LIVING WELL
WITH GRIEF
Issue one 2015 | leukaemiaqld.org.au | QUEENSLAND
Grief, loss and
loneliness
One of the most painful aspects
of the grieving process can be
loneliness. We expect to be sad,
but the feeling of loneliness has
its own and subtly different kind
of pain. It can be unsettling and
scary. What you need to know is
that you are not alone in feeling
these feelings. I hope that just knowing that will
help you to feel a little less lonely.
It makes perfect sense to feel lonely
at times. The one who you loved
so much and the one who loved
you so much is gone. It is an awful
feeling. You yearn for him. You want
her back. You miss him. You need
her. And he is not there. She is not
there. It’s not fair, it’s wrong, and
yet it’s the truth you are living. This
is normal and natural. It comes with
the territory. You will be lonely for
the person you lost.
Loneliness is part of your journey.
But there is another kind of
loneliness that no one really talks
about. I call it ‘insidious loneliness’. Insidious loneliness is the kind of
loneliness that makes you feel like
you are alone in the world. It’s the
sensation of walking through your
life, within your life and around your
life without actually being part of
your life. It’s the odd experience
of seeing people laughing and
thinking, ‘How can they be happy? Don’t they know that my _____ is
gone?’
Other people don’t even have to
be laughing or smiling for you to
experience this confusion. They
could just be living their lives. But
you’re not. You’re disconnected
from them and disconnected even
from your own feeling of being
engaged in life.
Insidious loneliness is slowly and
subtly harmful and doesn’t serve
any good purpose…for you, for your
grieving process, or for anyone
else.
Insidious loneliness occurs because
we think (it may or may not be true)
that no one really gets how much
we are suffering. Most women I
know are pleasers – we like making
other people happy. While we
are grieving, we sometimes look
and act like we’re fine. We do this
without trying or sometimes we
know we’re hurting and we put on
the happy face. Some may even
comment about how well we’re
handling our loss. We may even
smile and agree, but inside we
know the truth. It hurts and it’s
awful. We do this for a few reasons see if any of these sound familiar:
‘I don’t want to bring anybody
down.’
‘I don’t want to talk about this grief
stuff again.’
‘So and so can’t handle my pain.’
‘They think I’m fine, why burden
them.’
‘They don’t want me to mention
________’s name.’
‘I need to be strong for my family.’
‘Nobody wants to hear about this
any more.’
‘It’s _________ (insert holiday/
family get-together or supposed to
be fun activity) and it’s not right to
be sad.’
Continued on page 2 ⊲
1
A message from
the editor
THE MAKING OF BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
‘The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known
defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their
way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness,
and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.’
- Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
When I read this quote my mind
wandered to all the beautiful people
I have had the privilege of meeting
while working for the Leukaemia
Foundation of Queensland. They
have certainly known suffering,
struggle, loss and at times felt
defeated by their loss, but they
have all shared how they have
grown. This can be a small step for
some, as small as being able to pick
up a ringing phone to say hello or a
larger step like going on a holiday
without their loved one.
Grief changes the very fabric of who
you are and at times the person
you were doesn’t seem to exist
anymore. But as time goes on you
will experience growth and a new
‘I simply don’t have time for being
so sad!’
‘So and so is handling this so well
and I’m a mess. I need to buck up.’
‘If I talk about it, they’ll want to fix it
or say well meaning, but very stupid
things that don’t help.’
The thing that seems to help the
most with insidious loneliness is
telling your truth to someone. I’m
talking about the real truth about
what is actually going on with your
grieving process.
Find one fabulous, kind,
loving, nonjudgmental, smart,
understanding person and tell that
person your truth. Find someone
who knows you and who accepts
you for the wonderful person that
you are. Tell them how lonely you
feel. Tell them how disconnected
2
way of viewing the world. Grief is
a teacher - loss helps us to grow
in courage, wisdom and to learn to
appreciate the loneliness of others.
It is a hard way to learn, and we may
not like how it can be a frightening
and lonely experience when we
choose to love a person that we
must let go when their life ends.
Recently our Grief Brunch held
in Brisbane looked at loneliness.
Those present shared experiences
and felt a sense of acceptance and
belonging. These grief brunches
allow people to ‘be’ wherever
they are in this walk of grief….
no judgments. One lady shared
how this was ‘my warm comfort
place where I am accepted and
understood’.
Shirley Cunningham
I hope others also know they can
ring, email, visit and find their warm
comfort place with the Leukaemia
Foundation of Queensland. I will
be visiting Mackay, Hervey Bay,
Tablelands, Cairns and Townsville in
the first half of the year doing Grief
Brunches and visiting people who
would like to have a chat with me.
An invitation will be sent before I
come and I look forward very much
to seeing some of you there.
Shirley Cunningham
Grief Support Services Manager
you feel. Tell them how lost you feel.
Don’t assume they already know.
Chances are you’re probably doing
a good job hiding it.
If you don’t feel like there is anyone
else in your life that you can
safely tell these things to, or if you
don’t want to burden them, then
think about finding a professional
grief counsellor. Most of them
understand the loneliness you
are feeling and can help you work
through it.
Having at least one person on the
planet that knows – that really
knows – what you’re going through
can relieve you of your insidious
loneliness.
Elizabeth Kupferman
Author of Grief, Loss and Insidious
Loneliness
Grief never ends
But it changes.
It’s a passage,
not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign
of weakness, nor
a lack of faith...
It is the price of
love.
Author unknown
Grieving parent’s
bill of rights
1.
You have the right to experience your own
unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way
as you do. Don’t allow others to tell you what
you should or should not be feeling.
2.
You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek
out others who will allow you to talk as much as
you want, as often as you want, about your grief.
3.
You have the right to feel a multitude of
emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief
are just a few of the emotions you might feel as
part of your grief journey. Know that there is no
such thing as a ‘wrong’ emotion. Accept all your
feelings and find listeners who will do the same.
4.
5.
6.
7.
You have a right to be tolerant of your physical
and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably
leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your
body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat
balanced meals. Don’t allow others to push you
to what you don’t feel ready for.
You have the right to experience grief ‘attacks’.
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of
grief may overcome you. This can be frightening,
but is normal and natural. Find someone who
understands and will let you talk it out.
You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual provides you with the
support of caring people. More importantly, it
supportively sees you off on your painful but
necessary grief journey. Later rituals, such as
lighting a candle for the person who died, can
also be healing. If others tell you rituals such as
these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways
that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to
be around people who understand and support
your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God,
find someone to talk with who won’t be critical
of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8.
You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, ‘Why did he or
she die? Why now?’ Some of your questions
may have answers, but some may not. Watch
out for the clichéd responses some people may
give you. Comments like ‘It was God’s will’ or
‘Think what you have to be thankful for’ are not
helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9.
You have a right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that
exist after the death of someone loved. You
will always remember. Instead of ignoring
memories, think of creative ways to embrace
them.
have the right to move towards your grief
10. You
and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.
Remember, grief is a process, not an event.
Be patient and tolerant with yourself and
avoid people who are impatient and intolerant
with you. Neither you nor those around you
must forget that the death of someone loved
changes your life forever.
If you have lost a child of any age please consider
attending our
Grief brunch for bereaved parents, Saturday 20
June 2015, 9.00am
Bereaved Parents’ Weekend, 28-30 August 2015
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For more information call the Leukaemia Foundation
of Queensland on 07 3055 8233.
3
How to help
a grieving
teen
What is it like for teenagers when
someone close to them dies? How
do they respond to the death of
a parent, a sibling, a relative or a
friend?
In our work with teenagers,
we’ve learned that teens respond
better to adults who choose to be
companions on the grief journey
rather than direct it. We have also
discovered that adult companions
need to be aware of their own grief
issues and journeys because their
experiences and beliefs impact the
way they relate to teens.
Here are six principles relating to
grieving teenagers:
1. Grieving is the teen’s natural
reaction to a death. Grief is a
natural reaction to death and other
losses. However, grieving does
not feel natural because it may be
difficult to control the emotions,
thoughts or physical feelings
associated with a death. The sense
of being out of control that is often
a part of grief may overwhelm or
frighten some teens. Grieving is
normal and healthy, yet may be an
experience teens resist and reject.
Helping teens accept the reality that
they are grievers allows them to do
their grief work and to progress in
their grief journey.
2. Each teen’s grieving experience
is unique. Grieving is a different
experience for each person. Teens
grieve for different lengths of time
and express a wide spectrum of
emotions. Grief is best understood
as a process in which bodily
sensations, emotions, thoughts and
behaviours surface in response to
the death, its circumstances, the
past relationship with the deceased,
and the realisation of the future
without the person. For example,
sadness and crying may be an
expression of grief for one teen,
while another may respond with
humour and laughter.
4
‘I hate it when people think I
should be grieving according to
the ‘stages’ described in some
high-school health book. Since my
sister’s death I’ve learned that grief
isn’t five simple stages.’ Kimberly, 17
No book or grief therapist
can predict or prescribe
exactly what a teen will or
should go through on the
grief journey.
While many theories and models
of the grieving process provide a
helpful framework, the path itself is
an individual one, and often lonely.
No book or grief therapist can
predict or prescribe exactly what
a teen will or should go through
on the grief journey. Adults can
best assist grieving teenagers
by accompanying them on their
journey in the role of listener and
learner, and by allowing the teen to
function as a teacher.
3. There are no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’
ways to grieve. Sometimes adults
express strong opinions about
‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve. But
there is no correct way to grieve.
Coping with a death does not follow
a simple pattern or set of rules, nor
is it a course to be evaluated or
graded.
There are, however, ‘helpful’ and
‘unhelpful’ choices and behaviours
associated with the grieving
process. Some behaviours are
constructive and encourage facing
grief, such as talking with trusted
friends, journaling, creating art,
and expressing emotion rather
than holding it inside. Other grief
responses are destructive and may
cause long-term complications and
consequences. For example, some
teens attempt to escape their pain
through many of the same escape
routes adults choose: alcohol and
substance abuse, reckless sexual
activity, antisocial behaviours,
withdrawal from social activities,
excessive sleeping, high risk-taking
behaviours, and other methods that
temporarily numb the pain of their
loss.
‘My friend went crazy into drugs,
sex and skipping school after her
boyfriend got killed in a skiing
accident. She stopped talking about
him. Now she’s kicked out of school
and is pregnant by a guy she hates.
Since my boyfriend’s car accident,
I know what can happen if I make
wrong choices like her.’ Sara, 18
»» The teen’s level of involvement
4. Every death is unique and is
experienced differently. The way
teens grieve differs according
to personality and the particular
relationship they had with the
deceased. They typically react in
different ways to the death of a
parent, sibling, grandparent, child
or friend. For many teens, peer
relationships are primary. The
death or loss of a boyfriend or
girlfriend may seem to affect them
more than the death of a sibling or
grandparent.
generate a great deal of tension
and misunderstanding within the
already stressed family. Each
person’s response to death should
be honoured as his or her way of
coping in that moment. Keep in
mind that responses may change
from day to day or even from hour
to hour.
‘Expect the unexpected. Emily
actually danced and sang after I
told her that her mother died. I was
shocked. Later I realised the relief
we both felt. The relationship had
been filled with her alcoholism, lies
and illness.’ Father of Emily, 17
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6. Grief is ongoing. Grief never
ends, but it does change in
character and intensity. Many
grievers have compared their
grieving to the constantly shifting
tides of the ocean; ranging from
calm, low tides to raging high tides
that change with the seasons and
the years.
»»
The Dougy Centre
www.dougy.org
Within a family, each person may
mourn differently at different
times. One may be talkative,
another may tend to cry often, and
a third might withdraw. This can
5. The grieving process is
influenced by many issues. The
impact of a death on a teen
relates to a combination of factors
including:
Social support systems available
for the teen (family, friends and/
or community)
Circumstances of the death
- how, where and when the
person died
The nature of the relationship
with the person who died
- harmonious, abusive,
full of conflict, unfinished,
communicative
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in the dying process
The emotional and
developmental age of the teen The teen’s previous experiences
with death.
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Helping yourself through grief
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Remember that grief is normal.
Be patient with yourself –
grieving takes time.
Remember that ‘coping’ or ‘being
strong’ does not mean ‘not
crying’.
Expressing emotion shows
courage to grieve, and is very
healing.
Feel whatever you feel, and be
kind to yourself.
Get as much rest as you can.
Take some moderate exercise.
Eat nutritious food – when you
are able to.
Continue the relationship with
the person who has died. Talk to
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them, look at the photos, visit the
place where they are buried or
where their ashes are scattered.
Ask for and accept help.
Enlist the support of family and
friends for help with the children:
it may just be too much for you to
support grieving children while
you are acutely grieving.
Make a ‘memory box’ or a ‘special
scrapbook’ or a ‘things that made
us laugh list’ that you can all add
to.
Spend time with people who you
find helpful.
Don’t feel you must grieve all the
time – try some things you enjoy
as well, as you feel up to it.
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Get to know your own rhythm for
grieving: staying with the sadness
and making sense of it, and then
retreating from it and distracting
yourself.
Get friends or family to help you
when your emotional or physical
energy is low.
Read some books on grief or visit
some websites.
5
Using journaling as a tool
to work through grief
There are two main reasons why short journal
writes of 15 minutes or less can be helpful. Firstly,
when grief is new, feelings are so close to the
surface and pain is so raw that short writes are
less likely to pitch you into overwhelm. Second,
our culture doesn’t really support us in grieving,
and we are expected to return to work and resume
the mantle of everyday life almost immediately
after even a catastrophic loss. For many people,
shorter writes are friendlier and more adaptable to
daily realities.
Remember, there aren’t any rules
Journal writing isn’t like flossing; you don’t have to
do it every day. And it isn’t school; you don’t have
to spell the words right, or punctuate them or worry
about grammar. Give yourself permission to write
whatever comes. You’re not being judged or graded
by anyone else, so please don’t judge or grade
yourself.
Choose a journal that fits your lifestyle. Some
people treasure lovely blank bound books. Others
favour spiral notebooks that can be chucked into
Give yourself
permission to write
whatever comes. You’re
not being judged or
graded by anyone else,
so please don’t judge or
grade yourself.
a backpack. If you think at your keyboard, keep
your journal on your computer. There is excellent
journal software available such as Life Journal which
is available at major bookstores or on the internet
(www.lifejournal.com). You can also write your
journal via e-mail to a support group or mailing list of
chosen friends and family.
Get in the habit of writing three words that describe
your feelings at the beginning and end of every
journal entry. This helps you track your feelings
over time and gives you an opportunity to notice
that emotions shift with time and process. Because
it is common for memory to be affected with acute
grief, make to-do lists and keep them right in your
journal. Make other lists as well. Lists are great for
organising and categorising, and their structure is
comforting when things feel like they are spinning
out of control.
Before you go to bed, choose something you’d
like to experience the following day — a feeling of
hope or pleasure; an item crossed off a to-do list; an
experience such as a productive meeting or a gym
workout. Write this ‘choice du jour’ in your journal.
As you go to sleep, reflect on your choice. How
would you recognise success? What can you do to
arrange your day to increase the likelihood that your
choice will manifest? At night, write for five minutes
reflecting on outcomes.
When you are aching with longing for your loved
one, write ‘Captured Moments’ – brief vignettes
written quickly. Make them intense with vivid
descriptions; the sight, smell, touch, taste, feel of
things. A collection of Captured Moments becomes
like a written photo album, preserving precious
memories for all time.
Unsent letters are an excellent way to maintain
a sense of communication with your loved one
and can offer deep opportunities for soothing and
comfort.
Sometimes the only way to get through devastation
is to imagine a time when it might not hurt so much.
Write a ‘One Year from Today’ entry in which you
fast-forward yourself to the healing side of the grief.
Allow yourself a glimpse into the future. Imagine
your life as if you have wheeled around through
four seasons, and you are one year distant from the
losses you are experiencing today.
Scientific research shows that brief, intense bursts
of emotional release writing, only 15 minutes a
day for only four consecutive days, is correlated
with increased immune system functioning that
can last for several weeks. Since grief often
compromises the immune system and leaves
you more vulnerable to colds, flu and infection,
these writes can help your physical as well as
your emotional health.
by Bettie-Jeanne 2011
www.tcfeastoftheriver.org
6
Remember to
press play
When it comes to grief, it doesn’t matter where you
are from, or what colour your skin is.
It doesn’t matter how old you are or how many mistakes
you think you made.
I don’t care about your religion choice.
I don’t care that you have no money.
I don’t care that you are not popular.
What I care about is that you wake up every morning
and you smile at the person you see in the mirror.
What I care about is that you learn to laugh again so
much that you lose your breath.
What I care about is that you speak to yourself kindly
and you give yourself hope when there is no hope left.
What I care about is that you spend time with yourself,
imagining a new life, dreaming of what could be and
thinking of all the people you can lend a hand to.
Regardless of how much it is that you have lost, or how
many dreams have been shattered.
Above all, I care about the place in your heart that
keeps beating no matter your loss, your circumstances,
your dollar amount, or your accomplishment list.
That heartbeat doesn’t care about the mistakes, the
losses, the language you speak, or who your family is.
What I am referring to is the feeling that comes from
feeling love, laughter and most of all, compassion for
yourself.
You know that feeling when you help someone who
needs you? That feeling when you can see life as your
playground? And you are playing full on?
I promise you that if you start making new friends, they
will love all the colours of you BECAUSE OF YOUR
LOSS.
I promise you that if you find a new hobby, you will
discover a new part of you that you never knew was
possible before.
I promise you that if you decide to date again, and play
with a new mate, you will find yourself immersed in a life
that feels like a dream.
I promise you that if you dare to fall in love, your
heartbeat will feel that new love so much louder that
you will experience EUPHORIA FOR THE FIRST TIME.
How do I know all this?
Well my dear life starter, my life was interrupted
abruptly one early morning at 2:00am in 2006 when my
gorgeous, smart and spectacular husband passed on to
another dimension and left me here on this earth with
two baby daughters.
I was distraught, breathless and in love with a dead
man.
My body was still functioning but I was dead INSIDE.
Since that day, I began to really play fun and games with
my life after loss.
I won’t lie to you; it did not happen overnight but it did
get me to my PRESENT MOMENT.
Where I wake up every morning and I look at my life as
a single life that lives within every day.
Since 2006, I lived over 2,000 playful lives.
I had so much fun that I forgot that I was no longer a kid.
I travelled the globe so many times over.
Yes I know, I know, I know…
I fell in love hard, and married him regardless of my fear.
How can you play with life again when you are so
scared about what you might lose?
I hear you!
I hear your fear about living life again.
But listen to this one tiny thought….
It sounds like a whisper.
Playing with life again is the only way forward.
I am no longer afraid because after all, if you don’t play
the biggest game called life, your loss will not be able to
teach you the wisdom that you deserve!
You earned it.
Now it is your turn.
Go and claim it.
BUT REMEMBER TO PRESS PLAY!
I promise you that if you decide to join in… every
moment will feel like time stopped and your heart will
experience happiness in slow motion.
Christina Rasmussen
www.secondfirsts.com
7
Losing a parent,
losing your past
When a parent dies, it is only natural to grieve and to feel pain, anger,
denial, guilt, and deep sadness, even though you are an adult. How do you
say good-bye to a part of your past that helped make you the person you
are today?
Reactions to losing a parent
Grief is as individual as it is natural.
How you grieve the loss of a parent
depends on a number of factors.
While the age and health of a
parent can help prepare you for the
death, it does not diminish the grief.
By working through this anger with
a trusted friend, clergy, or a grief
counsellor, you will come to the
realisation that nothing you could
have done would have prevented
your parent’s death. This is a
positive step in the process of grief
recovery.
Your relationship at the time of
his/her death is a major factor in
the type of grief you experience.
Distance and other circumstances
sometimes prevent us from sharing
our feelings with our parents. If the
death was the result of a sudden
illness, the opportunity may seem
to be lost forever. The sense of loss
could be heightened if there was an
argument or a family rift.
Guilt can accompany the anger you
feel at your parent’s death. You may
ask yourself, ‘Why didn’t I see the
warning signs? Why didn’t I make
sure they ate properly? Why did I
insist they take that vacation?’ You
will undoubtedly second-guess
yourself many times throughout the
grieving process.
Shock and denial are common
reactions to the death of a
parent, in addition to a feeling of
numbness, anger, and guilt. These
are completely understandable and
normal reactions and you should
not feel ashamed or alone for
experiencing these feelings.
It is common to become
preoccupied with the parent
who died. You may recreate the
circumstances of their death over
and over again in your mind. You
might experience dreams and
nightmares, or you may think you
see or hear your parent while
awake. These reactions, which may
seem bizarre to you, are also quite
common signs of profound loss.
Perhaps you feel that what has
happened is not real, as if it is all
a bad dream. This does not mean
there is something wrong with
you. This reaction is nature’s way
of insulating you and giving you
time to slowly accept what has
happened.
Anger is another very natural
reaction. You may feel anger at
the doctors or nurses who could
not save your parent. You might
become angry with family members,
or with God. You may even feel
anger toward your parent for dying.
Indeed, you may be angry most
of all with yourself for not paying
closer attention to symptoms, if
death was due to illness.
8
Secondary losses
When a parent dies, you eventually
experience what are known as
secondary losses.
Not only have you lost a parent, but
you may also feel you have lost a
part of your past. Your parent may
have been a trusted adviser, role
model or your closest friend. It is not
unusual for adults to seek a parent’s
advice before they make large
purchases or investments. After
all, they have years of experience
upon which to draw. Was your
parent an advisor on child-rearing,
relationships, cooking and health?
Perhaps your parent’s home was
the place for family gatherings.
Without your parent to fulfil all these
roles, you may suddenly feel very
alone.
Even if you were quite independent
from your parents, you may still
experience forms of secondary
loss. Perhaps you hoped he/
she would have lived to see you
achieve an educational degree, a
career or business goal, athletic
accomplishment, your marriage, and
their grandchildren. Their death may
have preceded your marriage or
the birth of your children. A parent’s
absence from these important
milestones is a form of secondary
loss — a part of the grieving
process.
The death of a parent often brings
on a sense of your own mortality.
You may become haunted by
feelings of, ‘I’m next’, especially as
your generation becomes the oldest
in your family line.
Coping with your grief
The first step in overcoming grief is
to recognise that grief is necessary.
It is a process you must work
through and there are no shortcuts.
Do things that trigger memories,
and talk openly with family
members and friends. Look to this
circle for support. They may not
know how badly you are hurting,
but they will listen. At first they may
feel awkward, not knowing how
to help. Simply tell them what you
need.
If you normally have a pressing or
stressful schedule, lighten it for a
while. Grief can affect both your
mental and physical being, so don’t
add to the stress and strain too
soon. Set aside some quiet time
to allow yourself to accept what
has happened. You need to work
through how it is affecting you and
decide what adjustments, if any,
need to be made in your life.
If one of your parents is still alive,
talk with them and share your
memories. Sooner or later, you will
join together in laughing and crying
as the grief process develops.
You might gently suggest that
your mother or father (left behind)
not make any major decisions for
several months. A grieving widow
or widower may make drastic
decisions such as selling the family
home or giving away possessions,
only to regret it later.
Another important thing to
remember is to take care of yourself
during this emotional time. Grief
can take a tremendous physical
and emotional toll. Familiar signs
of physical grief are weight loss,
difficulty sleeping, irritability,
shortness of breath and even hair
loss.
Your family doctor can help if
you cannot sleep or eat, or if you
experience strong feelings of
anxiety. Be aware of the signs of
stress which can affect your wellbeing, and visit your doctor at their
first indication.
If you still can’t seem to handle
your grief, remember that there is
no timetable for grief. If you are
worried that your grief is controlling
you, speak with the grief support
coordinators at the Leukaemia
Foundation. You will be relieved
to discover that you are not alone
in your reactions to the death of a
parent.
Feelings of loss are universal — we
are all human! But we each deal
with death in our own individual
ways. It simply takes time.
9
63 Things I wish someone
had told me about grief
We think about grief a lot but sometimes I think it is good to get back to
the basics. Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just
the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.
I wish someone had told me...
1. No matter how prepared you
think you are for a death, you
can never be fully prepared for
the loss and the grief.
2. You can plan for death, but
death does not always comply
with our wishes or plans.
3. Dying is not like you see on
TV or in the movies. It is not
peaceful or prepared. You
may not have a spiritual or
meaningful moment. It’s too
real.
4. A hospital death is not always a
bad death.
5. A home death/hospice death is
not always a good death.
6. There will be pressure from
others to move on, even
minutes or hours after a death,
and this can lead to regrets.
7. Death is not an emergency –
there is always time to step
back and take a moment to say
goodbye.
8. Death and grief make people
uncomfortable, so be prepared
for awkward encounters.
9. You will plan the funeral while
in a haze. If you aren’t happy
with the funeral you had, have
another memorial service later.
10. When people offer support,
take them up on it.
11. People will bring you food
because they don’t know what
else to do. Don’t feel bad
throwing it away.
12. People will say stupid, hurtful
things without even realising it.
13. People will tell you things that
aren’t true about your grief.
14. Death brings out the best and
the worst in families, so be
prepared.
15. There is no such thing as
closure.
10
16. There is no timeline for
grieving. You can’t rush it. You
will grieve, in some form,
forever.
17. There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you
had, you’ll always want more.
18. Guilt is a normal part of grief.
19. Anger is a normal part of grief.
20. The pain of a loss is a reflection
of love, but you never regret
loving as hard as you can.
21. Grief can make you question
your faith.
22. Grief doesn’t come in five neat
stages. Grief is messy and
confusing.
23. Grief makes you feel like you
are going crazy.
24. Grief can make you question
your life, your purpose and your
goals. And that isn’t always a
bad thing.
25. We all grieve differently which
can create strain and confusion
between family members and
friends.
26. However badly you think it is
going to hurt, it is going to be a
million times worse.
27. You may find comfort in very
unexpected places.
28. You should go somewhere to
debrief after care giving.
29. The last 24 hours of their lives
will replay in your mind.
30. Trying to protect children from
death and the emotions of grief
isn’t helpful.
31. It’s sometimes necessary to
seek out new ways to grieve on
your own. Find new guidance if
the people who are supposed
to be supportive simply haven’t
learned how.
32. You grieve your past, present
and future with that person.
33. Big life events and milestones
will forever be bittersweet.
34. Grief triggers are everywhere –
you will see things that remind
you of your loved one all over
the place, and it may lead
to sudden outbursts of emotion.
35. You lose yourself, your identity,
meaning, purpose, values, your
trust.
36. Holidays, anniversaries and
birthdays will be hard forever.
37. People will tell you what you
should and shouldn’t feel and
how you should and shouldn’t
grieve. Ignore them.
38. The grief process is about not
only mourning the loss, but
getting to know yourself as a
different person.
39. There is no normal when it
comes to grieving.
40. Sometimes it gets worse before
it gets better.
41. It is normal to feel numb after it
happens. The tears will come.
They come in waves.
42. Grief can make you feel selfish
and entitled, and that’s okay (at
least for a while).
43. Meeting new people, who
never knew the person who
died, can be hard and sad. But
eventually it can be nice to
‘introduce’ them through stories
and photographs.
44. The practice of sending thank
you notes after a funeral is a
cruel and unusual tradition.
45. People love to judge how you
are doing. Watch out for those
people.
46. You can’t compare grief or
compare losses, though people
will try.
47. Any loss you grieve is a valid
loss, though people will
sometimes make you feel
otherwise.
48. Just because you feel pretty
good one day it doesn’t mean
you are cured of your grief.
49. There are many days when you
will feel totally and completely
alone, whether you are or not.
50. Grief can make you do stupid,
crazy things. They may be
what you need at the time, but
you may regret them later. Cut
yourself some slack.
51. Grief can make you a stronger
person than you were before.
52. Grief counselling doesn’t mean
you’re crazy or weak.
53. It is okay to cry sometimes.
54. It is okay NOT to cry
sometimes.
55. Time does NOT heal all
wounds.
56. Grief rewrites your address
book. Sometimes the people
you think will be there for you
are not. People you never
expect become your biggest
supporters.
57. You don’t get over it, you just
get used to it.
58. It is okay to tell people when
they are not being helpful.
59. Watch your drinking – alcohol
can quickly become an
unhealthy friend.
60. You will have to face your
emotions eventually – you can
avoid them for a while, but they
will catch up with you in the
end.
61. Talking isn’t the only way to
express and process emotions.
62. You will never go back to being
your ‘old self’. Grief changes
you and you are never the
same.
63. Nothing you do in the future
will change your love for the
person who died. Eventually
you will begin to enjoy life
again, date again, have another
child, seek new experiences or
whatever. None of these things
will diminish your love for the
person you lost.
Litsa Elisabeth Williams
Adult siblings’ grief may
be overlooked
Yes, it is dreadful for our parents
when our sibling, their child, dies.
Horrific actually, made even more
so because we know. We see it
in their faces and feel it in their
words. We know because we
may be parents ourselves and
the thought of losing one of our
children is unfathomable. It’s also
awful for our sibling’s spouse and
their children. We see and feel it in
their faces and wonder how they
will survive.
And it is dreadful for us too. We’ve
lost our mirror, our confidante, in
some cases our anchor and the
person we expected to be with us
forever. Our families are changed,
scarred; the absence of our sibling,
and sometimes their entire family at
holiday events, cuts to the core.
And for many bereaved siblings,
we’ve lost our stories. Our parents,
so traumatised by the death of
their child, can no longer bear to
speak their name. There are no
‘remember when….’ stories ending
with laughter; we learn that just
mentioning our sibling’s name
causes too much pain. As one
bereaved sibling said to me, ‘You
quickly get to know what you can
and can’t say’.
This place or role as ‘grief
observer’ versus ‘griever’ is
lonely. It’s easy to make the
leap that our own grief must
somehow be less than that
of other ‘closer’ family. ‘You
hear it enough; you start
to think maybe you really
shouldn’t be feeling so
bad. Maybe something is
wrong with me,’ a bereaved
sister said to me.
Losing a sibling at any age matters.
It is a profound loss and just hearing
the words, ‘this must be so hard for
you’, can mean so much. For me,
writing and finding ways to continue
sharing stories about my brother
were and are the best gifts anyone
could offer me. When I talk about
him, he’s with me. And I like that.
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Brenda Marshall 2012
11
Grief Support Services
schedule
MAY
SAT 30 Grief Brunch
9am
JUNE
SAT 20 Grief Brunch for bereaved parents
9am
JULY
SAT 25 Grief Brunch
9am
AUGUST
FRI 28- Bereaved Parents’ Weekend
30
Location
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Queensland Support Services team
Director of Support Services
»»Barbara Hartigan
Support Services Coordinators
Kate Arkadieff
Sheila Deuchars
Kathryn Huntley
Maryanne Skarparis
Amanda Ferguson
Nicole Douglas
Michele Leis
Natalie James
Claire Smith
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»»Donna Vrancken - Cairns and Far North QLD
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»»Shirley Cunningham
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