My Life As A Hamburger
(Human Language is not translated.)
1
I am sorry to start this story off badly, but the title is completely
misleading. Well...yes, I am a hamburger. And yes, I had a life but it
isn’t about it! It is quite the opposite.
My name is Hammy and this is the story of how I died.
In the greasy kitchen of McDonalds, I was born (or as humans call it,
made) inside a warm, cosy little oven. The heat from the walls
bounced onto me. It made me feel toasty, my meat crackled, my
cheese fizzed, my bun face getting browner and softer. I would have
gladly stayed forever in the comfort of my oven when one of the
walls opened. The cold air from the outside rushed in. I was petrified,
frozen still. Who dared enter my oven without permission? But
before I could fight back, a large thing snatched me up and took me
away.
The creature I was faced with was terrifyingly ugly. Sweat dripping
down its face, large crackly lips and pimples that looked like the pus
from inside them would explode at any moment.
“Who are you?!” I commanded. “How dare you kidnap me?!”
“Jjewuejn. Rfufg eheruiccwiq.” The creature spat in my face. I could
feel its revolting saliva on my face.
“Are you mocking me?” My tomato sauce boiled in rage. But before I
could give it some butt-whooping, another foreign voice shouted:
“Herby! Igugttrtrjm! Uuddhnh da Hamburger feiwbueru!”
The creature who still had me in its sweaty palms rolled its eyes and
threw me in a red paper box.
I tried to stop hyperventilating. The box was moving and making me
feel sick. Whoa, Hammy. Calm down. You’ll get yourself out of this.
My lettuce leaves told me. I began to relax until the box was tossed
down onto a flat surface. The strange voices started up again.
A soft, adult voice was muffled because of the box as it spoke. “Snip
de Hamburger, ejddee.”
The roof of the box opened.
Large green eyes as bright as the sun stared at me ravenously. The
lips were licked, the nose sniffed in my scent. Was she going to...no,
there couldn’t be any cannibals here. Suddenly, the creature’s hands
attacked me, pulling and tearing me into halves. I screamed at the
top of my lungs. The excruciating pain was so unbearable. Tomato
sauce oozed out of my torn sides. The mouth opened and the
creature pulled me closer and closer to it.
IT WAS GOING TO EAT ME!
The mouth closed and I was left in darkness.
2
Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.
The gnashing teeth grinded me inside out into pieces. The pain still
stung but death was so near it didn’t matter. Bits of my body was
floating on the creatures tongue. A sesame seed tear ran down my
bun. I was going to die so young.
I was about to give in when bright lights shone my way. They
crowded me, giggling and tickling my body. One of the little things
addressed me.
“Hi,” It voiced was high-pitched and sweet like a child’s voice.
“Who-Who are you?” My mouth has been separated so I could only
think to it.
“I’m Annie the Amylase Enzyme.” It beamed at me. “I help my
brothers and sisters break down carbohydrates so the Body can
digest them properly.”
“Oh, okay. What are carbohydrates?” I asked.
Annie said “Oh, bread, potatoes, buns...so I’m pretty breaking you
down. Oh, it’s time for you to go. Bye bye.”
I was horrified. “Wait-what will happen now?!” I started to rock back
and forth down a large hole. The last time I ever saw Annie was as
she watched me fall down the long, dark tunnel.
Soon I landed in a large area filled with strange liquid. I counted
every bit of my body that had been broken off. 75 pieces of me were
floating around in this sea. Suddenly, out of the walls came bright
small creatures. They looked like Annie but a different colour. They
crawled up the meaty bits of me and started to break down and
shrivel them up.
“Hey! Stop that! Someone please tell me where I am!” I pleaded. One
of the ‘enzymes’ heard me and floated over.
“Howdy, I’m Peter the Protease Enzyme. I break down-”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You break up my meat so the Body can digest it
properly. I KNOW! But where am I?” I pleaded. “Will I stay here
forever?”
Peter sighed and took a large breath. “You are food. The Human,
which is the thing that ate you needs you to keep her full of energy.
Without food, the Human will die and everything in the Body,
including me, will also die. You were put in the mouth and
masticated and the amylase enzymes broke you down. Then you
travelled down the oesophagus and came into the stomach. This is
the stomach. The protein here must be broken down by me and the
acid that you are floating on will break you down even more.”
I tried to take in everything he had said. I had been sacrificed so this
Human could survive? How awful!
Suddenly, the liquid underneath started eating away at me. I broke
into smaller pieces, turning into nothing but a soggy blob.
“Help! HELP! It’s killing me! Get it off! What’s it doing to me?!” I
screamed at Peter in fear. He just smiled.
“It’s the acid. It’s breaking you down so you can go into the small
intestine. Sorry, got to go. Protein to break up. See you later.” Peter
bounced away as I was sucked into the walls and taken through
another tunnel. But instead of falling down, I was sliding horizontally.
So I kept dying slowly, each section I was broken down in took longer
and longer.
3
Peter had said that I was now in the small intestine. I was being
taken around so many twists and turns. Where was this intestine
leading to? I guess without any enzymes to talk to me, I wouldn’t
know.
Enzymes. They weren’t very polite, were they? They broke me down
and left me to be whisked away to another section of the body with
nothing but a chirpy “Bye.”. I guess they were so busy breaking up
other Hamburgers that they only had little time to talk. Soon the
tube (small intestine) got larger in width. The large intestine. I could
bounce my small, blobby bits of me around on the walls. Some parts
of me were so minuscule that they went straight through the walls.
I knew that it was the end now. I was so broken up and distorted that
I could finally die. There were only two blobs of me left when a thin
slit opened up and we barged through. Goodbye.
Epilogue
Tatiana sat on the toilet, kicking her legs back and forth,
singing a song.
“La de da
La de da
The poopies should come out now.
Went through the mouth as food
I chewed it all up and it went down down down
Down the oesophagus that led to the stomach
The stomach acid broke it all up
Through the small and large intestine
Then out my bum
And that’s how it all works!”
When she had finished her business, Tatiana pulled up her
pants and looked at the fine piece of work.
“Mummy, Mummy,” she squealed in delight. “Come see,
Mummy! My hamburger I ate is in the toilet!”
THE END
By Tallulah