Autumn 2015
Umbrella Ministries
Support of any kind was hard to find in 1997 when I lost my daughter Katie. We
searched everywhere to find someone who could understand our pain. It wasn’t until
months later when I received a phone call from a sweet woman by the name of Daisy
that things would begin to change. Little did I know how this one phone call would have
such an effect on my life. She informed me of a support group for moms who had lost a
child that would be meeting at our church. I attended that first meeting and even though
I still was in deep grief I felt I wasn’t alone. It was as if someone had tossed me a life saving device as I was going under for the last time.
Daisy’s vision for Umbrella Ministries was to offer our local community a safe place to
mourn. This would be a place for moms to pry open the complicated emotions that surround a mom after the death of a child. She also saw a need that we should not feel
alone during an often lonely journey. God had a much larger plan. This ministry that was
sketched out with love by two women over lunch on a paper napkin has grown. God has
taken this tiny napkin and blanketed the globe with the love and comfort Umbrella Ministries offers through God’s love. That was twenty years ago. How has this happened? It
has happened one mom at a time. One broken hearted mom opened her heart to another heartbroken mom, and in numbers we have found strength and healing.
These days many things are working to divide us. Some use religion, economics or race
to point out our differences. There is one thing that removes all of these barriers. That
barrier is the loss of a child and the love we feel for each other as we share our stories of
grief and the triumph over our grief. That is the desire of this ministry. We want to reach
out to all hurting moms, everywhere. We are seeing many moms stepping forward doing
what they can to help in their area. We have taken Daisy’s book, Under God’s Umbrella
to Nepal after the devastating earthquakes. We held two conferences in Uganda in
2014. Our little ministry has made it to Mexico and Liberia as well as many other countries we are not even aware of. This growth has not happened by professional grief counselors. This growth has happened by grieving moms just like you and me. Moms who
have managed to find healing and comfort in a loving God and who want to comfort others as we have been comforted. We pray you will open up your heart to other moms, and
help us blanket the globe with the Lord’s comfort through Umbrella Ministries. I promise
you, that is where your healing will take place.
We thank our friends and moms who have supported this ministry so that we can continue growing to meet the needs of all the grieving mothers all over the U.S. That is
Daisy’s God-given desire: to have an Umbrella Ministries representative in each of the 50
states. As the need grows, and the ministry grows to meet those needs, it has become
apparent that more help is needed to reach out through one and three -day conferences
and bereavement support groups all over. A conference planning guide book is being
formulated and a state representative would be able to assist, especially with a first-time
conference. A group-leader study guide was added to the “Under God’s Umbrella” book
so that a grieving mom could walk herself and other moms through the thought provoking and healing questions corresponding to the 19 chapters. The wonderful comments
we receive after each event tell us we are on the right track. Comments such as: “There
is hope through all this pain.” “The Lord created a new heart in me and let me share it
with other moms.” and “I felt that God is preparing me for a new phase in my life and this
conference was perfect for me.” We want to help them fulfill this promise: “So that we
can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from
God.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 NIV
Michele and the Board
Mark Your Calendars!
Montana One Day Conference
September 19, 2015
Whitefish Community Center
Whitefish, Montana
Mary Nobel 406.857.6734
[email protected]
East Coast 3 Day Conference
October 2-4, 2015
Port-O-Call, Ocean City, NJ
Ann Bennett 610.613.8117
[email protected]
Lodi, CA, One Day Retreat
October 17, 2015.
Speaker: Daisy Catchings Shader
Marchelle Meyer 916.947.6767
[email protected]
Palm Desert, CA Parents’ Dinner
November 6, 2015
Speaker: Keith Erickson
Desert Falls Country Club
Joyce Godier 760.880.2909
San Diego Events
October 17 Break Out Group
December 5 Christmas Celebration
Speaker: Daisy Catchings Shader
Info: umbrellaministriessd.com
Linda Stirling 619.287.871
2016 Upcoming Events
Musical Journey of the Heart Concert
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Southwest Church, Indian Wells, CA
Texas One Day Conference
February 27th Houston, Texas
Speaker Kay Warren
Kelly Ogansoy 281.787.6948
[email protected]
West Coast 3 Day Conference
April 8-10
Desert Princess Resort
Cathedral City, CA
Info: Michele 760.775.0296
June
Louisiana One Day Conference
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Stephanie Maciasz 225.938.0202
[email protected]
Sibling Grief by Dawn Macchiavello, M.Ed., M.A
When a parent dies, you lose the past. When a
child dies, you lose the future. When a sibling
dies, you lose the past and the future.”
Anonymous
The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss.
Siblings are often overlooked in their own
heartache and grief. It is often referred to as
an “ambiguous loss” which is a loss that goes unrecognized.
This happens for several reasons. Friends and relatives often
focus their sympathy on the parents, often ignoring the loss of
the sibling. Many children fear upsetting their parents with their
own grief. Surviving children often “lose” their parents for some
time as the parents grieve the death of the sibling. A surviving
child may feel as if the “wrong one” or “favorite child” died and
the parents would have preferred if he or she had died rather
than the sibling. Parents can be so overwhelmed with their own
grief that they forget their living children still need reassurance
they are loved and wanted.
THE NATURE OF THE SIBLING BOND:
Siblings have a strong bond due to the fact that siblings are the
longest lasting relationship in our lives. In an entire lifetime, we
know our siblings for longer than anyone else, even our
spouses. We share DNA, life events and life changes together.
WHAT SIBLING GRIEF LOOKS LIKE IN OUR CHILDREN:
From birth to two years old, children have no understanding of
death and will be mostly impacted by the loss of a parent. They
can still be affected by the grief of a surviving parent or caregiver. In the preschool years, children are curious about death
and may believe it is temporary or reversible. At this stage of
development, children are self-centered and as a result, may
blame themselves as the cause of events around them. They
are still affected by the grief of other family members and may
revert to an earlier stage of development like bedwetting or
thumb-sucking since they are not able to express their feelings
in words.
still feel a range of emotions and may worry about their own
death. Children have short attention spans so their grief will
also appear in brief periods. The grief might surface in the form
of physical symptoms such as stomachaches or headaches because children have underdeveloped coping skills and might
not know how to express their feelings.
Teenagers have an adult-like understanding of death but have
not developed the coping mechanisms to deal with it. They may
struggle with a wide range of emotions and have a difficult time
reconciling the death of a sibling with their faith in God.
If we lose our sibling during our young adulthood, we learn the
hard way that life does not always unfold as we planned. We
also may experience anger that our sibling is not there for important life events and we will miss out on them as a significant
part of our lives.
HELPING YOUR CHILD COPE WITH THEIR GRIEF
Explain death in simple and direct terms with information that is
age-appropriate for your child's developmental level. Since their
cognitive abilities are developing, they will need to have many
short conversations and we may need to repeat the same information many times as they try to understand this loss. (Use
books or drawings to help a younger child understand death.)
Give your child a sense of safety by keeping routines as consistent as possible and continue to set boundaries on behavior.
This will reassure them that they are loved and cared for.
Encourage your child to ask questions, talk about their sibling,
and express their emotions in a journal or drawing.
Make sure your child understands that they are not to blame for
their sibling’s death.
Explain that grief involves a wide range of emotions, it is normal
for the pain of grief to come and go and that the tears are often
unpredictable.
If your child is older, encourage them to talk to an adult
Older children have a better understanding of death but may
(continued on the next page)
Marriage Matters by Dr. Doug and BJ Jensen
HE SAYS: Why do
we have difficulties in communicating
sometimes?
SHE SAYS: One
reason is that
one of us doesn’t listen very attentively!
HE SAYS: What did you say?
SHE SAYS: Real cute, Doug.
HE SAYS: Well, sometimes one of us
doesn’t listen as well as they could because one of us doesn’t get to the point
of the conversation and the other one
tunes out. I like conversations that get to
the bottom line first and then the flowery
fillers can be added.
SHE SAYS: I resemble communicating
like that! I can work on that. There are
times when I don’t feel heard. What else
can I do to help us communicate better?
HE SAYS: For one thing, make sure you
have my attention before you speak,
and make sure it isn’t at the fourth
quarter, two minutes to go!
SHE SAYS: And I would be more receptive to listening to you if you looked me
in the eye, touched my shoulder to get
my attention, or helped me clean up the
dinner dishes while we were sharing our
day.
WE SAY: The truth is, we aren’t born
with good listening skills. We need to
take an active role in developing listen-
ing techniques.
WHEN MARRIAGE MATTERS: If your listening skills aren’t working effectively
for you, look for new techniques to apply to your conversations.
Doug and BJ Jensen are Authors,
Dramatists, Song Writers and Sign Artists. They have produced 18 DVDs and
written 16 books including Famous Lovers in the Bible, Marriage Building Secrets We Learn from Their Relationships and Finding Hope After the Devastating Loss of Beloved Children.
[email protected]
www.signingchoir.com
and
From the Heart of a Mom
Excerpts from MY UNWANTED GRIEF JOURNEY
By Megan’s Mom, Jan Tamble
I never imagined someone would ask me to write on grief. I do
not want to write on grief. I do not want to grieve. I do not want to
hurt or feel pain. I do not want to be in this “club” – NO – not me!
I thought the worse grief I could ever experience was my divorce
in 1990 – unwanted, unseen, unanswered – painful to the core…
But then…a call. THE call…In 2012, the same weekend that my
middle daughter went into labor to deliver her first baby – the
biggest JOY imaginable - my youngest daughter Megan lay in a
hospital bed in Tucson drugged with morphine, with a death sentence – STAGE IV COLON CANCER – with 4 to 6 months to live.
I know of women who have lost more than one child and now
having lost one, I realize the reality of it. Death of a child forever
changes you. FOREVER. I am still in the Umbrella Ministries
group of mothers and am so grateful for them and their ministry
to help “shelter” those who have lost a child with an umbrella of
love, compassion and understanding. They “get it”. They understand. Though we do not sit around and cry at our meetings – we
can if we need to! We might actually laugh and cry in the same
sentence – in the same breath! We can relate because each
mother there “knows”. Knows what the loss of a child feels like,
and we know what NOT to say – the very things we do not want
to hear ourselves! The very things I might have said myself before we experienced our own grief journey….
Yet – I WANT to hear Megan’s name, I want you to share memories of her, I want to know what you did together, what you enjoyed about Megan – what made you crazy even! My biggest fear
is that people will forget – That the loss of Megan will ease over
time for those who knew her and that she might be forgotten!
BUT, a mother cannot forget the child she bore, the fetus she
carried – that had 10 fingers and 10 toes. I counted them all
while I held her for the first time! We cannot forget their first
words, their first steps, and their first ANYTHING! How can we? I
do not want to, and I do not want you to either! I want Megan
kept alive in my heart and yours, through the funny stories,
through the pictures, through your words – and mine. I want permission to talk about her and I want you to take the liberty to do
so. She is NOT gone – she just resides in a different place for
now and the saddest part is that I have to wait to actually “see
her” again and reunite!
People say you just adjust to “the new normal”. I am not sure I
know what normal is – either before Megan passed – or now –
let alone a “new normal”, but I do know that things are different
and the loss of Megan means things will never be the same. Can
life be good? Yes. Can I be happy? Yes. Can I find joy? Yes – and
I do - but none of this takes away the sadness or depth of the
pain of the loss of a child. Nothing…Ever…
I still grieve – celebrating Megan’s life and mourning the loss. I
believe that grief does not end. It changes. Some days the grief
is more vivid, more intense than other days. It is a tidal wave
that tumultuously devours the coastline leaving wreckage and I
become a bawling baby overwhelmed beyond belief. Other days
the pain becomes less intense at times, but it remains. On those
days it is like a gentle wave brushing up on the shore of the
beaches, gently washing over my toes – something manageable.
Grief becomes a celebration of what was given, not lost. I am
making progress on this journey.
Book Review Corner
Sandie Moore
PRAYERS & PROMISES FOR TIMES OF LOSS
by Pamela L. McQuade
"I will never leave you nor forsake you" Joshua 1:5 NIV
Where is God? When you're grieving, it may be hard to
sense His presence. Sometimes it's even difficult to meet
Him in prayer. Often, it's hard to know what to pray or
how to begin.
The scriptural promises and contemporary prayers in this
book will help you hold on to faith and grow closer to God.
Through the doubt, despair, and loneliness of your loss,
these devotions can comfort and sustain you. Know that
God cares for you--now more than ever.
God brings each Christian many blessings, but none of us
can avoid the pain of loss. Since the Fall, humanity has
mourned the death of loved ones and struggled to understand why physical and emotional havoc occur. Those
who hurt often need help to focus on one idea at a time or
require a starting place for their prayers and meditation.
This book is designed to comfort, encourage and
strengthen us as we deal with the pain. Ms.McQuade has
provided helpful insights on 54 of God's promises from
dealing with Anger through Yielding. Through these pages
she reminds us that Jesus is our Savior and faithful
Friend; always willing to lift up and encourage the hurting
heart.
(Sibling Grief continued from previous page)
outside the family about what they are experiencing. Seek out
an age-specific support group for them.
Reassure your child that it is never disloyal to their sibling for
them to feel happy and to have fun. Their sibling would want
them to live a full life.
Help your child find a way to memorialize their sibling (a memory book, quilt, picture, stuffed animal, etc.)
Speak with a mental health professional if you are concerned
about your child's behavior.
Dawn is in private practice, please visit
www.ocpastoralcounseling.com to check out the blog (under
the HOME page heading) and subscribe if you would like to
receive updates.
Dawn Macchiavello, M.Ed., M.A.
949*201*9113
www.ocpastoralcounseling.com
NON-PROFIT
ORGANIZATION
U.S. POSTAGE PAID
PALM DESERT, CA
PERMIT NO. 850
www.umbrellaministries.org
email: [email protected]
P.O. Box 4906 Palm Springs, CA 92263
Helping Moms Who Have Lost a Child
Like us on Facebook at
Grieving Moms/Umbrella Ministries
Please send your email address to [email protected] to receive our
Journey of the Heart Conferences
You are invited to come together for a day or weekend experiencing …
Inspirational speakers and workshops sharing insights
on grief and the tools with which to cope.~
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Meeting new friends walking on the same road and journey towards healing.
~ ~
Special times of sharing, caring, bonding and the making of lasting friendships.
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A special time of celebrating and remembering our children through:
A beautiful candlelight program and Heaven bound balloon release.
This is Umbrella Ministries. We'd love for you to share in the positive, upward, onward, inward momentum that
Umbrella Ministries offers,
mother to mother, heart to heart.