LIKE PIGEONS
by
Nate Harpel
127 e 40th st
Savannah, GA
31401
[email protected]
425.308.3508
nateharpel.com
(c) Nate Harpel, 2013
2
A quiet city park. ALPHONSUS, very old, sits
on a park bench. BARTHOLOMEW, also old,
enters, sits, sighs. They watch some pigeons.
ALPHONSUS
Feeling old?
BARTHOLOMEW
You know it. How could you tell?
ALPHONSUS
You look old.
BARTHOLOMEW
Shit.
ALPHONSUS
The groan as you sat down, the weary glance at the pigeons.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fucking pigeons.
ALPHONSUS
Good ol’ pigeons.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, my knees they ache something.
ALPHONSUS
It’s my hips what hurts.
BARTHOLOMEW
My hips still doing alright.
ALPHONSUS
My knees ain’t so bad.
BARTHOLOMEW
Huh. Growing old is hard on the bones.
ALPHONSUS
You drinking your milk?
BARTHOLOMEW
I hate milk.
3
ALPHONSUS
It's the calcium what's important.
BARTHOLOMEW
Chocolate’s got calcium in it, don’t it?
ALPHONSUS
It's the milk in chocolate gives chocolate the calcium.
BARTHOLOMEW
I do like chocolate. Chocolate doughnut. I'd eat a doughnut. Got a buck or two, I do.
ALPHONSUS
I got some change. I'd go halfsies on a couple doughnuts.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fifteen cents, twenty, thirty, thirty-five, sixty.
ALPHONSUS
Thirty cents. Fifty cents. Sixty cents. Eighty-five. Ninety-five. A buck whole.
BARTHOLOMEW
Seventy. Ninety-five. Buck-oh-five. Buck ten. Buck thirty-five.
ALPHONSUS
Plus one two three four five six seven eight cents.
BARTHOLOMEW
Two buck thirty-two if my mathematics ain't escaped me yet.
ALPHONSUS
That all?
BARTHOLOMEW
I'm afraid that's the truth.
ALPHONSUS
Well, that would have to buy a couple doughnuts, wouldn’t it?
BARTHOLOMEW
It would have to. But would it buy the coffee?
ALPHONSUS
And what’s a doughnut without coffee?
4
BARTHOLOMEW
And what's a coffee without doughnuts?
ALPHONSUS
It’s truths you tell.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re running out of time.
ALPHONSUS
We don’t got much, Bart, I know.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bartholomew, now. Time to grow up, Al. Turn ninety next week. Ninety years old next week.
ALPHONSUS
My, how the time flies. Like a hummingbird.
BARTHOLOMEW
Like a sparrow.
ALPHONSUS
Like a carrier pigeon.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fucking pigeons.
ALPHONSUS
Good ol' pigeons.
They watch the pigeons, look at their watches.
ALPHONSUS
Say, do you suppose I should start going by Alphonsus?
BARTHOLOMEW
Why would you do that, Al?
ALPHONSUS
Well, I’m starting to show my age as well, ain’t I? Maybe it's time.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, I suppose maybe you should. How old you now?
ALPHONSUS
Eighty-eight last February.
5
BARTHOLOMEW
Eighty-eight. I remember eighty-eight. Good year. Last time I fell in love I was eighty-eight.
ALPHONSUS
You sure?
BARTHOLOMEW
Dead sure. Eighty-eight. Like the keys on a piano.
ALPHONSUS
Eighty-eight.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damnit. Last time had my heart broken too. Eighty-eight.
ALPHONSUS
Surely you ain’t having your heart broken at this age. Figured it'd be used to it.
BARTHOLOMEW
The heart’s a muscle like anything else. Gets older and more fragile just like the rest of us. I’m a
more sensitive man than I used to be, Al. You ain’t had your heart broken recently?
ALPHONSUS
I don’t recall it, but my mind ain’t what it used to be. I forget a lot of things these days, I do.
BARTHOLOMEW
Ain’t that the truth.
The watch the pigeons, look at their watches.
ALPHONSUS
Remember Clarissa?
BARTHOLOMEW
If I remember anything. Still got her photo with me. Wrote her name on the back. Got it right
here, right here in my billfold. Have a look-a-see, wouldja?
He finds his wallet and pulls a photo out.
ALPHONSUS
Such a pretty girl.
BARTHOLOMEW
She was a beautiful woman.
6
ALPHONSUS
She was one foxy lady.
BARTHOLOMEW
All true.
ALPHONSUS
Ain’t it though?
BARTHOLOMEW
True is true.
ALPHONSUS
You really loved her, didn’t you?
BARTHOLOMEW
True is true.
ALPHONSUS
Say, you seen her? You seen her, Clarissa, lately?
BARTHOLOMEW
She left us a few years back.
ALPHONSUS
Shit.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. Shit.
ALPHONSUS
Life sure is sad. Sure is sad.
They watch the pigeons, look at their watches.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fucking pigeons.
ALPHONSUS
Good ol’ pigeons.
BARTHOLOMEW
Life sure is sad. Like your old sad songs. You still sing those old sad songs?
ALPHONSUS
I don't know now, Bart.
7
BARTHOLOMEW
Bartholomew. Wouldja sing me something sad, Al?
ALPHONSUS
Alphonsus.
BARTHOLOMEW
Alphonsus. I need to hear me something sad. Sing me one of them old sad songs.
Alphonsus, posing as a choirboy, sings:
ALPHONSUS
My soul is young though my skin is old
My bones are broken, left along the road
Someday I’m gonna disappear, I’m gonna fly away
But my soul, my soul is gonna stay, gonna stay
BARTHOLOMEW
That's awful nice.
ALPHONSUS
Maybe you wanna join in with me?
BOTH
My soul is young though my skin is old
My bones are broken, left along the road
Someday I’m gonna disappear, I’m gonna fly away
But my soul, my soul is gonna stay, gonna stay.
BARTHOLOMEW
I remember that one. You wrote that one back in the day.
ALPHONSUS
Back in the old days. Old, old days.
BARTHOLOMEW
Ah. That's a song. Like an angel whispering in your ear;
ALPHONSUS
Angels?
BARTHOLOMEW
When you get to be my age, you’ll believe in angels.
ALPHONSUS
Angels? I dunno.
8
BARTHOLOMEW
Just you wait. Eighty-eight’s an easy year. Eighty-nine was bad. Bad year eighty-nine.
ALPHONSUS
How’s ninety looking?
BARTHOLOMEW
Exponentially worse.
ALPHONSUS
Exponentially worse. Shit.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re running out of time.
ALPHONSUS
Oh, now. It’s a nice day. Children playing in the grass. Birds merrily chirping away.
BARTHOLOMEW
I suppose it is. I suppose it is. There is no hurry. There is no hurry.
ALPHONSUS
Pigeons bobbing about.
BARTHOLOMEW
What you always going on about pigeons for?
ALPHONSUS
You know, men like you and me, we’re a lot like pigeons.
BARTHOLOMEW
You think so?
ALPHONSUS
Wandering about, bobbing our heads, no particular place to go. Wander away, fly back home.
BARTHOLOMEW
Say, how long is it since we last saw each other?
ALPHONSUS
Must be coming on thirty years. Twenty, thirty years.
BARTHOLOMEW
My, my.
They watch the pigeons, look at their watches.
9
ALPHONSUS
Oh, Clarissa.
BARTHOLOMEW
Thirty years, really?
ALPHONSUS
Clarissa and I used to dance. Close our eyes and sway together. We would dance. Dance, dance.
BARTHOLOMEW
Clarissa and I used to dance too. To those old songs on that old Victrola. That was years ago.
ALPHONSUS
Oh, Clarissa.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, Clarissa. Dancing with her across the bare floorboards of our home.
ALPHONSUS
Dancing with her across the bricks outside our door.
BARTHOLOMEW
Dancing with her…
They stand and dance by themselves, all bony,
ancient, and dogged, swirling about until they
find each other in their independent twirlings.
ALPHONSUS
Don’t mind if I do.
They dance together.
BARTHOLOMEW
Ah. Dancing across the bare floorboards of our home.
ALPHONSUS
Dancing across the bricks outside our door.
Suddenly, the moment is gone and they stop.
BARTHOLOMEW
You have much rougher hands than Clarissa.
ALPHONSUS
Your breath stinks.
10
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re far too tall.
ALPHONSUS
Your skin is mostly liver spots.
They sit again. Pigeons. Watches.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re running out of time.
ALPHONSUS
Poor old Lee.
BARTHOLOMEW
Cornelius.
ALPHONSUS
Him too?
BARTHOLOMEW
He was older than me. Musta growed into his name years ago.
ALPHONSUS
Fine, fine man, that man.
BARTHOLOMEW
Shame to see him go.
ALPHONSUS
Ain’t it the truth? Poor old Lee.
BARTHOLOMEW
Poor old Cornelius.
ALPHONSUS
Poor old Cornelius. Ninety-nine years old and still died too young.
BARTHOLOMEW
Ain’t it the truth?
ALPHONSUS
Sure is. Sure is. Sure is.
BARTHOLOMEW
Well, let’s put him in the ground.
11
ALPHONSUS
He’s with Ma and Pa now.
BARTHOLOMEW
Only two of us left.
ALPHONSUS
Only two brothers left.
They start to head off, slowly.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, my knees.
ALPHONSUS
My poor old hips.
BARTHOLOMEW
You know, if we split one doughnut and one cuppa coffee, I imagine we'd have enough.
ALPHONSUS
We are running out of time.
BARTHOLOMEW
He can wait. Not going anywhere.
ALPHONSUS
No one’s running away now. Too old to run.
They pass the pigeons as they leave.
BARTHOLOMEW
Fucking pigeons.
ALPHONSUS
Good ol’ pigeons.
BARTHOLOMEW
Good ol’ pigeons.
END OF PLAY