“Beer”
Play script
EDMUND:
Right, here goes...
(Edmund goes to the front door. Baldrick brushes Edmund's
clothing for a moment.)
EDMUND:
(motioning for Baldrick to stop.) It's all right...
(Edmund opens the front door. Aunt and Uncle Whiteadder
enter.)
EDMUND:
Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you. (He leans over and
kisses Aunt on each cheek.)
AUNT:
(Slaps Edmund twice.) Wicked child!!! Don't lie! Everyone hates us,
and you know it!
EDMUND:
Oh yes. Er, may I introduce my friend Lord Percy...?
PERCY:
(Suave) Well, well, well, Eddy! You didn't tell me you had such a goodlooking aunt!
(Edmund waves at him to shut up. Aunt is shocked.)
PERCY:
Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness! I know what I like, and I like what I
see!
AUNT:
(Slapping Percy.) Be gone, Satan!
EDMUND:
Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance... Did I say
inheritance? I meant journey. If you'd just like to help yourself to a legacy -er, a chair...
AUNT:
Chair? You have chairs in your house?
EDMUND:
Oh, yes.
AUNT:
(Slaps him twice.) Wicked child!!! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In
our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
EDMUND:
...and yourself...?
AUNT:
I sit on Nathaniel - two spikes would be an extravagance.
EDMUND:
Well, quite.
AUNT:
I will suffer comfort this once - we shall just have to stick forks in our legs
between courses. I trust you remember we eat no meat...?
EDMUND:
Heaven forbid, no! Here, we feast only on God's lovely turnip - mashed.
MKTOC. The W orkshop, Clickers Yard, Olney, Bucks. MK46 5DX
Tel: 01234 241357. Email: [email protected]. Web: www.mktoc.co.uk
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“Beer”
Play script
AUNT:
Mashed?!
EDMUND:
Yes...
AUNT:
(Slaps him twice.) Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub
-- for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil
its sacred shape.
EDMUND:
Ah.
AUNT:
I shall have my turnip as God intended.
EDMUND:
Fine. Baldrick!
(Baldrick enters.)
BALDRICK: My Lord...?
EDMUND:
Will you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?
BALDRICK: Well, we've only got the one that-EDMUND:
Just do it, thank you.
(Baldrick leaves.)
EDMUND:
So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended?
AUNT:
He will not answer you; he has taken a vow of silence. I believe that silence
is golden.
EDMUND:
(Coughing, to remind himself why he is doing this) Inheritance.
(There is a noisy knock on the front door.)
AUNT:
Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests...?
EDMUND:
Oh, certainly not!
AUNT:
Good - for where there are other guests there are people to fornicate with!
EDMUND:
Well, quite.
(More knocking on the front door.)
EDMUND:
I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off. (motions over to Percy) Lord
Percy... (He exits.)
MKTOC. The W orkshop, Clickers Yard, Olney, Bucks. MK46 5DX
Tel: 01234 241357. Email: [email protected]. Web: www.mktoc.co.uk
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