
Complete
Surrender
with Good"
surrender
Something always rushes in to fill
emptiness.
complete
as if you
122).
surrender
the physical sciences.
the
of
in peace,
1957,
131
(3)
Making
negative
in the
prayer
prayer,
holding
their
suffering,
misery.
The
results.
The
affirmative
seeing
is that
while
Prayer
as
but
if
we
mind,
hold
negative
Therapy
and
they
the
group
they were
affirmations of
produces
was
positive
be,
positive
Faith,
thus
reacts
Love
Hope,
in
to
use
imagery
offering
If we hold guilt, fear,
subconscious
produce
taught
mental
to
used
directly
prayer will
prayer
desired
food to the subconscious.
conscious
symptoms
declaring that
positive
statements
themselves
Pray-ers
sinful, and unworthy -
theory
negative results,
Random
unhappy
focus of their attention,
unhappy,
our
The
positive.
hate in
accordingly,
the
center
of
attention, the subconscious will act upon these.
(4)
Making
prayer
factor
in
taught
what
This
receptive.
Prayer
The
Therapy.
the
Random
is
the most
Prayer
Pray-ers
Therapy
were
not
important
group
aware
was
of
without being able and willing to accept the desired good,
the
that
act
of
prayer
the
Prayer
remains
Therapy
conditions
they
forgiveness,
courage,
that
they
open
incomplete.
group
desired,
their
abundance,
important
know
what
positive
it
was
harmony,
friendship,
consciousness
they affirm and visualize
that
they
and
was
whether
that
believe
It
expect
with
that
they
that
as
if
what
they
receptiveness;
will
that they accept it within
act
etc.;
their good being received;
they pray for;
they
health,
desire
receive
themselves;
has
already
what
and
been
132
achieved.
This
is
what
( 1957)
Parker
called
both
"the
secret and the miracle'' (p. 141).
I
refer
fully
to
the
La1v
of
described in Chapter II,
you
behave
Expectations
Section E,
"The way you think about a
project:
way
again
expect
vis-a-vis
it
to
that
turn
out,
was
page 36 of this
situation,
will
situation"
which
i.e.,
the
how
you
pp
56,
determine
(Lederer,
1981,
57).
(1961)
Simeons
provides
for the Law of Expectation,
the
physiological
explanation
in that the cortex part of the
brain (the conscious part) sends signals to the brain stem
(the
more
primitive
simply responds to
the
thinking is
reactions,
reactive
of
the
brain)
which
the conscious thoughts and beliefs.
negative,
whereas
part
if
the
the
body
thinking
If
responds with
negative
is
the
positive,
body
and senses respond accordingly.
Summary:
It
that
has
been
positive
surrender,
determined
prayer,
and
when
through
done
receptiveness,
experimental
research
regularity,
honesty,
with
can
bring
about
the
good
that is desired.
It has been further found (and there is a physiological
basis
for
these
affirmations
(praying
already
received
been
findings)
as
or
though
what
accomplished)
bringing desires into fruition and
reality.
that
positive
is
plays
spoken
desired
a
part
has
in
in bringing thoughts to
133
In summary - DESIRE, AFFIRM, BELIEVE, ACHIEVE.
R. HABITS
Habits are
one
knows
repeated
formed
exactly
in
by
repetition and
how
order
to
many
times
become
habit,
a
reinforcement.
behavior
but
it
is
No
must
be
easier
to
make a habit than to break one.
We are born, as no other animal is born, with unlimited
potential;
survival
we
alone
under
all
can
learn
habits
conditions.
And
essential
we
have
not
to
only
adjusted to all environments, we have mastered them and
have
even created new ones.
that
we
need
to
make
us
We can
the
learn the
people
we
habits
want
to
be
(Stiller, 1977, p. 135)
Mursell
of acting,
(1953)
says
that
habits are
standardized ways
He states that there is
feeling, and thinking.
no reason to believe that good habits cannot be formed and
maintained
just
as
easily
and
Bad
are
the
result
of
habits
effectively
trial
and
as
error,
bad
and
ones.
they
just "happen,'' whereas good habits are formed as a result
of
intelligent
guidance,
own reflective insight.
control
is
through
and
such
guidance
can
be
one's
He believes that the key to habit
a
better
understanding
of
our
own
purposes, a clear understanding of ourselves, and that the
actual
reorganization
clarifying
states:
our
of
purpose
habit
and
can
using
be
brought
our
brains.
about
by
Mursell
134
Habits are tools for living.
life.
They are the machinery of
They are formed for a purpose.
purpose.
they maintain themselves
They exist for a
for
a
purpose.
(p.
53)
A person lives effectively when he uses
the full,
his powers
to
and to use his powers to the full he needs a
well-adjusted,
smooth-running machinery of living.
(p.
305)
Your
life
counts.
is
You
your
can,
own,
and
and
indeed
it
is
you
your
life
that
certainly will,
make
your own success or failure in life, without reference
to
anybody
beyond
else
in
world,
to
any
standards
well-functioning.
Failure means crippled functioning.
What is to happen
your
case
Success
or
means
in
yourself.
the
depends
profoundly
on
your
habits.
(p.
308)
Maltz (1960)
responses
without
which we
having
learned,
in
feeling
and
situations.
ways
to
the
by taking
by
have
learned
think
past,
or
that
thinking
to
perform
decide.
certain
were
of
attitudes,
feel,
encounter what we
automatically
Each
appropriate
we continue to think,
whenever we
situations.
then
says that habits are merely reactions and
to
us
has
ways
of
certain
and act the same
interpret
as
the
same
Habits can be modified, changed, or reversed,
the
trouble
practicing
the
to
make
new
a
conscious decision -
response
or
behavior.
and
Maltz
135
believes
our
habits
are
like
garments
worn
by
our
personalities:
We have them because they fit .\!..@.·
They are consistent
with our self-image and our entire personality pattern.
When
we
consciously
better habits,
and
deliberately
develop
new
and
our self-image tends to outgrow the old
habits and grow into the new pattern.
(p. 108)
136
CHAPTER III
HANDBOOK
SECRETS OF SELF-ESTEEM
WITH
A 30-DAY PROGRAM FOR SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT
137
with
A 30-day Program for
Self Esteem Development
Shirley J. Mangini
138
Dedi.cated
.!:.£ Judy,
who showed me the value of this program
in overcoming the effects of low selfesteem parenting, and in overcoming
addictions.
And
.!:.£
~
adult children,
John, Carolyn, Karen,
and Susan,
who have had the challenge of overcoming
low self-esteem parenting.
Copyright 1985 by Shirley J. Mangini
All Rights Reserved
ii
139
SECRETS OF SELF-ESTEEM
WITH
A 30-DAY PROGRAM FOR SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT
CONTENTS
HANDBOOK
PAGE
INTRODUCTION
PART A - SELF-ESTEEM
----
SECRETS
PROJECT
PAGE
1
141
5
145
1.
What is Self-Esteem?
6
146
2.
Secrets of High Self-Esteem Parenting
8
148
14
154
PART B - SECRETS
----
ABOUT HOW SELF-ESTEEM IS DAMAGED
-
-
3.
Low Self-Esteem Parenting
16
156
4.
Helplessness, Hopelessness, and Depression
21
161
s.
Power and Self-Esteem
26
166
6.
Manipulation and Passive-Aggressiveness
34
174
7.
Uppers and Downers
45
185
8.
Low Self-Esteem Thi.nking
49
189
9.
Stress, Health, and Self-Esteem
53
193
10.
Loss, Mourning, and Grieving
62
202
73
213
PART
- KNOWING YOURSELF
- -C11.
Assessing Your Losses
iii
74
214
140
12.
Discovering Your Strengths
78
218
13.
Who/What Do You Value?
82
222
14.
Your Own Code of Ethics
86
226
15.
Deciding What You Want
90
230
16.
How Assertive Are You?
96
236
17.
Standing Tall and Acting "As if"
107
247
18.
The Law of Expectations (Re-Training Your
Subconscious)
110
250
19.
Hugging For Health
116
256
120
260
PART D - YOUR 30-DAY PROGRAM FOR SELF-ESTTEM
DEVELOPME~
-
iv
141
INTRODUCTION
an
As
instructor
assertiveness,
in
of
workshops,
stress
management,
communication
skills,
etc.,
into
with
wide
contact
different kinds
a
of
stop letting people
gain
more
and
as
a
variety
challenges.
parent as they can be.
courses,
parenting
people
Some want
to
and
families
into
Beneath
which
others
esteem
their
abuse,
own
job
the
them.
many
good a
Some want
Families
lives.
to
and
which creates
People who abuse
low
are
drugs
and
the
low
in
alcohol
to solve their problems in a bottle,
1
our
of
the
from
Self-
society.
spousal
children and
problems.
self-esteem
are seeking
pill,
of
problem
conflicts,
problems
low
tip
self-esteem.
self-esteem
often
individuals
the
basic
marital
and behavior
bring
only
epidemic
such as
really
difficulties
is
seems
which
are
surface,
originate
problems,
are
problems
counseling
child abuse,
adolescents
and
the
deficiency
Relationship
with
Some want to be more assertive and
over
that
i.ceberg.
all
come
problems, and challenges.
believe
I
and
I
be as
individuals in crisis are severely stressed,
more crises,
seminars
therapist,
of
take advantage of
control
and
Career
problems.
confidence
"joint," "fi.x,"
142
or
"line,"
and
sometimes
their
problems
end
as
their
life ends.
Some
counseling
responsibility
for
clients
their
own
assume
therapy
much
for
of
the
getting
well.
They work hard and progress rapidly through therapy to the
point of closure.
Other
clients,
This is very satisfying to a
whose
problems
and/or less significant,
may
appear
therapist.
to
be
to
change,
make
waiting
for
for
them
other
someone
better.
fewer
move through therapy like snails,
They seem
making little or no progress from week to week.
to
be
people
or
to
change,
something
This
is
for
situations
outside themselves
extremely
frustrating
to
and
discouraging for a therapist.
What is the difference?
is
the
clients'
therapy esteem
level
of
I
believe the primary factor
self-esteem when
low self-esteem for the snails,
for
the
fast-movers.
The
they
come
into
and higher self-
snails
need
first
to
develop self-esteem before they can begin to resolve their
problems.
Sometimes,
teacher,
skills
helping
and
it
"takes,"
do
as
a
as
a
therapist,
clients and
problem-solving
with
the
therapist
is
families
skills.
snails
it
listen
2
I
also
need
learn
With
doesn't.
carefully
be
a
communication
the
fast-movers
Another
and
to
help
thing
I
clients
143
understand their feelings and thoughts.
Fast-movers solve
their
me
own
board.
fairly
quickly
with
as
a
sounding
Snails take much longer.
I
help
problems
believe
clients
that
find
self-esteem.
my
primary
job
as
self-acceptance,
As
well-known
a
therapist
treat -
therapist
is
self-confidence,
professor
University is reported to have said:
conditions
a
at
to
and
Harvard
''There are only two
anxiety and low self-esteem.
And they are probably the same thing.''
From my own experience,
I
know that when I
feel good
about myself it is easier to love and accept other people.
When
my
only
challenges.
esteem
self-esteem
level
is
Yet
was
high,
during
low,
there
long
every
are
no
periods
little
"problems"
when
my
problem
selfbecame
magnified into a crisis.
With high self-esteem I
complete.
With
low
feel full,
self-esteem
I
feel
whole, strong, and
empty,
powerless,
hopeless, and depressed.
I'm
sure
feelings -
you
have
experienced
many
both the highs and the lows.
wondered, as I
of
these
same
Perhaps you have
did, not only what causes the low feelings,
but what to do about it.
That is the purpose of this book the
secrets
about
high
self-esteem
3
and
to help you learn
low
self-esteem,
144
and to learn how to increase your own self-esteem.
included a
I have
30-day program of self-esteem development.
is a very simple program,
but
not easy,
It
especially if you
are coming from a very low place on the self-esteem scale.
It
may
require
actions,
even
in
your
and changes are always
frightening.
unless
or
changes
No
one
situation
outweighs
the
and
uncomfortable -
makes
the pain and discomfort
thinking
of
changes
in
in
your
sometimes
themselves
their present condition
risks
and
the
temporary
discomfort of change.
You are
better life.
now ready
to
begin
Enjoy!
4
an exciting
journey
to a
145
PART A
--
SELF-ESTEEM SECRETS
This
esteem.
book promises
to
tell
you
the
I
to
keep
you
in
don't
want
secrets of
suspense,
selfso
I'm
going to tell you these secrets in Part A and Part B.
Part A will tell you what self-esteem is and where i t
comes
from.
Part
self-esteem
B will
can
be
information will
help
is or is not at a
tell
you
about
or
damaged,
many
ways
diminished.
you understand why
high level.
the
This
your self-esteem
If your self-esteem is low
you will learn what happened to diminish it.
Part
own
C will
self-esteem,
lay
the
with
a
groundwork
variety of
for
increasing
exercises
to
your
help
you
know more about yourself.
All
also
of
help
this
you
development
in
information
understand
Part
D,
in
the
and
Parts
A,
exercises
make
the
B,
for
program
and
C will
self-esteem
easier
to
follow.
If your
self-esteem is so
difficult to read only
one
chapter
at
deficient
that you
to think and concentrate a
time,
or
even
one
find
please read
page at
a
time,
and absorb only a small part of the book at any one time.
5
it
146
CHAPTER 1
WHAT IS
-----
Self-esteem
everyone
wants
is
that
and
SELF-ESTEEM?
wonderful,
needs,
and
function at his or her highest
esteem
has
been
described
respect,
self-confidence,
When
you
have
you,
and
you
without
and
as
a
and
a
that
you
quality
which
no
that
one
best potential.
combination
feeling
high self-esteem you
feel
nebulous
are
matter-
of
Self-
of
self-
self-worth.
glad
that
can
that
the
you are
world
is
a
better place just because you are here.
If
self-esteem
feeling
of
alcohol,
emptiness
drugs,
relationships,
emptiness
filled
is
attract
and
for
low,
which
a
some
forms
bottomless
with
love
themselves
the
deficiency
people
excessive sex,
other
like
need
to
food,
People
up.
enormous
is
are
of
hole
who are also seeking to
neither
love
enough
for
which
the
fill
a
him/herself,
with
But
the
never
be
have
an
deficiency
but
a
destructive
can
who also have
deficiencies,
has
fill
addiction.
intimacy,
those
to
gambling,
self-esteem
and
try
creates
people
they
self-esteem
void.
they
Since
cannot
possibly fulfill one another.
The
esteem
purpose
so
you
of
will
this
love
book
is
to
yourself,
6
rebuild
be
your
responsible
selffor
147
yourself,
with
and
negative
no
longer
seek
desperately
people,
destructive
have
high
to
activities,
fill
and
a
void
harmful
substances.
When
attract
you
people
into
a
your
level
life
producing, and truly loving.
7
of
who
self-esteem
are
positive,
you
will
growth-
148
CHAPTER 2
SECRETS OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM PARENTING
There
are
self-worth.
that
no
genes
to
give
children
But psychologists and
parents can foster
the
the
feeling
researchers
have
of
found
development of self-esteem in
their children under the following conditions:
1.
If
the
parents
have
high
self-esteem
themselves.
Parents cannot give to their children what they themselves
do not
of
have.
their
Parents with high self-esteem are convinced
own
strength
more
accepting of
lead
active
children
as
and
others,
personal
their
self-esteem parents
competence,
including their
lives
major
have
they
control of
expect
are
generally
children.
do
not
upon
their
sources
of
gratification.
High
the
and
rely
They
and
confidence and
provide their children with clear,
behavior
and
definite
desire.
their own lives don't
conviction to
ideas of what
Parents
who
are
in
have the need to control
the lives of others, including their children.
2.
If
because
the
child
she/he
is
loved,
exists.
sincerely interested in
their
child's
themselves
welfare.
on their
Warm
valued,
and
and
accepting
their child and
They
are
child's behalf,
8
cherished
and
just
parents
are
are concerned
for
willing
to
exert
are loyal sources
149
of
affection
child,
who
and
is always
behavior,
which
unacceptable.
being
is
her/his
value,
can
support.
may
child 1 s
the
errors
are
as
clearly
loved,
be
of
personal
less
areas
separate
from
child's
inappropriate
and/or
cherished
worth
are not
just
is
not
tied
to
overwhelming,
for
the
the
being
When mistakes
mistakes
view
and
sometimes
benefit
behavior.
the
accepted
The
that
They
growth
and
for
tied
to
personal
the
rather
child
than
as
on
the
personal catastrophies.
If
3.
parents
behavior
of
feelings,
clearly
the
nor
define
child,
on
but
the
acceptable
benefit,
and
to
to
for
limits
the
development
themselves
what
to
they
treat
of
who
and
for
the
of
not
expression
the
of
personality.
you and
good
a
definite
their
children,
society."
must
harshly,
unique
have
behavior,
and
and
I
are
Rules
not
be
the
li.mit
individual.
who
a
your
appropriate
not
values,
who
for
Rules must
special,
appropriate
9
of
child.
and
have
children
acceptable
rational,
the
child as
as
on
''I care about
the
inflexible,
regard
their
is
reasonable,
maturity
and
limits
developing
child:
what
and
be
enforce
am very clear about what behavior is
and
mine,
and
arbitrary
Parents
me
must
age
I
not
child's
Rules and limits say to a
care about myself.
and
understand
clear
idea
have
less
more
likely
of
need
to
150
rear
children who
children
are
value themselves as individuals,
likely
peers,
are
often
openly
expressing
to
seen
be
socially
as
leaders,
opinions,
accepted
and
and
by
are
can
Their
their
capable
accept
of
criticism
without feeling guilty or devalued,
4.
If
the
respect
child
their
vindictive,
their
or
but
at
"property"
thoughts,
the
are
Parents
are
not
guide
time
limits
child as a
the
who
harsh,
lives
they
accept
that
they
separate,
of
and
have
unique,
not as an extension of the parent,
meeting
the
or possessions
personhood,
same
They treat the
feelings,
They
the
within
means of
respect.
individuality
autonomous individual not as a
with
powerseeking.
dissent
established.
treated
child's
children,
tolerate
is
of the
needs,
treated
parents'
and
needs,
parents.
desires,
with
and
not as
Children whose
as
well
consideration
and
as
their
respect
learn to respect themselves and others.
Being
When
people
~
Good Parent to Yourself
become
adults
they
the same ways their parents treated
"self-parenting.''
If
outlined
above
are
esteem.
If
failed,
you
not,
you
no
perhaps
treat
them.
themselves
This is called
grew
up
under
the
doubt
a
person
of
you
can
see
in
where
conditions
high
your
self-
parents
and begin to build corrections into your own self10
151
In this way you can increase your own self-esteem
parent.
through "self-reparenting."
Here are
a few suggestions to
help you get started:
Do
you
are
not
so,
start
talking
your
indulge
healthy
for
setting
about
own
yourself
in
you,
others,
for
limits
someone
on
activities
that
you
your
else's
well-thought-out
activiti.es
or
own
rules,
will
for
but
If
I'm
limits
good
know
society?
Choose
be
you
behavior.
values.
know
that
not
based
on
behavior
and
you
for
for
and
society,
Realize
that
you
are
a
unique,
You have made mistakes in the past,
mistakes in the future.
are
themselves.
are
you,
who
Realize
and
mistakes.
those
you
The
You
are
never
that
have
individual.
and will no doubt make
But mistakes are not sins -
are learning experiences.
mistakes
valuable
a
only
take
you
have
right
to
lovable
and
people who
risks
or
value
take
risks
valuable,
never make
set
just
and
they
goals
for
because you
and
to
make
you
deserve
the best that life has to offer.
Finish
Find
activities
if you are a
of
this
your
own
competent.
book
that
parent.
life,
and
you
complete
enjoy,
all
apart
Little by little,
so you
can
exercises.
your
children
take more control
grow stronger
Treat yourself with
11
from
the
and
the same respect
feel
that
more
you
152
give
to
the
people
you
like
and
respect
most
in
this
ensure
high
world.
Helping Your Children Have High Self-Esteem
If
you
are
self-esteem
know
to
a
for
do
parent,
your
this
Effectiveness
children.
is
and
accept
respect.
You
will
and
children
ways,
own
and
your
learn
to
stop
their
needs
a
or
You
variety
how
of
to
of
and
will
resolve
parenting
telephone book.
them
between
to
get
how
in
I
Parent
learn
behavior,
learn
ways
to
with
the
your
without
to
get
creative
skills which
will
The course is based on the book
It
the
how
conflicts
is
over
will
treat
learn
You' 11
best
called
differentiate
by Dr.
all
the
You
"Parent Effectiveness Training"
taught
to
course
unacceptable
other
give you self-confidence.
a
children
self-esteem.
met,
want
P.E.T.
to
change
will
One
take
or
the· behavior.
diminishing
your
to
Training,
understand
child
you
world.
may
Thomas Gordon,
be
listed
in
and
your
Effectiveness Training headquarters is at
531 Stevens Avenue, Solana Beach, California 92075.
12
153
A CHILD'S PLEA FOR AUTONOMY
(Author unknown)
Please let me grow as I be,
And please do understand
Why I want to grow like me.
Not like my mother wants me to be,
Nor like my father hopes I'll be,
Or like my teacher thinks I should be.
Please understand and help me grow,
Just
like
me!
13
154
PART B
---SECRETS ABOUT HOW SELF-ESTEEM IS DAMAGED
The
quality
of
parenting
you were
growing
up
was
esteem.
If your parents were immature and
the
parenting,
job of
major
they may
unsure
of
themselves.
stress
or
deprivation,
their
attention
focus
a
which
they
and
experienced
influence
have
they
If
you
energy
your
self-
unprepared for
been overwhelmed and
lived
may
on
when
not
in
have
on
situations
of
able
to
been
other
anything
than
survival.
parents
your
If
themselves
they
could
in their children.
had
not
have
inadequate
fostered
high
self-esteem
If they themselves were the victims of
low self-esteem parenting,
or
deficiencies
self-esteem
parents,
they
of
neglect,
did
not
abuse,
learn
of
good
unloving
parenting
skills.
If any of
these conditions existed for
your
parents,
you may not have had an opportunity to attain a high level
of self-esteem in your childhood.
Perhaps you were reared under ideal circumstances and
you grew to maturity with a good,
value
period
and
worth,
of
stress
but
and
you
may
adversity
14
solid sense of your own
have
which
had
has
an
overwhelming
diminished
your
155
innately
good
In
self-esteem.
this
section
we
will
examine these and other reasons for low self-esteem.
The
esteem,
good
news
is
that
whether you were a
or of adverse circumstances.
you
can
rebuild
your
victim of inadequate
self-
parenting
This book will show you how.
15
156
CHAPTER 3
LOW SELF-ESTEEM PARENTING
Self-esteem
parental
does
rejection,
as
of
no
universally,
children,
unlovable,
have
neglect,
abuse,
of
conditions
disrespect,
overinvolvement,
or unclear communication.
Almost
abused
under
overindulgence,
overprotection,
domination,
thrive
not
with
a
positive
their
own
abusive
and
they
very
low
parents
grew
up
sense
of
parenting skills
parents,
so
they
were
feeling
themselves
unloved
They
self-esteem.
because
of
continue
the
to
and
examples
perpetuate
families of children who feel unloved and unlovable.
Sometimes
children are
with
their
opposite
who
so fearful
own
of
children
direction.
overindulgent,
children
parents
excessively,
or
may try
to continue
with
advice,
domination,
time,
"nurturing"
are
abused
repeating
that
they
They
may
or overpossessive.
They
their
were
and
"rescuing."
over-cared-for
in
with
energy
such
lean
too
set
or neglect
far
in
the
restrict their
limits
their adult
unncessary
because
suffer
as
overprotective,
no
Children,
ways
16
abuse
They may
may
neglected
the
be
"parenting"
and
money,
with
they
or
at
children
giving
they
and
from
all.
confuse
adults,
low
of
who
self-
157
esteem
this
because
makes
them
feel
inadequate
and
incompetent to do whatever they need to do for themselves.
Some parents fail
They
"persons."
to realize
view
their
that
their children are
children
as
possessions, as extensions of themselves,
treat
their
their
children with respect.
children
fit
rather
than
unique
individuals.
molds
allowing
of
to
be
They
don 1 t
try
parents'
and
as
and they fail to
They may
the
them
objects,
to
conceptions,
grow
respect
to make
normally
their
as
children's
"personhood."
who
have
low
They
don't
know what
Parents
themselves.
or
They
value.
for
their
look
to
standards,
self-esteem
they
friends,
and
are
unsure
feel,
need,
neighbors,
are
fearful
and
of
want,
society
allowing
themselves or their children to risk individuality.
parents
who
permissive on
arbitrary
are
such
and
of
arbitrary
inflexible
or
do
matures.
guidance.
uncertain
their
own
not
Their
rules
impossible
change
as
the
and
restrictions
child
likely
look
to
may
be
or they may decide
enforce
to
children are
standards
and
These
standards
setting no limits at all -
difficult
restrictions
and
are
of
because
grows,
to
the
changes,
rebel
their
which
against
peers
for
They fail to perceive appropriate alternatives,
17
158
and,
like
their
parents,
they
bend
to
peer
pressures
because of their own low self-esteem.
Parents
children
by
who
use
power,
ordering,
and
try
threatening,
to
control
punishing,
preaching,
moralizing, and lecturing, are saying, in effect
incompetent,
incapable,
and inferior.''
their
''You are
And their children
feel incompetent, incapable, and inferior.
Blaming,
judging,
calling,
labeling,
verbally
and
bombarded
such
as
ridiculing,
excessive questioning,
psychologically
with
themselves
criticizing,
abusive.
belittling
bad,
and
worthless,
sarcasm are
Children
messages
learn
lazy,
name-
who
are
to
see
thoughtless,
inconsiderate, dumb, inadequate, unacceptable, etc.
In
clear,
to
heal thy
and
listen
empathy
direct.
to
and
unwilling
families,
to
their
communication
When parents
children's
are
or
communicate
their
if
and
parents
own
open,
unable or
feelings
understanding,
is
honest,
unwilling
thoughts
are
feelings,
with
unable
or
thoughts,
beliefs, needs, and values in clear, honest, ways, anxiety
is created in both parents and children.
in depression, negative ways of behaving,
low self-esteem.
18
This
and,
may result
of
course,
159
Some
parents
self-esteem
are
killer.
manipulative,
and
Manipulation
this
will
be
too
is
covered
a
in
Chapter 6.
Extremely
trauma,
such
physical
or
low
as
abuse
"stuck''
self-esteem
sexual
can
abuse,
result
moral,
in
social,
intellectual development.
an
adult
parenting and/or
gross
a
neglect,
child's
emotional,
and
may
or
delayed,
brutal
erratic,
spiritual,
For example,
chronologically,
childhood
and/or
the victim becomes
look
like
an
adult
physically, but inside, she/he views the world through the
perceptions of an anxious,
year-old,
fearful,
seven-year-old,
emotions
of
counseling
a
child
is
necessary
mature into full,
and
etc.,
that
age.
to
hurt,
or damaged four-
responds
Competent,
help
this
with
the
compassionate
person
grow
and
balanced, adulthood.
Children who are victims of low self-esteem parenting
not
only
have
under
self-concepts,
conditions
destructive
attracted
negative
to
which
with
relationships
they
grew up,
they
"love,''
that
thus
equate
these
are
often
and
include
the
reinforcing
conditions
the
deficient
self-esteem.
As
I
ourselves
parents
stated in
like
treated
we
Chapter
were
you
in
2,
we
treated
such
19
in
are
inclined to
childhood.
negative
ways
you
treat
If
may
your
be
160
treating
negative
low
yourself
and
in
the
destructive
self-esteem
same,
ways.
parenting,
you
or
If
will
in
other,
you
were
a
be
able
to
equally
victim
reparent
yourself by completing all the exercises in this book.
20
of
161
CHAPTER 4
HELPLESSNESS, HOPELESSNESS, AND DEPRESSION
Helplessness,
triplets,
have
and
with
low
low
self-esteem
self-esteem
depressed,
your
hopelessness,
inner
but
world,
without
if
those
then
low
and
their
shadow.
feeling
three
depression
You
helpless,
triplets
self-esteem
could
hopeless,
live
is
are
within
bound
to
be
there also.
A
large
subject
number
thoroughly
of
and
psychologists
have
found
have
that
studied
we
helpless as a result of events in our lives,
think
about
events
in
our
lives.
learn
this
to
be
or the way we
Victims
of
"learned
helplessness" have experienced a series of negative events
over which they
had
believe
able
they are
no control
to
-
control
or
at least
these
they
don't
negative events
-
and they blame themselves and feel inadequate.
There
is
a
difference
between
''powerlessness''
and
"helplessness":
Powerlessness
power
over
conditions.
rage
other
is
the
failure
people,
places,
to
be
able
things,
to
and
exercise
events
or
A feeling of powerlessness leads to anger and
because
people
who
seek
21
power
blame
events,
162
situations,
and
people
everything
outside
themselves
for their failure to exercise power.
Helplessness
inability,
failure
to
to
ourselves,
do,
I
is
the
control
what
control
e.g.,
our
"I try,
inability,
is
own
or
happening
lives
perceived
to
causes
us.
us
but no matter what I
This
to
blame
do or don't
can't stop whatever negative things are happening to
me.''
We feel hopeless, our self-esteem is lowered, and we
feel
depressed.
Eventually
we
become
can
cause
apathetic
and
we
well
as
give up.
Helplessness
depression.
depression
both?"
I'll
You
are
And
explain
also
are
not
you
probably
alike,
are
how
so
right
it
anxiety,
thinking
how
can
they
happens
that
as
"But
anxiety
helplessness
are
quite
both
and
cause
different.
are
caused
by
slightly varying aspects of helplessness:
When both negative and positive things happen to you,
and
you
are
unable
positive outcomes,
extra-alert,
trying
to
Should
I
this, or do that?".
either
you become anxious.
hard
to control the outcome,
left?",
control
go
to
figure
our
the
negative
or
It's like you are
what
to
do
to
try
e.g., ''Should I turn right or turn
today
or
tomorrow?",
Should
And no matter what you do,
have an influence on the turn of events -
22
I
do
you seldom
either positive
163
or
but
negative
you
keep
trying,
and
you
keep
on
being
anxious.
when
The
kind
you
are
matter
what
control
you.
all
This
of
you
do
these
or
depression
do
feeling
stop
trying
have
moved
depression
outcomes,
you
events
the
you
causes
negative
don't
negative
causes
that
~
experiencing
eventually makes
and
helplessness
that
of
and
no
unable
to
happening
to
seem
keep
hopelessness
anything at all.
into
your
inner
both
depression
is
that
Apathy
world,
along
with low self-esteem.
Some
and
people
sometimes
Perhaps
of a
they
it
do,
experience
seems
but what
person who feels
anxiety
and
that
they
occur
is more
and
at
likely
the
is
anxiety
same
that
time.
the mood
helpless probably alternates between
depression
from
instant
to
instant,
depending
on the situation or the person that she or he is facing or
experiencing individuals
seem
events
in
facing
them,
"What
our
should
situations
or
or
I
think
try
and
even
to
lives,
and
experiences,
them,
or even thinking about.
create
and
when
about
this
both
time?
people
seem
when
face
think
we
about
face
we
How
to
shall
cause
we
or
and
them,
feel
them,
them,
23
positive
we
them,
Some situations or
negative
anticipate
anxious,
I
act?"
only
Other
negative
anticipate
feel
e.g.,
facing
depressed
and
164
("What's
apathetic
depressed
that
it
mood
can
seems
we
the
use!").
change
are
or
So
alternate
experiencing
anxious
the
so
both
or
instantaneously
moods
at
the
same
ti.me.
With
risk,
but
both
the
anxiety
and
depression,
self-esteem is
the
more at risk
"self"
with
is
at
depressi.on
than with anxiety.
have
Scientists
damages
and
to
the
found
self-esteem,
learn;
it
emotional
disturbances;
the
and
brain
it disrupts
the
saps
nervous
helplessness
that
it
the
to
alters
chemical
system;
and
only
to
think
ability
motivation
the
not
act;
it causes
produces
it
make-up
stress,
of
which
lowers the body's immune system and contributes to ulcers,
heart disease, asthma,
It
is
against
the
that
pneumonia, cancer,
believed
that
susceptibility
they have plenty of
important
for
development
signals.
crying,
be changed,
the
is
be
depression
by
mental
if
saying
to be held,
a
baby
be
"I have
etc.).''
making
a
responsive
need
(to
sure
It
is
physical
and
becomes upset
etc.
"immunized"
with success.
health
environment
example,
baby
to
can
experiences
infants'
that
For
the
children
infections,
to
and
be
their
starts
fed,
to
It is very important that
a human being responds to that need by picking up the baby
24
165
and
attending
to
its
needs.
This
way,
the
baby
learns
that she/he has some mastery over her/his life.
Toddlers and older children can be given choices that
are
appropriate
in
which
each choice will have a successful outcome for them.
They
can
be
their
given
level
responsibility
to
their
age
and
responsibilities
of
development
can
be
their
that
are
and
successfully
ability,
appropriate
maturity,
carried
out,
so
for
the
allowing
them to feel good about their successes.
Having
growing
up
many
causes
experiences
with
success
children
have
high
to
be less vulnerable to depression later.
ways
to
help
your
children
succeed,
against depression.
25
as
they
are
self-esteem,
and
You can find many
to
"immunize"
them
166
CHAPTER 5
POWER AND SELF-ESTEEM
Power
evil.
is
Power
a
force
to
be,
high
self-esteem
high
self-esteem and
to exploit,
powers
that
and
powers
because
they
be
used
power
to
which
come
foster
intimidate,
can
love
for
and
from
good
be
the
or
for
loved,
are
position
self-esteem in others.
of
Power
and manipulate are low self-esteem
come
from
and
perpetuate
low
self-
esteem in self and in others.
The
-The
ability
self-esteem
treated
need
Power of Self-Affirmation
--
to
for
confirm
every
respectfully,
is
and
human
affirm
being.
recognized
significant,
the child accepts such
of
and
accepts
significant,
and
can
matters
sufficient
course,
with
turn
her/his
26
a
as
is
child
special
as
as a
and
a
is
and
matter
special
attention
energy,
to set and reach self-determined goals
life with high self-esteem.
If
treatment
him/herself
strength,
ourselves
to
and
other
motivation
and to live a
full
167
When
- Self-Affirmation -is Blocked
If a
child 1 s
parents'
you
kind of
certain
person,'' the
patterns
all
a
of
her/his
and
people
live
or
child
.2..!l1.Y.
a
compulsive
life.
Until
believe
their
in
lives
if
you
are
in
they
which
find
own
seeking
worth
approval
certain
the destructive
drives
ways
if the
only if
a
Self-affirmation
need
their
that is,
if you obey,
gets caught
"people-pleasing."
becomes
affirm
way,
blocked,
.2..!l1.Y.
pattern is "We love you
behave
person
self-affirmation is
to
for
the
this
person
legitimately
and
value,
and
such
affirmation
from all the people in their lives.
Some use
Different people do this in different ways.
flattery
coupled
manipulative,
unconsciously,
put
people
with
these
because
people
that the flattery will
down,
which
self-depreciation,
discount
and
berate
perhaps
hope,
be returned.
Others
trying
others
is
to
lower others' worth in an effort to increase their own.
Some
people
possessions,
give
hoping
to
their
time,
receive
money,
approval
which they are unable to give th,emselves.
and
giving
to
~
which is
not
27
a
and
affirmation
They are afraid
to say ''no," and they deny their own needs.
are
energy,
These people
loving kind
of
giving,
168
but
instead
fosters
others'
dependence
and
low
self-
esteem.
Still others who are unable
a
compulsive
higher
levels
successful.
is
drive
never
of
"succeed"
accomplishment.
They are
fully
affirmation
to
to affirm themselves have
seeking
satisfying,
which
is
to
reach
But
they
acclaim
because
lasting
is
acclaim from outside ourselves.
from
the
higher ·and
never
others,
only
feel
which
type
of
self-affirmation
not
Accomplishments which are
efforts to please others are hollow victories.
Destructive Power
When all efforts to get affirmation from others fail,
these
low
fear
self-esteem
become
sometimes
even
themselves
people
acting
aggressive.
become
and induce
They
violent,
fear
out
of
threaten,
trying
in others.
to
their
own
intimidate,
reduce
fear
Power over
in
others
is fear disguised as strength, and when power is used over
others,
spouses
broken.
it
destroys
divorce,
Intimacy
relationships.
employees
is
Children
and
quit,
impossible
when
relationship uses power over another.
28
leave
friendships
one
person
home,
are
in
a
169
~
Control
People
teachers,
in
positions
managers,
and
of
Influence
authority,
supervisors,
influence and motivate -
or to rule,
such
have
as
the
dominate,
parents,
option
to
and control
the people under them,
Low
option
they
have
fear,
and
they
themselves
this
people
afraid
are
intimidate,
threats
authority
self-esteem
and
and
destroy
because
that
will
the
by
or
they
they
if
be
control
promises,
figures
don't
rule
from
they
self-esteem
of
the
own
others,
They
coerce,
and
rewards,
punishment
manipulate
that
their
control
don't
controlled.
using
know
others.
people
These
in
their
lives.
High
authority
assurance
respect
self-esteem
will
model,
because
others.
leaders
motivate,
they
They
have
High
self-esteem
29
positions
and
self-confidence
the
foster
of
lead
with
and
they
difference
influence,
leaders
in others.
have
influence,
recognize
power by control and power by
latter.
who
between
and they use the
high
self-esteem
170
Controlling Ourselves vs.
People
lives
who
are
unable
or
for
this
compensate
control
others
workers,
etc.
commanding,
unwilling
their
They
Controlling Others
lack
of
children,
may
threatening,
use
to
control
control
by
spouse,
friends,
direct
punishing,
their
trying
means
etc.,
own
to
co-
ordering,
or
they
may
use
indirect manipulative means to control others.
You
happens
many
may
in
not
your
be
life,
things.
You
submissive,
able
but
can
to
you do
become
aggressive,
Assertiveness
respectful
what
and
influences
Assertiveness
what
you
happy.
lets
you
out
others
lets
help
focus
of
and
assertive
want,
to
the power
(as
you
on
yourself
life,
trying
instead
to
get
and
your
in
a
believe,
needs
and
of
to
passive-
know,
value,
get
change
opposed
or
others
need,
to
that
on
met.
getting
focusing
them
to
on
make
you
beliefs,
and
Assertiveness increases self-esteem.
You
can
expectations.
rewarding
better
others
want
controlling
you
have
everything
manipulative,
aggressive).
way,
control
also
your
attitudes,
Changing yourself is
than
chance
change
trying
at
to
control
succeeding
in
changing others.
30
not easy,
others,
changing
and
but
you
yourself
is more
have
than
a
in
171
Competitive Power
Competition
in
relationships
esteem and is highly destructive -
comes
from
low
self-
to the relationship and
to an already-low self-esteem.
Competitiveness
own
and
others'
being is
esteem
etc."
is
cannot
exist
specialness
different
based
from all
on
"which
and
when
human
of
us
then self-esteem cannot exist,
cannot
because
exist,
recognize
uniqueness.
other
one
you
Every
beings;
is
your
human
If
better,
self-
smarter,
and the relationships
competitiveness
comes
from
fear,
rather than from love of self and love of others.
Women and Power
Women are
in a
unique
position
because,
one
a
relationship
is
also
Feelings
of
is
dependent
vulnerable
to
being
powerlessness
and
on
another,
controlled
and as we saw in Chapter 4,
helplessness
can
to
anger,
low self-esteem.
31
the
anxiety,
past,
by
dependent
the
ineffectiveness
frightening,
lead
the
When one person
women did not have much legitimate power.
in
in
other.
can
be
powerlessness and
depression,
and
172
Women's
facade
Many
of
weakness,
women
in the
potential
see
themselves
the
husband,
themselves
as
is
dependency,
importance of
parents,
strength
as
and
people
hidden
attachment
important
children,
having
often
only
inside
to
as
others.
reflected
to whom they are attached
etc.
and
personal
power
except
self-esteem
value
in
any
a
they
don't
see
through
manipulating others.
There
is
a
strong
directed and self-responsible.
It
has
been
adjustment
difficult
because
it
themselves;
recognizing
and
what
knowing
making
whom
rather
they
have
and
taking
on
the
more
made
some
women
knowing
their
need,
than
there
means
they
decisions,
judgment
for
And
own
being
are also
to
and
and
action,
needs
and
important
and
this
understanding
and
value.
based
risks.
make
uniqueness
want,
self-
It
on
means
their
values
more
worth;
of
own
others
significant
than themselves.
For
men
too,
Many
threatening.
alternative
totally
to
as
not
powerless,
less dependent,
and
both men
themselves,
the
change
in
people
having
understanding
over
and weak.
more assertive,
women
face
of
that
women
the
others
is
only
to
As women
is
be
become
and more self-responsible,
the
themselves,
32
status
believe
control
vulnerable,
and
the
challenge
and
of
acting
knowing
on
their
173
real
strengths,
over
others
strength
power
into
for
!£
from
high
~
will
the
come
and
and
from
to iQ,
self-esteem
move
position
themselves
against
power
they
of
for
fear
and
from
using
others.
and
low
power for
and
trying
foster
to
their
Power
use
power
power
and
over
and
self-esteem,
while
self and others come
high
self-esteem
others.
Summary
HIGH
SELF-ESTEEM
(Power for)
(Power to be - to think, feel, and act
(
(Power to love and to be loved
(
(Power to motivate self and others
LOW
(Competitive power (power against another)
(
(Power to manipulate (to incite anxiety)
SELF-ESTEEM
(
(Power to intimidate (to invoke fear)
(Power over
(
or
power against) (Power to exploit and destroy (self and/or
others)
33
in
174
CHAPTER 6
MANIPULATION AND PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS
Manipulation and passive-aggressiveness are facets of
the
same
problem
both
with
control
other
open,
honest,
communicate
from
the
and/or
inability
to
be
are
may come from a basis of feeling
from
low
self-esteem.
aggressiveness
people
feel
Both
diminish
guilty,
indirect
people.
and
Both
direct,
to
stem
which
powerlessness, and always
manipulation
self-esteem
stupid,
efforts
in
ignorant,
and
others
passiveby
anxious,
making
confused,
and sometimes even make people feel and act crazy.
Manipulation
Manipulation
form
devious
and
subtle
they
that
are
their
it
abuse.
is
in
a
self-esteem
deep
seldom
This is sad.
people
manipulate
who
so,
and
don't
slowly
depression,
worthless.
doing
self-esteem
psychological
covert
see
not
a
killer!
It
is
a
Manipulation
is
so
recognized
by
the
People who are exposed to manipulation regularly
victims.
may
of
is
and
slipping
away
feeling
until
completely
But what is equally sad is that
often
don't
understand
34
realize
why
that
people
they
around
are
them
175
often are depressed and withdrawn,
or react with agitation
and aggressiveness.
The
what
manipulator's
she/he
taking
without
wants,
personal
objective
is
to
being
responsibility.
get
others
honest,
and
Manipulators
to
do
without
may
make
veiled or open threats and accusations,
or use the "silent
treatment,"
feel
may
do
a
and
lot of
others,
and
makes
blaming,
this
Manipulators
with
this
are
victims
in
or
expert
subtle
victim
project
their
makes
"constructive"
the
and
victims
They
hurtful
own
their
fault-finders
criticism.
anxious.
and
may
ways,
They
guilt
upon
feel
guilty.
are
generous
discount
making
their
them
feel
stupid and inadequate.
Manipulators often
such
a
as:
give mixed
compliment
tempered
accompanied by criticism;
then
to
criticizing
do
something,
had agreed to;
humorous,
the
victim
but
or
a
messages,
put-down;
praise
you
do
it;
"forgetting"
agreeing
what
they
teasing or sarcasm which is supposed to be
is
actually
doesn't
mixed
confusing.
opposing
you to do something,
when
conveniently
act
victim is a "poor sport''.
giving
with
hinting for
complaining
but
and
The
messages,
as
hurtful
to
the
though
it
is
victim,
funny,
and
then
if
the
There are many other methods of
and
all
victim's feelings
35
are
may
bewildering
range from
and
confused
176
to
Such
crazy.
depressed
and
aggressive,
mixed
messages
wi.thdrawn,
or
cause
they
may
vi.cti.ms
become
to
become
agitated
and they seldom know the real reason for
and
their
feeling and acting in such ways.
The
most
devastating,
diminishing
kind
method
to
this
used
method
bondage -
is
also
by
keep
afraid
to
stay,
of
manipulation
with
extremes
of
manipulator
seemingly
the
victim
at
is
times
hostile
continues
long
the
The
victim
suspense,
when,
or
is
kept
always
why,
in
trying
the
hard to
insults,
treatment,
often
and
from
abuse to physical or sexual abuse.
36
and
verbal
this
messages.
little
The
the
of
yet
no
pattern
anxiety
never
other
and
or
and
treatment.
kindness will
name-calling,
escalating
\Vi th
indulgent,
tolerates
state
or
parents,
double
with
please,
But
intermittently
abusive.
constant
benevolence
berating
and
victim
a
of
a
psychological
leave.
deluged
Then,
becomes
i.n
benevolent,
caring.
is
captives.
lovers,
to
extremes
provocation,
as
is
self-esteem
consciously
person
yet afraid
-
genuinely
as
wives,
another
treatment
and
either
husbands,
to
and
manipulation
prisoners
used,
etc.,
type
The
''double-message''
"brainwash"
unconsciously,
employers,
of
demoralizing,
and
knowing
change
to
abusive
psychological
177
Because
they
often
manipulators
hint and
language
and
supposed
to
afraid -
guess
so
But
whatever
a
and
they
they
negative
Their
mean,
directly,
glares,
gestures.
what
use
grimaces,
and
you
like
body
forceful
victims
feel
be
others
are
nearly
i.mpossible
or
for
don't
their
and
do
is
are
guilty
to
or
responsible
to
please,
11rong,
for
because
and
makes
manipulators
comparing you
ingratiating
for
be
Sometimes
flattery,
other
responsible
usually
criticism.
compliments,
another,
to
entice
do
target
don't
they
they
use praise,
with
communicate
and they usually do.
themselves,
you
shrugs,
threatening
Manipulators
them.
not
insinuate,
sighs,
stances,
do
behavior
favorably
to
seduce
make
others
and ensnare their victims.
Manipulators
believe
that
feelings,
always
are
but
they
the
painful
they
at
such
a
result
the
become
victim reacts angrily -
angry
acting
damaging
with
even more guilt for
believe
are
end
and
confronted
manipulative
often
of
try
to
out
of
loving,
their
for
fact
and
their
that
offended and
or even feels
"love"
loving
one at fault!"
37
is
victims.
their
And
upset -
person"
almost
If
they
behavior
hurt.
the victim who thinks
wonderful,
caring
if
is
their
this creates
"How could I
I
must
be
get
the
178
Manipulation
chips
away
at
psychologically
your
self-esteem
helpless,
worthless,
additional
kinds
all three.
actions,
is
of
abuse
It's as
''I'm
and
abusive
you
feel
totally
depressed,
and
you
invite
-
worth
it
until
verbal,
physical,
though you say to
not
because
your
sexual,
the abuser,
respect
or
by your
because
I
don't
respect myself.''
Manipulation
is
difficult
devious and subtle.
way
same
chameleons,
reaction)
at
all
mood,
to fit
it is
so
the
nor does any one manipulator act
times.
constantly
their
method,
because
There is no single behavior or method
used by all manipulators,
the
to detect
Manipulators
changing
their
their
behavior,
situation,
or
colors
their
to
are
fit
like
(their
action,
the
or
person they
are dealing with.
Manipulators
manipulate
the reactions they want.
others
feel
inferior.
others
feel
afraid.
when
they
manipulators
they
make
can
don't have
They
it
works,
works!
They
you
can
feel
powerful
feel
smug
and
feel
They
to
react
in
by
As
the
making
way
long
they
they
get
38
themselves.
what
they
as
want,
to communicate honestly and directly,
and
get
self-righteous
guilty.
they don't have to be responsible for
as
it
They can feel superior by making
others
get
because
and
As long
want
from
179
manipulating,
your
head,
they will
as
themselves,
they
had
diminish
high
your
play
and assertively
to
responsible
direct,
for
their
games
self-esteem.
self-esteem
honest,
be
continue to
they
and
would
they
themselves
If
with
they,
be
open,
would be willing
and
for
their
own
behavior.
Passive-Aggressiveness
Passive-aggressiveness
manipulation
honest.
in
that
anger.
Passive-aggressors
they are
afraid
afraid
of
of
try
to
themselves,
direct
how
to
their
others'
aggressiveness.
this
because
assertive
the
same
confront
indirectly
to
or
their
and
and
things
of,
they
because
they
anger
or
have
directly
or
even
are
and
resentment,
victims,
afraid
perhaps
and
of
direct
feelings,
anger
their
are
or
not
to
behavior always comes from
angry
from
from
they
is
communicate
own
act
confrontation,
be
many
retaliation
They
hide
do
but their
similar
quite
communication
Passive-aggressors
that manipulators do,
they
is
but
from
they
dislike
never
learned
and
use
their
anger constructively.
Passive-aggressors
promise
victims
evade,
what
they
to feel
say
don't
intend
anxious and
avoid, and forget,
what
they
to
annoyed.
don 1 t
mean
and
do,
causing
their
They
procrastinate,
causing others to feel powerless
39
180
and
irritated.
cloud
the
They
issue
with
may
too
be
uncommunicative,
many
words,
or
they
they
may
may
change
the subject, making victims feel confused and bewildered.
Daily
drain
on
contact
the
anxiety,
and
with
a
passive-aggressor
self-esteem,
rage,
the
and
causes
victims
so
is
much
literally
such
a
confusion,
feel
like
they
are going crazy.
Are You
!
Victim?
Is someone in your life manipulating you?
Or are you
living with a passive-aggressive person?
Eleanor Roosevelt once said ''No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent.''
If
have
all
you
been
your
that
manipulated,
by
you
you feel
permission.
you,
you
No
are
someone
Are
by
yourself to
one
can
inferior,
being
in
continue
anxious,
life,
inviting
unrealistic
feel
that
manipulated,
your
you
assuming
unrealistically,
inadequate?
to
also
by permitting
believing,
make
you
relationships.
manipulate
blame;
recognize
to
guilt
and
chronic anxiety;
are
to
manipulate
and
examine
others
you
guilty,
or
stupid
you
without
by
and
and
your
With the awareness that this may be happening
can
now
stop
giving
destroy your self-esteem!
40
others
permission
to
181
What Can You Do About It?
Whenever
you
inadequate,
or
happened
was done or said Now say
this
to
I
way.
permission
to
In
the
happened
a
not
make
irrational ways,
"It
me
or
after
and
aware
recognize
the
manipulation
the
hour
manipulator
immediately
around
and
before
the
or
of
so
just
way?
What
me
or
to
any
to
probably
feel
person,
react
in
feelings,
the
or
In
be
able
negative
By
being
you '11
soon
passive-aggressive
time,
to
feelings
what
realize
encounter.
the
your
later.
you'll
for
or
you'll
passive-aggressor
or
what
am O.K.!"
observant
behavior an
this
person,
inferior,
you'll
two
feel
irrational
this
feel
because I
you
stupid,
to cause these feelings?
is
give
beginning
day
make
or not said -
will
review
mentally
to
yourself
anxious,
guilty,
confused,
What
occurred.
feel
at
recognize
turn
your
occur,
almost
work
and
thinking
before
you
O.K.,
in
react in negative ways.
To
spi.te
some
help
of
3
x
O.K.!"
checkbook.
reinforce
the
5
Put
the
manipulator
file
one
Tape
cards
in
one
and
your
onto
idea
or
the
write
that
41
are
passive-aggressor,
in
wallet,
you
you
mirror
large
another
and
letters
inside
another
on
take
"I
am
your
your
182
bedside
table.
worthwhile
You need constant reminders that you are a
person,
to
begin
bolstering
your
lagging
self-
esteem.
If
big,
the
Or
you
like
vi.sualizations,
impenetrable,
manipulator's
you
can
plastic
weapons
imagine
is
catch it -
if you don't
can't
be
saying
throwing
hurt
to
by
the
yourself
A
journal
feelings
with
so
negative
the
You're
bounce
hot
react as
won't
your
bubble.
or
passive-
If
you
he/she want you
potato,
let
so
let
this
a
because
off
potato.
inside
safe
manipulator,
a
hot
yourself
it
don't
to -
fall
person's
you
while
problems
lam O.K.!"
is
you
simply
you
"I
become my problems.
bubble.
that
aggressor,
see
helpful
can
see
to
who
feelings,
or
keep
or
in
you
what
tuned
causes
negative
into
you
to
ways.
your
react
In
your
journal make five columns:
MY
DATE FEELINGS
You
probably
passive-aggressor,
change
energy
another
in
HOW I
HANDLED IT
U1Y REACTION)
WHAT OCCURRED
(WHO SAID OR
DID WHAT)
can't
and
person.
changing
it
change
might
It
is
yourself.
42
the
be
lflOW I WILL
HANDLE IT
VHEN IT
HAPPENS AGAIN
manipulator
dangerous
far
And
better
it
to
is
or
to
the
try
to
use
your
much
more
183
rewarding
to
change
yourself
than
to
try
to
change
another.
You
guilt.
to
stop
allowing
yourself
to
absorb
blame
and
You can stop reacting to behavior that is intended
produce
stop
You
can
anxiety,
making
guilt,
yourself
really~
feel
and
confusion.
guilty,
And
inadequate,
and
you
can
stupid.
O.K.!
Are You Manipulative or Passive-Aggressive?
If
someone
one
you
of
your
have
parents
lived
with
was
or
manipulative,
dealt
with
on
a
or
if
regular
basis was or is manipulative, or if you feel powerless and
unable to control your own life,
it is highly likely that
you are using manipulation in an
effort to get your needs
met.
If so,
you
are hurting
the
people
who want
to
love
you.
you
If
often
feel
angry,
communicate your feelings of hurt,
and
directly,
perhaps
passive-aggressive
you
do
behavior.
and
fear,
so
Do
are
afraid
or anger honestly
indirectly
you
to
want
through
to
continue
hurting yourself and those you love?
The
is
first
simply
the
step
in
changing
awareness
that
behaving passive-aggressively.
43
this
destructive
you
are
behavior
manipulating
or
184
The next
really
work
step is to
at
changing
behavior that enhances,
others'
and
will
this
destructive
behavior
rather than destroys,
You can
self-esteem.
this
find an assertiveness course and
improve
all
your own and
become an assertive
your
into
relationships,
person,
as
you
book,
you
improve your self-esteem.
By
completing
will increase your
high,
and
you
you
will
will
all
exercises
self-esteem.
love
want
the
yourself,
to
stop
When
and
hurting
about.
44
in
this
your self-esteem is
you
the
will
love
people
others,
you
care
185
CHAPTER 7
UPPERS AND DOWNERS
The
title
of
this
chapter
refers
to drugs,
self-esteem people use,
misuse,
and abuse,
which
low
in an effort to
avoid pain or enhance pleasure.
"Uppers" are
stimulating drugs,
anti-depressants,
prescribed,
amphetamines,
some are
and
People
stimulating
are
drug,
esteem.
And
depressed
and
If the
to
who
try to
likely
people
use
with
or
cocaine.
Some
are
but all are used for
who
be
low
drugs
nicotine,
to overcome
make life more bearable.
to
to
depression itself were
psychotherapy
caffein,
spirits and mood,
depressed,
are
to
and
self-prescribed,
the same purpose-to lift the
depression,
such as
need
people
some
with
self-esteem
relieve
kind
low
tend
their
of
selfto
be
depression.
dealt with through competent
counseling,
long-term
dependence
on
such
"uppers" would not be necessary.
The
paradox
is
do
indeed
elevators
disconti.nuance
and/or
first
to
be more
once
thus
''down''
use
to
a
be
more toxic,
45
such
artificial
one's
tends
even
creating
believed
addictin~
bring
their
bring one
used,
Cocaine,
of
while
that
to
lower
spirits
create
mood
"up,u
anxiety,
than when they were
strong
psychic
dependence.
harmless,
has
found
been
to
and more deadly than heroin.
186
"Downers"
anxiety and
pills,
are
tension.
narcotics,
Doctors
patients
it
frustration,
over-use
easier
to
itself
(and
deal
relieve
tranquilizers,
sleeping
abuse
take
a
tranquilizers,
tranquilizers,
pill
than
drink,
or a
"joint" may
problems.
with
is
problems.
leads
because
deal
with
a
chemical)
Low
can
self-esteem
even
to
seem to make it
However,
lower
the
chemical
even
create
and
lead to dependence on alcohol or drugs,
itself
to
and
and anxiety.
alcohol
greater
to
and marijuana.
and
to
or a
taken
over-prescribe
tension,
A pill,
and
alcohol,
simpler
drugs,
They include
often
often
seems
depressive
more
depression
can
but the dependence
self-esteem
and
more
depression.
People
drink,
in
often
but
alcohol
spi.ri.ts
meaningless
of
in
and
depressant,
a
can
to
fades
to
and
a
and
the
powerful,
mental
from
apparent
even
and
a
lift
suffer
sense
with
remorse,
is
disease
a
a
deeper
alcoholi.cs
futility,
along
''lift''
an
into
Alcoholi.sm
debilitating
get
depression,
lives,
self-hatred.
baffling,
they
hopelessness,
their
cunning,
lead
is
In addition
feelings
shame,
that
eventually
depression.
from
feel
of
guilt,
that
is
and
it kills
people.
It
and
physical
illnesses
even to insanity and death.
Marijuana
gives
one
a
is
false
a
relaxant,
sense
of
46
and
is
dis inhibiting.
confidence,
awareness,
It
and
187
control.
With
will-power,
regular
with
psychologically
a
discomfort.
one's
high
also
destroys
self-esteem
heal thy,
substance
misuse
it
motivation,
and responsible behavior.
People
use
use
or
so
to
physically
don 1 t
they
chemi.cal
are
feel
have
the
better
or
and
need
to
to
avoid
High self-esteem is a strong deterrent to the
and
abuse
sense
of
of
mood-altering
self-esteem
substances.
removes
a
Enhancing
major
reason
for
depending on drugs or alcohol.
Chemical Dependence and the Family
Considerable
relating
affects
same
to
research
families
spouse,
of
can
been
done
alcoholics,
children,
information
has
be
and
other
applied
in
and
how
family
to
recent
those
years
alcoholism
members.
whose
The
relatives
are dependent on drugs other than alcohol.
It
has
been
the
existence
the
extent
of
of
found
the
its
no
and
tend
cover
up
for
the
family
disease
effects
obvious it can
relatives
that
longer
to
of addiction,
on
be
members
the
denied
family
or
continually
chemically
her/him to continue drinking
tend
or
to
until
to
minimize
i.t
minimized.
rescue,
dependent
or abusing
deny
is
Friends
protect,
person,
drugs as
so
and
enabling
a
way
to
solve problems.
As
the
dependency
or
addiction
continues,
around the alcoholic or the addict suffers.
who
suffer
most
are
the
children,
47
who
everyone
Perhaps those
grow
up
feeling
188
uneasy
with
figures.
To
protect
pleasers,"
and
lose
isolated,
identities.
The
alcoholism
or
other
especially
people
themselves
their
become
even
self-esteem,
devastating
chemical
they
effects
dependency
authority
of
''people
their
own
living
with
even
into
continue
adulthood.
In
the
alcoholic
continuum of
low
or
self-esteem constantly
self-esteem
leads
continually reinforces
member.
drug-dependent
And this
to
we
see
the
spiraling downward,
addiction,
the
family
and
the
low self-esteem of
as
addiction
every family
cycle continues until all members of
the
family get the help they need to rebuild self-esteem.
There
help
are
overcome
dependent
Cocaine
their
lives.
been
affected
groups
as
If
type
problems.
For
Alcoholics
by
Anonymous,
other
stability
Alanon,
Alateen,
groups
drug
or
Anonymous,
can
members
with
can
the
etc.,
family
living
self-help
be
literally
whose
restored
Adult
Children
alcohol
Narcotics
lives
chemically
a
save
have
dependent
through
of
to
such
Alcoholics,
etc.
you
dependent
low,
For
their
Naranon,
these
"Anonymous"
persons,
Anonymous,
person,
many
have
person,
because
with
lived
your
an
alcoholic
self-esteem
alcoholism
and
diseases of the individual -
drug
may
be
chemically
or
at
an
dependency
all-time
are
they are family diseases.
48
not
189
CHAPTER 8
LOW SELF-ESTEEM THINKING
Contrary
to
most
emotions
do
own,
and
are not directly
and
situations.
emotions
not
what
stem
magically
The
from
people
appear,
do
not
caused by other
truth
our
believe,
is
ideas,
that
feelings
exist
on
people,
our
thoughts,
and
their
events,
feelings
and
attitudes,
and
beliefs.
A Greek
A.D.
wrote,
views
philosopher
"Men are
which
they
centuries later,
who
lived
disturbed
take
of
in
not
by
them."
the
first
things,
century
but
by
Shakespeare,
said the same thing in ''Hamlet'':
the
many
There's
nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.''
High Self-Esteem Thinking
High
rational
which
self-esteem
thinking,
lead
acceptance,
to
people
accompanied
beneficial
trust,
have
by
stress -
appreciation,
others.
49
a
balance
of
logical,
and
feelings
understanding,
respect,
emotions
and
love
of
self
and
190
Low Self-Esteem Thinking
The
thinking
rigid,
of
people with
demanding,
extreme,
"shoulds",
many
"don'ts".
Their
low self-esteem tends
"self"
11
"shouldn'ts",
attitude
is
centered,
one
musts",
of
to control externals (other people,
Their
jealousy,
negative
feelings
frustration,
reactions
to
their
anger,
own
about the way people,
and
be
contains
"can'ts",
pessimism and
a
and
need
places, and things).
emotions
fear,
guilt,
resentment,
irrational
events,
and
to
thoughts
situations,
blame,
e t c . - are
and
beliefs
and the world in
general "should" be.
These
be
with.
negative
for
irrational-thinking
people
are
not
pleasant
Their
negativity
not
only
low
self-esteem
stress,
themselves,
pessimism and
physical
it
problems,
brings
down
the
and
self-esteem
of
to
causes
people
who spend much time with them.
Changing Our Thinking
Changing
and
ourselves
it is enormously
change
change,
for
as
possible -
the
they
is
rewarding.
better,
see
di.fficult,
the
from
Not only
people
our
and rewarding.
50
but
in
example
not
that,
our
that
impossible,
but as we
lives
change
also
is
191
One
way
pessimistic
to
thinking,
people
(yourself
and
they
as
believes
change
could
they
as
and
well
be,
is
to
see
as
than
be.
your
events,
others)
rather
"should"
stop
as
as
Here
irrational,
situations,
they
you or
are
some
and
really
are,
someone
else
examples
of
logical thinking and beliefs for you to concentrate on:
I
1.
can't
possibly please everyone
at all times.
It's
O.K. not to be ''perfect.''
2.
Sometimes good people -
and
behave
even I
I
inappropriately,
myself -
can
make mistakes
forgive
myself
and
others.
3.
I
Sometimes things don't go the way
can (a) work to improve things,
I want them to, but
and/or
(b) accept what I
cannot change.
4.
I am not responsible for other people's feelings and
I
emotions.
5.
I
can accept others as they are.
alone
feelings,
am
responsible
for
my
own
thoughts,
my
my actions, my reactions.
6.
Worry changes nothing,
7.
The past is over,
but action can.
and what
happened in the
past does
not have to continue affecting me.
8,
I
can
learn
from
the
past,
set realistic goals for my future.
51
change
the
present,
and
192
9.
I
can't
happen,
believe,
10.
11.
as
can
feel,
may
other
control
the
people
way
I
and
all
am,
the
things
way
I
that
think,
and act.
not
be
perfect
solutions
to
life
problems,
can accept compromises and reasonable solutions.
Other
I
I
but
There
and I
control
do
people
in
order
don't
for
have
me
to
to
think,
accept
beli.eve,
them,
and
and
feel
even
like
them.
Now
you
add
some
logical
statements,
change your own irrational thinking:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
52
to
help
you
193
CHAPTER 9
STRESS, HEALTH, AND SELF-ESTEEM
Stress
all
times,
can
be
is
as
not
something
total
positive
to
absence
be
of
stress
beneficial,
and
completely
is
avoided
death.
be
Stress
or
it
to
choose attitudes
can
at
negative,
harmful, and damaging to the body.
Each
feelings
of
which
and
stress,
has
us
can
it
the
capacity
lead
is
our
to
attitudes and feelings,
either
to
negative
benefit
to
and
or
positive
choose
positive
which create pleasant stress.
Positive Stress
Positive
positive,
and
feelings
become
love of
the
enjoyment
which
of
ultimate
life
people
respect,
who
enjoy
are
others.
aim
itself
with high self-esteem,
to love,
which
attitudes
beneficial stress are gratitude,
appreciation
self and
and
Love
in
-
in
this
life
pure
and
respect,
less
than
general
the
positive
who love themselves,
trust,
the
nothing
continuing good health.
53
of
to
trust,
love
of
sense can
maintenance
stress.
and
People
find it easier
appreciate others.
well-being
lead
positive
They are
stress
and
194
Negative Stress
Negative
feelings
negative,
harmful
distrust,
hostility,
All
of
these
endanger
negative
There
incite
disease.
definite
and
causes
muscular
aches
skin
ailments,
problems
that
are
diabetes,
addictions,
People
negative
and
in
link
negative
diarrhea,
attacks,
for
to
revenge.
even
and
more
frustration,
tension,
between
stress
negative
susceptibility
and
and
headaches.
stress-related
are
mental
physical
illness
suffer
relationships,
health,
self-esteem.
54
than
do
More
and
or
serious
heart
ulcers,
disorders,
self-esteem
their
body's
constipation
pains,
with
in
to
the
and
illnesses caused by stress are
hypertension,
low
stress
suppresses
and premature aging.
their
jealousy,
in others
leads
suicides,
stress,
to
and immobilization.
Some of the minor
backaches,
This
lead
hatred,
and the urge
nervous
Chronic
system
which
aggressiveness
security.
guilt,
is a
illness.
immune
own
include
resentment,
stress
insecurity,
attitudes
stress
feelings
our
and
more
in
cancer,
distress,
their
people
or
lives,
with
high
195
Health and Responsibility
No
your
other
person
health.
health,
in .. the world
Each
and
we
of
can
can
can
choose
change
You
can
change
for
can change
your envy and
can decide
to change your
others
into
life.
You
start
treating
stop
for
by
for
our
own
choosing
to
actions, and reactions.
your
fear
to
rejection
into
trust.
respect
their
You
jealousy into appreciation.
You
efforts
to dominate and control
others
criticizing
yourself
and
to
for
You
acceptance.
understanding
can
responsible
health
others
change
be
responsible
our
feelings,
to
contempt
potential.
is
improve
improve our attitudes,
You
us
can
and
planning
yourself
others
and
with
your
own
others,
and
respect
and
compassion.
You
can
problems
as
change
despair
challenges,
can
into
and
view
hope.
You
failures
as
mistakes
as
can
view
learning
experiences.
You
mistakes,
rather
than as sins.
You can choose to forgive yourself for your
errors, and forgive others for not being perfect as well.
With
assertive
confrontation
fear from becoming anger,
harmful
resentments.
you
can
keep
hurt
and
and keep anger from growing into
Each
time
someone' s
you pain or discomfort or disappointment,
55
behavior
causes
you can confront
196
that
person
person's
fun
in a
respectful way
behavior,
of me
in
front
by:
(a)
non-blamefully,
e.g.,
of
(b)
my
friend,";
that behavior has affected you and
not
around
you."
blaming
(you
embarrassed")
for
In
but
this
are
kind
not
rather,
''When
made
then
you
describe
e.g.,
confrontation,
are
how
"I
feel uncomfortable to
saying
you
("l.
your own feelings
of
that
how you feel,
felt terribly embarrassed, and now I
be
describing
"You
you
made
assuming
me
are
feel
responsibility
felt embarrassed").
Such direct
confrontation is a marvelous stress-reducer, and each time
it is successfully carried out it increases your own selfesteem, as well as lowering your blood pressure.
say
Many
stresses
''no''
to
energy,
say
created
requests
that
and then we feel
"yes"
to
principles,
and
are
your
aspirations
demands
and
needs
it
will
requests
waste
your
and
desires,
that
much
feel
time,
afraid
money,
to
and
If you first learn to
to
be
we
our
resentful.
yourself
to
because
own
values
and
easier
infringe
on
to
to
and
moral
your
goals
say
your
"no"
rights
to
and
needs, and that create stress in your life.
Stress
is
also
responsibilities.
thoughts,
can
"make"
feelings,
you
feel
created
You
are
assuming
responsible
attitudes,
a
by
certain
56
for
and
actions.
way
or
act
a
misguided
your
own
Nobody
else
certain
way.
197
You
alone
are
responsible
way you act.
And you
for
the
way
you
feel,
and
can choose your attitudes,
the
beliefs,
and thoughts.
You are
of
anyone
own
If
not
else
thoughts,
you
may
responsible for
in
the
behavior,
respectfully
choose
grateful
world.
to
~<illing
and
beliefs,
hurt,
to
feelings
Everyone
confront
feel
the
or
chooses
attitudes,
another
Or
Whatever
feel is their own responsibility -
actions
his
and
person,
angry.
change.
and
or
her
feelings.
that
they
person
may
other
be
people
not yours!
Blaming others for the way we feel and the way we act
keeps
us
from
growing
and
from
building
our
self-esteem.
And believing that we are responsible for how someone else
feels
and
reacts
keeps
us
from
being
assertive and
self-
responsible.
Examine
keeping
sheet
you
of
all
from
paper.
the
stresses
enjoying
Now
real
examine
in
your
health.
how
your
List
own
beliefs are maintaining these stresses.
your
list
of
stresses.
lessen these stresses?
What
can
you
Write it down.
to start relieving yourself of stress?
57
life
that
them
are
on
attitudes
a
and
List these beside
do
to
eliminate
or
When are you going
198
A Method of Relaxing
Learning
reduce
to
relax,
stress
in
in
spite
your
of
your
life.
And
stresses,
as
stress
self-esteem goes up,
and health improves.
practical
method
relaxation,
time,
place,
If
any
you
of
whether or
practice
it
as
not
it
regularly
it
can
itself
goes
down,
Here is a
can
you are
can
be
very
done
feeling
any
stressed.
eliminate
harmful
stress in your life:
Sit quietly,
lap
with
in a comfortable position, hands in your
fingers
up,
eyes
closed.
Concentrate
on
an
imaginary spot in the middle of your forehead.
Relax
all
your
muscles,
beginning
at
your
toes,
and
progressing up your body until every muscle is relaxed,
the
top of
Don't forget
your head.
to relax your
to
jaw and
unclench your teeth.
Breathe
breathing as
you take a
through
your
and
think
you breathe easily and naturally.
breath and each time you release a
silently
to yourself,
spot
the
in
nose,
middle
"LOVE".
Keep
your
forehead,
of
about
Each time
breath,
concentrating on
as
you
your
say
that
breathe
in
love, and send out love into your world.
You
twenty
can
continue
minutes
doing
(twenty
this
minutes
58
for
is
two
or
for
When
you
minutes,
better).
199
finish,
your
sit
eyes
quietly
closed and
for
several
then with
minutes,
your
eyes
at
first
opened.
with
Do
not
stand up for a few minutes.
Practice this method of relaxing
but
not
within
two
hours after
once or
any meal,
as
twice daily,
the
di.gestive
process seems to interfere with the relaxation process.
It
this,
has
been found
practiced
reduces blood
for
that
twenty
a
relaxation
minutes
at
exercise
least
such as
once
pressure and other stress-related
a
day,
illnesses,
improves the ability to concentrate and think clearly,
and
increases productivity and self-esteem.
Physical Activity
The
likely
to
excessive
how
stress
of
inactivity
produce distress and
muscular
intense,
scars
of
work.
leaves
distress.
one
and
disease
Successful
with
Work
aimlessness
than the
causes
more
stress of
activity,
comparatively
which
is
no
few
distress
matter
physical
does
so
through the frustration of dissatisfaction and/or failure.
You
enjoy,
in
deserve
and which
your
work,
frustrating
positive
and
stress.
the
satisfaction of
others appreciate.
or
lack
of
harmful.
Lack
doing
Lack
59
of
recognition,
Satisfying
of
work which
motivation
you
satisfaction
make
work
work
results
in
to
engage
in
200
meaningful work .causes
the body
to suffer the
distress
of
deprivation.
no
If the
work you do
physical
activity,
satisfying to you,
some
form
walking,
of
is sedentary,
or
your
work
is
little or
not
totally
then it is most important that you have
physical
running,
if
involving
or
activity
tennis,
exercise.
aerobics,
swimming,
Brisk
etc.,
are
forms of physical exercise that can relax you and help you
withstand mental frustrations.
Listen High
blood
pressure
It causes strokes,
is
called
without
the
And Improve Your Health
a
very
heart attacks,
"silent
warning.
is
killer"
Stress
is
a
dangerous
condition.
and premature death.
because
It
it
often
strikes
significant
cause
of
high
blood pressure.
Researchers have found
is
to
When we
listen.
When we listen,
to
improved
friends,
Good
contact,
means
that one way
talk,
our
blood
to reduce
pressure
listening
helps
you
goes up.
In addition
our blood pressure goes down.
health,
stress
make
and
keep
because everyone loves a good listener!
listening
and
an
requires
attitude
understanding
of
your
full
acceptance
without
judging).
60
attention,
and
A
empathy
good
eye
(this
listener
201
does
opinions
the
criticize,
not
or
subject,
listener
that
what
the
listens
you
ask
a
not
feels,
listen
well
lot of
speaker down
with
respect,
respect
she/he
care
and
speaker says,
So
put
know
you
interrupt,
argue,
moralize,
and gives verbal and
speaker
understand
and
or
simply
acceptance,
the
advice,
blame,
is
enough
questions,
in any
way.
give
change
A good
understanding,
and
non-verbal signals to let
her/him
saying,
about
discount
lecture,
the
enough
feeling,
to
and
hear
and
thinking,
her/his
feelings
to
not
speaker
or
anything
the
or thinks.
for
better
and longer life!
61
health,
better
living,
202
CHAPTER 10
LOSS,
Loss
is
a
part
MOURNING,
of
AND GRIEVING
living.
Human
beings
without experiencing losses from time
to
losses
vending
such
as
losing
a
coin
in
a
don't
time -
exist
from small
machine,
to
major losses such as death of a loved one,
Every loss,
a
whether
large or
small,
is accompani.ed
period of mourning or grieving which may last from a
minutes
to
mourning
the
many
depends
loss
coping
on
The
several
one's
itself;
acknowledge and
the
years.
and
factors:
the
full
time
spent
in
the
seriousness
of
and
pain
self-esteem
few
of
willingness
experience
strength
length
by
of
ability
the
level
of
loss;
the
to
and
person
experiencing the loss.
Loss
especially
of
self-esteem
if
the
and
thus prolonged.
is
ignored
painful
flare
up
in
grieving
that
process
is
and
that
other
denied
go away
tends
to
try
to
avoided,
any
other
persist
and
ways
at
inappropriate
we
losses,
because it
or
deny
for years and years.
62
or
just
grief
resisted,
Feelings
beneath the surface,
is
Rather,
unsettling
times.
accompanies
Grief doesn't
denied.
feeling
unexpected
us,
or
often
stay with
203
Grief
to
hide
You
is
and
might
not
be
a
disease,
ashamed
consider
or
a
of.
It
a
path
grief
weakness,
is
a
or
something
necessary
which
must
process.
be
travelled
from the first shock of the loss to the rebuilding of your
life and your self-esteem.
more
relief
willing
and
to
you
will
hurt more
express
your
feel
in
The more fully you grieve,
as
the
pain,
time
goes
beginning,
in
order
by.
and
to
You
the
must
be
to acknowledge
hurt
much
less
eventually.
Losses
Some of the losses that people experience are:
Loss
of
people
through
death,
divorce,
separation,
lost
loves or friendships.
Loss
e.g.,
of
places
homes
because
of
because
lost due
moving
to
of
to
natural
fire,
another
or
flood,
man-made
disasters,
earthquake,
residence
or
etc.,
or
relocation
to
another city, etc,
Loss of things from theft, misplacement,
Loss
of
surgery,
Loss
£f
health
because
of
illness,
etc.
disease,
accident,
or aging.
freedom because of war,
or prison, etc.
63
confinement in a
hospital
204
Loss Qf ~ occupation,
left
the
previous
Retirement
loss.
is
position
strongly
the
behind,
often as much the
loss
and
loss
this
of a
is
a
role as
And middle-aged parents often
it is the loss of a career.
feel
Jobs may be lost for
Even if we move up to a better position, we
many reasons.
still
or "role".
of
their
parenting
role
when
magnifying
other
children leave home.
Loss
of
losses is
accompanying
the additional loss
might have been,
of
and
hopes and dreams of what
what could have been,
or what should have
Also in this category is the loss of what may never
been.
have
Often
dreams.
existed,
i.e.,
childhood free from
loving
abuse,
and
a
responsible
happy
marriage,
parents,
a
a
satisfying
career, etc.
Other
(loss
of
routine,
the
losses which
the
''single"
classmates,
loss
of
don't
life);
teachers,
childhood,
fit
loss
for
optimum
mental
and
esteem.
64
category are
graduation
etc.).
of
marriage
(loss
of
a
A birthday may mean
youth,
change we make could mean also a
with,
a
etc.
Almas t
any
loss which must be dealt
physical
health
and
self-
205
Stages of Mourning
There are several natural,
people
suffering
ways,
and
in
loss,
depending
losses
varying
on
normal
may
progress
lengths
the
stages of mourning which
of
person,
through
time,
and
depending
to acknowledge and experience
of
a
is
unique
individual,
different
depending
willingness
us
in
and
on
on
the
her /his
pain.
each
of
the
Each
us
will
experience loss in our own unique way and time.
The first natural stage of mourning is experienced as
shock
or
0. K.
"What
loss?"
fear.
The
will
The fear
fear
happen
is
to
for
ourselves,
me?
How
is not selfish -
can
it is a
I
and
this
survive
is
this
normal reaction
and must be accepted as normal.
Along
with
denial.
Like
reality
because
with
sudden
believe
this
the
an
it
loss
is
shock
ostrich,
is
are
too
and
we
I
heard
can't
to
to
don't
locked
burden
of
pain
is
into
so
denial
of
overwhelming
momentarily.
65
too -
reality.
it
must
to
and
accept
People
exclaim
believe
And these feelings are O.K.
disbelief
refuse
face.
be true!''
get
are
sometimes
painful
often
happening!
fear
it!
faced
''I
don't
It
can't
as long as we
Perhaps
be
the
denied
206
Blaming
of
is
mourni.ng
only
I
(or
sometimes
blaming
you,
or
a
stage
yourself,
he,
or
or
she)
this would not have happened."
of course,
in
create
nothing.
But
it
a
for
if
a
short
is
"If
others:
not
perhaps
The feelings of guilt or
stress,
your
time
process
Blaming after the fact is,
negative
this
natural
blaming
had
pointless and futile.
resentment
the
feeli.ng,
because
and
let
accomplish
yourself
whatever
you
feel
resist,
persists.
Anger is also a natural stage of mourning.
you
are
angry
important
leaving
fate,
the
to
at
losing
you!
you.
You
You
may
or even at God.
iceberg.
feelings
may
unexpressed,
expressed
eventually
anger.
something
angry
angry
at
fear,
hurt,
erupt
and
the
was
person
for
Beat
windows and
pillow.
doors and
accomplish
scrubbing
a
like the
are
the
And
a
scream.
something
floor,
that
clearing
66
Or
cushion.
use
needs
out
tip of
primary
These
not
So
let
resentment.
a
a
the
to
closet
and the
Use that
Close
energy
be
at
anger
the loneliness -
Kick
or
loneliness.
anger.
bitter
the fear,
is
surface
into
becomes
at
that
circumstances,
however,
the
the hurt,
or
Real anger can generate enormous energy.
energy!
to
be
be
beneath
be
feelings,
yourself feel
may
Anger,
Lurking
which
someone
Of course
all
of
anger
done,
like
or
dresser
207
drawer,
or
digging
i.n
garden,
the
pulling
or
Whatever
you
exists.
It needs to be felt and expressed.
Sooner
the
form
Tears
to
hurt,
few
to
or
of
make
wish
don't
later
deny
the
sorrowful
it
be
easier
alone
pass
a
few
the sorrow,
it,
and
express
your
willing
and
able
listen
to
"snap
they
may
fully.
out
of
not
with grief.
normal
to
it."
Ignoring
Feeling i t fully
the
try
realize
Their
your
the full weight of the
fully
time
permission
minutes,
but will make
experiencing
you
have
or who
not
need to
your
to
take
depression,
or
an
hour.
for a
you
honorable,
but
your
get
rid
grief
of
take care of
time
your
continues,
each
day
to
whether it is five
This
11ill
not
your day go
your
sadness
and
depression
get
on
67
it.
you can do
rest of
then
who
clear
the
allotted,
the
tell
depression
some
may
pain,
Stay
experience
will
If
feel
After
to
You
people
empathy.
are
in
allow yourself
caring
up,
come
is O.K. -
but
to
the
the most constructive thing
yourself
wasted time,
and this
It
depression.
stage.
feel
intentions
grief
activities.
thirty
to
real.
may
It
this
with
need
is
despairing
cheer you
give
minutes,
hit.
sorrow
Eventually you will
daily
It
depression,
to
your
is
or
days
fight
those people who
will
through
Don't
feel
anger.
sadness,
for
of
the
the
grief
to
the loneliness,
days.
are
do,
weeds.
be
better.
with
for
your
208
necessary activities.
It will then be easier to give them
your full attention.
Sometime
idealize
lost.
during
the
In
remember
person,
the
the
you
the
grieving
thing,
Idealization
person
''perfect,'' with no
perhaps
this
feel
who
faults
obligated,
talk
intelligence,
now
or
talk about how wonderful and
continually
about
may
the
for
begin
place
you
example,
gone
as
to
have
you
may
having
been
shortcomings whatsoever.
Or
for
others,
to
the person was -
to
the
sake
flawless
her/his
responsibility,
normal and natural -
or
stage,
is
you
of
''perfectness''
lovingness,
charm,
This
etc.
is
But carried to extremes
to a point.
it will only magnify your grief and sadness.
Perfect?
foolish
sometimes
also
behavior.
every
and
No
who
thinking!
all respects.
to
Poppycock
one
horsefeathers!
ever
lived
This
was
perfect
behaves
remember
It
It
inappropriately.
is
these
mistakes
realistic
relationship
has
to
good
is
and
recognize
times
not
and
a
betrayal
inappropriate
the
fact
disservice
and
that
bad,
positive
It is not a disservice to
the loved
one who is gone to remember every part of him/her.
a
in
Every human being sometimes makes mistakes,
aspects and negative.
is
is
betrayal
68
to
yourself
to
But it
continue
to
209
idealize and keep yourself from moving through the Healing
phase of mourning.
Getting "Stuck"
Any
or
all
experienced
of
in
the natural
any
kind
of
stages
of mourning
loss.
Be
may
patient
be
with
yourself, and be kind to yourself, as you experience these
stages in
not
the
progress
that
time,
experience
living
in
the
another
all
arise
mourning.
process
of
if
of grieving
same
way,
person
these
you
get
nor
in
the
stuck
example,
if
you
stage,
blaming
yourself
and
accept
your
any
are
have known this would happen?
of
in
guilty,
yourself:
span
may
of
not
problems
these
stuck
feeling
ask
you
However,
in
You may
same
And
stages.
and
mourning.
would.
For
humanness,
and
stages
the
you
"How
Is it realistic
in
of
Blaming
need
could
to
I
to believe
that I could have prevented what happened?''
If
you
are
in
a
prolonged
stage
of
Idealization,
perhaps you are trying to avoid your feelings of anger,
grief.
Or perhaps you are continuing to idealize in order
to obtain the approval of others.
to the
or
lost loved one
Or are you attributing
many positive qualities
in yourself
that you are unwilling to accept, and to take credit for?
69
210
If you remain in any of the
excessive
length
of
time,
it
stages of mourning for an
is
an
need professional help to resolve
indication
that
you
your feelings and enable
you to move on through the Healing process.
The ''Hurting'' Stage
If you try to avoid,
or
if
you
Mourning,
your
will
remain
suffer.
you
fearfulness.
will
anger
excessive
apathy,
may
or
thinking
may
may
of
be
bi.t terness;
and
all
your
and
you
alcohol,
illogical
experience
or
of
may
and
abuse
drugs,
a
feeling
from
you
and
much
inappropriate
relationships.
keep
stages
relationships
become
misplaced
food,
you
natural
and your self-esteem,
reality
hopelessness,
immobilize
the
longer,
and
destructive
inertia,
of
health,
and
use
or suppress your feelings,
any
distort
There
of
accidents
your
Your
pessimistic;
by
in
you will hurt much
functioning,
episodes
"stuck"
deny,
or
yourself
through
Eventually
of
deadness
functioning
altogether.
Healing Yourself
The
alternative to
to move through the
remaining in
stages of Healing.
70
the
Hurting
phase
is
You.need to accept
211
the reality of the loss.
and
cannot
be
undone.
the
guilt,
the
anger,
after
pain
these
and
feelings
let
go
of
What has happened,
Feel
the
have
the
all
the
sorrow,
pain
their
past.
The
of
your
Then,
etc.
run
has happened,
eventually,
course,
let
past
a
is
loss
go
of
the
memory,
the
present is for living.
Now
care
focus
of
get
about
feel
attention
yourself.
exercise,
care
your
hope,
Discipline
enough
and
rest,
activities
and
love
aliveness will
and
to
goals.
rebuild
You will
and
you
for
feelings of
energy
on
yourself,
take
eat
properly,
yourself
to
seek
friends
out
You
enjoy.
yourself
return,
your
and
life
and
giving
with
regain control of
will
that
you
begin
others.
to
Your
you self-respect
work,
your
good
own
purpose,
and
life,
and
you
illustration
of
the
will regain your self-esteem.
On
the
next
stages of Mourning,
page
is
Hurting,
a
graphic
and Healing.
71
NATURAL STAGES OF MOURNING AND HEALING
y
"
!!.>~
N
~"
~~)<;~
~v~
.<,<;; ~ ~
~'<-
C>
~ ,
~
Idealization
Grief, Sadness, Depression
Anger, Resentment
Blaming (self or others)
Disbelief, Denial
Shock, Fear
~~
""
Self-esteem
Work, Purpose, Goals
Rebuilding your life
Self-respect
Energy, Aliveness
(>
Hoping, Trusting, Loving
'\.~
Self-discipline, Self-responsibility
Caring for yourself
Letting go of the past
Letting go of the pain
Feeling all the pain of the loss
Accepting the reality of the loss
----------------------------------------------!solation
Illogical, negative, pessimistic thinking
Distorting reality
1-</
Fearfulness
1'?>
Misplaced anger, Bitterness
Self abuse (Alcohol, drugs, food,
./'* Q
accidents, etc.)
Apathy, Inertia
Hopelessness
Deadness
N
>--'
N
213
PART
C
--KNOWING YOURSELF
In Part B we examined many of the ways in which selfesteem can be damaged.
Perhaps
you now have some insight
into why your own self-esteem is not as strong and healthy
as you would like it to be.
But insight without action is
useless.
One
of
the
ways
in
which
your
improved is to know yourself better,
self-esteem
can
be
so in Part C you will
start rebuilding your self-esteem with exercises
that will
enable you to learn more about yourself.
Please allow plenty of time for each of the exercises
in
Part
C,
as
they
are
an
important
preliminary
30-day program for developing your self-esteem.
73
to
your
214
CHAPTER 11
ASSESSING YOUR LOSSES
In
stages
have
of
an
determine
for
Healing,
heal and
recover
been
losses,
you
are
from
and
in
the
what
your
significant,
or
you
your
are
will
losses.
if
Now
Healing.
you
own
there
will
losses
and
You
stages.
do
to
your
have
you may need counseling with a
help
can
Hurting,
yourself
recent
been
the
you
Mourning,
If
and
losses,
various
whether
decide
about
examine
to
yourself
and
learned
Hurting,
opportunity
where
have
you
Mourning,
determine
or
10
Chapter
losses
many
recent
competent therapist
to help you through the Mourning and Healing process.
Here are your instructions for this exercise:
( 1)
On
major
the
chart
losses you
at
have
the
end
of
this
experienced
in
chapter,
your
life,
list
the
including
all the losses you have experienced in the past few years.
( 2)
Examine
are
i.n
Heali.ng.
at
for
the
the
the
the
For
point
loss.
chart
various
on
stages
example,
of
blaming
Be
page
if
the
72
of
with
determine
Mourning,
loss
yourself
honest
and
or
was
where
you
Hurting,
or
recent
blami.ng
yourself
so
you
may
someone
you
else
will
better able to help yourself.
(3)
Now decide what you need to do to heal yourself,
74
be
and
be
215
( 4)
How and when
to feel
you are
that guilt,
going to
or anger,
do
this.
Do
you need
or sadness a little longer?
Do you need to express your feelings with someone whom you
know
will
be
understanding,
expressing honest
who
feelings?
will
Or do
not
judge
you need
to
you
take
for
some
action to help you release your feelings?
One of
feelings
or
the
the things that
is
to write
person
letter
did
not
your
you
If
feeling.
both
relive
resentments
letter.
If
If you are angry,
your
the
be
joyful
harboring,
guilty
keep
wish
to
letter
it
and
tear
to
anything
relationship,
need
sadness
to ask for
you
confess
reread
up
gone,
it
or
only
from
burn
one
~
time
it.
mailed!
to
You
person
the
you
are
or
these
in
do
so.
and why.
You may want
time,
are
all
did,
forgiveness,
tell her/him how angry you are,
it
help
memories,
the
about
This is a letter which must never
to
loss,
is
In
your
you
person who
the positives and the negatives.
feel
for
the
all
all
during
to
in releasing
expressing
may
you
do,
letter
responsible
your feelings this
a
is often helpful
or
you
writing
yourself!
Make
may
this
it
emotional, and make it strong!
If
you
don't
same
thing
with
tape
recorder,
a
like
tape
say all
to
write,
you
recorder.
As
the
things
75
can
you
you wish
accomplish
talk
you
into
the
the
could say
216
to
the
person you are
mourning,
or the
person responsible
for your loss.
Whatever
Don't
feel
censor
that
memories
finish
come
yourself.
emotions
recall
to
you say in your letter,
back
things you
You
of
you
what
it
in
one
to
it
from
~Vould
may
losses
write,
or
a~Vare
speak,
1vere
not
even
you
had
forgotten.
time
Leave
to
time
as
it
is O.K.
of.
Don 1 t
you
may
You
may
expect
open-ended,
you
remember
and
more
like to say.
find
have
you
sitting.
that
recovered from many of
many
As
or on tape,
not
you
have
successfully
your losses.
been
fully
mourned
Or you may find
mourned,
and
you
and
that
need
to
do more grief work in order to heal yourself.
Be patient
with
world
yourself.
There
is
no
one
else
in
the
like
you, and your mourning needs to be done in your own unique
way,
in
mourning
your
own
process
The
time.
must
not
be
important
thing
ignored,
because
be healed until the mourning is completed.
76
is
that
you
the
cannot
MY LOSS ASSESSMENT
(1)
(2)
(3)
(4)
MY LOSSES
WHERE I AM IN THE
STAGES OF MOURNING,
HURTING. OR HEALING
WHAT I NEED TO DO
TO HEAL MYSELF
WHEN AND HOW
I WILL DO THIS
""
N
.....
-.J
218
CHAPTER 12
DISCOVERING YOUR STRENGTHS
Most
people
don't
feel
comfortable
talking
even acknowledging,
their good qualities.
been
by
conditioned
religion,
our
our schools,
culture,
and/ or our
about,
Many of us have
our
family,
society,
our
believe
that
to
acknowledging our assets and strengths is conceited,
centered,
even
sinful.
superstitiously,
bring
them
that
bad
Some
to
luck,
speak
or
people
well
that
or
of
self-
believe,
themselves
they
will
somehow
will
be
punished.
What
an
yourself
unfair
permission
shortcomings,
and
Each uf
a
of
us
blow
us
has
is
many
to
to
your
magnify
diminish
whole,
good
self-esteem
your
your
special,
qualities
you
give
liabilities
and
assets
unique
that
may
and
if
strengths!
individual.
go
Each
unnoticed,
not
only by others, but by ourselves as well.
The next exercise will help
and
strengths.
several
copies
Before
of
it,
you
beginning
and
ask
discover your
the
friends
members to help you discover your strengths.
78
exercise,
and/or
assets
make
family
219
MY STRENGTHS
(Directions:
describes
you
Circle
as
each
~
of
are.
the
following
words
that
If
you
assets
and
strengths that are not on this list,
have
be sure to add them.
You will find that you really are special).
Academic
Carefree
Courteous
Fair-minded
Active
Careful
Creative
Faithful
Accurate
Caring
Curious
Farsighted
Adaptable
Cautious
Daring
Fashionable
Adventurous
Charming
Dedicated
Feminine
Affectionate
Cheerful
Deliberate
Fi.rm
Aggressive
Clean
Determined
Flexible
Alert
Clear-thinking
Dignified
Forceful
Ambitious
Clever
Discreet
Formal
Artistic
Compassionate
Dominant
Frank
Assertive
Competent
Eager
Friendly
Attractive
Composed
Earnest
Fun
Bold
Confident
Easygoing
Funny
Brave
Conscientious
Efficient
Generous
Bright
Conservative
Emotional
Gentle
Broadminded
Considerate
Energe!:ic
Good-hearted
Businesslike
Cool
Entertaining
Good-natured
Calm
Cooperative
Enthusiastic
Happy
Capable
Courageous
Ethical
Healthy
79
220
Helpful
Mature
Professional
Sensi.tive
Honest
Methodical
Progressive
Seri.ous
Humorous
Meticulous
Prudent
Sexy
Idealistic
Mild
Purposeful
Sharp-witted
Imaginative
Moderate
Quick
Sincere
Impromptu
Modest
Quiet
Sociable
Independent
Natural
Rational
Sophisticated
Individualistic
Neat
Reali.stic
Spiritual
Industrious
Obliging
Reflective
Spontaneous
Informal
Open-minded
Relaxed
Spunky
Intellectual
Optimistic
Reliable
Stable
Intelligent
Organized
Reli.gi.ous
Steady
Interesting
Original
Reserved
Strong
Inventive
Outgoing
Resourceful
Strong-minded
Kind
Painstaking
Responsible
Studious
Leader
Patient
Responsive
Sympathetic
Leisurely
Patriotic
Retiring
Tactful
Light-hearted
Peaceable
Robust
Teachable
Likable
Persevering
Secure
Tenacious
Lively
Pleasant
Self-confident
Thorough
Logical
Poised
Self-controlled
Thoughtful
Lovable
Polite
Self-disciplined
Tolerant
Loyal
Practical
Self-responsible
Tough
Masculine
Precise
Sensible
Trusting
80
221
Trustworthy
IN THE SPACES BELOW, ADD YOUR ASSETS AND
Unaffected
STRENGTHS THAT YOU DID NOT FIND LISTED:
Unassuming
Under s tandi.ng
Unexcitable
Verbal
Versatile
Warm
Wholesome
Wise
Witty
Youthful
Zany
81
222
CHAPTER 13
WHO/WHAT DO YOU VALUE?
of
One
better
i.s
several
find
the
the
to
values
things
know
who
exercises
exercises,
\d. th
that
can
what
and
in
this
help
you
82
know
value.
chapter,
explanations,
pages.
you
on
yourself
There
and
the
you
next
are
will
three
223
ill
People
These people are
important to me:
Value
Why I
ill
I am important to
these people:
I
value these people:
People Who Value Me
Why these people value me:
83
224
ill
Activities That I Enjoy and Value
Activities I enjoy:
ill
What
l
Why I
value these activities:
Would Like To Be Doing More Often
Activities I would
like to be doing, or
doing more often than
I now am:
Why I am not doing these things,
or why I am not doing them as
often as I would like to do them:
84
225
ill
~
Strengths that I Value the Most
From the "My Strengths" exercise on pages 79, 80 and 81,
these are the strengths that I value most, from those I
circled:
ill
Strengths that I would Like to Acquire
I would like to be:
One thing I could do to start
acquiring this strength is:
85
226
CHAPTER 14
YOUR OWN CODE OF ETHICS
A
code
professional
protects
ethics
of
is
standards
which
standards,
to
system
guides
Doctors,
society.
and
psychologists,
a
other
assure
a
the
moral
of
ethical
have
competence.
to guide and remind
and
ministers,
lawyers,
degree
and/or
individual
professions
high
professional codes serve
of
These
people in the
professions of what they must always strive to live up to.
You have a
have
own
given
it
ethical
uneasy
much
code
thought.
by
which
because
you
too,
Host
they
uncomfortable
or
probably
code of ethics
individuals
against
your
their
you
behavior,
your
going
have
1dhenever
live.
about
are
although you may never
own
feel
it
is
code
of
ethics.
Each of
what
we
family,
us
have
our
develops
learned
own
our
from
own unique
our
culture,
experiences.
Host
ethical codes change from time to
sometimes with
great effort,
ethical
our
from
religion,
people's
time -
code
values
our
and
sometimes easily,
and sometimes after important
life lessons are learned.
Each
for
person's
example,
one
ethical
code
person may feel
86
is
unique
that
it
to
that
is O.K.
person.
to
break
227
the
law
might
and
as
long
believe
that
everyone
punished.
as
who
he/she
laws
does
A third
doesn't
and
not
rules
do
person
so
may
may
feel
corporation,
but
individual
might
but
work
would
it
feel
not
is
O.K.
from
an
believe
to
unfair,
inappropriate,
protest,
picket,
wicked
and
steal
obeyed,
should
laws
he/she
wrong,
e.g.,
a
Still
should
be
large
another
respected,
believes
and
will
is necessary
to
be
breaking
from
individual.
or
be
but not in others,
laws
or whatever
always
Another
justified in
to
that
change
caught.
must
is
the law under some circumstances,
she/he
get
to
be
petition,
try
to
get a
law changed.
It
is
important
what
your
own
rule
your
life.
may
require
code
to
of
This
much
your
self-esteem
ethics
may
thought
important in knowing who
be
is
a
and
the
you are,
know
which
assignment,
revisions,
what
you
principles
difficult
many
that
but
you value,
and
it
is
and how
you want to live your life.
Here
is
a
personal
example.
I
recently
the task of developing my own ethical code,
and
as
nearby
of
a
human
and
striving
to
review
p•:son
time
and
to
-
be.
as
I
I
being.
it
like
often,
the
kind
I
may add
already
to
of
to
has helped me immeasurably.
87
-
my
code
myself
counselor
I
but
or change
the
act
myself
as a counselor
remind
to it,
have
keep
gave
of
of
am
ethics
the
constantly
it from
of
kind
time
writing
it
228
~
Personal Code Qf Ethics
I listen to others' feelings and
the way they wish to be helped.
I encourage others
their choices.
I help people
self-esteem.
to
find
develop
finding
their
help them in
and
discover
self-confidence,
solutions,
instead
good
I respect the uniqueness,
each individual.
value,
of
intentions,
dwelling
and
and the divine
I am ethical, honest,
I
nature of
and genuine.
recognize and acknowledge my own limitations.
I
have faith in the overall rightness of God's purpose.
Your
- -Own
- -Code
- - of
next
exercise
is
personal code of ethics.
be
like
your
any
own
other
unique
for
statement
Ethics
you
to
It will not,
person 1 s
in
of
the
your
develop
your
live your life.
world,
values,
because
your
Developing your code of
it
is
morals,
and
et'~cs
is extremely important in developing your self-esteem.
88
own
and it should not,
your ethics, and it is a statement of how you wish to,
intend to,
on
reserve
I
The
and
rather than what is ''wrong" and
I respect other people 1 s
personal judgment.
At all times,
and
strengths
self-respect,
I believe in what is O.K.,
not O.K.
I
focus on
problems.
dreams,
229
MY OWN
OF
- CODE
---
89
ETHICS
230
CHAPTER 15
DECIDING WHAT
YOU
--- WANT
Are you a
and
person who decides how,
with whom
deci.sions,
you
put
people,
you
take
your
or
want
risks,
life
to
live
your
and control
in the hands
circumstances,
and
where,
life?
your
of
when,
you
own life?
fate,
simply
Do
what,
Or
the stars,
let
life
make
do
other
happen
to
you?
Needless to say,
what
happens
to
you,
someone who simply
people
and/or
if you are
because
self-esteem
takes life as
circumstances
often don't do anything
li.ves
your
deciding and controlli.ng
they
it comes,
decide
for
higher
than
and lets other
her/him.
People
about improving or chang i. ng their
simply
have
not
or what they would li.ke to do,
want,
is
considered
what
they
be, or have.
Choice, Not Chance, ImQroves the Quali.ty of Life!
I
am not going
yourself -
to
ask
you
to
this discourages many people.
you to survey every aspect of your
is
the
li.ke
quali.ty
some
set specific goals
areas
of
life
of
your
life,
you would choose,
life
to
be
But I
am aski.ng
and decide i. f
or i f
better,
or
for
it
you would
lifferent.
Then I will ask you to think of one thi.ng you could do to
improve
the
quality
of
each aspect
are not completely satisfied with.
90
of
your
life
that
you
HOH I WANT HY LIFE TO
(a)
(b)
What is the status,
right now, of:
What progress have I
made this past year:
BE
(c)
What do I want for
myself in the coming
year:
HY BODY (Physical health and healthy behavior and habits)
Now read what you have just written under (c)
and think about it. Is this what you, yourself,
really want? Or is it what you, or someone else,
thinks you "should" do? If it is not your own
11
(d)
What is one thing I
could do to help this
begin to happen:
achievement of what you want. Visualize your
body and health as you really want it to be free from aches, pains, and fatigue, and full
of robust health, vitality, and energy.
want 11 , change until it is your own decision.
If you are perfectly healthy, and have no need
or desire to change anything about your physical
health, or your health habits, go on to the next
aspect of your self.
If you desire any changes, close your eyes and
spend several minutes visualizing the
Next, read what you wrote under (d) and think
about it. Is this reasonable, possible, and
attainable for you? Or is it another "should?"
If what you wrote is realistic and possible,
close your eyes again and spend several minutes
visualizing yourself doing this.
Now you are ready to go on to the next category.
N
w
,_.
HOW I WANT HY LIFE TO BE
(a)
(b)
What is the status,
right now, of:
What progress have I
made this past year:
I
(c)
What do I want for
myself in the coming
year:
(d)
What is one thing I
could do to help this
begin to happen:
HY MIND (Knowledge and learning)
Again, read what you have written under (c).
Now read what you have written under (d). If
this is realistic and reasonable, spend several
If this is what you really want for yourself,
spend several minutes visualizing yourself one
minutes visualizing yourself in the process of
year-_f_r()l!lnow, having accompli,she_d what you want.
doing it.
HY EMOTIONS (Taking responsibility for my own feelings and emotions, instead
of simply "reacting." Understanding and respecting myself.)
Now repeat the process of reviewing, deciding,
and visualizing, that you did in the first two
parts of this exercise.
N
w
N
(a)
lvhat is the status,
right now, of:
HOW I WANT MY LIFE TO BE
(b)
(c)
What do I want for
What progress have I
made this past year:
myself in the coming
year:
(d)
What is one thing I
could do to help this
begin to happen:
MY RELATIONSHIPS (Showing acceptance, respect, and love with friends, family, and
intimate relationships. Expanding, enhancing, and improving my relationships.)
When you are sure that what you have listed
seeing yourself as you want to be, and seeing
under (c) and (d) is what you really want for
yourself in the process of doing what will help
yourself, repeat the visualization process,
this begin to happen.
MY SPIRITUAL LIFE (Developing faith, trust, hope, love, and purpose.)
Again, repeat the decision and visualization processes.
N
w
w
HOW I WANT MY LIFE TO BE
(a)
(b)
What is the status,
right now, of:
lo/hat progress have I
made this past year:
,
(c)
What do I want for
myself in the coming
year:
~N
(d)
What is one thing I
could do to help this
b"&_in to happen:
WORK (At home, my job, my career.)
As you have done before, see yourself as you want
to be, doing what you want to be doing a year from
now. Then see yourself in the process of
doing what will help this begin to happen.
MY FINANCES (Income, spending, saving, donating, etc.)
Again, repeat your decision and visualization processes.
N
w
""'
HOW I WANT MY LIFE TO BE
(b)
(c)
\Vhat progress have I
What do I want for
made this past year:
myself in the coming
year:
HY PLEASURES (Hobbies, leisure activities, having fun,
and rewarding myself for being NE!)
(a)
What is the status,
right now, of:
(d)
lvhat is one thing I
could do to help this
begin to happen:
This visualization will be especially delightful - seeing yourself enjoying yourself!
OTHER AREAS OF MY LIFE:
--~---
I
I
DESIRE •••
BELIEVE •••
SEE •••
I
ACHIEVE •••
RECEIVE
You are a valuable person, and you deserve the best that life has
to offer. Whatever you want in life can be yours - if you really
desire it, if you think it is attainable, if you believe that you
deserve it, and if you choose to plan and work for it!
N
LU
'"'
236
CHAPTER 16
HOW
-As
you
learned
to
control
unable
depression,
ASSERTIVE ARE
- -YOU?
-in
Chapter
your
low
power
own
self-esteem,
by
trying
power
and
helpless
causes
and
anxiety,
In Chapter 5 you learned
to control their own lives
they
control
to
feeling
life
and low self-esteem.
that people who lack the
have
4,
misuse
others
their
in
potential
aggressive
or
manipulative ways.
In Chapter 6 you learned that if you are unwilling to
be
responsible
anger
in
for
yourself,
positive
and/or
you
ways,
unable
become
to
deal
with
manipulative
or
In Chapter 9 you learned that chronic
passive-aggressive.
negative emotions cause negative stress and a wide variety
of physical and mental illnesses.
All
helpless,
negative
assertive
help
of
these
being
stress
in
assertive,
can
all
People
you
ways,
whom
you
lack
manipulative
your
yourself and
posi.tive
problems
your
will
be
own
overcome
by
self-esteem
influence
everyone
assertiveness
about
will
96
control,
f eeU.ng
passive-aggressive,
relationships.
because
care
or
of
learn
learning
Not
by
only
to
will
learning
in
is
from
your
and
be
you
to
be
life
in
contagious.
your
example
237
that
it
is
will grow,
to
first
yourself,
be
assertive,
and
their
self-esteem
as your relationships improve.
The
have
O.K.
step
in
assertive
being
and knowing what you want,
made
a
start
at
kno1ving
need,
more
about
is
knowing
and value.
You
yourself
the
in
previous chapters.
The
next
step
is
learning
to
say
"yes"
to
yourself,
and taking responsibility for
your own
thoughts,
feelings,
and
get
you
and
and
actions.
you
values
have
and
yourself!
person -
deserve
the
right
your
Give
own
to
to
live
codes
yourself
of
want
according
ethics.
permission
you
need
aggressive,
to know whether
non-assertive
manipulative,
passive-aggressive,
describe
of
will
what
to
Say
to
be
an
need,
your
own
"yes"
to
assertive
to be in charge of your own life.
Next,
often
You
each
have
an
these
exercise
behavior
to
help
your
behavior
(passive
or
submissive),
I
assertive.
styles
you
or
is more
briefly,
see
which
will
then
you
behavior
styles you use most often.
Behavior Styles
AGGRESSIVE:
The
dominate and control,
goal
of
aggressive
and to get one 1 s
way,
at the expense of others' rights and needs.
97
behavior
even if
is
to
it is
238
people
Aggressive
feelings,
in
ways
They
needs,
that
and
gestures,
stress
for
and
or
their
voice,
intimidate,
make
and
to
express
coerce
for
others'
themselves
other
make
people.
threatening
humiliate.
and
enemies,
themselves
they
humiliate,
raise
accuse,
disturbances,
insensitive
rights,
demean,
threaten,
are
They
create
much
create
negative
Aggressive
others.
people
are prone to stress-related illnesses.
NON-ASSERTIVE, PASSIVE, OR SUBMISSIVE:
people
try
to
and desires don 1 t
They
others
what
choose
and
avoid conflict
by
subordinating their
even their rights -
express
they
decide
feelings
want
for
and
or
needs
to the wishes of others.
opinions,
believe
them,
Non-assertive
and
They
in.
let
and
others
don 1 t
let
tell
others
infringe
on
their rights.
Non-assertive
aggressive
people.
people
They
anxious, and frustrated,
stress.
and
They have more
more stress-related
are
often
natural
feel
victims
resentful,
for
bitter,
and they experience much negative
physical
illnesses
problems and
than
they
complaints,
would if
they
were assertive.
MANIPULATIVE:
A manipulator's
other people to do what she/he wants,
about
what she/he wants done,
98
and
objective
is
to
get
without being h0nest
without
taking
personal
239
responsibility for
devious
guilty,
or
her/his actions.
indirect
anxious,
which
methods,
stupid,
Manipulation involves
confused,
make
or
others
crazy,
feel
and
their
victims usually don't understand why they feel this way.
When
quiet,
manipulators
they
is
sugar-coated
try
martyrdom.
use anger,
not
and
effective,
indifference.
mani.pulation
When
this
become actively
they
no
longer
use
work,
works,
aggressive.
"helpless"
play
Manipulators
doesn't
and/or
different
this
If
fei.gn
methods
at
different times, with different people.
Manipulators
are
manipulate because
basically
they
non-assertive
believe they
their needs met in any other way.
they
are
acting
out
of
loving,
have no
people
power
who
to get
They often believe that
caring
feelings,
but
the
end result of their ''love'' is usually painful and damaging
for their victims.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE:
Passive-aggressive
people
are
not direct and honest because they are afraid of their own
anger and aggressiveness,
their
to
resentment,
or
even
or afraid of others'
aggressiveness.
but
from
try to hide
They
act
from
thi.s anger from
themselves
because
they
anger
and
their victims
are
don't know how, or dislike direct confrontation.
99
retaliation
afraid
of,
240
Passive-aggressors
what they don 1 t
forget,
intend to
anxious,
do,
stupid, depressed,
and
interests
they
take
or they
cloud
They
responsibility
for
promise
evade,
the
avoid,
issue with
Their victims feel
or crazy,
people know what
value.
They make choices
mean,
procrastinate,
confused,
Assertive
what
and
don 1 t
they
or change the subject.
ASSERTIVE:
met.
what
are uncommunicative,
too many words,
want,
say
act
in
for
they need
their
getting
own
their
themselves without
and
best
needs
harming or
being harmed by others.
Assertive
expressing
people
feelings,
attacking
or
themselves
communicate
needs,
discounting
without
undue
honestly
ideas,
and
others.
anxiety,
directly,
beliefs,
They
and
and
stand
exercise
l<ithout
up
for
personal
rights without denying the rights of others.
Assertive
people
and
control
the
lives
take
their
of
initiative,
own
lives,
others.
They
plan
without
like
and
for
the
their
need
respect
to
future,
control
themselves,
and they like and respect other people.
Assertive
they
are
directly.
stand
for.
people
are
uncomplicated.
comfortable
They
They know who and what
People
who
associate
100
to
be with,
communicate
they are,
,,.; th
then;
because
clearly
and
and what
they
don 1 t
have
to
241
guess at
You
their intentions.
know where
you stand with
an assertive person.
Identifying Your Own Behavior Styles
People
often
situations,
with
descriptions
have
an
of
behave
different
different
different
opportunity
to
ways,
people.
Keeping
behavior
identify
in
styles,
the
different
in
now
behavior
mind
the
you
will
styles
that
you use most often.
In
on
the
After
column
the exercise
right,
each
each indicating
situation
which
that follows,
is
indicates
a
there are
different
described,
how
you
check
would
five
columns
behavior
the
normally
appropriate
handle
situation.
If a situation is not applicable to you,
it
blank.
After
for
each
column,
completing
and
you
the
will
you most frequently use.
101
exercise,
kno1<
what
add
style.
the
leave
the
totals
behavior
styles
242
HO\v ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?
----
For
the
the
for
each situation described below, check
column on the ri.ght which indicates
behavior style.. you would normally use
that situation:
Telling a phone solicitor that you are not
interested in her/his product or service.
Turning down an invitation that you don't
want to accept.
Breaking off a relationship that you no
longer value.
Telling people who are talking duri.ng a
movie that it bothers you.
Telling a sales clerk that you were first
in line when she/he waits on someone else.
Telling your doctor that
about bei.ng kept waiting.
Telling a co-worker that
her/his radio bothers you.
you are
upset
the
music
on
Telling your child that the
her/his stereo bothers you.
music
on
Returning merchandise to
asking for a refund.
the store,
and
Telling an employee or a service person
that you are not satisfied with her/his
work.
Asking someone to repay a loan you made to
her/him.
Confronting
someone
whose
services seems too high.
bill
102
for
243
HO\; ASSERTIVE ----ARE YOU?
For
the
the
for
each situation described belo~;, check
column on the ri.ght ~<hi.ch indicates
behavior style you ~<ould normally use
that situation:
Telling your boss you
different assignment.
prefer
~<ould
a
Telling the ~<aitress that your food is not
satisfactory.
Telling the ~;aiter that your food is not
satisfactory.
Telling a friend that you
something she/he has done.
appreciate
Telling your
partner I spouse that
appreciate something she/he has done.
you
Telling your son or daughter that
appreciate something she/he has done.
you
Telling a co-~;orker, or employee, that you
are pleased ~<ith her/his ~<ork.
Telling a child you do not ~;ish to
contribute to her/his fundraising efforts.
Expressing your op1m.ons about politics,
religion, etc. ~<ith other people.
Asking a friend to do a favor for you.
Asking your partner/spouse to do a favor
for you.
Asking your son
something for you.
or
daughter
to
do
Confronting your son or daughter about not
doing her/hi.s share of the ~<ork at home.
103
244
HOH ASSERTIVE ARE YOU?
For
the
the
for
each situation described below, check
column on the right whi.ch indicates
behavior style you would normally use
that situation:
Telling a fund-rai.si.ng person that you
don't
want
to
solicit
in
your
neighborhood.
Telling a committee chair that you don't
want to work on the committee this year.
Confronting your chi.ld when she/he fails
to keep an agreement.
Confronting
your
partner/spouse
she/he fails to keep an agreement.
when
Initiating a conversation with someone you
don't know.
Refusing a friend who is asking a favor
which you don't want to do.
Refusi.ng your partner/ spouse who is asking
you to do something you don't want to do.
Refusing your child who is asking you to
do what you don't want to do.
Speaking up in a meeting when you feel
your view may not be accepted.
Asking your employer for a raise, or a
promotion, when you feel you deserve it.
Asking
afraid
silly.
a question, even when you are
the other person will think it
Quitting a job you don't like, or in which
you feel unappreciated.
Telling a smoker that the cigarette, pipe,
or cigar smoke bothers you.
104
245
HOW
ARE
- ASSERTIVE - YOU?
-For
the
the
for
each situation described below, check
column on the ri.ght which indicates
behavior style you would normally use
that situation:
Saying "no" to your boss or co-worker when
you feel overloaded with work.
Confronting your son or daughter
her/his behavior is unacceptable.
when
partner/spouse
Confronting
your
her/his behavior is unacceptable.
when
Confronting a friend when her/his behavior
is unacceptable.
Dismissing an employee
unsatisfactory.
whose
work
is
Add below some situations you must deal
with occasionally, or frequently:
Total your scores
105
246
Now that you have completed the previous exercise and
totalled your scores,
you have a
good idea whether or not
you are an assertive person.
If
you
found
i.n
aggressive,
assertive,
aggressive,
I
assertiveness,
Training,
that
as
recommend
many
manipulative,
that
assertion
soon
as
situati.ons
you
you
enroll
training,
possibly
about assertiveness can help,
or
can.
you
or
in
a
are
non-
passivecourse
in
Effectiveness
Reading
books
and some of these are listed
in the bibliography, but a course will help you much more.
Do a loving thing for yourself and for all the people
i.n your life!
Become assertive!
106
247
CHAPTER 17
STANDING TALL AND ACTING "AS IF"
As you learned in Chapter 5,
the logical or illogical
ways you think influence your feelings,
negative,
system
stressful
and
the
feelings
way
you
by
think
and you can change
your
changing
about
the
world,
belief
yourself,
and other people.
Another
especially
thi.ng
about
that
influences
yourself
is
the
act in responsible ways you will
and
worthwhile
feel
like
a
If
person,
strong,
you
assertive
way
feel
act
you
like
you
feel
act.
If
a
responsible
asserti.vely,
person.
In
you
you
other
will
words
act, and the feelings will follow!
Have
you
confident
walk
people
bent
someone
walk?
are
They
do
at
the
looking
shuffling
you
down,
over
the
noticed
ever
along,
observing
with
a
way
not
assertive,
slouch,
ground.
shoulders
person
who
or
droop,
or
Hhen
you
see
bent
is
self-
and
head
unhappy
with
him/herself and with the world.
A
walks
person
with
and back,
who
sturdy
and feels
is
assertive
strides,
head
who
has
confidence
erect,
and
shoulders
good about her/himself and
107
up
the world.
248
If
you
act
assertive
and
confident
it
will
help
you
feel
better about yourself and your world.
Here
are
two
simple
that will help you act,
exercises
look,
and
in
assertive
posture
be more self-confident:
Puppet-on-a-String Exercise
This
exercise
standing,
top
to
of
or
your
confident
be
walking.
head,
lift up,
can
and
practiced
Imagine
pulling
your
upward.
and
you
you
string
This
whole body will
looking
Practice this often,
a
when
are
sitting,
attached
causes
to
your
the
head
become more erect and
will
feel
better
too.
until it becomes habit.
The Fifty-Cent Exercise
You
or
when
theater
can
practice
you
are
or
dollar
all
your
and
back,
your
tightly
fifty-cent
or
etc.
between
buttocks
exerci.se
standing,
market,
washing dishes,
thi.s
piece.
internal
to
e.g.,
while
when
you are
waiting
doing
in
mundane
sitting,
line
chores
at
such
Imagine that
you are holding a
buttocks.
You
keep
This
exercise
organs,
and causes your
from
all
the
must
dropping
tightens
muscles
squeeze
that
and
in
the
as
halfyour
imaginary
strengthens
your
abdomen
shoulders and chest to lift in a
108
249
confident,
healthy
posture.
healthier,
more confident you!
Practice
this
often,
to
be a
and
walk
Assertive Posture for Safety
Research
has
shown
asserti.vely
standing
strides
less
or
are
raped.
So
that
tall
people
and
vulnerable
for
your
own
to
,;ho
walking
being
safety
stand
with
confident
attacked,
and
mugged,
security
act
asserti.vely!
Your Confident Signature
Here
is
another
exercise to help
you
write
your
yourself as
you
underlined,
increase your
name,
do
draw
so,
because
valuable
person."
this
not,
or
"acting-as-if"
because
sign your name,
line
i.f
is
myself,
doesn't
you
"thinking-as-if"
self-confidence.
''My name
I,
It
a
and
under
it,
Each time
thinking
important enough
am
an
matter
repeat
important
whether
this
to
you
every
to
be
and
believe
time
you will come to believe it in time.
you
Act,
and the feeling will follow!
Now take a
Practice
sheet of
underlining
every day for
your
thirty days,
paper and
signature
practice this exercise.
at
least
twenty
times
until it has become a habit.
109
250
CHAPTER 18
THE LAW OF
----
EXPECTATIONS
(RE-TRAINING YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS)
You
actions
carry
to
have
both
this
that
influence
the
one
yourself
your
learned
step
your
way
further
influences
feelings,
what
you
you
feel.
and say
your
beli.eve
that
beliefs,
self-esteem,
and
and/or
Now
the
your
the
I
way
your
want
you
to
talk
expectations,
way
people
react
to you.
the
For some
mysterious
positive,
affirming
them all
their
subconscious
about
minds
peers,
repeat
to
What remains
in
bosses,
the
their
negative,
they
have
etc.
And
"I'm
"I
it
by
"I'm
heard
these
dumb,"
"I'll
myself,"
have
from
are
the
i.e.,
gi.ven
messages
parents,
messages
"I never do
"I'm not worth
"I'm
never
all
conscious and
negating
''I'm the world's worst,"
ugly,n
forget
others
themselves over and over,
anything,"
do
that
that
anything right,"
can't
people quickly
messages
are
themselves
teachers,
they
lives.
reason,
incompetent,"
make
it,''
etc.,
etc.
List
think
What
are
the
all
of
these
of
on
the
negative
messages
self-negating
left
side
of
110
the
you
give
messages
next
page.
to
yourself?
that
you
Every
can
time
251
you
remember
catch
another
yourself
negati.ve
negating
message,
yourself,
add
and
every
these
time
messages
you
to
thi.s list:
MY SELF-NEGATING MESSAGES:
MY POSITIVE, SELF-AFFIRMING
MESSAGES: (See page 112)
111
252
Affirmations
Self-affirmations are
some
examples
of
valuable
and
opposite
affirmati.ons
"I
competent,"
the
"I
"I
worthwhile,"
self-negations.
"I'm
are:
capable,Tt
am
of
can
O.K.,"
"I
i.t,"
"I
do
succeed,"
can
"I
am
am
deserve
the best," etc.
Many
people
prayer.
valid
It
believe
has,
in
psychological
California,
affirmations
fact,
been
research
at
prayer
that
trusting,
that
receptive,
a
form
of
and
proven
by
confirmed
university
a
whi.ch
and
are
is
which
in
Redlands,
regular,
positive,
includes
positive
affirmations and positive visualizations is also healing.
Prayer
regrets,
that
and
conscious
includes
resentments,
mind,
and
reacts
accordingly,
blame,
negations,
the
fear,
guilt,
keep
these
subconscious
allowing
regrets,
us
and
blame,
to
negations,
negatives
or
in
the
unconscious
project
resentments
guilt,
to
the
mind
fear,
world.
We thus live in a world of negativity and pessimism.
The
type
effective
in
emotional,
of
prayer
healing
and
affirmations
want
be,
to
positive
people
spiritual
positive
that
mental
that
was
of
their
problems
imagery
have
what
(seeing
112
that
you
to
be
physical,
contained
(verbalizing
you
found
you
as
mental,
statements
are
desi.re,
yourself
most
of
what
you
etc.)
and
you
wish
to
be).
The
subconscious
such
positives,
abundance,
or
as
unconscious
health,
absorbs
forgiveness,
harmony,
friendship,
mind
etc.,
and
COUl
causes
you
to
has
a
believe and expect that your good will come about.
The Law of Expectations
This
the
is
physiological,
Law
of
Expectations,
scientific explanation:
your brain (the conscious part,
which
The cortex part of
or the part with which you
think) sends signals to the brain stem (the more primitive
part
of
your
conscious
have
brain)
thoughts
which
and
beliefs.
results,
positive
reacts
and
causes
and
reactions,
negati.vely.
your
you
Other
the same way.
Positive
negative
If your thinking and your
stem
responds
to
your
expectations
expectations
have
This is a scientific law.
negative results.
brain
and
body
wi.ll
people
So your
self-talk are negative,
to
respond
behave
observe
with
the
negative
pessimistically
this,
and
treat
and
you
in
negative expectations can push you
toward failure.
If
turn out
you
well
confidence.
will
expect
reflect
and
for
Your
you,
facial
your
tell
you
yourself
will
113
of
an
behave with
expressions,
at ti. tude
that
will
optimism and
posture,
posi.tive
event
and
speech
expectations.
254
Other
your
people
will
attitude,
you
have
perceive
and
be
positive
your
willing
confidence,
will
reflect
cooperate.
So,
because
to
expectations
and
affirming
self-talk,
your behavior will push you toward success.
Changing Your Negati.ons Into Affirmations
Now
go
back
to
negating
messages,
opposite
these
are
talk
111,
on
or
your
where
the
negations,
writing,
and
and
Don 1 t
affirmation.
you
page
right
change
worry
about
not.
Remember
positive
you
listed
side
each
-
you
your
self-
the
page,
of
into
whether
your
a
positive
believe
affirming
expectations
can
what
self-
make
each
affirmation become true.
If
example,
right
you have written on the
"I
side
wrote
"I'm
valuable
never
of
not
This
may
and
take
anythi.ng
page,
worth
person.
affirmations,
stop
the
do
11
and
"I
do
right,"
many
anything,"
Continue
every
change
left side of the
that
things
change
changing
time
you
effort,
to
write
well."
it
your
start
negation
much conscious
now
page,
to
on
the
If
you
"I
am
negations
negate
into
an
but
the
a
into
yourself
affi.rmation!
results
be overwhelmingly worth all the effort you put into it.
114
for
will
255
Feeling Uncomfortable
If
your
talk make
ease,
affirmations,
you
feel
and
uncomfortable,
don't let this stop you.
positive
beliefs,
affirmations,
ethics,
which
are
goi.ng
included
better.
You
are
in
affirming
embarrassed,
or
expectations,
against
much
new
self-
ill-at-
What is happening is that
positive
Change is never comfortable
the
your
your
positive
former
negativity
and
code
of
pessimism.
even when it is a change for
the
process
of
changing
your
former negative self-image into a new positive self-image.
So
bear
positivism
When
you
with
the
become
have
discomfort
habit,
increased
and
your
until
become
a
part
self-esteem,
positive ways will be more comfortable.
115
affirmations
of
your
then
and
Self.
the
new
256
CHAPTER l2.
HUGGING FOR HEALTH
I'd
li.ke
nutrient,
or
tell
costs
in
in
Infants
are
severe
psychological
because
of
the
never-ending
most
world.
and
potent,
It
could
Yet many
deprived
is
curative
very
be
easy
to
avai.lable
people all over
nutrient
or
for
this
to
the world
nutrient
sometimes
As
in
compulsive
search
of
damage
deprivation.
thi.s
inappropriate
the
the
deficiency of this nutrient.
who
of
about
nothing,
the world.
suffer from a
deprived
you
medicine,
administer,
everyone
to
adults,
their
they
people
childhood
behavior
what
even
and
suffer
death
who
were
suffer
from
addi.ctions,
missed
in
talking about
is
in
infancy
a
and
childhood.
The nutrient which I
am
simply
human
touch.
SKIN HUNGER
Babi.es
lack
of
hunger,
have
died
touching.
11
is
the
disturbances,
substance
abuse,
or
become
A deficiency
cause
of
of
a
violent
116
psychotic
human
touch,
number
of
depression,
includi.ng
and
severly
behavior.
or
from
''skin
emotional
hyperactivity,
Some
children
257
deliberately
behave
establishing
skin
in negative ways
contact,
even
just for a chance at
if
it
is
a
painful
spanking.
Adults
to
who
people
are
addicted
even
to
to
drugs,
destructive
alcohol,
food,
relationships
or
were
probably deprived of their need for closeness as infants.
At
the
touching
in
esteem
and
for
false
a
very
dependent
least,
infancy
a
need
sense
on
lack
and
to
someone
adequate
childhood
attach
of
of
"self"
else
to
can
ourselves
and
nurturing
cause
to
low
another
self-esteem,
make
us
feel
selfperson
or
like
and
a
to
be
whole
person.
Diagnosing and Treating Yourself
The way
the
way
you were
you
nurturing,
were
loving,
capable of giving.
treated
in infancy and
treated.
and
You
touching
were
as
childhood is
given
your
as
much
parents
were
Your needs may have been greater than
your
parents were capable of meeting.
You can mourn what
you
lacked,
the
resentment,
but
and
you
can't
change
self-punishment
can't
past.
change
Blame,
anything.
But your decisions and actions now can change your future.
If you suffer from symptoms I have mentioned addictions,
compulsions,
depression,
117
or
namely
low self-esteem
258
you
may
be
suffering
from
"skin
hunger"
or
"attachment
hunger."
The
by
good
being
Conti.nue
a
life
good,
and
for
you,
yourself,
guilt,
more
to
human
touch,
at
least
up
but
for
of
parent
to
yourself
Do
is
you
not healthy.
and
from
be
love,
better
know
is
Live your
ethics.
rights,
cured
yourself.
will
you
whatever
values
your
so
even
Respect
assertive,
rather
than
and
from
This
four
to ask for
importantly,
you
may
need
can
have
be
every
hugs
look
wi.ll
health,
Your Most Important Medi.cine
what
one
your
nurturing
life
most
for
enough
-
own
your
responsibility
else
helped
or anger •
Finally,
dose
can
yourself.
.fu!.g_ Therapy -
daily
be
about
your
Live
fear,
you
and avoid what
stand
tall.
that
loving,
like
according
stand
is
learning
understand
healthy
news
out
for
met
what you want
increase
your
by
And
so
and
as
self-esteem,
infant
getting
must
be
No
assertive
It will
and
take
you need.
must
need.
generous
and
you
that
you
a
an
giving
the hugs
you,
need
lacked
day.
getting all
you
help
improve
everyone
else whom you hug.
An
hug
apple
helps
a
keep
day
may
keep
the
gloom
the
away,
118
doctor
as
i.t
away,
gives
but
you
a
good
mental,
259
emotional,
physical,
and
self-esteem
benefits
beyond
measure!
How to .fu!.g_
Any ki.nd of touching helps,
is not a cheek-touch,
but
the
best ki.nd of hug
nor is it an A-frame hug.
a stiff-as-a-board hug, nor a body crusher.
full-bodied hug,
with thoughts of love
It isn't
It is a warm,
telepathically sent
to the person you are hugging.
A Hugging Exercise
Your
next exercise
at least four
see
how much
hugs
better
i.s
in the
you
an
next
feel!
assi.gnment
to
gi.ve and
twenty-four hours,
It
doesn't
go
get
just to
against
my
code of ethics to advise you to fib a little when it comes
to hugs.
tell
If you have already had four hugs,
people "I
need more
hugs
hug from you?"
119
today.
~lay
it is O.K.
I
to
have another
260
PART
D
--YOUR 30-DAY PROGRAM
FOR SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT
We
have
children,
now
and
many
significantly
learn
few
more
discussed
ways
damaged.
about
theories
how
in
and
which
You
yourself,
self-esteem
have
and
techniques
for
self-esteem
had
you
develops
an
have
in
can
be
opportunity
to
learned
increasing
about
a
your
self-
Program for
Self-
esteem.
Now
you are
ready
for
Esteem Development.
The
for
to
this
program
is
Your
30-Day
purpose
give
of
you
choosing
an
thirty
opportuni.ty
days
to
form
behavior
that
positive, constructive, self-esteem habits.
Habits
you learn
are
Habits
reinforcement.
reversed,
decision,
responses,
to do automatically,
decide.
or
reacti.ons,
They
by
and
can
taking
then
by
without having to
formed
are
be
the
and
by
repetiti.on
modified,
trouble
repeating
and
think or
changed,
to
make
a
practicing
and
replaced,
conscious
the
new
are
the
behavior.
Habits
are
machinery
r•
you
reach
can
your
your life.
your
tools
for
living.
They
You have unlimited potential, and
potential
120
more
easily
with
well-
261
adjusted,
are
smooth-runni.ng
responsible
world,
Hhat
for
without
happens
machinery
your
reference
with
your
own
to
own
of
li.ving.
success
any
or
failure
standards
self-esteem
You
but
alone
in
your
the
own.
depends ··solely
on
your habits.
The
easy,
30-day
and
because
program
perhaps
you
are
it
which
will
follows
feel
exchanging
is
simple,
uncomfortable
old
habit
but
at
patterns
not
first,
for
new
ones.
You
will
need
exercises every
of
greater
to
day
encourage
for
a
month,
self-esteem,
yourself
to
with
reward
the
complete
motivation
and
the
in sight
continue
to
growing.
Instructions:
Each
day
for
days,
pages)
of
pages,
and
write
something
you simply
write
''I
write
this
thirty
"nothing"
self-esteem
each
of
the
i.s
program.
did
too
to
be
spaces
program will be equal
complete
Follow
in
the
each
able
every
to
to the
idea
write
day.
the
spaces,
But don't
The
often.
section
instructions
of
nothing.''
one
of
let
Your
on
benefit
the
even
if
yourself
building
something
(two
your
positive
from
in
this
conscientious effort that you
put into i.t.
121
262
~!Y
30-DAY PROGRM1
FOR
SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOPMENT
122
263
Day
l
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to enjoy the next 24 hours and
not try to tackle all of my Froblems at once.
I release myself from worry.
·'.,,·
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, gui.lt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression di.strust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and
or was it irrational and illogical?
123
logical,
264
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me
(whether I
7.
What did I
do
8.
What did I
do today
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
today that was assertive?
to improve my mind?
gave four hugs
someone else?
to: 1) ___________________
2) _ _ _ _ _ __
3) _ _ _ _ _ __
4) _ _ _ _ _ __
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are fallin? asleep.
I love mySELF, and I'm good to me.
I love others by letting them be.
I deserve all good, just because I am me.
124
265
Day
2
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to be pleasant and agreeable
all day, with everyone I meet. I will be
courteous, considerate, and respectful with
everyone - including myself.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had
today was ___________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
125
266
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
someone else?
gave four hugs to:!) ____________________
2) ________________
3) ________________
4) ________________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world, One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
i.s:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are fallin? asleep.
The present is the only time I can live.
Love is the only thing I can give.
Peace arrives when I forgive.
126
267
Date ______________________
Day 3
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose not to judge, criticize, or
find fault with myself, or with any other
person.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I had today was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
127
268
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ________________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I forgive all others, and let go of blame.
I forgive myself, I release guilt and shame.
I send out love, and receive the same.
128
269
Day
Date ______________________
4
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to take responsibility for all
my feelings. No other person can hurt me or
make me angry without my permission.
*
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was _____________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
129
270
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ________________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I decide how I want to be,
Because I alone am responsible for me.
Today I choose peace and harmony.
130
271
Day
Date _______________________
5
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to improve my mind. I will
read something that requires effort, thought,
and concentration, and I will learn something
useful.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, beli.eve, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was _________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
131
272
6.
What di.d I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ____________________
2) ________________
3) ________________
4) ________________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I believe in myself, I am O.K.
Yesterday is gone, there's only today.
Today I know that I'm O.K.
132
273
Day
6
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose not to try to change or improve
any other person, The only person I can change
is myself.
*
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
\vhat di.d I think, beli.eve, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was _____________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
133
274
6.
What did I do today~ for me (whether I
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ____________________
2) ______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
i.s:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I am responsible for what I receive.
I decide on the goals that I achieve.
Peace and love are what I believe.
134
275
Day
7
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose not to feel sorry for myself.
Instead of asking "Why?" I will ask myself
''What can I do to change myself, or my
situation? 11
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
l.
A positive feeling
I
had
the
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassi.on, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A ne ga ti ve feeling I
had to day was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
135
276
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me
(whether I
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my
10.
What did I
do
11.
Today I
body and
today for someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I choose to let go of hurt and fear,
Because those are past, and only love is here.
I love myself, and find others dear.
136
277
Day
Date ____________________
8
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to take responsibility for
myself, my actions and reactions, my situation,
my health. The only person responsible for
me is me.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had
the
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling
I
had today was. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
137
278
6.
\vhat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind aP you
are falling asleep.
I'm not a victim of the world that I see.
I am a winner because I choose to be.
I love myself and take care of me.
138
279
Day
Date ______________________
9
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to make a plan for my activities
of the day. I may not follow my plan exactly,
but having a plan will save me from hurry and
indecision.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
139
280
just for ~ (whether I
6.
\.Jhat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
to improve my mind?
gave four hugs
body and
someone else?
to: 1) ___________________
2) ______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I am whole and complete.
I am special and unique,
Self-knowledge is what I seek.
140
281
Date
Day 10
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to schedule a quiet half hour
all by myself to relax. This will help me
get a better perspective of my life.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had
the
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling
I
had today was _____________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and
or was it irrational and illogical?
141
logical,
282
6.
lvhat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7,
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
My thoughts and actions rule my life.
I choose to live love, and let go of strife,
142
283
Day
Date _______________________
11
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to do a kindness for another
person, without expecting praise or reward.
My reward will be my own good feeling.
*
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeli.ng I
had today was ____________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, gui.lt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavi.or,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
143
284
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
gave four
just for me (whether I
body and
someone else?
hugs to: 1) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
2) _____________
3) _______________
4) _____________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I am loving and kind,
and I have peace of mind,
Because I get what I give,
and I am what I live.
144
285
Date ______________________
Day 12
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into- your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to do a kindness for myself something that will make me happy.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
l.
A positive feeling
I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling
I
had today was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
145
286
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I
do
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for someone else?
11.
Today I
today that was assertive?
gave four hugs
to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I love mySELF, and I'm good to me.
I love others by letting them be.
I deserve all good, just because I am me.
146
287
Day
Date _____________________
13
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to exercise my body for twenty
minutes, whether I want to or not, by bicycling,
running, jogging, swimming, walking, yoga,
aerobics, etc.
*
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
the
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling
I
had today was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational ~nd illogical?
147
288
~
6.
I.Jhat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
I.Jhat did I do today that was assertive?
8.
I.Jhat did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
I.Jhat did I do today to improve my body and
health?
for me (whether I
10.
I.Jhat did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
Today I choose love instead of fear,
Because, right now, only love is here.
148
289
Date ______________________
Day 14
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to take care of myself in the
best way I possibly can, just like a nurturing,
loving parent would want me to.
.,...
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
\vhat did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I had today was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, con tempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
149
290
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did
I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did
I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
gave four hugs
someone else?
to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling a• 1.eep.
I am special and unique, I am whole and complete.
I am accepted by everyone I meet.
150
291
Day
Date ______________________
15
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to do two things I don't
want to do, just for the exercise in
willpower.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I thi.nk, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I had to day was _________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
151
292
~
6.
\Vhat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
for me (whether I
7.
\Vhat did I do today that was assertive?
8.
\Vhat did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
\Vhat did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
\Vhat did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother,
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
The past is gone, it cannot hurt me.
The present is here, and it's peace that I see.
152
293
Day
Date
16
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to eliminate four expressions
from my vocabulary: 11 I can't", 11 I should",
11 I have to 11 ,
and 11 I 1 11 try". This wi 11 remind
me of my freedom to choose how I really want
to live my life.
*
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling
I
had
the
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
\vhat did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeli.ng
I
had today was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, gui.lt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
153
294
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
today to improve my body and
someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
Right now is the only time I can live.
Love is what I want to give.
Peace is here because I forgive.
154
295
Day
Date ______________________
17
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to give my best to the world,
and trust that the world will give its best
to me.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I thi.nk, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative fee 1 ing I
had today was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
155
296
6,
\~hat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I do
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
tod~y
just for me (whether I
that was assertive?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I forgive myself, and release guilt and shame.
I forgive all others, and let go of blame.
I give only love, and receive the same.
156
297
Day
Date _________________
18
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to live my life from love,
rather than from fear, hurt, or anger.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
l.
A positive feeling I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
\jhat did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was ____________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
157
298
6.
What di.d I do today
11anted to or not)?
just for me (11hether I
7.
What did I do today that 11as assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ________________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
11orld. One of my unique (not better, not 11orse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the follo11ing affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I decide what I want to achieve.
I'm responsible for what I receive.
Love and peace are what I believe.
158
299
Day
Date ______________________
19
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to look my best all day.
I will be neat, clean, and well-groomed.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling
I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
lvhat did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
159
300
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
~
for me (whether I
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) __________
2) ______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I am a winner because I choose to be.
I let others be winners by setting them free.
160
301
Day
20
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to be happy. Abraham Lincoln
said, "Most folks are as happy as they make
up their minds to be." I decide to be happy.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
the
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling
I
had today was _____________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
161
302
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for someone else?
11.
Today I
gave four hugs
to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
i. s :
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling aslee: .
Today I know that I am O.K.
The past is gone, there's only today.
I believe in myself, and I know I•m O.K.
162
303
Day
21
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to make amends for what I
feel guilty about, then release the guilt,
*
*
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
\~hat
3.
A negative feeling I
did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
had today was ________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
163
304
~
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
for me
(whether I
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
2) ______________
3) _____________
4) _____________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I choose to let go of pain and fear.
I live only love, so peace is here.
164
305
Day 22
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to release all resentments.
This will give me better health and more
energy to live my own life as I want to.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreci.ation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
165
306
6.
What did I do today~ for me (whether I
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did
do today for
11.
Today I
I
gave four
someone else?
hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleer
Hy actions and thoughts always rule my life.
I choose peace and love, and I release all strife.
166
307
Date ______________________
Day 23
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today 1 choose not to worry about the future.
Planning is productive, but worrying destroys
health and wastes time.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was _______________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
167
308
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do
11.
Today I
today for someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are fallin2 asleep.
I always choose love instead of fear,
Because, at all times, love is here.
168
309
Date _____________________
Day 24
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconsci.ous mi.nd:
Today I choose to express appreciation
to someone 1 care about.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces i.n the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, ap pr ecia tion, gratitude, acceptance,,
hope, compassi.on, understandi.ng, forgi.veness,
joy,
love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I had today was __________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt,
fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, l.vorry, depres-
sion distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
169
310
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to i.mprove my body and
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
gave four
just for me (whether I
someone else?
hugs to: 1) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
2) ______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I choose to release all hurt and fear.
Because those are past, and only peace is here.
I love myself, and find others dear.
170
311
Date ______________________
Day 25
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to let go of regrets from
the past. The past is over, and cannot
be changed.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling
I had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreci.ati.on, grati.tude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What di.d I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A neg a ti. v e feeling
I had
today was _________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
\vhat was my beli.ef, my thought, or my behavi.or,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
171
312
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ________________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
i.s:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
The past is gone, it cannot hurt me.
The present is here, and it's love that I see.
172
313
Day
Date ______________________
26
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose not to try to control
anyone but myself.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had
the
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
Hhat did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling
I
had
today was _________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, gui.lt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
173
314
6.
\vhat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
just for me (whether I
7.
What did I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I do today to improve my body and
health?
10.
What did I do today for someone else?
11.
Today I gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _ _ _ _ _ __
3) _ _ _ _ _ ____
4) _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I alone am responsible for me.
I decide who I want to be.
I am peace and harmony.
174
315
Day
Date ____________________
27
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to carry one task through
to completion.
.,.
·'·
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had
the
today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had today was ___________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
175
316
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did
I do today that was assertive?
8.
What did
I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did
health?
I do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
11.
Today I
just for me (whether I
do today for someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I believe in me, and I know I'm O.K.
Peace and love are here today.
Today I know I am O.K.
176
317
Day
28
Date
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to take time to listen with
empathy and understanding to someone who
needs a good listener.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
the
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
Hhat did I think, beli.eve, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative feeling I
had
today was __________________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, gui.lt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
Hhat was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Has this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
177
318
6.
\>/hat did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today I
just for me (whether I
today to improve my body and
someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
is:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I love others by setting them free.
I am a winner because I 1 m free to be.
178
319
Day
Date ______________________
29
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to forgive myself for mistakes
I have made in the past. I no longer need to
punish myself.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What did I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3,
A negative feeling
I
had
today was ___________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, gui.lt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
179
320
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
7.
What did I
do today that was assertive?
8.
What did I
do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today
10.
What did I
do today for
11.
Today
I
just for me (whether I
to improve my body and
someone else?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) ______________
3) ______________
4) ______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
i.s:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I am special and unique.
I am whole and complete.
I deserve the best that I seek.
180
321
Day
Date
30
--------------------
In the morning, before you get out of bed, read the
following affirmation out loud several times, letting the
thought and the decision be absorbed into your conscious
mind, and into your subconscious mind:
Today I choose to forgive the people who
have hurt me in the past. This will help
me find peace and serenity.
In the evening, before going to bed, complete all the
blank spaces in the following statements:
1.
A positive feeling I
had today was
(Examples of positive feelings are:
Respect,
trust, appreciation, gratitude, acceptance,
hope, compassion, understanding, forgiveness,
joy, love, etc.)
2.
What di.d I think, believe, or do, that caused
or contributed to this positive feeling?
3.
A negative fee 1 ing I
had today was ______________
(Examples of negative feelings are:
Hurt, fear,
anger, resentment, hatred, blame, guilt, frustration, jealousy, envy, anxiety, worry, depression distrust, contempt, etc.)
4.
What was my belief, my thought, or my behavior,
that caused or contributed to this negative
feeling?
5.
Was this belief or thought rational and logical,
or was it irrational and illogical?
181
322
~
6.
What did I do today
wanted to or not)?
for me (whether I
7.
What did I
8.
What did I do today to improve my mind?
9.
What did I
health?
do today to improve my body and
10.
What did I
do today for someone else?
11.
Today I
do today that was assertive?
gave four hugs to: 1) ___________________
2) _______________
3) _______________
4) _______________
12.
I am not my sister or brother, my father or
my mother.
I am special and unique, and
different from every other person in the
world. One of my unique (not better, not worse just different) qualities or characteristics
i.s:
At bedtime, read the following affirmation out loud
several times.
Say it over and over in your mind as you
are falling asleep.
I deserve all good, just because I am me.
I love myself, and l'm good to me.
I love others by letting them be.
182
323
YOU HAVE WITHIN YOURSELF,
AT EVERY SINGLE MOMENT,
AND UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES,
THE POWER TO CHANGE YOURSELF,
AND THE CAPABILITY OF TRANSFORMING
THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU ARE A WINNER!
183
324
CHAPTER IV
LIMITATION, CONCLUSIONS, AND REMAINING CONCERNS
The
topic
esteem
is
covers
which
an
every
facet
are
cover,
detail,
bibliography
length,
and
of
almost
for
this
aspect
perhaps
literature
and
which
had
self-
probably
of
been
The
able
self-esteem,
thousands
review
-
sociology.
I
If
unlimi.ted.
be
project
subject
psychology
every
would
the
selected
all-encompassing
limitations
in
I
might
of
fill
the
pages
a
to
large
in
part
of the Library of Congress.
This
project
researching
intended
the
evolved
subject
thesis,
I
esteem
enhancement
esteem
in
children
what
children
find
no
need
agreement
i.n
of
could
for
find
no
adults.
for
to
a
way
it
self-esteem
seemed
as
the
to
good
what
for
one
Books
be
did
my
on
for
self-
building
self-
in
accord
self-image.
need
i.n
originally-
source
mostly
adults
because,
But
for
as
I
to
could
increasing
their own self-esteem.
Many
have
build
what
psychologists,
written
very
self-esteem,
the
author
self-esteem,
i.nspiring
but
thought
e.g.:
psychiatrists,
books
each
had
was
most
whi.ch
a
and
other
are
intended
specialized
important
wri.ters
fv.-
focus
to
on
enhancing
325
Understand and accept all your genuine feelings.
Organize and discipline your thinking and
understanding.
Replace irrational beliefs with rational beliefs.
Act with confidence and you will become confident.
Perform only acts which you feel
proud of.
Affirm your uniqueness and your worth.
Be a good parent to yourself.
Be assertive.
Give and get lots of hugs.
Some
weighty
of
volumes
found
have
the
more
valid
requiring
that
difficulty reading
books
attention
people
with
because of
on
self-esteem
and
were
concentration.
low
self-esteem
I
have
their limited attention span
and limited ability to concentrate.
My
intent
single
aspect
enough
factual
handbook
which
in
of
this
project
self-esteem
information
is
brief
to
how
why
and
adequately,
diminish
self-esteem
understand
self-esteem,
some
~
th
not
to
detail,
simple.
cover
but
authenticate
and
intended to be read quickly,
in
is
and
The
every
to
obtain
validate
handbook
a
is
to learn what self-esteem is,
does
of
the
or
does
major
exercises
not
develop
conditions
designed
to
which
increase
326
self-awareness
and
self-esteem.
More
speci.fically,
the
exercises in the handbook will:
1.
Help readers learn more about themselves and what may
have caused them to have a low self-esteem.
2.
Encourage
feelings,
them
to
thoughts,
take
actions,
responsibility
for
their
own
and their mental and physical
health.
3.
Encourage them to become assertive and to take charge
of their own lives.
4.
Help
them
differentiate
from
others,
and
recognize
and acknowledge their own uniqueness and specialness.
5.
Load
their
consciousness
unconsciousness
and
with
positive affirmations which are intended to counteract and
negate
the
pessimism and negativity
that are hallmarks
of
low self-esteem.
would
I
brief,
yet
could
be
I
like
was
to
as
without
have
had
economical
the
handbook
with wordage
depreciating
or
even
as
detracting
I
more
felt
from
I
the
important points.
I
believe
to
that
want
it
who
consci.entiously
the
handbook
help
accomplish
their
self-respect,
increase
their
ability
enhance their existence.
to
accomplish
everyone
completes
increase
will
all
who
the
self-love,
love
and
to
reads
what
I
it,
and
exercises,
to
and
be
self-esteem;
loved;
and
327
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334
APPENDIX A
Shirley J. 2-Jangini
THE COUNSELING PLACE
818/702-0727
A THIRTY-OAY SELF-ESTEEM OIET
Self-esteem is that wonderful, elusive, nebulous quality that everyone wants
and needs, and without which no one can function at their highest and best
potential. S~lf-esteem has been described as a combination of self-respect,
self-confidence, and a feeling of self-worth. When you have self-esteem you
are glad that you are you, and you feel that you matter - that the world is a
better place because you are here.
If there is no self-esteem the deficiency creates a feeling of emptiness which
some people try to fill with alcohol, drugs, food, excessive sex, destructive
relationships, and other f~s of addictions. But the emptiness is like a
bottomless hole whic:h can never be filled up.
There are no genes to give the feeling of self-esteem and self-worth to children.
But it can be developed under the proper conditions. Children develop self-esteem
if they are treated with warmth, acceptance, and respect; if tha parents have
self-esteem themselves; and if the parents communicate clearly what they will
and will not tolerate in the behavior of the Child. Self-esteem does not develop
under conditions of rejection, disrespect, and unclear communication.
Sometimes people with basically good self-esteem may go through periods of adversity, which can damage their self-esteem. The feelings of self-worth may or may
not return when the negative circumstances end.
Psychologists have developed a variety of theories about building and maintaining
self-esteem. Some of these are: '
Understand and accept all your genuine feelings.
Organize and discipline your thinking and your understanding.
Act with self-confidence and you will become self-confident.
Perform only acts which you feel proud of.
Affirm your uniqueness and your worth ...
Be a good parent to yourself.
Be assertive.
Get lots of hugs.
The good news is that you can rebuild your self-esteem, whether you are a victim
of poor parenting, or of circumstances.
The bad news is that it will require 10 to 15 minutes of your time every single
day for thirty days. Although it is truly a very simple program, it may not be
easy or comfortable (change is never easy or comfortable), and y~u may find
yourself resisting it at first.
Like a child who must be brought kicking and screaming for inoculations, and then
given a reward when it is over, you will need to encourage yourself to do the exer ..
cises every day, but wi(l be rewarded with greater self-esteem at the end of thirty
days. And you will have a built .. in momentum to continue growing in self-esteem.
It has been found that anything that is ~onsciously repeated every day for thirty
days becomes automatic .. a habit. This program is designed to make self .. esteem a
habit for you. Try it ... it works!
Instructions: Each day for thirty days, complete one of the following pages of
your 11 8elf-Esteem Journal 11 • Write something in each of the spaces, even if you
simply write 11 1 did nothing 11 • But don't let yourself write 11 nothing 11 too often.
The idea is to be able to write something positive in each of the spaces, to build
your self-esteem.
335
APPENDIX B
Shirley J. t1angini
THE COUNSELING PLACE
818/702-0727 or 346-2089
Date________________________
MY SELF·ESTEEM JOURNAL
Every morning, write your name in the blank Sf.'ace and read out loud to xourself:
am a valuable individual.
I'
I am a separate, unique human being.
1 feel, I think, I act, and I love.
I deserve the best that life has to offer.
Every evening complete this Journal:
1. A negative feeling I had today was
2. What did I do (or not do) that caused or contributed to this negative feeling?
3. A positive feeling I had today was
4. Hhat did I do (or not do) that cau&-e"'d,--o"'r-,-,c_o_n"t"'r7!'"b-u""t-e"d-::-to,-::;th"!;-s--p-o-s'"l"t"l:-v-e--;f,-,e-e'l-;!,-ng7
5. What I did today Just for me (whether I wanted to or not):
6. What I did today to imp rov~ my mind:
7. What 1 did today to improve my body and health:
8. What I did today for someone else:
9. Today I gave four hugs away to: 1)
2)
3)
4)
10. One thing about me that is unique and different from someone in my family:
My unique quality or characteristic:
Name of family member:
At bedtime, write your name in the blank space and read out loud to yourself:
I , ;:::::;-:;:;;-;;;;;-;;--;::::;-,--;::-:-:cc-:;- am a v a l ua b 1e person.
I love my SELF, and I am good to me.
I love othera by letting them be.
1 deserve all good, just because I am me.