WORST DATE EVER
By Tim Mogford
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SYNOPSIS: “Don’t undersell yourself. This might be the worst date ever.”
Nick spent a lot of time planning this date with Emily, but a series of
unexpected events ensures that nothing goes the way he had hoped. To add
insult to injury, the date rapidly unravels in public, as shoppers pass to and
fro. Will this date be the disaster it seems or will Emily see through Nick’s
ill-advised plans to the sweet intentions underneath?
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(1 MAN, 1 WOMAN, 2-5 EXTRAS)
NICK (m) ..........................Teen. Serious, sincere and anxious. Nick is
actually desperately romantic, though it is usually
not apparent at all.
EMILY (f).........................Teen. Bright, sweet and genuine, this might be
Emily’s first “real” date. She is young and selfconscious enough to resent Nick’s lack of finesse;
but she is also sensitive enough to eventually
understand and appreciate where it comes from.
SHOPPERS (m/f)..............Two to five. These roles can be played by any
type, and costume changes can be used to make
two people look like a different couple. Though
non-speaking, there are a couple of occasions
where a burst of conversation will increase the
awkwardness in the written dialogue.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
This play was originally performed with one chair, a bunch of flowers and a
notebook.
AT RISE:
NICK stands next to one chair CS. He has what might have what
once had been flowers in his hand. He is waiting for someone. Enter
EMILY, who has clearly dressed up for the occasion. She sees him,
blushes with pleasure, then looks a little concerned.
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EMILY: Hi.
NICK: Hi! Oh - - hey! Hey. It’s you!
EMILY: Hey.
NICK: Hi.
EMILY: Hi.
NICK: There you are!
EMILY: It’s me.
NICK: Yeah - - hi!
EMILY: Hi.
NICK: Hi.
Pause. She looks at him.
NICK: Hi.
EMILY: (Trying to rescue this.) Have you been waiting long?
NICK: What? No. No. Not long. You’re right on time.
EMILY: Oh, really?
NICK: Yeah. Perfect.
EMILY: Great!
NICK: Great! You’re right. It is - - great.
EMILY: Right on time for what?
NICK: What?
EMILY: I’m perfect for what?
Copyright © MMIX by Tim Mogford. All rights reserved. Caution:
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that WORST DATE EVER is
subject to a royalty. ALL INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE
RIGHTS, INCLUDING AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED
TO HEUER PUBLISHING LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS IA,
52406. www.heuerpub.com
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NICK: For me. (They both realize. Embarrassed.) No - - I
meant . . .
EMILY: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
NICK: It’s not that - EMILY: No, I know . . .
NICK: Because, you know, you are . . .
EMILY: Yeah. So anyway - - I’m on time for . . .
NICK: Oh, for this. (Waves his hand around vaguely.)
EMILY: The - - seat?
NICK: No - - the . . . (Looks a little desperate.) Well, for these. (He
hands her what’s left of the flowers.) They’re flowers. Well, they
were once. They got a bit smushed.
EMILY: (Taking them, gingerly.) Yes. Yes, they did, didn’t they?
NICK: Yes. I got them caught in the car door. I brought them for . . .
Well, they’re - - for you.
EMILY: Oh. That’s nice. Thanks.
NICK: Uh huh. (Pause.) I’m sorry about the car door thing. It was an
accident.
EMILY: Oh, that’s okay.
NICK: I slipped on the floor when I got out. A bit. And then I waved
my arms around, but that turned out to be not so good, because I
had the flowers (He demonstrates.) in my hand like this, and I tried
to hold them up over my head, but by then I’d already pulled the
door closed . . .
EMILY: It’s okay. It’s fine.
NICK: And, of course, they were in the door - - like, caught. And
they were smushed. I tried to fix them up a bit - EMILY: There’s no need to explain . . .
NICK: I just wanted to . . .
EMILY: It’s fine! (She’s snapped a little - - they both react. Softer
now.) They’re great. Thank you.
NICK: Oh, you’re welcome. Should we - - uh. Should we sit down?
EMILY: (A little confused.) Okay . . . (She sits on the chair, puts the
flowers under it. He goes to sit, but realizes. Another moment of
embarrassment.) Oh - - I . . .
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NICK: No - - that’s fine. I like - - standing. (Pause.) I sit, like, all the
time. Well, not all the time. I don’t want you to think I’m lazy, or
anything. But standing is good. Is all I wanted to - - say. (Pause.)
So, anyway - - hi.
EMILY: Hi.
NICK: Hi.
EMILY: So - - you said to meet at Target and here we are. At
Target. (Enter a customer with TARGET bags, who crosses from
R to L.) So what now?
NICK: Well, I thought all about that . . .
EMILY: (Relieved.) Oh, good!
NICK: (Takes out a notebook.) And so I have some suggestions.
EMILY: (A little concerned.) OK…
NICK: And I wanted to ask you what you thought.
EMILY: OK.
NICK: Now I should say, if you don’t like what I thought up, you gotta
tell me and we’ll do something else. I mean, I haven’t really been
on many . . . Well, of course it’s not that I’ve never . . .
EMILY: Did you write your “ideas” down in that notebook?
NICK: Yeah.
EMILY: Ah.
NICK: I like to write stuff down.
EMILY: Do you?
NICK: Do you write stuff down?
EMILY: Well, when I’m in class, I guess . . .
NICK: Oh. I do it - - other times, too. You should try it.
EMILY: I’ll think about that. Anyway - NICK: Anyway - - right! Things to do, right. (He looks at the
notebook.) Did I remind you that we don’t have to do this stuff?
EMILY: Yes - - yes, you did.
NICK: Yeah, I made a note - - see? To remind myself that you might
not like these things. Because you might not.
EMILY: Well, let’s find out shall we?
NICK: But I think you might like them.
EMILY: (Terse smile.) Tell me what you planned, okay?
NICK: Okay. So how about - - popcorn?
EMILY: What?
NICK: Popcorn?
EMILY: Now?
NICK: (A little nervous.) Or - - later . . .
EMILY: Popcorn?
NICK: Shall I go on to the next thing?
EMILY: No - - let’s stay with popcorn.
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Two people, chatting to each other, cross L to R. No bags. EMILY
waits for them to pass.
EMILY: I don’t understand.
NICK: It’s - - a kind of food.
EMILY: I know what popcorn is. I just don’t understand why you’re
talking about it now.
NICK: (Shows her.) It’s the first thing on my list.
EMILY: Yes - - why?
NICK: Okay - - I’m sorry. We can go right on to the next thing if you
like.
EMILY: No, Nick. No. Okay. Can you - - sit now? (She gets up,
invites NICK to sit. She paces a little, trying to phrase this gently.)
Okay - - Nick, before we go on to the next thing on your - - your
list, I just want to make sure we understand each other. See,
when you told me you had some suggestions about what to do on
our - - date - - this is a date, right?
NICK: (Shy.) Yeah . . .
EMILY: Good - - I’m glad you know that. Anyway, when you said
you had some “suggestions,” it’s just that I didn’t think you would
say “popcorn” after that.
NICK: Oh.
EMILY: No. You threw me a little with that one. OK, because I
thought you were going to say “movie” or “party” or maybe
“restaurant.”
NICK: Ah.
EMILY: See, those would be - - like typically what you do, mostly, on
a-NICK: On a date?
EMILY: Right.
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NICK: Mmm.
EMILY: Not “popcorn.” That’s why I’m a bit confused. Unless (she
tries, hopefully.) you meant - - like, at the movies? Like - - you
were going in order of stuff to do . . . ? Is that what you meant?
Like popcorn, then drinks, then we go in to the . . . you know . . .
NICK: (Hesitantly.) Uh - - yeah . . .
EMILY: Is that what you meant?
NICK: Yeah.
EMILY: Really?
NICK: No-o. No. Not really.
EMILY: Okay. So, anyway, before you read any other “suggestions”
off that list, I thought I should - - like, say something.
NICK: Yes. Yes, thanks. I’m glad you did.
EMILY: Yes. So . . . ?
NICK: (Nervous again.) So . . . ?
A person walks L to R. No bags.
EMILY: So - - are there any things on that list that are “date-ish”?
NICK: (Looking at the list.) Well - EMILY: I mean, I’m assuming we’re not going to be staying here the
whole evening, so . . . (something in NICK’s face stops her.)
What?
NICK: (He puts the notebook away quickly.) Nothing.
EMILY: Why did you l just look at me like that?
NICK: Like what?
EMILY: I think you were - NICK: No, I wasn’t.
EMILY: Nick, we are - - like doing something, right? I mean - - like
going somewhere . . . ? You said you were planning something.
NICK: Uh - - huh.
EMILY: You said you’ve been thinking about all this.
NICK: Yeah.
EMILY: Good, so - - are we driving somewhere?
NICK: Uh - - no.
EMILY: A bus?
NICK: (Miserably.) No.
EMILY: (Sarcasm creeps in now.) Is your bike somewhere?
NICK shakes his head.
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EMILY: Have you arranged for camels, maybe? We can feed them
my flowers!
NICK: No!
EMILY: (Her frustration peaks.) Nick!!
NICK: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Okay! I’m crap at this!
EMILY: At what?! We haven’t done anything!
NICK: (Loudly, he stands up.) All right! I’m crap at dating!
The two customers from before now cross R to L with bags. They are
silenced by his loud admission. Then they giggle a little as they exit
L. NICK winces.
EMILY: (As patiently as she can.) So - - we’re not going anywhere.
NICK: No.
EMILY: Why?
NICK: See - - okay. My brother told me to plan a movie. And my
mom told me to take you out to eat. I would totally have paid, by
the way.
EMILY: I believe you.
NICK: But I didn’t want to do what other people said, you know? The
same things everyone does. I wanted to be more - - surprising
than that. And my brother always lies to me anyway, and I mean,
okay, he goes on a lot of dates, but he’s really rude about the girls
he goes out with - - I mean, you should hear him! So I thought to
myself, maybe he’s really not as much of an expert as he thinks he
is anyway. Otherwise, those girls would want to go out with him,
like, more than once or twice. And right now I don’t see them
exactly coming back for more. So I’m thinking - - what would he
really know? So I didn’t know what to do, and so I decided to see
what you wanted to do.
EMILY: No, you didn’t. You never asked me anything!
NICK: Well, of course not! I couldn’t come right out and ask you - then it wouldn’t be a surprise!
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EMILY: What? But - NICK: So I asked your friends what your favorite place to go was,
and I tried to listen every time you talked about what you liked to
do, and the answer always seemed to be Target. And I thought
that was going to be cool because I’d never heard of anyone going
on a date to Target before. Then I told my brother, and he said it
was a dumb idea and I was an idiot, so I thought that must mean
I’d got it right. So anyway, I guess I thought we would - - stay
here.
EMILY: (Gently.) At Target?
NICK: (His flow is broken now, the embarrassment returns.) Yeah,
but now I’m actually explaining it to you, it really does sound
stupid, so maybe you could just - - go home. Or maybe we can
get someone else to take you somewhere better. I’m sorry.
EMILY: (There’s a half-smile on her face now. She sits.) Your
brother’s right. You are an idiot. (Picks up the flowers.)
NICK: Thanks.
EMILY: On the other hand, you got me flowers.
NICK: Yeah.
Pause
EMILY: So, you were - - like, spying on me, then?
NICK: No! (Pause.) Well, I suppose if you mean - - Oh, man. I
never thought of it like that. I guess I was. Look, I’m sorry - - I
didn’t mean to . . .
EMILY: Oh, relax. I think it’s actually kind of - - sweet. In a weird,
disturbing, kind of stalker-like way.
NICK: (Pause.) Uh - - thanks. I think.
EMILY: You’re welcome, weirdo. So, come on then! Tell me.
NICK: Tell you what? I’ve told you everything, and I said I’m
sorry . . .
EMILY: No, Nick. What’s in the notebook? What’s on your list?
NICK: Look - - just call your friends and - EMILY: I don’t want to. I’ve never been on a date like this.
NICK: You mean a crap one.
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EMILY: Don’t undersell yourself. This might be the worst one ever.
(Her smile is infectious.) So I’m intrigued. What’s next?
NICK: Emily - EMILY: Open up your book there, buddy. Show a girl a good time!
What’s first?
NICK: (Does so.) Popcorn.
EMILY: Target popcorn in the café place right where you go in?
NICK: Yes.
EMILY: (She shifts over a little, pats the chair, inviting him to sit
down.) Great! And then?
NICK: (He sits next to her.) Well, then I thought you’d want to look at
the clothes. You know - - the girl clothes, obviously.
EMILY: You know, that’s perfect because those are my favorite kind.
But listen . . .
NICK: What?
EMILY: After that, can we go down to the sporting goods section and
throw those big inflatable balls at each other? I like doing that.
NICK: (Looks anxious.) Oh - - OK.
EMILY: Uh-oh. Problem?
NICK: No - - not really. It’s only that I have that down as number
four, after we unfold all the expensive sweaters and run. But hey,
like I said, if you . . .
EMILY: No, that’s fine. I don’t want to ruin your hard work. Sporting
goods would be the obvious place to run. I see that.
NICK: (Beams.) That’s exactly what I thought!
EMILY: Good.
NICK: So, do you want to . . . ? (Starts to get up.)
EMILY: Wait - - can we just savor this part of the evening? Let’s just
sit for a minute first, and look at all the parked cars.
A customer crosses from R to L with bags.
NICK: (Suddenly, earnestly.) They’re not all parked. Look - - that
one’s moving!
EMILY: You know what? This date just gets better and better.
BLACKOUT.
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THE END