J Adult Dev (2006) 13:118–123
DOI 10.1007/s10804-007-9018-3
Midlife Perspectives on Falling in Love: The Dialectic of Unique
Experiences
Adital Ben-Ari Æ Yoav Lavee Æ Zahava Gal
Published online: 3 January 2008
Springer Science+Business Media, LLC 2008
Abstract This study explores the constructed meanings
of falling in love in midlife. In depth interviews were
conducted with 12 participants, all of whom had experienced falling in love in midlife. Analysis of the interview
data suggest that midlife forms the prism through which the
experience of falling in love is perceived: it provides the
context, colors the experience, and characterizes its unique
nature. The uniqueness is created primarily through dialectic between affirmations (compatibility with the notion
of love) and negations (contrasting experiences).
Keywords Falling in love Midlife Qualitative research Turning point
The bodies of scientific literature on both aging and love
have largely ignored the phenomenon of falling in love in
midlife. With the rising incidence of divorce, higher levels
of marital distress, and increased life expectancy in the
Western world, there are millions of middle-aged men and
women who experience falling in love. These include
people who are divorced, widowed, or unhappily married,
as well as never-married single people. They might have
previously encountered different experiences of love, in
relationships that were either satisfying or painful, before
finding a new mate with whom they fall in love in midlife.
The aging literature refers to midlife in terms of physiological changes, accompanied by cognitive and emotional
changes (Crenshaw 1996; Grambs 1989; Neugarten 1968);
role and personality changes (Gutmann 1987); and a change
A. Ben-Ari (&) Y. Lavee Z. Gal
Faculty of Social Welfare and Health Sciences, University
of Haifa, Mount Carmel, Haifa 31905, Israel
e-mail: [email protected]
123
in time perception (Waskel 1991). Nevertheless, there is no
consensus as to what constitutes ‘‘midlife.’’ The definition
of midlife depends on a variety of factors, including culture,
gender, marital status, social status, and life expectancy
(Hunter and Sundel 1989). Whereas some scholars have
used a chronological criterion, defining midlife as a midpoint between birth and death (Levinson 1978), others
consider it as a way of thinking, as the perception of oneself
in relation to time, rather than as a certain number of years
of life (Goldstein 1995). In this regard, McAdams (1993)
refers to the ‘‘social clock,’’ suggesting that being in midlife
is to recognize that there is only as much time left as there is
time past. This realization leads to an increased concern
with mortality as death becomes more ‘‘personalized.’’
The scientific study of love is relatively new in the
social sciences. The systematic study of love did not begin
until the late 1960s, though it has since been written about
voluminously over the past three decades. As many
scholars have noted, love is a complex, multi-level phenomenon encompassing a large set of behaviors, attitudes,
and feelings (Bergner 2000; Hendrick and Hendrick 1992;
Johnson 2001). Researchers have described it in terms of
love prototypes (Fehr 1988; Steck et al. 1982) or love
styles (Lasswell and Lobsenz 1980; Lee 1973); as paradigm cases of love (Davis and Todd 1982); or in terms of
its various components (Beach and Tessler 1988; Sternberg
1986). More recent conceptions about love have framed it
as a story, reflecting an attempt to deal with the concept as
a whole rather than with its constituent parts (Sternberg
1998).
Qualitative research has focused on the phenomenology
of love relationships (Snyder 1992), as well as on specific
experiences of love, such as desperate love, unrequited
love, and loss of love (Baumeister et al. 1993; Sperling
1988; Vacek 1989). As Snyder (1992) notes, such research
Midlife Perspectives on Falling in Love
explores ‘‘the role of interpretive processes in love relationships and the salience of human beings as symbolizing
creatures who actively construct the meaning of their
experiences within a specific sociocultural and historical
context’’ (p. 44).
Research on romantic love, both quantitative and qualitative, appears to corroborate the Western conception that
‘‘love belongs to the young.’’ The majority of research has
been conducted on the experience of young adults, mostly
college students. In contrast, love in later periods of life has
received only scant attention. At this stage in the life cycle,
the focus is typically on change in the love relationship
over the course of time. Following Sternberg’s (1986) triangular theory, Reeder (1996) found that the three
components of love—commitment, intimacy, and passion—remained relatively stable among lovers’ age
cohorts, although the expressions of these components
change with age.
How is love experienced at midlife? How do middle-aged
people account for their falling in love? It is reasonable to
assume that a 50-year-old would experience love differently
from a 20-year-old. Midlife stories of falling in love, like all
stories, have a temporal dimension. However, midlife
experiences assume a special time perspective: When people
fall in love during this stage of the life cycle, their accounts of
the particular experience are embedded within a larger
framework, encompassing previous love experiences. It is
this larger context that the present study uses to examine the
phenomenon of falling in love in midlife.
Method
Participants
Sampling decisions in the current study were both conceptually and theoretically purposive. Purposive sampling
is used to obtain a sample that typifies the phenomenon
under investigation. All participants were recruited using a
criterion sampling procedure, which assumes the application of some predetermined criterion of importance (Patton
2002). The participants for this study consisted of six men
and six women, all of whom experienced falling in love
when they were 45- to 57-years-old. The selection of participants was based on ensuring the inclusion of people
who had fallen in love during midlife either following
widowhood, after a divorce, or while still married.
Interview Procedures and Analysis
All participants were interviewed in depth, with interviews
lasting between one-and-a-half to two hours. The semi-
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structured interviews were recorded and fully transcribed.
Each interview started by asking: ‘‘Tell me the story of
your falling in love.’’ It then proceeded to explore the range
of associated experiences, thoughts, feelings and behaviors,
as well as the events that were perceived as antecedents to
the experience of falling in love. Participants were also
asked about the significance of both the experience of
falling in love and the experience of being in midlife.
This study employs phenomenological procedures of
analysis. It describes and explores the life experiences and
the meanings that people in midlife construct around a
certain phenomenon—their falling in love experience
(Creswell 1998; Polkinghorne 1989). The basic aim of
qualitative research in general and phenomenological
analysis in particular is to deeply explore the phenomenon
under study and to develop a conceptual understanding of
the essence or the underlying structure of the experience,
while recognizing that an essential meaning of the experience exists (Creswell 1998) and can be assigned to the
phenomenon (Giorgi 1987).
The analysis involved a few systematic steps. First, all
interviews were carefully read as a whole in order to
achieve familiarity with the data and the informants (Kvale
1994). In the subsequent case analysis, each interview was
re-read, and core themes and categories were identified and
constructed. More specifically, we identified content areas
from the interviews that dealt with midlife (e.g., re-evaluation of life, passage of time, losses) and the experience of
falling in love (e.g., behaviors, thoughts, feelings).
This was followed by a cross-case analysis to examine
the core themes revealed across all of the interviews
(Maxwell 1996; Cresswell 1998; Padgett 1998). Comparisons were made of the inductive categories that were
generated, conceptual categories (e.g., contrasting experiences) and structural categories (dialectic between
affirmations and negations), yielding the major themes
present in the data. Next, axial coding (Strauss and Corbin
1998) established the relationships among the themes,
categories, and subcategories. Finally, We developed a
conceptual sceme that links the constructed meaning of
midlife to the unique experience of falling in love (Gilgun
1992, 2001; Strauss and Corbin 1998).
Findings and Discussion
In telling about their experiences of falling in love during
midlife, all participants constructed the experience as
unique by stressing its compatibility with their notion of
‘‘love’’ and by contrasting it with other love experiences.
They also reflected on midlife as the context providing the
unique nature of this experience by distinguishing between
two qualitatively different periods: one that preceded and
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one that followed the experience. Thus, it became apparent
that the experience of falling in love in midlife can be
defined as a ‘‘turning point.’’
A. Ben-Ari et al.
using contrasting words, such as ‘‘never,’’ ‘‘different,’’ and
‘‘differently.’’
Behavioral Expressions of Being in Love
Falling in Love: The Dialectic of a Unique Experience
The interview data suggest that the uniqueness of falling in
love is constructed through the dialectic between affirmations and negations, namely, by what this love experience
is and how it differs from previous love relationships.
Specifically, affirmation statements refer to love experiences that are compatible with one’s conception of love.
Negation statements refer to previous experiences that are
presented as contrasting with the experience of falling in
love during midlife. By creating such a structure that
encompasses both affirmations and negations, the special
nature of the experience of falling in love in midlife stands
out as unique. The dialectic between affirmations and
negations was reflected in several contexts: (1) the meaning
and significance of falling in love; (2) behavioral expressions of being in love; and (3) the changing perception of
self.
The Meaning and Significance of Falling in Love
The uniqueness of the love experience was constructed by
presenting all previous intimate relationships as either not
love or not true love. Michael, a 57-year-old man who had
a love affair of more than 10 years, recounted his experience in affirmation and negation statements:
Affirmation: It was love at first sight…we felt so much.
It was an emotional storm, we really did not have to talk
much… Only now I discovered what love really is…
Now I know what love means… It is the longing to be
together, the intensity, the magnitude, the excitement…
nothing else is needed. I discovered what real love is… I
understand what love means… I know that feeling called
love. What I understand today is that I am experiencing
real love.
Negation: Now I understand things differently… I never
had such a love experience… All other love experiences
that I had in the past were different, they were not real
love.
In addition to the content itself, the uniqueness of the
love experience in midlife is also manifested by most
participants in the usage of particular words that emphasize
this love relationship in contrast to others. In the affirmation, the uniqueness is expressed by referring to the current
experience in terms such as ‘‘today,’’ ‘‘now,’’ and ‘‘only
now.’’ In the negation, the uniqueness is emphasized by
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Another way of constructing the unique nature of the
experience was by identifying behaviors, activities, and
expressions of love that participants were not aware of in
previous relationships. Many interviewees found themselves doing things in which they had not engaged in the
past and which were totally different from what they had
been used to doing in their ordinary lives. As Ruth, a 45year-old woman who is engaged in a love affair with a
married man, related:
Affirmation: I am 43 and I am a teenager again. I dress
up like a teenager. I make all efforts to be around him…
always wanting to touch him, to be next to him… I
create situations where we can be together, to sit next to
each other… I wait for the telephone calls… not leaving
the house in case he might call… I allow myself to do
things I only saw in movies or fantasized about… taking
a bath with candles… going to the beach at midnight
with beer or wine.
Negation: It was all new and a different experience for
me… Sexually I am doing things that I never dreamed I
would do… I was very conservative. I came from a very
conservative and rigid family… As a teenager I put
many restrictions, many limitations… I am now doing
things I never dared doing before.
Here again, the respondent constructs the uniqueness
of the experience—this time in referring to behavior and
activities—by describing it in imaginary terms (being a
teenager, acting on fantasies, doing things seen in
movies), while repeatedly using terms that contrast the
new experience with previous intimate relationships (‘‘I
never dreamed,’’ ‘‘I never dared,’’ ‘‘different experience,’’ etc.).
The Changing Perception of Self
A different perception of the self was a third way in which
participants constructed the uniqueness of their love
experience. Participants described a ‘‘new self’’ emerging
out of the romantic relationship. Miri, a 52-year-old
woman, described how comfortable she was with her new
self:
Affirmation: Finally, I look in the mirror and I like what
I see. I like the woman in me, I feel like a flower that
opened up.
Midlife Perspectives on Falling in Love
Negation: I always felt that I was wearing a mask; all of
a sudden I had the strength to pull off the mask and
throw it away and look at the world straight in the eyes
… I don’t have to hide who I really am… I can be
myself all the time.
For this woman, the emergence of a new self involves
recognizing that facades are no longer needed and that she
can feel comfortable being ‘‘herself.’’ Related to this discovery is a shift in priorities, that is, replacing previous
needs to meet others’ expectations with one’s own wants
and wishes. As Sharon, a 51-year-old woman, explained:
Affirmation: Finally I do what I want; I am not going to
give up anymore. I feel that all my strengths are coming
back to me. I feel that I have the power to struggle and
cope with problems at home and at work.
Negation: I was a slave at work, at home… I found that I
gave up on things that were really important for me… I
don’t live up to societal expectations anymore… I am
not a housewife, not a list of things I ought to do, not the
mother of or the wife of.
In addition to the structural composition of affirmation
and negation as means by which unique experiences were
constructed, most participants defined various levels of
‘‘uniqueness.’’ One level of uniqueness, reflected by five
interviewees, was expressed by asserting that such an
experience could happen only once in a lifetime or only
with one particular person. A higher level of uniqueness
was expressed by three participants, proposing that no
one else in the world could experience such an intense
love, and an even higher level was expressed by one
woman who declared that no one in the world could
possibly imagine, fantasize, or dream about such an
experience.
Reflections on Falling in Love in Midlife
In reflecting on their experiences, most participants (10)
constructed the meaning of midlife as the context for
falling in love in relation to two themes: the passage of
time and a re-evaluation of one’s life. With respect to the
former, some participants referred to midlife as a period of
both endings and new beginnings. Endings were sometimes
perceived as loss of opportunities, while new beginnings
were associated with hope. Susan, a 47-year-old woman,
offered her perspective on being in midlife:
It was the beginning of the second half with a lot of
sorrow and sadness. I knew I had to give up my
dreams of having another child. I felt that that was it.
What I did not accomplish would stay like that. At
the same time, I also had a feeling of a new
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beginning... good things happened to me, I was more
complete.
Others alluded to midlife as a time for contemplation
and re-evaluation of one’s life, perhaps even suggesting
that falling in love in midlife is not accidental. As Arik, a
51-year-old divorced man, recounted:
I think that when you are forty, you start making
calculations. You look backward and forward. I told
one of my friends that I was prepared to die because I
had accomplished a lot and I had it all… but down
there, when I was really looking inside, checking
honestly, I knew that I hadn’t had enough of anything, that if I were to have forty more years of the
same life, then my life would have no significance, no
real goal… I started to look on the other side of the
scale and realized that the end was getting closer, that
if I had more years of the same life there was nothing
to look forward to.
As these two quotes indicate, the uniqueness of falling
in love at this stage is underscored by changes in the perception of time assumed in midlife, namely, a ‘‘passage’’
containing both endings and new beginnings, accompanied
by a re-evaluation of what has been achieved in life relative
to the time left (Sheehy 1976). Thus, being in midlife is
seen as providing a context for the experience of falling in
love—first, as a turning point and second, as the opportunity to recreate oneself.
Turning point is defined as ‘‘a point at which a significant
change occurs’’ (Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary
1995). That is, what precedes the event is perceived as
qualitatively different from what follows it. Scholars have
recognized that in an attempt to impose order and sequence
on their lives, individuals tend to define certain events as
turning points or epiphanies that have the potential for
creating transformational experiences (Denzin 1989). Perceiving the experience of falling in love in midlife as a
turning point combines both the constructed meaning of
love as unique and the significance of time implied by being
in midlife. As Aaron, a 45-year-old man, relates:
It divided my life into two parts… I am a different
man. Today, priorities and proportions are different.
Prior to the experience of falling in love, I had the
potential; today, I am materializing it.
In dividing his life into two parts—before and after—the
falling in love experience stands out as a turning point. The
attempt to divide one’s life into two parts that are qualitatively different from each other assumes a retrospective
outlook that promotes a sense of coherence and continuity
(Ben-Ari 1995), as well as an implicit evaluation of the
quality of the two parts.
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Indeed, the perception of falling in love in midlife as a
turning point creates the context for the emergence of a
‘‘new person.’’ Accordingly, it is not surprising that the
metaphor of rebirthing to describe this experience is used
by many, including 49-year-old Uzi:
It is like I was reborn with the advantage of having
the experiences I gained in the past. It is not like a
baby who was just born and needs to learn about life.
It is rebirthing into life, knowing the things and
expectations and doing things differently from what
you did and how you did them in the past.
Like Uzi, participants who associated the meaning of
‘‘turning point’’ with the experience of falling in love
clearly showed a preference for the ‘‘new person’’ emerging in the latter part of their lives. Indeed, romantic love
may offer a dramatic change in self and transforms the
sense sense of time (Person 1989). As Rosenwald and
Ochberg (1992, p.1) so aptly put it, the establishment of a
turning point is ‘‘the means by which identities may be
fashioned.’’
Conclusions and Practical Implications
The present study extends previous research in its attempt
to explore the experience of falling in love at a later stage
in the life cycle. It suggests that people in midlife tend to
perceive their experiences of falling in love as being
uniquely different from their previous intimate relationships. Why is it that they tell their stories in the way that
they do? What purpose does it serve to tell about an
experience as being unique? The stories that people tell
themselves and others provide the framework through
which they perceive and organize the world (Bruner 1986;
Lieblich et al. 1998; McAdams 1993) and according to
which they present themselves.
It is important to note that all participants in the present
study had experienced falling in love during midlife.
However, the findings raise questions as to those who have
had dissapointing love experiences earlier in their lives and
have not experienced falling in love in midlife. Why is it
that some adults experience falling in love in midlife and
others do not? These questions are beyond the scope of the
present study and are left to be addressed in future
research.
It might well be that adolescents and young adults also
perceive falling in love as a unique experience, particularly
if it is their first time (Sternberg 1995, 1998). However, for
older adults the uniqueness of this experience may be
shaped by additional aspects. First, people in this stage of
life have a broader time perspective that enables a comparison between various types of intimate relationships.
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A. Ben-Ari et al.
When people in midlife describe their experience of falling
in love as a ‘‘unique’’ one that differs from all others, they
are actually able to compare their ‘‘new’’ romantic experience with previous ones. Indeed, this broader perspective
on life lends additional significance to their stories.
Second, the construction of uniqueness may be a way
for people in midlife to deal with the sense of emptiness
and pessimism that nothing exciting awaits them in the
years ahead (Bart 1971; Gould 1980; Levinson 1978;
Neugarten 1968; Schaie and Willis 1986; Waskel 1991). It
may also provide a means for coping with questions of
sexuality and mortality. In contrast to the ‘‘over-the-hill’’
image so often associated with midlife crisis, the metaphor
of rebirthing stands in defiance of the inevitability of death.
As such, this unique love story fits the way in which people
in midlife choose to tell about their experiences of falling
in love and the way in which they relate them to the
meaning of being in midlife.
Given that romantic relationships hold such a central
place in people’s lives, it becomes vitally important that
mental health professionals develop an understanding of
the nature of falling in love at different stages of the life
cycle (Bergner 2000). This is especially important for
professionals working with clients at midlife as well as at
later stages in the life cycle. Practitioners, much like social
science researchers, often operate under the assumption
that ‘‘love belongs to the young.’’However, as we have
learned from our participants, falling in love during midlife
has its own special qualities and characteristics. Although
some aspects of their falling-in-love experiences may
resemble those of their younger counterparts, the constructed meanings assigned to those experiences define
them as unique.
Practitioners are advised to regard midlife not only as an
‘‘over-the-hill’’ stage in the life span—characterized by an
increased awareness of one’s mortality and by a pessimistic
look at the time remaining—but also to consider it as an
opportunity for personal growth and development, with
potential for new and unpredicted beginnings. By adopting
a midlife perspective, mental health professionals can thus
create a prism through which their clients’ falling-in-love
experiences may gain additional significance and enrich the
therapeutic context in which services are provided.
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