Goodbye – Patricia Smith
Dear you this is just the thousandth time
I have written these words there are slivers
Of my bone in them there are whole oceans
Of cry I have written these words to only me and
Used them to sing myself to sleep I have
Chanted them to recover from your smell
On my body but tonight they are your words
You won them because tonight I looked in
your eyes and could not find myself in them
because you held my shoulders and told
me to be patient again not to give up on you
not to give up on us and I am tired of being
the strong one, tired of hanging on, swinging
from that one thin hook of your heart,
I want to sleep now I want to sleep now I
Want to scrub you away and forget your face
I want not to hate myself anymore not to nod
Yes yes again like a dog craving shelter not to
Smile indulgent when you call me or use
The circle of my arms to cry
I want to sleep now in arms that
Aren’t so crowded this brand of love this yes
But no not really love has wearied me I
Want to be whole with someone I want a whole
Someone I want to hold someone and you
Tell me you will not be much and I
Say yes and you tell me you may hurt forever
And I say yes and you say this is hard for me
And have you noticed the hundred places my heart
Is buried under the floorboard on the highway
In the telephone wire in every syllable of every
Pulling back pulling away that is you yes these
Are your words now these are your words for
Free I cannot wear them anymore I cannot dress
Myself in them or feed on them it is not enough
To know I can say goodbye not enough anymore
For you to tell me how strong I am pat on
The back not enough the please don’t worry kiss
Not enough your craving closure not enough
Not even the crazy eyes and sweat you are now
Is enough I was not in your eyes tonight I want
To sleep just sleep just wake up in a world where
I am not waiting and you are not loving me to death