Orientation Class
Handouts
Superior Court of California
County of San Bernardino
Family Court Services
CO-PARENTING DO’S
 Exchange the child at neutral locations if there is a history of parents arguing at each other’s homes. Meet at a restaurant or park.
 Help child transition between homes. Set a routine so the child does a favorite activity, like watching a video.
 Establish times for the child to phone the other parent.
 Negotiate far in advance, weeks if possible, if the schedule must be changed.
 Communicate clearly. Be specific and put it in writing.
 Treat the other parent like a business partner, not an intimate friend. The business venture, in this instance, is the child.
 Establish a policy of noninterference. When the child is with one parent, that parent has full responsibility to provide care.
 Avoid “parallel parenting.” A local psychologist knows of a couple that never talked to each other and discovered their child had
received two sets of immunization shots.
 Separate property from parenting issues. In some cases, it’s best for parents to hire lawyers to divide property but to handle parenting
issues themselves.
 Set times for frequent updates on the child’s health, vacation plans or other parent issues.
 Consult the other parent before enrolling the child in extracurricular activities.
 Tell the child it’s okay to feel sad, and things will be better.
 Tell the child often that he/she is not to blame for the separation/divorce.
 Avoid making the child choose between parents. If you want an older child to give an opinion on where they want to live, say: “We
want to know what you think will work best for you, but we will make the final decision”.
 Use discretion in bathing, sleeping or showering with your child.
 Separate the way you feel from the way your child feels about the other parent.
 Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt. When the other parent is late, think first of a flat tire – not a deliberate attempt to irritate
you.
 Support the child’s relationship with the other parent. Do not limit contact.
 Set limits for the child. Boundaries make the child feel secure.
 Make positive comments about the other parent to the child.
CO-PARENTING DONT’S
 Don’t call the child at the other parent’s house just to ask if he/she is bored, not being cared for or wanting to return home.
 Don’t become a “Disneyland parent” overindulging the child with gifts and outings because you feel guilty about the breakup.
 Don’t tell the child to disobey the other parent; this could eventually cause chaos in your home too.
 Don’t let a child continue to wait, and be ready to leave, knowing the other parent already has called to say he or she won’t be coming.
 Don’t withhold the child’s birthday present and card sent by the other parent.
 Don’t tell the child to take items from the other parent’s home because you feel they belong to you.
 Don’t fight to make your home the child’s “real” home. Your child has TWO homes.
 Don’t enroll the child in school with a different last name. And don’t list your significant other as the other parent on school records.
 Don’t move to a new city or state just to make it harder for the other parent to see the child.
 Don’t bad-mouth the other parent or the other parent’s new partner in front of the child.
 Don’t use the child to deliver child support payments or legal papers.
 Don’t exchange the child when he/she is dirty, hungry, or sick without explanation.
 Don’t insist that the child call your new spouse “Mom” or “Dad”.
 Don’t deny the child contact with the other party by screening or blocking calls with a telephone answering machine.
 Don’t secretly tape phone conversations. It’s illegal without a court order and undermines the child’s relationship with you and the
other parent.
CHILDREN’S DEVELOPMENTAL NEEDS
Problems and Solutions During Divorce and Separation
Characteristi cs of the Stage
0-2 Ye a rs
2-3 Ye a rs
3-5 Ye a rs
5-8 Ye a rs
9-12 Ye a rs
Adol e sc e nc e
How Divorce Can Cau se Problem s
How to Avoid Problems
Es t a b li s h in g se n s e o f t r u st .
Ve r y s h or t m em o ry .
I n f a n ts at t ac h t o p ar e n ts t h r o u g h c o n si s te n t,
l o v i n g r e sp o n s e s s u c h a s: h ol d i n g, pl a yi n g ,
f e e d i n g & s o ot h i ng
A l o n g pe r i od o f ti me a wa y f ro m t h e p ri ma r y
p a r e n t ma y di s r u pt t h e r o u ti n e o f t h e c h il d .
M a i nt a i n s am e r o u ti n e s (t h e s l e e pi n g a n d
f e e d i n g c y cl e s) .
Av o i d l o ng p er i o d s o f ti me a wa y f r om
p r im a r y c a re t a k er .
F r e q u e n t s h or t p e ri o d s o f t im e wi t h n o n c u s t o di a l p a r en t a r e b e st .
Ch i l d i s b e g i n ni n g t o s e p a ra t e f r om p a r en t s
a n d d e v el o p i n d e p en d e n c e. He / S h e ma y b e
c l i n g y a n d f e ar f ul a b o ut u nf am il i a r p e o pl e
a n d s it u at i o n s .
I f o ne p ar e n t l ea v e s, c hi l d ma y fe e l f e ar f ul of
a b a n d o n me n t r at h e r t h a n c o nf i d e nt a b o u t
b e c o mi n g i n d e p e nd e n t.
Gi v e c hi l d a n e x p l a na t i on h e/ s h e c a n
u n d e r s ta n d . Ar r a ng e f r e q u en t p r e di c t a bl e
c o n t a ct wit h t h e ot h e r p ar e n t. Ac k n o wl e d ge
t h a t t h e c h il d m is s e s t he ot h e r p a r en t . Giv e
t h e c hi l d a p i ct u r e o f t h e o t he r pa r e nt t o k ee p
i n h is / h er r o o m o r p o s se s si o n .
I n c r e as i n g s e n se of s e pa r at e n e ss a n d
i n d e p e n d en c e .
Em e r gi n g s e x u a l i de n ti t y. Ch il d ’ s wo r ld
e n l a r ge s b ey o n d f am i l y t o s c h oo l a n d pe e r s.
Ga i n i n g f e el i n g s o f s el f - wor t h.
Ch i l d ’ s a n xi e t y i s h ig h l y i n fl u e n ce d b y
p a r e n t’ s f e el i n g s. Ch i ld c an t hi n k h e or s he
c a u s e d t h e d i v or c e . Chi l d c a n b e c om e v e r y
u p s e t i f p a re n t s a r e te n s e o r h o s ti l e a n d m ay
f e e l t h e y n e e d t o “ fi x t h i n gs . ”
Ne e d s b ot h p ar e n ts , a n d s t re s s -f r e e e x ch a n g e s
b e t we e n pa r e nt s . No b a d -m o ut h i n g o f t h e
o t h e r p a r e nt . Gi v e a n e x p l an a ti o n of t h e
d i v o r c e t he c hi l d c a n u n d e rs t a n d a n d s tr e s s
t h a t i t is n ot th e c hi l d’ s f a u lt . Av oi d us i n g
c h i l d a s m es s e n g er .
A c h i l d is m o r e i n v ol v e d i n o u t si d e s c h o ol
a n d s o ci a l a ct i vi t ie s . He/ S h e ha s a b et t er
s e n s e o f t im e . Ch il d ha s a g r ea t er a bi li t y t o
u n d e r s ta n d t h e p a r e nt a l c o nf l ic t .
Vi s i t at i o n s c he d u l es m a y i n te r fe r e wi t h s c h o ol ,
s p o r t s, a n d so c i al ac t i vi ti e s. Th e ch i l d m a y be
d i s tr a c te d in cl a s s a n d a g g r es s i ve wit h pe e r s.
Th e c h il d wor r i es a bo u t h i s/ h e r p a re n t s’
c o n f li c t.
Do n ’ t ca n c e l v is i ts b ec a u s e o f c h il d ’s
a c t i vi ti e s , b ut wo r k a r o un d th e m o r a tt e n d
wh e n y o u ca n . Do n ’t t a l k a b o ut p ar e nt a l
c o n f li c t. M a ke y o ur c hi l d f e el i t i s o k a y t o
l o v e b ot h pa r e nt s . Get h el p f o r y o u r se l f t o
r e d u c e y o u r f e el i n gs of a n ge r .
Ch i l d ha s a h ei g h t e ne d se n s e o f f ai r n e ss a n d
j u s ti c e . Chi l d o f te n wa nt s t o be i n d e p e n de n t
f r o m h is / h er p ar e n ts a nd is b ec o mi n g m or e
a t t a c he d t o f r ie n d s . P h ys i ca l a wk wa r d n e ss
a n d s el f -c o n s ci o u s n es s .
Th e c h il d c a n be c o me t o o i n v o l ve d i n ta k i n g
c a r e of o ne p ar e n t. He / S h e m a y bl am e or si d e
wi t h o ne p ar e n t wh e n c o n f li c ts ar i se .
Do n ’ t c on f i de y o ur pr o b l em s wi t h y o u r c hi l d.
S e e k o ut a d ul t f ri e n d s o r a c o u n s el o r.
En c o u r a g e y o u r c h il d t o be i n v o l v ed wit h
p e e r s a n d a c ti v i ti e s h e /s h e e n j o y s .
Ch i l d i s f o c u se d o n h im s el f/ h e r se l f.
Em p a t h y g o es d o wn . Te e n a g er s of t e n f ee l
c o n f u s e d. Th ey ar e v er y i n v o lv e d wit h t h ei r
p e e r gr o u p a n d t h e ir o wn a c ti v it i es . Te e ns
a r e i n v o l ve d i n a b a tt l e f or i n d e p e n de n c e a n d
b e l i e ve th e y ar e c a p a bl e of m a ki n g t h e ir o wn
d e c i si o n s . The y s ol i di f y t h ei r s e n se o f
s e p a r at e n e ss fr om p ar e n ts .
Te e n a g e r s m a y r e s p o n d t o t he c o nf li c t o f
d i v o r c e b y wi t h dr a wi n g f r om t h e f am il y . Th e
o p p o s i te m a y h a p p e n, a nd te e n a g er s wh o a re
p r e o c c u pi e d wi t h f am il y pr o b l em s d o no t f o rm
c l o s e p e e r b o n d s. Te e n s m a y m a ni p u la t e t h e
p a r e n ts ’ r e la t i on s h i p.
Re d u c e th e c on f li c t wi t h t he ot h e r p a re n t a n d
k e e p it o ut of t h e t e e n’ s a wa r e n es s . Re sp e c t
t e e n a g er s ’ i n v ol v em e n t wit h fr i e nd s , o t he r
a c t i vi ti e s , a n d n e e d f or in d e p e n d en c e .
P a r e n t s n e e d t o c omm u n i c at e wi t h o n e
a n o t h e r s o t h at t h e a d o l es c e n t c a nn o t
m a n i pu l at e hi s / he r way ar o u n d t h e r u le s .
I n c r e as e f l e xi b il i ty wit h s ha r e p l a ns .
UNDERSTANDING GRIEF AND L OSS
The Five Stages of Recovery
Grief, according to Dr. Kubler Ross, follows five st ages: Deni al, anger, bargaini ng, depression, and acceptance. We
do not go through these st ages in order or one at a time. We may move forward and then step back into a p revious
stage. Grief may take year s to work through. You, as the parent, are grieving the loss of the rel ationship, while your
children are grieving the loss of the famil y as they once knew it.
Denial and Isolati on – The “No, Not me” stage
o This stage is filled with di sbelief and deni al. You avoid talking about what happened.
Anger and Resentment – The “Why me?” stage
o You and your children are angry at the si tuation and each other. Underneat h the anger is sadness and
pain over the breakup of the f amil y. The children m ay blam e one or the other parent or themselves for
this.
Bargaini ng – The “If I do this, then you’l l do that” stage
o You try to negotiat e to bring about change. Children have the fant asy of reuniti ng the family.
Depression – The “Loss feels real” st age
o You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The separation has happened and there is nothing to
bring the other parent back. Acknowledgement of t he situation often brings sadness. Chil dren may
express their sadness with aggressi v e behavior, an ‘attit ude’, or temper tantr ums. People may
experience changes in sl eeping and eating patterns.
Acceptance – The “This is what happened” stage
o Though you haven’t forgott en what happened you are abl e to let go and move on.
Suggestion s for ways to cope
o Seek support for yourself and your chi ldren through friends and family, counseling, and support
groups.
o Maint ain routines. Children most likely will feel insecure and abandoned at first. Try to maintain the
daily routines and speci al events/ holidays.
o Nurture yourself and your children. Do positive thi ngs that make you feel good, such as taki ng a walk or
listeni ng to music.
o Allow yourself and your childr en to grieve and adjust to what has happened.
o Avoid long term legal decisi ons if you are in a very emotional stat e. It i s better to make tem porary
plans unti l your thinking is clearer and less emotional.
Sample Parenting Plans
These are plans that have worked for some families.
You need to tailor your parenting plan to fit your children’s needs.
 Weekday Sharing
 Weekend Sharing
 One specific weekday, after school – 8pm
 Can be every weekend or alternate weekends
 Several specific weekdays, 5pm – 8pm
 1st, 3rd, & 5th weekends
 Every day after school – 8pm
 2nd & 4th weekends
 Weekday overnights
 Friday after school until Sunday 6pm or Monday am
 Wednesday after school – Thursday before school
 Saturday am until Sunday pm
 Wednesday after school – Friday before school
 Saturday am until Monday am
 Shared Weeks
 Week to Week with exchanges on Friday, Sunday or Monday
 Week to Week with midweek dinner visit or
overnight to non-custodial parent
 Wednesday – Saturday & Saturday – Wednesday
 2 overnights on weekdays and alternate weekends
(Friday – Monday)
LEGAL CUSTODY
Making deci sions about the health, education and welfare of the chi ldren
Having access to all legal information regarding the children
Joint Legal Cu stody = Both parents have the right and respon sibility to
make legal deci sion s regarding the child ren
Sole Legal Cu stody = One p arent has th e right and respon sibility to make
all legal deci sion s regarding the children
It is most common for parent s to share j oint legal custody
 HEALTH:
Medi cal records
Treatment options such as medications, surgery, etc.
Doctor / Denti st / Orthodont i st appoi ntments & info
Ment al health information
 EDUCATION:
Public education
Private school s
Home schooling
Tutoring
Report cards / test result s
After school sport s / other activiti es
Conferences / field trips
 WELFARE:
Residence / change of residence
Day care
Religious training
Significant alt eration of child’s appearance (hair color, tattoos, etc.)
Special needs
WHAT I NEED
A Child’s Voice
I need to love many people, including my stepparents and relatives, without guilt or
being made to feel disloyal. The more love I give, the more I have to give and the
more love I will receive.
I need to have a regular daily and weekly routine, one that is not filled with
alternating patterns and disruption.
I need to spend time with both of my parents, regardles s of grown-up wants and
wishes regarding convenience, money, or their feelings.
I need to be able to express my feelings.
I need to be able to love both of my parents since they are both a part of me and to
be reassured that this is okay.
I need to not have to blame or choose sides.
I need to not have to make adult decisions.
I need to be a child and not assume my parent’s duties or be an adult companion,
friend, or comforter to my parents.
I need to never have to choose which parent to live with. This is a decision for
adults. Having to make such a choice will always hurt someone else, and therefore,
hurt me. I may feel this way even as a teenager while others wish I were able to make
the decision.
I can never choose between my parents.
Author Unknown