the bully, the bullied, and the not-so-innocent bystander
by
Barbara Coloroso
, 2015
Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2005, 2009, 2015
www.kidsareworthit.com
[email protected]
800.729.1588
permission granted for school and parent use
Brave-hearted
Witness, resister,
defender dislikes
the bullying and
helps or tries to help
the one who is bullied.
Bully/Bullies
Plan and/or
start the bullying
and take
an active part
Henchmen
Take an active part
but do not start
the bullying
The Target
The one who is bullied
Active Supporters
Cheer the bully on
and seek social
or material gain
Potential Defenders
Oppose the bullying and
know they ought to help,
but do not act
Disengaged Onlookers
Passive Supporters
Like the bullying but do
not show open support
An adaptation of
The Bullying Circle
by Dan Olweus, PhD
used with permission
and
not-so-innocent
bystander
From The bully,
Bully,the
Thebullied,
Bullied,
andthe
The
Bystander
15
Barbara Coloroso ©2002, 2005, 2009, 2013
www.kidsareworthit.com kids are worth it! inc.
800.729.1588 fax 303.972.3237
Illustrations by Joey Coloroso
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Excerpts from The bully, the bullied, and
the not-so-innocent bystander
Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2015
www.kidsareworthit.com
[email protected]
800.729.1588
reasons
,1!#* and excuses
The question that begs to be asked: “Why would 81 percent of
the kids who would not instigate bullying be so willing to become
a part of the attack or turn a blind eye to the plight of the targeted
child?” There are a few valid reasons and lots of excuses.
The four reasons most often given for not intervening:
1. The bystander is afraid of getting hurt.
2. The bystander is afraid of becoming a new target of the bully.
3. The bystander is afraid of doing something that will only make
the situation worse.
4. The bystander does not know what to do.
As legitimate as they are, these reasons do not shore up the
self-confidence or self-respect that is eroded when a child witnesses
a bullying incident and is unable or unwilling to respond effectively
to stop the cruelty. All too often these fears and lack of skill can turn
into apathy—a potent friend of contempt. Contempt grows best in
a climate of indifference.
Bystanders have more excuses than valid reasons for not intervening.
These excuses help poison the social environment, increasing
the likelihood that bystanders will side with the bully and eventually
assume the role of bullies themselves. They include but are
certainly not limited to these nine:
1. The bully is my friend.
2. It’s not my problem! This is not my fight!
3. She is not my friend.
4. He’s a loser.
5. He deserved to be bullied, asked for it, had it coming.
6. Bullying will toughen him up.
7. Kids have a deeply embedded code of silence.
8. It’s better to be in the in-group than to defend the outcasts.
9. It’s too big a pain in the brain. Added bonus—the headache is gone.
Taken together, these reasons and excuses contribute to the erosion
of civility in peer group interactions. When civility is diminished,
it is replaced by a false sense of entitlement, an intolerance
toward differences, and a liberty to exclude that allow kids to harm
another human being without feeling empathy, sympathy, compassion,
or shame. This erosion of civility also erodes kids’ ability to
communicate, negotiate, and compromise—three vital skills necessary
for solving problems, resolving conflicts, and reconciling differences
peaceably.
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The Net Neighborhood
Children are doubling up on their
media exposure—watching TV
while plugged in to the Internet,
text messaging while listening to
music—and packing as much as
8.5 hours of media exposure into
6.5 hours a day, seven days a
week. Kids are plugged in, turned
on, and tuned out for the equivalent
of a forty-five-hour workweek,
every week.
Media technology has the power
to help define reality for our kids;
it also has tremendous influence on
who our kids become and what
kind of world they inhabit.
Ways and Means
of Cell Phone Bullying
©Joey Coloroso 2007
Cyberbullies
Bullies are using high tech tools to
threaten, stalk, ridicule, humiliate,
taunt, and spread rumors about
their targets. The characteristics of
bullying—imbalance of power, the
intent to harm, the threat of further
aggression, and the creation of
terror—are magnified with the user
of electronic technologies.
Connecting to the Internet is like
opening the door to a new--and
vast—city.
• Some parents look at the ugly and
absolutely scary stuff out there and Faceless and nameless electronic
transmissions make it easy for
refuse to let the Internet be a part
bullies to torment their targets
of their family life at all.
anywhere and at any time.
• Some parents are so ill-informed
and have so little desire to be
Bullies are:
computer literate that they allow
1. emboldened by apparent
their children to roam any and all
anonymity afforded them in
streets, back alleys, and freeways
cyberspace
of the Internet.
2. removed from the immediate
• Some parents who know how
reaction of the target,
ignorant they are, make an effort to
3. far often not held
learn at least as much as their young
accountable for their actions.
children know, and more—especially
about Net safety and Net etiquette.
They realize the Net is here to stay, Faceless and nameless electronic
transmissions make it easy for
and that teaching children to use it
bullies to torment their targets
to their advantage, to get the most
out of it, and to be safe requires the anywhere and at anytime, with
same tools that other communication apparent anonymity, distributing of
irretrievable messages worldwide.
and relationship skills require.
Many models of today’s cell phones
are actually powerful, miniature,
handheld multimedia computers
that kids can use to talk to one
another, chat via IM, send text
messages with still and video
images, chat online, surf the Internet,
download songs, and watch TV.
Bullies use any and all of the
following to target their peers:
• Abusive, insulting, or threatening
voice messages.
• Abusive, insulting, or threatening
text messages.
• Silent calls.
• Stolen identity--sending text
message through a Website using
the name and phone number of the
target in order to get the target into
trouble, spread a rumor, or tempt
others to retaliate against an
unsuspecting target.
• Numerous calls or text messages
to a cell phone in order to run up a
large phone bill for the target.
• Photo-bullying—using cell phones
to take compromising or humiliating
pictures or videos of the target,
sending those pictures or videos to
everyone in their address books and
posting these pictures for perpetuity
on file-sharing service (such as
Kazaa) for anyone to download or
view.
excerpts from the bully, the bullied, and
excerpts
from the bully,
the bullied, and the
the
not-so-innocent
bystander
bystander,
Barbara Coloroso
by
Barbara Coloroso
© 2015 © 2005
www.kidsareworthit.com
www.kidsareworthit.com
kids are worth it! inc. 800.729.1588
[email protected]
fax 303.972.1204 p.o. box 621108
800.729.1588
T
Littleton, Colorado 80162
Internet Gaming
• Closely monitor your child’s TV
viewing, video game playing,
Games played on gaming devices
computer activities, and music.
such as Sony PlayStation 2 Network • Engage in more constructive,
or Xbox Live allow players from
entertaining, and energizing
around the world to play together or activities.
in competition with one another.
• Teach your child to “will good.”
Cyber bullies who frequent gaming
communities taunt, threaten, lock
The discipline involved is a
targets out of the game, or hack into constructive and compassionate
their target’s account.
response to cyberbullying that takes
into consideration the intent, the
Not all Internet games are violent,
severity of the cyberbullying, and
but those that are, greatly impact the the restorative steps needed to help
bully, the bullied, and the bystander. the cyberbully to take on a more
Not only do these games normalize prosocial role in the face-to-face
violence and make it routine, they
encounters with peers and in the
set up other people as adversaries,
virtual neighborhood.
prey, or targets; they may even help
create neural pathways that connect
Helping the Cyberbullied
violence with pleasure and rewards,
rather than fright, sadness, and
Being targeted in cyberspace can
sympathy.
have devastating and sometimes
deadly consequences.
Stopping Cyberbullying
• The warning signs that kids exhibit
Whether the cyberbullying is done
when being cyberbullied are similar
via the cell phone or any other
to those exhibited if they are bullied
electronic tool—or combination of in any other way, but the spiral down
tools—the response should begin
into depression, illness, and
with the loss of privileges related to academic failure is usually
the use of those tools. The following accelerated when cyberbullying is
steps are the same used to hold
involved.
any bully accountable for any form • Cyberbullying can and does
of bullying:
happen anytime and anywhere—no
escape.
• Intervene immediately with
• All of the reasons for not telling
discipline utilizing the three Rs:
about being the target of low-tech
restitution, resolution, and
bullying are the same for
reconciliation.
cyberbullying.
• Create opportunities to “do good.” • Added fear that if targets report
• Nurture empathy and sympathy.
being cyberbullied, their parents
• Teach friendship skills—assertive, will take away their cell phones and
respectful, and peaceful ways to
restrict their computer access.
relate to others.
How to Respond
The situation is often made worse
by responding to the cyberbully,
whether that response is passive,
aggressive, or assertive.
SCBT (Stop, Copy, Block, and
Tell a trusted adult.)
• Stop. Don’t respond.
• Copy. Make copies of all messages
and pictures, and save cell phone
text and voice messages.
• Block or filter communications
through IM contact list or email.
• Tell a trusted adult.
If the cyberbullying is threatening
or vicious you may need to do the
following as well:
• Change email address, account,
username, phone number and/or
SIM (subscriber identity module)
for cell phone users.
• File a detailed complaint with the
school.
• File a complaint with the Website,
Internet service provider, or cell
phone company.
• Contact the police if the
cyberbullying appears to be
criminal.
• Contact an attorney. It is possible
to seek financial damages from the
cyberbully and his or her parents.
Bystanders
They can be willing or unwitting
accomplices to cyberbullies. Bullies
can use bystanders to do
“cyberbullying by proxy.”
From Bystander to Witness
It is never easy to stand up to a bully
or defend a target. But just as there
are ways to act courageously in the
real world, there are ways to stand
up, speak out, and defend a target in
the cyberworld.
Tactics
• Don’t contribute to a blog or Webpoll that denigrates or humiliates a
target. Sign off or click “end.”
• Don’t forward or copy-and-paste
derogatory, harmful, or hurtful emails, text messages, or pictures to
another site.
• Save, copy, and print out such
examples of cyberbullying and give
them to the target so he or she can
be aware of what is happening.
Sharing such information in a caring
and supportive way will help the
target feel less isolated and alone.
• Tell a caring adult you trust who
will keep your identity confidential,
who will act to support the target,
and who will make sure the
cyberbully is held to account.
• Tell the cyberbully that you are not
comfortable getting involved in the
cyberbullying.
Three P’s:
Policies, Procedures, and
Programs
Even though most cyberbullying
occurs outside of school, it
negatively impacts students and the
school environment. It has already
led to violence—including murder
and suicide—in schools throughout
the world.
If your school already has an
antibullying policy, procedures in
place for the bully, the bullied, and
bystanders, and programs that help
break the cycle of violence and
create a more caring, inclusive
environment, it is important that an
electronic component be added to
all three P’s:
must be educated not only about the
dangers of low-tech and high-tech
bullying, but also about the world
of high tech in general as both an
environment and a tool for
socializing that the younger
generation has fully embraced.
Decoding the Code
Kids use shorthand to quickly send
text messages to one another. It is
important to know the lingo. A few
common codes used:
• HHOJ: Ha, ha, only joking (or JJ:
just joking). Both are used to absolve
cyberbullies of any responsibility for
their taunts.
• LOL: Laughing out loud.
• BRB: Be right back.
Want over
to goshoulder.
private?
• WTGP:
POS:
Parent
Text
• Policies must include a sanction
• 9: Parent in the room.
against cyberbullying as well as
• YRDM: You are dead meat.
other kinds of bullying. Students
• YBS: You’ll be sorry.
and parents need to be informed that • ASL: Age/sex/location.
cyberbullying will not be tolerated. • LMIRL: Let’s meet in real life.
• Procedures for restorative justice
• F2F: Face to face.
must be tailored to the unique
• SOHF: Sense of humor failure.
problems and possible solutions
• RUITD: Are you in the Dark?
required to repair the damage done
Check out
out Websites
websites such
through cyberbullying—especially Check
such as:
as
www.netlingo.com
the very public and potentially
www.netlingo.com.
www.commonsensemedia.org
permanent aspect of it.
www.StopCyberbullying.org
Kids have to trust that telling an
• Programs must address what
•Ask
your kids to teach you a few of
adult will make a positive difference. cyberbullying is; how it impacts
the
shortcuts on the cell phone. It is
www.EndRevenge.Porn.org
www.EndRevengePorn.org
Once they have shared information students; what students are to do if important
that you know and make
www.RedHoodProject.com
with you, talk with them about what they are targeted or if they are aware the effort to keep up with the lingo
• Askkids
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to teach you a few of
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Barbara
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If your child begs you not to get
responsible manner.
www.kidsareworthit.com
kidsareare
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kids
worth
it! inc. 800.729.1588
303.972.1204 p.o. box 621108
share your concerns about possible What is needed is a comprehensive fax
excerptsColorado
from the80162
bully, the bullied, and
Littleton,
consequences of not acting and the school-led/community-based
the not-so-innocent bystander
by Barbara Coloroso © 2015
possible actions you both can take. approach. The adult community
www.kidsareworthit.com
[email protected]
800.729.1588
Three P’s
for a school-led/community based approach
Anti-bullying Policy: Must be clearly articulated, consistently enforced, and broadly
communicated. It should include a clear definition of what bullying is, the types of
bullying, and the overlays that often increase the cruelty and impact of the bullying.
Sample: Bullying is a conscious, willful, deliberate activity intended to harm where the
perpetrator(s) get pleasure from the targeted child’s pain/and or misery. It can be verbal,
physical, and/or relational; have as it’s overlay race, ethnicity, religion, gender (including
sexual orientation), physical, or mental ability; includes all forms of hazing and
cyberbullying. It can be and often is continuous and repeated over time, but does not
have to be. Once is enough to constitute bullying.
Include in the policy a statement of responsibility of those who witness the bullying to
seek to stop it by intervening, helping the targeted student escape, and/or telling a caring
adult.
Anti-bullying Procedures: Clearly outline the consequences for the bully—and any
henchmen or other bystanders who played an active supporting role in the bullying.
These procedures should include discipline measures that will be taken to hold the
students accountable for their actions. (I recommend some form of restorative justice, i.e.
Restitution, Resolution, and if possible, an attempt at Reconciliation at the targeted
student’s behest.) Procedures for restorative justice are tailored to the unique problems
and possible solutions to repair the damage done. It is helpful to incorporate into the plan
the six other ways to reform the perpetrator(s). Parent are notified of the bullying and
asked to take measures at home that will help in the restorative justice process.
Clearly outline what measures will be taken to keep the targeted student safe at school,
give him or her tools to stand up to the perpetrators, and support to keep the targeted
student from succumbing to the bullying. Identify a person or persons to whom the
student can safely report any further bullying incidences. Notify parent(s) of incident and
school’s plan. Give parent(s) the method to use to report any further targeting of their
child. (see how to report)
Programs: Develop programs that back up and reinforce the policy as well as help to
create a safe, caring, and welcoming environment for all students.
It is the school culture and social environment that these policies, procedures, and
programs create as well as reflect. We can rewrite the script and create for our youth
alternative, healthier roles that require no pretense or violence. We can rechannel the
behaviors of the youth who bully into positive leadership activities; acknowledge the
non-aggressive behaviors of a youth who is bullied as strengths that can be developed and
are honored; and transform the role of the bystander into that of witness, resister, and
defender. A daunting but necessary task.
Barbara Coloroso © 2002, 2005, 2009, 2015