PERMISSIONS
Please feel free to share Confessions of an Ugly Woman
on your website or blog. We simply ask that you share it
free of charge. This e-book
book is to be fr
freely given and freely
received. Be blessed in His Beauty…and yours, too!
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
Confessions of an Ugly Woman
A Collaborative eBook Project of the Pink Collar Club
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction……………………………………………………………………………………………...3
How To Use This E-book……………………………………………………………………………….4
Part One: She Sees……………………………………………………………………………………….5
Part Two: She Hears…………………………………………………………………………………….12
Part Three: She Smells…………………………………………………………………………………..19
Part Four: She Tastes……………………………………………………………………………………26
Part Five: She Feels……………………………………………………………………………………...33
Part Six: She Knows…………………………………………………………………………………….40
Meet The Writers………………………………………………………………………………………..47
Tag Team Teachers……………………………………………………………………………………...53
Order Beauty EXPOSED CDs………………………………………………………………….............54
2
INTRODUCTION
I
t was actually the first collaborative book project of the Pink Collar Club entitled Mirror,
Mirror…On The Wall that the initial concept for Confessions of an Ugly Woman came to
be. I was writing for the project personally and I took a “confessions” approach to each of
my devotions. I was overwhelmed by the personal freedom that God was bringing into my life
as a result of simply “confessing”. His Word never returns void. I bore witness to this during
that project in a very tangible way for something quite radical happened in the heart of this
woman…my eyes took a peek into freedom. I have much work to do but I hold to the following
scripture with an intentional ferocity.
Being confident of this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion
until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)
I cling to this promise. You can too.
The Risk
It is a risky thing to launch a book project in the Christian community for such an intimate
topic. By very nature of the title, it leaves one open to all manner of dialogue. I prayed for
wisdom in the decision-making regarding the selection process of writers but more for the
discernment to know exact what kinds of submissions would be deemed “appropriate”.
Ultimately, I found that I was asking myself two extreme questions:
Do I throw caution to the wind and allow their voices to be heard?
Or…
Do I err on the side of caution and censor their voices?
It was my choice and I take full responsibility for the decision to allow their voices to be heard.
The only editing done on the submissions of Confessions of an Ugly Woman was “word-count”
editing. And, if you have ever worked with writers then you know that keeping each piece
under 500 words is quite a challenging feat!
The Warning
So, before you dive into Confessions of an Ugly Woman, I send you a warning of sorts. Some of
the content in this book is excruciatingly raw. My hope and prayer is that you will receive with
open arms and an open heart the process of transformation of these extraordinary women. I
counsel you to resist the urge to limit what is “appropriate” for a Christian book. Their voices
matter. And so does yours.
Blessings, Randee
3
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
I
would like to invite you as you read the pages, hear the stories, and feel the feelings to allow
Christ to engage you in an intimate conversation about you.
There is no timeline…no hurry…no rush to complete this book. Allow your heart to take the
journey, feel the journey and be transformed by the journey.
I encourage you to participate in the journaling sections of this book. Meditate and give voice
to the impressions of your heart and His. Pick up your pen and courageously write allowing a
beautiful dance to take place between His heart and yours.
There may be times when you feel close to Him.
At other times you may try to pull away only to feel Him lovingly pull you back to His side.
Allow the dance to continue to the end, for the Lord truly sees you as beautiful and His desire is
that you would come to know this truth with every fiber of your being.
You may also feel a tug or pull on your heart for one or more of the writers at any given time. If
so, please pray for her as she has taken a risk and exposed her heart to you, the unknown
reader.
Please feel free to share Confessions of an Ugly Woman with whomever our Beautiful Lord
prompts you to share it with. You have permission to place this e-book as a free download on
your website, blog, etc. We simply ask that you do not charge any dollars for it. It is meant to be
freely given and freely received.
To add to the experience of Confessions of an Ugly Woman please consider supporting the
work of the Tag Team Teachers by purchasing the CD teaching series entitled Beauty
EXPOSED. Confessions of an Ugly Woman is an intentional complement to the teaching series
of Beauty EXPOSED created by the Tag Team Teachers.
Love, Grace, and Peace,
Tonya
4
Part 1
She Sees
CD 1 of 6
Do You See What He Sees?
Cost: $12
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5
A
quote that has always been close to my heart is by 19th century authoress, Louisa May
Alcott, “I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.” As a Christian
woman, I know that I am not in complete control of my ship’s navigation. God goes
with me. He has weathered each and every storm with me, provided comfort during dark
nights of endless drifting, and given me provision when there is no land of the living in sight.
When my ship lay broken against a rocky shore from a whirlwind of emotional chaos, God was
there. When I felt alone adrift in the dark anxiety of the unknown, God was there. And when I
sensed isolation on a lonely journey, God was there.
One of the major shipwrecks in my life was a divorce followed by a bout of depression. Often I
prayed, “How can this be happening, God?” or “What can I do to keep my family from falling
apart?” In retrospect, I now see that I struggled with God to control and navigate my ship – my
vision was short-sighted. I was terribly afraid of the unknown, of letting go, and trusting God
with my future. My fears blinded me. I descended into a darkness that I believed had no hope
and no future. I lost sight of the God I knew before falling into a wretched pit of solitude.
Inwardly and outwardly, I saw perpetual darkness.
What a horrible place this pit is for those who have been there or are there now. It is so easy to
take our eyes off of God and lose sight of His greatness, but I can personally testify that it
happens. We can become depressed and we can lose sight of our wonderful God. For those who
are reading my words, I encourage you to not be afraid, God is with you. Our God is personal
and intimate; His presence is steadfast in our lives regardless of what we see around us that
appears hopeless.
As my storm began to lift and my sails were filled with refreshing winds, I saw God. I saw God
in a new and liberating way realizing that while my dark journey was painful, it was also
purposeful. I do not understand the mystery of suffering coupled with healing, but it exists.
God heals our spiritual blindness, especially the blindness towards understanding His grace.
Not everything is revealed to us regarding the purpose of our difficult journey. However, I
encourage you to seek the God that stills the waters and refreshes your souls. Turn your natural
eye upon creation and praise His masterpieces in front of you. Search for God inwardly in the
intimate depths of your heart and let Him love you there.
And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased,
and there was a great calm. (Mark 4:39)
Candy
6
C
onsuming fire, but no sweet perfume. During my adolescent years, people (school
mates and church goers) commented that I was an ugly girl. Daily as I gazed in the
mirror, ugliness is what I saw. Dark-skinned, overweight and just plain ugly! The
more I heard it, the more I said it to myself. What I began to declare repeatedly eventually was
deposited into my heart. There the fire began. I became a mean, bitter person. "Nobody wants
you because you're black, fat and ugly," is what I'd say to myself. I treated people exactly how I
felt. I saw my exterior as ugly, my interior became ugly, life was ugly and nothing about my
surroundings was pretty.
Due to all the hurt, low self-esteem simmered inside me and developed for years. I had no
problem with seeing everything good about everyone else, and used it to belittle myself. I'd tell
myself, "They are successful, you are not," "She’s pretty, you are not." I threw myself into
inconsequential, damaging and disloyal relationships and friendships because I allowed myself
to succumb to opinions about me. After all, I deserved to be treated badly, I wasn't pretty
enough to deserve anything else. The problem had to be me because everyone else was so
much better.
How much more complicated could life get at the age of 15 but to become pregnant. I was
impregnated from a one-night stand by someone who really, in his heart, considered me as ugly
as everyone else did. I saw myself unworthy to even mother a child and did everything I could,
from drinking alcohol to taking drugs, to rid myself of a child I saw as becoming nothing. How
could he grow to be an established person when he was being born of a person who wasn't
anything, didn't look like anything and didn't have anything? However, as God so designed it,
He allowed me to mother that child who became my strength to see life in a more attractive
way. After seeing life through part of the world's eyes for the first 16 years of my life, I began to
see life through other eyes, but did not know it was God. However, at that moment, there was
a work of loveliness wrought in me that has taken years to manifest. Finally, the consuming fire
was blown by the Lord's divine breath of life. Only through the eyes of God could I conceive
myself as beautiful or worthy to be treated respectfully – by both men and women.
Through my own sight of personal ugliness and darkness, I am now able to see the pain of
another, despite what others may see as "ugly" about that person. Through experiencing my
own struggles I see the heart of people, and the need of many to know their worth. Through
the eyes of God I see the best, even in bad situations. Ugly no more, but given beauty for my
years of ashes.
Celeste
7
S
he closed the book that was lying in her lap. It was a book that brought her much hope
and sorrow at the same time. Today it was like she was seeing for the first time. The
world around her had not changed, but what she saw in its reflection grieved her. This
world that she had thought was so perfectly ordered actually testified of how chaotic she was
internally. She looked around and saw possessions that possessed her. They stole her time. She
was either still working to pay for them or they required time to maintain them. Now she
couldn’t even remember why she had bought them, but at the time they had seemed so
important. She saw her impulsiveness and attempt to fill a hole in her soul with things that
would soon be outdated and rusted. She looked down and saw chains on her hands.
Getting up and turning she saw her kitchen. To others it would look simple and empty. It
wasn’t the quantity that saddened her, but the quality. The junk with which she had filled her
body, the temple that God had given her. She looked down and saw the weight that trying to
fill her hole with food had created.
Setting down the book in her hands she headed through the bedroom door, her eyes closed.
Heaviness was settling on her. With great trepidation she opened her eyes. Her bed should
have been a place of honor and purity. But now as she looked at it, the sinful acts that had taken
place there formed before her eyes. Pleasure, selfishness, lust had dominated a place meant for
intimacy, wholeness and integrity. She saw the greatness she had exchanged for just moments
of pleasure. How foolish she had been. How unfaithful she was to a lover that continually gave
himself for her without even a thought of another. Shame filled her as she looked down and
saw how filthy and smutty her hands now seemed.
Feeling a sudden urgency to be clean she headed for the bathroom. She began scrubbing her
hands to get rid of the muck that she had seen. But no matter how much or hard she scrubbed
they were still soiled. In disgust she threw the soap in the sink and looked up. As she did, she
caught her reflection in the mirror. This time it wasn’t chains, or weight, or dirt that she saw.
Glaring at her was a soul that was barren, desperate, hurt, and filled with hopelessness. It was a
soul that she thought she had filled with the right things. However, now she saw that in fact she
had filled it with all the wrong things.
She went back to where she had been sitting and picked the book back up. She had to find
something to fill the void she saw. She began searching frantically until her eyes landed on the
words “How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
Kathy
8
A
ccording to The Free Dictionary, perception means “The process, act, or faculty of
perceiving”; and perceive means “To become aware of directly through any of the
senses, especially sight or hearing”. As a woman who knows the hard side of ugly, I
can say that what I perceived as a result of what I saw and heard led me down a path that, to
put it bluntly, screwed my perception of true reality.
I confess I was a bitter, distrusting, manipulative woman.
My walk down the ugly road started when I was molested as child; told that I was unloved;
taught to lie and manipulate so that no one knew what happened behind closed doors. That
taught me to use people, especially men, to get what I wanted. It taught me to always keep one
eye open and get them before they get me. It taught me to live the life of a victim; allowing
circumstances to be the boss. My perception was not my true reality, but I did not know it yet.
Instead I lived my life in a place of denial. Denial of what God called me to do. Denial of who I
was in Christ. Denial of the woman I was created to be. I lived every day with the thought of “I
will never break the ceiling. I will never get more than where I am at this moment in my life. I
deserve all the bad that comes towards me.”
Denial with a capital “D”!
This life of denial tainted the reality of who I was, who I am, and who I would become. I was a
child who was used and abused but not through any fault of my own. Who I am is a woman
created for wonderful things and walking in the path of authentic living and breathing in
Christ. Who I will be is the woman God says I will be.
My reality is finally in focus. I am no longer the ugly woman who sees through a cloudy
window. With the help of the Holy Spirit I have cleaned it and can see ever so clearly now that
the rain is gone. It’s going to be a bright sun-shiny day!
LaTara
9
M
y anger toward God grew over the years, as I watched everyone around me struggle
to make ends meet, often time reducing themselves to the selling of drugs, sex and
their bare souls. Somehow money was the common ground that connected the roots
of evil in my community.
I remember sitting on my bed with my head down, tears of anger welling up and asking God:
Why did you put me in this family? Why did you put me on earth only to struggle and be
tempted to fall to the statistics that were predicted against me?
I vowed at the age of fourteen, to never fall into this trap of struggle. I was different! I would
not be on welfare, drugs or the streets selling my body! I was mad at God, money and the
adults around me who could not see that the way we were living was just plan out wrong! This
feeling began to shape an unnoticeable bitter root that grew inside of me as the years passed.
Somehow through the years of unwavering struggle, I became blinded to the truth of my real
worth. Have you ever been caught in a habit, you know a daily routine of living? You start
seeing tunnel vision and not seeing or recognizing what was going on around you.
That tunnel vision is what pushed me through high school, college and into my own business. I
had blinded faith not blind faith. I would say I am stepping out in faith. It sounded so good and
made me look good too. More money was going out than I had coming in and suddenly an old
feeling, lack self worth crept in as I watched my business fold to the lack of money. Once again
no money and anger began to feel my heart. This time I was determined to figure this thing out.
How could I mean so much to God yet nothing here on earth? My answer was in the question.
Thank God for the gentle yet sobering conviction of the Holy Spirit. I was measuring my worth
by the standards of this earth. It was when I was again at my lowest point; no money in the
bank, bills due, the place of struggle again that I realized nothing had changed yet everything
had changed.
I could see how I had so much yet so little. I had grown spiritually closer to God, mature, and
richer in my spirit yet my bank account was again in the negative. Over the years God was
depositing His riches in my struggle. I had realized that I had indeed broken every cycle and
statistic that was set before me. I graduated high school, college and my
neighborhood…without drug addiction, prostitution, or reliance on a gang.
Through the journey I was reminded of Jesus asking a man to give up his riches and follow
Him. I had to ask myself: Is the one thing between Christ and me my concept of riches? The
answer was yes. My worth was tied to the world’s understanding and concept of wealth and I
could not see how much I meant to Him.
It was the one thing that was in between Christ and me.
Tia
10
SHE SEES JOURNAL PAGE
My initial thoughts and feelings are…
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I know my perception is distorted when I …
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My prayer is…
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11
Part 2
She Hears
CD 2 of 6
The Symphony of Life
Cost: $12
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12
L
ook at the sister, over there
Thinks she’s all that, who could care
About what she’s doing and who she thinks she is
Nobody’s blessed anyway, because even God is
Shutting her down, her life is a mess
You see, she’s lonely, no friends to protest
To what I’m telling you about that sister over there
Through her downfall, I see life as being pretty fair
Psss, psss, psss, whssp, whssp, whssp are the whispers of men and women as I walk into a
room. Time after time and year after year, the whispers of those around me permeate my being.
Despite the years of low self-esteem, the Lord always allowed me to excel in the endeavors of
my life. Even being a teenage mother didn’t stop me from graduating from high school on time,
third in my class and with a four-year, full tuition scholarship to college. But yet, I hear
whispers – psss, psss, psss, whssp, whssp, whssp – from the days of my youth until this day,
whispers.
It has been difficult for me to maintain both male and female friendships. I have reached out
many times and been taken advantage of – there it goes again, the whispers. I have never really
been accepted by any group – maybe one, perhaps two – always the outcast, “different”. While
sitting right there in the midst of the group, I hear it again – the whispers.
I literally laughed at God when He commissioned me to begin a women’s ministry. After all
the drama I’ve constantly been through with women how could I minister to a bunch of people
who appear to have nothing but jealousy in their hearts for their own kind? Whispers. On top
of all that, I have been placed in some of the most male-dominated positions in ministry – a
musician and a minister. Unfortunately, acceptance is very difficult – again, whispers.
The whispers contain opinions of self-promotion through only my obedience to the Lord’s
command. The whispers contain beliefs about where I should be and what I should do. The
whispers contain opinions about my hair, my clothes, and my material possessions. The
whispers contain happiness about my “just due” in the midst of trial. The whispers contain
plots of deceit and plan to block me from obtaining certain goals.
But will I allow these whispers to determine my destiny?
For a moment in time, I did. I soon realized, however, that whether I’m excelling or not, the
whispers will always exist. Now I will use the whispers to catapult me into my destiny. Now I
will use the whispers to let me know I’m on the right road. Now I will use the whispers to give
me strength to push through trials and reach goals. Now I will use the whispers to look
beautiful for God’s glory!
Ain’t no mountain high enough, valley low enough and whisper loud enough to separate me
from the love of God and doing the things He has designed for me to accomplish.
Celeste
13
I
n all of time there had been many sounds uttered. Some of them were sounds of nature and
others of them the sound of man. There had been the loud sounds that sent fear and wonder
into the hearer. Then there had been soft sounds that brought peace and comfort. However,
in all of time there was never a sound that compared to the voice of the Creator.
The first time it was heard was in the cry of a baby. A mother filled with joy as she held her new
son that represented so much not only for her but also for their people. A father filed with
pride, wonder and uncertainty as to his role in the raising of such a child. The animals unable
to contain their hearts passion whispered their adoration and love in a language that could only
be understood by their Creator.
As He grew, the trees loved to listen to His stories and adventures while He rested in their
branches. The grass would rustle around Him as He laid in their midst and talked to His Father.
The ground would soak in His tears and cries when He would fall and injure Himself. The fish
loved to swim close to Him and hear Him breathing. The birds would hover about Him and
join in when they heard Him adoring the Father. The land animals would lie as close as they
could and rest their ears against His chest as His heart beat again and again. The rabbis would
sit silently amazed as He proclaimed the truth with a wisdom, authority and relationship they
did not yet possess.
He continued to grow and became a man. His words became stronger, bolder and more
passionate. To some they were words of inspiration and joy. He said, “Come and follow Me.”
Then men were captivated and followed Him to their death. “I am willing.” The words that
revived hope in the heart of the blind for not only their sight, but also their salvation. “He who
is without sin cast the first stone.” Words that humbled and lifted up at the same time. “You
have been busy with many things, but she has chosen the most important.” Words that affirmed
intimacy over works. “Let the little children come unto me.” Words that brought shrieks of
excitement and unending laughter.
There were also words of power and conviction. “Lazarus, come forth.” Words of resurrection
and power.“I Am He.” “You have turned it into a den of thieves!” Words of judgment that cut
to the heart. Words that caused an army to fall back. “Sell everything you have, give it to the
poor and come and follow Me.” To a young man words that drew a line in the sand that he was
unwilling to cross. “You will deny me three times.” Words that rent a heart in two.
Then there were His final words. “Woman, behold your son.” Words of provision and love. “It
is finished!” Words of victory and deliverance. “Mary.” Words of relationship and comfort. “Do
you love me?” Words of restoration. ”Go therefore and make disciples.” Words of
commissioning. “If I go away I will come again.” Words of promise.
Kathy
14
G
od has made us what we are. He has created us in Christ Jesus to live lives filled with
good works that he has prepared for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 (God’s Word™
Translation)
Have you ever thought that you heard something, only to discover that it was your
imagination? That is how I lived most of life. Thinking I heard one thing, when in reality it was
just my imagination.
I would often times allow my emotions to tell me what someone was “really” saying about me.
I took everything to heart and hated criticism of any sort. I felt attacked when people tried to
simply help me to see a better way.
One thing I have learned over the years is that our emotions need to take a back seat what is
really going on. Too many times they just get in the way and cloud our judgment.
I let years of thinking I heard it one way, ruin a lot of relationships, chances at success, and so
much more. I sat on God’s calling for my life because I heard something one way, when I
should have got clarification and heard how it really was.
My husband got the brunt of my perception issues. I cried just about every day of the first five
years of our marriage. Keep in mind I have only been married since 2002.
I heard just about everything said in a negative manner and thought that God had punished me
by sending this man to me. He was cruel, and had no compassion. How could God allow it to
be? I would often make plans to just leave because I could not handle the reality of what my
husband was saying.
He was my mirror and I did not want to look at my reflection. If I looked I would see the ugly
side of me. I just refused to do that.
The reality was that most of it was true and I just had to accept it. After all I had no problem
telling him what I saw in him that needed some adjustment. For the sake of our marriage and
my walk with Christ, it was high time that I woke up and smelled the coffee.
I have come to see that I am a woman created by God, in Christ, with a specific purpose and
plan. WOW!
How many more women need to grab a hold of this truth and stop allowing their perception
and emotions get in the way of good judgment and a sound mind?
I confess I was an ugly woman on the verge of disaster because I allowed my emotions to take
the driver’s seat.
What do you confess today?
LaTara
15
I
need to hear you. I was facilitating my sixtieth workshop for teens and families and my
family was headed down hill. We needed to be sitting in my workshop participating in the
very exercise that I was giving other families. I watched as breakthroughs happened,
healing and love took place as frustration built in my heart. I felt horrible, guilty yet qualified to
share my experiences with the families I was sent to serve. I was mad! How could I have such a
calling on my life to heal teens and families and my family needed to be healed?
I needed a word from God. As I taught the lessons I could not help worrying of facing that
heated conversation with my husband. He and our 16 year old daughter were at it again. He
had gone to one of his many extremes to get his point across and she had gone to the same
extreme to get hers across. I felt so torn between been a mother protecting my child to a wife
who loved her husband. I just wanted it to be over.
This feeling of resentment grew over a four-year period. We were never on the same page with
discipline and my daughter knew it. This was the strain on our marriage and I wanted out. I
had been here too many times before and I was not willing to allow my husband to break her
spirit. I continued to teach a lesson around family integrity and if my cell phone had been
turned on it would have caused several interruptions. They just kept calling me and leaving
messages that I just wanted to ignore so that I could stay in a space of focus for the families I
was working with. The workshop was a hit but my plane ride home was not.
I cried the whole ride home…five and a half hours. I remember looking out the window at the
clouds and asking God: If you want me to stay and not get a divorce I need to hear from you! I
mean a miracle or a way I know it is you! The only way that I will stay is if he agrees to get
some counseling. We needed family counseling.
The plane landed. It was my husband coming to pick me up from the airport. He said with a
confident voice, “We have a meeting with the family counselor on Tuesday.” This was more
than a huge step for my husband. He would not even entertain the thought of going to
counseling or my workshops. I was over it but God was not.
Two weeks later upon return of another teen workshop I walked into a surprise birthday party.
All of my family and friends were standing on both sides as I opened the door and the song
began, “You Are the Source of my Strength”, my daughters walking down the front door of my
home with a basket of rose petals, the counselor waiting at the end surrounded by my favorite
flowers…sunflowers.
John wanted to renew our vows on my birthday. We restated vows. Then we reunited vows as
a family in front of everyone. I saw my husband fight back the tears. God had finally spoken a
word of life into my marriage and family. As I walked down the aisle in shock, the Holy Spirit
gently reminded me of my request. He did.
Tia
16
O
verwhelming silence in the midst of isolation is frightening. My mind tells me I am
surrounded by loving family and friends, and greater yet, I am a child of the Most High
God. I listen hopefully to the encouraging words of others. Words that I know are truth
and grounded in God’s Word, yet I cannot hear them. I am not making a heart connection and I
am afraid. For a season, this is what daily life was like. Being in a pit of depression often caused
my days to be filled with silence; an inner silence. The bond of my normal routine with family
and friends was altered. But more importantly, my relationship with God was altered. I felt
abandoned, alone, and invisible. I could not hear His voice anywhere in my life.
In Mark 5, scripture reveals the story of the healing of a demon-possessed man. After my
journey through depression, I discovered this passage and my heart was greatly moved. In
verse 5, the man walks about the tombs in the hills day and night crying out. Did anyone hear
him? Yes, Jesus did. The story goes on to display how Jesus mercifully healed this man. Jesus
heard and found this man “bound in chains” and in His great mercy released him from his
suffering. Our deepest suffering can often feel as though we are chained and alone amongst the
tombs of despair. Even so, God hears our pleas and heals our wounds.
What I treasure the most about God’s Word is that it is relevant to us today. While I am not the
demon-possessed man walking in chains among the tombs over 2000 years ago, I am a child of
our great God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The same power that healed that
anguished man centuries ago is the same power that healed me today. The ancient cries of the
tormented were heard by the same God who hears our cries today. His power and mercy are
unchanging.
In due time, I sensed the goodness of God’s healing in my life and, yes, I heard Him again. I
first heard Him inwardly in my heart joyfully loving me with His Word and song. I experienced
a restoration of my soul that was so much more than I could imagine. Over time, I was able to
hear His creation around me and my spirits were lifted. A child’s laughter, a song bird in the
morning, and a loved one’s voice were all renewed excitement to my ears. I began to trust
again. I confess that I truly believed that God had abandoned me and that my depression was
somehow deserved. I lost my faith in that dark wilderness, but God never lost faith in me. He
heard my pleas, He understood my suffering, and He healed my soul. He taught me to hear His
voice in every facet of my life.
Candy
17
SHE HEARS JOURNAL PAGE
My initial thoughts and feelings are…
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I know I am not hearing accurately when I …
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My prayer is…
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18
Part 3
She Smells
CD 3 of 6
The Fragrance of a Woman
Cost: $12
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
19
H
er life had been common and simple. Many considered it boring. But as she lay in her
bed with the knowledge she would soon meet her creator, she had no regrets. Any
changes she would have made as a younger woman she now saw how it had drawn
her closer to her God. She had lived a long life and now, even though her hearing and sight had
diminished, she was content. As she was contemplating her life she noticed a slight smell in the
room. It was a beautiful smell that seemed familiar to her. Then it came to her, roses. Someone
must have just brought roses into her room.
A smile spread across her face as memories began to flood her mind. Her husband use to
always bring her flowers. Not just on special occasions, but on normal days for no special
reason. The aroma brought back memories and other scents. The smell of their first home with
the fresh paint and new carpet. The smell of the birth of their children and the newness of life.
The smell of their anniversaries each testifying to the commitment and love they had for each
other. The smell of their first new car and how proud they were that they had worked and
saved until they could pay for it in cash. The smell of the wet dog running through the house
and the whole family chasing him and laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. So many
memories. She caught herself laughing and knew if anyone heard her they would think she was
mad.
Then her smile faded a little as she thought about some of the other memories that smell
brought back so quickly. There was loss and death associated with smell. The smell of an
empty house when her childhood best friend moved away, leaving emptiness in her life. The
smell of her father’s cologne, that brought back the abandonment she felt the day he left and
never came back. The smell of smoke and alcohol off the man who had touched her in a way
that would stay with her the rest of her life. The smell of an empty cupboard when times were
hard and they didn’t know how they were going to feed the children. The smell of sickness
when their youngest caught a deadly virus and they almost lost her. The smell of an empty
room when their children, one by one, left for college, leaving behind an empty nest. The smell
of freshly dug earth when she buried her one true love and along with him a huge piece of her
heart.
Tears began to roll down her cheek. Yes, her life had been common. She had more downs than
some but she also had more ups than some. Her life had been good. As she lay there she began
to feel a peace overcome her. All her pain was fading. It even seemed like her hearing was
improving. The room was getting brighter. What was that smell? Oh, she knew this smell too. It
was the smell of her Lord.
Kathy
20
W
hen an ugly woman begins to understand the love of God
And the beauty of life with Christ
Her sense of smell begins to change.
She starts to smell the sweetness of Jesus being a part of her life.
Like a sweetest smelling rose garden
It lingers day after day
And she never doubts that He is right there.
Even when the ugliness creeps up inside of her and tries to rear its ugly head
She smells the sweetness of her Savior, her Brother, and her King.
That is when she can look to Him
Wave her hands in humble submission and yield over the ugly part so that she can be restored.
Her restoration renews her belief in self, in life, in the very reason she breathes
To glorify God and bear testimony to the power of being changed because of Christ
When an ugly woman begins to understand the love of God
And the beauty of Life with Christ
Her sense of smell begins to change
She knows it is the sweetness of Christ.
Like honey to a bee
She embraces the smell
And the wonderful taste of God’s goodness in her life
It is unlike any smell she has ever known.
And this is how she knows
Every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before!
LaTara
21
T
he smell of making a dollar stretch to the next payday is like a pot of seasoned pinto
beans simmering with salt pork in a crock-pot. I remember coming home from school
and smelling the smell of slowly cooked pinto beans in the house. I would often help
my grandmother clean the dry pinto beans as she prepared the oil and flour that would be used
to make homemade tortillas for dinner. The beans would be eaten for dinner and then refried in
the morning on the weekend with potatoes for breakfast. Yum, I never knew my grandmother
was trying to stretch our food. I just thought we were eating really good food. Then she would
say, “This is a poor Mexicans’ dinner”, as she placed the serving spoon in the beans. All I know
is that there is nothing like that smell of my grandmother’s pinto beans.
I found it amazing, how the bean had no smell before it was cooked. The dry bean looked dull,
had no smell and no one would every guess that it would be as tasty as it was. In fact the way
you know the beans were close to being done is; they would begin to smell up the house with
an aroma of comfort. For years I helped my grandmother cook and stretch our food paycheck
to paycheck. During those years God was teaching me the smell of faith. Faith is what keeps us
going. We always knew that somehow God would supply our needs and make a way. As I
grew into my motherhood I would often find myself preparing those same faith dinners for my
family. As my daughters would come home from school and instantly know what was for
dinner as the aroma filled the air, I would be reminded of myself at their age. By now I had
watched God provide for my family year after year and my faith in Him grew stronger. He was
always there helping my family through and making a way. I would have never guessed that
all those years of making beans would pay off. I was about ten years into my marriage when my
husband decided to go after his life long dream of owning a restaurant. Not just any restaurant!
He always wanted to own a Mexican restaurant in Atlanta Georgia. This type of move would
require me to dig into my faith like never before. Before you knew it, we were packing up our
family and moving from California to Georgia. God was moving me to a foreign land. The
seeds of faith that He had deposited into me had been cooked to perfection. I was ready to do
this! After a long journey of uncalculated challenges and steadfast faith, the move was complete
and the open sign was going up. Juan’s Rolled Tacos was open for business! The smell of
grandma’s beans filled the air and comforted many of the customers who had made the same
move from the west coast to the east coast; a familiar smell that bonded costumers time after
time. I remember looking at my husband and saying,” who would have ever thought that the
same beans that my grandmother would cook to stretch a dollar would be the same bean that
would make a dollar. Wow, isn’t God amazing!
Tia
22
O
f all the natural senses that God has created, I cherish the gift of smell the most. So many
fragrances evoke a spirit of nostalgia and often times my heart is filled with warmth.
Many scents take me back to my childhood when life was a bit more simple and playful.
I have learned to accept those divinely perfumed moments as bearers of comfort, peace, or love
that my precious Father is caressing me with. God is so intimately engaged with our lives that
He chooses to embrace us with His divine fragrance.
Does God have a fragrance? Yes, He does. I didn’t always think this way until one day when I
was enjoying the earthy smells of autumn. Standing on my deck one cool fall afternoon, I closed
my eyes and took a deep breath. I kept my eyes closed and prayerfully thanked God for the
beautiful fragrance of His creation. Pondering the gift of smell, I realized that I had just spent an
intimate moment with God. Knowing how much I loved the scent of autumn, God provided a
moment in time where He showered me with His loving presence as I absorbed the fragrance of
seasons in transition.
While God is an awesome and powerful God, He is also personal and interactive with our lives.
God knows what delights us and what would bring comforting joy to our hearts in any
circumstance. There are times when everything is not alright and all we sense is loneliness,
sadness, or anxiety. It is so difficult at times to appreciate or connect with God when we are
feeling hopeless or at the breaking point. However, I have found over time that when I am
sojourning through the barren desert, God visits me with delightful fragrances. He is my oasis.
God has created our whole being to be in communion with Him. In Acts 17:28, scripture reveals
that “in Him we live, and move, and have our being.” When I breathe in that verse I understand
it to mean that I am a creation of God. And because of the sacrificial love of Christ and the
power of the Holy Spirit, I am totally immersed in the spiritual fragrance of God. God’s fragrant
presence permeates us inwardly and outwardly as we recognize and receive His intimate gifts.
In the classic film, The Sound of Music, Julie Andrews sings a wonderful song entitled “My
Favorite Things.” I have always enjoyed that song because it celebrates what the character likes
most in life in a carefree, cheerful melody. It also makes me mindful as I write this devotion of
my favorite things: the scent of autumn leaves, the air after a spring rain, and the perfume of my
garden flowers. These are a few of my favorite things. Awaken to the fragrances around you.
God is spending time loving you.
“Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; Your name is like perfume poured out.” Song of
Songs 1:3
Candy
23
H
ateration, disloyalty, and blood from the daggers thrown in my back – I have literally
smelled it! This has been a pretty hard life in dealing with people. The good times
have been far and few between: awards and accolades, the birth of my
son, graduation, my wedding day, my first sermon, my first book release... all those things fade
away and the journey to those things were sometimes hell. The times in between – the valleys –
get pretty low. Nothing smells good in the valley.
While in this deep, dark time in life, the Lord sent a messenger into my life who was willing to
sacrifice much of her own life to save me from the pit of despair, pain and hurt. She allowed
her life to be interrupted by my drama on a daily basis. I was a hot mess, just plain ugly!! I
realize it was ultimately God who brought me through that valley experience and smell of
death on my life, but I also can never repay her for the things it cost her – days and nights of
lost sleep in prayer and communicating on my behalf.
During that time I felt like Ezekiel in a valley of dry bones, “Celeste, hear ye the Word of the
Lord!” Funny thing is, He was speaking to me and I couldn't hear Him because I was more
concentrated on all the dead bones around me: so-called friends, divorced, financially and
emotionally bankrupt. Loneliness totally consumed me, and it was all God's fault in my mind.
There were days when the Lord spoke to me through my best friend and I literally went off on
her; however, she overcame my verbally abusive disposition. In a still, calm voice, she
continued to speak life into my heart and mind. The smell of death had consumed me for a
season of years. I had the messiest, nastiest outlook on life. I blamed God and everyone else for
me not receiving the things I continuously petitioned the Lord about. I was the best actress and
could have won an Academy award for hiding my true feelings about me and my life. I
smelled death around me and in everything, but God allowed everyone to see nothing but light,
promise and destiny in my life. I couldn't understand it – I still smelled the hateration, the
disloyalty and the blood from the backstabbers.
After about two years, I realized that as I live, I will go through high points and low points –
dry seasons in my life. In the dry seasons the Lord will speak to me about the next level He's
taking me to, give me projects to complete in preparation and order my steps. It's how I handle
the dry seasons that makes the difference! I know now that dry bones can live again. The Lord
has revived my life time and time again. I was always destined for victory while smelling death
around me.
Celeste
24
SHE SMELLS JOURNAL PAGE
My initial thoughts and feelings are…
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The fragrance that I tend to leave with others is…
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My prayer is…
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25
Part 4
She Tastes
CD 4 of 6
She Hungers…She Thirsts
Cost: $12
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
26
O
taste and see that the LORD is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
~Psalms 34:8
The ugly woman comes to realization that without Christ she is absolutely nothing.
She has seen the ugly side of love and would rather have the purifying love of Christ because
she knows it will renew her day after day.
There was a time when I did not love myself. Really there was. Now don’t act like you have
never been there. We all have our self-doubts and disbelief in what God may have for our lives.
Ok, well maybe I will just be honest with myself and say been there, done that, wrote the book
on it.
But today I think differently. I am not saying that I don’t get those feelings every now and then.
However the difference now is in how I handle them. They are no longer hindrances in my life.
They no longer paralyze me with fear.
I have learned that when these thoughts and feelings of self-doubt and disbelief creep up in me,
to rest in God. When I rest in Him, truly rest, and not worry about the things that tried to get
me to step back into the abyss of a mediocre life, I can feel His presence. It becomes so strong
that I can taste the wonders of His Love.
God, my Father, reminds that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In His image I was created
and that when He created me, He made no mistakes.
That is reassuring. To know that because of His love for me, I was created just the way He
intended for me to be.
God’s love reaches higher then any mountain and goes deeper than any sea. His love covers
every part of our walk, even in the bad times. He never takes His Love from us. It is his love
that causes Him to weep when we disobey and doubt who we are. It is love that covers us as we
cry and wonder why. It is His love that sent Christ to be the reconciling piece of the intricate
puzzle that we are putting together day after day.
The ugly woman confesses that she can be and is beautiful because of the wonders of His Love.
She tastes of Him daily because she knows that it is nurturing that she truly desires – no matter
what she may think she is going through.
This woman knows that she will be blessed if she put her trust in Him!
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. You are blessed, if you simply place your trust in Him.
Never forget that mustard seed faith is all that is required for you to make that change.
LaTara
27
H
ave you ever had a taste for something sweet and nothing would satisfy you like that one piece
of cake, cookie, or chocolate? You know when you crave something so bad you would do
anything to get it. Well it was about four years ago, after my family and I picked up and moved
to Atlanta, Georgia to go after my husband’s dream of owning his own restaurant. Our plans were
changing daily as we watched our reserve savings trickle down to nothing.
Every day we were faced with another opportunity to have faith and move forward in the building of the
restaurant. Every ounce of our savings went into buying materials and paying contractors that had no
intention of following through with the contract. One day I was sitting around waiting for an inspection
to pass on the electrical work and I had a craving for pound cake. So, I asked my husband to make a
pound cake using an old recipe that a family friend gave him years ago. He had a craving for something
sweet too and decided to give it a try.
Now you have to understand, we both stepped out in faith and out of our careers of teaching and social
work to start this business. So, this was a whole new world for us and definitely God! To our surprise the
pound cake came out so moist and full of flavor that it reminded me of the pound cakes my grandmother
used to make for dessert after church on Sundays. It was so good I had to share it with friends. Before I
knew it people were asking me, “How much does he charge for this?” I had no idea that our craving to
have our own restaurant would drive us to this!
The building was taking forever and we had time during the day to sit and think about what if this
business did not work out. Doubt began to set in and faith was so hard to have as I heard people tell us
how it won’t work and it is too big of a risk. It was time for me to grow up in faith! 1 Peter 2: 2-3 says
“like newborn babies, crave spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you
have tasted that the Lord Is good.” I put my faith in Him and tasted to see if He was good.
In the mean time, John was enjoying his newly found talent. It was like one response from someone
trying his cake inspired him to create another one and before you know it he had created different types
of pound cakes, cookies, and pies. By now we had finally opened the Mexican restaurant and the final
pressures were heavy. Some days were better than others yet it was just not enough to break even. The
pressure became so heavy that our partner had to pull out and we were faced with the tragic decision to
close the restaurant. My husband and I were devastated. We became like babies questioning our faith in
God and just could not understand why it was working out this way. My taste for sweets, food and
eating were drowned by depression. What were we going to do now?
We had zero in the bank, our children looking at us and a third child on the way. I was about seven
months pregnant and our health benefits were running out. I remember laying my head down on the
pillow and hoping that when I woke up the nightmare would be over. God woke me up about two in the
morning with a vision. Before my eyes was the vision of a coffee shop, with red walls full of people
talking, laughing drinking coffee and having a good time. I even saw the detail of the logo and the name
of the shop: The Upper Room Coffee and Bakery. I woke John up and was inspired to push forward. It
would take a lot of faith to pick this one up and turn it around. He agreed and we went for it. We had our
own coffee, and in-house baker. Carmel, butter cream, pecans, chocolate, and the cakes that started with a
craving for sweets became the talk of the community. People were rushing in to place orders and satisfy
their taste for one of kind pastries.
God used our craving for owning a restaurant to grow our faith in Him.
Tia
28
T
aste and see that the Lord is good…” Psalm 34:8. For the longest time I wondered what
this portion of scripture meant. I have always known that the Lord is good, but I could
not wrap my thoughts around tasting God. I could easily identify with my other senses
in relationship to God, but I remained puzzled about connecting the concept of taste to Him. I
finally realized that I needed to understand from a spiritual perspective, opening my heart to go
beyond the physical.
A song I love and that we often sing at church is “Good To Me.”
I cry out for your hand of mercy to heal me.
I am weak. I need your love to free me.
Oh Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness,
Come rescue me, oh Lord.
You are my hope,
Your promise never fails me
And my desire is to follow you forever.
The chorus goes on to praise God for His goodness: “For you are good, you are good, you are
good to me.” Eventually, I learned to understand that the psalmist was exhorting God’s people
to a challenge. “Taste and see” calls me to test, to experience the goodness of God. To step out in
faith, to trust God’s mercy, love, strength, and promises. The remainder of Psalm 34:8 ends with
“Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in Him!”; a promise for those who rely on God Most
High.
During the times when we are in the midst of crying out and we feel weak, it is then that God is
good. Does that seem strange to you? When you are in a dark place, crippled with the constant,
crashing waves of pain washing over you, do you know that God is good? Or the times of
isolation when the massive walls of anxiety or depression are towering over you ready to
crumble, burying you beneath the rubble – does God seem good? In all honesty, that was not
always the thought I had in my mind or heart – and God understands that.
It is in retrospect and examination of the difficult journeys that I have come to know and trust
that God is good. It is in realizing that His hand of mercy was upon me and that His hand of
mercy healed me. God’s goodness was provided in so many ways and His faithfulness
delivered me. I am forever grateful. I am reminded of another church song that I love and know
to be true, “God is good all of the time, all of the time God is good.” Even though it may not
“feel” like it at the time, you can cry out to our loving Father and in His goodness He will
provide a refuge for you. He will sustain you in the desert, provide for you in the darkest
valleys, and deliver you from the desolate pit.
Taste and see that the Lord is good. Amen!
Candy
29
I
lost my virginity so early in life that I developed an appetite for sex at an early age. I began
to use it to forget about how bad I felt about myself. I tricked myself into believing that my
appetite to taste lustful experiences was normal. I mean an “ugly” girl is good for
something right? Furthermore, I couldn’t have been too ugly if all these different men wanted
me. What kind of stuff was I on thinking like that?
I was living in a one-bedroom flat with my two-year old son, working and going to college
(flunking out, that is). Night after night, another encounter and a different man. Do you think a
sistah could have, at least, gotten paid like any other hooker? I didn’t even have enough sense
to reap some benefits of the encounters. I wasn’t even as good as the girls walking the street. I
was still broke, busted, disgusted… but, it tasted good. Adventure to adventure, encounter to
encounter, from one man to the next. What was I tasting? Low self-esteem pills…you know the
“after taste” of a pill when it doesn’t quite go all the way down and dissolves at the back of
your throat. The kind that gets you whacked out in your mind enough for you to create your
own little world of fake happiness. You know it’s bad when the “after taste” of a pill becomes
addictive!
For a time, I was engaged to be married while in that little one-bedroom flat. After a horrific
experience with one of his alcoholic escapades, I threw the ring out the second story door in his
face. After brief attempts to reestablish our relationship didn’t work, he turned to another
woman which put me in a state of overdosing in lustful encounters. Note, I have not said
“romantic” encounters. Most of these men I would only see one time, like a common hooker. To
this day, most have never been seen again. Where was my mind at this in situation anyway – I
was the one who ended it. But, just the thought that he didn’t try more aggressively hurt my
heart.
Thank God, the overdose didn’t kill me! The Lord used my godmother to spoon-feed me the
Word, up until the day she passed away. Did I mention that in all this time, I was continuously
dutiful at church? Choir member and musician… addicted to the taste for sex! Hm! Church
girls have issues too, huh?
The taste of promiscuity has been my biggest challenge. I wanted to taste fun, adventure and
personal satisfaction, but in the long run those things left me strung out! Things I've had to
encounter in relationships were based on bad decisions, and I've tasted enough bad
relationships that involved sex to make me hunger more for the Word. I finally submitted to
the Word and the call of God: "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good!"
Celeste
30
S
he was so confused. When she had tried to ask her question in Sunday school, they just all
laughed at her. She definitely wasn’t going to ask her mom and dad with her brothers
around. They would tease her forever. She kept saying the verse over and over in her
head. “O taste and see that the Lord is good.” How did God taste? Was it right to taste God?
Maybe it was something she wouldn’t understand until she was bigger. Her dad was always
telling her that she would understand when she was bigger. She stomped her foot and shouted,
“But I don’t want to wait till I’m bigger!” It was a good thing she was outside. She would have
gotten into trouble for shouting in the house. Ok, she was going to figure this out on her own.
Well, if God had a taste surely it was a good taste. What things did she think tasted good? Ice
cream! She loved the taste of ice cream! She loved how it would spread across her tongue and
fill her mouth with happiness. But would God melt? She knew, chocolate chip cookies! She
loved the way they were chewy and you could dunk them in milk. Her hands were always
messy after eating her mom’s homemade cookies. But would God be messy? Maybe she needed
to think of more grown up food because God was really old. Now she knew she had it. Maybe
He was like spaghetti. She loved spaghetti! Slurping down the noodles, even though it made
her mom frown. But would it be ok to slurp God? This was becoming much more complicated
than she thought it would be. “I have to think like my dad because God is a he.” What would
dad like to eat? Steak! Steak is big, God is big. Steak is really special because Dad said we can
only have it on special occasions and God is special. You have to go to a special place to get it
and you have to go to a special place to learn about God. Oh, but wait. Dad has to use a really
sharp knife to cut steak. It definitely couldn’t be ok to cut God into little pieces. Then He would
be a bunch of little Gods.
She crossed her arms and let out a huff. She started thinking about all the people at church. If
God tastes good then why are there all those people that frown all the time and are so grumpy?
A thought hit her that sent shivers down her spine. What if God tasted bad? What if He tasted
like broccoli or spinach? What if He tasted like meatloaf or casserole? Then it really hit her.
What if He tasted like that nasty cough syrup her mom made her take? That was it. She decided
she was just going to have to wait till she was bigger. She was going in and having some
cookies and milk.
Kathy
31
SHE TASTES JOURNAL PAGE
My initial thoughts and feelings are…
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I find myself feeding upon…
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My prayer is…
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32
Part 5
She Feels
CD 5 of 6
Awaken, She-Child!
Cost: $12
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
33
I
was sweet-sixteen, and had it going on! I was the one that kept up with the latest hairstyles,
Nike tennis shoes, and fashion. I grew up during the time when hot pink, neon green and
big hoop earrings were sure to make me the popular girl that all the boys wanted to date.
Usually I would get my clothes ready the night before so that I would not have to rush to the
bus in the morning. This morning however, I did not feel like doing all of that. I was so tired
and really was not in the mood for dressing up. So, I threw on my sweats brushed my hair in a
ponytail and hit the door for the walk to school.
I felt this way for a whole two weeks before someone noticed that I did not seem to be myself? I
really did not give it any thought nor did I care. I stopped eating meat, doing my homework
and just slept for most of the day once I got home from school. My mom would ask what is
wrong with you? I knew underneath the surface of the question she already knew. “Nothing”, I
would say as I shrugged my shoulders and walked to my room to lie down. This same routine
went on for three months, until one day when I was laying on my bed reading my history book;
I felt the urge to throw up. My stomach felt really funny and my head began to spin out of
control. What in the world was wrong with me? I was too afraid to find out, so I just ignored it
and
kept
the
same
routine
for
next
three
months.
My mind could not help but to wonder if that day I snuck my boyfriend in my room was finally
catching up to me. Could I be pregnant? My mom would always tell my sister and I, “If any of
you “_________” come home pregnant you might as well move out and get your own place.”
She was not playing! So many thoughts ran through my head, what would I do, where would I
go? How could I afford this? Would I have to stop going to school? How would my teachers
and friends see me? Would my family disown me? Oh the shame that would enslave my
emotions and cause me to give up. Would getting an abortion work? How would my boyfriend
react? I was so confused and scared that I started to dress nice again, put a smile on my face to
hide the worry, and get the attention off of me and I hoped that my thoughts were not true.
I was into the fourth month of hiding my worries and physical changes when I could feel
something fluttering in my stomach that I had never felt before. This time it was different. This
was weird, I had to tell someone. I called my grandmother and asked her if I could go with her
to her next doctor’s appointment to talk with her doctor about something. She did not mind at
all; it was like she was waiting for me to ask her that. I went into his office, asked a few
questions, and he decided to take “the test”.
“Tia, the reason you have been feeling this way is because you are pregnant!” All of a sudden
my heart dropped, I stopped breathing and began to cry out of confusion and worry. What was
I going to do now? Abortion was not an option. She was already four and a half months old. For
the next five months my family pulled together and began to prepare for the baby and I
continued to feel God’s hands knitting her together in my womb.
Tia
34
G
od loves you! For so many years, I heard that phrase over and over. I could not fully
grasp those words because I could not feel their significance. As a Christian, this
bothered me very much. People would share that God loved me and after a while I
would smile as though I understood, as though I could feel His affectionate embrace. But it was
all a façade and I began to blame myself in so many ways for why I could not feel loved by such
a tender and intimate God.
Sometimes in life we are told not to go by our feelings. Wow, now that is a contradictory
expectation to place on women! If anything, we are a bundle of feelings – emotionally charged
and waiting to be loved. Most of us as women can not untangle our emotional wiring from our
intellectual wiring. While we may know something is true, we still rely on the feeling and
emotional process to balance it all out. So, while I read that God loved me and I heard it from
caring friends, my womanly feelings were not accepting it. I knew there had to be something
that required a deeper, introspective look into my heart and soul.
Over time, I discovered that I was trying to earn God’s love, as well as others, and I did not
realize that’s what I had been doing. A deeper look revealed that I could not feel or experience
God’s love because I did not love me. I could not believe that I was lovable. Not just by God,
but by anyone. Now that I found the root, what was I going to do about it? First, I had to accept
that God’s love could not be earned. It was already there; a gift of grace through Jesus Christ.
This shift of new thinking was not an overnight process. It had taken a long time to acquire such
a low opinion of myself. But, the good news is that God revealed Himself to me over and over
during the process and I steadily became more aware of His love for me. Prayerfully, I started
rearranging priorities. I had to become honest with myself regarding my identity. Was my
identity based on earning approval from others or was my identity based on God’s belief of my
worth? As we turn ourselves over to God more and more allowing ourselves to be fashioned by
Him, then we can come into the full awareness of His great love.
Can I feel the love of God? Oh, yes I can, very much so. I fully understand now that I can not
earn God’s love. It is a precious gift that we all have access to through Jesus Christ. A quote
from St. Augustine, “Thou hast created us for Thyself, and our heart is not quiet until it rests in
Thee.” God loves you!
“…let His banner over me be love.” Song of Songs 2:4
Candy
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L
ove suffers long – isn’t that the truth!
Love is supposed to be kind too – you mean you can be kind and loving?
Love envieth not – with all the haters in the world? Really?
Love vaunteth not itself and is not puffed up – oh, that’s real funny with all the egomaniacs in
today’s society.
Good love, bad love. I believe there are both. I use to believe that it was important to express
my feelings openly. I soon learned that people would use how I felt against me. As a result,
even my so-called sister friendships were fake and phony. It took a fool to learn that love don’t
love nobody.
Where was Steve Harvey's, "Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man" when I needed it? I already
know the game and feel the love of God instead of looking for a man to provide that feeling. It
also helps that the Lord provided many lessons so I got to know men by firsthand experience.
However, in the midst of a life of promiscuity, I had the yearning to feel the love of one special
person. Instead I felt pain, men coming and going. Due to those painful feelings in broken
relationships, ultimately I considered myself the fool that had to learn a harsh lesson. I reached
for love, time and time again, but life didn’t let me know that in the end I would still be loving
him. He was gone and I was alone – bad love. Again, it took a fool to learn that love don't love
nobody.
I could have really set myself up to be that fool if I had never learned from those experiences.
Through those agonizing situations I learned how to receive the feeling of being loved.
It took me a while to realize I wasn’t the fool and didn’t have to take the blame for what went
wrong. It just had to be my fault! To some extent, however, it was my fault. Remember, I
openly expressed my feelings, so people knew exactly how to manipulate me. I was used many
times and people would get upset if I didn’t move at their every whim of “need”. Of course, it
was my fault if I couldn’t provide it, right? No, it was not. It was my fault that I allowed it
even in times when I knew they wanted to use me. That’s where my fault begins and ends.
From those times however, I started to push people away that really meant me well – good
love. My heart was not ready to receive or believe anyone wanted to love me without wanting
something. It was not until I dealt with my inner feelings and established where the guilt lied
in those “bad” experiences, that I could be ready to receive love.
Now I know love does love me. He died on the cross that I may have the right to eternal life –
that is the greatest love of all.
Celeste
36
S
he couldn’t remember the dream but she knew she had been dreaming when she
suddenly felt two arms lifting her up. Not sure what was going on she began to stir and
cry a little when a voice whispered “shhh” in her ear. It was a familiar voice, but she
couldn’t think clearly. As she was carried she felt something within her say, “I am with you.”
All of a sudden she was very cold and felt a breeze blowing on her bare legs and up her
nightgown. Again she began to stir and cry but the voice hushed her. She heard a car door open
and then some creaking. The arms placed her in something that was rough and cramped. She
tried to open her eyes but they wouldn’t open. Her body was all squished together, she was
cold and was very uncomfortable. She heard a car engine start and then the car began to move.
Losing the fight to stay awake she once again felt the voice within her say, “I am with you.”
The next thing she knew she was being lifted up out of the container she had been in. She was
beginning to be able to focus a little, but still was unable to fully understand what was going on.
They were somewhere out in a forest. It was dark, the full moon was out and it was very cold.
The arms laid her down on something that was very cold and hard. It almost felt like a rock.
Her eyes were unable to focus and she was beginning to feel very scared. The inner voice came
again, “I am with you.”
Now there were a lot of hands on her. They were taking her clothes off. Fear began to well up in
her now in an ever-increasing manner. When they had all of her clothes off they took her hands
and feet and spread them out and tied them down very tight. In fact it was hurting her wrists
and ankles. What was going on? She could now make out a fire and a bunch of men in black
capes. They were all saying the same thing over and over but she couldn’t understand what
they were saying. She wanted her daddy. She began to cry. The voice again said, “I am with
you.”
Then a man broke the ranks and started toward her. Her heart was beating very fast. As he got
closer she noticed he had no clothes on under the robe. He climbed on top of her and the next
thing she knew there was an incredible pain she had never felt before. The voice said, “I am
with you.” She cried out begging for him to stop for someone to help, but no one came. When
he climbed off of her she hoped it was over, but it was only the beginning. One after another
each of the men climbed on her.
She turned her head and saw another one coming towards her. She was so tired and was
hurting so bad. Then this man took off his hood and it was her daddy. She smiled and cried out
for him to come get her. He came towards her but instead of releasing her and picking her up,
he climbed on top of her. Her little mind and body could take no more and everything went
black. Right before she faded out the voice said, “I am with you.”
The next morning she woke up. She was sore, cold, and sad but she couldn’t figure out why.
Her little heart was broken, but she couldn’t understand why. Deep from inside the feeling
came again saying, “I am with you.”
Kathy
37
I
praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul
knows it very well….How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum
of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with
you. (Psalm 139: 14, 17-18)
The ugly woman feels like she is not wanted or that she is not worth very much. Because of her
perception, in her mind she has become an unwanted vessel – a tool for no one to use. Her mind
has fooled her into thinking that no one wants to deal with a woman with such an ugly side.
How can God use a woman of no worth?
In her reality she becomes more and more of an unwanted individual, driving people away and
building a wall so high that no one can get over it; no one can get around. She even starts to
dismiss God just because she does not want to face the rejection that He may give her.
This ugly woman confesses that I too felt like an unwanted vessel.
Emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse, negative words, and self-sabotage had me at point of
feeling unworthy of God and anyone I knew. I became bitter, angry, and very lonely. To a point
that I became a recluse, only leaving the house when necessary and often feeling embarrassed
when I did.
I had gained weight and carried over 300 lbs of pain, hurt, and feeling like an unwanted vessel.
It is still there but now it is going away and for that I am thankful. But at one time I was too
ashamed to let people see the ugly vessel that I had become. So I hid and I refused to become
the victim of jokes and snide remarks about my weight. I got enough of it in my own home and
the pain was just too much to bear.
This issue just became a part of the snowball effect of depression. However, deep down inside I
knew there was a part of me dying to get out and be free. And so I read.
Psalm 139 became my daily nourishment. I feed on the words penned by David and delighted
in what they said. I began to put my name in the sentences so that it was as if God was speaking
directly to me.
I was reminded of God’s deep abiding love for me. I was told that I was worth more than
rubies. I remembered why I was the apple of God’s eye. I started to see light at the end of tunnel
that for so many years was dark, dreary, and dreadfully lonesome.
The light pointed the way to the road of healing, deliverance, and liberty. Today I am
somewhere between deliverance and liberty. Today I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully
made. No longer do I feel like an unwanted vessel. I have purpose!
That my soul knows right well!
LaTara
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SHE FEELS JOURNAL PAGE
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Part 6
She Knows
CD 6 of 6
Her Holy Intuition
Cost: $12
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
40
A
s for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the
earth.” In Job 19:23-27, Job knows that despite the horrific hardships he has
encountered, he is confident that God reigns – God has the final word and Job knows
he will witness that glory. How did Job acquire such faith, such confidence? His friends and
family ridiculed him, blamed him, and abandoned him. Yet Job knew that God was in control,
even when he didn’t understand or feel God’s presence. Job was in relationship with God. He
didn’t just know about God, he knew God.
Job relied on the faithfulness of God’s promises to His people. He chose to believe that the great
I AM would somehow bring restoration and in the end God would reign supreme over all the
earth. Job chose to know God by believing, by exercising faith. While God dealt with the
Israelites, Job knew God lovingly restored them – time and time again. His belief in God set him
apart from those who accused and abandoned him. Those who taunted Job knew about God,
but Job knew God – intimately.
In all honesty, I am not so sure that I had the faith or patience of Job during some of my darkest
days. Looking back I knew about God, but I didn’t know Him as intimately as I do now. I
lacked the confidence that God cared enough about me to bring me through the storm and set
my feet once again on solid, stable ground. My mind would always be filled with doubt and the
proverbial “what ifs.” I was afraid that God had overlooked me. I was in a constant state of
anxiety and felt vulnerable all of the time. I felt like a lost child – alone and abandoned. I
wanted to believe like Job, but it was difficult.
What is the difference in knowing about God and knowing God intimately? Choice. My head
and heart needed to connect and I couldn’t do it by myself. There came a day during my
affliction when I surrendered. I made a choice to surrender everything because I had nothing
left to fight with. I remember telling God that He could do with me as He desired, but I give up.
I was very sincere and God was very faithful. Over time, I experienced the blessings of
restoration and with that came a newness of life. An immeasurable confidence engulfed me
body, soul, and spirit. I knew that God had not only mercifully healed me, but He was my
Redeemer.
Do you ever wonder why we have to encounter pain and affliction at times in order to know
God more intimately? This is a valid question that perplexes us, but at the same time attracts us
because we desire to know intimately the God of our healing during our deepest distress.
Surrender all to Jesus – our suffering Redeemer and confidence. Thanks be to God!
Candy
41
J
esus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
For the Bible tells me so
Who are the “little ones”? For many years I thought I knew: small children. As I mature I
realize that “little ones” can be 50 years old, if they are immature in the ways of the Lord.
Furthermore, aren’t we all weak at one time or another? I know I have been at certain periods
of time.
Jesus loves me. Startling revelation to someone who grew up in church all her life. Ya' think? I
just knew there had to be something better outside of "church life" since I didn't receive much
love there. Unfortunately everything good and bad in my life I have experienced in church, and
what the street has to offer, at many times, emerges as a more loving environment. For some
time, I didn’t even think God loved me based on my encounters with church folk.
Yet, in the struggle, I never left the church – after all, I was a musician, so I had to go “to work”,
right? Well, one Sunday morning, I arrived late for 8:00 AM service. That was not a rare
occurrence since I was busy out hanging until 4:00 AM Sunday morning. My fellow musician
and big brother in Christ (who would always cover for me) leaned over and asked if I had been
out the previous night (and morning). Thinking in my mind, “How did he know,” I confirmed
his suspicion, to which he responded, “You look like it.” With that one statement I felt like I
had become naked. Right at that very moment I wanted to crawl up under the pew and hide.
Instead, I sat in service thinking up ways to still hang out and keep up my appearances while
carrying out my duties for Sunday morning. After all, I was only going ballroom dancing and
socially drinking – I was never a stripper or a drunkard, so what was the harm? I quickly
worked up a plan to go out on Fridays and Sunday evenings (and I would rush out of evening
service to beat the deadline for the cover charge), but never on Saturdays.
Through all of this, I knew Jesus loved me! In the midst of all the clubbing and hanging, there
was never a shot that broke out in my presence – but it was happening. There was never a time
someone tried to steal from me or my friends – but it was happening. There was never a time I
was carjacked – but it was happening. There was never a time I was kidnapped, abused or
raped – but it was happening.
Yes, Jesus loves me and although the Bible tells me so, I know so!
Celeste
42
S
he stood in the center of the huge room. The gavel pounded three times calling the trial to order. God almighty
was overseeing from the judge’s seat. Satan was leaning back in arrogance in the prosecutor’s chair. Then there
was her defender at the defense table. The best money couldn’t buy and one that she definitely didn’t deserve.
Christ humbly sat there gazing at her with assurance and love.
She heard the clicking of the prosecutor’s shoes. He stood in front of her. “Do you know why you are here today?”
“Yes.” She quietly whispered.
He smiled. “You must speak louder, we cannot hear you!” She looked up and a little louder repeated her answer.
“Good, then let us start. Do you know what this pad in my hand contains?” Again she answered she did. “Do you
know how many times that you failed to follow the commands given in the Word of God?”
“Too many for me to count.”
He smirked and shook his head in disdain. “That would be a huge understatement. Do you know how many times
you did not act with a pure heart but with a self-serving motivation? Do you know how many times you walked
away in cowardice and fear instead of standing in boldness? Do you know how many words of death you spoke? Do
you know how many times you set up idols before God? Do you know the immorality that dwelt in your heart? Do
you know how worthless of a human being you were?”
Her heart was breaking and the tears began to stream down her face. “I know I am unworthy and have nothing of
honor to offer.” At this he shook his head, muttered the word pathetic, and sat back down.
The next sound she heard was the soft steps of her defender. He walked up and stood in front of her. Gently He took
her chin and lifted it up until their eyes met. In a voice that emanated with compassion and love He began. “Do you
know Me?”
She softly said, “Yes, I know You.”
“Do you know how you are able to enter into a relationship with the Father and Me?”
“Yes, I know.”
“Did you respond to that call?”
“Yes.”
“Did you seek to love me with all your heart, soul and mind and to love your neighbor as yourself? Did you have a
heart to follow Me? Did you ask for forgiveness when you fell?”
Her heart began to beat. “Lord, I tried, but I know I failed You so many times.” He sat back down.
The Father was the next to speak. “In hearing this testimony and looking over the documents all I see are the words
paid in full. Your debt has been paid. I find you righteous through the righteousness of the One who paid your debt.
You were loved by and have loved My Son. There is only one thing left to say. Welcome home.”
Kathy
43
A
s the ugly woman grows into herself and begins to shed the ugliness that dwells inside,
she starts to see so much more of her goodness than she ever had before. She has been
changed by God and knows that He will never leave her nor forsake. He has brought
her too far for that.
She has seen that her reality lies in Christ. She has experienced the reality of being wrapped in
God’s grace. She is learning to move with the reality that is and not the one she thought she
knew.
She knows that she is more than enough.
She has heard the truth found only in the Word. She has learned the importance of listening for
His voice in all things. She no longer hears the evil spewing from the mouth of the enemy. She
is strong enough to recognize that what she thinks she may hear is actually all lies.
She knows that she is more than enough.
She has smelled the days of pain and turmoil and knows that walking with Christ carries a
much sweeter aroma. She walks through His garden everyday.
She knows that she is more than enough.
She has tasted the wonders of His love. She knows that God’s love is more than she could ever
dream of. It was His love that took her to the mountain top. That is something that no man
could ever do.
She knows that she is more than enough.
She has felt unwanted but now she knows better. She is now experiencing the power of walking
in her sure destiny. Her path has been made clear. The vessel is no longer useless – it now has a
place!
She knows that she is more than enough.
I confess I was that ugly woman. What I saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt at one time in my
life I no longer experience anymore. I have learned to move forward with God no matter what
may come my way. I am like a butterfly – my wings spread wide and I can see more than I ever
could before. I no longer waddle in the dirt hoping and wishing; crying and sighing; praying
and then denying. No more laying in the dirt waiting for God to pour me out a blessing.
No I now have my wings so that I can move towards what God has for me. I know that I too
have to play a part. God expects that of me. But I could not do it until I began to see that….
I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!
LaTara
44
I
remember sitting in the circle of women on a Monday night Bible study class and thinking
to myself: What do I have to offer to these women? They know more than me. I was in my
early twenties when I was asked to be a Bible study leader. I completed the application
process and answered average knowledge of the bible for question number 21. I had no idea
what I had gotten myself into. I just knew it was something I had to do. I was a young mom,
wife and in college, and now I had just taken on a ministry. At the time this was a five-year
Bible study, focusing on different books of the Bible and I had started right in the middle of the
life of Jesus. This week the lesson was on forgiving.
Each lesson consisted of about 20 questions and one challenge question. The point of the lesson
was how God first forgave us and therefore we should forgive others. As I was preparing my
lesson I got to the challenge question: Whom do you need to forgive in your life?
I thought to myself: I do not have anyone in my life that I need to forgive. I am complete with
everyone. All of a sudden the Holy Spirit brought to my attention my stepfather. Out of
nowhere I began to have all these emotions of hurt and shame pop up and I could barely finish
writing my answers through the tears. I would think of the times I would wake up dreaming
with fear that he would hit my mom again. I was the oldest of three and felt I had to hold it
together and protect my brother and sister. I was all of 13 years old when the rage of domestic
violence hit my house. I would take my brother and sister and put them in the room, close the
door, swallow my fear and walk into the hallway hoping that it would not last too long or get
any worse. I would grab the phone whenever I could and think: Should I call 911 or risk being
in more trouble? Sometimes he would pull the cord out of the wall so I couldn’t even think of
calling for help.
I remember the last time it happened before my mother got up enough courage to bring in the
law and have him removed from our lives for good. I was so full of hatred and anger that I had
planned how I would kill him the next time he touched my mother. I knew I had the right to
feel the way I did! All of these memories rushed my thoughts and I thought I had forgiven him
by now. I began to realize that forgetting doesn’t mean you forgive. The word said to forgive
and forget, and I jumped right to the forgetting part because that was a chapter of my life that I
wanted to throw away and never remember. I knew God was calling me to forgive this man
who gave nothing but pain to my family. How could I truly lead this bible study lesson with
this un-forgiveness in my heart without at least talking about it?
I realized the only way I could forgive him was to ask for God’s help. I took the next month
asking God daily to help me forgive the man who hurt us so badly. He began to heal my heart
and gave me a heart of understanding and compassion for him. My forgiveness released him
and me. Today he has a new family, is a pastor and keeps in touch with my family. My mother
even talks to him to this day. I know God taught me how to forgive!
Tia
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SHE KNOWS JOURNAL PAGE
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Meet The Writers
47
Candy Lyles
My Best Habit:
One of my better habits I believe God has gifted me with is that of organization. I am wired for
it and enjoy it thoroughly in every aspect of my life.
My Worst Habit:
In the same sense, organization can be for me a mechanism that causes undue stress, not just for
myself, but for others around me. When I become overly organized then I become controlling.
This is an area that God has dealt greatly with me and I am grateful.
The Best Advice I’ve Received:
Not to rush ahead of God, to listen and wait. This is probably some of the best spiritual advice I
have heard and have had to experiment with to fully understand the benefits of its worth.
The Best Advice I’ve Given:
Listen first, think, then speak. Listening, processing, then speaking – if necessary – avoids
mistakes and gives God the chance to speak and work through others.
I Choose Silence When…
Others need to speak. God may be using someone to speak a word.
I Choose To Speak When…
I am prompted. I am learning to recognize the nudge of the Holy Spirit and believe that He can
use me to speak.
My Favorite Person of the Bible:
David. I am captivated by the realness of David’s humanity, yet his obvious need for God. God
knew David’s heart, He knows our hearts. That is what carries me when I stand in the midst of
a chaotic world based on performance and judgment.
My Signature Verse:
Psalm 40:1-3. For me, this sums up the goodness of God in my life. I owe God everything - for
His gift of grace in Jesus Christ and His gift of healing. My heart’s desire is to share His love,
faithfulness, and mercy to those who need a word of hope and encouragement.
My Big Question For God:
Am I being/doing what you had planned for me?
48
Celeste Kelley
My Best Habit:
Caring for others, especially women and teen girls.
My Worst Habit:
Getting upset when things are not done in the most excellent manner possible
The Best Advice I’ve Received:
It’s not about me, things happen in God’s time.
The Best Advice I’ve Given:
If a man walks away from you because you decide to live your life according to the Word, he
was not meant for you in the first place.
I Choose Silence When…
I don’t know the people around me or when I believe I may say something that will hurt
another’s feelings, even if they’ve hurt mine.
I Choose To Speak When…
After I’ve prayed and know it’s best.
My Favorite Person of the Bible:
Joseph
My Signature Verse:
Ephesians 3:20: Now unto him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all we could ask
or think according to the power that worketh in us.
My Big Question For God:
When Lord, When? LOL, He knows what I speak of specifically.
My Website:
www.SisterGirlSeries.com
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Kathy Ruch
My Best Habit:
Always running back to Him when I mess up. Even in shame and dishonor.
My Worst Habit:
Feeding the void in my Spirit with things besides Him.
The Best Advice I’ve Received:
God is never surprised by your mistakes. He knows exactly how many times it will take till you
get it right. He loves you all the way to the end.
The Best Advice I’ve Given:
If we could just live our lives according to the greatest commandment, the world would be
transformed.
I Choose Silence When…
I am angry and do not want to say something I will regret, I do not have an answer and don't
want to give a flippant response, when I am actually being a good friend and am listening more
than I am talking.
I Choose To Speak When…
Someone says something that questions God's character or Word, when a friend is hurting and
just needs to hear words of comfort and love, and when I know without a doubt God is telling
me to speak.
My Favorite Person of the Bible:
Joseph or David
My Signature Verse:
Psalm 73:23-28
My Big Question For God:
What purpose do You have for me that You didn't let me die?
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LaTara Ham-Ying
My Best Habit:
Cleaning
My Worst Habit:
Inconsistency
The Best Advice I’ve Received:
Live your life on purpose with purpose.
The Best Advice I’ve Given:
Take everything to God and wait until He speaks.
I Choose Silence When…
I know I am going to say the wrong thing.
I Choose To Speak When…
I know I am going to say the right thing.
My Favorite Person of the Bible:
David
My Signature Verse:
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
(Philippians: 2:13)
My Big Question For God:
Why do your people backbite and hate more than those who don’t believe?
My Website:
www.momunplugged.com
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Tia Ross
My Best Habit:
Taking risks and allowing God to teach me along the way!
My Worst Habit:
Trying to "help God out" and moving on things before God finishes His move!
The Best Advice I’ve Received:
Not to make a permanent decision in a temporary circumstance. ~T.D. Jakes
The Best Advice I’ve Given:
Be honest with God and others about your feelings! It will save you from heartache and hard
lessons. Let Him know how you feel! He already knows anyway, he is just waiting for you to
acknowledge it and release it to Him! Do not hold on to it!
I Choose Silence When…
I am not sure that God wants me to do.
I Choose To Speak When…
I have a burning desire to say it and I cannot hold it in!
My Favorite Person of the Bible:
This is hard to choose just one. Paul!
My Signature Verse:
OK...Psalm 139…read it!
My Big Question For God:
What name do you have for me? How did I do? What's the next assignment?
My Website:
www.adisaenterprises.com
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Tag Team Teachers
Randee
Randee Krumwiede
Randee is a Christian Coach and
founder of the Pink Collar Club:
A Christian Lifestyle Community
for Women. She is on a mission to
engage each member of the Pink
Collar Club in discovering and
implementing
God’s
unique
purpose for her life and His
Kingdom. She is the creator of The
Path To Purpose and The Coach
Approach to the Women of the
Bible.. Her heart for collaboration
has brought forth such works as
Mirror, Mirror…On The Wall and
Confessions of an Ugly Woman.
Woman
Randee is now working on her
first book entitled Life Language
along with Tonya Hedrick of Tag
Team Teachers.
Teach
Tonya Hedrick, M.A.
Tonya is a Christian Counselor
and founder of TLE Global. She is
on a mission to bring wholeness
out brokenness and transforming
lives every day through the Word
of God. She is the gifted
gift presenter
of workshops including Mask &
Feelings,
Feelings Exposing Manipulation,
and Game Over.
Over Tonya has spent
over a decade developing God’s
Internal Family and The Isaiah
Principle.
Principle She is the co-editor of
Confessions of an Ugly Woman
and is currently working on her
first book entitled Life Language
along with Randee Krumwiede of
Tag Team Teachers.
Tonya
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
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CD 1: Do You See What He Sees?
CD 2: The Symphony of Life
CD 3: The Fragrance of a Woman
CD 4: She Hungers...She Thirsts
CD 5: Awaken, She
She-Child!
CD 6: Her Holy Intuition
Order Beauty Exposed CDs for $12 Each
www.TagTeamTeachers.com
Teachers.com
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