SEAFOOD SCIENCE LAB
By Steven Verrier
CAST: A and B
OP
Y
Copyright © 2002
NOTE: Two high school students, male or female, are seated
side by side on stools or, if no props are used, on the floor.
In either case, their actions should make clear they are
sharing a table in a science lab.
DO
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
What do we do now?
What do we do? I say you’ve done just about everything.
That’s not much help.
Well, it’s true. Why the heck does Mr. Zimmermann always
put me next to you in science lab?
It’s the alphabet. We’ll be partners forever.
Not if you eat me.
What are you talking about?
Well, you’d eat anything else, wouldn’t you?
It’s just this once. I was curious. I’d never done it before.
Curious?
Mr. Zimmermann told us we should try to satisfy our curiosity
in science lab, didn’t he?
NO
A:
B:
A:
B:
TC
Speech and actions throughout this duet should be frantic to
mirror a frantic situation. Voices should be slightly hushed
so as not to attract the attention of classmates or the
teacher, Mr. Zimmermann.
Copyrighted material. All rights reserved. Caution: Professionals and
amateurs are hereby warned that this play is subject to a royalty.
Performance rights may be purchased from Dominion Publications. ALL
FURTHER INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE RIGHTS, INCLUDING
AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO BROOKLYN PUBLISHERS
LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS, IA 52406. (1-888-473-8521,
www.brookpub.com.)
(Both pretend to dissect.)
OP
Y
B: (Raising voice) He didn’t mean you should A: Keep your voice down! He’ll hear you.
B: (Lowering voice, looking at top of lab table) Look at what
you’ve done to that poor thing.
A: Well, we’re supposed to be dissecting it anyway. (Quickly
looks up, then down; quickly makes dissecting motion.)
B: What are you doing?
A: Shhh! Pretend we’re dissecting! Zimmermann was looking
over here.
TC
B: There’s hardly anything left to cut. (Wiping near A’s mouth)
There’s more on your face than on these bones.
A: Crustaceans don’t have bones.
B: Because your head’s got them all.
A: Now don’t be B: How can anybody possibly eat a crayfish he’s (or SHE’s)
supposed to dissect?
A: I said I was curious. Plus I was hungry. It won’t be lunch
period for over an hour yet.
NO
(Beat)
DO
B: You know, you might not live that long.
A: What?
B: It’s true. Formaldehyde can’t do your insides any good. I
suppose it will keep you well-preserved, though, after you
pass on.
A: What do you think I am? An idiot?
B: Well, now that you mention it A: I wouldn’t eat anything preserved in formaldehyde.
B: But you just A: No way. I know exactly what I’m eating. Those crayfish were
caught last week. They were in the freezer until last period
yesterday.
B: Who told you that?
A: Dale Fuller. One of the seniors. My brother’s friend. It’s
because of all the budget cuts. Milton High supplies its own
crayfish for science lab. Catches and freezes ‘em. No
preservatives. That’s why I couldn’t stop eating it.
B: Are you saying it tasted good?
A: Delicious. All it needed was a bit of lemon and tartar sauce.
(B picks up the tiny leftovers of the crayfish; contemplates
tasting it but declines.)
OP
Y
B: Okay, it doesn’t look so terrible. But you could have gone to
Turner Creek to catch your own.
A: I don’t like fishing.
B: Fishing? This isn’t a fish, idiot.
A: Well, it’s not a crayhorse.
(Beat)
DO
NO
TC
B: You may be off the hook with formaldehyde, but you may not
make it to lunch anyway. If Zimmermann finds out A: I know! Keep your voice down!
B: (With German accent) Vot haf ve here, Herr (or Fraulein)
Kennedy? Are you making a mockery - or should I say a
cookery - of my science lab?
A: That’s enough.
B: (With accent) Oh, zat’s enough, is it? You don’t vant to eat
any more? Next veek ve’ll be dissecting frogs, so perhaps
you’ll vant a little French food zen. Are you sure you vouldn’t
like some more crayfish? Maybe vis some nice tangy lemon
and a little tartar sauce on za side? A serving of rice, too,
perhaps? Shall I turn on za Bunsen burner, or would you
prefer a barbecue? Is apple strudel all right for dessert? A little
red vine, too? Or vite? Maybe some schnapps? (Beat) Vere
do you sink vee are, Herr Kennedy - za Red Lobster? (A
laughs.) (In normal voice) All right. We’ll get through this
together. As usual. (A stops laughing.)
A: I’d do the same for you. (Makes a face.)
B: What are you doing?
(A’s facial expression grows more exaggerated.)
A: Trying not to laugh. You sounded just like him.
B: (Back to accent) Oh, I did, did I? And now you can’t keep
your ugly face straight? Vell, vee haf vays to straighten ugly
faces, Herr (or Fraulein) Kennedy. (Both try, and fail, to
stifle laughs.) Ve’re in deep trouble, aren’t vee? (Losing
accent) I mean, aren’t we? (Struggles to stifle laugh.)
A: Well, you’re not.
B: (Lowers self to hide behind lab table before exploding
into laughter. Finally collects self.) I may be now.
(A also lowers self to hide behind table; both laugh heartily.)
OP
Y
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
If we didn’t sit at the back, we’d both be dead right now And they’d be dissecting us next week.
Think anybody’s looking back here?
If not, they will be soon.
I’ve got it!
What?
Since we’re down here anyway, we might as well say our
crayfish fell off the table.
And?
And it ran away.
It’s dead.
Then maybe it … it …
Yes?
It bounced out the window.
The window’s closed.
(Stands, moves slightly, opens the window.) There.
TC
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
Think he’ll go for it?
Never.
What’s Plan B?
We can jump.
Jump?
The window’s open.
Too messy.
You got an idea?
Well, let’s analyze the situation. We’ve got … (Looks at clock
on wall) … nearly fifteen minutes till the end of class.
A: Which means at least ten minutes until Zimmermann gets to
our table to examine our dissection.
DO
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
A:
B:
NO
(Both return to seated position.)
(Beat)
B: I’ve got it!
A: You do?
TC
(Both look around the lab.)
OP
Y
B: We can see everything in the lab from back here.
A: So?
B: All we’ve got to do is get a crayfish from one of the other
tables.
A: Nobody’s got an extra one. Budget cuts, remember. They
affect everything - even when it’s free.
B: So nobody has an extra one. Why let that stop us?
A:
Because … (Beat) Are you saying we should swipe
somebody’s crayfish?
B: It’s either that or …
A: Can’t we just go to the creek after school and B: After school? If we don’t get a crayfish in the next ten minutes,
we’ll be up the creek.
DO
NO
A: Whose can we get?
B: It’s got to be Irene Vanderhoeven’s. She’s the only person in
the lab without a partner.
A: Won’t she be up the creek?
B: No. Zimmermann likes her. She’s a straight-A student. She
never gets into these stupid messes like we do.
A: Well, we’ve got to hurry. (Beat) What are we going to say?
B: You’ll think of something.
A: Me?
B: Well, you’re the one who had a craving for seafood.
A: It wasn’t seafood. It was from a creek.
B: If it swims down your throat, it’s seafood.
A: What’ll I tell Irene?
B: I don’t know. Try it out on me.
A: On you?
B: Hurry.
A: Okay. (Beat) Hi, Irene. Can I have half your crayfish?
B: (Mimicking a young princess) Are you out of your mind? I’m
the only one in this lab who gets a whole specimen to herself
because I’m a straight-A student and nobody’s good enough
to be my partner. Either that or I need a bath. Besides, Mr.
Zimmermann is going to come around soon and see what
we’ve done. Why should I jeopardize my chances of getting
into Vassar just so you can - (Beat; in normal voice) Quick!
Now’s our chance.
A: What?
B:
Zimmermann’s talking to Roger Whiting. See? His back’s
turned. We’ve got to hurry. (A panics; gets pushed by B.) I’ll
try to distract Irene. You swipe her crayfish. And don’t eat it.
TC
OP
Y
(A and B go closer to the front of the lab. B tries to look as
inconspicuous as possible while trying in a variety of
creative ways to divert Irene’s attention from her dissection.
A, meanwhile, looks for an opportunity to swipe Irene’s
crayfish, always to no avail. A and B obviously feel a burden
of stress as they try to trick Irene out of her crayfish without
giving her, their classmates, or Mr. Zimmermann any reason
for suspicion. Finally, after about a minute that, to A and B,
seems an eternity, they return to their table empty-handed
and obviously disappointed. Suddenly, as A and B arrive
back at their table, A springs into action.)
NO
A: (Emotionally, in full voice) What? (Foraging around) Who
took our crayfish? (Beat) I said, who’s responsible? We’ve
been back here dissecting ourselves to the bone and what do
we have to show for it now? Mr. Zimmermann, someone in
this lab seems to think it’s acceptable to steal a classmate’s
dissection specimen. After doing all we possibly could with our
specimen, my partner and I got up to see if we could help
anybody else, and we returned to our table to find … nothing.
Not a hip bone, not a gizzard, not a shoulder blade ... nothing!
I’m just going to sit back here until class is over and wait for
the guilty party to come forward. Whoever took our crayfish
ought to be ashamed.
DO
(A and B sit as before, but indignantly. Silence as A’s
expression slips back to one of embarrassment.)
B: Nice recovery. It isn’t often Zimmermann’s jaw hangs down to
his knees like that. He’s speechless.
A: (Looking down) They’re going to love us in this class, aren’t
they? (Beat) How much longer is there?
B: (Looking) Eleven minutes. But you’re off the hook. He won’t
come back here after that.
A: Thanks for standing by me.
B: Any time. (Beat) But don’t do it again.
A: Got your books for next class?
B: Yeah. Why?
A: We’ll have a few minutes between periods. Let’s go to the
cafeteria right after lab.
B: What for?
A: I’ll buy you some ice cream.
OP
Y
(Beat)
B: That’s right. You do like frozen food, don’t you?
DO
NO
TC
END OF PLAY
DO
TC
NO
OP
Y