www.vancouverspun.com
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002
KEEPING
THE SMACK
OUT OF
TINSELTOVVN
Treaty a formality; cavalry prepares
Anticipating 'yes'
vote in treaty
referendum,
Premier readies to
"shoot us some
injuns"
By JEFF LOO
By PHAGUE McOUTEZ
VICTORIA—The provincial
government, anticipating 'yes'
votes on next month's eight-question treaty referendum, revealed
its innovative new strategy for
future treaty negotiations with
B.C.'s aboriginal people.
The plan, which the Premier
unveiled during a Liberal
fundraiser last night, calls for
the formation of cavalries to
negotiate with First Nations
groups face to face.
"When the people of this
province vote yes to the referendum next month," said Premier Campbell, "they're going
to be sending a clear message
on how treaty negotiations
should take place. That's where
the cavalry comes in."
Campbell explained that the
cavalry's role will be similar to
that of the U.S. Cavalry, armed
groups that wandered the Amerlean plains following the Civil
War, killing First Nations people to make the area safe for
, frontiersmen.
"Everyone knows that Custer
died at Little Big Horn," said
the Premier. "What we're saying is, 'What if, he didn't die?
What if he were in British
Columbia right now? What
would he do?"
"I jus' can't wait to shoot' us
some injuns," the Premier
admitted later in the night.
"Hoo-whee!"
Despite his enthusiasm, the
Premier denied charges that
the policy would be racist or
genocidal.
"That's ridiculous. I like
smoked salmon and moccasins.
The Redskins are my favourite
football team. Some of my best
friends are Indians. This policy
is about fulfilling the mandate
given to us by the hard-working
people of this province, not about
some lazy minority groups."
First Nations groups could not
be reached by press time. Oh
well Whatever.
Amber Johnson didn't think
B.C. doctors' job action would
ever affect her.
Johnson, 29, isn't pregnant.
She hasn't been anesthetized for
anything. And exercising six times
a week, she's hardly at risk for
medical conditions such as heart
disease and diabetes.
But when Johnson learned yesterday that B.C. doctors would
step up their job action against
the provincial government by
withholding plastic surgeons'
cosmetic services, the seriousness of B.C.'s medical crisis finally
hit her.
"I wanted to get my nose done
next month," she said. "Now I
just don't know what I'll do! In
all seriousness, I have no idea
how I can cope with this.
"And I was supposed to get my
boobs retouched this weekend,"
added Johnson, a waitress at
Hooter's on Robson. "The silicone's been shifting, and it's been
really affecting my tips at work.
What am I going to do now?"
But B.C.'s plastic surgeons say
they want to do their part for the
doctors, whose spiteful job action
has left British Columbians in
the lurch for several months.
"Even though emergency
room shutdowns and cancella-
The Provincial Court was evacuated yesterday after citizens
reported seeing a man plant a
bomb in the building.
The suspected terrorist, 31year-old Professor Quirrell, was
seen running out of the Abbotsford building at approximately
3pm, after leaving a Tupperware
container with a half-eaten
apple. Bystanders said the man's
turban made him an immediate suspect.
The RCMP was alerted immediately. The bomb squad, including two highly-trained but cute
tions of all after-hours surgeries have a significant impact on
patients in the province, Pm still
not sure everyone grasps the
magnitude of B.C.'s medical crisis," said Dr. Maiktham Bigger,
president of the B.C. Society of
Cosmetic Surgeons.
Bigger said he is sorry that
patients waiting for face lifts
will be used so shamelessly as
pawns by physicians, but that
B.C. doctors are angry at the
provincial government for overturning part of their arbitration
award, which gave them pay
raises.
"We consider ourselves to be
as useful and as legitimate to
the medical industry as brain
surgeons. We felt that if we withheld our essential services, the
government would have to stand
up and take notice."
And the government has.
"Doctors are just making
another irresponsible move. This
halt to cosmetic surgery is taking things just a little too far,"
said an irate Premier Cordon
Campbell. But he remained firm
on his stance, and refused to
offer anything new to the doctors for negotiations.
"I have some Canadian Tire
dollars in my drawer at home, I
guess they could have those if
they wanted," he said.
Universe seems
dark, scientists
say it's beige
By HUGO CHRISTIE
DENISE HOWARD/VANCOUVER SPUN
Premier Campbell tearing it up at last night's Liberal fundraiser at Victoria's Empress Hotel.
"It's firewaterl" exclaimed an excited Campbell.
Terrorist suspect in Abbotsford linked to bin Laden
By CHARLES SKELETON
Doctors in
B.C. evil,
irresponsible
clogs, searched the building while
policemen tried to calm the hysterical crowd gathered outside.
"For now, it's just important
to remain calm. We will not tolerate any form of terrorism in
Abbotsford," said RCMP spokesperson Barry White.
Although no one was hurt during the evacuation, a small boy
fainted when the turbaned man
spoke to him. White would not
release the boy's identity, but
said he was about 10 years old,
had light-brown hair, and wore
round-framed glasses.
Quirrell's lawyer, Harry McBell,
maintains that his client was
falsely accused.
"This is obviously not a terrorist attack," said the lawyer.
"A colourful turban should not
be grounds for suspicion."
But witness Abagail Brighton
said Professor Quirrell was using
the turban to hide Osama bin
Laden.
"Why do you think Bush hasn't been able to find him yet?
It's because Professor Quirrell's
been hiding him in his turban!"
"When it comes to these turban-wearing men, it's obvious
that they're up to no good. These
people all originated from
Afghanistan," she added.
CSIS/CANADIAN GOVERNMENT
The universe may appear
bluish-black in color, but in fact
it's much paler, scientists say.
A team of eight physicists at
the California Institute of Technology (CalTech) discovered last
week that the universe, previously believed to be kind of dark,
is actually beige.
"The universe could, I suppose, be sort of cream-colored
or off-white, but I'm pretty convinced further, data will prove
definitively th a t it's beige," said
Prof. Thomas Lindner, spokesperson for the scientists. "However,
we're not totally 100 per cent
sure of our conclusions yet
because we had to infer a lot
from limited data."
Extrapolating from electromagnetic radiation measurements collected around the world
over the past four years, the scientists determined that the mean
frequency of all electromagnetic
radiation in the universe appears
to humans as beige.
The study has been heavily
criticized here in Canada, where
grassroots organizations have
been circulating petitions that
demand the U.S. physicists retract
their discovery.
"Dude, just take a look at the
sky!" said Port Coquitlam car
mechanic Darren Stewart, a signatory to the petition. "It's so
obviously blue! Look, I took photos and did a color-match against
my wife's paint swatches. For
God's sake, even when it's dark
out, it looks blue!"
Scientists at other universities
have been trying to replicate the
CalTech physicists' results, so far
with little success.
"I don't doubt the evidence
of those CalTech guys," said
University of Toronto physics
professor Steve McEwan.
"We've just being having a little trouble over here locating
beige in the visible-light spectrum. We're thinking now that
it may fall somewhere between
red and orange."
Canadian Press
Probably a terrorist.
h cost of babysitting?
We can beat the cost of your current babysitter
by up to 500/0!
That's right. If you act now and register your baby at our easy to use
online site you could be eligible for incredible babysitting savings:
The catch? Babysitting is scheduled as best as' possible to meet the needs
of our sitters, so your preferred time slot might not be available. But with
the growing number of babysitters at our firm we can probably
accomodate you. What have you got to lose?
w w w. littl e da ri n g. c o
it tin g /
INSIDE
No sun city.
Ann Landers
Births & Deaths
Bridge
Business
Careers
Class stratified
Comicslids
Crosswords
Dead end jobs
Editorials
BS
BS
ES
Al
F6
El
BI
A2
F7
Al, A2
* *
Full report, Dll
Entertainment
B6
Food you can't afford
134
Incorrect horoscopes
E7
Letters
A2
Pete McSmartass
BI
Movies made elsewhere B7
NDP baching All
George Pail 6014364213
Theatre of the oppressed B7
We love Izzy, he's
'I
70 CENTS RETAIL
75 CENTS COIN BOX
WHY WOULD YOU BUY THIS OUTSIDE THE
LOWER MAINLAND?
canaduh.com
A2
THE VANCOUVER SPUN
THE EDITORIAL PAGE [
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002
THE VANCOUVER SPUN
PUBLISHED BY JESSE MARCHAND NEWSPAPER GROUP
A DIVISION OF DUNCAN M. McHUGH PUBLICATIONS, AN AI LIN
CHOO COMPANY
SARA YOUNG President and Publisher
. JULIA CHRISTENSEN, Editor-in-Chief
MC FENSOM, Managing Editor • RON NURWISAH, Executive Editor
SCOTT BARDSLEY, Stockholm Bureau • LAURA BLUE, Head Dork
HYWEL TUSCANO, Tight Pants • SARAH MacNEILL MORRISON, Titties
ALICIA MILLER, Carpet Cleaner • GRAEME WORTHY, Masseur
BECKY KOSKELA, Editorial Page Editor • KATHLEEN DEERING, Jell-O
TRISTAN WINCH, The Man • TARA WESTOVER, The Provider
CHRIS SHEPHERD, Westsiiiide • MICHAEL SCHWANDT, Coke Head
ROB NAGAI, Elections Scrutineer • STEVE OLDRIDGE, Useless
DORY KORNFELD, Ad Director • ANNA STEVENSON, Ad Designer
TED CHEN, Sleepy • DONALD PRIME, Coffee Boy
New softwood lumber
strategy: Ready to roll
The United States has imposed an
outrageous 29 per cent duty on Canadian softwood lumber, and the federal
government has accomplished nothing. If it hopes to actually do something for working Canadians, the
federal government will need to see
the world in a new way — like a game
of Risk.
In Risk, Canada is the superpower.
We have Alberta, Ontario, Quebec
and the Northwest Territories. That's
four, couneem, four army-generating
territories. The Americans, with
Alaska, Western and Eastern U.S,
have three. They just don't match up.
First we must build up our Risk
card reserves. What better way to do
that than by conquering some of
those puny little African countries?
Think about it, Madagascar is just
floating there of the east coast of
Africa, ripe for picking!
We have long had numerical superiority, but with the tariff and Regis
Philbin, Americans have gone too far:
the time has finally come to role all
three red dice and go for the continent!
Once the United States, Mexico and
Greenland are under Canadian control, we will finally achieve North
America's long-sought five army bonus
every fucking turn. Booyah!
With control of North America
secured, we are in the ideal place to
conquer the rest of the world. Asia
just has too many damn borders, so
no one can ever hold it. Ditto for the
only other major continent, Europe.
But in North America, we're right
beside the shithole that is South
America. Our boys can sweep that
continent in one turn, no problemo.
See you on the warm beaches of
Puerto Vallarta!
We also have the advantage of surprise. The rest of the world has no
clue as to the armies we've built up
over here. While the U.S. wasted its
armies in Vietnam, Canada quietly
stockpiled its army bonus every, turn.
You know those submarines in the
West Edmonton Mall? They've got
nukes on 'em. All those federal "centres of excellence?" Underground
bunkers. Those Albertan rednecks?
Pissed off and armed to the teeth.
Our dice are loaded. Make our day
punks.
Getting rid of poor people makes
B.C. better place
If there's one thing we at The Vancouver Spun can't stand, it's poor
people. You know, those squeegee
kids, welfare bums and general
layabouts who leech off the rest of
us.
That's why The Spun wholeheartedly supports the provincial government's initiatives to rid this province
of poor people ... err, we mean
poverty.
Gordon Campbell's New Era for
B.C. will usher in a new reich of
prosperity for BC—about bloody
time! We're tired of paying the way
of single mothers,. 'the oppressed,'
`the poor,' and 'the disadvantaged.'
Any self-respecting economist
knows that the economy is driven by
one thing and one thing only—spending! Poor people cannot spend and
are therefore a burden on our economy. When was the last time you saw
a single mom on social assistance put
a down payment on a shiny new
BMW? Do alcoholic bums living in
the Downtown Eastside buy nice new
suits at Holt Renfrew? Don't think so.
Our solution is simple: make B.C.
unbearable for the poor. Fortunately,
the Liberals are already headed in
the right direction. Raising the price
of health-care and cutting aid to single mothers makes life just that much
harder for the unproductive members
of our society.
The next steps are obvious. First,
get rid of socialized medicine. If you
can't afford to take care of yourself,
why should we do it for you? It just
doesn't make any sense. Second, diminate welfare benefits. BC is like a
shiny new skytrain line, you gotta pay
your way or get off. Another fringe
benefit is that getting rid of softhearted socialist handouts will teach
the poor proper financial management.
The benefits are numerous. Our
streets will be cleaner; no more
unsightly street kids begging for
money, or addicts shooting up and
blocking the paths of well-dressed
businessmen.
Additionally, this will be beneficial
for our Olympic bid. We'll have to get
rid of the poor when the International Olympics Committee comes to
town, anyway, so we might as well kill
two birds with one stone. Clear the
streets now.
Our film and tourism industry will
also get a boost. Let's face it people,
the poor ain't pretty. All those rotting
teeth, old smelly clothes and track
marks—disgusting! This isn't the
image we want to present to our Hollywood visitors or our tourism industry.
The image we do want to present is
that of a clean, prosperous B.C. One
that obviously doesn't include those
living below the poverty line. Get 'em
out, the sooner the better!
The CBC positively useless
Mating. But then Spike got knocked up and Caitlin got
Something stinks in Canadian media. No, it's not that
busted for anti-war protesting. And we just won't tolerate
schmuck Allan Fotheringham, although the last time we
teenage mothers or flower children.
met that guy, we thought he could
Those are just the type of people that
,use a bath. No, the source of the
are always whining and complaining
stench is something much, much
An editorial from
about how they can't pay for childlarger than Fotheringham it's
care, or 'boo hoo, the earth is meltCanada's 'public' broadcaster, the
ing?
CBC.
Who CBC Radio think it is? There's
For decades, Canadians have
CBC Radio 1, CBC Radio 2 and CBC
been forced to endure the insufferRadio 3 — which isn't even on the
able programming of the CBC. And
radio! And Brave New Waves. What is
the tediousness comes, not only
that? It sounds like Brave New Noise
from crappy reporting and amato us. And don't get us started on Bill
teurish production values, but also
Richardson.
from the rotting corpses they have
And then there's the CBC's whole
•
running the whole damn show.
`multicultural' schtick Ben Chin, Ian
I mean, come on! It's 2002 and
Hanomansing, Sudha Krishna. At
the CBC is still insisting upon
least find some coloured people with
Canadian zrogramwikig? Thp.time
talent! It's like they walked down to
ha's come to wake up- and take a-customs and pickedup, anyone .walkwhiff off the 21st century. Ameriing off the boat who could say 'I am
can programming is where it's at.
refugee.'
All one needs to do is open up a
But what makes us sicker than anycopy of The Vancouver Spun, or
thing about the CBC is how they've
the National Post, to see that no
managed to corrupt good Jewish boys like Evan Solomon
one cares about Canadian television anymore. Friends
and Ralph Benmergtn. Worse still, that Solomon boy is
sells, Emily of New Moon smells.
doing some limp-wrested artsy show. Moses didn't part the
We're the first to admit that, for a short time, we were
Red Sea so we could talk about gentile books on to the
fans of Degrassi High. That Joey Jeremiah sure made us
CBC. We spit on the CBC!
chuckle. And his spotty, adolescent skin was absolutely tit-
The Aspers: a-okay by me!
There has been a lot of talk
lately, well more like chatter,
about the decisions being
made by Israel Asper and his
family, owners of CanWest
Global, owners of Southam,
owners of this very paper. It
seems they've ruffled a few
feathers, what with their actuBarbara
ally owning something. How
Yappy
scandalous! Media ownership!
Give me a break. Someone
has to own the media and it
gage. My husband owns his own busimay as well be someone as savvy as
ness. If they thought for one second
Conrad, uh, I mean, Izzy Asper.
that they could tell me what to write
Naturally, though, when there's
someone who can manage their money in my column, well I'd be out that
door so fast, they wouldn't know
at the helm of a newspaper, there are
cries of media censorship, loss of edito- what happened. I was a sprinter in
high school, you know.
rial control, etc. Hogwash, I say.
It just so happens that I share
I haven't noticed any of the somany of the same viewpoints as Mr.
called Asperization' of Southam
Asper. I believe that Israel has every
dailies across the country. I myself
right to do what they want to Paleshave certainly never been censored.
If those moneymen in Winnipeg
tinians. I believe the federal Liberals
are the best party for all of Canada. I
thought for one second that they
believe that Jean Chretien is the
could touch one of my columns, they
greatest Prime Minister this country
have another thing coming. I don't
has ever had. I believe that the CBC
need this job. I've paid off my mort-
[
Save the lawn!
I am sick and tired of all these hippies messing up the lawn of the B.C.
legislature because of some 'cause.'
I'm equally tired of old, crippled people camping on the lawn just because
the government took away their bus
pass. My daughter works at the legislature and it gets her in a really bad
mood when she has to see all those •
yucky tents and 'fringe' people. Canadian society would be a hell of lot better if we could expel hippies, the
disabled and the really elderly.
JANICE HILL-SNIITH
North Vancouver
•
Global warming is ass
Those crazy environmentalists have
smoked too much marijuana! I mean,
first they took my favorite aerosol
hairspray off the shelf and now
they're trying to make us sign some
ridiculous Chinese document because
the earth is getting too warm? Did
they not see the snow on the ground
in Vancouver last week? I mean,
hello! If the earth is indeed getting
warmer, I say bring it on! I'm sick of
paying thousands of dollars on tanning salons each year to maintain a
healthy bronze glow.
TRISH STEWART
Surrey
•
Topless women wanted
Is it just me, or does it seem like
absolutely none of Vancouver's
women know that it's legal for them
to go out in public topless? Whatever
happened to women's lib? You fight
for equality, ladies, and when it's
is positively useless. This is not
me simply toeing the company
line, these are my honestly-held
beliefs. Seriously, I actually
believe all this shit.
As for those Southam journalists who do not share these beliefs,
too bad for you. I believe there's a
welfare office down the street.
Give me a call when you get your
head out of your ass and you're
ready to be a serious journalist.
And to The Montreal Gazette and
The Regina Leader-Post, why don't you
leave your bylines off your stories
indefinitely. That way I won't have to
read your stupid names when I read
your stupid stories.
There was a protest out front of
The Vancouver Spun offices recently,
protesting these and other such
things. One of the rabblerousers carried a sign reading "Quit wiping
your Asper on my paper!" Well, I've
got a sign for you: "Quit wiping your
whiny, hippie-pinko-Communist complaints on the respectable journalists
of this city!"
byappy@pacpress:southam.ca
LETTERS given to you, you just sit on your
asses all day and refuse to cook a guy
a meal. Come on, all those feminist
chicks say us guys shouldn't stare, but
without abundant topless women,
how will we learn not to?
JIMMY ARCHER
Delta
•
The poor destroy Kits!
Fm absolutely fed up! Is it too much
to ask that on a walk to Starbucks, I
might not be asked for spare change? I
moved to Kitsilano to get away from
this crap! And when I sit outside on a
restaurant patio, enjoying a glass of
sangria with my husband, I want to see
the scenery-not the vacant eyes of
some homeless dude! It's bad enough
that Kitsilano is full of transient university students, but homeless people
who just sit on the street? It's too
much. The other day, I was walking my
purebred dahnation to the doggy day
care and someone asked me for
money! I just can't take it anymore. I
came to Kits for the real-life, community feel, but I'm seriously thinking
about moving to Kerrisdale now!
LISA HAMILTON
Vancouver
•
Teachers not Orks
The Sun's coverage of the B.C.
Teachers' Federation's ongoing battles
with the provincial government has
been rather one-sided, painting teachers as if we were evil Orks from The
Lord of the Rings. Well, not true. We
only teach them.
SUE DICKSON
West Vancouver
•
Cyclists go home!
When my son asked for a bicycle for
Christmas, I laughed in his face. The
wife said I was being harsh, but I
ignored het Why? Because cyclists are
some of the lowest, saunmiest, dirtiest
low-grades in society and I won't allow
my son to adopt their lifestyle. They
dog up the roads and act as if they're
bloody cars, switching lanes and wearing lights and stuff. Instead of letting
my son give in to those hippy leanings
of youth (for which I blame B.C.'s teachers), I took my son driving and taught
him how to surprise lady cyclists by
slapping them on the ass. He looked as
happy as I did when my daddy took me
poaching for the first time. Laws may
change over the years, but bike helmets
can't stop good dean fun.
HAROLD WOLANIUK
Richmond
•
THE VANCOUVER SPUN
BRUCE LEBRUCE/VANCOUVER SPUN
Just when you thought you could walk shoeless in the park.
SECTION
AND BRITISH COLUMBIA
IMPZYZNOW.M.WAVGZESWORMINSESZff.e.d.Wz aWNW M'.W...MI:NaTOMINORAWKAMMOMM:MiffaMM.WATAF
.ifgerge
CITY EDITOR: HARRY MUNROPITS 604-605-2444
FINAL WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002
HAPPY EASTER!
FROM CECIL TO CEMENT
Lumiere chef Rob Weenie hops to it with this
holiday hare. Page B9
Local actress plunges from near stardom and
Burrard Street bridge. Page B5
Kazemi killed in rap-related ang war
By ANDREW MARKES
AN AMS HACK/STUDENT COUNCIL
Shake ya ass! Watch yo self!
Vancouver
exclusive
Students at University of
British Columbia were stunned
this week at the news that former Alma Mater Society (AMS)
president, Erfan Kazemi was
killed in a drive-by shooting in
central Inglewood, California.
Kazemi had recently joined
the rap group Westside Connection, and police suspect the affliation is related to his slaying.
His decision to join Westside
came after he was cut from Popstars 2 late last year.
"It was his dancing that killed
him," said Ivan Molotov, the
show's choreographer. "He looked
like he had a pickle up his ass."
After a severe bout of depression after being eliminated,
Kazemi turned to gangsta rap.
In a rare interview earlier this
year Kazemi told The Vancouver
Spun that joining Westside was
a natural extension of his career
at UBC.
"After running the show at
[Place] Vanier and then dominating the AMS, I really feel like
I can keep moving up, you know
what Fm saying?" said Kazemi.
"Everybody knows that gangsta's
make the world go 'round and I
really feel like a big fish in a small
pond here. Everyone else seems
like a buncha guppies."
Kazemi made a name for himself by pumping out rhymes on
the streets of the UBC campus
in between classes and AMS executive meetings. He was often seen
jamming with that flute guy in
the funky hat, drawing large
crowds to hear Kazemi expound
on his qualities as a president
and the inability of all the other
"pretenders" to "touch this shit."
Ice Cube, one of the founders
of Westside, was greatly impressed
with Kazemi's lyrics.
"That homeboy could really
put the dis out," Cube said. "His
rough shots at Cypress Hill and
student newspapers were the shit,
yo. It's just a damn shame that
he couldn't get his ass on the
ground faster. That's what you
get when you come from such a
soft city like Vancouver."
It is suspected by the Los
Angles Police Department that
either members of Cypress Hill
or fans of said group were responsible for the drive-by slaying.
"Witnesses reported a large
cloud of marijuana smoke trailing the vehicle in question, which
was a green 1957 Chevy on
hydraulics," said LA Police Officer Ian Knightstik.
Purging and breast implants
lookingfood,:
o
'11 Gotham
Malcolm Pervy
From the inside
Tomorrow, Vancouver Spun
reporter Chris Smuttall-Nith
will file the first in a series of
dispatches from outside the
Vancouver downtown core.
Look in Thursday's paper for
Smuttall-Nith's full-length feature on the bustling, dusty halls
of Burnaby's Metrotown Mall.
Read as Smuttall-Nith surfaces
from the hot, musky depths of
the Metrotown SkyTrain station only to be faced by a gang
of unruly youths with cellular
phones.
In fact, Smuttall-Nith's
undercover reports on mallrat culture across Metrotown
Centre's men's bathrooms, commonly regarded as the premier
meeting-place for Vancouver's
most dangerous mall rats, has
already created a stir in Lower
Mainland mall-security circles.
The Vancouver Spun originally planned to send Smuttall-Nith, a reporter with the
newspaper for the past two
years, to Afghanistan to cover
American and Canadian troop
actions. He managed, however,
to fuck up his visa applications
and get kicked out. Whatever.
Metrotown, Shaughnessy,
Kerrisdale, White Rock: What
does central Asia have that
Vancouver can't top? From
Beirut to Burnaby, Chris Smuttall-Nith keeps us in touch with
the darkest corners of the
world.
•
CLAUDIA CLEVAGE has a
solution for those who want that
buxom look without the fuss of
expensive breast implants: 'bust'
Bow Down when you come to my town
Bow down when we west-ward bound
cuz we ain't no haters like you
Bow Down to some homies that's greater than you.
I'm not paying for
yo' lazy ass
Pete McSmartass
CHRIS SMUTTALL-NITH
JENNI KIPPER wanted to look
good before attending the opening of Indifference, a retrospective of the work of German video
artist, Kluntz, appearing now at
(f)art gallery. Kipper, who had a
tiny dress to fit into, regularly
`empties the fridge' to look extra
skinny (and therefore hot!). "Purging makes it easy to live my life
the way I want and still look
great." Here's to innovation!
•
DARREN PALETHORPE isn't
just any local actor: he's set to
star as Benjamin in the Stanley's
`mounting' of The Graduate and
play opposite Bea Arthur as Mrs
Robinson. "I'm totally psyched
about playing opposite one of
the Golden Girls. I even asked
Estelle Getty for tips on working with Bea. I think it's gonna
be great." Toronto gets Kathleen
Turner and we end up with
Dorothy Zbornak. I hate this
town.
MARLON SMITH/WEST SIIIIIIIDEI
)
.,,-
\
i
out at home! Clevage, an entrepreneur with an eye for curves
has recently launched rits TM, her
line Of do-it-yourself breast
implants. She's helped a number
of her best buds look their finest
for big, exclusive events that only
sweaty, middle-aged reporters
like myself would have access to.
•
DYLAN knows how to 'blow'
off a little steam after a night of
partying hard. Dylan, Vancouver's newest celebrity hair-stylist, was caught outside of
+loading+bay+, an ultra-exclusive after-hours speakeasy to
which I just happen to have exclusive access. He and his ladyfriend,
Chat, indulge in a little Bolivian
Marching Powder, which is—you
know — totally casual. It, like,
happens all the time. No big deal.
Talcoimpervy@shataca
604-929-8456
Dylan, Chal, above, hit the
lines after a night of assshaking. Claudia Clevage,
below, shows off her T'itsT.r4
Jenni Kipper, bottom left,
'empties the fridge' before
the big do.
The chorus of complaints from teachers, nurses, single
mothers, students,
welfare recipients,
independent legal
boards, the blind, the
disabled, seniors, the
poor, minorities, etc.
has become ever so
tiresome.
Is it just me and Gordon Campbell, or are any other right-wing
middle-aged white males starting
to think, to heck with them all?
First, it was those greedy teachers fighting for Michael Jordanesque wages and smaller class
sizes. Then it was doctors, striking because the government had
to break a few stupid contracts.
And throughout it all, there's
those omnipresent unions at
every fucking protest that the
journalists with less seniority
than me have to cover.
In Delta, my neck of the woods,
some people are freaking out
because the government proposed
closing the hospital's emergency
ward at nights. These people are
going to give themselves a heart
attack! And then they're going
Stuck in the singles scene? Need a gimick for a party? Why not rent a baby? Everybody loves a baby!
We offer only the cutest babies, for all your dating and party needs:
— You can test drive a car, can't you? Shouldn't you be allowed to try a baby out for a while, before getting one for real?
— Want to shock that ex-boyfriend who wants to see you again? Your new son or daughter make a great conversation starter!
— Take a baby to your next party, you're guaranteed to be a hit with the ladies with your "nephew" at your side
visit www.littledarling.com/rental
to search by ethnicity, age, sex and special talents. Disclaimer: "cookies, diapers and stories not included.'
to complain again because "the
hospital's too far away." Fucking
crybabies. What if little Johnnie
accidently shoots little Susie at
8:01pm again? An extra twentyminute drive to another hospital with an overcrowded
emergency ward and overworked
nurses?
I see my words as a breath of
fresh air. I believe I speak for the
common man when I say that Fm
sick of seeing these protesters
get upset about every little thing
bus strikes, tuition hikes, taking
money from tykes. Suck it up!
Out here in Delta, a lot of people see the real world. A few days
ago, my neighbour told me he is
actually in favour of the cutbacks.
He is a normal, working guy who
lives in the real world, where the
several successful businesses he
owns, not the government, pay
his salary. Like most people, he
pays for Christmas and vacations
down south with Crown contracts
— he has a speechwriting deal
with a Minister of Health.
Anyway, living by his wits, my
neighbour decided to e-mail the
Premier and let him know that
at least one person in BC, besides
Jimmy Pattison and yours truly,
thinks he is doing a good job.
All of those people protesting
outside the provincial Legislature complaining that the Premier doesn't give a damn about
B.C. citizens would be shocked
to know my neighbour got a personal response! The very next
day!
My neighbour told me that
Campbell broke down in the email. Even Jesus Christ was
killed when He brought truth
to the world, so it makes sense
that the prophetic voice of Gordon Campbell would meet a bit
of adversity.
"You've got to help us out,"
Campbell wrote. "This tax cut
thing is killing me. And Gary
Collins is ready to quit and go
back to that flying school where
I found him. I might have to get
an actual economist or something
to be finance minister."
Li 'Darling
THE VANCOUVER SPUN
.ZU
B2
gla....?aCiEMESEENEEMEEM::: a'A
fffffi
5.14,64.4MAWNEOMMAte.
4
eaffr
ar NA Ai, ef
EDITOR I1JCY HYSLOP 64605-209/ FAX WI-605-2521/ E-mail [email protected]
Victoria-native Nelly Furtado to take
, well deserved rest after crazy
international two-song tour
The past week has been a terrifying
ordeal for Nelly Furtado. Fans in Zurich
and Kathmandu booed Furtado off stage
after they realized she could only sing two
songs.
Even the amazing pyrotechnics could not
distract fans from noticing that the show
was only 20 minutes long. Fans first showed
their displeasure during her opening song
when she came out onstage in a tight,
tummy-bearing shirt.
"That's not the same midriff I saw in
FHM magazine!" protested Henrich Spleendich, an outraged fan, during Furtado's
show in Zurich.
"She's a lot oranger in person, too," he
added with disgust.
After the show, in an exclusive interview
with Swiss newspaper Das Spung, Furtado
was quite happy that someone had noticed
the midriff switch. "I thought only my exboyfriends would notice," she giggled.
"I've had a lot of boyfriends, actually,"
she said. "Male attention makes me feel
important, more important than that bitch
Alicia Keys for stealing the new artist award
from me. She must have been sleeping with
a judge."
After a little probing from Das Sprung,
Furtado reluctantly admitted that perhaps
she just wasn't as good as Keys.
"I'm from Vancouver Island," she said,
"And people there are suckers for local talent so they just think I'm good. I don't try
to understand it, I just take advantage of
Sun Pop Music Critic
kmold@pacpre,ss.southam.ca
Nelly Furtado, formerly of
Victoria, has won a Grammy
Award, played with Missy
Elliott, opened for U2 and
toured the globe, all on the
strength of two admitedly
r IT1 q010c0TP songs;
Celebrating what's ours
Homegrown movies are a great path to
connecting with our national identity
It's hard to compete with
the Oscars, with all that dental work and collagen. But
after enduring those hours of
Oscar coverage, it's time we
Canadians celebrated something that's ours — Canadian
classics that don't bend to the
will of the deep, deep pockets of the American moviemaking machine. So here it
is, an informal list of Canuck
celluloid that does what we
do best.
Porky's. Forget Goin' Down
the Road or Mon Oncle Antoine,
the movie that put Canadian
film on the map is this Sly and
eye-opening little opus. Its
tender treatment of the coming-of-age story brought this
film attention from around
the world.
Porky's II: The Next Day. No
shower scene, but still heartwarmingly tender.
Air Bud 4: Seventh Inning
Fetch. This film deftly exam-
ines the alienation that lies at
the heart of Canadians' psyche. Here a dog tries to play
baseball — harsh. A departure
SPOTLIGHT
Double Oscar win is
payback for slavery
With Halle Berry and Denzel Washington receiving Oscars last Sunday, the
Academy feels it can finally close the
door on slavery's ugly legacy in the
United States.
"Well Denzel got one and Halle got
one, so I say that makes up for it. That
averages out to about one Oscar for
every hundred years of African-American servitude," said Academy President
Chris Goulet
"If you add on Sydney Poitier's 'Oscar,
we've not only made up for slavery but
that whole nasty business with the Ku
Klux Klan as well," he added.
Scott Hayward, another Academy
member, called the awards a step in the
right direction. "Maybe now Spike Lee
will stop making all those dumb films,"
he said. "I mean, c'mon! Summer of
Sam!?"
• Associated Press
Murphy to do
birthday parties
As a follow up to his recent success
as the voice of a donkey in the animated
movie Shrek, former Hollywood star
Katherine Bunk
Umpire Stan.
Meatballs. A careful meditation on the female form. This
film expands on the territory
explored in Porky's by emphasizing ass over tits. Stunning.
Meatballs 3. The Meatballs
series returns to Canada for
its third installment — and
-what a triumphant return!
Saving face after the travesty
that was (the American-made)
Meatballs II, George Mendeluk
takes the helm from Canadian
from the previous films in the director Ivan Reitman to show
Air Bud series, this film ben- just how pleasing toilet
efits from the presence of humour can be.
Steve Guttenberg, whose
Degrassi: 40Years Later. The
depth brings an emotional kids of Degrassi have grown
fragility to the character of old, but they are still growing
Eddie Murphy has announced plans to
start doing birthday parties.
"For the low price of $50,000, I'll come
to your party dressed as donkey. Imagine the look on your child's face when
he sees me," said Murphy in a press conference Tuesday.
Murphy says he believes the uniqueness of his performance will make him
a hit. To date, no other cartoon characters have made regular home visits to
fans.
"Do you think any of those chumps
at Disney visit little boys and girls? Don't
think so," he said.
Associated Press
Lucas to become weapons
consultant for Pentagon
George Lucas, the creator of Star
Wars, will soon be developing weapons
for the Pentagon, announced U.S.
Department of Defense representative
General Lyndon Booker yesterday.
"George is a dreamer and comes up
with brilliant ideas for weapons' platforms. Take a look at those giant walkers in The Empire Strikes Back. The
Afghan's would shit their pants if they
saw one of those walking towards
them," Booker said.
"He's a brilliant military strategist
to boot. The Ewoks, a primitive tribe
of fuzzy Jim Henson creatures, were
able to fight off imperial storm troop-
Nickelback
armed to
the teeth
By JEREMY HANDLER
of local boys, the Moffatts, that made her
want to be a star. After meeting her manager during a lonely night at a bar, her
career was on its way.
"He's kind of a dick but he's making me
a lot of cash," she said of her manager.
Furtado has also come under recent
attack by parents' organizations who feel
her image is sending the wrong message
to teenage girls.
"My mom wouldn't let me watch her in
concert because she wears those big hoop
earrings. You know what those kinds of girls
are like," said Molly Lum, a Vancouver
teenager.
"She looks like a whore!" said Lum's
mother, Ann. "I mean, only pregnant teenage
girls wear earrings like that!"
But nevertheless, Furtado does have fans
that are sticking by her side. Two 14-yearolds from Sooke hawked tickets to her
recent concert in Victoria by telling fellow
students that *NSYNC would be there.
"I just appreciate that I have fans who
try to propel my career," she said, "even if
it is only two."
"Two's a good number," she added, "I like
it."
Furtado said it was the 7vg d" snccess
V. *Ake., rs:
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002
Coming. .back home
By KERRY MOLD
AR?,
ers. It was brilliant. If we'd had someone like him on our side we might've
won Vietnam," he added.
Although much of Lucas's work will
be classified, the Pentagon did reveal
one of his projects.
"It's not a moon. It's a space station
- one with a big ray that we can use to
vaporize planets. It should end once
and for all the debate over nuclear
missile defense" Booker said.
Associated Press
Midget Actors'
Union criticizes
Tolkien trilogy
Representatives from the Midget
Actors' Union (MAU) have criticized
Peter Jackson for his adaptation of
The Lord of the Rings.
"Using computer graphics to
replace legions of talented midget
actors does a great disservice to both
the acting industry and the state of
midget affairs in North America,"
said union President Charlie Cho.
"Dwarves, hobbits, evil goblins:
these are all roles that have traditionally gone to actors of short stature.
CGI is ruining our livelihood," Cho
said.
The MAU has called for a boycott
of the remaining Tolkien films. "We're
willing to picket and protest. We've
got nothing left to lose," he said.
up. Joey learns the importance
of eating well after Dr. Spike
performs a prostate check.
And who could forget the
akwardness the twins go
through when one reaches
menopause before the other.
A drive down memory lane
never felt so great.
Dragula. Haunting, positively haunting. The tortured
soul of a transvestite vampire
is something which all Canadians implicitly understand.
Dragula is an example of the
horror genre rendered into a
beautiful, vital examination
of our times.
Spun Movie Critic
[email protected]
Neither Peter Jackson nor the distributors of the Lord of the Rings films
could not be reached for comment.
The Canadian music industry has turned on him. His
band broke up. His last album
sucked. Just when we thought
it couldn't get any worse for
Matthew Good, it has.
Apparently, Nickelback
frontman Chad Kroeger meant
it when he told Rolling Stone
last year that Matthew Good
had better watch his back. The
Canadian Security Intelligence
Service (CSIS) issued a report
to the Prime Minister yesterday confirming that Kroeger
purchased 12 uzis, five grenade
launchers and 18 kevlar vests
last week from an unnamed
Internet vendor from Iran.
CSIS has been monitoring
Kroeger's Internet activity
ever since the fledgling hacker
sabotaged a MuchMusic online
chat session featuring his rival,
Matt Good. Since then, CSIS
has found records showing that
the Alberta-bred Kroeger
made over 15 international
weapons purchases, including
one for a small shipment of
stinger missies from Kazakhstan.
For now, CSIS is sitting on
the information because Nickelback is actually making it
big in the. U.S.—something
quite rare for a Canadian band.
The Prime Minister has urged
CSIS to back off, saying that
Nickelback's success in the
U.S. particularly in Texas, is
facilitating cross-cultural communication between himself
and President Bush' during
these tense times of war.
When The Vancouver Spun
caught up with Matthew Good
by telephone, he said the latest CSIS reports on Kroeger
haven't fazed him.
"That bastard doesn't have
anything on me," Good said
from inside his home, where
he has been in hiding since
late February. The small house
in Vancouver is surrounded by
two electric cattle fences,
which have already caused
near-fatal injuries to six neighborhood children who were trying to sneak onto Good's
backyard trampoline.
In an interview with The Vancou v er Spun two weeks ago,
Kroeger unveiled maps of
Good's residence, along with
a detailed attack plan that
would involve seven different
kinds of weaponry.
Kroeger's office in his new
Hollywood Hills home overlooks a massive backyard
where over 100 groupiesturned-soldiers are undergoing intense guerrilla warfare
training.
Wearing nothing but a bloodred satin robe, Kroeger chuckled menacingly as he looked
over the blueprints of Good's
house.
"That little fucker is going
down. The hunter always finds
his weasel," he said.
Reuters
Boy-group *NJAIL
breaks up
Citing creative differences, members
of boy-group *NJAIL have decided to
go solo. The five-man group, known for
hit songs like "Who cares if we didn't
write it, we can dance" and "It's not
my joint" announced yesterday in a
press conference that the bandmates
were going their separate ways.
"I think it's time that we moved on,"
said band member and teen heartthrob
Tom Peacock. "These guys are all my
friends and I want them to stay that
way. We've just hit a point in our careers
were we need some freedom to move
in different directions."
"This is, like, the worst thing ever!"
said Alicia Miller, 13, president of the
*NJAIL fan club.
"This is something that's been corning for a long time and I'm glad that
it ended like this, with us on top!" said
another member Ron 'Pip' Nurwisah
*NJAIlls two albums Breaking Out
and Laundry Duty both went platinum
in the U.S. and Canada. Their third and
final album, Penetr8, is due for release
later this year.
Canadian Press
Matthew Good attempted to
invoke the federal Irony Act,
by requesting that it not look
`bad' for him. Dumbass.
SECTION
THE VANCOUVER SPUN
D
4,4 44444,
..4,44VAY44:~ZW,440,
EDITOR WCY HYSLOP 604-605-2037/ FAX 604-605-2521 /
[email protected]
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27, 2002
DENNIS HOWARTH/VANCOUVER SPUN
Running for the bus to train for the Vancouver Spun Run.
Road to the Spun Run(tm)
by LINDON LIGHT
In Januarg The Vancouver Spun
selected a regular young adult,
UBC student Paul Clark, and registered him in our expert-approved
training preparation program for
the 2002 Spun Run. With this
training schedule, and with topflight equipment provided by The
Spun (see advertising supplement
for more details), we hope to bring
out the athlete within him,
whether he likes it or not. This is
part 12 in a 16-part series.
Today, we give you another
snapshot of Paul's ongoing rollercoaster ride of physical, emotional and mental tribulations.
With only four weeks before the
big race, the 2002 Vancouver
Spurr Run(tiii); we' catch Paul
between training sessions, trying to chew a Powerbar(tm)
(donated by The Spun).
"This is about ten times harder
than I thought it would be," Paul
sighs. "Not the Powerbar, that is.
The whole running thing. The
Powerbars have been okay,
thanks."
A busy University student,
Paul says that he doesn't always
have time to put in the twice-
daily workouts prescribed by The
Spun's expert coaching consultants.
"Did I do my long run this
morning? Not exactly," he
laments. "I was up late watching the game, and then trying to
put in some work on my term
paper, so I kind of slept in. But
I totally had to book it to catch
the bus to campus, so I counted
that as yesterday's short run."
Paul has not always attended
to The Spun's training plan so
diligently, however.
"I read the whole training plan
on the first day of my program,
and lots of it is just a waste of
my time," says Paul. "Like, honestly, a 30-minute warm-up walk,
then a-tèri-diimitd jog, trier[ a 20,
miridtë cool down: walk? Are you
joking? Walking around for an
hour isn't gonna get me through
your 10k run." He continued, visibly frustrated. "Fm hoping that
a friendly taxi will get me
through it, honestly"
Clark draws his enthusiasm
from many sources, including
inspirational athletes he has met.
"In first year, I had this one
roommate in [LTBC residence]
Totem [Park], who was, like, into
varsity cross-country and stuff.
He totally motivated me," Paul
reminisces. "I mean, not exactly
to get up at 5:30 every morning.
And definitely not to stick to a
strict hi-carb diet or whatever.
And not really so much to be running all the time. But it was
totally motivating when he'd
always have new medals and
stuff, totally motivating."
Indeed.healthy admiration of
his discipline's very best athletes
keeps Paul focused on his Spun
Run goals. Even when a cold
forced him to skip an evening
run this week, Paul's mind was
on running. By renting Disney's
Endurance from Blockbuster
Video(tm) (see advertising supplement), Paul- was able to put
his down-time to good use.
"I heard that all the usual Spun
Run winners are from Kenya, or
Ethiopia or wherever: so I thought
I'd watch that flick about the one
dude, to see what their deal is,
maybe change my training even,"
he says.
Although impressed by what
he learned, Paul is realistic about
modifying The Spun's plan this
late in the program.
"I was like, fuck that!" he
explains. "I'm not running any
goddamn 20 kilometres a day,
and Pm sure as hell not doing it
barefoot."
Instead, Paul strives for consistency. Although he has not
been able to lengthen his long
runs according to The Spun's program, he cross-trains by playing
intramural volleyball, and lifting weights once a week.
"You might not guess it, but I
used to be pretty ripped, back
in the day," says Paul, modestly.
"I've totally gone downhill since
I got into partying and whatnot,
but I try to maintain some muscle size. Just for the ladies, you
know."
Paul also sticks to the exclusive, Vancouver Spun- recommendation of drinking eight cups
of water each day.
"That hydration thing is a good
plan, and pretty easy for me to
work into my schedule. I usually
put away a few cups of H-two-O
after I go drinking, and I think
that makes me way less hungover for class the next morning."
Not all of The Spun's training
methods come so naturally to
Paul, though. Use of a heart-rate
monitor a training tool commonly
employed by international-calibre runners, came as a foreign
concept to our fledgling
endurance athlete.
"Frankly, that heart-rate monitor is a silly piece of shit," says
Paul. "I'll be out running, like
sweating and everything, and it
says I'm not even in my 'training range' Then I'm in my English exam, trying to remember
something about Titus, like anything whatsoever about Titus,
and the thing's beeping like crazy.
I got kicked out of the room
before I even finished my introduction. Thanks a lot,Vancouver
Spun." '
True, the trials of the competitive athlete are many, but
the inspiration is immense. The
Vancouver Spun promises to
show you every one of Paul's
painful steps toward personal
victory. See next week's Road to
the Spun Run(tm), where we'll
find Paul as he joins the Athletics Canada national endurance
group for a high-altitude training camp in Switzerland. For this
endeavour, we will be outfitting
him with the very best in New
Balance(tm) running shoes (see
advertising supplement).
Famous skaters have freakish. baby!
Sale and Pelletier blush over bluish child
By DOUG BORED
Canada's most celebrated couple, David
Pelletier and Jaime Sale, had their first
child at 3:17pm Eastern time yesterday.
The unusual events surrounding the surprise birth, however, have piqued people's curiosity around the world.
"I was totally shocked," Sale told
reporters after a quick recovery in the
maternity ward. "I didn't even know I was
pregnant. All I know is, I was out on the
ice yesterday, giving it my all. And now I
have a baby. It's so weird. He's blue, and
that's weird, too."
Other absurdities have caused the-hard
fans of the skater couple to question the
true paternity of the child.
"Pelletier and I have never even done
the deed," said Sale, visibly confused. "In
fact, I haven't seen any action since that
wild night in Lillehammet"
Many medical experts have also noted
that it is odd a bouncing baby, with a
birthweight of 401bs, 2oz., could actually
have come from Sales small frame. Added
to comments by doctors and family
friends who, claim the baby resembles
an octopus more than either Sale or Pelletier, the birthweight question has
prompted wide speculation about the
origins of the child.
"Jaime Sale was obviously impregnated
by the Russians in a ploy to destroy our
celebrity romance," Pelletier said furiously. "The choking responsibility of parenthood will hinder our ability to milk
our Olympic gold for all it's worth in
endorsement deals."
"Fat chance was Sale's reply. "We're
the biggest Canadian export since Celine
Dion. Ain't nothing gonna slow us down!"
Sale and Pelletier have denied media
access to the baby, however. In fact, only,
the couple, their friends, medical staff
and a small group from the FBI who visited the skaters' home this morning have
even seen the child.
"This is all just a publicity stunt" said
Tonya Harding during a rehearsal for her
next appearance on Celebrity Boxing.
"They should really be talking about
me in the news still. Whose ass do I have
to kick these days to make a decent living? They're not even real winners you
know. Judging mistake my ass. It's cause
they're pretty."
But we just couldn't resist an opportunity to run another story on this sweet
adorable couple.
IKE TIGHTS/VANCOUVER SPUN
Sale and Pelletier after what was probably a clean but losing performance.
Do the
Dew
Mountain
Dewflavoured
snow
unveiled
By DANNY ARSEKISS
Sweet-toothed skiiers everywhere had new reason to rejoice
yesterday when Pep sico
spokespersons announced a
breakthrough in snow-making
technology: Mountain Dew
flavoured snow.
"This'll be the tastiest yellow
snow ever, and I've eaten a lot
in my lifetime," said spokesperson Gillian Howe at a press conference yesterday in Vail,
Colorado.
Howe then removed a giant
blue tarp covering the mysterious large box behind her to reveal
the Dew 2100, a Mountain Dew
snow machine.
"Kids on the slopes are all
about 'Doing the Dew' rm, but
until now, they've had a huge
problem," she said. "Optimal
boarding conditions require subzero temperatures, but when it's
freezing out, normal Mountain
Dew is rock solid. Until today.
"Do the Dew," Howe added.
Assembled punks, hicks and
ski bums greeted the Dew 2100
enthusiastically.
"Shit, man. That's so cool," hillbilly Jimmy Hicks said: "Like,
they must have some phat scientists to come up with dat shit."
"Sweeeeeeeeet," agreed high
school drop-out Pete Barker.
Local ski resort Grouse Mountain was listed as one of the 50
hills in North America to be
equiped with the Dew 2100 next
season. Grouse spokesperson
Anna King said the resort is
eager to provide the latest in
Dew technology to the Vancouver public
"People sure don't come up
here for the runs alone." she said.
"Yellow snow has always been
remarkably popular."
Crawford blames poor performance on voodoo
By GARRY FREEMASON
RCMP Constable Ann Dreaded held
a press conference downtown yesterday
to share with the public devilson an
investigation
nvestigation currently underway onVancouver's own NHL team.
Investigators were appalled two weeks
ago when they answered an anonymous
tip regarding "suspicious" material found
in the Canucks' dressing room.
"I saw some really weird behavior
going on in the dressing rooms before
games" said a GM Place custodian, who
wished to remain nameless. "I don't really
like to repeat it, because it was so horrific," he continued, "but I saw them eating what looked like raw cow hearts and
dancing around a blazing pentagram on
the dressing room floor. I blew chunks
right there...I just couldn't take it"
Upon entering the dressing room, the
RCMP found what Dreaded called "a
heinous, disgusting display of bad sportsmanship." Amidst the usual smell of
dank, stale body-odor and leftover
Chunky chicken soup was the unmistakable odor of burnt human hair.
DNA testing confirmed that the
hair found in the makeshift dressing
room fire pit belonged to Coach Marc
Crawford.
This turn of events is most surprising, said Dreaded, seeing as how
"voodoo magic is traditionally used
against the opposing teams, not against
yourselves." She added that the Canucks
have always been "typical jocks," but
that this display of "blatant stupidity"
was exceptional.
In a special Vancouver Spun report last
year, we found that superstition is at an
all-time high in the world of professional
sports. Top-notch athletes like Venus
Williams, Tiger Woods and Hulk Hogan
have admitted that superstitions have
helped advance their sporting careers.
However, many voodoo experts are
dumbfounded by the Canucks misuse
of sacred voodoo magic. Lulu Laymon,
president of, the B.C. chapter of the
Voodoo Practitioners Union, said the
Canucks have further shamed a religion that has continually come under
attack by "fools who just don't understand." She added that members of
the union will be congregating outside
GM Place tonight to perform a special
cursing ritual.
Crawford, who was present at the press
conference, surprised the media by saying that he was relieved by the dressing room discovery. The Canucks coach,
who was recently diagnosed with a rare
hair loss disorder, as well as a number
of other serious health complications,
says he has a "hunch" that these ailments will be cured now that the voodoo
has stopped.
Crawford added that this bizarre
case of "reverse , voodoo" might be
the reason behind the Canucks' poor
performance. But if Laymon has her
way, the Canucks' performance will
only worsen.
z
Getting rid of prostitution — and prostitutes!
restitution has long
been a problem for Vancouverites. Streetwalkers have always made
OUT streets less attractive, what
0 with the gaudy make up and
too-tall boots. But what to do
about it? We've tried to punish
the
pimps, we've tried to pun=
ish the johns and, lord knows,
we've tried to punish the prostitutes, all with little success.
We've tried to move them, we've
made it harder for them. It
seemed like nothing would
work. Actually,'nothing' did work!
That's right—doing nothing
worked like a charm, especially
when prostitutes from the Down.town Eastside started disappearing.The less we did,the more
they disappeared.ln fact, we didz
E
n't do anything until people got
grouchy and started to complain.
So then we went to some pig
farm in the boonies we had heard
about years ago and arrested
some guy that women's centres
and prostitutes had told us about
a long time ago.
And it's all worked out.We got
rid of prostitutes, most of whom
were drug addicts anyway, and
we placated the people that
cared about them disappearing.
And the best part, Mayor Philip
Owen is resisting calling an
inquiry into the way we've handled the case.Thanks Phil. Maybe
you aren't such a lame duck
mayor after all!
If only we could get those
junkies todisappear as easily as
the prostitutes did!
Who needs constitutionally
protected freedoms?
We at the VPD think that Vancouverites are a bunch of
ungrateful whining brats. You
think it's easy to shoot rubber
bullets into a crowd, beat up
protesters or seize hundreds of
bottles of alcohol in a single
night? It's tiring, back-breaking
work.
We know that searching your
backpack and seizing the alcohol you were planning to drink
at your friend's house while
watching the Symphony of Fire
is'constitutionaly illegal but we're
the police.WE make the laws, not
you! Just be grateful that we exercised a little bit of restraint and
didn't go Rodney King on all of
your ungrateful asses.
And we don't want to hear
another word about Vancouver
being a no-fun city! Since when
did you need alcohol to have
fun? You didn't need it to have
fun when you were 14 and you
certainly won't need it now that
you're all grown up!
The way we see it a fun city
means a city full of noise complaints, petty crimes and general no good. It just makes more
work for your boys in blue and
when we're overworked, we get
cranky.You don't want us cranky,
believe us! Believe VPD.
THE VANCOUVER SPUN
9
and roc ',king
success
elieveVPDTm
Global
Domination
Who needs diverse programmin
when you can watch Friends on
Global Domination!
I