ASSERTIVENESS
DEFINITION OF ASSERTIVENESS
‘Confident and direct in claiming one’s rights and or putting forward one’s
views.’
OBSTACLES FOR BEING ASSERTIVE?
 Some people don’t believe they have a right to be assertive
 Many are highly anxious at the thought of being assertive
 Some people lack the skills for their own self-expression, particularly to
their loved ones
 Sometimes, there has been a pattern of communication, which is very hard
to break
 We may have had years of allowing ourselves to be doormats to someone
else’s irresponsible and disruptive behaviour
 We are afraid of confrontation
REDUCING ANXIETY AND PROMOTING RELAXATION TO BECOME ASSERTIVE
When we are faced with difficult and threatening situations, many of us
become anxious. What happens to our bodies when we become anxious? We
experience headaches, dizziness, sleeplessness, nervousness and nausea.
These are common bodily indicators of anxiety. Extreme forms of anxiety can
produce ulcers, migraine headaches, even heart attacks.
Deep muscle relaxation can help train your body to relax. Becoming aware of
your body and going through each part from top to bottom, tensing and
relaxing, breathing deeply, can do wonders. It takes effort, commitment and
perseverance to make this a habit.
SMALL INCREMENTS OF CHANGE ARE THE KEY
Acknowledging that you and the other person have needs, and therefore
working towards a workable compromise, is crucial. This takes a lot of practice,
especially when, for example, you are going to say “no” to someone who
wants to come home from rehab, or prison yet again.
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© Self Help Addiction Resource Centre 2015
This will be extremely hard and uncomfortable. This is where the work needs
to be done on our part. It would be wonderful if we could all see things from
each other’s point of view, however conflict is part of life and when our family
and friends are treading a fine line, it is far from easy to come to an
agreement.
Here are a few strategies and insights to help you. It is important to remember
that everyone does things in their own time and there is no wrong way.
1. Attending a support group or seeing a counsellor provides a safe place for
you to come and share honestly. A large component of being assertive is
knowing the right words, however “how” we say something has an even
greater impact.
2. Your body language is important. You may not realise it, but your body does
communicate. Your style of emotional expression, posture, facial
expressions and voice quality are all tremendously important. How do we
develop an assertive body language style?
 Direct eye contact
 Facial expression- be congruent, let your face say the same thing as your
words
 Body posture - an active and erect posture lends additional assertiveness to
your message
 If you are slumped and passive you immediately give the other person an
advantage
 Gestures - Relaxed use of gestures can add depth and power to your
message
 Voice - Beware of how you come across in this way with your tone,
infliction, and volume
 The content - Use “I” messages for example, “I am really upset with you”
instead of “You are really annoying.”
PEER SUPPORT CAPACITY BUILDING PROJECT
© Self Help Addiction Resource Centre 2015
TECHNIQUES OF ASSERTIVENESS
 Broken record: Persistence. The ability to say it repeatedly without
getting irritated or angry. With this technique, you are not deterred by
anything the other person may say but you will keep calm until they
either agree to your request or agree to compromise
 Fogging: this is a skill that teaches acceptance of manipulating criticism,
by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be
some truth in what he is saying, yet to allow you to remain your own
judge of what you do. This is a very effective skill for desensitising you to
their crisis. It actually reduces the frequency of criticism from others. It
sets a psychological distance and boundary lines between you and the
other person.
 Listening for clues from others: Notice what is happening for them and
asking them questions avoids awkward silences. Self-disclosure involves
disclosing information about yourself, how you think, feel and react you
the other person’s information. This allows free communication to flow
both ways.
PEER SUPPORT CAPACITY BUILDING PROJECT
© Self Help Addiction Resource Centre 2015