Friendships on Social Media
Do not take them at face value
Friendship is a relationship of
mutual affection between two
or more people. A wise man
said - “Two are better than one,
because they have a good
reward for their toil. For if
they fall, one will lift up his
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fellow”.
While we all have known friendship from time immemorial,
the coming of the Internet and social networking has changed
a lot on the friendship scene. It has changed the way we define
and understand friendship. We can now have thousands of
friends across the world and talk to them often and at any time,
sharing more of our lives through messages, photos and
videos. The complexity of relationships within and between
groups of friends is a challenge with the variety of options we
have to communicate. All this is challenging the values, virtues
and benefits of friendship.
In the following pages we will:
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understand friendship
know the different levels and types of friendship
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study the five traits of true friends
learn some facts and figures of friendships on the Internet
learn what precautions to take when making and keeping
friends online.
I. Making Friends
Parental love and bonding
contributes most to the
emotional development of an
individual. Surprisingly what
ranks second is not romantic
or marital bonding, but
friendships. The absence of
friends can be emotionally
damaging, and it is no surprise, that a World Happiness
Database says that people with close friendships are happier.
Starting with geographic proximity, children, at the age of six,
look for sharing and loyalty in the growing years, and by the
time they turn fourteen, end up being friends with people who
share similar values, attitudes and interests.
Generally speaking there are three significant factors that
make the formation of a friendship possible:
 Proximity, which means being near enough to see each
other or doing things together (This has little or no
meaning in online relationships which is not limited by
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geographic distances).
Repeatedly encountering the person informally and
without making special plans to see each other (There is a
high possibility of this if you have friends in common).
 Self-presenting or created opportunities to share ideas and
personal feelings with each other (This has limitless
possibilities since we can look up people based on our own
tailor-made list of place, age, gender and interests).
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II. Levels of Friendship
Friendship can be identified at
four different levels:
1. Casual
2. Common
3. Close
4. Covenant
Friendship usually starts at the casual level and may grow
through the levels gradually reaching the covenant level much
later in the relationship. A few exceptions being when people
go through sudden unexpected times of adversity and develop
a bonding owing to the shared experiences and support that
they gave or received.
1. Casual Friendship: A casual friend is someone you have
just met or have met very infrequently with long periods of
separation in between. If it is someone we have just met, we
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engage in conversation that for most parts serves the purpose
of information gathering. Questions such as, “Where are you
from?” and “What do you do?” In subsequent conversations
we make inquiries such as, “How is your job?” or “How is your
family?”
“A man who has friends must show himself to be friendly”.2 The
least what we can do is to try and know about someone we’ve
just met or inquire about the well-being of someone we met
before. While most of these encounters terminate or become
stagnant for lack of future interactions or common interests,
we tend to invest more time or effort into particular
relationship when we find something that is common to both
parties, either in interests or activities.
2. Common Friendship: “Can two walk together unless they
are agreed?”.3 Interest in knowing more about a common
subject, seeking out possibilities of learning from each other or
engaging in an activity of common interest is what defines this
level of friendship.
3. Close Friendship: We first start making references to
‘my best friend’ between the ages of five and ten. As our
understanding of loyalty and commitment develops, we start
designating ‘best friend’ based our experiences with friends.
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”.4 Most of us
can come up with at least one name that fits the description.
But how is ‘close’ defined?
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“Faithful are the wounds of a friend”.5 Before we get ahead of
ourselves, this is not a reference to physical hurt. It means to
say that a close friend will speak the truth in love even if it
causes us discomfort. The important factors of this
relationship being complete honesty, openness, transparency
and integrity.
4. Covenant Friendship: The covenant friendship is
marked by total commitment to each other’s development in
their respective goals and desires in life. There is complete
openness to discuss and plan individual and common shortterm and long-term goals. This is a relationship that should
culminate in and be restricted to a committed marital
relationship.
Types of Friendships:
 Imaginary Friendship - An imaginary friend is a non-
physical friend, usually of a child. These friends may be
human or animal. This is most commonly regarded as
harmless, typical childhood behavior.
 Agentic Friendship - When both parties look to each
other for help in achieving practical goals in their personal
lives like helping with completing projects or studying for
an exam. These relationships typically do not include the
sharing of emotions or personal information.
 Best friend - Best friends share extremely strong
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interpersonal ties with each other. This is the person with
whom we usually share most about our lives. The term
BFF, short for Best Friends Forever, is used in present
times to denote lifelong friendship and loyalty.
Bromance - A term that is combination of brother and
romance, it denotes a close, non-sexual relationship
between two or more men.
Casual Friends or "Friends with Benefits” - Also
referred to as a "hook-up", this term denotes a sexual or
near sexual relationship between two people who do not
expect or demand to share a formal romantic relationship.
Pen Pals - Pen pals are people who have a relationship
primarily through mail correspondence. They may or may
not have met each other in person. In modern times,
internet relationships have largely replaced pen pals,
though the practice does continue.
Internet Friendship - An internet friendship is a form
of friendship or romance which takes place exclusively
over the Internet. This may evolve into a real-life
friendship.
Mentor–Mentee Friendship - In this kind of
friendship the mentor teaches, counsels or disciples other
friends. The mentee is the one being taught, counseled, or
discipled. This is a relationship based on ministry, similar
to the kind Jesus (mentor) had with his disciples (mentees).
We can be both mentor and mentee, but not with the same
friend.
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III. Five Traits of True Friends
So, what is true friendship? Let's break it
down into traits that are easy to identify.
1. Friends Love Sacrificially
“Greater love has no one than this that he
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lay down his life for his friends”.
Jesus is the finest example of a true friend.
His love for us is sacrificial, never selfish. He
demonstrated through His miracles of
healing, the humble service of washing the
disciples' feet, and then ultimately, by laying down His life on
the cross. Likewise, a true friend loves sacrificially.
2. Friends Accept Unconditionally
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for
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adversity”.
We discover the best of friendships with those who know and
accept our weaknesses and imperfections. If we're easily
offended or hold on to bitterness, we'll have a hard time
making friends. A good friend is quick to ask forgiveness and
ready to be forgiving.
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3. Friends Trust Completely
“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a
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friend who sticks closer than a brother”.
This proverb reveals that a true friend is trustworthy, indeed,
but emphasizes a second important truth as well. We should
only expect to share complete trust with a few loyal friends.
Over time our true friends will prove their trustworthiness by
sticking closer than a brother or sister.
4. Friends Keep Healthy Boundaries
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“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy”.
If you feel stifled, used or abused in a friendship, something is
wrong. Recognizing what's best for someone and giving that
person space are signs of a healthy relationship. A true friend
will wisely avoid intruding and recognize your need to
maintain other relationships.
5. Friends Give Mutual Edification
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted”.10
True friends will build each other up emotionally, spiritually,
and physically. Friends like to be together simply because it
feels good. But at times we also have to say the difficult things
our dearest friend needs to hear. Because of the shared trust
and acceptance, we are the one person who can impact our
friend's heart, for we know how to deliver the hard message
with truth and grace.
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IV. Internet Friendship
Technology has made it easy
for us to make and maintain
relationships. Most of the
‘friendship’ activity is on social
media, so let us look at some
facts and figures*:
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India has 125 million Internet users
Top social media networking sites are Facebook,
LinkedIn, Twitter, Orkut, BharatStudent, Zedge, Ibibo,
hi5, Shtyle, Indyarocks and Myspace. And then there are
other applications such as Skype, Viber, Whatsapp, etc.
Facebook has 90 million, Twitter has 15 million and
LinkedIn has 45 million users in India
India is predicted to be the top Facebook user by 2015
There are 73% male users and 27% users are female in
Facebook
India ranked to be the second largest country with 12.3
million users in Google+
60% of social networking traffic comes from non-metro
cities in India. However the highest traffic comes from the
metros i.e. Mumbai
The male to female ratio in terms of social media usage is
60:40
Age group of 15-24 are the highest number of social media
users
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On an average Facebook is visited at least thrice a day by a
user
 50% in 18-25years age range. 50% of them are single. Other
50% no status, engaged or married.
 All this with the fact that Social media is available to only
60% of the entire Indian internet audience.
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*All figures as at the time of print. They might have
increased drastically.
Online friendships seem to be more about promoting oneself.
So if you want others to appreciate you then you better
appreciate anything and everything they claim online. This is
made easier with you having to just hit a ‘Like’ button. The real
benefit of edification (the moral or intellectual instruction or
improvement of someone) is missing in these. It seems like it
has turned out to be more about mutual admiration with no
real concern for the others growth and improvement. They
are mostly relegated to the casual and common level with
hardly any of it going onto to the level of being close. This is
because the very reason for starting the relationship has a goal
(mostly selfish) and when the goal is not agreed on or is
reached, there is no more reason for putting more effort into
keeping the relationship going. There are quite a few instances
of online relationships blooming into successful marital
relationships. But there are more of these which have run into
trouble because of the negligible or no real life experiences of
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loyalty in tough times and the experience or working through
simple preferences or personality differences.
V. Making Friends Online
Internet friends are not
‘imaginary friends’. They are
real people and some of my
best friends are people that I
met on the Internet whom I
met in real life a little later. But
there are a few pointers when it
comes to making or keeping
friends on the internet.
1. When you receive a friend request, make sure there is a
‘mutual friend’ or ask for a referral as to how this person came
across you online. Send a message or make a call and take a
reference check with at least one mutual friend before you go
ahead.
2. Check out some pictures of the person online, preferably
with someone from his/her family or friends circle. Much
better if you could have a video call to make sure you are
talking to the same person they are claiming to be.
3. If you are planning to meet your online friend for the first
time:
a. Plan to meet in a public place
b. Take a friend along
c. Keep family/friends informed
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The above are, of course, in addition to the regular
precautions below:
1. Do not give too much information (date of birth,
school/college, residential address)
2. Ask friends to take down posts that give out details
of your life
3. Remove tags from any unpleasant / inappropriate
posts that you friends might have tagged you in
4. Review privacy settings of your account
(The website may change their terms and conditions
from time to time)
Keeping Friends Online:
Psychologists say that the average person can generally not
have regular, healthy, friendly relationships with more than
150 people. Now, that is very small number compared to the
thousands of friends some people have on their Facebook
account. Just how does this affect the ‘friendship’?
1. Having a huge number of friends on Facebook enhances
neither the quality of your life nor your self-esteem. Do not
go on a befriending spree just to have a high number of
friends. You will hardly get to know even a small percentage
of them.
2. Just because you know a few things that your ‘friends’ posted
about their everyday life does not mean you know them.
3. Do not be led to believe that all your friends are having a
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wonderful life without problems. Everybody has problems
of their own but are all reporting only the fun and wonderful
part of their lives.
4. Do not give into the temptation to buy and have things that
everybody flaunts online. True friends will accept you with
or without your material possessions.
5. Be careful of anyone who starts to ask odd questions, makes
strange requests or turns overly inquisitive about your
personal details. Bear this in mind even with people that you
have had on your list for a while. We have enough cases of
online relationships that led to suffering and sometimes
death. Some examples:
a. Cyber-bullying leading to suicide
b. Character assassination at school / college /
workplace
c. Financial extortion through blackmail
(emotional and factual)
d. Asking for suggestive pictures and coercing to
perform sexual acts online and recording to
blackmail further
e. Stalking and murder
f. Revenge (The case of Lorna Smith and Clifford
Mills from UK)
Learn more about how to keep safe on Facebook:
http://www.wikihow.com / Keep-Safe-on-Facebook.
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Conclusion
The old saying goes –‘Tell me about your friends and I will tell
you who you are’. We are the company that we keep. “He that
walks with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall
be destroyed”.11 So choose your friends wisely as they can and
will change your life.
Friends come,
Friends go,
But a true friend is there to watch you grow.
Remember, people may fail, but Jesus is always there as a true
friend to hold you up. He loves as you are today irrespective of
your weaknesses, your failures, your bad habits, your physical
appearance or anything which your friends may dislike in you.
“Greater love has no one than this - that he lay down his life for his
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friends”.
Three steps to have Jesus as your “Best Friend”:
1. Admit you have messed up your life and need God to forgive
you. All have sinned and fall short to reach God. If we confess our
sins, God is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us
from all unrighteousness.
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2. Believe that Jesus died on the cross for all your wrong doings and
rose again from the death to be with you always. For God so loved the
world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in
Him should not perish but have life even after death.
3. Confess and choose God to be in charge of your life as a close
friend who will stay with you always. If you confess with your mouth,
'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the
dead, you will be saved.
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer.
Please reach out to us if you would like to know more about Jesus
Christ.
References from Holy Bible
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Eccl. 4:9 | 2 Proverbs 18:24a | 3 Amos 3:3 | 4 Proverbs 18:24b
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Proverbs 27:6 KJV | 6 John 15:13 | 7 Proverbs 17:17
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Proverbs 18:24 | 9 1 Corinthians 13:4 | 10 Proverbs 27:6
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Proverbs 13:20 | 12 John 15:13
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Notes:
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