By TIM KELLY
© Copyright 1999, by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.
PERFORMANCE LICENSE
The amateur acting rights to this play are controlled exclusively
by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood,
Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance,
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radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by pioneer
drama service, inc., to whom all inquiries should be addressed.
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KOKONUT HIGH
A Krazy Komedy In Two Acts
By TIM KELLY
CAST OF ISLAND CHARACTERS
(In Order of Speaking)
# of lines
EARL ................................... teenage son of Cordelia Hawkins
ROY BOY ............................ teenage son of Maw Cawawkee
MAW CAWAWKEE ............. island citizen; colorful character
CORDELIA HAWKINS ........ owns Kokonut Island
SWAMPY ............................ aged but spry island “character”
BETTY ................................. teenage daughter of Cordelia
SUKY .................................. teenage daughter of Maw
Cawawkee
EVA PARKER ..................... newlywed
TED ..................................... Eva’s husband
MABEL CARPENTER ......... nurse
LOUISE RUSSELL.............. another
TOM SCRIMSHAW ............. boat pilot
MILDRED HUTTON ............ insurance representative
DORIS HOYT ...................... shady character
CHIC SUTHERLAND .......... another
MICKEY .............................. teenager
BUDDY ................................ another
LYNNE SMITH .................... another
VICKIE SNOW .................... another
MRS. CRAWFORD ............. socialite
VANESSA ........................... her daughter
WALCOTT DRAKE ............. another shady character
BARBARA ........................... another
CAP’N KIDD ........................ ghost pirate
LIEUTENANT SUTTON ...... Coast Guard
PETTY OFFICER JONES ... Coast Guard
FROSTY ALWAYS.............. once thought to be Princess
Anastasia
ROBERT SHAW ................. con artist
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MRS. SMITH ....................... Lynne’s mother
MRS. SNOW ....................... Vickie’s mother
MILLICENT WARREN ........ educator
WINIFRED HOLMES .......... educator
EXTRAS .............................. can be utilized as additional
students
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n/a
SETTING
The action takes place on Kokonut Island, off the coast of Florida.
UPSTAGE is a small three-sided thatched hut. The fourth side is
open to the audience. Inside is a desk and chair LEFT, a small
refreshment table UP CENTER and a chair RIGHT. There’s a
dressing screen UPSTAGE of desk. A sign somewhere on the crude
structure reads: “HOSPITALITY HUT.” Wooden bench is outside. We
see another bench DOWN LEFT and another DOWN RIGHT in the
clearing. Some tropical (meaning brightly-colored) shrubs are here
and there. One of the shrubs is large enough to hide behind. An
optional backdrop would prove effective, showing a jungle forest. Or
maybe an ocean view. The FORESTAGE represents various locales
on the island.
TIME: The present.
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KOKONUT HIGH
ACT ONE
Scene One
Prior to LIGHTS UP [CURTAIN], we hear the SOUND OF TROPICAL
BIRDS such as parrots, macaws, flamingos or the LAPPING OF WAVES.
LIGHTS UP: We hear the SOUND OF A BOAT’S HORN or WHISTLE
from OFF LEFT. The SOUND is repeated several times.
EARL’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Come on, Roy Boy. Boat’s in!
ROY BOY’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) I heard. I got ears. (EARL
ENTERS RIGHT, followed by ROY BOY. Both are in their late teens.
[NOTE: Consult PRODUCTION NOTES for costume suggestions.]
EARL is intelligent and clever. ROY BOY is slow and lazy. They move
in front of the Hospitality Hut.)
EARL: It’s the Island Grasshopper. I bet there are at least twenty
guests on board.
ROY BOY: You always talk like that, Earl. Only trouble is you’re almost
never right.
EARL: You got to think positive, Roy Boy.
ROY BOY: I wish I didn’t have to think at all. I’d rather be trapping
water birds or fishing.
EARL: I’d rather be carrying luggage for guests. Money in the bank.
ROY BOY: You’re practical. I ain’t. (EARL quickly EXITS LEFT. ROY BOY
sits on the bench outside the Hospitality Hut. He yawns noisily and
stretches his arms.) What a day. What a day. It’s sleeping weather.
MAW CAWAWKEE: (ENTERS RIGHT. She wears an old dress and
a battered straw hat.) Roy Boy Cawawkee! What are you doing
sitting there?
ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Didn’t you hear the boat whistle [horn]?
ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Them tourists can’t be expected to carry their
own luggage.
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ROY BOY: What tourists?
MAW CAWAWKEE: No backtalk.
ROY BOY: Aw, Maw. You’re always picking on me. Why can’t Suky
help with the luggage?
MAW CAWAWKEE: Suky’s got enough to do. Get off that bench and
get on down to the pier.
ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.
MAW CAWAWKEE: You heard me. (Reluctantly, ROY BOY gets up
and starts to move LEFT.) You can walk faster than that. You ain’t
no sea turtle.
ROY BOY: Aw, Maw.
MAW CAWAWKEE: (Takes a threatening step toward him.) Scat!
ROY BOY: (ROY BOY knows better than to challenge his mother. EXITS
LEFT.) I’m on my way, Maw!
MAW CAWAWKEE: (To no one in particular.) Roy Boy’s got a good
heart, but he’s lazy. Just like his paw.
CORDELIA’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) That you, Maw Cawawkee?
MAW CAWAWKEE: It’s me.
CORDELIA: (ENTERS RIGHT. She carries a plastic pitcher supposedly
filled with lemonade. She is a pleasant middle-aged woman.) I
thought I heard you talking to Roy Boy.
MAW CAWAWKEE: I sent him on down to the pier.
CORDELIA: I hope the guests didn’t change their minds and go
someplace else.
MAW CAWAWKEE: You mean like the last time?
CORDELIA: And the time before that. If I didn’t know better I’d
suspect there was a curse on Kokonut Island. If only that hurricane
hadn’t struck.
MAW CAWAWKEE: There’s nothing a person can do about a
hurricane. When it wants to hit, it hits.
CORDELIA: Only I wish it hadn’t hit quite so hard. (She pats the
pitcher.) I made lemonade. I thought the guests might enjoy a cup.
MAW CAWAWKEE: I’m sure they will. Did you put in lots of ice?
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CORDELIA: The ice machine is broken.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
CORDELIA: But there’s a lot to be said for warm lemonade.
MAW CAWAWKEE: I suppose there is, but I can’t imagine what.
(SWAMPY, an island “character”, creeps IN from DOWN RIGHT,
nervously looking over his shoulder as if he expects an attack. Looks
like he hasn’t had a bath since the Titanic sank. With long, snarly
hair, a long beard and gnarled hands, he is dressed in tattered rags
and a pirate hat. He has a sword and pistol in his belt and wears
an eye patch. There is a [stuffed] parrot on one shoulder. SWAMPY
is aged but spry. He is a walking cartoon pirate.)
SWAMPY: Hi, ho, me fancies. What’s for lunch?
CORDELIA: Hello, Swampy.
SWAMPY: (Indicates parrot.) Ain’t you got no kind word for Cap’n
Barnaby?
CORDELIA: Hello, Cap’n Barnaby. Nice to see you again.
SWAMPY: (Pretends to imitate the parrot’s voice.) Caw-caw. Hello,
me pretty. (He bends his shoulder, which makes it seem as if the
stuffed toy is actually moving.)
MAW CAWAWKEE: Where you been, Swampy? Haven’t seen you
in over a month. I was going to tell Roy Boy to go looking for you
one of these days. But it’s so hard to get him to do anything. For
all we knew, you might have been swept away in the hurricane.
SWAMPY: Nope.
BETTY: (ENTERS RIGHT. SUKY ENTERS with her.) All the huts are
swept out and made up with fresh linen, Mom.
SUKY: And I made sure the soap dishes were scrubbed clean, Mrs.
Hawkins.
CORDELIA: That’s nice, Suky. Guests don’t like a scummy soap
dish. A scummy soap dish can give a place a bad reputation.
(She steps into the Hospitality Hut and sets the pitcher on the
refreshment table.)
BETTY: We did hear the whistle from the Island Grasshopper, didn’t
we?
SUKY: I’m sure we heard it.
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MAW CAWAWKEE: Who are you girls trying to fool? You’re not
interested in a boat whistle. You’re interested in the sailor who
pilots the Island Grasshopper, Tom Scrimshaw. (BETTY and SUKY
sigh.)
SUKY: Well, Maw, you have to admit he’s kind of good-looking. And
he’s awfully clever.
BETTY: He knows so much about the world. He’ll make some girl
a wonderful husband.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Sailors usually do. Don’t forget, sailors have
been a part of Kokonut Island for centuries.
BETTY/SUKY: So have pirates.
CORDELIA: (Steps to the edge of the Hospitality Hut.) And hurricanes.
ALL: What an island!
SWAMPY: Don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing?
CORDELIA: What have you been doing?
SWAMPY: What I always do. Dig for treasure. (OTHERS laugh.) Go
on and laugh if you want. But one day ole Swampy here will strike
it rich. I’ll be the one who’s laughin’ then. (Beat.) I’m hungry.
CORDELIA: You’ll have to wait for your lunch.
SWAMPY: How come?
CORDELIA: Guests are arriving.
SWAMPY: Guests are arriving, so ole Swampy has to wait for his
lunch? ’Tain’t fair.
BETTY: I’m heading to the pier. (She EXITS LEFT.)
SUKY: So am I. (She EXITS LEFT.)
SWAMPY: It’s no way to treat a poor ole pirate.
CORDELIA: Stop complaining. You know perfectly well you’re not
an old pirate.
SWAMPY: I am too. I’m almost three hundred years old. (He indicates
the parrot.) Ask Cap’n Barnaby if you don’t believe me. (Imitates
parrot’s voice.) Swampy’s right. He’s almost three hundred years
old. Caw, caw.
CORDELIA: Remember, Swampy, amuse the tourists, but don’t
overstay your welcome.
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SWAMPY: The last tourist didn’t even leave me a tip. Not so much
as a copper penny. How’s that for ingratitude? In my day he’d have
been hung from the top of the ship’s rigging. (He rubs his tummy.)
I’m starving, I tell you.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Why don’t you eat some fruit? There are fruit
trees everywhere you look.
SWAMPY: The hurricane knocked the fruit to the ground.
CORDELIA: Pick it up and eat it.
SWAMPY: (Shocked.) That wouldn’t be sanitary.
EARL’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) I’ll introduce you to Mom. She’ll be
at the Hospitality Hut to welcome you.
EVA’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) That’ll be nice. Won’t that be nice,
Ted?
TED’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) It’ll be nice, Eva.
SWAMPY: I’d better disappear. It’s best if guests don’t see me all
at once. It destroys the illusion. (He EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) I hope
they’re big tippers. (He REAPPEARS almost immediately.) What am
I having for lunch when I get it?
CORDELIA: Macaroni and cheese.
SWAMPY: Oh, goody. My favorite. Did you hear that, Cap’n Barnaby?
Macaroni and cheese. Caw, caw. (He’s OUT again.)
EARL: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying some luggage.) Here we are, folks.
Kokonut Island’s Hospitality Hut. (EVA and TED PARKER, a young
newlywed couple, follow IN after EARL. EVA does most of the talking,
wears a corsage. EARL crosses RIGHT and sets down the luggage.)
EVA: Oh, look, Ted. The Hospitality Hut looks like something a
primitive person would live in. Very authentic, don’t you think so,
Ted?
TED: Very authentic, Eva.
EVA: Mr. Scrimshaw says Kokonut Island is the perfect place for a
honeymoon.
MAW CAWAWKEE: You young folks just get hitched?
EVA/TED: Uh-huh.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Congratulations!
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CORDELIA: (Crosses to desk and picks up a clipboard.) Let me see
now. You must be, uh, uh... (She consults her clipboard.) Here you
are. Mr. and Mrs. Parker. You’ll be staying a few weeks.
EVA/TED: Uh-huh.
EVA: If we like it we may stay longer.
CORDELIA: I know you’re going to have a lovely time.
MAW CAWAWKEE: All the weather reports say no more hurricanes
for a spell.
CORDELIA: This is Maw Cawawkee. Her ancestors have lived here
on Kokonut Island for as long as anyone can remember.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Me and my son and daughter are the last of
the line.
EARL: Some folks say those ancestors were pirates.
EVA: Isn’t that thrilling, Ted?
TED: Thrilling, Eva.
CORDELIA: You’ve met my son Earl.
EVA/TED: Hi, Earl.
EARL: Hi.
CORDELIA: (Checks clipboard.) I’m putting you in the Flamingo Hut.
It has a lovely view of Pirate’s Cove and an old straw rug on the
floor. So old no one knows when it was woven.
EVA: Oh, Ted, we’re getting the royal treatment.
TED: Nice.
EARL: I’ll take the luggage on down. You can’t miss Flamingo Hut.
EVA: I’m not good when it comes to geography.
MAW CAWAWKEE: There’s a fake flamingo on the roof. Use that
for your guide.
EVA: What color is it?
MAW CAWAWKEE: Pink.
EVA: That is colorful. (EARL picks up the luggage, EXITS RIGHT.)
CORDELIA: How about a nice cup of lemonade? Made with Kokonut
Island lemons.
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EVA: That would be nice. (CORDELIA goes to refreshment table and
pours two cups of lemonade from the plastic pitcher.)
TED: (Wipes back of his neck with a handkerchief.) The weather is hot.
CORDELIA: Not hot, Mr. Parker. Sultry.
TED: Yeah, well, whatever. I am thirsty.
MAW CAWAWKEE: You folks the only ones on the Island
Grasshopper?
EVA: There were a few others.
MAW CAWAWKEE: (Hopeful.) Did they say they were stopping here?
Or moving on to another island?
EVA: I wouldn’t know.
CORDELIA: (Steps to EVA and TED with the lemonade.) Here you go.
Nice and tasty. (EVA takes a cup, TED the other.)
TED: (Makes a toast.) Cheers.
OTHERS: Cheers. (EVA and TED take a swallow, make horrible faces.)
EVA: Could I have some ice, please? (CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE
exchange a worried look.)
CORDELIA: Ice? You don’t want ice.
EVA: I thought I did.
TED: This lemonade is awfully sour.
MAW CAWAWKEE: (Thinks fast.) Kokonut Island lemonade is noted
for being tart.
CORDELIA: Drinking it without ice is an island tradition.
EVA: Really?
TED: You don’t say.
EVA/TED: (Fast, both point into the sky.) Look! (Both CORDELIA and
MAW CAWAWKEE shade their eyes and look upward. In that second
EVA and TED toss what’s left of the lemonade over their shoulders.)
CORDELIA: I don’t see anything.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Me, neither.
EVA: Ah, well, we could have been mistaken.
TED: We thought we saw a whooping crane.
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MAW CAWAWKEE: You got mighty good eyes.
CORDELIA: More lemonade?
EVA: (She and TED gesture wildly that they don’t want any more.)
No, no.
TED: One cup was enough.
EVA: More than enough. We mustn’t be greedy, must we, Teddy.
(CORDELIA takes the cups. She hands the cups to MAW CAWAWKEE,
who returns them to the refreshment table.)
TED: Nope. And, please, Eva. Don’t call me Teddy. I can’t bear it.
MABEL’S VOICE: (From OFF DOWN RIGHT. Angry, insistent.) Mrs.
Hawkins!
LOUISE’S VOICE: (From OFF DOWN RIGHT, also angry and insistent.)
We want to see you, Mrs. Hawkins!
MAW CAWAWKEE: Sounds like Miss Carpenter and Miss Russell.
CORDELIA: Lovely young women. Both nurses. We get all sorts of
professional people on Kokonut Island. Doctors, nurses, dentists.
MAW CAWAWKEE: We even had a man who trained monkeys for a
living. He loved to climb the trees. (MABEL and LOUISE storm IN
DOWN RIGHT, both in a bad mood. MAW CAWAWKEE steps DOWN
from the Hospitality Hut.)
MABEL: This is the last straw, Mrs. Hawkins.
CORDELIA: There’s a problem?
LOUISE: It’s about the water in our hut.
CORDELIA: No hot water again? I’ll have Earl see to it.
LOUISE: What do you mean, no hot water again? There’s never been
any hot water.
MABEL: Now there’s no water at all. No hot water. No cold water.
CORDELIA: (Puts on her best face.) Meet Mr. and Mrs. Parker. They’ve
just arrived. They’re spending their honeymoon here.
LOUISE: My sympathies.
MABEL: I’ll give them a piece of advice. (To EVA and TED.) Get off
this island as fast as you can. This place shouldn’t be called
Kokonut Island, it should be called Devil’s Island. (OTHERS react.)
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LOUISE: As if the coral weren’t bad enough, the hurricane swept in
all kinds of nasty floating things. The beach is impossible. I cut
my foot.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Look on the bright side. You’re a nurse.
MABEL: The less said about the food the better.
LOUISE: Unless you’re fond of macaroni and cheese four times a
week.
CORDELIA: You’re exaggerating, Miss Russell.
LOUISE: Okay. Three times a week.
MABEL: The plumbing is wretched. The blankets are too thin for
cool nights. The service, what there is of it, terrible. There are
never any extra towels.
LOUISE: Fallen trees everywhere.
CORDELIA: I didn’t plan the hurricane, Miss Russell.
MABEL: Maybe not, but you obviously don’t plan to clean up the
beach.
CORDELIA: Oh, but I do.
MABEL: When?
CORDELIA: Soon.
MABEL/LOUISE: Ha!
MAW CAWAWKEE: My son is getting started on the beach tomorrow.
MABEL: We’ve heard that for the last week.
LOUISE: There are monstrous land crabs everywhere.
MABEL: Your brochure says Kokonut Island is the perfect place to
meet people worth knowing. I call that fraud.
LOUISE: Our bags are packed. Please send someone to take them
to the dock.
CORDELIA: (Pleads.) You can’t leave.
LOUISE: Watch.
MABEL: We saved up all year for this holiday and it’s been a
disaster. We’re filing a complaint with the Miami travel agency
that recommended this tropical sand pit.
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LOUISE: We’re demanding a full refund, and if we don’t get it we’ll—
MABEL/LOUISE: Sue! (Huffily, they turn and EXIT DOWN RIGHT. They
instantly RETURN.)
MABEL: (To EVA and TED.) And you can forget about ice. The ice
machine is broken.
LOUISE: Along with everything else on Kokonut Island. (They EXIT.
CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE force themselves to smile.)
CORDELIA: A touch of sunstroke. I can always tell.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Tomorrow they’ll be bouncing about the island
like beachballs.
EVA: Gee, I don’t know.
TED: They seemed awfully mad for nurses.
EVA: I thought you said drinking lemonade without ice was an island
tradition. Now we find out the ice machine is broken.
CORDELIA: (Eager for them to stay.) Don’t give them another thought.
(She waves them off.) Go along, children. Your hut’s ready.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Remember—look for the fake flamingo on the
roof.
EVA/TED: Pink. (They EXIT RIGHT.)
CORDELIA: Miss Carpenter and Miss Russell would have to show
up just as the Parkers were arriving. We can’t afford to lose any
paying guests. We get so few.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Can’t Earl do anything with the ice machine?
CORDELIA: He tried. I tried. You tried. We’ve all tried.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Except Roy Boy. No sense hoping he can fix it.
Remember when he tried to fix the pier and it fell into the ocean?
CORDELIA: How can I forget? The guests had to wade ashore.
BETTY’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) You make me laugh, Tom.
SUKY’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) You make me laugh, too, Tom.
TOM’S VOICE: (From OFF LEFT.) Fellow can’t help being witty around
pretty girls like you two. (GIRLS giggle. The THREE ENTER. TOM is in
his early twenties. Nice looking, pleasant smile. He wears a skipper’s
cap. BETTY has one of his arms, SUKY has the other.)
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BETTY: Tom just said the funniest thing.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Wha’d he say?
SUKY: Go on, Tom. Tell them.
TOM: I said I’d rather eat a lobster than be one. (BETTY and SUKY
laugh. They like flattering TOM, and he likes to be flattered by pretty
girls. CORDELIA and MAW CAWAWKEE aren’t amused. To them.) I
didn’t think it was that bad.
CORDELIA: You’ll have to excuse Maw Cawawkee and me, Tom.
MAW CAWAWKEE: We ain’t feeling giddy.
TOM: You do look unhappy.
BETTY: What’s wrong?
CORDELIA: Miss Carpenter and Miss Russell are cutting short their
stay. They’re threatening to sue.
SUKY/BETTY: Sue?!
MAW CAWAWKEE: They said some terrible things about Kokonut
Island in front of them newlyweds.
SUKY: That’s awful.
TOM: I build up the island every chance I get. I’m as good as any
publicity man you could hire.
CORDELIA: Thank you, Tom.
MAW CAWAWKEE: It’s appreciated.
TOM: Things will be looking up before you know it.
MILDRED: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. She is dressed in a business suit
and carries an attaché case.) Hello.
OTHERS: Hello.
TOM: This lady was on the Island Grasshopper.
CORDELIA: Are you looking for accommodations?
MAW CAWAWKEE: We hope.
MILDRED: I’m looking for Cordelia Hawkins.
OTHERS: (Point.) She’s Cordelia Hawkins.
CORDELIA: Yes, I’m Cordelia Hawkins. What can I do for you?
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MILDRED: (Sets the attaché case on the DOWN LEFT bench and
moves to CORDELIA, hand outstretched.) I’m delighted to meet
you, Mrs. Hawkins. I’ve heard so much about you. (They shake
hands. ROY BOY ENTERS LEFT. He holds a large land crab [toy] by
his fingers. He moves towards MILDRED.)
ROY BOY: Hey, everybody, lookee here.
SUKY: What you got, Roy Boy?
BETTY: Looks nasty.
ROY BOY: It’s a big ole land crab and it’s mean as all getout. (He
holds it in front of MILDRED’S face.) Here, lady. Take a good look.
MILDRED: (Recoils.) Eeeeek! Take it away. Please take it away.
Eeeeek!
MAW CAWAWKEE: Roy Boy, take that thing away from here. Get on
down to Happy Hut. Them nurses is leaving the island.
ROY BOY: So soon?
MAW CAWAWKEE: Don’t ask questions. Just do as you’re told.
ROY BOY: You’re always picking on me, Maw. I bet them nurses
would like to see this creature.
TOM: There’s one way to find out.
ROY BOY: I’m going. (Dangling the land crab, he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)
Yup. Mean as all getout.
SUKY: Please excuse my brother, lady. He’s always showing up with
things like that.
CORDELIA: Both Roy Boy and my son are interested in the ocean.
MILDRED: Living on an island, I suppose they have to be.
TOM: Only natural.
MILDRED: (Back to business.) I’m Mildred Hutton. From the insurance
company.
CORDELIA: Insurance company?
MILDRED: Atwater, Seawater and Float. Is there somewhere we can
talk in private?
CORDELIA: Whatever you have to say you can say in front of my
daughter and my friends.
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MILDRED: (Would rather not, but agrees.) Very well. (She crosses back
to the attaché case, opens it. Takes out three envelopes.)
CORDELIA: (While Mildred is getting the envelopes.) Everyone sit
down. You’re making me nervous standing about.
TOM: You’re the boss. (CORDELIA stands CENTER. SUKY and BETTY
sit on the bench in front of the Hospitality Hut. If there’s room, TOM
will also sit on this bench. If not, he stands behind the GIRLS. MAW
CAWAWKEE sits on the DOWN RIGHT bench. MILDRED shuts the
attaché case.)
MILDRED: (Moves to CORDELIA.) Kokonut Island is such a unique
situation that the firm thought it only courteous to come in person.
TOM: Unique?
MILDRED: An island given to the Hawkins Family, centuries ago, by
the King of England for services rendered. It’s not only unique,
it’s historical. There are few islands off the coast that are virtually
private kingdoms. Technically, Kokonut Island is not part of the
United States.
MAW CAWAWKEE: We know that.
MILDRED: The point is... we are not renewing your insurance.
OTHERS: What?!
MILDRED: And we happen to know the bank has refused you any
more loans.
EARL: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, having overheard.) We were counting
on bank money. Boats need repair, huts need repair. Everything
needs repair after the hurricane.
MAW CAWAWKEE: The ice machine needs repair.
MILDRED: The bank feels it will never get its money back.
CORDELIA: Why do they say that? I always pay my debts.
MILDRED: Your last bank payment is overdue by seven months.
It’s obvious tourists are going to other islands that can offer the
luxury they seek. Condos, computers, that sort of thing. Kokonut
Island is obsolete.
MAW CAWAWKEE: At least there’ll be a check for the hurricane
damage.
CORDELIA: That’s what you’re bringing me, isn’t it? A check.
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13
MILDRED: I’m afraid not.
OTHERS: What!
MILDRED: Hurricanes and snowstorms were not covered in your
policy.
BETTY: Not covered?!
CORDELIA: I should have read the small print.
MILDRED: I doubt if you’ll get insurance from any other company. Or
a loan from any other bank. Your credit rating is below sea level.
SUKY: Golly. No insurance and no money from the bank.
MILDRED: Frankly, we consider Kokonut Island a poor risk. You do
realize that, unless you can satisfy the bank, it will foreclose.
EARL: You mean the bank will own Kokonut Island instead of the
Hawkins Family?
MILDRED: Precisely. (Communal groan.) Here are letters from
Atwater, Seawater and Float. Each one thanks you for your past
business. (She hands them over.) I think that covers everything.
Remember, unless the loan is repaid, Kokonut Island will belong
to the Bank of Greater Miami.
OTHERS: The Bank of Greater Miami?!
MILDRED: Good day, Mrs. Hawkins. Atwater, Seawater and Float
wishes you the best. Don’t get sued by anyone. Hahaha. (She
gets the attaché case, EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
EARL: How do you like that?
MAW CAWAWKEE: I don’t.
CORDELIA: It was nice of Miss Hutton to come in person. (Tearfully,
after a pause.) Wasn’t it? (She starts to sob. EARL and BETTY cross
to their mother, try to comfort her.)
EARL: Don’t cry, Mom.
BETTY: We’ll figure a way out of this.
TOM: ’Course we will.
CORDELIA: I’d like to be by myself, if you don’t mind.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Sure that’s what you want?
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14
CORDELIA: I’m sure. (Wails.) Oh, why didn’t I read the small print?
(She steps into the Hospitality Hut. MAW CAWAWKEE motions that
the OTHERS should leave the area. ALL EXIT RIGHT. CORDELIA
sits motionless on the chair RIGHT. Takes out a hanky and dabs at
her eyes. Opens the envelopes and tearfully reads the contents.
SCREAMS from MABEL and LOUISE from OFF DOWN RIGHT.)
ROY BOY’S VOICE: (From OFF RIGHT.) It won’t hurt you. (More
SCREAMS. CORDELIA remains lost in her thoughts. MABEL and
LOUISE run IN, each carrying a piece of luggage.)
MABEL: I’m glad to say good-bye to this place!
LOUISE: Let’s get down to the pier... fast.
ROY BOY: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, still dangling the land crab.) I think
it wants to bite something.
LOUISE: Let it bite you. Tell it bon appetit.
MABEL: One bite and that land crab will die of food poisoning. (She
and LOUISE hurry across the STAGE and EXIT LEFT.)
ROY BOY: (Follows NURSES across STAGE. Shouts OFF LEFT.) Sorry
you’re leaving. Here’s a going-away present. Courtesy of Kokonut
Island. Catch! (He tosses the land crab OFF LEFT.)
LOUISE/MABEL: (OFFSTAGE LEFT.) Eeeeeek! Eeeeeek! Eeeeeek!
ROY BOY: That’s what I call fun. (He runs OFF RIGHT, mimics the
screams.) Eeeeeek. Eeeeeek. Eeeeeek. (CORDELIA sorrowfully
rises, crosses to desk, sits. Busies herself with paperwork.)
DORIS’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN LEFT as CORDELIA crosses
to desk.) Smell the good clean fresh air.
CHIC’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE DOWN LEFT.) I’m allergic to good
clean fresh air.
DORIS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. CHIC SUTHERLAND follows IN, chomping
on a giant Tootsie Roll as if it was a cigar.) You’re allergic to
everything but cigar smoke.
CHIC: Where’s the harm in smoking seegars? I don’t see why the doc
made me give ‘em up. These Tootsie Rolls are ruining my image.
(He goes into a terrible coughing fit, almost choking. [NOTE: The
scene is played as if CORDELIA can’t hear them.] CHIC is a classic
Godfather type—loud jacket, outrageous tie, dark eyeglasses and
wide-brimmed hat. He waves the Tootsie Roll every now and again
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15
when he wishes to make some point. DORIS wears dark eyeglasses
and a fur coat. Totters on high heels. Sunglasses can be eliminated
at any point, if desired. You wouldn’t trust either one of them with
a postage stamp.)
DORIS: Sure is hot.
CHIC: What do you expect? We’re in the tropics. Mebbe if you took
off that fur coat.
DORIS: This is my lucky fur coat, Chic. It always brings me luck.
CHIC: You sure this scheme will work? (He sits on DOWN LEFT bench,
chews on Tootsie Roll and fans himself with the hat.)
DORIS: It’ll work. I checked carefully. Kokonut Island is about to
slip into the ocean. Financially speaking. The syndicate can pick
it up for a song.
CHIC: What if this Cordelia Hawkins won’t sell?
DORIS: She’ll sell. She doesn’t have any choice. She owes money
to everyone.
SWAMPY: (Slinks IN DOWN RIGHT.) Oh, look, Cap’n Barnaby.
Landlubbers. (As the parrot.) Welcome to Kokonut Island. Caw,
caw. (DORIS and CHIC stare, amazed by such an odd sight.)
CHIC: Who’s the geek?
DORIS: How should I know?
SWAMPY: Name’s Swampy. I ain’t no geek. I’m a three hundred
year old pirate.
CHIC: Imagine.
SWAMPY: I’m retired now. I hope you’re big tippers.
CHIC: Why should we tip you? You the island bellhop?
SWAMPY: I’m the local entertainment. I tell stories about my
pirating days.
DORIS: Some other time, Grandpa.
SWAMPY: (Offended.) Grandpa!
CHIC: We’re busy, Whiskers.
SWAMPY: Whiskers?
DORIS: Give him something, Chic. It’s the only way to get rid of him.
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16
CHIC: (Produces and holds out a dime.) Here, Cap’n Kidd.
SWAMPY: I sailed with Cap’n Kidd.
CHIC: Yeah. Yeah.
SWAMPY: Don’t you believe me?
DORIS: Do you want the tip or not?
SWAMPY: Oh, I want it. I don’t get a salary.
CHIC: I ain’t surprised. (He tosses the dime at SWAMPY, but it hits
the ground instead. SWAMPY makes a dive for it. Looks at it with
astonishment.)
SWAMPY: A dime? A whole dime. All for me. (He crosses DOWN
RIGHT, more than irritated by the lowly amount.) I must be the
luckiest pirate on Kokonut Island. Imagine. Ten cents worth of
nothin’. (He EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)
DORIS: He’s not the grateful type.
CHIC: He’s a bum.
CORDELIA: (Emotions under control, she steps from Hospitality Hut.)
You must have come over on the Island Grasshopper.
DORIS: We have a yacht.
CHIC: Belongs to the syndicate.
CORDELIA: What syndicate?
DORIS: Don’t tell me. Let me guess. You’re Cordelia Hawkins.
CORDELIA: That’s right. What can I do for you?
DORIS: Stand up, Chic. Show some respect.
CHIC: (Stands.) ’Scuse me. (He sticks the Tootsie Roll in his mouth.)
DORIS: Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Doris Hoyt and this is my
business associate, Chic Sutherland. (CHIC has another coughing
fit.)
CORDELIA: You really shouldn’t smoke.
DORIS: I’ve told him the same thing a hundred times.
CORDELIA: Aren’t you hot in that fur coat?
DORIS: It’s my lucky fur coat. I like to feel lucky. I’ll come right to the
point, Mrs. Hawkins. I represent a syndicate that is most anxious
to purchase Kokonut Island.
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CORDELIA: What’s the name of this syndicate?
DORIS: I’m not allowed to divulge that information until after the sale.
CORDELIA: I’m not interested in selling.
DORIS: The syndicate will pay you a handsome price.
CORDELIA: I’m afraid you don’t understand. Kokonut Island has
belonged to the Hawkins Family for generations. A gift from the
English Crown. It would be like selling Rhode Island.
CHIC: We don’t want to buy Rhode Island.
DORIS: Name your own price.
CORDELIA: I’ve already told you. Kokonut Island is not for sale.
(She EXITS RIGHT.)
CHIC: Tough old bird.
DORIS: I’ll soften her up. Once the syndicate has the island, we
can declare it an independent country. Issue passports, launder
money. Open gambling casinos. Welcome crooks who have to
hide out and charge them plenty. The possibilities are endless.
CHIC: And it’ll all be legal.
CORDELIA’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Stop it. What are you doing?
I don’t understand.
SUKY’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) You’ve got to listen to Tom—
EARL’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) It’s a great idea—
BETTY’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) It’s worth a try—
EARL’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Wait ’til you hear—
MAW CAWAWKEE’S VOICE: (OFFSTAGE RIGHT.) Tom’s a smart boy.
CHIC: Company. (He and DORIS stand DOWN LEFT in front of the
bench. CORDELIA is pushed ONSTAGE by the tiny mob—EARL,
BETTY, SUKY, TOM and MAW CAWAWKEE. They stand CENTER.)
CORDELIA: Stop shoving me, I say. What’s gotten into the lot of you?
BETTY: Tom’s come up with a great idea to save Kokonut Island.
SUKY: Wait ’til you hear.
CORDELIA: (Pushes them away.) Let me catch my breath. (She takes
a deep breath.) I’m listening.
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TOM: Some island countries open up medical schools. You know...
for kids having a rough time getting into a med school stateside.
CORDELIA: You’re not suggesting I do something like that? It would
be impossible. The expense, for one thing. (She shakes her head.)
A medical school.
MAW CAWAWKEE: Hear him out, Cordelia.
TOM: Not a medical school, a high school. We could set up a
boarding school on the island.
SUKY: Kids from the States would love it.
EARL: It’s a great idea.
CORDELIA: What about teachers? How are we going to pay them?
TOM: We’ll go slow. A step at a time. There’ll be a lot of tuition money
flowing in. You’ll be able to pay off the bank debt and hire teachers.
SUKY: I bet we get hundreds of kids.
CORDELIA: We’ll need hundreds. You make it sound so easy.
BETTY: It is easy. It’ll work. I know it’ll work. (DORIS and CHIC don’t
like the sound of this. They exchange a worried look.)
SUKY: What choice do you have, Mrs. Hawkins?
CORDELIA: (Muses.) None, I guess. But how will we get the students?
TOM: You leave that to me. I told you I’m a good publicity man. In
a few weeks the money will be flowing in.
EARL: Neat as one, two, three.
CORDELIA: What will we call the school?
SWAMPY: (Fast, steps from DOWN RIGHT.) That’s easy. We’ll call it
Kokonut High!
SUKY: That’s a great name for a school.
OTHERS: Kokonut High. Rah! Rah! Rah!
BLACKOUT
End Of Scene One
[NOTE: Scenes are indicated as such for rehearsal purposes. But
the action should flow effortlessly from one scene to the next with
only a few seconds break. Don’t lose momentum.]
End of Script
Sample
19
PRODUCTION NOTES
ON STAGE: Three-sided hut with desk and chair, paper, pen,
envelopes, clipboard on desk, dressing screen, small table with paper
cups, chair, sign reading “Hospitality Hut,” three wooden benches,
tropical (brightly colored) shrubs including one large enough to hide
behind.
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One: Old straw hat (MAW); plastic
pitcher, hanky (CORDELIA); sword, pistol, eye patch, stuffed parrot
(SWAMPY); skipper’s cap (TOM); land crab [toy] (ROY BOY); attaché
case containing three letters in envelopes (MILDRED); suitcase
(MABEL, LOUISE); corsage (EVA); large Tootsie Roll, gangster hat,
sunglasses (CHIC); fur coat, sunglasses (DORIS).
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Newspaper (MICKEY).
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Three: Broom, apron (BETTY); rag
(TOM); basket with fruit, luggage (ROY BOY); rag (EARL); backpacks
(STUDENTS).
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four: Black book (DORIS).
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Five: Suitcase/backpack (WALCOTT,
BARBARA); pistol, sword (CAP’N KIDD).
BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One: Crutch (TED); arm sling (EVA).
BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two: Letter and envelope (VANESSA);
black book (DORIS).
BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Three: Holster with toy gun (SUTTON,
JONES).
BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Four: Black book (LYNNE); straw hat
and parchment map (ROBERT); glass, dishcloth (MAW); surfboard or
snorkel/scuba gear (MICKEY, BUDDY); medical bag (MABEL); steno
pad and pencil (MISS WARREN, MISS HOLMES); straightjacket (TOM).
BROUGHT ON ACT TWO, Scene Five: Insurance policy (MILDRED);
pirate chest with gold coins, jewels (SWAMPY, ROY BOY).
SOUND: Birds, ocean waves [optional], boat whistle or horn,
thunderstorm, hand whistle, optional chase music.
COSTUMES: Whatever would be logical, as suggested by the script.
MAW, ROY BOY and SUKY might look “native.” Big laugh if you can
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67
make TED and EVA’S clothing more and more tattered as they wander
the island. For this you may need more than one costume each.
SWAMPY should look like Cap’n Crunch or some cartoon pirate.
CAP’N KIDD, however, should look like the real thing. Make him as
much like a threatening storybook pirate as possible. Coast Guard
personnel should wear uniforms, but anything that looks “Naval”
will work. DORIS’S lucky fur coat can easily be switched to cloth.
The straightjacket need be nothing more than a white jacket held
backwards with some buckles attached. The big costume moment is
when BUDDY, MICKEY and ROY BOY show up pretending to be female
members of the faculty. We can assume they got the clothing from
guests who left it behind. The funnier you make these costumes,
the bigger the laugh. They should wear foolish hats. Instead of a
wig, one might have a mop on his head, etc. One might dress like
Carmen Miranda.
FLEXIBLE CASTING: Adjust to your needs. Any number of roles can
be played either female or male: MILDRED could become MISTER
HUTTON, WALCOTT could become WANDA. PETTY OFFICER JONES
could be male. LIEUTENANT SUTTON could be female. MISS WARREN
could be MISTER WARREN. MISS HOLMES could be MISTER H0LMES,
etc. A minor line change here or there is all that it takes.
CAP’N KIDD’S ENTRANCE: It should be scary. Thunder, lights.
Remember, CAP’N KIDD is a threat.
PIRATE CHEST: Any chest will do, but it should look as if it’s been
buried for a long time. To the gold coins you can add glittering
jewelry. Since the chest solves the plot’s problem, make it special.
For example, when the lid flies back you might darken the scene and
have flashing lights (supposedly the wealth within the chest) bounce
about the stage.
PACING: This is vital. Once the play begins, the pace must never
slacken. It must move. The second one scene ends the other is
beginning. Avoid choppiness. Pacing is particularly important in the
last scene when character after character briefly appears only to
exit. Moving fast will get a laugh, moving slow won’t. There’s a lot
of action in the play so watch the blocking, don’t allow any scene to
“clutter.” Remember the vital rules of wacky comedy—speak loud,
pick up cues, move fast and have fun!
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68
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