HELLCATS OF THE WHEEL
A Musical Comedy
by
Antoinette Hart Wellman
310 East 44th Street
New York, NY 10017
[email protected]
Copyright © 2014
Antoinette Hart Wellman
“Hellcats of the Wheel” is a country music comedy
that takes place as 4 characters, 2 men and 2
women, watch a stock car race from the
grandstands. One of the women has never seen a
race before and the 3 race fans explain the action on
the track to her as the race proceeds.
The characters, from stage left to right, are:
NICK, a dirt track driver and an Earnhardt fan,
cousin to Will
BETH, a women who has never seen a race and has
a client interested in sponsoring a car, cousin to
Ginger
GINGER, longs for the wild old days of Richard
Petty, Junior Johnson and Cale Yarborough, cousin
to Beth and girlfriend to Will
WILL, a yuppie, a Jeff Gordon fan, cousin to Nick
The show opens with 4 stools on stage and Nick and
Will sitting on their stools at either end watching
the track before them.
There is a low-level sound effect of a stock car race
just warming up.
Will
(in a condescending voice)
I hope you noticed that Gordon is starting second. Dale Jr. is ninth.
Nick
Dale will do fine, today, just fine.
Will
Gordon is starting second.
There is a moment of angry silence, then Beth and
Ginger fly onto the stage.
Beth
(breathless, exhausted, overwhelmed and confused)
(yelling, in a desperate voice)
Are we there yet?
(she staggers to her stool and holds onto it for dear life, panting hard)
Ginger
(kisses Will on the cheek)
Yes, we’re here.
Will
You’re in the nick of time. It’s the last warm-up lap.
Beth
(still yelling)
Where are we?
(turns around to face stage rear and looks up, then turns toward Nick)
Ginger
(physically turns Beth towards the audience and points forward)
Track.
Beth
What was that city we just drove through?
(she collapses onto her stool)
Ginger
That’s not a city. That’s the fan camp.
Beth
Oh, no, that’s a city.
(she stares and frowns as she starts to concentrate on the track)
What’s going on down there? Is that the race? Those cars aren’t going very fast. Why are they
swerving all over like that?
(she points; she can gesture wildly)
That’s as fast as they go? Why is there a car with a flashing light in front? The car is leaving. Is
he quitting the race? Those people can’t even drive. They ...
There is a huge soundtrack noise of the roar of the
cars as they take off.
Ginger, Will, Nick
(yelling)
Green, green, green!
Beth
(the sound knocks her sideways off her stool, she crawls to the back of her stool and pulls
herself up to peer over the seat)
(yelling)
What was that?
SONG:
RACING ROCKS
(Nick, Ginger, Will) (Beth can watch them in confusion for a moment and then
punctuate the song with “racing rocks”)
RACING ROCKS
Hear those engines, we call that thunder
Feel that earthquake, that’s called speed
And on weekends, every weekend
That’s we need, oh, yeah, that’s what we need
Because we’ve got racin’ fever
And we have got it bad
Racing is the most fun
We’ve ever had
When they holler “start your engines”
And the mighty motors roar
And the blast of sound knocks us right down
That’s what racing’s for
From Daytona to Sonoma
From sea to shining sea
We are one big racing
Family, we’re family
We just love this stuff (racing rocks)
We can’t get enough
We love all our lead-footed drivers
Who flip the ignition switch
And take off tearin’ down the track at
A fever pitch
Juices flowin,’ tantrum throwin’
Our drivers make our day
And the world’s most expensive junkyard
Is a wreck away
Drag racin’ down the front stretch
Three wide in the turn
Engines blow and tires go and
Cars explode and burn
Tradin’ paint and spinnin’ out, cars are
Flippin’ through the air
Is it any wonder
Why we care
We just love this track (racing rocks)
We keep coming back
So what we’re saying to you
Is just watch one race, that’s all
No obligation
No one will call
Watch it from the green flag
Until the race is done
We bet you
Can’t watch just one
The race noise continues at a lower volume.
Ginger
(turns to Beth)
Welcome to stock car racing.
Beth
(sitting on stool, where she has listened, in shock)
That was the decibel level of a 747 on take-off.
Ginger
No mufflers.
Beth
It was like a herd of buffalo stampeding inside my brain.
Ginger
It ain’t pretty but it’s powerful
Beth
My ears are bleeding.
Ginger
It sounds like a symphony to us.
Beth
(looks around)
This place is huge. I’ve never seen so many people in the same place at the same time. How
many people are here, anyway?
Ginger
About 80,000.
Beth
80,000 people! This place is gigantic.
Ginger
That’s probably why your client is interested.
Beth
Those cars are like speeding billboards. How fast are they going?
Ginger
175 miles an hour.
Beth
A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE MILES AN HOUR?!!
Will
(leans past Ginger to speak to Beth)
Actually, they’re only going about 125 right now. They’re not up to speed yet.
Ginger
Beth, let me introduce you to the men. This is my fiancée, Will Anderson. Will is a banker by
day and a Jeff Gordon fan. Will, this is my cousin, Beth. This is her first race.
Will
How do you do, Beth. I hope you like the race.
Ginger
And to your left is Will’s cousin, Nick Anderson. Nick is a dirt track driver and a citizen of a
planet called Earnhardt Nation.
Nick
Pleased to meet you.
Ginger
And you and I are standing between Will and Nick because if Gordon and Earnhardt mix it up,
Will and Nick will try to kill each other.
Nick
Not to worry. Wonder Boy Gordon isn’t going to do it today.
Ginger
Nick is what is know as “ornery old school.”
Will
Nick is waiting for the South to rise again.
Ginger
You see, back in 1992, a driver named Richard Petty ran his last Cup race the day Jeff Gordon
ran his first. Petty was one of the great southern drivers and Gordon was the first of the new
breed, not southern, not blue collar. It’s been a civil war rerun ever since.
Nick
The old drivers came up from nothing.
Will
The rednecks just don’t get it that it’s not their race anymore.
Nick
Dale was the peoples’ man.
SONG:
RENEGADE
(Nick)
RENEGADE
If ever a man was born to race, he was the one
Hunger etched upon his face, pure Southern son
He came up the hard way, he had a lot of pride
It gave him rough, raw edges that he never tried to hide
He learned to race on old dirt tracks, times were pretty lean
His only chance was his machine
Country tough, dirt track rough
The man was a renegade
The only rules he lived by
Were the rules he made
He had to fight for every victory he won
Nerves of steel and foot of lead, pure Southern son
He could have starred the devil down when that look came in his eyes
He wanted what he wanted, he did not apologize
So he drove hell bent for leather like he had no fear at all
Bulletproof and ten feet tall
Country tough, dirt track rough
The man was a renegade
The only rules he lived by
Were the rules he made
He drove like lightning striking through the air
He kept the hammer down, he didn’t care
He’d come up behind you, had to make you feel like prey
Like an eagle swooping down who’s gonna carry you away
Drivin’ like black thunder comin’ over you
Watch out, he’s comin’ through
Country tough, dirt track rough
The man was a renegade
The only rules he lived by
Were the rules he made
He was bold, he drove with danger at his side
He rode a restless course, a wild ride
And the danger that he rode with kept a real steady pace
And one day it outran him, that day, danger won the race
We thought he’d race forever but it wasn’t in the plan
All he was was one lone man
Country tough, dirt track rough
The man was a renegade
The only rules he lived by
Were the rules he made
Will
Oh, please, Nick. Dale Earnhardt as the salt of the earth.
Nick
Dale Earnhardt was the definition of country tough.
Will
Dale Earnhardt was full of doubt. The biggest thing Earnhardt ever overcame was his own
doubt. He willed himself to win.
Nick
That’s right. He was pure will.
Will
And he was a pussycat. The 1998 Daytona 500, Earnhardt was desperate, he hadn’t ever won
Daytona, he’d tried for 19 years. And a little girl in a wheelchair gives him a lucky penny and he
glues it to the dashboard of his #3 Chevy. With lug nut glue. And he wins. He believed in that
little girl so much.
SONG:
PENNY
(Will)
PENNY
It was just a penny, what could a penny do
It’s a lucky penny, she said, from me to you
Keep it for tomorrow, the race is yours to win
He took the child’s penny, but doubt had settled in
After many trials, faith is hard to hold
He had tried so often, his hope was growing cold
But he thought the penny might be a lucky sign
And so the child’s penny eased his doubting mind
A doubting mind can steal your heart
A doubting mind tears you apart
He glued that lucky penny to the dashboard of his car
And the child’s penny became his guiding star
The smallest voice had the most to say
The frailest child showed a man the way
And you know the story, the man went on to win
It was victory lane the penny put him in
It was just a penny, what is a penny worth
Sometimes just a penny is everything on earth
For the broken hearted, seek and ye shall find
A love that’s held so deeply can ease a doubting mind
It was just a penny that eased his doubting mind
Nick
Earnhardt was a tough guy.
Will
Earnhardt was a pussycat.
Beth
So, let me get this straight. We drove 4 hours to get here and now I’m going to watch a bunch of
car maniacs drive in a circle for God only knows how long and Butch and Sundance are going to
fight about it the whole time?
Ginger
I’d say that’s about right.
Beth
How long does this bunch of car maniacs drive in a circle?
Ginger
About three and a half hours.
Beth
Three and a half hours! I can’t watch a bunch of guys turn left for three and a half hours!
Will
And girls. One of those car maniacs is a girl.
Ginger
There’s only one way to do it. Pick a favorite car.
Beth
Oh, so I can get into it with Butch and Sundance.
Ginger
No, so you have something to root for. Go on. Check out the cars. Find a pretty one.
Beth
Alright.
(she pulls out a pair of opera glasses)
Those cars are all pretty and shiny, they’re like toys, but a car is a car is a ...
(very excited, nearly screaming)
Ginger, there’s a car with M&Ms on it!
Ginger
Oh, I’d be careful of that car if I were you.
Beth
Chocolate on a car! How American is that!
Ginger
No, Beth, I know you have a major thing for chocolate, but not that car.
Beth
That’s the best piece of pop art I’ve ever seen!
Ginger
No, Beth, I’m begging you here.
Beth
M&Ms on a car!
Ginger
No, Beth.
Beth
BIG M&Ms!
SONG:
CHOCOLATE CARS
(Beth)
Beth
(yells)
I love the M&Ms car.
There is a loud chorus of “boo.”
Beth
(shocked)
What did I do?
Ginger
I told you so.
Nick
Yes! Dale just took the lead. Way to go 88!
Will
Jeff’s right behind him. He’ll take it back.
Nick
See that, from ninth to first! I knew Junior was going to have a good day!
Beth
Ginger, you’d better tell me how this works. I mean other than turn left, turn left, turn left. I
need to tell my agency I learned something.
Ginger
Well, there’s 43 drivers in a race.
Nick
And 36 races in a year.
Ginger
And there’s 22 tracks.
Nick
Some are short tracks and those races are dodgem cars and some are really, really big tracks and
those races are scary fast and most of the tracks are just like this. Oh, and some tracks are road
tracks.
Beth
You mean the drivers actually turn right?
Will
Yes.
Beth
Do they have to take lessons?
Ginger
And the long stretch of track in front of the grandstand over there is the front stretch and this
other long stretch ...
Beth
Is the back stretch.
Nick
And the turns are the hard part. They go fast on the stretch and then they have to brake to go into
the turn. If they go in too fast, they smack into the wall and they’re like billiard balls ...
Beth
(yelling)
Oh, my God! That car’s on fire.
Ginger
Kyle Larson.
Nick
Tire blew, threw him into the wall.
Ginger
That’s a lot of smoke in the cockpit.
Will
Smoke, there’s fire in the cockpit.
Beth
Is he gonna get out of his car?
Ginger
He has to be careful. He could hit by another car.
Nick
He’d better get his ass out of there.
Ginger
His net’s down.
Will
He’s out. He’s out!
Nick
So’s his car.
Beth
I can’t believe that! Who does that? Who drives in a race where your car catches on fire but you
can’t get out because you might get hit?!!!
Ginger
(turns to Beth and smiles)
Hellcats.
SONG:
HELLCATS OF THE WHEEL
(Nick, Beth, Ginger, Will)
Ginger
Drivers leaping out of burning cars. That reminds me of the good old days.
Nick
Oh, God, here we go.
Ginger
Those were real men in real cars. They were hellcats.
Will
(to Beth)
The early drivers drove street-legal cars. No roll bars.
Nick
(to Beth)
And the window glass was in.
Will
They even had doors. That opened.
Ginger
And headlights. If they broke them, they drove home in the dark.
Nick
They used to drive their own cars right to the track, race them and drive them home. Would just
paint some number on the doors.
Ginger
Once in a Charlotte race, Lee Petty didn’t have a car so he borrowed a friend’s Buick, totaled it
and had no way to get home. Can you imagine? Borrowing a friend’s car to race?
Will
That might have been the race where Petty pulled out of the pit and Richard was still on the
hood, cleaning the windshield.
Nick
And he held on a whole lap ‘til Lee could drop him off on pit road.
Beth
Wow! The old days.
SONG:
WHISKEY RUNNIN’ COUNTRY BOYS
(Nick, Beth, Ginger, Will)
WHISKEY RUNNIN’ COUNTRY BOYS
It started in a farmer’s field, so the old folks say
Whiskey runnin’ country boys takin’ time to play
They were country boys and their vocation
Was homemade beverage transportation
They made their whiskey run, now it’s time for fun
They got to fightin’ who’s the best, who’s got the fastest car
Which one can out-drive the rest, that’s how country boys are
So they went to a field outside of town
Drove a circle half-mile ‘round
Gonna see who’s number one, racin’ had begun
Oh, how they loved their racin’, how they loved their cars
Bumpin’, bangin’, whumpin’, whangin’, that’s how country boys are
Born dirt track racers, lovin’ speed and lovin’ noise
They were outlaw whiskey runnin’ country boys
They made their seatbelts out of rope, they figured that would do
They rounded up their toughest friends gonna be their crew
Then they taped the headlights, tied the door
Pushed the pedal to the floor
Took off racin’ at full speed, fightin’ for the lead
Sliding sideways through the turns, sailing through the air
Spinnin’ out and crashin’ here and smashin’ there
They were wheel-to-wheel and side-by-side
Slingin’ dirt a mile wide
Chargin’ like a Gatling gun, daredevils every one
Oh, how they loved their racin’, how they loved their cars
Bumpin’, bangin’, whumpin’, whangin’, that’s how country boys are
Born dirt track racers, lovin’ speed and lovin’ noise
They were outlaw whiskey runnin’ country boys
You know those boys had such fun that they were comin’ back
Right after their next whiskey run, they drove to the track
And they went racin’ no holds barred
Rebel rednecks, racin’ hard
And people came from all around to watch it goin’ down
It was on these old dirt tracks that racin’s roots took hold
The whiskey runners built the sport, so the story’s told
They made the racetrack hallowed ground
Where lives were lost as fame was found
And that was how it was begun, shiners havin’ fun
Oh, how they loved their racin’, how they loved their cars
Bumpin’, bangin’, whumpin’, whangin’, that’s how country boys are
Born dirt track racers, lovin’ speed and lovin’ noise
They were outlaw whiskey runnin’ country boys
Ginger
Whiskey runners, what legends. Moonshiners.
Will
Everyone of the shiners built their own engines.
Nick
They had to. They were poor.
Ginger
These days, there isn’t a driver out there who could build their own engine. I’ll bet there’s not a
driver who could change his own tire. Bunch of pretty boys.
Will
(to Ginger)
You know you’re beginning to sound like Nick.
Nick
(to Beth)
The moonshiner engines were works of art.
Ginger
They had to soup them up to outrace the revenuers.
Nick
And that was why they were such good drivers. They had to outrun the revenuers on those
treacherous mountain roads.
Ginger
Yup. The stills were way back in the woods ‘cause they smelled so bad anybody could find
them if they were downwind.
Nick
And then on the weekends, the shiners had to make the run down the mountain.
Ginger
To the nearest town. And the nearest bar that bought their outlaw booze.
Will
And the boys would stick around and party until Sunday and that’s when they’d race each other
to see who had the best engine.
Nick
If they made it down the mountain.
Ginger
They say that every single engine had its own sound. The people who lived in the little mountain
apple shacks could tell which shiner was on a run by the sound of the engine. And they could
hear the revenuers chasin’ ‘em.
SONG:
WHISKEY ROAD
(Ginger)
WHISKEY ROAD
Midnight on the mountain
Cold wind whistles high
Moon shines down on mountain pines
Beneath a raven sky
And the wind whistles a warning
Drive like the devil’s son
Drive like the wind down whiskey road
Make your whiskey run
Whiskey Road, Whiskey Road
Hear his prayer, keep him there
Safe down Whiskey Road
Lone car racing through the night
Where death and danger dare
Shot comes breaking suddenly
Through the quickened air
Faint cold fear thrills through his veins
Run to get away
Revenuer on the chase
Thirsting after prey
Whiskey Road, Whiskey Road
Keep him free, let him be
Safe down Whiskey Road
He can chance the old ridge road
Its rocky drop so steep
A car could pitch into the gorge
And its river running deep
But he knows this roads’ treacherous turns
So he rides the ribbon down
Either he will freedom find
Or his burial ground
Whiskey Road, Whiskey Road
Danger near, night of fear
Here on Whiskey Road
As he hits the river road
And races ‘cross the bridge
He can hear the revenue car
Coming ‘round the ridge
And then he hears the thunderous crash
Mix with the river’s roar
And he escapes into the night
And the valley’s still once more
Whiskey Road, Whiskey Road
Race is run, freedom’s won
Free on Whiskey Road