PARABLE OF THE LOST SHEEP, ISH
Two shepherds; one old (1st Shepherd), the other young, possibly wearing L-plates.
Minimal costume – stereotypical tea-towel held by a circlet; crooks. The 1st Shepherd
should speak from the pulpit, or from behind a screen so that his lower half in invisible
to the congregation. A lamb figure is concealed by the feet of the 1st Shepherd – a big
Shaun the Sheep doll/puppet/hot water bottle cover, if possible, or an inflatable. Lots of
little children milling about being sheep and lambs (white tops; black noses). If
facilities are available sound effects from a custom-made CD could be used.
Opportunities for such effects are given in R marginal notes, but can happily be
ignored.
Props: a large scroll (2nd Shepherd); Shaun the Sheep concealed in pulpit
(1st Shepherd)
option: take photo of Shaun and prepare some A6 ‘Missing’
SFX Overture (before
notices for distribution
the service.) Sheep
May Safely Graze
(orch) dubbed with
herd bleats
IN-SERVICE PRESENTATION
1st Shepherd Good morrow, shepherd: how is it with thee?
2nd Shepherd Fair middling, shepherd. Have a cup of tea.
1st Shepherd Why, thank you, shepherd.
Ee, I like this life;
A lot of sheep, but not a lot of strife.
2nd Shepherd Huh. You can talk. You haven’t met the wife.
1st Shepherd Tell me about it. I’ve got one as well.
At certain times I do believe in, er, fairies.
Far better being out here with the flocks
Than listening to ’er moan about your socks.
2nd Shepherd ’tis wisdom that you speak, old man, of course –
For if we would be nagged we’d wed a horse.
1st Shepherd A pretty jest. I’m laughing fit to burst.
They always say the old ones are the worst.
‘Old man’, you call me, but experience tells
on cold and windy nights upon these fells
where every icy blast doth sear and shock,
especially when it blows straight up your smock.
Some forty years of such inclement weather,
and shepherds get a hide like well-tanned leather.
Thou art a raw beginner, I should think –
Thy countenance a pretty shade of pink:
SFX – repeat Overture
to cover entrance of
shepherds, then slow
fade
Thou seem’st a trifle youthful in demeanour,
in fact I’ve never seen a shepherd greener,
if I may say. Hast passed thy CSEs?
(Certificate of Shepherd Expertise?)
2nd Shepherd I’ve only done the first of those exams –
and so I’m only looking after lambs.
But full-grown sheep, they can be proper devils –
that’s why I have to wait for my A-Levels.
1st Shepherd Two written papers and an oral test
with sheep cut out of cardboard, I should guess.
Such bureaucratic notions make me weep The proper study of sheepkind is sheep.
You pass exams with cribbing and with flannelling,
Ignorant of the very smell of lanoline.
Go forth this day and emulate Bo-peep,
And do a proper roll-call of thy sheep.
2nd Shepherd I get to six, and then I fall asleep.
You see, I haven’t really learned the knack
of counting sheep, and never losing track.
1st Shepherd It’s easy when you know how.
2nd Shepherd
Tell me more.
1st Shepherd You count the legs and then divide by four
2nd Shepherd [after a puzzled pause, frowning and counting upon his fingers.]
Oh yes. I see. It pleases you to jest
(they always say the old ones are the best.)
But I’d be happier mid this ovine host
If thou wouldst only teach me what thou knowest.
And could we drop this ‘thou’ and thee’, d’you think?
It don’t half make the congregation blink.
What’s good enough for that Kevin Mayhew
Should surely be enough for me and you.
1st Shepherd A pleasure, shepherd. Rosters we will share
And I will demonstrate. The names you read
and I reply in ovine fashion – ‘baa’. [“meeee-hr”]
One try, I’m sure, is all that you will need.
2nd Shepherd Ooh, go on then. I’m game to try it once,
Lest these good people take me for a dunce.
[he takes up the scroll, ridiculously large, and reads. The interplay is in
strict metre and will take some practice to get right!]
Young Amos.
st
1 Shepherd
baa.
2nd Shepherd
Bathsheba.
1st Shepherd
baa.
nd
2 Shepherd
Big Fred.
1st Shepherd baa.
2nd Shepherd
Nellie.
1st Shepherd
baa.
nd
2 Shepherd
Bald Aggie.
1st Shepherd
baa.
2nd Shepherd
Old Ned.
Old Ned?
1st Shepherd
baa.
nd
2 Shepherd
Gladys.
1st Shepherd
baa.
nd
2 Shepherd
Mad Buttercup.
1st Shepherd Moo-moo.
2nd Shepherd
I beg you pardon?
1st Shepherd
Sorry, baa.
2nd Shepherd Melinda. Wilf. Perdita.
1st Shepherd
baa. baa. baa.
2nd Shepherd Bernice.
1st Shepherd
baa.
2nd Shepherd
Sweet Denise.
st
1 Shepherd
baa.
2nd Shepherd
Soft Felice
1st Shepherd (breaking out of character [‘corpsing’ but deliberately] and out of metre &
chuckling) What did you say? Soft Felice? Oh never mind. I think they missed it (back
into character)
Now as you were.
2nd Shepherd
1st Shepherd
2nd Shepherd
Alberto.
baa.
And Shaun.
Shaun? Shaun? Where art thou? Sound thy sheepish horn.
A silence. Heavens! Could it be that Shaun
1st Shepherd
is gorn?
Lambs & congregation, led by Shepherd 1
Shaun is gorn, Shaun is gorn, Shaun is gorn.
[the rhythm scheme now changes, to a more urgent note]
1st Shepherd Shepherd, you know what has to be done:
There were one hundred sheep here, but now one is gone;
A lost sheep’s more precious than all of the rest:
And don’t rend your raiment – you’ll need that thick vest.
2nd Shepherd You don’t need to tell me, for I know my duty;
that Shaun’s very precious; a right little beauty.
But who’ll tend the flock while I’m out on my search?
SFX – acc’t to
‘Shaun is gorn’
(from Sousa’s Stars
& Stripes)
1st Shepherd
I’ll do it. Don’t worry. It’s not a big church.
Away with you now. There’s no time to be lost:
Stay positive, shepherd, and don’t fear the worst.
Search everywhere; up, down, behind and in front
[aside] and let’s hope that Shaun hasn’t drowned in the font.
2nd Shepherd begins frantically to search, inquiring of
members of the congregation if they have seen a little lost sheep and
perhaps handing out MISSING notices. The children are milling
about and baa-ing excitedly)
SFX – Flight of the
Bumblebee, with dubbed
bleats. Fade to cue 1st Shp
1st Shepherd (wait for 2nd Shepherd to have moved into church & started his business as
the music plays. Cue is the fade in the music)
The aisle is the road where Shaun may have strayed;
the pews are the fields where he might be waylaid;
The world is a dangerous place for a lamb
Among people who’re not allowed bacon or ham;
the little lamb Shaun must not be forgotten –
Don’t we all want to see him grow up to be mutton?
In the green grassy fields he should leap and gambol, [gam-BOLE]
And not finish up as a lamb casserole,
[and shepherds must care for all creatures with horns,
whether they’re Barry’s or Reverend Dawn’s]
[replace these two lines to suit local need, eg
‘But shepherds must nurture and care for their charges,
Whether they’re Barry’s or Eric and Marge’s.’]
(
But see! He returns, abject and forlorn.
He really believes that Shaun – is gorn.
2nd Shepherd, back at the lectern
It is so. I return with aching feet.
I found nothing of Shaun, not even a bleat.
This church is so small that I’m baffled and puzzled:
They’re a rum-looking lot. Do you think Shaun’s been rustled?
1st Shepherd You have much to learn, shepherd, and don’t look so fussed.
A lesson you’ve learned, and learn it you must –
There’s but one chief shepherd, and in him you must trust.
If you’d safeguard your lambs, and keep them from harm,
read the 121st and the 23rd Psalm: [“one-twenty-first and the twenty-third”]
‘Raise your eyes to the hills’ is useful advice,
For that’s where your help is, that pearl of great price,
but Psalm 23 with great wisdom is peppered,
for it teaches how you too can be a good shepherd.
SFX – distant
background ‘All we
like sheep’
(Messiah); fade
2nd Shepherd Have you finished your sermon? I’ve not got Shaun back,
you’re ticking me off, and I’m facing the sack.
I’m giving the job up. I’ve pulled up the anchor.
I’ll be an MP or an investment banker,
an hon’rable job where I’ll get some respect,
and I won’t spend my life being sheep- and hen-pecked.
1st Shepherd Not so fast, callow youth, there is no need to wail. You’re
not a bad shepherd; you’re not yet a failure.
You’ve not dropped yourself in the mulligatawnies
though you still haven’t worked out where poor little Shaun is.
SFX pitiful single
bleat
But hark. What is that? Do we hear a faint bleat?
Who could it be, curled up round my feet?
Dreaming sweet dreams – and not of mint sauce –
Could it be – could it be –
Shaun (1st Shepherd in sheep voice, revealing Shaun)
Yes, it’s me, of course.
Hello, everybody. Applause! Applause!
SFX – Halleluia
Chorus (Messiah) –
short burst then
record scratch
1st Shepherd Shaun’s just one of many, a little lost sheep,
so if you don’t mind him he’ll go back to sleep,
curled up round my toes in a warm woolly heap.
[the moral]
Happy endings all round now that little Shaun’s back,
and this simple young shepherd need not fear the sack.
But out of this tale there’s a lesson to learn –
God’s always delighted to see us return.
He always looks out for his stray son or daughter,
Even when they do things they really di’n’t oughter,
and He’s pleased when he finds us, wherever we roam,
so that, at long last, He can bring us back home.
---------------------------------------Geoff Adams
with thanks to David Charles for the last bit
7 Sept 2012
SFX – ‘There’s no
place like home’
midi, wah-wah,
ends with loud bleat.
Finis.
--------------------------------------------------------------------SFX CD – how to. You will need a computer with a CD burner and ripping and editing
software – Audacity is excellent, and free. Rip effects/music from non-copyright sources
and edit in Audacity. Build CD by butting tracks together in desired sequence (using
editing software). Allow say 5 seconds silence at end of each edited track to avoid
accidental run-on to next track , but start tracks with minimal delay, so that each track
will play immediately CD operator moves to it and presses PLAY
==ends==