Rotary
June 19, 2012
Our Motto: Are Blue Footed Boobies Insulted By Their Name?
Porterville Rotary Club’’s Unofficial and Unauthorized Underground Newsletter
Straight Arrow Goes Crooked Edition
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
At 12:32 p.m. President Straight Arrow Fletcher rang his last bell,
announcing the beginning of the end.
Lloyd Tturner voiced the invocation.
Spectacles Spencer failed to hear
himself announced as leading the
Pledge, but quickly jumped to the helm
when Poor Me Resa yelled it in his ear.
Jimmy Howl directed what turned out
to be a chant of the verse of “In the
Good Ole Summertime,” as no one was
acquainted with it. Leafless Tree filled
in for John Gnash as greeter along with
Ms. Teri1.
Stunned and chagrined at having to stand next to such
a specimen, The Howler does his best to hold it
together through the song>
After only 51 weeks of practice, Straight Arrow finally got the opening of
the meeting correct2 by introducing guests and calling for visiting Rotarians.
1
Who had a flashback, thinking that she was president, greeter, announcer, introducer, program and proud
grandparent all rolled into one.
2
Albeit late, consistent with his standard practice.
Leafless Tree introduced his wife Janette, Donnette Silva Carter introduced Amber
Bush and Ms. Teri3 introduced Oscar Arroyo, Mary Crocker and either Corina or
Trina4 Arroyo, students we sent to Camp Royal. Krazy Krase introduced Pani
Zamora, former president of our Interact
Club, who currently attends Sacramento State
University. We recently funded her trip to
Mexico, on which she will present a program
in two weeks5.
Finally unable to stand it any longer, an angry Howler pounds
the table in frustration while our immoral president pollutes the
minds of the youth present>
MOMMY, MOMMY, CAN I GET
MARWIED?
Spectacles
Spencer
was a
bouncing baby boy of only 21 years, fresh out
of the Navy, when he crawled on his mommy’s
lap, sucked his thumb and asked if she would
sign for him to get married to Mary Lou. Not
believing he was ready to take on the
responsibility of a family but nonetheless
anxious to get rid of him, she agreed and
promptly loaded him in the baby buggy,
furnished him with a bottle and scooted him to
the justice of the peace to get hitched on his
birthday. Despite his immaturity, it has lasted
64 years as of today, for which Spectacles rang
two bells6.
Our wonderful, anxiously anticipated, generous and benevolent incoming
president, the Esteemed and Venerated Dr. Fred Young has been a member of our
club 26 years next week. Our malevolent, incompetent and sarcastic outgoing
3
In her on-going role of attempting to usurp every minute of the meeting.
Ms. Teri mumbled the name, as did the young lady when she introduced herself. Since she mumbled less than Ms.
Teri, it is more likely that her name is Trina, but don’t bet on it.
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Under the new, merciful and organized administration.
6
He obviously made a choice wise beyond his years in marrying Mary Lou.
4
president hurtfully accused warm, loveable Fred of being “slippery” by avoiding
the helm for so many years. Wisely and kindly responding to the cynical
insinuation, our already-beloved new leader responded that as a busy and highly
sought after orthopedic surgeon he was constantly called on to repair bones, fix
joints, rehabilitate injuries and otherwise save lives and administer relief to the
suffering, and was therefore unable to answer the call, but now that he has retired
from that meritorious profession and taken on yet another crushing burden of
administrating the advance of our local medical establishment into the current
century, he has agreed to lead us on to new heights of service and fellowship. In a
disgusting show of obsequiousness and attempt to avoid future fines, the present
demagogue sniveled that our dear coming eminence would be “fine free for no
particular reason.” We were all repulsed, nauseated and offended by this maudlin
attempt to curry favor with our incorruptible commander. We of the Slipper
denounce all such attempts by this poor excuse of a human being to sully the
reputation of our incoming chief, who we are sure will be more than fair and
generous to those of us who have not sought to besmirch his name.
Ken Gibbs paid a heavy price of fifty bucks for his 40th anniversary despite
his absence, as did Snide Schneider for his 41st.7 Richard Mendivil forgot to pick
up the Camp Royal students, incurring the wrath of – oh, can we even write it? –
Ms. Teri, who installed herself as Camp Royal Chair, for the obvious purpose of
consuming more time at the meetings. He arrived an hour-and-a-half late, for
which Wayne Fullovitz suggested that we could only squeeze $10 out of him.
Straight Arrow assumed that Ms. Teri utilized her newly honed anger management
techniques by forgiving Richard, until Politico Irish pointed out that Richard
wasn’t present and it cannot be assumed that she did not kill him. If he survived
the onslaught, he will pay a bell for his hypomnesia.
Feeling slighted and out of the limelight, Dick Hatfield rose to complain that
though he is but three years behind Spectacles in years of marriage, his anniversary
is “always ignored.” The general feeling was that the fault lies with Neil Smith8 is
to blame. Magnanimously, Dick volunteered to pay $50. A far less magnanimous
and refined Dick, Warthog Scearcy, remarked that Straight Arrow, in his bizarre
7
As you will see, Gibbs paid double, and rightly so.
For the ignorant, Neil was once in charge of keeping track of important dates and made some errors in doing so.
Though he has not filled that position for many years, it has become posh and de rigueur to ascribe blame for any
errors to him. Since he is rarely around to complain, he continues to bear the brunt of his prior peccadilloes.
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attire, reminded him of Jim Jones and wondered if we were being offered the Kool
Aid.9 He was mulcted fifty bucks for insubordination.
Poor Me Resa interrupted Straight Arrow, who was moving on to higher
things, and objected to anyone being fined more than $25 under the dollar-a-year
plan for a wedding anniversary, and opined that anyone with more than 25 years of
marriage should be exempt from any assessment. Shrewdly suspecting a ploy, our
ever-vigilant president stammered out “Oh, yeah?” Meeting his match, Poor Me
confessed to his 36th wedding anniversary and meekly accepted the $50 fine.
LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE
Need we even mention that Ms. Teri quickly grabbed the microphone again
to introduce the Camp Royal students? Mary Crocker reported that she had never
understood what Rotary was about until she attended, and now has a
comprehension
of what we do.
Camp Royal
helped her learn
to stand back as
a leader and let
others carry out
their
responsibilities,
something she
did not do well
before. She
found everyone
at Camp Royal
to be a leader
who wanted to
take charge, and
they had to learn
to divide up
responsibilities.
The counselors
left all
organization up
to the students.
She brought
home nine pages
of notes from
the speakers.
Oscar Arroyo said Camp Royal was a life-changing experience, one of the
greatest of his life. He learned that leaders must communicate and listen to others.
Trina (or Corina, or perhaps Katrina) Arroyo took many pictures and memories
home with her. All were effusive in their gratitude for the experience.
9
He assumed that the bottle Straight Arrow carried contained Kool Aid, though a closer inspection revealed it to be
Dos XX, a similar toxic brew. What a fine example he set for our callow visiting students on their first impression
of a Rotary Club!
MS. TERI AGAIN – IS THERE NO STOPPING THIS WRETCH?
Guess who introduced our speaker, and took ten minutes to do so?
Fortunately, our president left plenty of time for the program. She reminded
everyone that there will be a demotion
planning meeting at her house tomorrow night.
Scarbroughman chipped in that bodies will be
needed Monday night at 6:00 to set up tables
and chairs, and assured everyone that it will be
cool and nice.
Only ten minutes later, Ms. Teri
introduced her granddaughter Sammantha
McCracken, the most beautiful girl that has
graced our presence in many a year. She
accompanied her grandparents Ms. Teri and
Ron on a trip to Ecuador and the Galapagos
Islands and produced an informational
presentation about the trip.
They started in Quito, Ecuador and met
a local Rotarian who gave them a special tour,
including a parade where they saw the
presidents of Ecuador and Chile up close.
They were able to straddle the Equator with
one foot in each hemisphere. They rode
horses, milked cows and rode llamas.
Sammantha was chased by an angry spitting
llama, which she seemed to enjoy.
The graffiti in Ecuador is not the “dirty”
kind we have here, but usually contains a
moral message and is intended to illustrate an
important point. She found children there to
be small and undernourished.
They then traveled to the Galapagos,
where she saw land and marine iguanas, Sally
Lightfood crabs, lava lizards, sea turtles,
jellyfish, sharks, sea lions, penguins, brown
pelicans, prickly pear cactus and Blue Footed Boobies. Sammantha gave some
interesting facts about all these species. The cactus, for example, lives 800 years
and is the main source of food for the tortoises and land iguanas. Unlike most
species,10 the female lava lizard is more colorful than the male. Marine iguanas
can live two days under the water and dive 30 feet deep. The penguins are very
social and play constantly. Land iguanas grow up to five feet in length and can
weigh 25 pounds.
Sally Lightfoot crabs were named for a
famous Caribbean dancer who was adept at
dancing lightly over the rocks. Since the crabs
jump from rock to rock, they took her name.
Fur sea lions hunt at night, but not during the
full moon, which is when the sharks also hunt.
At one time they were hunted for their
valuable fur and were almost extinct, though
they have returned to 25,000 in number. 6500
brown pelicans inhabit the islands and can
grow to 12 pounds. The Blue Footed Boobies,
which sport bright blue feet, dance and show
off their fulgent feet during mating. Land
tortoises can live hundreds of years and reach
880 pounds. They were once hunted by
Spaniards who flipped and killed them, ate
their flesh and used their shells as armor.
Only 3000 of them survive today.
She also visited the Darwin research station and learned about Charles
Darwin, who formulated much of his theory of evolution based on his study of the
islands. Politico pointed out that although he is known for his studies of the
Galapagos species, Darwin spent only 19 days there.
Sammantha took most of the pictures in her presentation, though she did use
some of grandma Ms. Teri’s. Asked where she is going next with the old fossils,
she said the next trip is to Africa. President Straight Arrow asked if he could be
adopted by them so he could travel too, to which she responded “You have to be
good to be wanted.” This young lady, smart and beautiful, has a great future.11
10
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Humans being a notable exception.
How fortunate that she didn’t take after grandpa Ron.
DOWN WITH THE TYRANT, LONG LIVE THE NEW TYRANT
Next week there will be no noon meeting, as the long-awaited demotion will
be in the evening at – where else? – Ms. Teri’s house.12 Having stuck Glade
Roper’s ticket to the side of the black cauldron with Superglue, Straight Arrow had
Sammantha draw Ken Gibbs’ name, just to spite him and know that he is twisting
in anger at having ended up $100 in the hole for the day.
Burning moral question
Will our illustrious new leader appoint someone to resurrect the Ripples for
the coming year so that we can all be aware of what is happening in the club?13
12
Are we going to have to change the name of the club to the RoTeri Club?
Thank you to all co-conspirators who contributed to the publication of the Slipper the past few weeks, just to
remind everyone of how nice it is to actually have a clue what is going on with our club.
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