POPULAR WITH THE TOURISTS
By Christopher Morse
Copyright © MMXII by Christopher Morse, All rights reserved.
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POPULAR WITH THE TOURISTS
POPULAR WITH THE TOURISTS
By Christopher Morse
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SYNOPSIS: Two men meet in Central Park. Jim is a tourist from Idaho,
having a wonderful first time in the Big Apple. He only has one
disappointment. So Jim hires Rocko - a professional who provides a very
particular service. For you see, Jim has been in the Big Apple for almost a
week without being mugged! Rocko is sent by an agency that exists precisely
to fill this need for thrill-seeking tourists. The result is a pleasant, lighthearted
comedy about doing crime and getting away with business.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 male, 1 either)
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JIM (m) .................................................. The voluntary victim, is a fairly large
man whose manner and dress
identify him as a tourist from a mile
off. He is earnest, good-natured,
something of a dork.
ROCKO (m/f) ........................................ A professional mugger who takes
pride in his work. He is a bit rough
about the edges but savvy and smart.
Although not without courtesy,
Rocko’s patience for his client is
wearing thin by the end. (Note that
Rocko is described as a middle-aged
Asian man, but with minor changes
to a few lines he could be played by
other races or ages – or could even
be a woman. It is only important that
he not be the “nineteen-year-old
punk type” that Jim is expecting.)
CHRISTOPHER MORSE
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SETTING
New York City, Central Park, present day.
SET, COSTUMES, TECHNICAL REQUIREMENTS
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Popular with the Tourists is played on a bare stage. Lighting is low. Jim’s
costume suggests a fish-out-of-water tourist and includes an overcoat. Rocko
is dressed in black, with leather jacket and stocking cap. Props consist of
Rocko’s weapons and the items he steals from Jim.
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AT RISE: Night in Central Park, New York City, the present. JIM, a
bulky man in an overcoat, stands waiting under a lamp, a little
apprehensive. After a moment, ROCKO, an Asian-American man
dressed all in black in “criminal” fashion, enters and greets JIM
pleasantly.
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ROCKO: Good evening.
JIM: (Startled, then smiles.) Oh, hi! Uh, you’re the guy? From the
agency?
ROCKO: Yes sir, I’m the guy from the agency.
JIM: (A bit puzzled and disappointed.) Ah…
ROCKO: I’m not late, am I?
JIM: No, I think I’m a few minutes early. (Extends his hand.) James
Talmadge. Jim.
ROCKO: (Shakes it.) Glad to meet you. Rocko.
JIM: R-Rocko?
ROCKO: My nom de guerre, as it were.
JIM: I see… (He still appears a bit puzzled and disappointed.)
ROCKO: (In no hurry, observing the cool, pleasant evening.) Is this
your first visit to the city?
JIM: Yeah, oh yeah. Always wanted to see New York, since I was a
kid, just never quite got around―
ROCKO: You’re from―Idaho, was it?
JIM: Uh-huh.
ROCKO: Boise?
JIM: Coeur d’Alene. That’s funny, you tell people you’re from Idaho,
they immediately think Boise.
ROCKO: I don’t think I’m familiar with Coeur d’Alene.
JIM: It’s in the panhandle, northern part of the state. Beautiful town in
the foothills of the Rockies. There’s a variety of recreational
opportunities: a world-class golf course, skiing, water sports― and
of course, we’re a thoroughly modern American city with many fine
dining and shopping facilities, as well as live theatre and―
ROCKO: (Smiles knowingly.) Jim, I bet you’re with the Chamber of
Commerce.
JIM: (Chuckles.) It shows, huh? And you stopped me before I could
mention the Coeur d’Alene Opera! (They both laugh pleasantly.)
ROCKO: Sounds like a nice town.
CHRISTOPHER MORSE
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JIM: Oh, wonderful place to live, nice folks. Of course―it’s not New
York. I mean, this is the place, right?
ROCKO: You’ve been enjoying your stay?
JIM: Oh my gosh! Empire State Building, Times Square, (Gestures to
the setting.) Central Park. Broadway―been to three shows, loved
‘em all. And the energy of the city, you just feel it.
ROCKO: Mm-hm.
JIM: Only…well, of course, the one disappointment…I don’t know,
maybe it’s a stereotype, but a person―somebody from out of
town―just naturally expects…
ROCKO: (Nods.) To get mugged.
JIM: The mugging! I figured an hour after I got off the plane I’d have a
gun in my ribs!
ROCKO: And back in the late 80s, early 90s, peak of the crack
epidemic, that certainly would have been the case. But violent crime
has absolutely plummeted in recent years. That’s where my agency
comes in.
JIM: Why is that, do you suppose? The crime plummet. Better police
work?
ROCKO: I think there’s a lot of factors. Policing, certainly, but also a
change in demographics. And just a general cultural shift―hard to
put my finger on it, precisely―people seem a little more civil these
days.
JIM: 9/11, I guess, could have contributed to that.
ROCKO: It brought the city together, absolutely. Hm… (Rubs his
hands together.) Well, Jim, shall we get to it?
JIM: Yeah, I guess. Only… (Again the puzzled, disappointed look).
ROCKO: Is something the matter?
JIM: Uh…well, no offense, Rocko, but you’re not exactly what comes
to mind when you think “mugger.” I figured some 19-year-old punktype. In my mind’s eye, an older Chinese man just isn’t…
ROCKO: My heritage is Japanese, actually.
JIM: Sorry.
ROCKO: And you know, you could have requested a specific age or
race when you called. Although that would have incurred a 20%
surcharge.
JIM: Mm, I wasn’t aware of that.
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POPULAR WITH THE TOURISTS
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ROCKO: I promise you, Jim, I am a fully qualified professional mugger
with over ten years’ experience. And the agency does offer a full
refund if you’re not satisfied with my performance.
JIM: Oh, well―okay, sure, let’s give it a go. I didn’t mean any offense.
ROCKO: None taken. Now, I do need to, uh, to collect… (His hand
out.)
JIM: Oh, right. (Reaches into his pocket.) Is a check all right?
ROCKO: We prefer cash.
JIM: (Fingering the check awkwardly.) I already wrote it out.
ROCKO: …That’s fine. (Accepts the check.)
JIM: Do you need some ID?
ROCKO: I’ll get it when I steal your wallet. (Slips the check into his
pocket.) Okay, all set?
JIM: Oh, could we start at the beginning? I mean, I’ll come along from
up the sidewalk, and you could be, like, skulking in the background?
ROCKO: “Skulking”?
JIM: Yeah, say over there in the shadows?
ROCKO: Um, sure, we can do that.
JIM: Okay, so I’ll― (He gestures L., then leaves the stage. ROCKO
does his best to skulk. JIM re-enters, strolling blithely along.) Dumde-dum-de-dum…
ROCKO: (Leaps into his path, wielding a knife, snarling.) Okay, buddy,
this is a stick up!
JIM: Whoah, whoah! Nobody said anything about a knife!
ROCKO: Jim, it’s a mugging, I have to―
JIM: No, Rocko, no knives, I’m sorry, I got a thing about sharp objects.
ROCKO: But―I mean, come on, you’re a pretty big guy, I can’t just
come at you with my bare hands.
JIM: Don’t you have a gun?
ROCKO: Oh sure, I’ve got a gun.
JIM: Use the gun, please?
ROCKO: No problem. Do over?
JIM: (Trotting off stage again.) From the top, Maestro! (ROCKO
returns to skulking. JIM re-enters.) Dum-de-dum-de-doo…
ROCKO: (Jumps out wielding a pistol.) Okay, buddy, this is a stick-up!
JIM: (Throwing up his hands.) Oh, don’t hurt me! I have a wife and
kids! (Aside.) How’s that?
CHRISTOPHER MORSE
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ROCKO: (Who is used to amateur performances, aside.) Not bad.
(Snarls.) Hand over your wallet if you ever want to see your wife
and kids again!
JIM: Sure, mister, I don’t want any trouble! (Surrenders his wallet;
aside.) Heh-heh, this is great!
ROCKO: (Pockets the wallet.) Now the watch! Hurry it up!
JIM: Okay, don’t shoot, mister, don’t shoot! (Removes his watch,
hands it over.)
ROCKO: (Pockets the watch.) What else you got? Any jewelry?
JIM: (Aside.) Ooh, should I have worn a gold chain or something?
ROCKO: (Aside.) Forget it. (Snarls.) How about your cell phone? Hand
it over!
JIM: Sure, mister, here it is!
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He extracts the cell phone, gestures for ROCKO to wait a second, uses
the phone to snap a photo of the two of them together; ROCKO smiles
and poses with the gun. They both examine the result, then ROCKO
snatches the phone out of JIM’S hand and pockets it.
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ROCKO: All right, turn around! Keep your hands up! (JIM obeys and
ROCKO begins patting him down.)
JIM: (Aside.) Wow, the gang at the Chamber won’t believe this!
What’re you doing?
ROCKO: (Aside.) Just checking if you’re concealing anything.
JIM: (Aside.) I don’t think I―there’s some loose change in my front
pocket.
ROCKO: (Aside.) You hold on to that. (He roughly spins JIM back
around, checks his coat pockets, holding the gun close.)
JIM: (Aside.) Hey, how about my coat?
ROCKO: (Aside.) Most muggers don’t take clothing.
JIM: (Aside.) Well, you could be the kind that does. It’s a two-hundreddollar coat.
ROCKO: (Aside.) Uh…okay, sure. (Snarls.) The coat, too, buddy, let’s
go!
JIM: Anything you say! Just don’t pull that trigger!
He slips off the bulky coat; ROCKO isn’t quite sure how to take it and
still hold the gun on
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POPULAR WITH THE TOURISTS
Thank you for reading this free excerpt from POPULAR WITH THE
TOURISTS by Christopher Morse. For performance rights and/or a
complete copy of the script, please contact us at:
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