Introduction to
Gottman Method
Couples Therapy
Andrew Counts, MA, LPC, ALPS
Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
Kanawha Pastoral Counseling Center
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What it is,
What it isn’t…
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It IS an Introduction to the Gottman Method
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It is NOT an official Gottman Training.
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It IS a review of some of the Gottman Research
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It is not a comprehensive review or explanation
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It IS an introduction to a couple of interventions
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It is NOT a license to call yourself a Gottman Trained
Therapist.
John and Julie Gottman
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John’s Dilemma:
Research or Relationship?
“Non Fingo Hypotheses”
THE LOVE LAB
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Combining wisdom from four decades of
research with over 3,000 couples
Seven Principles toward building a strong,
satisfying and meaningful relationship
GOTTMAN
Seven
Principles
Program
FOR COUPLES
Love Lab Film
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The Research
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*36 Years of Research, Representative Samples,
Happy-Stable, Not Only Ailing Relationships
*Multi-Method: Physiology, Self-Report,
Behavior
*Multi-Situational: Conflict, Events, Apartment
Lab
*Longitudinal (Up to 20 Years) and
*Developmental (Babies, Children)
The Research (cont.)
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Gay, Lesbian, as well as Heterosexual
Domestic Violence
Transition to Parenthood
Theoretical and Mathematical
Intervention and Prevention Research
Extension to Lower-Income Populations
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What is “Dysfunctional” in Relationships?
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Busting a Few Common Myths
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- Quid pro Quo
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-Lowering Expectations
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What is True, Based on Research?
– More Negativity than Positivity
– Escalation of Negative Affect
– The Four Horsemen
The Four Horsemen
 Criticism
 Defensiveness
 Contempt
 Stonewalling
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The Four Horsemen Film
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What is “Functional” When a
Relationship Goes Well?
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• Answers Come from Studying Relationships
that Last and are Satisfying Longitudinally
• Previous Research had to Rely on Therapist’s
Fantasies of What a Good Relationship was Like
• This Knowledge Determines Some of The Goals
of Therapy
• Matched Preferred Conflict Styles
• Dialogue, Not Gridlock
• Successful Repairs
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What is Different about
Gottman Method Couples Therapy?
• New Approach to Conflict Management
Versus Resolution
• Not All Conflicts are the Same: Hidden
Agendas — Existential
• Building a Basic Relationship Skill Set in the
Couple. What Should That Skill Set Be?
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What Is Our Focus?
• Our Focus is on Emotion
• Build Skills for Managing Conflict
• Build Skills for Friendship
• Create Shared Meaning
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Turning Film
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Three Domains:
• Constructive Conflict
• Friendship/Intimacy/Positive Affect Systems
• Shared Meaning
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Assessment: Overview
• The Couple’s Experience of Assessment
• Multi-Method Assessment in Three Sessions
– Session 1: Conjoint
– Session 2: Individual Sessions
– Session 3: Contracting Session
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When is Couples Therapy
Contra-Indicated?
• Ongoing Affair
• Characterological Domestic Violence
• May Need to Add or Refer for Individual Treatment
Which Must Be Highly Coordinated with the
Couple’s Therapy
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Assessment: Session 1 Summary
• Welcome
• Office Disclosure Statement
• The Couple’s Narrative: What We Look for in Their
Story and How They Tell It
• Oral History Interview
• Video Tape a Conflict Discussion
• Instructions for Individual Sessions
• Questionnaires
Sampling Couple
Conflict Interaction
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• Setting Up the Conflict Discussion
• Critical Behaviors to Observe
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Escalation: The Four Horsemen
Emotional Engagement or Disengagement
Accepting Influence
Repair (Pre-Emptive or after Negativity)
Positive Affect (Humor, Affection, Empathy)
Use of Video
Physiological Arousal
Compromise
The Argument Clinic
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Monty Python in a Couple
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Additional Dimensions for Assessment
• Sentiment Override
• Friendship
• Meaning
Fondness and Admiration
This principle involves thinking about each other in
fond and admiring ways vs. negatively and critically.
Fondness & Admiration =
Friendship =
Passion & Intimacy
Affection, Fondness & Admiration can be rekindled
Fondness & Admiration are antidotes for contempt
Accept Influence
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“... a relationship succeeds to the
extent that the husband can accept
influence from his wife.... A husband's
ability to be influenced by his wife is
crucial - research shows that women
are already well practiced at
accepting influence from men. A
true partnership only occurs when a
husband can do the same thing.” -John
Gottman
Written Assessment:
Questionnaires
• Locke Wallace: Relationship Satisfaction
• Weiss-Cerretto: Breakup Potential
• The Sound Relationship House
Questionnaires
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Sound Relationship House
Questionnaires
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Love Maps
Fondness and Admiration
Turning Towards
Negative Sentiment Override
Harsh Startup
Accepting Influence
Repair Attempts
Compromise
Gridlock on Perpetual Issues
Four Horsemen
Flooding
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Emotional Disengagement
and Loneliness
Sex, Romance, Passion
Shared Meanings
– Rituals
– Roles
– Goals
– Symbols
• Trust
• Commitment
19-Areas Checklist for Solvable
and Perpetual Problems
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Emotional Connection
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Handling Stress
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Disagreements
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Romance and Passion
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Sex
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Critical Incident
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Children
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In-laws
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Jealousy
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Affair(s)
Unpleasant Fights
Values and Goals
Hard Times
Teamwork
Power Struggles
Finances
Fun
Community
Spirituality
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Three “Detour” Scales
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These Scales Provide Additional Clinical Information
• Chaos
• Meta-Emotion
• Family History
Additional Questionnaires
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• Gottman Emotional Abuse
Questionnaire (EAQ)
• Control, Fear, Suicide Potential, and Acts
of Physical Aggression Questionnaire
• SCL-90: Psychopathology Screen
• CAGE AID
• Brief Michigan Alcohol Screening Test
(b-MAST)
Assessment: Session 2
Individual Sessions
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Assess:
‒ Individual Narratives
‒ Commitment to Relationship
‒ Hopes and Expectations and Fears
‒ Prior Therapy
‒ Cost/Benefit Analyses
‒ Potential Co-morbidities (Domestic Violence, Depression,
Addictions, Ongoing Affair, Psychopathology)
‒ Relevant Family History
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Assessment: Session 3
Conjoint Session
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What is the Nature of the Couple’s Friendship?
What Kind of Sentiment Override is There?
What is the Nature of Conflict and Its Regulation?
Do They Honor Life Dreams?
Do They Create Shared Meaning?
Potential Resistances (e.g., Chaos)
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Discussing and Deciding About Goals
• Importance of Therapeutic Alliance
with Both People
• Continuance of Therapy is NOT
assumed!
• Seek “Buy-In”
• Setting Therapeutic Goals as a
Partnership with the Couple
Typical Goals
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Break through, resolve conflict when stuck
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Generate greater understanding between
partners
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Keep conflict discussions calm
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Increase respect, affection, and closeness
Process
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Structure of a Typical Session
What The Therapist Can Say: Principles:
– Here and Now
– Affect Focus
– Therapy Dyadic Not Triadic
– Integrates Therapist’s Empathy and Understanding
With Psycho-Education
What the Therapist Actually Says
– Therapist Articulates Emotions and Has Them Talk to
One Another
Interventions
 Dyadic
 Low
Emotional Cost – even fun
 “Mass
 Help
and Fade”
Couples have a better
conversation next time – Without
the Therapist!
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Key Interventions from
the Gottman Library
• Gottman-Rapoport
Intervention
• Eliminate the Four
Horsemen
• Dreams Within Conflict
• Aftermath of a Fight
• Build Love Maps
• The Stress-Reducing
Conversation
• Build Rituals of Connection
• Create Shared Meaning
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Conflict Goal:
Develop Six Skills
1. Gentle Start-Up
2. Accept Influence
3. Make Effective Repairs During Conflict
4. De-Escalate
5. Compromise
6. Physiological Soothing
Soft “Start-Up”
“A
soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger...”
Proverbs
15:1
HARSH STARTUP
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96% of the time, conversations that begin with a
harsh startup will end negatively.
“You never clean up after yourself; do I look
like your mother?”
Tips for Good Complaints
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State your needs without attacking
or blaming the other person.
Describe your side as your
perception, not 'the absolute truth'.
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Focus on specific behavior, not
global judgments.
The Formula for Complaints
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I feel _______________
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About ________________
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And I need (or request)
________________
FLOODING
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The result of perceived criticism and
contempt from your partner
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Stonewalling is a defense against flooding
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Can lead to disengaging emotionally
Julie Intervenes with
Flooding and Criticism
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It’s NOT about…
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Too Upset?
 How
fast is
Upset?
 Heart Beat 100
BPM or Greater
A Song to remember...
Stayin' Alive
Soothe Yourself
Just
Soothe
Breathe...
yourself and your partner...
Take
a Time – Out
Conflict Goal:
Move from Gridlock to Dialogue
Help the Partner Understand
the Underlying Dreams
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• Getting at Underlying Dream or Meaning Behind
Position on the Issue
• Speaker — State Position without Blame, with
Depth
• Listener — Ask Questions About History, Meaning,
and Dream Within Partner’s Position (Don’t Try to
Solve the Issue)
Dreams Within Conflict
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Conflict Goal:
Process Fights and
Regrettable Incidents
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• Two Subjective Realities, Both Right
• Feelings List
• Validate Each Other’s Realities
• Triggers
• Admitting Mode
• How to Make It Better Next Time
Section 6.4.5
Intro to Aftermath of a Fight
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5.5 Magic Hours:
Keep the Magic Alive
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Summary
• Therapy is Theory-Based
• Therapy Starts with Assessment
• Therapy has Three Domains
– Manage Conflict
– Build Friendship
– Create Shared Meaning
What’s Next?
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• Level 1 – Bridging the Couples Chasm
• Level 2 – Assessment, Intervention, and
Co-Morbidities
• Level 3 –Practicum Training
• Becoming a Certified Gottman Therapist
• Learn to Present “The Art & Science of Love”
Workshop for Couples