Helping your child mix with others
Intervening
As a parent you may be worried that
your deaf child will have difficulty
mixing with other children, and that
they might be isolated as a result.
Other parents have stressed the
importance of outside school
activities, hobbies and socialising with
other children in the family. It is
important that your child can mix with
both deaf and hearing children. In this
section, parents of deaf children talk
about how they helped their child mix
with others, both children and adults.
hua to mix
“I am persevering with getting Jos
child. I have
in small groups or with one other
ing with
to spend more time than usual sitt
the floor
him and the children (I get down on
with them) to aid communication.”
Amanda, mother of Joshua (age 6)
“I have always encourag
ed friends to come to
our house, which now
is more like a youth
club! So Liam has alway
s had a sociable and
communicative nature.”
Jane and Ged, parents
of Harriet (age 7)
to your child and not
“Get other people to talk
only uses sign
just you, even if the child
and oral. This makes
language or is using sign
al, equal and involved.”
the child feel more norm
an
Jacqueline, mother of Se
18
ne with her
“I have found it very difficult to interve
nger I
social situations. When she was you
she’s
would ask other children to play, now
’s feeling,
older I try to talk to her about how she
tions.”
what she wants, and make sugges
Jane, mother of Rebecca (age 12)
“With mixing I used to jus
t go out and stand at
the front of the house, en
couraging Helen to get
to know the other children
on the road. Now
they just come and call
for her; it’s great to see
her mixing well. It took a
lot of encouragement at
the beginning and I had
to teach social skills, bu
t
it has been worth it in the
end.”
Dina, mother of Helen an
d Faye (aged 7 and 4)
nds’
“We have allowed him to go to frie
ourage
houses from an early stage to enc
social skills.
independence and to improve his
inviting his
We have also put a lot of effort in
has
friends round to our house which
boosted his confidence.”
Jeanette, mother of Fintan (age 6)
“Joshua is very good at
mixing, but we still put
a lot of effort in. We ha
ve to drive to the village
school and bring many
hearing children to our
home for tea and play.
If your child doesn’t ge
t
invited back, don’t take
it personally, just keep
inviting children back an
d try and chat to the
parents when dropping
off their child.”
Neil and Debbie, parent
s of Joshua (age 8)
spoken
ix with others I have
m
n
ya
R
g
in
lp
he
“In
Brigade
ol and at his Boys’
to children at scho
d
own’s Syndrome an
D
t
ou
ab
d
ne
ai
pl
and ex
them
akaton and taught
M
em
th
n
ow
sh
have
doing and
all the children love
ch
hi
w
s
gn
si
e
m
so
yan.”
try them out on R
Ryan (age 8)
Susan, mother of
19
Helping your child mix with others
s
Sport clubs
and
from home,
out an hour’s drive away
ab
is
ich
wh
ol
ho
sc
a
“Jessica goes to
the people who
usly she doesn’t know
vio
ob
So
s.
bu
ol
ho
sc
she gets the
of all, it’s really
o things from that. First
tw
nd
fou
we
d
an
a
ren
are
live in the
schools so that the child
al
loc
e
th
th
wi
ks
lin
e
ak
important
important that you m
found that it was really
we
ly,
nd
co
se
t,
bu
,
ica
the links with
can play with Jess
unity. On the one hand,
m
m
co
al
loc
e
th
in
th
wi
just weren’t
to make links
rents in the first instance
pa
e
th
at
th
nd
fou
we
sn’t at the
the school,
uld be because she wa
co
at
th
t
gh
ou
th
e
W
.
t, we also
inviting Jessica back
ol gates to greet her. Bu
ho
sc
e
th
at
’t
ren
we
we
t work with a
school every day,
on, how does the paren
ati
pid
tre
of
bit
le
litt
a
s
found there wa
rk on breaking
d to do was a lot of wo
ha
we
at
wh
So
af?
de
child who’s
down the barriers.
th Jessica, so
d so many sleepovers wi
ha
we
d,
un
ro
ts
ren
pa
e
her
We invited th
fact that once she took
e
Th
s.
wa
ica
ss
Je
w
ho
er the
that the girls could see
ht, so she couldn’t whisp
nig
at
ar
he
n’t
uld
co
e
her hand,
hearing aids out sh
at sleepovers. On the ot
do
ey
th
e
lik
ls
gir
r
he
ot
the links. She
same as all the
just wasn’t building up
ica
ss
Je
,
ity
un
m
m
co
al
. My
within the loc
tting back until 4.30pm
ge
’t
sn
wa
en
th
d
an
up those
was going out at 7.45am
s so important to build
wa
it
at
th
on
rly
ea
lly
rea
s and
husband and I felt
ned things like Brownie
joi
we
s
wa
did
we
at
local links. So wh
nt to ballet and activities
we
we
d
an
ing
m
im
sw
r
he
eet
Rainbows, and we took
n walk down the high str
ca
e
sh
w,
no
en
dd
su
a
to build
like that. So that all of
ows, that’s so important
kn
e
sh
at
th
le
op
pe
to
and she can wave
e future.”
up her confidence in th
(age 10)
Denise, mother of Jessica
20
l’ activities
“Try to encourage as many ‘norma
ivities are
as possible. Practical and visual act
uts,
especially good; for example, sco
and football
swimming lessons, play schemes
al except
camps, as then the boys were equ
. As
for their communication difficulties
liaise with
parents you need to support and
how to best
the leaders of these groups as to
handle your child.”
ie
Sandra, mother of Matthew and Jam
(aged 17 and 13)
“Harriet always had the same opp
ortunities
as her hearing sister. She goes to
parties,
swimming lessons, Gymbobs (Tumb
letots),
dancing lessons, school trips. We
also
worked hard with our own families
to assist
Harriet in mixing, arranged sleepov
ers, trips
out, visits to the park, theatre, con
certs for
kids anywhere where Harriet could
meet and
mix with other children.”
Jane and Ged, parents of Harriet (ag
e 7)
group from
“My children went to deaf toddler
h the local
a young age and did activities wit
mix.”
NDCS branch which helped them
Rebecca, mother of Hannah and Ben
(aged 16 and 10)
“It was trial and error fin
ding the right activities
for Thomas to get involv
ed in. Boys’ Brigade
was good as there were
many sit down and
discuss activities. Swim
ming didn’t work as he
couldn’t understand ins
tructions without aids.
Football was also prob
lematic as when he ran
around condensation wo
uld form in hearing
aids. You just have to ke
ep trying until you find
something that works.”
Alison, mother of Thomas
(age 7)
“Encourage yo
ur child to have
friends who
are both heari
ng and hearin
g impaired as
will be best to
this
help them fit in
. With other
hearing impair
ed children he
kept in contac
via minicom a
t
nd now by mo
bile phone.”
Margarita, mot
her of Sean (a
ge 19)
21
Helping your child mix with others
Mixing with
deaf and
hearing
children
a
l unit within
ra
o
n
a
to
s
d
“Mahad goe
re are aroun
e
th
d
n
a
l
o
scho
e
mainstream
is school. H
h
in
n
re
ild
h
af c
f
55 to 60 de
with his dea
e
m
ti
is
h
f
o
us
st
ery conscio
spends mo
v
a
e
d
a
m
I have
ring
friends. But
ing with hea
ix
m
e
b
ld
u
n
e sho
. I have take
g
in
n
effort that h
in
g
e
b
the very
ring children
a
e
children from
h
t
a
th
s
and
e activitie
usic groups
him to all th
m
e
lik
,
to
o
ually g
nd
normally us
’s theatres a
n
re
ild
h
c
ther and
d
n
ps a
“I started taking Sam to a local mo
ied to make
tr
e
v
dance grou
a
h
I
e
s
re
at, becau
group and we went to that, and the
and
r
dle
g
tod
in
th
y
n
things like th
a
do
in
ence.
that he can
is nothing in the area where I live,
e his confid
him believe
v
ro
p
im
to
-school,
r
pre
orde
Lancashire, for deaf children - no
cure to be
e
s
d
n
everything in
a
fe
a
I had
h he feels s
no mother and toddler groups. But
at the same
t
u
b
So, althoug
,
n
re
ild
ld, through
ren
r deaf ch
heard from a mother of a deaf chi
hearing child
around othe
y
b
d
te
a
id
f
ot intim
fident that
NDCS, that there had been a dea
n
the
o
c
ls
e
time he is n
fe
e
e there
y
dults. And h
playgroup but it had stopped becaus
d everybod
n
a
y
or hearing a
d
o
b
y
n
the name of
go up to a
weren’t enough children. So I got
.”
he can just
m
e
th
h
it
) the Head of Service and I rang her up, and
nicate w
ahad (age 9
and commu
M
f
o
r
e
h
t
o
there
Zobia, m
she said ‘Yes it’s stopped because
“Well how
aren’t enough children’ and I said
that sign”
many do you need? I’ve got three
now sort
and they started it up again. So Sam
was tiny,
of splits his time, or did do when he
dler group
between the local mother and tod
sees other
and the deaf playgroup where he
ts and
children with hearing aids in, implan
and
children who sign. There is a real mix
y natural.”
that’s good for him and it feels ver
e 7)
Jane and Ged, parents of Harriet (ag
22
“One of the things that helps, I thin
k, is meeting
other deaf children. If they’re workin
g in a
group with other deaf children, where
they are
all equal, then they can have a better
part in
the group and they can build their
confidence
and independence as a person with
in that
group, a lot better than they can wh
ere they
are the only deaf child in a group of
hearing
people. So once again, I think it’s so
important
to meet deaf peers in whatever wa
y possible.”
Helen, mother of Patrick (age 10)
“We found tha
t he wasn’t be
ing invited to
birthday partie
s or anything
like that, so w
really made a
e
n effort to have
a birthday part
and invite nea
y
rly the whole
class, the boys
and the girls,
and then, afte
r we did that,
started getting
he
invited to one
or two. So the
the next year
n
we did a big p
arty again, an
now he is fully
d
accepted and
he gets invited
to the parties
even if they are
swimming
parties, where
obviously he c
an’t wear his
implant or anyt
hing.”
Neil and Debb
ie, parents of Jo
shua (age 8)
23
Helping your child mix with others
“When Katie was two and a half,
she
attended her first playgroup and she
was a
very frightened little girl, and she use
d to cry
when I used to leave for quite a lon
g time.
The playgroup staff learnt sign lan
guage and I
encouraged them to do that, and
so did
Katie’s teacher of the deaf, and the
y did and
they were very good and they sig
ned, got the
children to learn nursery rhymes,
made sure
that they were BSL signs that the
y were
using, and gradually her confidence
built. By
the time she went to nursery she
was very
happy there, but she was with all
hearing
children. I think it’s important for her
to be
with hearing children, but much mo
re
important to be with deaf children
and so she
goes to the deaf youth club. It is so
much
more relaxing for her because the
y all sign
and she doesn’t feel isolated at all.”
Judi, mother of Katie (age 7)
“A turning point for Conor is when
we
realised he needed to be with his
deaf peers,
so he went to boarding school. He
began to
develop firm friendships which he
had
struggled to do in an integrated set
ting.”
Tina, mother of Conor (age 21)
r
was around othe
am
Li
at
th
t
an
rt
po
“It was im
end
We had a Deaf fri
h.
rt
bi
m
fro
le
op
deaf pe
came his
childcare and be
d
di
,
at
-s
by
ba
who
him to a
other’. She took
ed
surrogate ‘grandm
ed and non-disabl
bl
sa
di
r
fo
p
ou
gr
local play
her deaf friends so
ot
ve
ha
so
al
I
n.
childre
.”
nd sign-language
ou
ar
n
te
of
as
w
Liam
am (age 16)
Anne, mother of Li
24
l
Genera
tips
“Asher went to a
language suppor
t group
from one to two
years old. Here he
was
mixing mostly with
other deaf childre
n. Then
onto mainstream
nursery where he
was
supported by a de
af adult. We belie
ve it is
very important to
always be in cont
act with
other deaf people
.”
Michael, father of
Asher (age 14)
r deaf
to be around othe
ild
ch
af
de
a
s
lp
“It he
in a
n be very isolated
ca
ey
Th
n.
re
ild
s
ch
have learnt that it’
e
W
t.
en
nm
ro
vi
hearing en
d
tion of hearing an
na
bi
m
co
a
ve
ha
best to
ssible.”
deaf friends, if po
had (age 9)
Zobia, mother of Ma
“Time with other
children on a oneto-one
basis helps with
the overall interact
ion in
larger group situat
ions.”
Neil and Samanth
a, parents of Beth
(age 5)
up I could
“Robert attended every toddler gro
ed with lots
lay my hands on so he has socialis
young an
of different people. Mixing from as
fidence.”
age as possible leads to greater con
Jane, mother of Robert (age 5)
to take
dn’t use LEA taxi
“We specifically di
was a
the end of school
as
,
ol
ho
sc
to
Joshua
By going
eet other parents.
m
d
ul
co
e
w
e
tim
rt of the
lf you become pa
into school yourse
lf
not isolate yourse
do
e;
in
ut
ro
nd
playgrou
ay, even
ild) by staying aw
ch
ur
yo
rn
tu
in
(and
You
from the school.
ce
an
st
di
a
e
liv
u
if yo
yourself!”
some friends for
might even make
ge 8)
rents of Joshua (a
Neil and Debbie, pa
25
Dealing with emotions
Emotionarl y
vocabula
It is important that your child can
communicate their emotions to you.
Barriers to communication often
prevent this taking place effectively.
Parents of deaf children stress the
importance of finding some way in
which to discuss emotions, even at
young ages. In this section our parents
suggest a variety of strategies,
including connecting with emotions
through stories and books; the using
facial expressions and gestures; and
making sure you include emotional
vocabulary when developing language.
26
is giving the child the
“The most important thing
lves emotionally. It
words to express themse
with the literal
helps enormously to deal
y deaf children have,
comprehension so man
rstand expressions and
where they do not unde
double meanings.”
(age 14)
Judith, mother of Jamie
“A lot of the focus with deaf kids
is on their
education and how well they’re spe
aking, or
not speaking, or signing, or not sig
ning. I
think sometimes the focus can be
taken off
the emotional health of the child and
that is
the most important part really. And
I think that
deaf kids go through a rough time
when they
realise that they’re deaf. It happen
s in early
teens, and can happen later in tee
ns as well,
when they suddenly realise they’re
deaf. I
think the important thing that we
found was
that we had a lot of key words in
place like
‘I’m upset’, ‘I’m sad’, ‘I’m happy’
, ‘I’m not
happy’, whatever. So we have wa
ys to
communicate his feelings and wh
at was
going on. You know, I think we can
get so
excited ‘oh, they said a word, the
y said two
words’ but, you know, if they’re mis
erable
what’s the point? So I really think
the focus
on emotions is extremely importa
nt.”
Tina, mother of Conor (age 21)
. We
to deal with
g
in
th
rd
a
h
as a
t her
“Emotion w
to talk abou
le
b
a
e
b
to
a
nie
ded to get
e
wanted Jen
e
n
e
w
ly
s
lots
obviou
So we used
feelings and
t.
a
th
o
d
to
over
vocabulary
of the whole
d
n
a
r
e
h
f
o
phs
and
of photogra
o sad faces
d
ld
u
o
w
e
would
w
family, and
nd Grandpa
a
y
n
n
ra
G
s, and
basic
happy face
ot over the
g
it
o
S
ll.
e
lise that
do it as w
uld then rea
o
c
ie
n
n
e
J
nd
you are
emotions a
nd laughing
a
g
n
ili
m
s
re
tions
when you a
ifferent situa
d
in
it
o
d
would
table. Real
happy. We
e
th
d
n
u
ro
,
a
just
take photos
ld
u
o
as well, not
w
e
w
e
we could
because sh
t
situations, if
a
th
d
e
lik
icularly
ple,
but she part
nd with peo
a
lf
e
rs
e
h
h
fy wit
her.”
could identi
it home for
t
h
g
u
ro
b
lly
e 11)
and that rea
of Jennie (ag
r
e
h
t
o
m
y,
d
Wen
“Used pictures, signs and picture boo
ks to try to
explain which emotions she was exp
ressing.
Reassurance and constant repetition
of relevant
words, actions and signs.”
Jane and Ged, parents of Harriet (ag
e 7)
ished
“When handling emotions we establ
himself,
basic keywords for him to express
to discuss
then gave him the space and time
ial
these feelings. We used a lot of fac
expressions to try and explain.”
Tina, mother of Conor (age 21)
“We started talking and signing abo
ut
emotions, again, very early in Sam
’s life.
Probably from sort of three month
s old, so if
we were looking at a story on a vid
eo or
signing a book I would introduce
emotion,
expressions. You know, ‘is the ted
dy bear
happy?’, ‘is the teddy bear sad?’.
Or you
know, ‘why is the teddy bear sad
?’. So Sam
now at least has a real range of em
otions and
emotion is part of his vocabulary,
and he will
try and experiment with his cross
voice and
his angry voice, and he will sign tha
t at the
same time. So, I really feel that he
can
express his emotions.”
Jane, mother of Sam (age 4)
27
Dealing with emotions
al
t
n
e
r
a
P
support
“We talk about
her day when
she gets home
how she feels
;
about it, what
happened etc.
have found we
I
need to focus
on specific eve
to talk about fe
nts
elings.”
Judi, mother of
Katie (age 7)
rs are
“Emotions around the teenage yea
to be the
most difficult to cope with. Trying
g’. Being
same as a peer group is a ‘big thin
onditionally
ready to listen and supporting unc
abeth if
has helped, but also respecting Eliz
”
she doesn’t want to share things.
Anne, mother of Elizabeth (age 17)
“Whilst being sens
itive to any distre
ss, do not
encourage self-pi
ty. Try to positivel
y ‘re-frame’
any difficulty with
a ‘can-do’ attitud
e.”
Rae, mother of Za
ch (age 14)
“We give our daughter lot of space,
. You
sympathise and talk things through
h your
should be supportive and agree wit
ll as
child to validate their feelings as we
child will
sharing your own feelings so your
follow your example.”
e 10)
Sally-Anne, mother of Bengi-Sue (ag
“Though emotio
nal distress is ra
re with our
daughter we tr
ied to pre-emp
t any distressin
situations, for e
g
xample, by alw
ays having spa
batteries for he
re
r hearing aids.
She relies on th
100% so havin
em
g them not fun
ctioning can ca
her great distre
use
ss and panic.”
Sue, mother of
Eirian (age 15)
“When Poppy became angry or ups
et, we
would try to help her reflect afterwa
rds. ‘Why
were you angry?’ ‘Are you still sad
?’.”
Emma and Phil, parents of Poppy (ag
e 6)
“Acknowledging his feelin
gs and letting him
d
te
c
a
tr
is
d
know that they are norm
d un
n
e
p
s
to
g
t
in
al
n
helps when he’s
th
a
“It is import
discuss any
to
em
r
oti
e
on
al.
th
Als
e
g
o
simply cuddles and tellin
me to
n you
g him
dedicated ti
r child. The
u
ho
o
w
y
m
uc
g
h
he
in
is
y
lov
rr
ed
o
.”
w
re
e
fo
b
e
y
ings b
that ma
to discuss th
e
c
n
Audrey, mother of Michae
a
h
c
e
have th
l (age 6)
sues.”
is
r
jo
a
m
)
e
8
m
e
g
o
c
(a
e
b
a
they
of Joshu
bie, parents
b
e
D
d
n
a
il
e
N
d
each other an
h
it
w
n
e
p
o
re
ua
as
“Make sure yo
u. Often she w
yo
f
o
ll
a
n
e
e
from
have trust betw
ld contact us
u
o
w
d
n
a
s
m
uss
having proble
we would disc
d
n
a
r
ve
re
e
h
ly. It is
school or w
out immediate
m
le
b
ro
p
e
th
and sort
ttle things up.”
o
b
to
t
o
n
t
n
a
import
Katie (age 25)
of
r
e
th
fa
r,
te
Pe
28
29
Dealing with emotions
ng
i
d
n
a
t
s
s
s
r
e
e
n
Unddeaf
et about his
“Thomas still sometimes gets ups
ldren ask
hearing aids, especially if other chi
other child
him about them. We simply tell the
so wears
that Thomas can’t hear very well
dy,
hearing aids, just like mummy, dad
ause they
grandma etc who wear glasses bec
a simple
can’t see very well. This has been
this issue as
and effective way of dealing with
ily who
everyone has someone in their fam
wears glasses.”
Alison, mother of Thomas (age 7)
“Show your child
pictures and book
s about
other deaf childre
n to help show th
at
they are
not ‘the only one’
.”
Alison, mother of T
homas (age 7)
30
“At times over the years
, Conor has been very
upset about his deafnes
s. I think it is important
for parents to allow these
feelings without getting
caught in trying to ‘fix it’
or indeed make
compensations.”
Tina, mother of Conor (a
ge 21)
“It’s a very difficult time for the family when
you find out that your child is deaf. There are
various emotional and practical problems that
you have to deal with, but from Mahad’s
experience we have learnt that the sooner
you accept the problem, the earlier you can
do something about it, and the better you
can deal with the situation. I remember when
Mahad was diagnosed, we were in Pakistan
and I remember that I didn’t like to take him
with his hearing aids to social gatherings
because people would ask me what he was
wearing and why he was wearing it. I found it
very, very difficult to deal with that situation,
but luckily we soon realised that as soon as
we had overcome that fear of the problem,
the better we would be able to deal with it.
So we started soon to tell people that these
are his hearing aids and I used to take him
everywhere with his hearing aids, and I used
to take him anywhere and everywhere and
we have come a very long way. Now Mahad
is so proud of his cochlear implant himself,
that he likes to change the colours of his
cochlear implant every day and show it off
with various stickers, gluing things on them
and he himself goes and tells people what it
is and why he is wearing it. He’s not
ashamed of it at all. We have accepted that
he is deaf and he’s different, that’s all, he’s no
less than any other child, he’s just different.”
Zobia, mother of Mahad (age 9)
Deaf nd
adults aen
childr
“One of the things that helps is meeting other
deaf children. If they’re working in a group with
other deaf children, where they are all equal,
then they can have a better part in the group
and they can build their confidence and
independence as a person within that group,
a lot better than they can where they are the
only deaf child in a group of hearing people.
Another piece of advice we were given shortly
after Aaron was diagnosed was if you are
prepared to let them be deaf then there is a
whole world out there for them and that is
certainly true. We have met a number of deaf
people. We have gone out of our way to meet
deaf people in different situations. And yes,
there are deaf doctors, there are deaf
hairdressers, there’s you name it and there
is somebody deaf doing that job. There is a
whole world out there for them and they are
not going to be left behind. Deaf people grow
up, they get married, they have houses, they
drive cars, have mortgages, exactly the same
as anyone else and being deaf doesn’t stop
them from doing that. If they are deaf, the
only thing they can’t do is hear, at the end
of the day.”
Paul and Tina, parents of Aaron (age 7)
31
Managing frustration
n
o
i
t
ica
n
u
m
Com
Some deaf children experience high
levels of frustration, which may be
related to a lack of communication
and information, anger at being seen
as different or not being able to express
emotions. There are also the usual
frustrations experienced by all children,
particularly in the teenage years. In this
section parents share their experiences,
explaining why their children became
frustrated and the steps they took to
manage their frustration.
ation
i
t
o
g
e
N
and ions
s
discus
he doesn’t understand
“He gets frustrated when
t
s. For example, he is no
why he cannot do thing
eet as he can’t hear
allowed to play on the str
coming from. The only
which direction cars are
let him know where he
thing to do is negotiate;
can play safely.”
(age 7)
Alison, mother of Thomas
“We had a time-chart that enable
d us to
negotiate and explain what needed
to be
done by when. We found this avo
ided
unnecessary frustration when the
time came
to do something.”
Wendy, mother of Jennie (age 11)
32
you can playing games
“Spend as much time as
communication, but
as not only can this help
as patience, fair play,
can also teach traits such
turn, which may
sharing and waiting your
future.”
alleviate frustration in the
w (age 11)
Jane, mother of Matthe
“Our daughter gets annoyed when
hearing
aids interfere; especially at school
. We
encourage her to be open and hon
est and
say when hearing aids are an issu
e rather
than just ‘making do’.”
Sally-Anne, mother of Bengi-Sue (ag
e 10)
nship,
close relatio
a
in
n
e
v
e
ant,
ary,
“It is import
hen necess
w
d
n
u
ro
g
r
uld
u
conflict sho
to stand yo
le
ib
s
s
o
p
r
eneve
a good
although wh
to maintain
s
a
o
s
,
tiate
d
e
be avoid
tter to nego
e
b
s
y
a
lw
a
. It’s
relationship
16)
than argue.”
f Alex (age
o
r
e
h
t
o
m
,
Tricia
“One of the issues we found in Jes
sica
getting frustrated is when she mis
interprets
what we say. If we’re not careful,
the
expressions on our face show wh
at we’re
talking about. If we don’t get that
right she
can get really frustrated, so for exa
mple, we
could say ‘we’re angry with you Jes
sica’ or
we could shout at her and it doesn’
t look as
if we’re angry or, conversely, we mig
ht not be
shouting at her and we might be
angry. What
we always do is to preface whate
ver we’re
feeling with what we are feeling, so
for
example, we might say ‘Jessica, we
’re angry
because of this’ or ‘Jessica, we’re
really
happy with you because of this’ and
we find
that this tends to reduce her frustrat
ion, or at
least she can understand where we
’re
coming from.”
Denise, mother of Jessica (age 10)
n. If she
racts frustratio
te
n
u
o
c
n
tio
a
ic
er down,
“Commun
ld try to calm h
u
o
w
I
t
se
p
u
at I
got very
n and stop wh
tio
a
tu
si
e
th
m
time.”
remove her fro
bout giving her
a
ll
a
lly
a
re
is
It
ge 5)
was doing.
nts of Beth (a
re
pa
,
a
h
nt
a
m
Neil and Sa
“As parents we try to stay calm and
walk
away from the situation, telling him
we won’t
cuddle or communicate with him
until he has
calmed down. Then we ask him que
stions
about his frustration and how he
would like to
behave and be treated.”
Audrey, mother of Michael (age 6)
33
Managing frustration
tion
a
r
a
p
Pre
and ntion
preve
“When Conor was frustrated we fou
nd it
important to acknowledge this. If
he had a
tantrum in public, we would remove
him from
the situation and let his tantrum run
out. It
took a lot of time to work out what
had failed
and why he was frustrated, either
he or I
would draw pictures to try and exp
lain.”
Tina, mother of Conor (age 21)
“To pacify fr
ustration on
e must be a
and commu
s patient
nicative as
possible an
‘talk things
d
always
through’ if p
ossible. Dea
not an excu
fn
ess is
se for bad b
ehaviour so
punish him
we would
as with a he
aring child,
discuss the
then
problem at
a later date
calm. This c
w
hen
an be difficu
lt with minim
language b
a
l
ut does get
easier and p
ay off.”
Trish, mothe
r of Alex (ag
e 13)
34
whether
“All children suffer from frustration
they are deaf or hearing. One of the
frustration.
disadvantages deafness causes is
nication
This can be due to lack of commu
ere you
and it’s eliminating that, which is wh
type of
can get a language no matter what
guage as
language even if it’s only a family lan
uce
early as possible then that helps red
n you know
communication frustration. So the
ion is due
when they get older, that the frustrat
haven’t
to their age not the fact that they
trying to
actually understood what you are
of the
convey to them or vice versa. One
en Aaron
pieces of advice we were given wh
a
was first diagnosed was to get him
sn’t
language as soon as possible. It doe
or a
matter whether it’s spoken or signed
even have
hybrid between the two. You don’t
got
to use proper BSL signs. If you’ve
can
something that you and your child
municate,
understand that enables you to com
ate the
and as soon as you can communic
lly. I think
frustration tails off, quite dramatica
ation.”
the key to frustration is communic
e 7)
Paul and Tina, parents of Aaron (ag
“Sean had problems vis
iting large, busy places
and would become aggr
essive and upset. At
first I would take him to
a large supermarket and
only buy a few items, the
n gradually built it up to
a full shop. Try to involve
the child in what you
are doing, for example,
with small children give
them pictures of what yo
u need and ask them
to find it; with older child
ren let them decide and
find what they would like
to eat.”
Jacqueline, mother of Se
an (age 8)
daughter
and do for our
y
tr
e
w
g
in
th
ay
“The main
hatever she m
w
r
fo
e
c
n
va
d
in a
in
is prepare her
been invaluable
s
a
h
h
c
a
ro
p
p
a
in trying
be doing. This
at are new and
th
s
n
tio
a
tu
si
.
dealing with
efore they arise
b
s
m
le
b
ro
p
te
to anticipa
everything.”
(age 5)
Preparation is
parents of Beth
,
a
h
nt
a
m
a
S
Neil and
“With Amy’s disabilities, frustration
is quite a
big thing of her trying to communic
ate to you
what it is she actually wants. So wh
at we try
and do is keep our facial expressio
n the
same and not to raise our voice or
look
angry, because if we lose our tem
per and she
loses her temper she won’t get wh
at she
wants so it’s been a waste of time.
Also
there are times when the process
of
elimination may take a little bit lon
ger. For
example, we may put her to bed
at night and
she’s restless and we can’t think
why, and it
will be something simple like we’ve
left one
hearing aid in. We’ve gone outsid
e the
bedroom, realised we’ve only got
one in our
hand because we always take the
m out last
thing at night and have to go bac
k in again,
take the other one out and she’s
fine. It’s just
a simple thing.”
Michael, father of Amy
35
Managing frustration
d. I
ild was very frustrate
ch
r
ou
g,
un
yo
n
he
“W
dler Taming’ by
found the book ‘Tod
valuable. It is an
Christopher Green in
e
and very practical. W
extremely funny book
niques on Simon as
used many of its tech
g children.”
well as on our hearin
n (age 14)
Kath, mother of Simo
tion
Distradc
an
cy
n
e
t
s
i
s
n
co
“When Poppy was frustrated or ang
ry, one of
the things we found worked quite
well was
distracting her from the situation,
for
example, offering drinks or snacks
, playing
silly games, pointing something else
out.
Occasionally we resorted to countin
g 1, 2, 3,
which seemed to calm her.”
Emma and Phil, parents of Poppy (ag
e 6)
“When managing
frustration, I find
the best
method is to dist
ract my son from
what is
frustrating him an
d engage him in
another
activity.”
Susan, mother of
Ryan
(age 8)
ess herself, but she
“Allowed Harriet to expr
ms, mostly around
had some terrible tantru
s. Sometimes we just
communication problem
staying around to
let her burn herself out,
fe, trying very hard to
make sure she was sa
g. After a tantrum we
be calm and reassurin
ion and hugs. It is
would give lots of attent
ur guns if you’ve said
important to stick to yo
compromise or
‘no’ but try to reach a
nally give in alternative. Very occasio
be somewhere!”
especially if you have to
of Harriet (age 7)
Jane and Ged, parents
we
house so when
e
th
in
s
n
o
llo
a
ld stop
“I always had b
ctivity, we wou
a
n
a
g
rin
u
d
d
k to where
got frustrate
ht then go bac
fig
n
o
llo
a
b
a
and have
ge 8)
we were.”
her of Sean (a
Jacqueline, mot
36
“Go for a walk so
mewhere quiet w
hen
frustrations arise,
so that no comm
unication
is necessary.”
Allyson, mother of
Connor
bad
help to deal with
ra
xt
e
f
o
ts
lo
“Needed
The key is
lt of frustration.
su
re
a
s
a
r
u
of
o
behavi
d lots and lots
n
a
se
n
o
sp
re
f
n be tiring
consistency o
viour which ca
a
h
e
b
d
o
o
g
r
attention fo
but worth it.”
Oliver (age 6)
Carol, mother of
“Consistency betw
een carers is the
key to
reducing frustratio
n, and instilling ca
lmness!”
Jane and Ged, pa
rents of Harriet (a
ge 7)
(age 15)
37
Managing frustration
ut
Time o wards
and re
“If Poppy got frust
rated, or had a ta
ntrum, we
would try to find
some space for he
r, away
from other people
’s attention, to ca
lm
down
at her own pace.”
Emma and Phil, pa
rents of Poppy (age
6)
erable
nced consid
e
ri
e
. We
p
x
e
s
a
ks, pinches
ic
“Faye h
k
,
s
e
it
b
,
She hits
ok of
frustration.
memade bo
o
h
a
d
e
c
u
urs to
have introd
ese behavio
th
g
in
w
timer
o
h
s
pictures
e also use a
W
.
is
th
o
d
ee
t to
o she can s
s
highlight no
ir
a
h
c
a
n
or
it Faye o
until it rings
clock; we s
it
s
to
s
a
h
d she
sign the
the clock an
s to say or
a
h
e
h
s
n
e
Th
reaches ‘0’.
’.”
7 and 4)
word ‘sorry
Faye (aged
d
n
a
n
le
e
H
r of
Dina, mothe
“We have a star ch
art at home to re
ward her
good behaviour an
d the threat of no
t having
a star generally st
ops her in her trac
ks if she’s
about to throw a
tantrum! After co
llecting the
stars she is allow
ed to choose a tre
at, for
example, a new ga
me, book, trip to
the
cinema or a McD
onald’s.”
Wendy, mother of
Jennie (age 11)
38
“Do not let the child dic
tate to you but don’t
turn it the other way ar
ound and make the
situation more difficult.
Learn to compromise;
let them know you are
the adult but not the
‘boss’.”
Jacqueline, mother of Se
an (age
8)
Hearings
aid
we discovered that
“One of the things that
strated, probably the
makes her incredibly fru
aids do break down,
only thing, is when the
bcause you tend not to
or there is a problem,
aring aids, although I
be issued with spare he
is issued. So we
do hang on to whatever
r those feelings of
have to learn to allow he
r and not introduce too
frustration, comfort he
and alternatives to try,
many different options
gravate the situation.
because that will just ag
is always something
And reflective listening
e so that she knows
that is really useful to us
ging the stress that
that we are acknowled
she’s going through”
ged 11)
Helen, mother of Zoe (a
“One of the things we did when Ma
tthew was
first diagnosed, and he really didn’t
like the feel
of his hearing aids being put in. Dis
traction was
a method that we used, quite well
probably.
One of the things we did was put him
in his
swing, which he loved, and then pus
h him, and
as he was swinging gently we would
put one
hearing aid in and keep pushing the
swing so
he was hanging on to the swing and
didn’t
have hands free to fiddle with his hea
ring aids,
or pull them out or throw them. Tha
t worked
quite well because he was distracted
. And
another thing we did was for indoor
distraction,
was put cut-up Dolly mixtures, so he
didn’t
have enormous amounts of sweets
, but a few
cut-up dolly mixtures in a little screw
-top jar so
that he had to concentrate on unscre
wing the
jar to get to the sweets. By which tim
e we’d
managed to get the hearing aids in,
and as you
get more adept at getting the hearing
aids in
yourself, it becomes a much quicke
r process
and as long as he was distracted he
didn’t
seem to mind too much.”
Jane, mother of Matthew (age 11)
39
Raising confidence
Many parents of deaf children say that
it is important to resist the urge to be
overprotective. Deaf children need to
develop their independence in the same
ways hearing children do. Success in
different activities will increase your
child’s self-esteem and confidence.
A confident child is a happy child. In
this section parent’s talk about the
variety of ways in which they made
sure their child built up confidence
and developed independence.
“One thing we tried to do
to make sure of
was giving her the indep
endence and the
confidence, and not to us
e her deafness as
an excuse but treat it as
somebody who wears
glasses will treat that iss
ue. And she’s always
seems to have been very
confident and has
never found wearing her
hair in a ponytail and
exposing her hearing aid
as a problem. In fact,
to the extent when she
got her waterproof
hearing aids and she ha
d brightly coloured ones
,
and a young child at scho
ol said to her, ‘What
are those in your ears?’
and she said ‘A fashion
accessory!’”
Sue, mother of Eirian (a
ge
15)
extra“We encourage her to take part in
g,
curricular activities such as dancin
become
swimming, Brownies and she has
fident as
more independent and socially con
in and
time has gone on. She loves joining
and we
taking part in whatever is going on
.”
encourage this as much as we can
Wendy, mother of Jennie (age 11)
“I encouraged him
to join as many cl
ubs as
possible: hockey,
football, rugby, cr
icket,
swimming, dram
a, Boys’ Brigade
an
d now
he’s learning the
trumpet. All these
were with
hearing people. H
is confidence and
independence ar
e good as a resu
lt and he
goes into shops
and cafes and as
ks for
things himself.”
Ceiri, mother of Ma
rk (age 10)
Clubs d
an
sports
were
sporting activities that
se
oo
ch
to
d
trie
we
e,
nc
sports so we
“To build Josh’s confide
at he can’t do contact
th
d
se
ali
re
e
W
.
nt
pla
fell in love with
most suited to his im
an early age, in case he
m
fro
e
os
th
e
ag
ur
is,
co
didn’t want to en
contact sports like tenn
nno
e
os
ch
we
,
So
.
rry on
quite a
them and wanted to ca
ual thing. He has got to
vis
a
ite
qu
it’s
r:
he
ac
te
e
is good at,
where he can watch th
ing him in things that he
ag
ur
co
en
t
jus
So
w.
good level on that no
able to do in the future.”
be
ll
wi
he
at
th
w
no
s
do thing
and trying to get him to
s of Joshua (age 8)
Neil and Debbie, parent
40
41
Raising confidence
children
“I would advise parents to give their
p their
every opportunity possible to develo
e sort of
physical abilities and to give them som
d for their
physical challenge. It is very, very goo
ir social
co-ordination, also very good for the
other
skills. They learn lots of things about
lities are.
people, as well as what their own abi
Matthew
Swimming, I think, is very important.
nths old.
was swimming when he was six mo
n, because
Especially important for deaf childre
ter they
if ever they do get into trouble in wa
cuers that
don’t have the hearing cues from res
is important
hearing children would have. So it
out of water
that they can make their own way
a fantastic
or into safety themselves. Also, it is
ter. So I
sport, they can always join in in wa
good
would suggest you look for a really
ck out the
swimming club, make sure you che
is very
instructor, make sure that he or she
probably not
visual, very clear. Deaf children are
pools
at a great disadvantage at swimming
poor
because the acoustics are usually so
look for a
anyway, but it is important that you
make the
really good teacher who is willing to
r.”
extra effort to make instructions clea
Jane, mother of Matthew (age 11)
l
Approva
ise
and pra
“The best thing a
parent can do is be
lieve in
themselves and th
eir deaf child, and
remember
they know their ch
ild better than anyo
ne.”
Nicola, mother of
Ruaridh and Erika
(ages 13 and 11)
from minor
from feeling good
“Confidence came
d
were recognised an
successes which
ts.”
celebrated by adul
sef (age 22)
David, father of Jo
courage confidence.
“Give lots of praise to en
ortive of things they are
Encourage and be supp
vironments where they
good at. Actively seek en
is less of a barrier.”
can shine and language
ge 13)
Trish, mother of Alex (a
nt
gether is paramou
to
e
tim
ity
al
qu
g
“Spendin
sitive
ilding. Lots of po
to confidence bu
t
cially when it’s no
pe
es
t
en
em
ag
ur
enco
expected.”
Michael (age 6)
Audrey, mother of
“Give as much praise as possible
for what
they are good at.”
Jill, mother of Amy (age 7)
“In building
confidence
it is importa
recognise y
nt you
our child’s p
ositive skills
was good a
.
Our son
t golf and n
ow plays fo
r Ireland.”
Tina, mothe
r of Conor (a
ge 21)
urage
m an early stage to enco
fro
es
us
ho
s’
nd
frie
to
go
effort in
“We have allowed him to
We have also put a lot of
.
ills
sk
l
cia
so
his
e
ov
pr
nce”
independence and to im
has boosted his confide
ich
wh
e
us
ho
r
ou
to
d
un
(age 6)
inviting his friends ro
Jenette, ,other of Fintan
42
43
Raising confidence
g
Lettin en speak
childr o) for
(and delves
thems
r her to talk
s felt it important fo
s.
ay
e
w
al
lv
e
ve
s
ha
“I
m
e
p for th
ck from ever
to speak u
and I have held ba
to
ts
ul
ild
s
ad
h
a
c
to
w
a
t
n
e
, on her
a
“Encourag
ns posed by adults
und import
tio
it
fo
es
r
qu
e
e
g
w
in
th
er
e
s
h
sw
g
an
thin
ople w
r
One of the
this will develop he
to other pe
el
fe
lk
I
ta
As
t
lf.
a
to
ha
d
be
o
im
h
confidence further.”
his own fo
d
r
an
e
encourage
e
dg
rd
le
o
ow
,
kn
,
ry
language
he
ps, libra
(age 15)
things that
was in sho
a
tr
x
e
e, mother of Eirian
r
Su
fo
h
k
it
s
w
a
t
,
n
’s
e
e confid
McDonald
s
he becam
t
a
th
. We alway
o
le
s
p
,
o
d
e
p
te
t
n
a
n
w
iffere
f.
ll sorts of d
e was dea
h
t
a
th
in
talking to a
la
xp
me
“Don’t stop doing
d him to e
y ‘Excuse
a
s
things or going pl
to
encourage
im
I
h
t
a
e
g
th
aces
ra
o
u
s
o
be
t
c
n
ca
n
o
us
e
fr
e
yo
ld
e
u are worried how
th
to
e
We wou
m
o
c
yo
I
ur
child or
tastic
other people will re
lease can
le were fan
act. Ignore people
p
o
I’m deaf, p
e
p
t
e
s
th
o
t
who look
and stare and try
ed tha
d’ and m
to encourage your
quite pleas
can lip-rea
lly
a
d
n
tu
a
c
a
lt
ch
u
e
ild to
relax and enjoy th
e ad
hey’r
emselves.”
ther than th
with that. T
ra
t
u
k
o
in
it
th
I
d
,
ointe
arning
Jacqueline, mothe
child has p
word of w
e
n
O
.
g
r of Sean (age 8)
c
in
ti
y
e
a
th
s
a
in
p
t
m
n
y
fide
n
o
very s
c
e
it
u
t’
q
n
the fro
ecame
Matthew b
n I come to
a
c
f,
a
e
d
the
e I’m
ids out of
k
r
e
th
‘Excuse m
o
g
f,
en musclin
e was dea
h
d
n
a
l
ia
c
and was th
spe
n
se he was
ther childre
o
t
a
th
t
way becau
n
a
rt
e
that’s impo
put up if th
s
k
c
a
and I think
b
ir
e
eir
will have th
much to th
o
very often
to
s
p
a
ere
g it, perh
bit older th
e
tl
lit
a
t
child is usin
e
yg
e
. So as the
this must b
w
o
n
k
advantage
u
o
say ‘Yes, y
is a need to
11)
priately’.”
tthew (age
a
M
used appro
f
o
r
e
h
Jane, mot
44
ion
t
a
r
a
p
e
Pr
and l
a
rehears
“Discuss str
ategies on h
ow to deal
things befo
with
re situations
a
rise; for exa
‘What are y
mple,
ou going to
do when pe
at you?’ Pre
ople stare
paration is th
e key.”
Sally-Anne, m
other of Ben
gi-Sue (age
10)
“When I dro
pped Joshu
a off at nurs
wouldn’t kn
ery he
ow that I wa
s coming ba
pick him up
ck to
later, so to h
elp him sett
nursery use
le the
d photograp
hs of me. Th
show him th
ey would
e photograp
h and tell him
‘Mummy will
be back late
r’. Nearer th
time, they w
e home
ould show h
im
the photogra
say that in fi
ph to
ve minutes
I’d be pickin
and I think th
g him up,
at used to g
ive him the
reassurance
. He seeme
d settled wh
showed him
en they
my photogra
ph and we u
do that at fr
sed to
iends’ hous
es too.”
Amanda, mot
her of Joshua
(age 6)
me so they know
”Rehearse situations at ho
then they can gain
what to expect outside,
re quickly.”
more independence mo
14)
Rae, mother of Zach (age
45
Your Feelings
Further information
Your ngs
feeli
“It is also important as
a parent to be confident
yourselves despite what
you may be feeling as
this will have an effect on
your child.”
Tina, mother of Conor (a
ge 21)
for family
quite difficult
it
d
n
u
fo
ve
a
ight
“We h
stopher overn
ri
h
C
e
k
ta
to
and
and friends
e persevered
w
t
u
b
,
s
d
n
e
k
im a few
or at wee
ther to take h
o
m
y
m
d
e
g
nce
encoura
p her confide
u
ilt
u
b
d
n
a
e
nal
hours at a tim
aving occasio
H
.
e
n
lo
a
im
h
ed us
in caring for
ildren has help
h
c
e
th
t
u
o
h
it
time out w
r”
to cope bette
(aged 15)
of Christopher
r
e
th
fa
,
on
im
S
46
af
tective of a de
ro
rp
ve
o
e
b
ourage
“We tend to
portant to enc
im
ry
ve
is
it
k
ence.
child. I thin
w of independ
o
h
s
y
n
a
rt
o
p
and sup
: going to the
ys
a
w
ll
a
m
s
in
on
Conor started
d using trains
n
a
e
tr
n
e
c
g
in
local shopp
y trips
was after man
his own. This
elf, where
is dad or mys
h
y
b
d
ie
n
a
p
d
accom
n, dangers an
o
ti
a
rm
fo
in
t
u
we pointed o
the journey.”
involved him in
Conor (age 21)
Tina, mother of
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